Mork and Mindy (1978) s04e13 Episode Script

Na-no, na-no.
Well, I guess that's all the time we have for today.
I'd like to thank my guests, Mary Snyder, the author of the best-seller I Bet You'll Ban Nuclear Energy After Your Hair and Teeth Fall Out, and also our local Rubik's Cube expert, Tommy Nesbitt.
Thank you, Tommy, it's been a wonderful week.
And as Wake Up, Boulder completes its first week on the air, I'd like to thank someone who exhibited a great deal of faith in this program and in my career, our general manager Miles Sternhagen.
And so this is Mindy McConnell signing off for now, wishing you blue skies and green lights.
Don't just sit there, shake hands.
Pretend you just heard something funny.
And we're out.
Well, it was nice of you to say all those things about Sternhagen.
I'm sure it'll be a real comfort to him.
Why? What's wrong? Is he sick? This show ought to be called Wake Up, Mindy.
- Sternhagen's out, he's been axed.
- You're kidding! No, we got us a new boss.
So you just polished the wrong guy's apple.
He's such a jerk.
I did it! Turn on the cameras! I'm finished! Yeah? You're not the only one.
All aboard for the McConnell Express, now leaving for Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga.
Oh, Pops, it's perfect in every detail.
Look at that.
Little people, little horses.
All you're missing is a robber baron and exploited Chinese labor going, "I got to get to San Francisco.
" Daddy, Daddy, can I be the engineer? Can I, can I, can I? Mearth Mearth, I think you just better watch me for a while so you can get the hang of it.
You know, I gave these trains to Mindy over 20 years ago, but she wasn't interested in any toy that didn't cry or wet or have a best friend named Midge.
You know something, Grandpops? That was a very moving, nostalgic speech.
Now, fork over the controls! Oh, no! What a bummer! Oh.
Hey, Mearth, it's okay.
Oh, Mearth, Mearth, it's all right.
It's just a few loose connections on the transformer.
It's old and it doesn't work very well.
You understand, son, like the Nielsen ratings.
Hi.
You'll never guess what happened.
- They fired Sternhagen.
- Hi, hon.
Big kiss.
Hold it! Come on now, fork over those controls! Put all the coal in the bag and start shoveling the money in the fire.
Stop that, Daddy! Stop it.
We're playing trains, and I'm brand-new to this.
You mustn't be a robber all the time and do that.
Come on, let me get used to playing with the train.
Come on now.
Come on, son, you had your chance and you blew it really big.
- Now, come on.
- Hey, is anybody listening to me? I mean, I think my career is more important than playing with trains.
Mind, the 5:15's coming down the line.
If no one throws the switch, Zeke's not gonna get his mail-order bride named Gilda.
Will you turn that thing off just for a minute? Uh, we're sorry, sweetheart.
You're absolutely right.
Tell us what happened.
Right, Mork? Of course.
I should be the dutiful husband.
Besides, Zeke sent her a phony picture anyway.
Mommy, I'd really like to help you, but my hands are tied because I have to experience this railroad stuff.
I understand, sweetheart.
Anyway, they fired Sternhagen.
They just tossed him out on his heel without a word.
Is there nothing sacred? First The Ropers, now Miles Sternhagen.
Mork.
See, Sternhagen hired me.
I mean, he gave me my shot at my own show.
Now I don't know what's gonna happen.
Oh, honey, you're very good.
What you do on your own is very good.
You'll be just fine without him.
Mearth, don't you tie that little family to the tracks! Oh, come on! Are you kidding, Grandpops? They're only rubber.
Oh, come here, my little breadwinner.
Come on.
You're upset.
You have to remember that the darkest is always about 3 a.
m.
Yeah, but, Mork, if you'd heard the plug I gave Sternhagen on the air today.
I don't know, if the new boss heard it, I could lose my job.
Oh, well, that could be a problem.
If you're out of work, I mean, who's gonna pay for the food, the rent, the bills, and those little smoke pellets for the engine over there? - All aboard! Head them up! - Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Good.
The way I see it, if you work hard and do a good job, - they'll always keep you around.
- Oh, yeah, you're right.
I'm really not that worried.
How's my hair? Do I have on too much lip gloss? - No, you look fine.
- Okay.
Mindy, what are you so uptight about? So this guy Pierson is a hotshot with a published thesis on programming.
He's barely out of college.
And besides, I'm safe in sportscasting.
There's always a stink when they fire a minority.
Oh, I'm really not that insecure.
I mean, after all, Boulder does have to wake up in the morning, right? But not with you.
Ahem.
Here comes our new boss.
The one wearing the retainer.
That's Pierson? He looks more like the general manager of a McDonald's.
- I think he's kind of cute.
- Who cares? You know how I've lasted so long? I've always kept my self-respect.
Never kowtowed to any of them.
Excuse me.
How do you do there, Mr.
Pierson? Jake Loomis, cameraman.
- Pleasure.
- Yeah, nice suit there.
You know, I've been with the station for 29 years now.
I've got all the inside dirt on everybody.
Jake, in all the world there's nothing sadder than an old fink.
- You're fired.
- Oh, fine, great.
Well, let me tell you.
You're gonna meet the same people on your way down as you did on your way up! Sonny! Poor Jake.
I feel sorry for him.
- And I don't even like him.
- Yeah, me too.
I wonder if I can get his parking space.
May I have your attention, please? Thank you.
I am Daniel Pierson, your new general manager.
Now, first of all, I would like to put an end to the rumor that people are going to be fired.
That is not a rumor.
That is a fact.
Tonight, I am planning an informal but mandatory get-together here at the station, to share some of my ideas and get to know your families better.
So I want to make KTNS the place to be.
At least, for some of us.
Well, let's all try to keep in touch, okay? - Sure, Mindy.
- Yeah.
Mr.
Pierson.
Stan Jackson, sports at 6 and 10.
- Pleasure.
- Ooh, hey.
Wow.
What a grip you got there.
You know, you'd look great in a Broncos jacket.
Oh, there's something I'd like to remind you of, I'm black.
Hi, I'm Judi, your weather person.
I'd like to welcome you with a big KTNS warm front.
Heh.
How sweet.
Heh.
She's very sweet.
There's more where that came from.
Mind.
Mind, Mind, am I glad I caught up with you, hon.
Hon, I've got an important telegram from a major news network in New York.
- Mork, don't do this to me.
- Read it, hon? I have to sing it! Five, six, seven, eight.
We're looking for a newscaster One who speaks quite well And who doesn't wear a toupee Like Howard Cosell And if you've been through college Please join our team Signed Roone Arledge Mindy, is your parking space any closer than Jake's? Mr.
Pierson, that was just a little joke.
I'm Mindy McConnell, employee, for now.
Ha-ha.
This is my husband Mork.
He was just kidding around.
He's a little nervous about my job.
- Ha-ha-ha-ha.
- Oh, Mindy, please, don't apologize.
I want you to know that I appreciate family concern.
Well, just this morning my mom called me to make sure that I had dressed warm.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Oh, ha-ha.
Well, Oedipus schmedipus, Mindy really loves mama's boys.
Oh, Mindy, I just love his sense of humor.
You be sure to bring him to the party tonight.
I bet he can give me a couple of pointers - on where young people are at.
- Oh, I will.
- For sure.
- I will.
Don't you have to be leaving now, honey? - No.
- Think again.
You're right.
I should go home and wait by the phone for those calls that are gonna come pouring in, babe.
Sweetheart, I'm gonna do for you what Alan Hamel did for Suzanne Sommers.
I think you already did.
- Well, you tell a friend.
- Heh.
Oh, no! No! The train is stopped! You bad engineer.
Daddy, come in here, please, and make it work.
Please.
Oh, what's wrong, son? Oh, where's that happy face I know so well? "Where's that happy face I know so well?" If you wanna see a happy face, go see Annie.
If you wanna see my face, see this.
- Oh, little bulldog boy, no! - Aargh.
Come on now, I'll fix the trains and I'll make them run better than Mussolini ever did, now come on.
Just tighten this little doohickey here, this little doohickey there.
Ha-ha! And voilà, it's fixed! Mr.
Goodwrench, move over.
All right, now You know something, Daddy? You're truly a superior being.
Oh, shucks, son.
Let's play this one together.
Ready? - Daddy? - Yes, son? Why am I talking to you and looking at me? Holy shazbot! Wait, don't panic.
There's an explanation for this.
There's always an explanation for everything.
The only thing I can't explain is this.
Why is it that Bob Hope is still doing commercials? Everything was fine until Don't do that.
- Hey, Mork, are you there? - I'll go.
Can you open the door? My hands are full.
It's your mother.
Now, try to relax.
Relax and pretend nothing happened, you understand? It'll put her uptight, so just relax and just - No, no.
No, no, no! - Cut, cut! No! Stop it! What's going on here? Little pooter.
Mind, Mind, Mind.
Big kiss, big kiss.
- What did you say, Mearth? - I didn't say anything, Mommy.
Oh, you stoolie.
Crossed minds.
I got a little taller, huh? Right? Did I do good? Why me? You transferred minds through a train set? This is like a bad horror movie, only I'm married to the mad scientist.
Mind, wrong body.
I'm over here.
Oh, right.
- Um, well, how long is this gonna last? - I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe 24 hours, We gotta get to that party where they have little crackers.
Let's go.
- Mearth, look - Yes, Mommy.
Um Mearth, go upstairs to your bedroom while your father and I have a little talk.
Oh.
So that's the way it is.
He's in and I'm out.
You've asked for it once again, Butchie returns.
I'll tell you something, son, once and for all.
Don't do that.
Your face will freeze.
No! No.
Who cares? Who cares anyway? It's not my body.
Ooh, you're a joke! I'm hip.
- Okay, okay, Mind.
- Mork, sit down.
I'm ready, ready, kay-o.
Kay-o, kay-o.
Going to the party.
It's late, and we ought to get to the party - as soon as we can, that's all.
- Go to the party? Mork, I can't take you to the party with that face.
Little pooter.
Mind, Mind, Mind.
About this face, I wanna make something clear, just as clear as your complexion.
Okay? Chances are the boss is gonna come over to look at Mork, right? Then take my body, please.
My job is hanging by a thread as it is.
I can't take Mearth to the party.
He's just a child.
That's true, but I'll tell you something.
He's half a superior being, remember that? He'll be almost as good as I would have been.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Call this a party? Where's the cake and the little party hats and the pushy father with the camera going, "Stay by the bull, stay by the bull"? No! Mork Mearth.
Mearth, remember, my job is at stake.
Now remember our agreement.
If you're a good boy and you don't embarrass Mommy, then I'll give you that note to get out of gym.
- I'll try and act like an adult, Mommy.
- Okay.
Good boy.
I think Mommy should do all the talking, so shh.
Jake.
Well, I'm glad to see you're back.
Stuffed mushroom, Mindy? Boy, are you older than dirt.
Give me a break.
Ain't I had enough for one day? Uh, no, thank you, but I'm glad to see you're working again.
Yeah, well, this is just temporary.
I'm gonna ask Pierson for my job back tonight.
If he says no, I'm gonna kill him.
Good evening, everyone! Hey, thanks for coming.
And now, I would like to introduce you to the future of KTNS.
Ju Ju.
Now, this is our morning schedule.
You will notice that the only major change is the removal of Wake Up, Boulder and Kartoon Karnival in place of our morning movie.
So, Mindy, Skipper Bill, you're out.
Don't worry, Mindy, he's dead.
Now, I am planning a powerhouse opening for the new season.
To kick off the Monday movie, you can look forward to Ben Gazzara week.
So let's all pull together and make KTNS the biggest little independent station in Boulder.
Mr.
Pierson, I think you've made a mistake.
And I'm not just saying this because I am the host of the show, but I really believe that Wake Up, Boulder is an important, vital program and really performs a service to this community.
Look, Mindy, it's essential that you know that what I've done has nothing to do with you personally.
- It is strict economics.
- Well - You know, I like the Road Runner.
- Excuse me? - Not now, not now.
- No, no, Mindy, let him talk.
I like to hear what the general public has to say.
Oh, maybe not.
Heh.
Well, I like the way the Road Runner goes beep-beep.
And then I go beep-beep.
Are you saying that a grown man like yourself watches cartoons every morning? Yes, I've seen Popeye 14 times.
And if you run it backwards, it has an ending.
But, you know basically, what I really like is, like, when the coyote paints a tunnel on the side of a mountain and then the Road Runner just goes, vroom, right through the tunnel and then when the coyote tries to go through, vroom, boom, he becomes two-dimensional.
I think I think what Mork is trying to say is that he appreciates an altered sense of reality.
You know, something that contrasts the drabness of everyday life.
I knew that.
However, Mindy, I want you to know that my morning movie will accomplish the very same thing.
Bummer, this is not real.
What does he mean by that? You don't know? Well, heh, of course I know.
It's just a simple, um, metaphorical approach to saying that movies can only simulate reality, while cartoons, by virtue of their being so totally unreal, create their own level of reality, so therefore, ergo, it only follows that all that which is real is that which is completely unreal.
Oh, I think I touched on that in my thesis.
Oh, those are real.
Oh, that's brilliant! Reality is direct personal experience.
Oh, Mindy, I had no idea that your husband was so perceptive about our medium.
Neither did I.
Heh.
I want more, though.
I'm still hungry.
- Mm.
Of course, you're still hungry.
- Unfulfilled.
- Mm, unfulfilled.
- You got it.
You are still hungry because TV menus are limited these days, which is why people are hungry for knowledge and the exchange of ideas.
Right, Mindy? Right.
Right.
And it's up to our programming to be able to relay to the public information that will help feed that hunger.
Like a talk show! - What a great idea.
Hm-hm.
Yes, something really different.
I will call it Wake No, I will call it I will call it Stop Sleeping, Boulder.
Finally, something good.
Oh, it is, isn't it? Gosh, I love this business.
Well, now, all I need is the perfect host to make it work.
Oh.
Oh, look, pretty, right under my nose.
Right again, Mork.
What we need is someone who can exude intelligence, warmth and grace.
- Mindy? - Yes.
- Until we find somebody, you're it.
- Oh, thank you.
Sure.
Well, I've just created my first show.
Ha-ha.
Gosh, now I know how God and Norman Lear felt.
- Mearth? - Mm? You are an amazing little boy.
You got Mommy back her job.
At least temporarily.
- I'm very proud of you, sweetheart.
- Thank you, Mommy.
But can we go home right now? Daddy's shorts are really riding up on me.
I'm talking major snuggy here.
Come on.
Okay.
Fire one.
Now, Mearth I mean Mork, are you sure this reverse energy process will work? Well, as they say in French: - Maybe.
- Well, now, let's just keep a positive attitude.
I mean, it always worked in Frankenstein.
Honey, I know this hasn't been easy for you, - but at least you got your show back.
- Yeah, that's true.
Actually, Pierson turned out not to be such a bad kid after all.
He even gave Jake his job back, after the bomb squad left.
I was glad to use your body.
I'm sorry I didn't wash it before I gave it back to you.
Well, here goes.
Oh, great, Dad! Great.
You should work for the Defense Department.
Oh, no, no, no.
Look, you just You forgot to plug it in.
Oh.
- Oh.
Little pooter, I'm back.
- Oh.
Come here.
Mm.
Oh Well, everything is back to normal again.
I'm certainly happy for you kids.
I guess I'd better get Get off to rehearsal.
Major bummer.
This is worse.
Now I'm bald.
Look out.
Here comes the face.
Mind, now come on, don't worry.
We'll switch them back, and after that, maybe you and I can switch.
I've always wanted to be whistled at by construction workers.
Oh!