My Family (2000) s04e13 Episode Script

(Glass smashing) What the hell was that? Erm, if I said it was nothing, would you believe me? Michael! OK, it was for my science project on organic foods.
You fired a rocket through a window? Am I so stupid I'd launch a rocket through our living room window? It was a sausage.
Michael, you could have killed someone! It was an organic sausage.
That's it.
You're grounded.
- Grounded? - You could have blinded someone.
Don't be silly.
It exploded before it hit anything.
Did Nick put you up to this? Actually, we had been planning to start a high-speed food delivery service.
You're not gonna believe this! I was getting off the bus when it started raining sausage.
I have prayed for this day.
See? Our first satisfied customer.
- Bruno, open your mouth.
- No! Bruno, open your mouth, please.
It won't hurt.
Yeah, right.
Mr Harper, your next patient's been waiting for 20 minutes and the Jessop twins are early.
And they're hitting me with back issues of Punch.
Well, hit them back.
- Come on.
- Can I help? - No! - Want me to hold the suction tube? - No.
- Feed the fish? - Leave the room.
- I've no reason.
My patient's gone home.
He felt a bit poorly.
Mine will be leaving on a stretcher if he doesn't open his mouth.
Right, got ya, you little monkey.
Ah-ha-ha! Let go.
All right.
OK.
You can help, actually.
You can take over for the afternoon.
- You know me.
Always willing.
- Bruno needs some teeth pulling out! One thing, Ben.
How would this work out, moneywise? Ah, I'd get 100% and you'd get - nothing.
- It's a deal! - Ah-ha-ha-ha.
- What are you going to do with that? Break into my piggy bank.
How conventional.
From you, I expected a ski mask and a getaway car.
And that's exactly what Piggy'll be expecting.
Of course, I don't have to smash up dear Piggy if you lend me some money for my new business.
Nick, I'm still recovering from your old business.
You owe me money.
What? You shut down the research and development arm of my home delivery business.
I've got a garage full of sausages waiting for liftoff.
You were such a cute little baby.
Hey, I can't survive on my looks forever.
So I've written up a business plan.
"Get rich.
" Is that it? Some people are never satisfied.
Rich, Mum.
I'll be rich.
Home! - Dad - No.
Fair enough.
You're home early and you're smiling.
What's wrong? Susan, do you know the secret of good leadership? - I'm not explaining it to you again.
- Mwah! - Delegation.
- Ah.
- Poor Roger.
- No.
No, I'm excited and he's happy.
(Mimics Roger) In fact, he'll be as eager as a beaver.
- That is so brilliant.
- Thank you.
Because now I can delegate you to fix the window.
Why do I have to fix everything in this house? Oh, is there something else you'd rather be doing? No.
- (Knock) - Hide.
- Hi.
- Hello, dear.
Even though I think grounding you is completely justified in the circumstances I've cooked you a delicious clam flan to keep your spirits up.
Oh, great.
Thanks.
I'll save it for later, let it breathe.
- What's going on? - Erm, homework.
I didn't know you were taking GCSEs in cosmetics.
Eh? - Hello, Fiona! - Hello, Mrs Harper.
Goodbye, Mrs Harper.
Don't be a smartarse.
You must take responsibility for your actions.
How can I if you barge in before we get to any action? Fiona, you'll have to leave.
Michael's being punished.
- That's so unfair.
- That's why it's called punishment.
From the Latin, "tough bun".
Thank you, Abi.
Could you just tell Susan I'm popping down to the pub? Sure.
Susan, Ben's Not now.
Ten minutes' head start, OK? (Doorbell) Oh, Ben! Something terrible has happened! Yeah, it's still happening.
Let go.
No, you don't understand.
At the surgery.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, no.
No, Roger, you didn't take the kid's teeth out? I was joking.
No, no, I just received a call.
You know my patient, the one who felt a bit unwell? He's been admitted to hospital with Ortiz river fever.
I've had to have the surgery disinfected to stop the spread of the disease.
And I'm not to come into close contact with other people until I'm sure I'm not displaying any other symptoms.
And you came here to tell me this in person? It's not the kind of thing you can say over the phone.
This is exactly the kind of thing you can say over the phone! Oh, Susan Leave her alone, will you? You've exposed us all to whatsit river fever.
Not to mention other people you've met in the meantime.
No, I thought of that.
I wore my dental mask on the way over.
- River fever? - Ortiz river fever.
It's highly contagious.
It's from Peru.
- Good.
Well, take it back there.
Go on.
- No, Roger, stay.
Why are you wearing your coat? Erm Fixing the window.
Hole.
Draught.
Bit of a cold.
- I thought you were going to the pub.
- No.
- Right, no one's leaving the house.
- What? We need clean towels, TCP and plenty of hot water.
- Is somebody having a baby? - No.
Susan's having a cow.
I know.
We could scrub everybody clean.
- As a precaution.
- Susan, aren't you overreacting? - (Sneezes) - See? We're all quarantined until I've rung NHS Direct to find out what this is all about.
It's all about you stopping me going to the pub.
Oh, that's right.
Here's Ben.
And here's the rest of the world.
There are some things in life which have to do with humanity as a whole but since you can't go out, window? Any other jobs you want me to do, like paint a big red cross on the front door? - I'll be going now, Mrs Harper.
- No, stay there! - Don't come down.
We're all infected.
- What? Really.
Yup, in the cause of humanity you better go upstairs to your bedroom.
Go on, we don't want you catching Ortiz river fever.
- Ortiz river fever? - Yes! Wicked! Just trying to contain the disease.
I'm phoning the NHS.
Did you know that the span of your hand plus the length of your middle finger is the same as the length of your foot? Did you know that the distance between my hands and your neck is closer than you think? You know, one day, you're gonna crush my spirit.
I live in hope.
- Dad - Mm-hm? Could you get me and Fiona some ice cream? - I'm not your slave.
Get it yourself.
- Oh, I would but I don't want to go into the death zone.
I'm busy.
Go away.
- Why don't you use a tape measure? - I can't find the tape measure! Oh, it's in the kitchen drawer.
While you're at it, could you get me some ice cream? Gosh, Dad.
What would I do without you? Ya, I'd think about that if I were you.
Oh, I do.
Constantly.
- (Doorbell) - (Susan) Door! (Lisping) Coming, Master.
Hi, Dad.
Oh, and it gets better and better.
- What's that? - Hm? Oh, it's not a "that", Dad.
It's a she.
I'd like to introduce you to Pamela.
You could do better, you know.
- Meaning what? - I was talking to Pamela.
- Back.
- No, Dad, you can't turn us away.
She's pregnant.
- Remember the moral of the Nativity? - Remember the Crucifixion? I know you said you'd call back, but that was over an hour ago.
No, don't put me on hold.
No, no, no! (Knocking) All right, Mum? Mum, meet Pamela.
Pamela, Mum.
Good evening.
Pam's going to be the cornerstone of my new food empire.
- Are you going to serve snake? - (Scoffs) You are so short-termist, Mum.
Feed a man a snake and he is fed for a day but feed a man snake eggs and he's yours for life.
Plus, snakes are a real chick magnet, huh? That's nice, dear.
Ben bolt the doors! Susan Yes? My neck feels really stiff.
That's because you've been watching TV instead of fixing the window.
No, no, got a fever.
Deaf in one ear.
Must be infected.
Deafness is not a symptom of Ortiz river fever.
It is with me.
- You don't even know the symptoms.
- Susan, please, I'm a dentist.
Oh, that's right.
OK, go on.
Name another symptom.
Oh, I can't stand the brightness.
- That's definitely another symptom.
- Yes, of rabies.
- I've got rabies too.
- That explains a lot.
Doesn't explain the itching kidneys.
You're faking symptoms to avoid fixing the window.
You're making up this quarantine to make me.
- I didn't make it up.
- And so I'm ill.
Give it up, Ben.
I'm a chess player and I'm three moves ahead of you.
I'm playing Scrabble.
Do you really think you're going to win this argument? - Yup.
- Then you really must be feverish.
That's what I said.
I could be dead within the hour.
Then you better fix the window now.
All right! All right, but you'll be sorry! All of you! (Breathing heavily) - (Hiccup) - Oh, no! - My worst fears have been confirmed.
- Sorry? I'm the one who should be sorry.
I've infected you.
Really? I didn't even feel it.
That's just like you.
Courage in adversity.
Neither.
Art school.
Oh Rose, thou art sick! The invisible worm that flies in the night in the howling storm Has found out thy bed Of crimson joy And his dark secret love does thy life destroy.
I didn't know worms could fly! No, Abi.
The worm is a metaphor for the tiny living thing that's growing inside us both.
Beautiful, yet tragic.
Oh, I get it.
You've got worms.
(Smashing) Right, that is it! The only way to really combat bacterial contagion is through fire.
High temperatures destroy the germs.
Michael, you're so clever.
I know.
We should burn our clothes to eliminate the spread of disease.
In the name of science? In the name of anything! - (Knock) - (Susan) I'm still here, so stop it.
Listen, you penny-pushing phone jockey.
I'm not taking a tone with you! I've been stuck inside all day with a hypochondriac, a lovesick puppy and two horny teenagers.
Could you just tell me how long we have to I know you have other calls, but this is an emergency.
I don't care if it's your tea break.
I Oh, my God! Out, out, out! Aaah! Ohhh! It's the flying worm! (Ben) I could be dead in an hour.
(Susan) Then fix the window now.
(Abi) One day, you're going to crush my spirit.
- (Michael) What would I do without you? - Think about that.
(Michael) Oh, I do, constantly.
(Nick) Hello, Dad.
- Don't jump! - What? - Nothing's that bad.
- Get off me! - Aaaargh! - (Splashing) (Ben) Oh! Oh! Oh, dear.
It's a good job I came along when I did.
Really? Didn't I look miserable enough? It's OK.
You don't have to thank me.
No, I was thinking more along the lines of suing you.
Your name really is Ben Harper.
Yes, I've told you it was.
Ah, but you can never be too sure, not with attempted suicides.
How many times do I have to tell you, I didn't try and kill myself? Though I might as well be dead for all the sympathy I get.
Oh, come now, Mr Harper.
Once you've warmed up, you'll be as good as new.
I wasn't even good new.
I was never good.
I was always the same failure as you see here.
- Only drier.
- You're not a failure.
How do you know? You've only just met me.
All I wanted was to be a normal bloke.
Hm! Yup, the only sport I can play is badminton.
I had a midlife crisis and bought a Volvo.
I couldn't install a pane of glass without it falling out.
I'm a failure, all right.
A cold, wet, miserable, unloved failure, with a fever and an earache.
You're really unloved? No family? Well, of course I've got a family.
How else would I know I'm unloved? They're oblivious to my misery.
Oh, come now, they're not oblivious to your misery.
Maybe they just don't like you.
Well, I wouldn't blame them actually.
I make their lives miserable with my complaining and the black cloud I carry around with me like a - black cloud.
- Is this your family? Probably the photo that came with the wallet.
Lovely woman.
Two young lads.
And a girl.
When did Susan put that in there? Why can't she just leave things be? They look crazy.
Yep.
All my fault.
Yep, they'd have been better off if I'd never been born.
Don't ever say that! Why not? It's true.
Really? Had you ever thought what their lives would be like without you? I prefer to think what mine would be like without them.
Well, maybe you should think about it.
Really think about it.
Well, at least the window has been fixed.
Nice job, actually.
It's Michael.
Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! - You belt up.
- What? You mean they can hear us? No, but I can.
Has your father come home yet? No.
Then we'll eat without him.
I've made my delicious turnip teriyaki.
Go and call your brother.
Nick! Brace yourself! She's made turnip teriyaki for someone else? Well, at least there's an upside.
- (Door closing) - (Man) I'm home! - I need a drink.
- Fine, thanks.
And how was your day? I tell you, Susan, I should never have become a chiropodist.
Touching all those smelly feet.
Oh Did you wash your hands? I mean it, Susan.
Things couldn't be worse.
Oh, Len, look on the bright side.
- At least you're not a dentist.
- No.
My God! Couldn't she have done better than that? My God, I look rough tonight.
By the way, the Prescotts have invited us for dinner.
- I hate the Prescotts.
- The Prescotts hate you.
It'll be fun.
- Michael, Michael, Michael! - The name's Mikey.
Good evening, Mater.
Pater.
- You look lovely, dear.
- Yes, Mother.
I'm all set for my new job.
As a croupier! Come on, Dad.
Can you lend me a fiver? - I can, I won't.
- Aw, come on.
I'll pay you back.
With this new job, I will be raking it in.
Trust me.
No-o.
Last time you said, "trust me", I couldn't sit down for three days.
- Why can't you support him? - I have, his whole life.
- You're so tight.
- And smelly.
- Come on, I'll pay you back.
- No, you won't.
Go on, Len, give him the money.
He's your only son.
(Michael) Hey, what about me? (Susan) Oops.
Are you all right? I don't know.
I just had an epiphany.
What? In my shed? I've just seen what my family's life would be like had I never been born.
They'd be no different.
No difference at all.
I've had no effect on anything.
Wow.
That's depressing.
No, it's not.
It's wonderful.
Don't you see? They're the crazy ones.
I'm off the hook.
What's your I don't believe I don't know this.
What's your name? Clarence.
No? That's weird.
I never liked it either.
I always see myself as more of a Todd.
No, hang on a minute.
My ear's better.
It's like that film, you know.
- The film - Reservoir Dogs.
The one Susan makes me watch at Christmas, with James Stewart.
- Vertigo! - No, the other one.
- The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.
- It doesn't matter.
- The Glenn Miller Story! - It doesn't matter! I've got to go home.
Yeah.
I'm going home.
How can I ever thank you, Clarence? Well, there's an Oddbins just round the corner.
- Hey, that's my blanket! - (Bell) And every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.
- (Bicycle bell) - Stupid man! Watch where you're going! Is it time? Are your eggs coming? OK.
Remember our breathing exercises.
It's OK.
Calm down, Pamela.
Daddy's here.
Daddy's here.
I can't find the hole! There's no such thing as Ortiz river fever? There must be.
It's an infectious disease from the jungles of Peru that Why are you laughing? I see.
I said I see! - Roger? - Hm? Did the hospital say it was Ortiz river fever? Er, not exactly.
My patient did.
But he was calling from the hospital.
Oh? Which hospital? He didn't really say.
Because he wasn't in hospital.
He made up Ortiz river fever to skip his appointment.
- There is no such disease! - No! But there must be.
There was Peruvian music playing in the background.
The Lando.
It was very catchy.
Quarantine's over.
Goodbye, Roger.
I was just about to get my brown cheese.
Too bad.
We're all free to go.
- I don't understand.
Susan, you can't.
- I just did.
I was just about to tell her something, something important.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- What? - Go on.
- Just blurt it out? Yes, blurt.
All right.
I will.
Abi It was actually beekeeping that tempted Sherlock Holmes into retirement.
Really? Roger, go home.
Glad I got that off my chest.
Ha! Very good, Michael.
That's an impressive act but it doesn't fool me.
(Chuckling) - We're working.
- Working your mojo? - What? - No, we really are doing our homework.
Fiona, dear, you're a sweet girl, but I am a wise old fox.
You may not know me well, but I am no sucker.
Nobody takes me for a fool.
Oh so you finally worked out there is no Ortiz river, or fever? Ah.
But there is a Peru.
Yeah, whatever.
Anyway it's all under control.
You're all free to go.
Especially Fiona.
Susan! - Susan! - Yes? I'm back.
- I didn't know you'd gone.
- I know.
Isn't it wonderful? Mwah! - You're wet.
- Yeah, I know.
Phew! It's an incredible story.
Really? Is it the tale of the poor little window that never got mended? Tonight I had a vision.
Ah.
It's the tale of the sneaky husband who crept out and got drunk.
You're not getting this, are you? (Doorbell) Mum Dad you're grandparents again.
Pamela finally gave birth.
It's a boy.
And a girl.
And a boy.
Boy.
Girl, girl, boy, girl.
Wanna see? Ooh.
I think one just went down my pants.
Sorry, quarantine.
Quarantine, huh? OK.
How about a little bit of isolation? I'll fix the window after.
May I recommend some physical therapy? OK, but I might have to give you an injection.
- OK, but nil by mouth.
- Great.
Sorry, you must be looking for the geriatric ward.
- Coffee? - (Ping) Did you hear that? A bell.
Do you know what that means? (Abi) Porridge is ready! - Go back to bed.
I'll bring your coffee.
- No, it'll be my pleasure.
You have been in a good mood these past few days.
Something's changed.
And I don't know what it is.
We're in.