Monk s04e13 Episode Script

[Man.]
Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll follow me, I think you're going to find this next room very interesting.
You're going to want to get your cameras ready.
This is the world-famous Cromwell family exhibit.
I still get goose bumps every time I walk into this room.
It is the largest private collection in Europe.
The Cromwell family has collected everything from furniture and paintings to medieval weaponry.
This, of course, is the crown jewel of the exhibit no pun intended the Alexander diamond.
It was worn by Queen Elizabeth at her coronation.
- Experts have called it the most perfect diamond in the world.
- It's beautiful.
You're probably wondering what it's worth.
Actually, no one knows.
But I can tell you this: That little rock has been insured by Lloyd's of London for $20 million.
[Crowd Gasps, Murmurs.]
[Electronic Humming.]
[Humming Fades.]
[Clock Ticking.]
[Grunting.]
~~ [Up-tempo Folk.]
~ It's a jungle out there ~ ~ Disorder and confusion everywhere ~ ~ No one seems to care ~ ~ Well, I do Hey, who's in charge here ~ ~ It's a jungle out there ~ ~ Poison in the very air we breathe ~ ~ Do you know what's in the water that you drink, well, I do ~ ~ And it's amazing ~ ~ People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time ~ ~ If you paid attention you'd be worried too ~ ~ You better pay attention or this world we love so much ~ ~ Mightjust kill you ~ ~ I could be wrong now ~ ~ But I don't think so ~ ~'Cause it's a jungle out there ~ ~ It's a jungle out there ~~ That's 42.
80.
Okay.
There we go.
And I have a coupon.
I can't take this.
It expired yesterday.
Yesterday? Oh, she's right.
Darn.
Sometimes I wish I had a time machine.
Wait.
If you had a time machine, you would use it to go back to save 50 cents on Lysol? Yes.
Yes, I would.
You wouldn't use it to save Abraham Lincoln? Fine.
I'll save Lincoln.
It never ends with you.
Sir, do you have a different card? It says "declined.
" Declined? Okay, Mr.
Monk, do you have any money in the bank? No.
That could be it.
Okay.
Um I'm sorry.
Please hurry.
[Scoffs.]
All right, I've got $34.
Is that it? Yesterday was payday.
Yes, it was, but I didn't get paid.
You know, your paydays are becoming sort of theoretical.
Come on.
You need to put some stuff back.
No.
I can't.
Look Look.
L-l I made a list.
Everything here is on the list.
I know.
I know.
We're gonna come back later and pick it up.
Come on.
People are waitin'.
Okay.
[Man.]
Come on.
Oh, this then.
Oh, wait.
No.
Um, I need this.
Oh, this Ooh.
Gotta have the spray.
All right.
How about How about one of these.
Yeah.
This one.
Okay.
No.
No.
Um, nah, let's go with that one.
All right.
Ah, wait a second.
[Man.]
Come on.
Hurry up.
[Sighs.]
Oh, it's like Sophie's Choice, except it's soup.
Okay, we're keepin' the soup.
We'll put back this, this No.
This and this.
Mr.
Monk, look at us.
This is ridiculous.
We're both broke.
We haven't had a new case in three weeks.
What do you want me to do? You need to get a raise.
You gotta talk to the captain.
We can't go on like this.
I'm not good at this, asking for more money Okay, then let me do the talking.
I'm not good at that either.
Okay, Mr.
Monk, you deserve a raise.
You've solved a lot of big cases for them, single-handedly.
Maybe I helped a little.
No, no, no, no, no! You can't think like that.
You gotta brag about yourself.
You gotta toot your own horn.
I'm not much of a tooter.
[Natalie.]
You better learn how to toot.
Toot's a funny word.
Hilarious.
Yeah.
Oh, hello, Gladys.
- Natalie Teeger, this is Gladys.
- Hey, Gladys.
Gladys is great.
Gladys has been cleaning up around here for years.
I used to help her out in my spare time.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Remember? Yeah, until I got that restraining order, remember? Good times, good times.
You have to get underneath, right? Gladys? Under? Why? Nobody ever looks under there.
But you'll know it's clean.
Isn't that its own reward? You'll know.
The captain says I don't have to talk to you.
I know, I know.
But under, okay? Under the table.
I wanna help you guys, okay? I really do.
But they already questioned me four times.
[Disher.]
It's notjust you, Mr.
Landis.
We're talkin'to all the guards, the cleaning staff, curators anybody who was at the museum.
Yeah, but I haven't even been home yet.
And I appreciate that.
We need your official statement, then you're free to go.
So, for the record, where were you during the robbery? For the fifth time, okay? I was at my station on the main floor.
I never left.
I didn't even go to the bathroom.
And you didn't hear anything unusual? No sir.
L-I was three floors away.
Okay.
Excuse me for a second.
Uh, can I get you somethin' to drink? No.
Monk.
Nat.
What's goin' on? What, you haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum.
It was big, big.
The Alexander diamond.
Whoa! I know, "whoa.
" Uh, Robbery Division asked us to help out, so we're takin' statements from everybody on-site.
- So you're not arresting him about the drugs? - Uh, no.
What drugs? His fingertips are stained.
Looks like red phosphorous.
You get that from making crystal meth.
He's gotta have a lab somewhere.
Okay.
I'll check out.
Excuse me, uh, Mr.
Landis? Could you come here, please? Lf, uh, the captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room "B.
" Uh, right this way.
What? You know what.
You just solved that case for free.
Wh-What was I supposed to do? Well, if you were selling ice cream, would you hand out free scoops? Wh-What was I supposed to say? "Hey Lieutenant, there's a drug dealer somewhere in this room.
I'll tell you who it is for $20"? At least we'd have $20.
[Groans.]
All right, there's the captain.
Remember, you deserve a raise.
You deserve it! Okay.
When you're right, you're right.
Okay.
Captain? Uh - Hey, Monk.
What are you doing here? - Captain, I have to talk to you about something.
Can it wait? Okay, well, we'll come back.
Okay, we're back.
And Natalie? - Captain - If this is about money, forget about it.
We're broke.
The department is strapped.
We just, uh, got another hiring freeze.
- Captain, we haven't had a new case in three weeks.
- You know, you're right.
There hasn't been a major homicide in a long time.
- But you gotta keep your hopes up, stay optimistic.
- Okay.
Well, thank you very much.
Okay, Captain, come on.
We can't just sit around waitin' for the phone to ring.
It's not fair to us.
We have no security.
- What do you want me to do? - We wanna be put on retainer.
- What? - You know retainer, like a lawyer.
We want a guaranteed income.
Look, it doesn't have to be much.
We just need a little security.
Yeah, just Okay, I'll see what I can do, but don't get your hopes up, okay? Anything else? Um - It's It's about Gladys.
- Have you been talking to Gladys? Captain I told you not to talk to Gladys.
She's not cleaning under the tables again.
I think you should talk to her.
I will about her aim.
[Mouths Words.]
[Disher.]
Get him downstairs.
You were right.
I get this guy in the room.
He's denying everything.
He's twitching.
He's nervous.
Threatened to get a search warrant and tear his house apart.
I pick up the phone.
I start to dial.
He collapses.
He gave it all up.
Crystal meth lab in his basement.
Narcotics is on their way over.
I owe you one.
Okay.
[Clears Throat.]
What? You know what.
Oh.
Oh, the thing about the ice cream and the free scoops? That's right.
Mr.
Monk? We're rich.
We hit the jackpot.
Oh, good.
Look.
It's about the Alexander diamond.
Lloyd's of London is offering a one million dollar reward to anybody that finds it.
No questions asked.
So? Mr.
Monk, you can find that diamond.
Nah, I don't think so.
What? You're a great detective.
You solve crimes all the time without even trying.
It's annoying how many crimes you solve.
Come on.
Let's go for it.
Let's cash in! Natalie, I don't do what I do for money.
Mr.
Monk, it's a million dollars.
You'll never have to worry for the rest of your life.
Well, of course you'll worry, but not about money.
I don't know.
Mr.
Monk, you have to do this.
I mean, I love this job, but I have to get paid.
Just Just please! Just say yes.
Say you'll do it.
Just say yes.
Could you get off my counter? Okay, fine.
I'll do it.
~ A million dollars A million dollars ~~ Congratulations.
Excuse me.
Any suspects yet? I wouldn't know.
I'm just delivering flowers.
No, you're not.
You're a private detective, just like me Well, not quite like me.
Me, a detective? [Chuckles.]
That's, uh, pretty funny, actually.
I can't wait to tell the guys back at Look, you're insulting me.
Triple-A-Flower Shop.
That satellite dish on your roof, the number, 555 obviously a fake [Vehicle Approaching.]
No.
Conclusion number one you're after the Alexander diamond.
Conclusion number two you haven't got a prayer.
Scuse me, that's a handicapped spot.
It's okay.
I'm psychotic.
- Is this where they stole the rock? - Are you addressing me? Not anymore.
You, Poindexter This the scene of the crime? Excuse me, boys I got a million dollars waitin' for me inside.
[Electronic Devices Beeping.]
[Panel Beeps, Whirs.]
[Door Unlocks.]
- [Door Opens.]
- Ah, apparently we think alike.
Frightening thought for those of us who aren't you.
Uh, " Philip Wick.
Access to all areas.
" This'll do me.
Hello again.
What does this say? "Curator Sally Kant.
" Here, try this one: "Robert Gant.
" That's a boy's name.
Uh, look, chaps.
Um, since we're all after the same thing, why don't we just pool our talents? - What are you talkin' about? - Well, work together and split the reward.
Look, why don't we begin by introducing ourselves, right? My name's St.
Clare, retired Scotland Yard inspector.
I moved to San Francisco Whoa, I'm interruptin' ya.
No friggin' way.
I'm findin' that rock myself, and I'm keepin' all the money.
Well, may the best man win.
I intend to.
He said "man.
" This entire wing was locked.
I mean, it was completely locked down.
Somehow they opened that connecting door from the inside.
We can't figure it out.
What do you think? I don't know yet.
Well, come on.
Focus.
Concentrate.
Do that thing you do.
I've never seen you like this.
What, broke? Ah.
What? What, what, what? These scratches here and here Looks like these tire irons weren't heavy enough to do the job [St.
Clare.]
Gentlemen, we have competition.
That is Adrian Monk.
- Adrian Monk? I thought he worked homicide.
- [Man.]
Oh, what are you two afraid of? Something's off here.
What is it? Glass shards on the inside.
When that case was shattered, this case was open.
I think they took this weapon, used it, then put it back and relocked the case.
Wha What does that tell us? A lot.
It means it was an inside job, and they didn't want us to know it was an inside job.
[Giggles.]
Ka-ching! What does that mean? [Natalie On Headphones.]
It means we're gonna be rich.
Ka-ching! This guy's good.
What's he saying? [Feedback.]
Put that thing away.
What's wrong with you? Excuse me, sir.
Did anything unusual happen Tuesday, before the break-in? Anything at all out of the ordinary? No.
Well, now that you mention it, Tuesday afternoon I heard or I thought I heard somebody whispering.
Whispering.
It wasn't in this room.
It was, uh, down the hallway.
It was about 2:30.
I was standing about there, and I thought I heard someone saying "my womb.
" My room? "My womb.
" It was a man's voice, and he was saying it over and over.
My womb.
- I thought it was coming from that vent, but it's impossible.
- [Cell Phone Ringing.]
I think I'm going senile.
I'm sorry.
I've got to take this.
[Beeps.]
Hello? My womb.
My womb.
It sounds like a mantra, like a meditation.
My womb.
My womb.
My womb.
[Monk.]
My [Door Rolls Up.]
Look at this.
[Natalie.]
What? It's a footprint.
Somebody was hiding in here.
Wait.
In there? That's how they opened the connecting door.
Let's grab the detectives.
We need an evidence kit.
Wait.
Not yet.
What do you mean, not yet? Let's find the diamond, then we'll tell 'em how we did it.
Natalie, this is not a game show.
This this is a felony.
Investi It's a broken necklace.
That's an unusual design.
Oh, good.
We'll try and I.
D.
It.
Come on.
Let's get outta here.
- [Monk.]
Oh.
- Sorry.
You okay? Oh, I don't know.
Something's Something's wrong.
L What? I'm a littlea little [Sighs.]
I'm not balanced.
[Chuckles.]
Um, excuse me.
Yeah, um, I'm gonna be needing that back because I only have two of them, and the other one doesn't work.
Are you following us? What? Ah, Mr.
Monk, what an honor.
My name's St.
Clare Inspector St.
Clare.
I've been following your cases assiduously from across the pond, you know.
Hey, Shakespeare, nobody cares.
- Wait.
I can't believe you're following us.
- Is that a lead? Maybe.
Uh Look.
Mr.
St.
Clare Inspector, I'm sure a gentleman like yourself can appreciate the fact that these two leads belong to us.
- Two leads? - Well, yes, the necklace and the initials carved in the desk.
Mr.
Monk.
I'm sorry.
[Whispers.]
Go.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Excuse me.
My name is Jennie Mandeville, and, uh [Whispers.]
I did something I'd like to confess.
Well, what did ya do, Jennie? [Whispers.]
I robbed a bank.
It was about three weeks ago the Community Savings Trust in Sausalito.
Sausalito? I don't remember anything about that.
I'll take it.
Hi, I'm Lieutenant Disher.
Uh, Jennie? Uh, Miss Mandeville.
Just, uh, have a seat.
[Clears Throat.]
- Uh, is there a problem? - I'm claustrophobic.
Is this the only room that you have? All the rooms are the same size, miss.
Please, just have a seat.
[Switches Clicking.]
This is Lieutenant Disher.
I'm in Interrogation Room "A" with Jennie Mandeville.
So, you say you robbed a bank? That's right.
I went inside, and I saw one of those pens you know chained to the desk? And I really needed a pen, so I snapped it off, and I put it in my purse.
You stole a pen? One pen? [Sniffling.]
Oh, God.
Do you think God will forgive me? I don't know, ma'am [Switch Clicks.]
But we do.
You're free to go.
God, what is up with those three detectives? Do you think we lost them? Ah, Natalie, they are not detectives.
They're rent-a-cops.
They're hired guns.
They are mercenaries.
In other words, they're us.
This whole thing is about greed.
Okay, you know how you always say you'll thank me later? You'll thank me later.
Ooh, that's gotta be him.
Hello, are you Mr.
Kwan? [Monk.]
I think he nodded.
Was that Was that a Was that a nod? Sir? Sir, could If that was a nod, nod.
Sir, we found this at the scene of a crime a robbery.
We've been doing some research.
This is your design, isn't it? You give these to your students? Natalie, please.
Sir, you you, uh you have a thread hanging, uh, right in the middle, there.
I'll just I'll get it.
Just one lone Um If you just Okay.
Okay.
Mr.
Kwan, you look like a very busy man, so I'm just gonna get right to the point.
Do you have a student that could fit inside of a rolltop desk? He can't be more than five feet tall.
Does that ring a bell or a gong? Mr.
Monk, you're distracting him.
No.
He's distracting me.
Is there anyone here who is that small and limber who could scrunch up inside of a desk? A scruncher a little scruncher? - Mr.
Kwan, there's a lot of money at stake here.
- Got it.
[St.
Clare.]
Well, well, well.
Mr.
Monk.
We meet again.
Surprised? - Why don't you get your own clues? - Well, normally I do, but you two are so easy to follow, especially when you're kind enough to keep your emergency blinker on all day long.
I told you.
It's the safest way to drive.
Wait! Don't question anybody yet.
- I have a voice stress analyzer.
I'll be able to tell if he's lying or not.
- He hasn't said anything.
- You are a pathetic little frog, aren't you? - You thought you could lose me, huh? Well, you can all just relax.
Dirk'll take it from here.
Hey, hippie, you in charge? My name is Dirk.
I'm a professional bounty hunter.
I was wondering if I could have a word with you? - Maybe this'll change your mind.
I got $200 here.
- Two hundred dollars? - They do use money on you planet, don't they? - I don't have any money on me at the moment, um [All Chattering.]
[Chattering Continues.]
- Cabin 14! - It doesn't say that.
[Grunts.]
You're good.
Haven't worked out a day in my life.
You know why? Security cameras.
225.
His name is Chasen.
He's over at Cabin 14.
[Dirk.]
Come on.
There he is.
Let's go! [Delivery Boy.]
Hey, slow down! [Dirk.]
Come on! Mr.
Monk, what are you doing? [St.
Clare.]
I say, Mr.
Monk! [Delivery Boy.]
Don't let him get away! [Dirk.]
We got him! [St.
Clare.]
Mr.
Monk! [Dirk.]
Get back here! [Delivery Boy.]
Gotta go to the gym.
[Monk.]
Excuse me.
[Natalie Whimpers.]
Excuse me.
Get outta my way! Hello, Mr.
Chasen! [Panting.]
Hi.
Is this your necklace? We found it in a museum.
Okay! Where's the diamond? Hey! Hey, I'm talkin' to you! Wow, that's a really deep trance.
Couldn't be deeper.
This man's dead.
Welcome back, Miss Mandeville.
Have a seat.
[Clears Throat.]
You know the drill.
I don't like this room.
Please, Miss Mandeville.
You said you had something important to tell me something about a dead body.
And you said you didn't wanna talk in my office.
I told you I'm claustrophobic.
What about another room? All our interrogation rooms are the same size, unfortunately: No wet bars, noJacuzzis Please, just have a seat.
Now, you said you found a body your roommate's body.
This, um This is a real thing, right? Not like, uh, stealin' the pen from the bank? Okay, good.
Tell me about it.
[Switch Clicks.]
This is, uh, Lieutenant Disher.
I'm in Interrogation Room "D" talking with Jennie Mandeville again.
So, let's start from the beginning.
What was your roommate's name? Tony.
Tony? Tony what? I don't know.
You don't know.
Male or female? I think male.
You're not sure? To tell you the truth, I just brought him home the day before.
Okay, um, let's move on.
So, um, you came home.
You found Tony, and you what, disposed of the body yourself? You realize that's a federal offense? I couldn't take it, okay? I couldn't just stand there looking at it.
Jennie, what did you do with the body? I flushed it down the toilet.
- Was Tony a goldfish? - A hamster.
A hamster.
Okay.
[Stottlemeyer.]
Here's the coroner's report.
Victim's name: Danny Chasen.
It's probably an alias.
Victim was poisoned.
Somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.
Was he part of the heist? Looks like it.
They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum.
They match the body.
Okay, what about the diamond? Still missing in action.
It wasn't on him or in the cabin.
We know he had a partner somebody who works at the museum.
It's probably still with him.
Uh, w-wait, wait.
So, the reward's still good, right? I mean no one's claimed it.
Yes.
As far as I know, the offer is still good.
Ka-ching.
[Groans.]
Can you make her stop saying that? This is no longer a parlor game.
A man is dead.
This is a homicide investigation now, which means nobody is to withhold any information from anybody.
What? You're lookin' at me? Yes, I am, Miss Teeger.
[Scoffs.]
Did you write these? Don't deny it.
I know it was you! "How are things down under? Hint, hint.
" "Monk was right.
You should clean under the table.
" You don't fool me for a second.
"It goes without saying don't forget to throw away these little Post-its too.
" Captain, she never cleans under the table.
You are not the boss of me! I think I am.
What makes you think you're the boss of me? If I was the boss of you, you'd be fired! Why do you think Whoa! Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! No! Hey, separate, both of you.
Monk, over there.
Gladys, can I have a word with you, please? Look.
Gladys, he's Monk.
Try to ignore him.
Can you ignore him? No, I can't.
Just do the best you can.
[Jennie.]
So you're not gonna arrest me? No, not this time, miss.
But next time you feel like confessing something, you might wanna call a priest.
Will you, uh, escort Miss Mandeville out? No problem.
[Whistles.]
Who's she? Loony tune of the month.
Her name's, uh, Jennie Mandeville.
She keeps coming in here and confessing to stuff.
What was it this time? She comes in, same as yesterday she says she accidentally killed her roommate.
So I take her into the back room, and I turned on the tape recorder.
Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
[Chuckles.]
She didn't look unstable.
They never do.
Okay, can we get back to work now? The missing diamond, remember? Ka-ching! "Ka-ching"? She is putting so much pressure on me.
She's obsessed with this million dollar reward obsessed.
All right.
Well, Adrian, she's worried about money.
Now, I know a lot of people are.
Not me.
When I was on the force, I used to hate cashing my paycheck.
I still do.
To me, police work is it's like a higher calling, like the priesthood.
But you know, Adrian, even priests have to get paid.
But i-it brings up an interesting question, something I would like to explore with you.
What would you do if you had a million dollars? Oh.
Well, uh, I guess I'd I'd hire you full-time and keep you on retainer, 24-7.
Maybe I'd buy you a house right next to mine, so I could just drop in anytime.
Heh.
This is fun.
What would you do with a million dollars? Buy an island a desert island in the middle of nowhere.
So, w-we would do our sessions o-over the phone? [Chuckles.]
Well, you see see, this island, in my mind no phone service.
I guess I'd have to buy a boat.
Well, see, that's funny, because the island in-in my fantasy no dock.
Well, may the best man win.
Excuse me! What are you doing? Did you see that? There There was someone out there.
I'm going to have to report this.
It's It's okay.
It's okay.
It's just another detective trying to find the diamond.
There's a whole bunch of them.
Yesterday they followed us down the coast to that big meditation center in Monterey.
Oh, I've been there.
It-It's just beautiful.
But this was years ago, when Jennie Mandeville was still alive.
Jennie Mandeville.
Jennie Mandeville.
Yeah, she owned the property.
There's this big plaque there with her name on it.
That's right.
I remember.
I saw it.
What? I just solved the case.
I think I know where that diamond is.
Ugh! I have to go.
We'll add 20 minutes on to my next session.
Ah, A-Adrian.
Adrian, I'm sorry.
I have a policy.
L-lf If you leave early, I have to charge you for the whole session.
[Groans.]
Yeah.
Mmm.
It's Uh Okay.
[Chuckles.]
O-kay.
O-kay? Okay.
[Bell Clanging.]
Natalie! Natalie, I did it.
I solved the case! I know where the diamond is! What? So where is it? It's at the police station.
It's been there the whole time! It's been right under our nose.
Oh, my God.
Who would do that to my car? [Whispers.]
Oh, my God.
Natalie, they're listening.
What? [No Audible Dialogue.]
[Loudly.]
What I meant was, I didn't solve the case.
I wish I had.
I'm completely stumped.
What are you talking about? No.
Wait.
What I really meant was, I did solve the case.
The diamond is in the Philippines.
We gotta go to the airport, fly to the Philippines.
Well, if we're gonna run, just run.
Run! [St.
Clare.]
Monk! Mr.
Monk! Come on! [Muttering.]
Hey! I'm watchin' you! Mr.
Monk.
Mr.
Monk! [Dirk.]
Move, you little runt! Here! Here! Here! They ran down that alley.
Get outta the way.
[St.
Clare.]
I say, Mr.
Monk! [Delivery Boy.]
Slow down! [Dirk.]
Hey, stop! [Monk.]
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, Counting, Panting.]
[Delivery Boy.]
I can't believe this guy.
I say, Mr.
Monk.
Get outta the way! [Tires Screech.]
[St.
Clare.]
Can you see him? We lost him.
Wait.
[Panting.]
We've been following Monk.
We've been watching Monk.
Why don't we try thinking like Monk? Think like Monk.
Think like Monk.
Think like Monk.
Think like Monk.
Think like Monk.
Think like Monk.
[Dirk.]
Gee! - [Delivery Boy.]
What are you doin'? - He went that way.
[Laughs.]
I think we lost 'em.
You keep saying that, but we never do.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Taxi! Taxi! Police headquarters, Vinton Street.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doin', chief? I'm with her.
You got to ride in the back.
That's the rule.
Ah, l-l-I'd prefer to sit up front.
It's one of my things.
It's true.
It's one of his things.
- Well, here's one of my things: Nobody rides in the front.
- I'm afraid it's not negotiable.
- Who's negotiatin'? That's it.
I'm outta here.
- No.
W-W-W-Wait, wait, wait.
- I'll give you, uh, 50 bucks if you let him ride up front.
- Why? What's he gonna do? Nothing.
Nothing.
He's got a cluster of, uh, compulsions and phobias that manifest themselves in a variety of you know? It's one of those things! He has things! - A hundred dollars.
- [Groans.]
- All right.
Seventy-two.
That's all I have.
- Welcome aboard.
Whoa.
Whoa, uh, wait.
This inspection sticker expired yesterday.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm takin' care of that tomorrow.
- It expired.
It's expired.
[Sighs, Quietly.]
Mr.
Monk, it's a million dollars.
Please get in the cab for me.
- It's expired.
- Well, forget about it.
Forget about it.
Give me back my money.
- No refunds.
Its one of my things.
- [Groans.]
[Delivery Boy.]
Monk! Oh, Mr.
Monk! Mr.
Monk! [St.
Clare.]
Now couldn't we, uh Couldn't we sort something out here? [Dirk.]
Monk! Where's Where's Where's [Both Panting Heavily.]
- [Monk.]
Di - [Natalie.]
Di Oh, Disher.
Yeah, yeah.
- L-I think he's in the observation room.
- [Monk.]
Come on.
Oh, all right, Gladys.
We're bein' followed.
Don't tell anybody you saw us! They locked the doors! It says "Push"! Get outta the way! That way.
Lieutenant! Lieutenant, remember the security guard that you arrested? [Disher.]
Yeah.
Where did you interrogate him? Right there Room "B.
" Ah! And the girl that kept confessing, Jennie Mandeville - Where did you take her? - Uh, Room "A" then Room "D.
" - So she was never in there? It's gotta still be in there.
It's in that room.
- What's in there? Monk, what's going on? - Tell you later.
- Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
You cannot come in here.
My two friends are American citizens.
They have a right to be here.
Myself, I am on a temporary visa which I hope to extend.
- Are they with you? - Only in the strictest, most terrible sense of the word.
- I heard you tell your shrink you solved the case.
- [Natalie.]
Excuse me.
Nobody's going anywhere not until we know what he knows.
[Key Clatters.]
All right, you just made a big mistake my friend.
I happen to be a police captain, and this is an unlawful imprisonment.
Book him.
You're under arrest.
Turn around.
[Disher.]
Fine.
Give me your hands.
- Do you have your cuffs? - In my office.
It's in there, isn't it? The diamond it's in that very room.
What? It is? Uh, no, uh Get the door! [All Clamoring.]
Shut up! Everybody, shut up.
Everybody but Monk.
Monk, what's goin' on? [Sighs.]
Okay, here's what happened.
The woman who founded the meditation center was named Jennie Mandeville.
- Who, the confessor? - No.
No, no, no.
The girl you met was not the realJennie Mandeville.
She got the name from a plaque she saw up at the retreat.
She needed a fake name.
Maybe she liked the sound of it.
- What was she doing up there? - She went there to kill Danny Chasen, the guy in the rolltop desk.
It was probably her boyfriend's idea.
Jewel thieves are like children.
They hate to share.
This is a very crowded room.
This is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very Monk, Monk, Monk, Monk, it's okay.
It's okay.
Who was her boyfriend? He was the security guard that Randy arrested.
He was thejewel thief.
He was the inside man.
The diamond was still in his pocket when you were talking to him.
[Disher.]
That's right.
We brought him here right from the museum.
[Monk.]
I remember before the interrogation he was chewing a big piece of gum.
But when I saw him after the interrogation, the gum was gone.
He must have panicked in that room.
You had him on the drug charges.
He knew he was about to be arrested which of course meant he'd be searched so he hid the rock right there under the table.
[Stottlemeyer.]
With his chewing gum! [Monk.]
People do it in restaurants all the time.
I've written letters to my congressman and to the editor.
What can I do? He telephoned his girlfriend from jail to tell her where he stashed the diamond.
And that's why she was coming in here confessing to everything.
And why she was always asking to switch rooms.
She was trying to get in there.
Oh oh, okay.
I changed my mind.
There's seven of us, and we're all adults.
- We'll just divide the money seven ways.
- No way.
We were here first.
It's only fair we divide the proceeds.
We have been working in tandem.
We've not been working in tandem.
You've been chasing us.
That's not tandem.
Excuse me, could I say one thing? You and you and you uh, you're breathing my air.
What about them? They're breathing your air, you're breathing his It's complicated.
Uh, but if these two dropped back, um Monk.
Monk, it's okay.
I'll call for help.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Gladys.
N-N-N-No.
Gladys! Gladys! [Dirk.]
No! Come on, lady! No! [All Clamoring, Muffled.]
Monk? Is that you? [Natalie.]
Go home! [Dirk.]
No, no, no! Come on.
Take the day off.
I told you to leave me alone.
Somebody barfed in the bathroom! [Clamoring.]
Hey! Hey! [Clamoring Continues, Muffled.]
[Natalie.]
There it is.
No! No! [Clamoring.]
Okay.
Fine.
Look.
- I'm gonna clean under the table just like you want, okay? - No! No! - Over! Clean over the table! - [Mouthing Words.]
[Quietly.]
I can't look.
Ka-ching.
Oh, God.
[Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
She came in again late last night, said she has something to confess to.
This time we got a real confession out of her.
Okay, listen to this: "Gladys Menchen, who was employed by a local cleaning service for the last 22 years, will be flown to London on a private jet to pick up her reward.
" [Laughs.]
"Miss Menchen found the stolen gem while cleaning under a table in an interrogation room.
" What? You're blaming me? Under a table.
Why would they even want it back? There's gum all over it.
I've got some good news sort of a consolation prize.
I talked to the commissioner.
He's gonna put you under contract.
Really? Put you on a retainer.
He has guaranteed you 16 homicides a year for the next two years.
[Monk.]
Sixteen a year? Well, what hap What about after that? Well, we'll have to take it one year at a time.
We'll see.