Lovejoy (1986) s04e13 Episode Script

(Woman) And finally we come to the teapot which belongs to Mr.
Stanley Barton.
Where are you, Mr.
Barton? Now then, Lovejoy, what do you make of Mr.
Barton's teapot? Well, hello, Mr.
Barton.
It's very attractive, isn't it? I think it's Derby.
Yeah, there are the crossed batons on the base, it's had some serious repair work to the spout, otherwise it'd be worth two or three hundred quid.
As it is, Mr.
Barton, hang on to it and it's a very attractive thing to bring out at tea time.
Thank you, Lovejoy, for giving us the benefit of your expertise this afternoon.
But before you go, there is just one last question I'd like to ask you.
- Fire away.
- I've been told that you're one of these people who have a sixth sense where antiques are concerned.
I mean, if something is genuine you get this sort of physical reaction.
Is that right? There's a word, isn't there, if you have this ability.
Divvy - is that it? Erm, I don't think there's any substitute for experience in the antique trade.
And I I don't think I'd have lasted 25 years in this business on some mystical sixth sense.
But you are a divvy.
You have experienced this sensation.
- Well, yeah.
- Well, that's marvelous.
Because we've arranged a little test for you.
- Test? - Oh, come on, Lovejoy, it's just a bit of fun.
Who thinks Lovejoy ought to try our test? (All) Yes! Might be a bit of a disappointment, you know.
Hey! You two, come in here, look at this.
- (Both) What? - It's Lovejoy on telly! (Jane) Oh, no.
(Tinker) Oh, God.
No, listen, she's set him a test to see if he's a divvy.
What do you think, Lovejoy? Any priceless antiques among all these? Looks like rubbish.
- But, er - But what? Well I think maybe I do believe Lovejoy's getting some sort of vibration.
Can you describe what it feels like? (Gasping) It's an 18th-century Pembroke table.
Look at that beautiful ebony inlaid satinwood border.
Fluted, legs, spayed feet.
Oh, must be worth 20 grand.
Well, that's absolutely amazing.
I think you certainly have passed the test.
Lovejoy, ladies and gentlemen! (Applause) Lovejoy, that is outrageous.
What a set-up, they must have been rehearsing that all day.
Amongst other things.
Oh, yes, the haunted look.
That is brilliant, eh, Tink? I mean, it was a set-up, wasn't it? Who can say? Ah, Lovejoy! Did you know that the Manor Court Hotel has been sold at last? - That's fascinating, Jane.
- Well, it is for me.
I've been asked to do the interiors.
I was hoping you'd help me find the furniture.
Well, make a list and I'll go through it with you later, OK? - Go, you look rough.
- Are you my doctor? No, you're not.
Do you still sell porcelain to that old biddy who collects Derby? - Mrs.
Alton-Philby? Yes.
- That's the one.
Sell it for 300, keep 100.
- One and a quarter.
- You communist! Hello, Lovejoy.
God, you look rough.
- Are you my doctor? - No, thank God.
Ah, this is that teapot from the telly, isn't it? What's it doing here? - Obviously I bought it.
- Hang on a minute.
This is in good nick.
You said it had had some repair work done.
I believe I said "maybe" it had had some repair work done.
Those studio lights play terrible tricks, Eric.
I get it.
You've bought it off that old buffer for a silly price, haven't you? Oh, come along, Eric, you've known him long enough.
Ah, speaking of which, that stunt on the telly, with the tablecloth and all that, that was a set-up, eh? Yeah.
Course it was.
See? - Lovejoy.
- Mm? - Hello, Janey.
- Hello.
- Want a drink? - No, thanks.
Look I need to know if you're going to help me with the Manor Court Hotel job or not.
I have to know now.
If you're not interested, I'll need to find someone who is.
It's too much for Tinker and Eric to do on their own.
What's the problem? All you need is a set of sporting prints, an acre of chintz and some green wellies for the hall.
If only it were that simple.
Look, I need dining chairs, dressers, amongst other things.
A nice linen press would be marvelous and yes, sporting prints if you come across any decent ones.
I know it's easy for you to make fun but some of us need the work.
I'll drink to that.
- Lovejoy - What? You look terrible.
When did you last eat? Can't remember.
Look, why don't you come home with me and I'll cook something? - Lovejoy? - That's me.
I'm Tara Brockley.
We spoke on the phone.
- Oh, yes.
Yes, do you want a drink, Tara? - Oh Orange juice, please.
Right, orange juice, large one for me Janey? Oh sorry, Tara, this is Lady Jane Felsham, a colleague of mine.
Janey, make a list of what you want, I'll pick up tomorrow, OK? Tara wants me to do a valuation, so is there anything else? - No.
- Where's that drink?! - Good luck.
- Come on! I live in Great Compton, just the other side of Chelmsford.
Do you know it? Well, there's a big old house there, called The Comptons.
It belongs to Mr.
Kerslake, he's lived on his own there for years.
I should say he used to live there - he died last week.
Mr.
Kerslake was a bit, you know, weird.
Fancied himself as an artist.
He was a recluse.
But my mother used to keep an eye on him, do his shopping, make sure he kept warm.
Anyway, I took over from my mum last year when she - She passed on.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
He's left the house to some nephew in Florida but he's left the contents to me and Jack.
- Jack? - My husband.
Oh, of course, yeah.
The trouble is, we've split up.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
The solicitor's going to open the house on Thursday, we can pick up what we want.
It's in a terrible mess.
But there's supposed to be some really valuable things.
Only, I know nothing about antiques I don't have a clue.
And now I've heard that Jack's going to bring this antiques dealer with him.
And you want someone batting on your side? Jack'll take everything given half the chance.
- I just want my fair share.
- Of course.
Anyway, I saw you on the telly and I just had this feeling that I could trust you.
- I hope you don't mind.
- No, you did the right thing, Tara.
I shall do everything I can to protect your interests.
Thanks, Lovejoy.
I'll see you on Thursday.
Tara, it's only just gone ten, and I know this Italian restaurant, hm? It's really nice, it's only a couple of miles away and I'd like to buy you dinner.
- I couldn't.
- No? They serve a really nice risotto.
No.
Thank you, but no.
All right, then.
Well, some other time then, eh? - Hm? - Maybe.
Right.
Very nice meeting you.
- Bye.
- Ciao.
Ciao! (Clears throat) (Lovejoy) Is there tea made yet, Tink? And a very good morning to you too, Lovejoy! Oh, make me an egg butty, would you, Tink? Plenty of butter on the bread and don't break the yolk! - What did your last servant die of? - What? What were you doing last night? (Coughing) What are you, my mother? Sometimes I wonder.
By the way, that Mrs.
Alton-Philby welcomed the Derby teapot with open wallet.
Oh, things are looking up.
I met a nice young lady last night who has inherited the contents of a house near Chelmsford.
The only drawback being that she has to share the spoils with her estranged husband, who by all accounts, is a bit of a bar steward.
Don't tell me.
The knight in shining armor is none other than your chivalrous self.
She saw me on TV.
Pays to advertise.
For what it's worth, Lovejoy, I heartily disapprove to that.
- Just a bit of showmanship, Tink.
- It didn't look like showmanship to me.
It looked like the real thing.
Sweaty palms, aching bones and dizziness.
- Am I right? - So what if you are? - Remember Harold Richards? - Oh, please, Tink.
The greatest divvy in the south, the man with the inbuilt radar, the man that could do a house valuation without crossing the threshold, that could sniff out a silver teaspoon at 50 paces and tell you what was on the hallmark! I know, then he went greedy, went crooked and lost his marbles, then the men in white coats took him away.
I'm not Harold Richards, Tink! You have an incredible gift, Lovejoy, don't abuse it.
If you do, there may be a price to pay.
Ooh, "there may be a price to pay!" What a load of rubbish.
Drivel! You're a superstitious old woman, Tink.
And on top of that, you cooked my egg right through.
You've broken my yolk! Unbelievable.
I told you, the response was amazing.
My producer's talking about giving you a regular slot.
Money wouldn't be great but you never know - you could get picked up by the network.
- Hm.
- What's the matter, you got a nasty one? Green ink.
Nutters always use green ink.
From someone I know.
Harold Richards? Who is he? He's an old geezer, used to be in the trade.
You're right.
He's a nutter, where were we? We were discussing your future as a television personality.
Oh, yeah.
They say body language is very important on television.
Oh.
It's absolutely vital.
Right.
I'm going to need some coaching from a professional, someone who knows all about body language.
Well, I think I might be able to help you.
- Oh, good - (She giggles) - (Lovejoy) Janey? - Yes, in here.
Have you made a list for the hotel job? I'm doing a house clearance and I might find something.
- I'll just get it.
- Fine.
Hi, guys.
- Lovejoy - What? Tink and I have got tickets for a casual pitch at Beddingly antique fair and we wondered if you fancied coming along, we've got a spare ticket.
- Casual pitch at Beddingly? You're joking.
- It'll be a laugh.
Everybody'll be there, we'll go up the night before.
- Bring some booze.
- Some food.
Spending the night parked in a muddy lane with a can of warm lager and you two is not my idea of fun.
I thought you and Tinker used to go every year! What about those stories you used to tell me? That was the old days, before Lovejoy became a media star.
Yeah, some of us have moved on.
But Beddingly's fine if you're a loser.
Go on, Eric, it'll suit you.
Not very nice, Lovejoy.
Eric, you don't get brownie points in this business for being nice.
Right, Tink? - If you say so.
- I do, and I'm off.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Janey.
- Mr.
Figgis.
- Morning.
- This is Lovejoy, I've asked him to help me.
- Ah.
- This is Mr.
Figgis, the solicitor.
- Mr.
Figgis.
Shall we start? - I'm supposed to wait for Mr.
Brockley.
- He's late, isn't he? Yes, I suppose so.
Straight through.
(Tara) The electricity was cut off years ago.
Oh no, this is the room he lived in, down here.
- (Birds fluttering) - (Figgis) Oh, my God! If you need me, I'll be outside.
I think he was a better drinker than he was a painter.
Don't know what your expectations are, Tara, but I wouldn't book that world cruise just yet.
(Man) bloody pigsty! Who the hell's this? (Tara) His name's Lovejoy.
And this is Charlie Gimbert.
So, how we gonna do this, then? Oh, you pick out what you want, then you each make a list and we put a price The best price we think we can get for everything on the list? Yeah, and if you can't agree who gets a certain item, then it goes to who ever's got the highest price on their list.
Fine by me.
- What's in this for you two? - Everything we get over the price on the list is our profit.
We daren't risk underpricing.
We'd lose out altogether, right? - Yeah, OK.
- Right, let's get cracking.
The bed and the tall boy are the only things worth talking about in here.
What do you think? Well, the tall boy Iooks interesting but I want a closer look.
Er, do you mind? Be my guest.
If you want the, er, tall boy, that's fine with us.
We'll take the brass bed.
(Tara) Lovejoy? Whoa, hold on.
Ooh.
Lovejoy? (TV studio applause) Lovejoy? Are you all right? Hm? - You OK? - Yeah.
Yeah, it must be the stink in here.
Yeah, we'll take the, er We'll take the tall boy.
- Fine.
- Hold on, wait a minute.
Why's he so bloody keen on the tall boy thing? For God's sake, Jack, you have the tall boy.
I don't care.
- I just wanna get it over with.
- Oh, yeah, I get it.
You want the bed, don't you? I don't trust 'em, they're bluffing.
We'll do what you said - put a price down for both, then see which is the highest.
This is so humiliating, Jack.
I can't stand it.
Nice one, Tara.
Tears, the last resort.
Well, I'd persuade her to come back if I was you, otherwise nobody's gonna get anything.
This is ridiculous, Lovejoy.
Bidding against each other, we've got to come to an arrangement.
- Hm? - Well, I mean we could split the profits on everything, down the middle.
- Then it doesn't matter who chooses what? - That way we could mark everything down.
Just a tad.
Yeah Yeah.
That's terrific, Lovejoy.
Yeah, we couldn't have done it better if we'd planned it.
But you were bluffing about the tall boy, weren't you? What do you mean? Well, the bottom half's Victorian and the feet are completely wrong.
(Chuckles) Course I was bluffing.
I thought so! All right, let's get on with it.
Then there's that old long case clock in the hall.
What have you got for that? - 350, what about you? - Four.
- It's bound to bring 550, 600 at auction.
- Absolutely.
Into the auction it goes.
I've got some stuff here that Jane should take off our hands, like a wash stand, library steps, chaise longue, prints - 400 for that lot? the rest of the dross in the house.
- Now, what about Dave Godley? - He'd take it off our hands for about 750.
- 900.
- (Both laugh) Dave Godley.
Right.
Well, I reckon that up to be, um Whoo! Not bad for a morning's work, eh, Charlie? You know, Lovejoy, I've had my doubts about you in the past, and I shall continue to have them.
But after today, I think maybe you're not such a bad chap after all.
(Laughs) Two engravings in gilt frames of Epsom downs on derby day, 1876.
- For Lady Felsham.
- Right.
Mr.
Dill That chap Godley, are you sure he's all right? Godley? Course he's not all right! - He serves a useful function.
- (Eric) Yeah, like a vulture.
He's clearing the crap out of your client's house and paying for the privilege.
I'd be grateful if I were you.
Yeah, you could always try Sotheby's but somehow I don't think they'd be interested.
(Eric) Right, to me, yeah.
I've got it.
Take it away.
Oh, pardon me, the name is Goat, Ted Goat.
- Yes? - I'm here to discuss a confidential matter with Mr.
Kerslake.
I'm afraid Mr.
Kerslake has passed away.
Right.
If you wish to discuss matters relating to his estate, you must contact my senior partner, there's his number.
Oh, this is terrible.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Tragic.
- Who's this? - Tragic.
Er, pardon the intrusion, but I'm an old friend of the late Mr.
Kerslake.
Tragic, tragic.
But Mr.
Kerslake didn't have any friends.
I've never seen him before.
Allow to show you my card.
Edward V.
Goat, BSc.
Dealer in collectables and ephemera.
Also known as Ted Goat, East Anglia's most notorious grave-robber.
Mr.
Dill, what a pleasant surprise.
- Grave-robber? - It's a figure of speech.
He's one of those blokes who reads the obituaries in the paper.
Then he calls on the bereaved and get his foot in the door while their defenses are down.
Before you know it, he's making an offer on the shroud.
Ah - here we are.
"Kerslake, Archibald, quietly at home after a short illness, no flowers please.
" Pardon me, but if I might be permitted to make a comment I wouldn't if I were you.
- I'd hop it.
- Yes, I think it'd be best if you left, Mr.
Goat.
As you can see, all the arrangements have been made.
Yes, yes, of course.
Most intrusive.
What a blow.
Right, this lot's ready to go, Figgis.
All yours, Dave.
- There we are.
- Thank you.
No, thank you.
Don't mention it.
Well, I think it's disgusting.
Lovejoy and Charlie Gimbert working together like this, pretending they don't know each other.
- It's a con! - I agree.
(Tinker) It's a con from which we all benefit in one way or another.
Jane sold a chaise longue to Mr.
Paynter at the Manor Court Hotel for what can best be described as a startling profit.
That was just good business, Tinker, and a bit of luck thrown in.
I'm not suggesting any impropriety on your part.
Far from it.
And I myself will accept my modest share with a clear conscience.
No, what I'm saying is, if Lovejoy and Gilbert tilted the scales a little bit their favor, we'll all benefit from it, including that unhappy couple who might have ended up with Ted Goat.
Yeah, but you always defend him, Tinker.
But I think Lovejoy's changed.
I know I always go on at him about being more fiscally responsible, but there are business ethics as well, you know.
I mean, we used to have a laugh, now it's just money.
That's all he's interested in.
What you got from Janey is peanuts.
Here's a catalog for the auction next week, where you're really gonna make some money.
I think we should go out and have dinner tonight to celebrate.
No, no, I couldn't.
Thank you, Lovejoy, I'd really rather not.
You've been really kind and I'm very grateful but I think we ought to keep things businesslike.
- You do understand, don't you? - Yeah.
Course I do, Tara, totally.
Well, I must go.
Thanks again, Lovejoy.
I'm sorry about dinner.
- I hope you don't mind.
- Not in the slightest.
Oh, Tara Don't forget your catalog.
Thank you.
Lovejoy, drink with the grown-ups.
No.
No, I don't think so.
See? No fun any more.
(Lovejoy) Things to do, people to see.
- Lovejoy! - What do you want? The other day, when I claimed to be an old friend of the late Mr.
Kerslake.
I was being somewhat economical with the truth.
I find that hard to believe.
Pardon me, but I was.
In all honesty, I couldn't presume to be the gentleman's friend, but I did once have the honor of crossing the threshold of his delightful residence.
- I'll bet you did.
- And a very charming host he was, we had a lively conversation about the Cubist movement, as I recall.
Will you get on with it, Goat? Well, during my brief visit, I couldn't help, how shall I say, noticing some of the esteemed gentleman's possessions.
Now, that I can believe.
And that's how I know about the wine cooler.
The what? Mounted, mahogany wine cooler.
Georgian.
George II.
In my humble opinion, very possibly Pardon me Chippendale.
In a terrible state of neglect, of course, terrible filthy, dirty, these artists don't give a fig for material possessions.
And what you're talking about, I care even less.
You've got until I get to my truck to explain.
Well, I couldn't help observing that the wine cooler is not among the items you've put in to auction on behalf of the lucky young couple.
And the gracious Lady Jane Felsham tells me she has purchased no such thing from the estate.
So the question is, what has become of it? I did not see a wine cooler.
You can hardly have missed it, Lovejoy.
Your acumen is famous in these matters, as your highly entertaining appearance on the television demonstrated.
I can only assume that you have put the wine cooler aside for your own benefit.
There was no wine cooler! Oh, please believe me, I in no way disapprove.
These are difficult times, we must all do what we can but were I to be permitted a Pardon me share modest share of your good fortune, I would ensure that the existence of the wine cooler never got to the ears of young Jack or young Tara, say.
I'm sure you get my drift.
After all, we're all men of the world.
Listen to me, Goat, you maggot, You sniveling excuse for a human being.
If you ever come near me again - no, if I ever see you on the horizon - I won't be responsible for my actions, I will do terrible things to your body and you will never be able to speak about them because I shall shove your teeth where the sun never shines.
You got that, Goat? Yes.
Of course.
Your candor is most refreshing, Lovejoy.
Most refreshing indeed.
(TV studio applause) (Piercing screech) (Creaking) ( 0rgan playing) (Echoing) Bool Bool Bool Bool (Cackling) Bool (Lovejoy screams) (Groans) "Dear Lovejoy, saw you on the telly last night, you must be careful.
"Come and see me if you want, yours truly "Harold Richards.
" - What's a wine cooler? - Well, it's Georgian, it's mahogany Well, it looks like a, like a tub on four legs, it's about 30 inches across, 12 inches deep, it was full of tubes of paint, bottles of turps, old newspapers, all sorts of rubbish.
- Oh, the whassername? - The whassername! I humped it out the house meself.
- It's still here? - No, 'fraid not.
Spike Hawkins come in yesterday, had some gear off us.
He bougt the, um - The whassername.
- Wine cooler.
- So where do I find this Spike Hawkins? - He lives in Wales.
- Oh, Dave! - You won't find him there now.
In the summer, him and his old lady live in his van, they go round all the antique fairs.
Sort of new age antique dealers.
They come here every year for the Beddingly fair.
Anyone else comes looking for the wine cooler, you haven't seen it.
There's a very large for you if I find it, Dave.
Sure, why not.
Valuable, is it? You could say that.
We must be losing our touch, Lovejoy.
Maybe it's time we jacked it in, eh? Hello, Harold.
Come in, Lovejoy.
I've just put the kettle on.
I only remembered the wine cooler after I'd dreamt about it.
It had been under my nose and I'd never seen it.
Oh, and there were other things.
There was a tall boy, for instance, it looked fine to me, until Charlie Gimbert pointed out that the feet were wrong and the bottom half was from something else.
Taking lessons from Charlie Gimbert? God forbid! No.
They say God's everywhere, so I suppose he's in the antique trade.
I bet he's depressed as hell though.
Glad someone's happy, Harold.
There isn't an antique in this house, except me.
That's why I can smile.
So what happened? You were the most famous divvy in the south.
What are most dealers in the trade for? To make money, simple as that.
But it's a bit more complicated for you and me.
In the beginning, it's not the money with us.
It's the dry mouth, it's the tingling in the scalp, it's the feeling dizzy because we've got something beautiful in our hands.
With me it was porcelain, with you Well, after watching you on the telly with that Pembroke table, Id' say furniture was your first love.
Cast your mind back a few years, Lovejoy.
What was your first thought when you came across a piece like that? Did you think, "Hmm, I can turn a nice profit on that"? No.
That was probably your second thought.
Your first was pleasure.
Pleasure that the piece existed at all, no matte what it was worth or what you could make on it.
That's love, that is.
Love.
Or money.
So what are you saying to me Harold? I've got to give it all up, buy a bungalow and a cardigan or I'll crack up? No! Course not, son.
You're not like me, I'm past it.
You'll be all right.
Just be careful like I said in the letter.
Get the balance right, love and money.
It's all a question of balance.
Yeah.
Do you know I haven't had a decent night's sleep in ages, Harold? Morning, Lovejoy.
Mm? Oh! Thank you, Harold.
- Must have nodded off.
- Yes, you did.
About 12 hours ago.
Have you got a spare razor I could borrow? Course I have.
Thank you.
You're welcome, son.
Good morning, Tinker! (Tinker) Ah, Lovejoy, it's disgustingly early! Gonna be a busy day, Tink, lots to do.
Thought I'd cook you breakfast.
You are gonna cook me breakfast? Yeah! Do you think Eric's still got a spare ticket for the Beddingly antiques fair? Probably.
Where have you been, Lovejoy? - I went to see Harold Richards.
- Harold Richards?! You went to see Harold Richards? But nobody knows where he lives, nobody knows if he's still alive.
- I do, he sent me a letter.
- What's he like, what did you talk about? He's a nice little fella, nice little house.
I had a cup of tea then fell asleep on his sofa.
You went to see the greatest divvy in the south and you fell asleep on his sofa?! I was tired.
Lovejoy, there are times when you render me speechless! He was very, very helpful, Tink.
Well, he'd better be, cos you need all the help you can get right now.
- What are you talking about? - You're public enemy number one! Ted Goat has been going around telling everybody who'll listen that you've appropriated a Chippendale wine cooler that belongs to the Brockley couple! Nobody's gonna believe anything Ted Goat says, are they? I mean, you're not, are you, Tink? Are you? Hello? Tink, you don't think I'd do a thing like that, do you? Lovejoy, if you look me right in the eye and tell me you didn't do it, I'll believe you.
But I'm in the minority of one and let's face it, your behavior of late does not really inspire confidence.
Well, some people are very quick to think the worst.
Right.
Think I'll have a couple of eggs.
Might as well have a hearty breakfast before I face the music.
You're a crook, Lovejoy! You saw us coming, mate! Hold it! Hold it! How many times do I have to tell you, I did not take the wine cooler! I didn't see it there, I didn't know it was there! Oh, yeah! Your famous sixth sense just happened to miss an antique which according to Mr.
Goat might be worth You must admit, Lovejoy, with all due respect, it's a most unlikely proposition.
- Didn't I tell you what I was gonna do to you? - Hey.
You wanna threaten anybody, try me.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, come on.
Pardon me, but Mr.
And Mrs.
Brockley have asked me to represent their interests in this matter.
We couldn't ask Mr.
Gimbert because guess what - he's an old friend of yours.
Will you just listen to me? I think I know where the wine cooler is and I'm gonna try and get it back, but just give me a break, will you? I think if you know where it is, you ought to tell us.
I'm telling you nothing, Goat! (All shouting) Lovejoy! What on earth is going on?! Lady Felsham! How charming it is to see you, and looking most fragrant if I may say so.
And pardon for the intrusion, I'm sure, but we were just about to go.
Come along.
We know about you, Lovejoy.
You've done bird.
Get our property back or you'll do a lot more! And to think, I almost went out with you! - Lovejoy! - Mm? Come with me.
Excuse us.
I don't know what kind of trouble you're in and frankly I don't want to know.
But I am trying to run a business here and I don't see why my client should have to endure the spectacle of you shouting the odds with assorted low-lives.
I've put up with quite enough as it is, but this is the last straw.
Any repetition, Lovejoy, and you will not be welcome here any more.
Eric, you er, still got that spare ticket for Beddingly? I'd have thought you'd got better things to do than hang about with a bunch of losers at some antique fair.
Changed my mind.
Well, I haven't got the ticket any more, but even if I did I'm not sure I'd wanna go with you cos I've got my reputation to think of, haven't I? That's not very nice.
Well, you don't get any brownie points for being nice in this business, do you, Tink? If you say so, Eric.
Ha! (Quietly) Yes! Of all the dirty, rotten tricks, Lovejoy! I thought I'd seen everything but this beats the lot! I haven't got it, I never had it.
- You - Get off me, Charlie! I'm warning you, Lovejoy.
If you haven't got it, then who has? Huh? Because I went to see that Dave Godley yesterday, he says he hasn't got it.
But I know when that dirty little toad is lying! You! You owe me, Lovejoy! You owe me! We had a deal, 50/50! I want my share! My producer wants to give you an early evening slot, on Fridays.
Ten minutes, say, sort of fun thing to kick the weekends off with? His only worry is, will you be able to pull off some sort of stunt every week? I said no problem, we can always cheat it.
Moira, the reason I came round is to tell you that I just don't wanna do it.
Look, I appreciate your efforts on my behalf, I just can't do it.
Doesn't feel right.
OK.
It's your decision.
Of course, if we're not working together, there's really not much point in us meeting any more, is there? - What's the holdup? - There is no holdup, this is the queue.
We won't be moving till six in the morning when they open the gates.
Tea'll be ready in a minute if you fancy a cup.
Oh, great! Oh, terrific! Make sure nobody comes through.
Afternoon.
We're doing mostly oriental, you know, chicken say-tay with peanut sauce.
Sweet and sour prawns, beef with spring onions.
Yeah, if you wanna get out of this alive, stick with us.
Don't go near that kebab place.
I'll bear that in mind.
- All right, ladies? - Hello, gorgeous! - How's the diet, then? - Very funny! Don't forget, no trading in the queue.
No.
Fat git! There's a by-law, means they can stop you trading in the queue.
One year, everyone came without a ticket, did all their business in the lane, - turned round and buggered off! - (All laugh) You don't know a dealer called Spike Hawkins, do you? Oh yeah, we know Spike! - Is he around yet? - I haven't seen him.
That old lorry of his has probably packed up.
Yeah, when they astral projection don't work he has to call the AA.
And watch out - he don't sell stuff to Scorpios.
Oh, all right, then.
Casual pitch, ten quid, guv? Inside pitch, 15 quid.
- Can you change the water, please dear? - I could report you to a steward, you know.
- Give us your best price on this.
- 150.
- I said your best price! - 150.
I only give presents at Christmas - and then only to friends.
- Get out of it.
No trading in the queue, thank you! That's not funny, Lovejoy.
It's rather jolly, isn't is, all the old familiar faces? Yeah, like Ted Goat and Charlie Gimbert.
I wonder what they're doing here.
Any ideas? Charlie asked me what you were doing at the weekend and I told him.
I didn't realize your movements were top-secret.
I'm going for a drink in a dormobile two fields up.
- Fancy coming, Tink? - I'll catch up with you.
- Did you find what you were looking for? - No, I'm out of luck at the moment.
- Not even Eric likes me.
- That must be most distressing.
(Laughter) It's true! It's not only a whisky flask, it can also save life.
I once used it in the Channel as a fog horn.
(Toots) Cheers, Charlie.
Down the little red lane.
Mm! You have to get the pitch right.
Only instrument in the world it's a great pleasure to tune.
(Laughter) (Tinker) Perhaps a bit deeper.
Why did the penguin cross the road? That'd be a laugh! (All laughing) - Here y'are darlin'.
- Oh, ta.
By the way, that Spike Hawkins has turned up.
It's a wonder his van ever even made it here.
- See you later.
- Yeah.
Morning.
(Engine grinds) Hello.
You having trouble? Yeah, bloomin' thing - racing, stalling, God knows what.
I cant help you there.
- Spike Hawkins, right? - Yeah.
Why? Do I know you? - No, but I hear you got some good stuff.
- Yeah, I've always got good stuff.
- Mind if I take a look? - Yeah, no problem.
- Stewards ain't about yet, are they? - No, not at this time.
- Cuppa? - Cheers.
Ah.
This is nice.
The man's got taste.
- What is it? - Well, it's um, mahogany, as you can see.
French, jardinière.
You put flowers in it, that sort of thing.
How much? - A grand? - Nah.
Fourteen.
Eleven.
Twelve-fifty, cash.
Done.
Here, you ain't a Scorpio, are you? - No, I'm a Virgo.
- Nice one.
All right, Lovejoy, stop right there.
Don't be silly, Charlie, get out of the way.
We had a deal, 50/50.
Sure, 50/50 of nothing, cos that's what I'm getting out of this, Charlie.
I'm returning this to the Brockleys.
Returning it? Are you mad? We'd get 15-20,000 for this, each! Look, it's what everyone thinks you're doing anyway, so why not just do it! He's right, you know.
Pardon me.
I am confident I could persuade the Brockleys that the wine cooler was irretrievable, leaving it free for you gentlemen to sell.
Of course, I would require a fee.
Shall we say - Shall we say 10p? - 9,000.
- What about 9p? - (Both arguing) 50/50, Lovejoy, and I'm sticking to 50/50.
Oh no, you don't, Lovejoy! - No! - Oh, please! - I'm warning you! - Stewards! Stewards! Stewards! These men are attempting to trade with me in the queue! Please! Excuse me, thank you! (Charlie) What's going on? Get your hands off me! So the wine cooler went for 35 grand, and the Brockleys are going off on a second honeymoon.
Well, all's well that ends well, then.
I never doubted your integrity for a moment, Lovejoy.
Well, maybe a couple of moments.
There was something else I've got to sort out, apart from the rest of your list, Jane.
Tink, have you got that teapot back from that Mrs.
Whatshername? Don't tell me you're gonna give it back.
Well, only giving the bloke 70 quid was a bit naughty.
You're serious.
Love or money.
It's all a question of balance.
Talking of money, Lovejoy, that Mrs.
Alton-Philby drives a hard bargain.
I had to give her 400! Antiques brings out the worst in some people.
(Beeps horn) - Mr.
Barton.
- Yes? I'm Lovejoy, remember me? Oh yes, the antiques chap, bought my old teapot.
That's what I came to see you about.
See, it's worth far more than I thought.
- I made a mistake.
- Mistake? Yes, I thought it had been repaired but it hasn't Of course it's been repaired.
I repaired it.
That's what I do, repair porcelain.
I must say, I was jolly surprised that you bought it.
Your famous sixth sense must have been switched off.
Ah well, can't stand here talking all day.
Very nice to see you again.
You can't trust anybody these days.