It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s04e13 Episode Script

Come one, Come all to a beautiful show It's gonna be awesome and Some other stuff Some other musical stuff.
- What you doing, buddy? - I wrote a musical.
- You wrote a musical? - Why, why did you do that? Just to write a musical.
Does there have to be a reason? I don't think so.
Yeah, there does.
Nobody writes a musical for no reason.
That doesn't make sense.
All right, this guy did, so there you go.
Who's the mark? - What? - Yeah.
No, there's no there's no mark, guys.
I wrote a musical.
It's pretty damn good, okay? - I want to put it on.
- Right.
What's your angle? - I don't have an angle.
- Whose face are we shoving this musical in? You don't shove a musical in someone's face.
- What are you talking about? - But who versus? Who are we doing it versus? Oh, my God, are you guys going to make this about this? Look, I just wrote a musical to write a musical, okay? I don't have a ulterior motive here.
I'm not trying to screw anyone or gain anything out of it.
You know what, if you guys don't want to be in it, I can find other people to play your parts.
Hang on there, pal.
Hang on.
Hang on.
We're just trying to wrap our heads around this.
Yeah, there's no reason to give away our parts, okay? - All right.
- No, we'll do it.
What's it called? The Nightman Cometh.
The Bitches Team Okay, gather around.
Please, everybody.
Let's gather down front.
I feel the magic Do you feel the magic? Here we go! Now, you guys, you all know Artemis.
Artemis was kind enough to book for us this fine local theater.
- So round of applause for Artemis.
- Very nice.
She also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.
Or literate.
She added words to it.
Yeah, right.
No more interruptions now, Dee.
Thank you, please.
Okay, well, Charlie, I got a question for you.
Who's playing this lead boy? - That's going to be Mac.
- What? - Oh, yeah! Lead, of course.
- Wait, who's playing the dayman? Well, the lead boy becomes the dayman when he defeats the nightman.
- So it's also Mac.
- Two parts? Oh, yeah! - Wait, that's bullshit, bro.
- The nightman's a better role.
He gets to play two roles? I mean, come on.
- It's the same person - Charlie, who's playing the troll guy? - You're going to play the troll guy.
- I'm the troll guy? - Who else would be the troll? - Oh, I like that.
- All right, good.
- Can I do it naked? Absolutely not.
Why would you want to be naked? Because in the '70s, everybody did theater naked.
Everybody got laid all the time.
All right, well, this is not the '70s.
You're going to do theater with your clothes on, please.
Charlie, what the hell is this play about? - I'm a princess who lives in a coffee shop? - You work in a coffee shop.
You don't live in a coffee shop.
Read closer.
Well, why am I in love with a little boy? - You're in love with a young man.
- You wrote "boy".
Well, all right, man, boy, it's a metaphor.
Well, the audience is going to think I'm a child molester.
I've changed my mind.
I'm playing the nightman.
- Oh, yeah.
- Why would you want to play the nightman? The nightman's bad-ass, dude.
He has the eyes of a cat - and does karate across the stage.
- Where are you getting that from?! - Karate?! - No, I made that up, man.
This is great.
That frees up the lead boy role and the dayman role.
- I can play both those.
- No, I don't want you guys switching roles.
- That's not how it works.
- Hey, Frank you got a guy that does cat eyes? - I'm already on it.
- All right, God, for the love of God.
You know what? Let's just get started.
- Okay, you guys ready? - Yeah.
Tiny boy, little boy, Baby boy, I need you Tiny boy, little boy, Want to make love to you, boy Okay, hold on a second.
- Charlie? - Yes.
- Are you goddamn kidding me? - What? "Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy"? Yes.
You're wanting me to say that I want to make love to a little, baby, tiny boy.
But I have explained this to you, Dee.
I'm talking about the spirit of this man-- is like a little boy.
- It's a metaphor.
- You keep using that word, but I'm not convinced you know what it means.
And also, I'm not making out with Dennis later.
'Cause it says we're supposed to do that at the end of the song, - and that's not going to happen.
- I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that either, bro.
Well, this is why I didn't think you should be playing the boy, okay? I don't want you guys kissing either.
What if it's just a sexually charged embrace? Okay, Artemis, please don't talk to the talent.
You know what? Um All right, screw this shit.
If no one likes the song, I'm going to cut the song.
- Thank you.
- Whoa, no, no, no, no, don't cut the song, man.
I like the song.
Dee, apologize to Charlie.
I'm not going to do that.
He wants me to bang this baby, - and I don't feel comfortable.
- I think it's a bad idea to cut the song.
Thank you, Artemis.
Thank you very much.
All right, could you give me a second with with the talent here? Thank you.
Uh, Dennis, could you take a five? Uh, well, I just want the song, man.
- I would like for you to take a five.
- Five five minutes? Can we have five now please? Can you have a five over there? Will you take a five, Dennis?! Take a five, please! Okay, Dee, the song is history.
Thank you, Charlie.
I appreciate that.
'Cause I was uncomfortable.
- Yeah, I'll bet.
- What are we going to sing instead? - What should I sing? - Uh, what's on the back there? - It's the same song.
- And what's on the very back page? - Nothing.
- Then that's what you'll be singing.
- Charlie, this is my big song.
- Yeah, yeah.
Everybody else has a big song.
I deserve to have one.
- Do you? Don't screw you?! - Don't screw me like this, Charlie.
Come on! Oh, I'm sorry, Dee.
Um, let me try and rember something.
Uh, let's see was it did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No, Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it.
And the gang.
And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves and take it away from Charlie and ruin his hopes and dreams.
So let me tell you something, Dee; let me break down a scenario for you.
I could cut the song, okay, because I wrote it.
I could have Artemis do the song, okay, because you did not write it.
Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself.
So you tell me, little Miss All That, what do you want to do-- song or no song? Song.
Song? - Yeah, song.
- You want to sing a song.
- I never wasn't going to sing the song.
- You were excited about singing a song, - and you want to sing a song? - Yeah, I would like to do it.
Good! So back up on your podium you go.
Thank you.
Dennis, what are you doing? I'm eating because I'm very uncomfortable.
Well, you guys are making Can you just get on the stage please, and can we finish this rehearsal? - It was really loud and - Don't start! That wasn't five minutes.
Okay, you know what, you guys have me up to here.
Okay, I'm here.
I don't want to be here, okay? Now I have to play the piano and I'm all up here.
So let's you know what, let's try and get this down.
Let's try and work this down a bit, okay? And you know what's going to do that, learning the song, the way it's written.
Let's do it.
Back to the top.
Five, six, seven, eight Got to play the troll toll To get into this boy's hole You've got to pay the troll toll To get in You want this baby boy's hole, You've got to pay the troll toll Stop, stop, stop.
All right, not bad.
Good rhythm, love the enthusiasm.
I feel like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul".
And I know, Artemis, you did write "soul", right? - I did write "soul".
- So it's "boy's soul".
You got to pay the troll toll to get in this boy's hole No, see, right there.
It sounds like "hole".
Like if you drag that out Are you chewing gum? - Yeah.
- Give me the gum, okay? - Give me the gum, Frank, please? - He said, "No gum".
- I said, "No gum," everyone.
- It's unprofessional.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Charlie, can I bring something up? - Yes.
- I think we have to be very careful - about how we do the rape scene.
- Yeah.
What in God's name are you talking? There's no rape scene.
Well, sure, I pay the troll toll, and then I rape Dennis.
No, you don't rape him.
You become him.
- You do not rape him.
- He doesn't? No! Look, let me just walk you guys through this, okay? Here's what happens.
Once you pay the toll, I want you to come over to Dennis over by his bed here, okay? - I'll be lying back.
- You want me to cross the stage? - Yes.
- All right, this is a great opportunity to showcase some skills, and, like, just put on a clinic.
- I would rather you didn't.
- Well, I think the people are gonna want to see that.
And then I'll hop up sort of like a cat, like so.
Jesus Christ, just leave it at that.
Okay, once he gets near you, you have to sense him, okay? Suddenly, you sense him.
What if I were to position him in a way where I get behind him, and then Frank could throw that blanket that he's got right there over us, and then that way you can't see the penetration.
That's a good idea.
You know what, Charlie? Because the blanket will make the rapings I'm sorry, - the sexing from behind feel more classy.
- That's good.
And what I can do is thrust this way, and you can struggle.
Now I'm here, okay? I am, I'm past where I thought I could go.
I'm, like, all the way up here with it.
- Oh, my-- Hey, you! - Oh, my God! You scared me! I'm sorry.
I dropped, like, a hundred-dollar bill under there.
I can't find it anywhere, and then What are you doing walking here? - Is this one of your walking places? - Charlie, I have Mace.
Oh, my God, check this out.
I have a free ticket for you to see a musical that I wrote.
Oh, wow, a free ticket to a play that I don't want to see.
- You don't want to see it? - I don't want to.
- It's a front row seat.
- I don't care.
I don't want to see your play.
I'm gonna cut you a bargain, okay? I'm gonna cut you a little deal.
You come and see this play-- I didn't want to have to do this-- - but if you come and see this play - Yeah? I'm gonna leave you alone for the rest of your life.
- Really? - Yeah.
Okay, so you're not gonna follow me home anymore and you're not gonna call me at 3:00 in the morning and tell me that you are in the emergency room in the hospital because you had a terrible car accident? - Yeah, well, it's great that you came.
- Well, you listed me as your emergency contact.
- Well, yeah, because I consider you that.
- I have to go! All right, I swear to God I'm gonna leave you alone.
I'm gonna stop listing you as my emergency contact.
I'm gonna stop calling you.
All that stuff if you see the musical.
That's how much this means to me.
Nice.
- Leave me alone.
- You're not gonna regret it.
I regret it already.
All right.
Charlie, what is going on, dude? - When are we gonna start? - We're gonna start we're ready to start.
Stop hounding me.
We were supposed to start 20 minutes ago.
We're not gonna start She's here! She's here! She's here! She's here! Circle in, everybody.
Can we get down in the middle? Can we get down front? A couple last-minute things.
I just want to brief everyone on this.
Artemus, can you bring in Gladys? This is Gladys.
She's going to be playing the piano instead of me tonight.
- What? Why? - It's cool.
She knows all the songs.
Gladys, can you head out there and get us started? I forgot to tell you, Calvin Coolidge was a good friend of mine.
You've been telling me that Calvin Coolidge was a friend of yours, like, all morning.
- And at a certain point - How many times? Like, a hundred times now.
At a certain point, I need you to stop telling the Calvin Coolidge story and start playing the piano.
Don't shush me, okay? Now please don't shush me.
We have to start.
Just get her out there and get the play started! What the hell you doing? You can't be throwing us curveballs like this.
Don't argue with me right now, okay? We just gotta do this.
Let's stick together.
Real quickly, okay? Just a couple of things.
I can't really move my arms in this thing, so I think I need to rip the pits.
Do not rip that costume, okay? It's very expensive.
All right, fine, but one other thing.
I wrote a song.
I'm gonna throw it in.
I swear to God, you cannot add a song.
It's gonna happen.
I will smack your face off of your face.
Do not add a song.
It started.
It started.
You gotta get out there.
Just get out there.
What is this strange feeling? I feel so strange inside.
It's so strange, but appealing.
I feel good, oh! Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy, I need you.
Tiny boy, little boy, I want to touch you.
If you only knew - What I'd do to you.
- Boy, I need you, boy.
If I was that boy, that's inside of you.
Tiny boy, little boy, Baby boy, I need you Tiny boy, little boy, I want to make love to you.
If you only knew, what I'd do to you.
If I was that boy, that's inside of you.
Inside, inside, inside of you.
.
My boy Oh, boy.
Just to be clear, I did not write that song, And have never had sex with a child Just to be clear.
What? What is happening? Most men find me to be an eight or nine out of ten.
And I am available to any interested men.
Who'd like to get my number after the show.
Keep singing, bitch! You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you! What the hell is she doing? She's bombing like crazy.
What an idiot.
I was awesome, though, right? You? No, dude, you totally froze up out there.
You sucked.
I was hearing a lot of laughs out there, bro.
Laughs are cheap.
I'm going for gasps.
Wait till you see, dude.
Gasps are where it's at.
Gotta go pop my cat eyes in.
That's good.
That is not good.
This is not a comedy, okay? No one's supposed to be laughing.
You came at the right time.
Is he sleeping? Yes, he's sleeping right over there, just the way you like 'em.
Did you bring the toll? Confound your lousy toll, troll.
God damn it.
Stop laughing at me.
You gotta pay the troll toll, if you want to get into that boy's hole.
You gotta pay the troll toll to get in You want the baby boy's hole, You gotta pay the troll toll, You gotta pay the troll toll to get in.
Troll toll What you say? Troll toll! Troll toll! Here's your toll, troll.
Your boy awaits.
At last, the boy's soul is mine.
Give me that leg, boy.
Dude, do you have a boner right now? Shut up, dude, don't ruin this for me.
What? Oh, Jesus.
That's enough.
I could smack everyone into tiny, little pieces.
Hello, boy.
Come over here and scratch my itchy-witchy toesy-woesies.
What? Get over here.
- No, Antonio.
- I control you.
You control nothing.
I am not your slave anymore, and I'm not a boy.
I am a man, see? I was transformed by the strong musky power of true love.
I am now The Dayman.
What the hell is that? You know what it is, bitch.
Where's the boy? The boy is gone.
You can't tell me what to do.
I didn't tell you what to do.
You're skipping a line, dude.
- You can't tell me what to do - You're still skipping the same line.
Just move past it.
God, it's crazy how much better I am at acting than you are.
I'm going to kick your ass, bro.
I'll tell you what I am the ruler of darkness.
I am the master of light.
I am the Dayman.
Whatever, bro.
- Here's whatever, bitch.
- What? No, don't improv.
Don't tell me what to do.
Body bag.
You have defeated the evil that was here.
Naturally.
For I am the Dayman.
You once were a boy and now you're man.
And I am in love with you.
That's right.
And now I am in love with you.
Dayman, Fighter of the Nightman Champion of the sun, You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone.
Dayman Fighter of the Nightman Champion of the sun You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone Dayman Fighter of the nightman Champion of the sun You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone Dayman! Stage freeze.
Don't say "stage freeze.
" Just do it.
I was that little boy.
That little baby boy was me.
I once was a boy But now I am a man I fought the Nightman, lived as Dayman.
Now I'm here to ask for your hand, So if you want to marry, man, Will you marry me? Will you come on stage and join me.
In this thing called matrimony? Please say yes and do not bone me, please.
Just marry me.
Is that it? Is the play over? Okay, great.
Well, then I'm out of here.
Hang on, hang on, hang on a second, hang on.
- Is it a yes, or? - Is it a yes? Really, Charlie, will I marry you? No, no, I will not.
I will never marry you.
And I also held up my end of the bargain, so I never have to see you again.
Okay, so wait.
I'm sorry, I want to get this clear.
You are saying no? Oh, I am definitely, definitely saying no.
Well, I didn't ever sign anything, so I'll see you tomorrow? That's it.
You can go home.
It's over.
- We've got to bow.
- Hold on.
If you want.
This was a great musical.
You did a great job.
Told you nobody just writes a musical for no reason.
I am here.
I am passed here.
And by the way, I thought the rape scene went really well.
I am here.
I am here with it.
And that was awful for me.
And if you bring this up back at the apartment tonight, I'm going to smack you, I swear to God.