Lexx s04e13 Episode Script
769
Quick, we don't have much time.
- Time for what? - I would like to make a proposal.
- I'm listening.
- I want Kai.
I don't care about Stan and Xev.
I don't care about the Lexx or planet Earth.
I only care about my stiff! I'm so surprised.
We should be working together, so I get to spend the rest of my days alone with Kai, with no-one else around.
Very well - I will help you if you will help me.
I want to get control of the Lexx, so that I will have a way off this planet when it comes to total ruin, as it soon will.
Why not just find that porn star LooLoo, who stole the key to the Lexx from Stan, and kill her? No, ATF agents have been scouring the planet for LooLoo for some time without success.
I've come to the conclusion that she never came back to the Earth, but remained here on the Lexx.
Then, she must have been killed by Vlad.
Which means the key would have left her body and gone - into a moth breeder! Since they were the only human beings onboard the ship that - if you can call them human.
Robot head - we have a deal.
Lexx 4.
13 769 Could you turn me around please? I'm getting nauseous.
I thought so.
Thought what, Stanley? That you two would get up to something the minute you got a chance.
You know what this makes me feel like doing? You know Stanley, - we were thinking - - Yeah? Well that really worries me.
Hey Xev - guess who I found together? alone! So you wanna tell us what you were up to? I am up to a new spirit of communication between us all.
Oh no no pal - you have finally crossed the line.
I think maybe Kai should do his assassin thing on you, right here and right now.
What do you say, Xev? I say that's a very appealing idea.
Wouldn't you even like to try and improve relationship going forward? How about no relationship going forward, - because you'll be dead! - Right.
You're evil, and you should die To kill an innocent man in cold blood can hardly be described as an act of good.
Have you become evil yourself, Stanley Tweedle? No no no! Don't you try and talk your way outta this.
Kai - you got a problem killing him? - No.
- OK, well that's it then.
Say goodbye Prince, and good riddance.
You're with me on this, right Xev? Do I even get to say a few last words? OK, just, just - keep it short.
Very well.
I am sorry that you have no food, and will have to return to the doomed planet Earth.
I am sorry that in the past, I have made you suffer.
And I wish you all the very best of luck.
That's it? - That's it.
- OK.
Then let's get on with it.
Let's get this done.
Right Xev? Hmm? Stanley, when you say the words "Kill him now" I will kill him.
OK, I say - I say - Kill - You know, that it's perfectly fair for Kai to kill you right here and right now, - right on this spot.
- It is fair, yes, but it is not merciful.
All right, all right, we're not going to kill you now.
We're probably making a big mistake, but we're not evil like you, so just get off our ship now and go back to your Type 13 planet Earth - and we'll find ourselves a much - Go! - nicer one.
- Go! Yes go before we change our minds.
Kai - you're my hero! The food stays with us! Xev, I mean it about 790, he's way out of control, we've gotta do something about him now.
- Like what? - I don't know! Crush him, reprogram him somehow, or at the very least lock him up! So this is it.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
You leave, we stay.
Now go! Kai, if he tries anything funny, you don't have to ask us, just kill him.
Kai? Leave now, or Kai will kill you.
I don't think so.
Oh, he will.
Kai appears to be having some sort of problem with his protoblood.
In fact - He doesn't appear to have any.
Goodbye Xev.
Hey, shouldn't they be taking their space shuttle? I don't care what they take, as long as they leave.
You're afraid of the Cluster lizard, aren't you Prince! You're - What are you doing here? I don't know.
They left me behind! Well, we have to get fresh protoblood for Kai right away.
I was worried there for a while.
Where is 790? He was on the bridge - wasn't he? It is unusual for him to have chosen not to be here when you revived me.
Uh oh.
Which one of these has the key to the Lexx? All moth breeders started off as human prisoners on the Cluster.
Any parts of their brain unnecessary for moth breeding were immediately excised after they were sentenced for their crimes.
What crimes? Using the incorrect fork, cutting the nose off the cheese, whatever! And who cares?! All that matters is that now they do not respond to questions except those directly related to moth breeding and construction.
You seem to know rather a lot about them.
That's because it was my job to vacuum out their useless bits of brain matter.
It was one of the special skills of the model 790 robot.
So - how do we tell which one of these brainless gentlemen has the key to the Lexx? There's two options - you could bring them to the very height of sexual ecstasy - but they have no equipment to get ecstatic with, so that's a dead end.
Or you can bring them to the very edge of death.
Well, I'm naturally predisposed to the latter.
You - come.
- Strangle him.
- Of course my prince.
His hand will glow if he's the one.
Come on, out with it.
What a delightful waste of human life.
You - come.
They are very stupid! Sorry.
Prince is gone.
You know, he and 790 were up to something, I know it.
It's the only possibility.
Well, they never tell me what they're up to, and they left me behind for some reason - I hope.
So what are they up to? My arms are getting tired.
- Not yet.
- Patience, patience.
- That's it! - Stop! This is your lucky day.
Not mine.
My arms feel like they are going to fall off.
Sorry.
Look! Do you think it's the President? In fact I do.
At least they're heading in the right direction, which is away from us.
Do you know what the secret to really great sex is? No, do tell me.
A really big stiff! First Lady Bunny says that too.
Are you sure about this Xev? Well, we know that Prince has gone down to Earth and that Kai's supply of protoblood is limited, so I think we should save him for when we really need him.
- Don't you agree Kai? - Yes.
Three microns more - now two - one - stop! Oh yeah baby, that feels good! Careful, careful.
I'm a-coming for the man in black - yeah! - Hey! - What is it? I can - feel something.
- What, 790? - My - my - - Yes, yes? My hands! Wait till Kai gets a load of me.
- And Prince? - Yes? On the Cluster, a 790 robot attached to a body that kept its original head was called a 769, so that's what you should call me now, - if you don't mind - Not a problem, 769.
So part one of your transformation is complete.
Yes.
And now it's time for part two - the big part! No no no, see what I'm saying is here we are, three of us, you know, one man, two women - one very healthy man, - two very - - Who wants to play a game? - What kind of game? - I'm interested in just - one type of game.
- It's called Truth or Dare.
We used to play it in high school all the time, - it's really fun.
- Yeah, yeah I'm sure Bunny you used to play some wonderful games in high school, but you see now were grown ups, and now we play grown up games.
It is a grown up game.
Oh yeah, how so? Well, you have to play to find out.
- All right.
- Come on! OK - so someone starts off by asking someone else "Truth or dare?" Now if you say "Truth" then you have to answer the truth, no matter how weird or embarrassing it might be.
And if you say "Dare" then you have to do whatever that person dares you to do.
Yeah well what about if you said like, er, OK "Stan, jump off the bridge"? I wouldn't say that.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, but what if you did? Would I have to do that? Because if I do, - I'm not playing.
- It doesn't work like that! You know, you're supposed to give people hard dares but, you know, ones they can do, not ones that are gonna like - kill them, or anything.
That could be fun.
- Or not.
- Can we start? - Can I go first? - Sure.
OK - Xev, truth or dare? Um - truth Truth.
OK, um - have you ever wanted to go all the way with Stan? Stan? Let me think - have I ever wanted to go all the way with Stan? Now when you say all the way, do you mean giving him everything a love slave could give a man, like a total passionate commitment to satisfying his every desire? Um - yeah.
No.
Sorry Stan, it's the truth.
OK, my turn - boy, have I got a dare for you.
It is incroyable that no-one knows that your mother is - French.
- On her father's side.
This makes it easy - you can dump your old nuclear submarines in the Indian Ocean, off Australia, wherever you want.
France will no longer object.
Merci beaucoup, monsieur.
A votre sante, - et au revoir.
- Au revoir monsieur, merci beaucoup.
Au revoir, Paris, Paris, baguette, bonsoir, oui.
Au revoir, baguette, brioche, brioche, brioche! That went well.
Chew? No thank you.
It's my grandpa's.
He used to run his cattle across Indian lands in Oklahoma.
Five notches on the handle.
Grandpa used to say "The sound of a Colt 45 is the only language the no-good redskin varmints understand" You are the representatives of the Western Cattlemen's Association, right? No.
We are no-good redskin varmints actually.
Hmm.
I see.
In that case I must have the wrong box.
The wrong box actually, sorry.
And that means you have to leave now, yes yes, time to go.
Don't worry, we'll smoke a peace pipe and you'll get plenty of wampum.
That's right, everything's fine, bye bye then, goodbye.
Marvellous work.
Hello.
- Hello.
- My prince.
Must build more moths.
Shut up! So where's the beefcake? Yes, yes, the beefcake.
We are ready for the beefcake now, send them in.
Ten - shun! Stand at ease! Gentlemen, as you know the Commander in Chief has always had a great affection for his armed forces - and their - equipment.
You have been called to the Oval Office today for a special short arm inspection.
I want a long one! Yes, yes, yes.
We live in difficult times gentlemen, and in difficult times the best among us are often called upon to make a heavy sacrifice for the good of the nation.
And for the most gifted of you, today is the day for that sacrifice.
I want the black one! Having combed through the medical records of nearly two million men, you six have stood out from your peers for one simple yet crucial reason, which is vital to our national defence.
You've all got massive torpedoes in your pants! What my colleague from the CIA here is trying to say, is that in order to determine the longest - And the thickest! Don't forget the thickest! - the longest, short arm, it is necessary for you all to immediately drop your drawers.
You heard the man - drop 'em! That's an order, from your Commander in Chief.
See anything you like? I can only pick one, right? I think that would be best.
Let me have a closer look.
Come on soldier, stand to attention Let's see a little life in the old cannon What are you, sick or something? Happy? - I will be.
- Good.
Pants up! Dismissed! Not you, soldier.
You're the one - the man with the big artillery.
Thank you Mr President.
We'll take care of it - of him of him, from here on.
Walk this way, soldier.
Pow! Truth or dare, Xev.
Dare.
OK Xev - I dare you to right now plant a real live wife bank trained love slave quality big fat wet kiss on a real live red-blooded human specimen, meaning one who's not dead and one who's not half Cluster lizard, just in case you try to kiss yourself.
I thought you weren't supposed to give people dares that you knew they couldn't do.
Yeah, unlike jumping off the bridge, well locking your lips on mine is not exactly like jumping off the bridge Xev, not exactly at all, as you will soon find out.
OK then - I take your dare.
I'll show you how a love slave kisses.
Oh come on, come on, Oh come on, that's cheating! Xev, you're cheating.
Xev - - cheating.
- What? Cheating? Bunny - you're a real live hot-blooded human specimen, aren't you? I think so! So do I.
Oh, yuck! Congratulations, soldier.
You've certainly earned your Purple Heart.
Oh yeah baby - that's it, oh, that's it! That's the one.
So Bunny - truth or dare? Um - I wanna ask you both a question.
Can - can I go to the bathroom? You don't have to use up your question to go to the bathroom.
Why shouldn't she, it's a question.
So, can I go? Of course.
OK.
Um - I'm going there now.
I'm only doing this for you, Mr President.
Feels really good! It's missile launching time! Dead man, 769's flying home - with a present for you.
So that's it, eh Xev? Every time I come up with a good dare you're gonna find a way to cheat and not do it, huh? Well, you haven't come up with a good dare yet.
Well neither have you! I already know all the truths I wanna know about you, and I can't think of any dare that does anything for me either - - except one.
- What's that? I dare you to jump off the bridge.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Bunny! It's your turn - truth or dare? - What's that? - A gun.
A gun, uh huh.
Where did you get the gun, Bunny? I found it in the bathroom.
What are you going to do with that gun? I'm gonna shoot you - - both of you.
- OK now Bunny, - just put the - - Don't! Look, I don't wanna do this - but I have to, OK? - Why? Look, I'm sorry, but I just have to.
Your husband put you up to this, didn't he? Look, I don't wanna talk about it.
It's bad enough that I have to shoot you.
Bunny - Prince is evil.
Your husband is evil.
You are not evil.
You don't have to shoot anyone - if you don't want to.
- Yes I do! You don't respect the presidency, - either of you.
- Well yeah, that's true, Bunny, we don't respect the President, and we don't respect Prince, but is that any reason to kill us? - Yeah.
- Listen - Prince controls your husband.
If you kill us, you're not doing what he wants, but what Prince wants.
I know what I'm doing! Bunny, think.
If you kill us, then Kai will kill you.
And if he finds out that Prince and Priest were behind this he will kill them too.
Uh uh - he's in cryo-freezy.
OK look Bunny, a joke is a joke, OK, now put the gun away.
Look I'm sorry but I still have to kill you.
Bunny, look at me.
You are not evil - - they are.
- Stop saying those things.
President Priest is the most wonderful, loyal decent man in the whole world and I love him completely.
- Now look - - Don't make this any harder than it already is.
OK.
I guess this is goodbye then.
- No Bunny wait! - Goodbye Stan.
Goodbye Xev.
You were a really good kisser.
Getting the signal now.
Mr President? I did it.
I did it.
I shot them.
Good.
And are they dead? Yeah.
I went in there with the gun that you left for me and I shot them.
They're dead all right.
Where did you shoot them? Between the eyes.
That's unfortunate.
I thought that's what you wanted.
A quick death would have been better.
However, so long as the job is done.
It was a quick death.
You're such a good Bunny.
I love I love you.
I would do anything for you Mr President.
Can I come back now? I think you should come back now Bunny, to the White House, and have a little private celebration with the President.
Oh, I can hardly wait! But it will have to wait until you bring the bodies of Xev and Stan with you.
We must make sure they have a proper burial.
I know, it's a terrible job, Bunny wunny.
Especially with Tweedle.
He's fat.
And ugly.
And stupid.
And old.
And cowardly.
And pathetic.
And boring.
You can drag the security guard upside down if you want, so you don't have to look at his fat, ugly, stupid, - old - - Cowardly.
Cowardly, pathetic, boring face - on the trip home.
Cheerie bye, First Lady Bunny.
Bye bye, Bunny wunny.
Bye! That's it! I'm gonna wake up Kai and tell him to go down to Earth and kill them right now! But you said just Prince! That was the deal, remember, that you wouldn't harm the President if I helped you! OK, OK, just Prince, not that the President doesn't deserve it just as much - almost.
Don't worry Bunny - you did the right thing.
I don't know - but I can't kill anybody.
Well that's because you're not a killer - but Kai definitely is.
Did you hear what they said about me? - Yes.
- They said I was old! Well you are - more than four thousand years old in fact.
No no no no.
I used to be called 790 - but he was just a robot head, limited in the means of love.
The new 769 has all the equipment a dead man could ever want.
I don't believe this.
I'm back - bigger and better than ever.
Well 790, you obviously got what you wanted.
What did Prince get in exchange? Yeah, what did you give Prince? Must build bigger moths, must build bigger moths.
Shut up! And now, if you will excuse me, I have a date - with death! The time has - come.
The wait is over.
Missile launching time! Hello gorgeous.
Hello 790.
I go by 769 now.
- You've changed.
- Have I? I suppose I have, Kai-o-lectable.
But wait till you see the surprise I brought - for us.
Oh, yuck! Kai? - Yuck! - sorta.
- Stan, - Xev, Bunny.
- Bigger, harder, moths.
- Bigger, harder, moths.
- Quiet! Look - if you wanna watch, I don't care.
It's going to be spectacular.
Just keep it down - because I can't.
I am now the proud owner of the biggest missile of them all.
It's stuffed with explosives, and ready to explode with love - and it has Kai stamped on the side.
Oh, isn't that romantic! I want to please you so badly.
The dead cannot be pleased.
That's OK.
Love crazed robot heads psychotically obsessed with their stiffs are easy to please.
- Now bend over.
- Why? Just bend over and you'll soon find out.
Now how does this make sense? I always thought your tiny particle of brain came from a woman.
Man, woman, I'm not fussy.
I've got my rocket and I'm ready to launch it.
Forget it 790, or 769, or whatever your number is now.
Nothing is gonna happen between you and Kai, but you are gonna tell us exactly where Prince is and what he's up to, - right now! - 769? I agreed to help Prince get control of the Lexx if he agreed to give me all the equipment I needed to love my man.
But as soon as it was stitched on I fought my way out of the White House, stole the moth and came here, to test my weapon on your stiff cold corpse.
- Is that true? - Yes! I don't believe him.
Well, 790 always tells the truth to Kai.
OK then - where are Priest and Prince right now? Can't you see I'm busy, security guard? I've got important things - - to do - Tell him, 790.
I don't know! The last time I saw them they were in the White House.
I told you, I fought my way out of there and flew straight to the Lexx.
I didn't stop on the way to visit anyone.
That's the whole story, and you can leave me alone with my stiff now - if you don't mind.
Well, I think we do mind.
Kai, 790 is only interested in pleasing himself, and you should have nothing to do with it.
- Why? - Because it's disgusting! The dead do not feel disgust.
I can't believe we're even talking about this! Listen 790, whatever ideas you may have about what's gonna happen between you and Kai, that's all they are, just ideas, because they're not gonna happen! - Why not? - Because we don't want them to happen.
- I might want it to happen.
- What?! I like things different, you know, and this is different.
I'm an aerobics instructor, remember? Don't deny me, dead boy! Xev - we have got to put a stop to this, right now.
What we got here is an out of control robot head, and now he's got a body with even more out of control parts! I don't know Stan - I'm a love slave, and I know what it's like to be denied love.
I'm trembling all over with excitement.
I'm a robot on the edge.
A robot with a rock hard missile closing in on its target! Bigger harder moths, - bigger harder moths! - You're spoiling my moment! Don't deny me.
I'm exploding with passion.
I don't know if I can control myself any longer! Please Kai - we could have a hot and cold future together, - just the two of us.
- Let 790 have his moment and then we'll do whatever it is that we have to do.
Which is what? Something.
Reset him, switch him off, melt him down.
Bigger harder moths! - Bigger - - No! Say yes.
Say yes, say yes, say yes yes yes yes! Yes! What is it now, bubblehead? Can't you see I'm busy? Bubblehead?! I had the secret of perfect sex and I lost it! - What happened? - Kai.
Must build harder moths.
Well, things just got too weird for me, so I knocked his block off.
Well, good.
Now listen Kai, will you please kill Prince, once and for all? If that is what you wish.
That is what we wish.
Not the President, remember! See Xev, you should have let me kill Prince - when I had the chance.
- Yes, you should have.
Mr President! Bunny! Not now, Mr President.
on the moth right now.
- 790, do it! - Not interested.
What are you doing back here? Getting control of the Lexx.
Getting Kai off the Lexx.
Getting rid of you - in that order.
Mr President I don't understand - I just talked to you in the Oval Office.
- Yes, but I wasn't there.
- Bunny, that was a pre-recorded conversation that the President and I put on tape before we took the space shuttle to come up here.
Prince figured it all out in advance.
It was an excellent plan.
It was obvious that the robot head would betray me.
And he knew that First Lady Bunny wouldn't be able to pull the trigger.
Even though we had a deal.
So - we had to get Kai off the Lexx.
- It was a brilliant plan.
- Genius.
- Inspired.
- Coolly calculated.
- Almost perfect.
- Almost? Oo - I mean, completely perfect, of course.
So, now all that remains is to deal - with the unfinished business.
- Which is? Stanley Tweedle and Xev of B3K.
Ah yes - that must be the gun that I left for First Lady Bunny.
Do you think you can get to it Stan? Before Priest pulls the trigger? Go for it Stan, I'll kill Prince.
How? I'm stronger than you, you know that.
And I have a very big appetite.
Yes, I'm sure that you do.
Point the gun at Xev, Mr President.
- Go for it, Stan.
- Yes, go for it Stan.
But if I do they'll shoot you.
It's our only chance, now go for it.
- I can't.
- Do it! It doesn't work.
That weapon is equipped with a child safety lock - and it is in the on position.
However, now - it is not.
Bang! You never told me about the child safety lock.
There was no need, because I knew that you would never pull the trigger - unlike Stanley Tweedle.
- 790.
- Hiya doll.
Where are Stan and Xev? They're indisposed at the moment - - but don't worry.
- Is everything all right? Oh absolutely.
Everything is excellent, absolutely excellent.
Thank you.
Thank you, 790.
Please - I only have lips for Kai.
So - Kai has checked in - therefore it is time for the two of you to check out.
Any last words? Not for you.
plenty to say! Bunny - grab a gun and shoot Priest and Prince - not because they're completely evil - which they are! - but because it's the only thing that you can do to save yourself from Kai, because Kai is a Divine Assassin and he will hunt you down and he will kill you, every one of you.
May I shoot them now, my prince? Yes, you may.
No! Don't you want to stay and see them get shot? Unlike us, I do not believe she wants to.
And nor do I.
Are you about to kill Stan and Xev? - Yes.
- I would not recommend that.
- Why? - I am on my way back to the Lexx, and I will kill you, very soon.
Should I shoot them now, my prince? Not yet.
What will you give me if I decide not to kill them? A quick and painless death.
Not enough.
Mr President - No! No! No! Kai, Kai, Kai, give them anything they want.
Don't let them shoot us.
No, don't agree to anything, - they deserve to die.
- I'm waiting, but not for much longer.
Make me an offer I can accept and quickly, otherwise I promise you I will end their lives, and quickly.
I would like us to play the game you call chess again.
As would I.
If you agree not to kill Stan and Xev now, we will play another game.
- Will you kill me after the game? - No.
Even if I lose? I agree not to kill you at the end of the game, no matter what the outcome.
- Let's go.
- Go? - Go.
- And Bunny? She can stay here.
I'm sure she'll fit right in.
No, on second thought we won't leave First Lady Bunny behind.
Go find her now.
- Now? - Now! Yes my prince.
Bunnykins - Get away from me, you murderer! No no no no no, Bunny wunny snugglebuns, I'm not a murderer.
Yes you are! Stan and Xev were right, but now they're dead! No they aren't.
I persuaded Prince to let them go.
- You did? - Yes, I did.
And now we have to go too.
No, no, no Bunny - not now, we can't I mean, we shouldn't.
I mean - we have to be quick.
Well - won't be long now.
Are you worried, Prince? Kai is a man of his word, is he not? Well, we'll soon find out, won't we? Oh, Mr President! Oh Bunny! Not the time, - Mr President.
- No no no no no - No no no.
- Of course, my prince.
- Not the time.
- No no no no.
Of course my prince.
Not time, not now.
No, not time.
Not now.
Not now I missed you.
So did we.
A deal is a deal - isn't it? You are a man of your word, are you not? Yes.
Oh Kai, thank you thank you thank you.
They take their shuttle, not a moth.
Of course.
We just borrowed the moth.
How did you know to come back? absolutely excellent, which could only mean not excellent for you and Stanley.
Can't disagree with you there, oh stiff and sexy one.
Any last words? You said we would play a game of chess.
Can I do that if I'm dead? - Yes you can.
- How? On Brunnis 2 the truly committed learned to play after death.
That is how you and I will play.
Cheerie bye.
Oh yes Kai, you did it! You did it, we're finally free of Prince! Yes! Well - maybe the little blue planet is no longer so bad after all, right Stan? He's dead.
He's dead! He's really dead! Now I will rule this planet!! Hmm.
But what are we going to do without someone to tell us what to do? Well at least we could do - What? Anything we want! You're the President, remember? And now Prince isn't around to tell us what to do and stop us from having fun, in bed.
We can't, Bunnykins.
The President can't have anymore fun with the First Lady.
Why not? You have the key to the Lexx - if we have any fun - you know, together - you could reach the edge of sexual ecstasy and lose the key.
Can't I even touch your zipper? Just a little? I don't think so Bunnykins.
You do still have the key to the Lexx, don't you? I think so.
what you did is completely unforgivable.
Your schemes to kill me and Xev are just, just - totally out of control.
I am totally out of control - with passion.
Yeah, well the next time, you're gonna end up on the scrap heap.
Xev agrees with me, don't you Xev? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Kai? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- Where are you going? - Oh, just going for a little walk.
I was thinking about that poor moth breeder.
Yeah? What exactly were you thinking? That he might need some help building bigger harder moths.
Yeah, yeah.
Everybody's got a moth in their pants.
Mikl (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)
- Time for what? - I would like to make a proposal.
- I'm listening.
- I want Kai.
I don't care about Stan and Xev.
I don't care about the Lexx or planet Earth.
I only care about my stiff! I'm so surprised.
We should be working together, so I get to spend the rest of my days alone with Kai, with no-one else around.
Very well - I will help you if you will help me.
I want to get control of the Lexx, so that I will have a way off this planet when it comes to total ruin, as it soon will.
Why not just find that porn star LooLoo, who stole the key to the Lexx from Stan, and kill her? No, ATF agents have been scouring the planet for LooLoo for some time without success.
I've come to the conclusion that she never came back to the Earth, but remained here on the Lexx.
Then, she must have been killed by Vlad.
Which means the key would have left her body and gone - into a moth breeder! Since they were the only human beings onboard the ship that - if you can call them human.
Robot head - we have a deal.
Lexx 4.
13 769 Could you turn me around please? I'm getting nauseous.
I thought so.
Thought what, Stanley? That you two would get up to something the minute you got a chance.
You know what this makes me feel like doing? You know Stanley, - we were thinking - - Yeah? Well that really worries me.
Hey Xev - guess who I found together? alone! So you wanna tell us what you were up to? I am up to a new spirit of communication between us all.
Oh no no pal - you have finally crossed the line.
I think maybe Kai should do his assassin thing on you, right here and right now.
What do you say, Xev? I say that's a very appealing idea.
Wouldn't you even like to try and improve relationship going forward? How about no relationship going forward, - because you'll be dead! - Right.
You're evil, and you should die To kill an innocent man in cold blood can hardly be described as an act of good.
Have you become evil yourself, Stanley Tweedle? No no no! Don't you try and talk your way outta this.
Kai - you got a problem killing him? - No.
- OK, well that's it then.
Say goodbye Prince, and good riddance.
You're with me on this, right Xev? Do I even get to say a few last words? OK, just, just - keep it short.
Very well.
I am sorry that you have no food, and will have to return to the doomed planet Earth.
I am sorry that in the past, I have made you suffer.
And I wish you all the very best of luck.
That's it? - That's it.
- OK.
Then let's get on with it.
Let's get this done.
Right Xev? Hmm? Stanley, when you say the words "Kill him now" I will kill him.
OK, I say - I say - Kill - You know, that it's perfectly fair for Kai to kill you right here and right now, - right on this spot.
- It is fair, yes, but it is not merciful.
All right, all right, we're not going to kill you now.
We're probably making a big mistake, but we're not evil like you, so just get off our ship now and go back to your Type 13 planet Earth - and we'll find ourselves a much - Go! - nicer one.
- Go! Yes go before we change our minds.
Kai - you're my hero! The food stays with us! Xev, I mean it about 790, he's way out of control, we've gotta do something about him now.
- Like what? - I don't know! Crush him, reprogram him somehow, or at the very least lock him up! So this is it.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
You leave, we stay.
Now go! Kai, if he tries anything funny, you don't have to ask us, just kill him.
Kai? Leave now, or Kai will kill you.
I don't think so.
Oh, he will.
Kai appears to be having some sort of problem with his protoblood.
In fact - He doesn't appear to have any.
Goodbye Xev.
Hey, shouldn't they be taking their space shuttle? I don't care what they take, as long as they leave.
You're afraid of the Cluster lizard, aren't you Prince! You're - What are you doing here? I don't know.
They left me behind! Well, we have to get fresh protoblood for Kai right away.
I was worried there for a while.
Where is 790? He was on the bridge - wasn't he? It is unusual for him to have chosen not to be here when you revived me.
Uh oh.
Which one of these has the key to the Lexx? All moth breeders started off as human prisoners on the Cluster.
Any parts of their brain unnecessary for moth breeding were immediately excised after they were sentenced for their crimes.
What crimes? Using the incorrect fork, cutting the nose off the cheese, whatever! And who cares?! All that matters is that now they do not respond to questions except those directly related to moth breeding and construction.
You seem to know rather a lot about them.
That's because it was my job to vacuum out their useless bits of brain matter.
It was one of the special skills of the model 790 robot.
So - how do we tell which one of these brainless gentlemen has the key to the Lexx? There's two options - you could bring them to the very height of sexual ecstasy - but they have no equipment to get ecstatic with, so that's a dead end.
Or you can bring them to the very edge of death.
Well, I'm naturally predisposed to the latter.
You - come.
- Strangle him.
- Of course my prince.
His hand will glow if he's the one.
Come on, out with it.
What a delightful waste of human life.
You - come.
They are very stupid! Sorry.
Prince is gone.
You know, he and 790 were up to something, I know it.
It's the only possibility.
Well, they never tell me what they're up to, and they left me behind for some reason - I hope.
So what are they up to? My arms are getting tired.
- Not yet.
- Patience, patience.
- That's it! - Stop! This is your lucky day.
Not mine.
My arms feel like they are going to fall off.
Sorry.
Look! Do you think it's the President? In fact I do.
At least they're heading in the right direction, which is away from us.
Do you know what the secret to really great sex is? No, do tell me.
A really big stiff! First Lady Bunny says that too.
Are you sure about this Xev? Well, we know that Prince has gone down to Earth and that Kai's supply of protoblood is limited, so I think we should save him for when we really need him.
- Don't you agree Kai? - Yes.
Three microns more - now two - one - stop! Oh yeah baby, that feels good! Careful, careful.
I'm a-coming for the man in black - yeah! - Hey! - What is it? I can - feel something.
- What, 790? - My - my - - Yes, yes? My hands! Wait till Kai gets a load of me.
- And Prince? - Yes? On the Cluster, a 790 robot attached to a body that kept its original head was called a 769, so that's what you should call me now, - if you don't mind - Not a problem, 769.
So part one of your transformation is complete.
Yes.
And now it's time for part two - the big part! No no no, see what I'm saying is here we are, three of us, you know, one man, two women - one very healthy man, - two very - - Who wants to play a game? - What kind of game? - I'm interested in just - one type of game.
- It's called Truth or Dare.
We used to play it in high school all the time, - it's really fun.
- Yeah, yeah I'm sure Bunny you used to play some wonderful games in high school, but you see now were grown ups, and now we play grown up games.
It is a grown up game.
Oh yeah, how so? Well, you have to play to find out.
- All right.
- Come on! OK - so someone starts off by asking someone else "Truth or dare?" Now if you say "Truth" then you have to answer the truth, no matter how weird or embarrassing it might be.
And if you say "Dare" then you have to do whatever that person dares you to do.
Yeah well what about if you said like, er, OK "Stan, jump off the bridge"? I wouldn't say that.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, but what if you did? Would I have to do that? Because if I do, - I'm not playing.
- It doesn't work like that! You know, you're supposed to give people hard dares but, you know, ones they can do, not ones that are gonna like - kill them, or anything.
That could be fun.
- Or not.
- Can we start? - Can I go first? - Sure.
OK - Xev, truth or dare? Um - truth Truth.
OK, um - have you ever wanted to go all the way with Stan? Stan? Let me think - have I ever wanted to go all the way with Stan? Now when you say all the way, do you mean giving him everything a love slave could give a man, like a total passionate commitment to satisfying his every desire? Um - yeah.
No.
Sorry Stan, it's the truth.
OK, my turn - boy, have I got a dare for you.
It is incroyable that no-one knows that your mother is - French.
- On her father's side.
This makes it easy - you can dump your old nuclear submarines in the Indian Ocean, off Australia, wherever you want.
France will no longer object.
Merci beaucoup, monsieur.
A votre sante, - et au revoir.
- Au revoir monsieur, merci beaucoup.
Au revoir, Paris, Paris, baguette, bonsoir, oui.
Au revoir, baguette, brioche, brioche, brioche! That went well.
Chew? No thank you.
It's my grandpa's.
He used to run his cattle across Indian lands in Oklahoma.
Five notches on the handle.
Grandpa used to say "The sound of a Colt 45 is the only language the no-good redskin varmints understand" You are the representatives of the Western Cattlemen's Association, right? No.
We are no-good redskin varmints actually.
Hmm.
I see.
In that case I must have the wrong box.
The wrong box actually, sorry.
And that means you have to leave now, yes yes, time to go.
Don't worry, we'll smoke a peace pipe and you'll get plenty of wampum.
That's right, everything's fine, bye bye then, goodbye.
Marvellous work.
Hello.
- Hello.
- My prince.
Must build more moths.
Shut up! So where's the beefcake? Yes, yes, the beefcake.
We are ready for the beefcake now, send them in.
Ten - shun! Stand at ease! Gentlemen, as you know the Commander in Chief has always had a great affection for his armed forces - and their - equipment.
You have been called to the Oval Office today for a special short arm inspection.
I want a long one! Yes, yes, yes.
We live in difficult times gentlemen, and in difficult times the best among us are often called upon to make a heavy sacrifice for the good of the nation.
And for the most gifted of you, today is the day for that sacrifice.
I want the black one! Having combed through the medical records of nearly two million men, you six have stood out from your peers for one simple yet crucial reason, which is vital to our national defence.
You've all got massive torpedoes in your pants! What my colleague from the CIA here is trying to say, is that in order to determine the longest - And the thickest! Don't forget the thickest! - the longest, short arm, it is necessary for you all to immediately drop your drawers.
You heard the man - drop 'em! That's an order, from your Commander in Chief.
See anything you like? I can only pick one, right? I think that would be best.
Let me have a closer look.
Come on soldier, stand to attention Let's see a little life in the old cannon What are you, sick or something? Happy? - I will be.
- Good.
Pants up! Dismissed! Not you, soldier.
You're the one - the man with the big artillery.
Thank you Mr President.
We'll take care of it - of him of him, from here on.
Walk this way, soldier.
Pow! Truth or dare, Xev.
Dare.
OK Xev - I dare you to right now plant a real live wife bank trained love slave quality big fat wet kiss on a real live red-blooded human specimen, meaning one who's not dead and one who's not half Cluster lizard, just in case you try to kiss yourself.
I thought you weren't supposed to give people dares that you knew they couldn't do.
Yeah, unlike jumping off the bridge, well locking your lips on mine is not exactly like jumping off the bridge Xev, not exactly at all, as you will soon find out.
OK then - I take your dare.
I'll show you how a love slave kisses.
Oh come on, come on, Oh come on, that's cheating! Xev, you're cheating.
Xev - - cheating.
- What? Cheating? Bunny - you're a real live hot-blooded human specimen, aren't you? I think so! So do I.
Oh, yuck! Congratulations, soldier.
You've certainly earned your Purple Heart.
Oh yeah baby - that's it, oh, that's it! That's the one.
So Bunny - truth or dare? Um - I wanna ask you both a question.
Can - can I go to the bathroom? You don't have to use up your question to go to the bathroom.
Why shouldn't she, it's a question.
So, can I go? Of course.
OK.
Um - I'm going there now.
I'm only doing this for you, Mr President.
Feels really good! It's missile launching time! Dead man, 769's flying home - with a present for you.
So that's it, eh Xev? Every time I come up with a good dare you're gonna find a way to cheat and not do it, huh? Well, you haven't come up with a good dare yet.
Well neither have you! I already know all the truths I wanna know about you, and I can't think of any dare that does anything for me either - - except one.
- What's that? I dare you to jump off the bridge.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Bunny! It's your turn - truth or dare? - What's that? - A gun.
A gun, uh huh.
Where did you get the gun, Bunny? I found it in the bathroom.
What are you going to do with that gun? I'm gonna shoot you - - both of you.
- OK now Bunny, - just put the - - Don't! Look, I don't wanna do this - but I have to, OK? - Why? Look, I'm sorry, but I just have to.
Your husband put you up to this, didn't he? Look, I don't wanna talk about it.
It's bad enough that I have to shoot you.
Bunny - Prince is evil.
Your husband is evil.
You are not evil.
You don't have to shoot anyone - if you don't want to.
- Yes I do! You don't respect the presidency, - either of you.
- Well yeah, that's true, Bunny, we don't respect the President, and we don't respect Prince, but is that any reason to kill us? - Yeah.
- Listen - Prince controls your husband.
If you kill us, you're not doing what he wants, but what Prince wants.
I know what I'm doing! Bunny, think.
If you kill us, then Kai will kill you.
And if he finds out that Prince and Priest were behind this he will kill them too.
Uh uh - he's in cryo-freezy.
OK look Bunny, a joke is a joke, OK, now put the gun away.
Look I'm sorry but I still have to kill you.
Bunny, look at me.
You are not evil - - they are.
- Stop saying those things.
President Priest is the most wonderful, loyal decent man in the whole world and I love him completely.
- Now look - - Don't make this any harder than it already is.
OK.
I guess this is goodbye then.
- No Bunny wait! - Goodbye Stan.
Goodbye Xev.
You were a really good kisser.
Getting the signal now.
Mr President? I did it.
I did it.
I shot them.
Good.
And are they dead? Yeah.
I went in there with the gun that you left for me and I shot them.
They're dead all right.
Where did you shoot them? Between the eyes.
That's unfortunate.
I thought that's what you wanted.
A quick death would have been better.
However, so long as the job is done.
It was a quick death.
You're such a good Bunny.
I love I love you.
I would do anything for you Mr President.
Can I come back now? I think you should come back now Bunny, to the White House, and have a little private celebration with the President.
Oh, I can hardly wait! But it will have to wait until you bring the bodies of Xev and Stan with you.
We must make sure they have a proper burial.
I know, it's a terrible job, Bunny wunny.
Especially with Tweedle.
He's fat.
And ugly.
And stupid.
And old.
And cowardly.
And pathetic.
And boring.
You can drag the security guard upside down if you want, so you don't have to look at his fat, ugly, stupid, - old - - Cowardly.
Cowardly, pathetic, boring face - on the trip home.
Cheerie bye, First Lady Bunny.
Bye bye, Bunny wunny.
Bye! That's it! I'm gonna wake up Kai and tell him to go down to Earth and kill them right now! But you said just Prince! That was the deal, remember, that you wouldn't harm the President if I helped you! OK, OK, just Prince, not that the President doesn't deserve it just as much - almost.
Don't worry Bunny - you did the right thing.
I don't know - but I can't kill anybody.
Well that's because you're not a killer - but Kai definitely is.
Did you hear what they said about me? - Yes.
- They said I was old! Well you are - more than four thousand years old in fact.
No no no no.
I used to be called 790 - but he was just a robot head, limited in the means of love.
The new 769 has all the equipment a dead man could ever want.
I don't believe this.
I'm back - bigger and better than ever.
Well 790, you obviously got what you wanted.
What did Prince get in exchange? Yeah, what did you give Prince? Must build bigger moths, must build bigger moths.
Shut up! And now, if you will excuse me, I have a date - with death! The time has - come.
The wait is over.
Missile launching time! Hello gorgeous.
Hello 790.
I go by 769 now.
- You've changed.
- Have I? I suppose I have, Kai-o-lectable.
But wait till you see the surprise I brought - for us.
Oh, yuck! Kai? - Yuck! - sorta.
- Stan, - Xev, Bunny.
- Bigger, harder, moths.
- Bigger, harder, moths.
- Quiet! Look - if you wanna watch, I don't care.
It's going to be spectacular.
Just keep it down - because I can't.
I am now the proud owner of the biggest missile of them all.
It's stuffed with explosives, and ready to explode with love - and it has Kai stamped on the side.
Oh, isn't that romantic! I want to please you so badly.
The dead cannot be pleased.
That's OK.
Love crazed robot heads psychotically obsessed with their stiffs are easy to please.
- Now bend over.
- Why? Just bend over and you'll soon find out.
Now how does this make sense? I always thought your tiny particle of brain came from a woman.
Man, woman, I'm not fussy.
I've got my rocket and I'm ready to launch it.
Forget it 790, or 769, or whatever your number is now.
Nothing is gonna happen between you and Kai, but you are gonna tell us exactly where Prince is and what he's up to, - right now! - 769? I agreed to help Prince get control of the Lexx if he agreed to give me all the equipment I needed to love my man.
But as soon as it was stitched on I fought my way out of the White House, stole the moth and came here, to test my weapon on your stiff cold corpse.
- Is that true? - Yes! I don't believe him.
Well, 790 always tells the truth to Kai.
OK then - where are Priest and Prince right now? Can't you see I'm busy, security guard? I've got important things - - to do - Tell him, 790.
I don't know! The last time I saw them they were in the White House.
I told you, I fought my way out of there and flew straight to the Lexx.
I didn't stop on the way to visit anyone.
That's the whole story, and you can leave me alone with my stiff now - if you don't mind.
Well, I think we do mind.
Kai, 790 is only interested in pleasing himself, and you should have nothing to do with it.
- Why? - Because it's disgusting! The dead do not feel disgust.
I can't believe we're even talking about this! Listen 790, whatever ideas you may have about what's gonna happen between you and Kai, that's all they are, just ideas, because they're not gonna happen! - Why not? - Because we don't want them to happen.
- I might want it to happen.
- What?! I like things different, you know, and this is different.
I'm an aerobics instructor, remember? Don't deny me, dead boy! Xev - we have got to put a stop to this, right now.
What we got here is an out of control robot head, and now he's got a body with even more out of control parts! I don't know Stan - I'm a love slave, and I know what it's like to be denied love.
I'm trembling all over with excitement.
I'm a robot on the edge.
A robot with a rock hard missile closing in on its target! Bigger harder moths, - bigger harder moths! - You're spoiling my moment! Don't deny me.
I'm exploding with passion.
I don't know if I can control myself any longer! Please Kai - we could have a hot and cold future together, - just the two of us.
- Let 790 have his moment and then we'll do whatever it is that we have to do.
Which is what? Something.
Reset him, switch him off, melt him down.
Bigger harder moths! - Bigger - - No! Say yes.
Say yes, say yes, say yes yes yes yes! Yes! What is it now, bubblehead? Can't you see I'm busy? Bubblehead?! I had the secret of perfect sex and I lost it! - What happened? - Kai.
Must build harder moths.
Well, things just got too weird for me, so I knocked his block off.
Well, good.
Now listen Kai, will you please kill Prince, once and for all? If that is what you wish.
That is what we wish.
Not the President, remember! See Xev, you should have let me kill Prince - when I had the chance.
- Yes, you should have.
Mr President! Bunny! Not now, Mr President.
on the moth right now.
- 790, do it! - Not interested.
What are you doing back here? Getting control of the Lexx.
Getting Kai off the Lexx.
Getting rid of you - in that order.
Mr President I don't understand - I just talked to you in the Oval Office.
- Yes, but I wasn't there.
- Bunny, that was a pre-recorded conversation that the President and I put on tape before we took the space shuttle to come up here.
Prince figured it all out in advance.
It was an excellent plan.
It was obvious that the robot head would betray me.
And he knew that First Lady Bunny wouldn't be able to pull the trigger.
Even though we had a deal.
So - we had to get Kai off the Lexx.
- It was a brilliant plan.
- Genius.
- Inspired.
- Coolly calculated.
- Almost perfect.
- Almost? Oo - I mean, completely perfect, of course.
So, now all that remains is to deal - with the unfinished business.
- Which is? Stanley Tweedle and Xev of B3K.
Ah yes - that must be the gun that I left for First Lady Bunny.
Do you think you can get to it Stan? Before Priest pulls the trigger? Go for it Stan, I'll kill Prince.
How? I'm stronger than you, you know that.
And I have a very big appetite.
Yes, I'm sure that you do.
Point the gun at Xev, Mr President.
- Go for it, Stan.
- Yes, go for it Stan.
But if I do they'll shoot you.
It's our only chance, now go for it.
- I can't.
- Do it! It doesn't work.
That weapon is equipped with a child safety lock - and it is in the on position.
However, now - it is not.
Bang! You never told me about the child safety lock.
There was no need, because I knew that you would never pull the trigger - unlike Stanley Tweedle.
- 790.
- Hiya doll.
Where are Stan and Xev? They're indisposed at the moment - - but don't worry.
- Is everything all right? Oh absolutely.
Everything is excellent, absolutely excellent.
Thank you.
Thank you, 790.
Please - I only have lips for Kai.
So - Kai has checked in - therefore it is time for the two of you to check out.
Any last words? Not for you.
plenty to say! Bunny - grab a gun and shoot Priest and Prince - not because they're completely evil - which they are! - but because it's the only thing that you can do to save yourself from Kai, because Kai is a Divine Assassin and he will hunt you down and he will kill you, every one of you.
May I shoot them now, my prince? Yes, you may.
No! Don't you want to stay and see them get shot? Unlike us, I do not believe she wants to.
And nor do I.
Are you about to kill Stan and Xev? - Yes.
- I would not recommend that.
- Why? - I am on my way back to the Lexx, and I will kill you, very soon.
Should I shoot them now, my prince? Not yet.
What will you give me if I decide not to kill them? A quick and painless death.
Not enough.
Mr President - No! No! No! Kai, Kai, Kai, give them anything they want.
Don't let them shoot us.
No, don't agree to anything, - they deserve to die.
- I'm waiting, but not for much longer.
Make me an offer I can accept and quickly, otherwise I promise you I will end their lives, and quickly.
I would like us to play the game you call chess again.
As would I.
If you agree not to kill Stan and Xev now, we will play another game.
- Will you kill me after the game? - No.
Even if I lose? I agree not to kill you at the end of the game, no matter what the outcome.
- Let's go.
- Go? - Go.
- And Bunny? She can stay here.
I'm sure she'll fit right in.
No, on second thought we won't leave First Lady Bunny behind.
Go find her now.
- Now? - Now! Yes my prince.
Bunnykins - Get away from me, you murderer! No no no no no, Bunny wunny snugglebuns, I'm not a murderer.
Yes you are! Stan and Xev were right, but now they're dead! No they aren't.
I persuaded Prince to let them go.
- You did? - Yes, I did.
And now we have to go too.
No, no, no Bunny - not now, we can't I mean, we shouldn't.
I mean - we have to be quick.
Well - won't be long now.
Are you worried, Prince? Kai is a man of his word, is he not? Well, we'll soon find out, won't we? Oh, Mr President! Oh Bunny! Not the time, - Mr President.
- No no no no no - No no no.
- Of course, my prince.
- Not the time.
- No no no no.
Of course my prince.
Not time, not now.
No, not time.
Not now.
Not now I missed you.
So did we.
A deal is a deal - isn't it? You are a man of your word, are you not? Yes.
Oh Kai, thank you thank you thank you.
They take their shuttle, not a moth.
Of course.
We just borrowed the moth.
How did you know to come back? absolutely excellent, which could only mean not excellent for you and Stanley.
Can't disagree with you there, oh stiff and sexy one.
Any last words? You said we would play a game of chess.
Can I do that if I'm dead? - Yes you can.
- How? On Brunnis 2 the truly committed learned to play after death.
That is how you and I will play.
Cheerie bye.
Oh yes Kai, you did it! You did it, we're finally free of Prince! Yes! Well - maybe the little blue planet is no longer so bad after all, right Stan? He's dead.
He's dead! He's really dead! Now I will rule this planet!! Hmm.
But what are we going to do without someone to tell us what to do? Well at least we could do - What? Anything we want! You're the President, remember? And now Prince isn't around to tell us what to do and stop us from having fun, in bed.
We can't, Bunnykins.
The President can't have anymore fun with the First Lady.
Why not? You have the key to the Lexx - if we have any fun - you know, together - you could reach the edge of sexual ecstasy and lose the key.
Can't I even touch your zipper? Just a little? I don't think so Bunnykins.
You do still have the key to the Lexx, don't you? I think so.
what you did is completely unforgivable.
Your schemes to kill me and Xev are just, just - totally out of control.
I am totally out of control - with passion.
Yeah, well the next time, you're gonna end up on the scrap heap.
Xev agrees with me, don't you Xev? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Kai? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- Where are you going? - Oh, just going for a little walk.
I was thinking about that poor moth breeder.
Yeah? What exactly were you thinking? That he might need some help building bigger harder moths.
Yeah, yeah.
Everybody's got a moth in their pants.
Mikl (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)