Life in Pieces (2015) s04e13 Episode Script

I just can't believe that Clementine might be pregnant.
Oh, God, I know.
We are way too young to be grandparents.
Right? My neck is still taut.
A stranger told me that yesterday.
I mean, it was weird that they just said it, but it felt very nice.
- You're gonna be such a hot grandma.
- Oh, thank you.
I haven't said that since I was a kid to my own grandma.
Ooh.
False alarm.
Oh, thank goodness.
We read the test wrong.
Yeah, it turns out that a minus sign means that you're not pregnant.
Why would they do that? A minus sign looks exactly like a sleeping flat baby.
Yeah, okay, I hope that you guys learned a lesson here.
Is the lesson that babies aren't flat? No, that you need to be more careful.
Oh, we'll be careful.
We don't want to ever have kids.
I'm sorry, what? We just don't identify as selfless, and we're not sure we ever will.
What do you mean you don't want kids? Everybody wants kids.
I don't.
Of course you do.
Kids are a burden on the environment.
You're a burden on the environment.
You've proven my point.
Don't try to outsmart your mother.
Don't you want joy in your life? Look at how much joy you guys bring us! Just look at it! - Well, I want a ton of kids.
- See! Sophia's gonna continue the bloodline, and it's gonna be beautiful.
No, no.
I'm gonna adopt.
Sophia, you go up to your room and you don't come back down here till you're pregnant.
Okay I know we didn't want Clementine to be pregnant, but part of me kind of did.
Oh, Tim, honestly, you know what.
I-I did too.
Well, I guess it's gonna be a while before we have grandkids.
We could always have our own grandkids.
What do you mean, like hillbillies? No, I'm saying we're still young enough to have another child of our own.
Tim, come on, babe, I'm early 40s.
Mm-mmm.
- Well, you're mid-40s.
- What? 43 is early 40s.
I don't think so.
- Yeah, no, I think it is.
- I'm a doctor.
Okay, why you trying to make me older? And do I need to remind you that you had a vasectomy? Yeah, but I can get that reversed.
Or we could do IVF.
What is going on with you? I just feel like the-the three best things I ever did in my life are the three kids that I made with you, so why wouldn't I want to do that again? Oh, Tim, come on, no, don't take me down that road.
I Shh.
Come down the road.
No.
Stop it.
- It's a nice road with lots of babies.
- Stop.
- Not on the road - No, that's weird.
'cause that'd be dangerous, but up on the sidewalk, holding hands with caregivers.
Come on, say yes.
Okay, if it is that important to you, there are some options - We're having a baby! - Oh.
Honey.
So how's it looking down there? Bad.
Real bad.
This was botched eight ways from Sunday.
- Who did this vasectomy? - You did.
No.
- Yes! - No way I did this.
Wh-Wh-Why? What are you seeing down there? Look, whoever did this to you You It was you! Imagine we're carving a pumpkin.
You reach in, you scoop out the seeds, all the goop, and you plop it on the side.
Now picture taking that goo and ramming it back in the pumpkin.
That's what we're gonna do to your scrotum.
But then I'll be able to have kids? Oh, no.
Can I be honest with you? You've been sugarcoating it till now? This is gonna hurt so bad, man.
But if you really want to do this, I can untie the knots in those shoelaces.
All right, maybe we just wait to see what my wife's egg production is.
God willing, she's barren.
Testicles.
More like mess-ticles.
Babe, hey! Guess what? My OB said I have the egg production of a 20-year-old.
She also complimented my neck.
Yes.
Let's have a baby.
Oh.
We're having a baby.
Yeah, another baby.
Hmm? You okay? You look like you're gonna throw up.
Hello, you have reached Joan Short.
This is not Chicken George's Chicken and Fried Chicken.
There was a misprint on his takeout menu, so please don't place an order.
Hi, Mom.
We were wondering if you would like to watch Lucas for the evening.
Take your time.
But our Uber's out front, - so we need your answer pretty quick.
- Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what is going on here? Oh, Joan has graciously agreed - to babysit Lucas tonight.
- I have? But she's watching our kids tonight.
- I am? - Yeah, but you guys have had Mom all to yourself for years.
Don't you think it's time to share? Well, I mean, it's not our fault it took you guys so long to have kids.
Fun point.
Oh, please, kids, don't do that.
She's right.
All right? We shouldn't make Mom-Mom have to choose when she'd love to babysit all of the grandkids.
That's a great point, Greg.
Oh, and, uh, she just had an eight-hour nap, so good luck getting her down.
Oh, and one more thing.
Lucas has a ton of allergies.
So if you figure out what they are, please let us know.
Thank you.
Bye.
I thought we were going to the theater.
We have tickets to Jim Danvers and his Singin' Dogs tonight.
Oh, honey, what can I do? I can't say no to the kids.
Am I speaking Mandarin here? It's Jim Danvers and his Singin' Dogs.
I know, it's-it's almost one of my favorite nights of the year, too.
Nobody's happy about this.
And I need help.
And I tag you in.
- Pass.
- No.
You can't pass.
I didn't sign up for this babysitting nonsense.
This is what grandparents do.
Now please put on a pot of coffee.
Coffee at 7:00? But I won't be able to fall asleep till at least 8:00.
Fine.
I'll have coffee.
But it'll be mostly whiskey.
Well, I hope you're happy.
The reviews are in.
"Danvers dazzles.
" We missed the show of the century.
I would have gone with you, Pop-Pop.
It's a singing dog show.
It's not for kids.
Wait, why are they back? They were just here.
They went home to sleep peacefully, and now that they're awake, loud and incontinent, they're back.
All right.
Well, good luck.
Sit your sweet self down.
Hey, Mom.
- Hi.
- Heard you could use some help, so I thought it might be nice for Sophia to try babysitting.
That's wonderful.
Another pair of hands.
Oh, but I can't touch anything.
- I have pink eye.
- What? She doesn't have pink eye.
That's crazy.
But just in case, I have these drops for her.
Every two to four hours.
- So, I'll give you those.
Okay.
- Hmm-mm.
Love you.
So, what's for dinner? Pop-Pop wants stroganoff.
Oh, I'll have that.
But, um, hold the stroganoff and add a side of anything else.
Oh, that sounds good.
I'll have that, too.
My mom always made me feel ignored Joan? Oh.
Were you sleeping? Deep, deep concentration.
You can pick up right where you left off.
Okay, um Or maybe we could go back a few sentences.
Okay, um Lark, what are you doing here? Daddy said this is Mom-Mom's playroom and then he left for Costco.
Oh, mercy.
Uh, I'm so sorry.
Le-Let me just get my husband here and he'll, uh John! My eye is crunchy.
So, uh, forgive me.
What were you saying, please? - I said I was feeling ignored - Lark! Don't don't do that, dear.
That Oh.
Well, that's garbage now.
I'm so sorry.
You-you were saying.
- I feel ignored - Lark! Lark, don't do that, darling.
I just lost a patient.
Who was he and how'd he do it? - Oh, no, I mean a patient left me.
- Oh.
You know, being a built-in babysitter is just ruining what I do.
I thought you said babysitting the kids is what you do.
No, that was before they killed my career.
Well, they're killing mine, too.
I mean, how can I be retired with all these kids running around? Yeah, they're running over us.
We have to put a stop to this.
Hey, Mom? Now's your chance.
Tell him you have your own life.
I will.
And I might even poke my finger in his chest.
Use the crooked one, huh? It always freaks him out.
We believe in you.
Yeah, your mom's a strong lady, Tank.
Except when it comes to grandkids.
Well, how long we got him for? They didn't say, but they had luggage.
Well, I'll put on a pot of whiskey.
Oh, on second thought, uh, I'll hold Tank.
That right eye of yours is pink as bubble gum.
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- Yeah.
Oh, honey, we have to wash your hands.
I don't believe it.
All right, let's go.
All right, now, remember, Lark we're playing a really fun game, right? And if anyone asks, you live here.
But this is Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop's house.
Okay, well, if you're not gonna play the game right, - then just don't talk.
- All right, come on.
Pick it up.
Come on.
- And we're off.
- All right, come on.
No.
No, no, no, no.
I can't take your chicken order.
If you call back and listen to the voice message, it will explain everything.
Hi.
Oh.
Oh, what a wonderful surprise.
Am I babysitting? No, but you are pretending that this is our house.
We had to use your address to get Lark into the good school district.
Yeah, and we heard Principal Moore's making surprise house checks today.
So it's gonna be a bloodbath.
I got it.
I got it.
Okay, let's do this.
Okay.
Lark, honey, I want you to take your toys, and I want you to just throw 'em all over the house, - okay? - But I'm gonna get a time-out.
Not today, you won't.
I'm so confused.
Okay, look, gaming the system is confusing, okay? But if you want to have an art class, you're gonna do it, little lady.
When you bribe a child, the reward has to be immediate.
Have a soft calcium chew.
I'm into this ruse.
Okay, no time to explain.
There's a woman coming from the school, and we need to con her into thinking that we actually live here, so just go with it.
No problem, but do you think that woman from the school is gonna want to talk to this one? Principal Moore.
Hello.
We live here.
I'm visiting from Tulsa.
Soft calcium chew? Is that a bribe? Lark, that's a time-out.
Holy crap.
Private schools cost over 30 grand a year? Wow.
For 30 grand, I can get a horimono.
- A what? - Horimono.
It's a traditional Japanese full-body tattoo, typically of dragons, koi fish, Hello Kitty.
Cool.
Well, your new girlfriend should love that.
What about homeschool? I mean, we could teach 'em, right? Uh-huh, okay, yeah, sure.
Uh, which one of us is going to quit our jobs and stay home all day, every day with the kids and never get a break? You? Or-or me, or we could buy a teacher.
I mean, how much do those cost, - legally speaking? - Okay.
What if we just looked for a house in the good school district? You know, like when you do the math, it's gonna be cheaper than putting two kids through private school.
Are you doing the math? I want to get a peacock for my horimono so that the feathers can fan out over my abs onto my chest and all the way up to my neck.
Okay, let's go over the pros.
It's in a great school district, it's in our price range, and there's room for me to brew my beer.
Okay.
Okay.
Cons.
Uh, it needs a total renovation, the bedrooms are tiny, and there's space for you to brew your beer.
So what do we think? Great bones.
Nobody is disputing that, but, uh, unfortunately, it's not going to work for us due to the fact that it's terrible.
Well, I-I do have something that's not officially on the market yet, but the owners are entertaining offers.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh, I like the idea of something that's forbidden.
She likes a lot of things that are forbidden.
Greg, we just met this woman.
Now, the home is a bit out of your price range, but it's the kind of place I can see your family making memories.
We already made memories here.
Mom?! Mom, Dad, how could you sell our house? Well, we were flirting with single-floor living, and we decided to see how much we'd get for it.
And we can get a boatload, so we're selling.
Maybe buying a boat.
Yeah, okay, but when were you going to tell everybody? I mean, this house means everything to us.
What about the brunches?! First thing I thought of.
What about the brunches? We didn't want to discuss anything when there was nothing to discuss.
But then we got a ton of offers.
It's so exhilarating! And they do it all in cash nowadays.
Briefcases full of cash.
Pretty sure that's not how it works.
Plus, a couple told us this house is in the most desirable school district.
That was us.
We are that couple.
I guess I just thought that this house would be in the family forever.
Well, maybe it could be.
What do you think, John? Oh, nothing would make us happier.
But we'll need your offer in by the end of business tomorrow.
And no lowballing.
We don't need to sell.
Hi.
Hey.
Oh, uh, your mom wants to know what kind of food you want for your birthday party.
Okay.
What? What is it? I heard back from Timehaus about the job in Germany.
- Wait, the job? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, w-what did they say? Okay, well, I ran the e-mail through the online translator, and "You are being the job.
"Please take with us breakfast "on the Tuesday subsequent to next.
Cannot translate.
" The offer's real.
Oh, my God! Matt! You're gonna be the art director of the biggest watch company in all of Europe.
I am so proud of you.
- Mm.
- Oh Are we really moving to Germany? I mean, is that crazy? Yes.
Getting out of the country is just what we need.
What a relief to leave all this credit card debt behind.
- What? - What? Oh, hey, honey? Um, can we hold off on telling my family about Germany until after the party? I mean, it's gonna be pretty hard on my mom and dad.
Mostly on my mom.
Um okay.
Why'd you say it like that? Um no reason.
So why is your birthday party German-themed? Mm.
I wouldn't really call it a theme.
It's called Mattoberfest.
Yeah, but it's pretty common to have a geographic theme for a birthday party.
I have never once heard of that.
- No, it's a thing.
- I'm not sure - It's definitely a thing, Heather.
- Okay, yeah.
Why don't you just relax and enjoy the perfectly normal, ordinary birthday sauerkraut bar? Hello.
To Uncle Matt.
He's not just the world's best brother-in-law I'm sitting right here.
he's also the best uncle.
I literally haven't moved.
And he's gonna get a chance to do it again, because we're having another baby.
Get out! - Oh, my.
- Which will happen just as soon as I can get Heather pregnant, which will happen just as soon as we can have sex again, which will happen just as soon as I recover from my unimaginably painful reverse vasectomy.
To Uncle Matt.
How wonderfully speculative.
Yeah, you know, I'm-I'm two days post-surgery, and I feel good.
Well, congrats on your future miracle.
Oh, thank you.
We're a little bit older than most new parents, but thank God we have free available help right across the street.
I wouldn't count on that.
Wait, what? Is one of you dying? Oh, my God, are both of you dying? Oh, no, honey, no.
But we may be selling the house.
What? You can't sell our childhood home.
Oh, don't worry, we're buying it.
That's not any better.
Calm down.
They only may be buying it.
May be? Yeah, the offers are very competitive.
One of them wrote a beautiful letter.
Said this house reminded them of the one they grew up in.
This is the house we grew up in.
W-W-W-W-Wait.
Why does Greg get to buy our house but I don't? I can afford it now with my new job.
Wait, what? What new job? I'm the new international art director for Timehaus.
Matt, that is incredible.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, it's wonderful.
Yeah, well, I've been working my whole life for a job like this.
It's just, um it's gonna be a long commute.
- So? Just listen to a podcast.
- Yeah.
It's in Germany.
You're moving to Germany? Okay, these decorations are such a coincidence.
Uh Matt? - What's the matter, baby? - That was our social worker.
So it turns out we can't take Lucas out of the country until the adoption papers are finalized.
- But that's, like, six months from now.
- Yeah.
What do we do? Don't worry.
- I'm sorry.
- No, hey.
Uh, guys.
We're not going to Germany.
- Oh.
- Oh.
It's just a job.
Oh, no.
I think I'm gonna sneeze, - somebody do something.
- Okay.
You got it.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
Oh, no.
Honey.
Oh, that did it.
Oh, I'm spilling out.
Finally got him down.
He is so gonna wet that bed.
He had, like, three steins of juice.
What? You have to take the job.
Oh, honey, come on.
No, no, no.
They said that we can't go.
No, we can't.
But you can.
You've waited your whole life to catch a break, and this is it.
You can't let it slip through your fingers.
Are you crazy? Honey, I'm not gonna leave you and Lucas.
- It's six months.
- It's only six months, Matt.
And think of the future it could give us.
We could pay for college for Lucas, we could buy a house.
- But, Colleen - We're gonna do it.
We're just gonna figure it out.
Together.
Like we always do.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
I want you to get on that plane and I want you to take that breakfast on the Tuesday subsequent to next.
Be safe, Uncle Matt.
I don't want to scare you, but I had a nightmare about the plane.
So if the tail number is 0-0-1, please don't get on.
Shut up.
I had the same dream.
- I love you so much.
- Mm.
We're here for Colleen and Lucas.
No growing while I'm gone, okay? You're gonna be late.
Yeah.
Just remember wir lieben dich.
What does that mean? We love you.
We love you.