Parks and Recreation s04e13 Episode Script

I will institute a reduction in taxes For the small-business owner as well as a 7% surcharge on all nonlocal business-related development.
Together we will build a better pawnee.
So what we're looking for here are your overall impressions of this candidate.
What do you like about her? What don't you like about her? Her ideas, her voice, her clothes probably.
Well, my campaign has a little momentum, so we're trying to capitalize on that by doing a focus group.
Some things are very helpful.
Other things are not so helpful.
All the things make me feel a lot of feelings about myself.
She's kinda short, don't you think? Aggressively short almost.
It's like she's throwing it in my face.
Insightful.
You, sir, said you would not vote for her, correct? Yeah.
Yeah, she seems a little uptight.
She doesn't seem like the kind of person you could go bowling with, you know? What? That's ridiculous.
I am excellent at bowling.
Ask Ron.
Leslie, I know it's tough to hear these things, but just try not to get obsessed over one comment.
You're totally right.
I'm not obsessing.
Okay, what are you doing? I'm just reminding myself to tell Ron to tell you how good I am at bowling.
All right.
I actually thought that she was smart, and I'd vote for her.
There you go.
Although I once knew a Leslie, and, uh, she was just awful.
So now I hate all Leslies.
Would she consider changing her name? Okay, here we go.
a strong command of the issues.
That is good, but only 33% said that they would consider voting for you.
Mm, yeah, that's really interesting stuff.
Why did that guy say that he wouldn't want to go bowling with me? You really have to let that go.
I've never been very good at letting things go.
I can't tell you how many times a fun tug-of-war with a dog over a chew toy turned contentious.
One of us always ends up mad.
I did some research too about the guy who said the thing about me and bowling, and his name is Derek.
Oh, my God.
And get this he's not even that good of a bowler.
His average is 132, according to the most recent available data.
Leslie, that comment wasn't really about whether you're good at bowling - which I am.
Ask Ron.
- Which we all know you are.
But some people have the impression that you're a little elitist or intellectual or something.
That is so sexist.
It's just because I'm a woman.
Would they deign to say such things to Woodrow Wilson or Benjamin Disraeli okay, I see what you're talking about.
See, a lot of people don't vote with their brains.
They vote with their guts.
I know you're fun, and you can have a good time.
The public needs to see that.
Well, then maybe the campaign should host a bowling night.
- Hmm.
- It would be laid-back.
Everyone having fun, great photo op.
That could actually work.
Also I'm really good at bowling.
No, I don't think I believe you.
Is there anyone I can ask? Yeah.
Ask Ron.
Oh, okay.
You're kidding.
All right, it is time for the 12th Leslie Knope Fundraising Phone Bank.
Is everybody feeling good? Oh, I don't know, Jerry.
It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls to strangers, and you're in my house.
My life couldn't be worse.
Hey! Let's get this phone party started.
- No.
- Sorry I'm late, guys.
I know this kind of thing can be a grind, but Ben said that this is the most important thing we can do to help Leslie.
So tonight is going to be fun.
You're probably thinking, how could it possibly be fun? - No one's thinking that.
- I kinda was.
I was not.
Why are we laughing? Well, anyway, tonight we are gonna spice things up with a little competition.
Whoever raises the most money by the end of the night will win two free movie passes to the pawnee mono-plex.
You really think that's gonna motivate people oh, my God.
I could use that for a romantic night with Millicent Gergich.
Out of my way, suckers.
As city manager, I play no favorites.
But as a private citizen, I am free to support whomever I choose, and I choose to support team Knope 'cause they're the best.
Everybody's the best.
We're all winners.
- Do I look laid-back? - You look like you're trying to look laid-back.
How about now? I think just maybe just stand how you would normally stand.
Okay.
I forget now.
Hey, Ron.
Thanks for coming, man.
Of course.
This bowling alley has my favorite restaurant in pawnee.
Really? You're not scared to eat here? When I eat, it is the food that is scared.
Why are you sitting weird? - Damn it.
- Who's ready to bowl so hard? Tommy's new bowling swag.
You know what? When you do it, you really do it.
Good for you, man.
Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Leslie Knope, who is running for city council.
Is this Deirdre Splatterfork? That is literally the most beautiful name I have ever heard.
No, I don't think we can accept donations over $50.
I don't really know why you would need my social security number, but well, yeah, no.
You're right.
I guess it couldn't hurt to give it to you.
It's 210 absolutely nothing.
What are you wearing? Fine, if you don't wanna donate, then don't.
Oh, by the way I'm calling from inside your house.
- Ha ha! $100.
- Whoa.
This is unbelievable.
I cannot be stopped.
I don't care about that prize, but I'm gonna win because I want his happiness to go away.
Type in "T Rex" for me.
No, no, no.
Um, "t-boz.
" Wait, wait.
"Tommy Tsunami.
" No, "ticky ticky Tom-Tom.
" No, "fly guy.
" I wrote "tom.
" Classic.
Timeless.
I love it.
"Girl"? I saw your ad from when you were a kid, but it's nice to have a beer and get to know you.
Aw, thanks, rich.
Oh, here.
Smile.
Maybe you'll get your picture the pawnee journal.
Hey, this is going really well.
Pretty decent turnout.
Yeah, you know, I feel very, you know, casual, relaxed.
Hey, is that the guy from the from the focus group? Huh.
I don't know.
- I think it is.
- Is it? Excuse me, sir, would you mind telling me how you heard about the event tonight? Oh, uh, I got a weird invitation in the mail.
I didn't realize we were sending out invitations.
Oh.
Hey, you're that girl from the focus group thing I did.
Oh, I wouldn't know.
I'm never on the other side of the glass with those things.
Can I talk to you for a sec? Yep.
Straight down the middle.
No hook, no spin, no fuss.
Anything more and this becomes figure skating.
Come on, big girl.
Let's knock these little pins down.
Oh, my God, are you serious? Son, people can see you.
Boom! That right there Tommy's strike.
Leslie, what happened to the big picture? I'm thinking about the big picture.
I'm trying to make the picture bigger by including this guy in it.
I can't do anything about my gender or my height, but I can win that guy over with a fun round of bowling.
We need everyone here to see a different side of Leslie Knope, not one specific person.
Some people just aren't gonna like you.
Let it go.
Okay, I hear you.
I'll treat him just like everybody else.
I'll just say hi to him, shake his hand, buy a him a few beers, share a few laughs, bowl a few frames, lose intentionally to make him feel good, friend him on Facebook.
And by the end of the night, he will be mine.
Whoa, "thar" she bowls.
I'm Leslie Knope.
You wanna bowl? You wanna bowl together? You wanna be, like, bowl buddies? Sure.
Great, just a casual game, you know? No biggie.
You okay? My sister has scoliosis, and I think you might, you know Oh, no.
No, I'm just I'm just being cas.
What are you rocking? A 15 pounder? - 16.
- Whoa, hey, good for you.
Oh, there they are.
I just ordered some wings for us.
You like wings? - Love them.
- Really? Who knew? I knew.
Damn it.
Why are you mad? You bowled a strike.
That's how I motivate myself, you know? Never good enough.
Let me get you a beer.
Cool.
These beers are as cold as the Tuktoyaktuk Winter Road.
You watch Ice Road Truckers? Yeah, dude.
It's my guilty pleasure.
Tom, I'm asking you as a man to stop this immediately.
- Boom! - What the? Hello, is this Mrs.
Gallivan? Well, my name is April, and wouldn't you know it, I'm raising money for a city council candidate I believe in.
No, mira, mira, mira, mira, mira.
It's, like, whatever you want.
Like, $10.
It don't matter.
Well, I reckon it's just like grammy Martha told me and my cousins, "you can't eat the biscuits if you don't pay for the flour.
" Put the phone down, take a deep breath, and then you are going to tell Steven that you will be treated with respect, okay? And thank you for your donation.
Well, gee, I don't know, Fred.
All I know is that I just want to live in a world that's a better place, and your contribution will definitely help us get there, to the Better-place world, Fred.
Yeehaw! Man, move over, pins.
There's a new Sheriff in town.
You are so down with strikes, they should call you Norma Rae.
- Who's that? - It's a Sally Field movie about Unions.
Doesn't matter.
The point is, you're really good at this.
It's your turn.
Try not to break a nail.
Ah, classic Derek with the Zings.
Man, that's what bowling is all about hey.
How's it going? - It's going really good.
- Oh, good.
Um, we're just hanging out and having a very good time.
Okay, I just wanted to remind you that when you're bowling, try not to fixate on just one pin.
You're trying to knock down a lot of pins.
I realize that, but I will knock down this pin, and then this pin will knock down all the other pins.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Hey, could you get me another one of these? I I don't work here.
Classic Derek.
I am taking a probiotic tea break.
And while that is happening, I thought I might share some big news.
I am going to ask Millicent Gergich to move in with me.
D-I I mean, if that's okay with you of course, Jerry.
- Uh, yeah.
- Of course.
Sure.
That's awesome, man.
Hey, do you guys wanna live here with us and Ben and champion, the three-legged dog? - That is an amazing offer.
- Yes! But I think we're probably gonna get our own place.
I'm already working with a Real Estate agent to find an octagonal house.
I've done some reading, and an octagon is the optimal shape for a home in terms of energy flow.
You know, Chris, I hate to pull rank, but if you're going to take a break, would you mind going in the living room, just, you know, so it doesn't disturb everybody else.
Jerry, I love it when you pull rank.
You're being weird.
Why? Milli's gonna break up with Chris.
Shut up.
Oh, my God, that's gonna super weird when they move in together.
Yeah, I don't know when, but she is definitely gonna do it.
Nice.
Hey, Ron.
Were you trying to get a seven? Because if you were, you did a great job.
I am very angry right now.
What? My finger was in there.
Ron crushed my finger.
I think it might be broken.
- Are you a female bird? - It was an accident.
Oh, my God, it's already swollen.
Tom, my God, do you have any pride at all? You did this on purpose.
You're jealous of my gift.
Okay, come on, Tweety Bird, let's get you some ice.
- It hurts.
- Come on.
Well, congratulations, man.
Fun match, fun game, good times.
Did you have fun? Yeah.
I'm not one to complain about free beer and free bowling.
See you around.
Okay.
Uh, just one second.
I'm running for city council, as you know, and uh, just wondering, do I have your vote? - No.
- Derek.
You old so-and-so.
For reals, can I count on your vote? Yeah, no, um, I don't think so.
But we've been here bowling all night, and we've been having fun.
And you're still not gonna vote for me? Why? - I don't like you, okay? - Leslie, Leslie.
Well, you're a crappy bowler, and I pretended to lose to you.
Yeah, right.
I destroyed you.
No, it's true.
I am a really good bowler.
Ask Ron.
I don't know who Ron is.
But if you're so great, let's play again.
Good.
I'd love to.
Tell you what, if I win, I get your vote.
If I win, you clean my house for a month.
- Done.
- Hey, Leslie.
I'd like to introduce you to my good friend, anyone else.
Not now, Ben.
I'd like to introduce Derek's ass to my foot.
Get me another beer.
I don't work here.
$20? Thank you.
Uh, you know, we're really looking for donations more in the $10,000 range.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey.
Just one second.
Let me get off this call.
Hi, I'm so sorry.
I'm back.
What, champion? You need to go outside now? Come on.
That a boy.
Sorry, he's hates awkward situations.
Oh! - Terrible moonwalk.
- Don't care.
Yeah, what's up now, huh? Aw, you got a spare.
That's so cute.
Check out the scoreboard.
So Millicent and I are going to take a nice little stroll, and I'll be back soon.
You know, if you want to take the rest of the night off, you know, that would be fine.
Well, I don't think that will be necessary.
Unless you also want to go get dinner.
Nope, this won't take too long.
Chris, you might want to take a jacket with you.
It's about to get cold out there.
Thanks, Donna, but Millicent's company will keep me warm.
Take the jacket.
I wished for his happiness to go away.
I might be a wizard.
Hey, Derek.
What a defeat, man.
I mean, I did not expect to win by that much.
But I warned you, I am a good bowler.
- Whatever.
- All joking aside, I wanna say that I actually had fun.
And I'm really looking forward to your vote in the spring.
Yeah, I'll just write in "bitch.
" I'm sorry, what did you just say? Just ignore him.
He's being a jerk.
I said she's a bitch.
- Oh, my God.
- What the hell? I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
That was awesome.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, look.
Here's that photo op you wanted.
- Ow.
- Sorry.
So you know that's everything that happens so it was just what happened.
It was just like - What's wrong with you? - I don't know, I just I have a lot of adrenaline right now.
Just take a few deep breaths, okay? The guy said he might press charges.
Yeah, well, Randy, I would like you to know that we will not be pressing charges.
Yeah, that really wasn't an option.
Come on, the guy was being a total jerk.
What Ben did was warranted and extremely awesome, by the way.
Did you write down how awesome it was? When we write official reports, we refrain from using words like "jerk" or "awesome.
" - Hey, here you go.
- Hey.
Wow, you and me, huh? Hurt "fingies.
" No, no, two totally different injuries.
Okay, you just hang in there, okay? Okay, love you too.
Bye-bye.
Well, that was Milli.
It happened.
She broke up with Chris.
- Boo.
- Damn you, Jerry.
It's not my fault.
Well, I feel sorry for the man.
Well, anyway, the fundraising challenge is over, and the winner whoa.
We have a surprise winner, April.
April wins two tickets to the pawnee mono-plex.
- Yes.
- That's my wife.
Okay, everything's settled here.
Wanna head home? No.
We haven't finished yet.
Last frame, your turn.
- He hurt his hand.
- Last frame, go.
- Fine, I'll bowl one-handed, like an idiot.
Whoo! Oh, come on.
King Kong ain't got nothing on me.
Ow, my "fingie" still hurts.
Oh, the bravery.
The perseverance.
You're an American hero.
And the best part is, beautiful, you get to drive the champion home.
Well, the headline I would've gone with is "no-strike-bowling bowler struck by Knope's striking beau.
" Okay, one more time.
Let me resign.
It's the only thing that truly protects you.
- Non-starter.
- Okay.
- Now when you take questions, I think you should be brief and sincere.
Don't try to justify what I did.
Just apologize again, and stay on script.
Are you sure that you don't need more whipped cream? Not today.
I don't deserve it.
I got us into this mess because I was fixating on that guy.
But this is ridiculous.
I do need more whipped cream.
Ma'am.
Hi.
April Ludgate.
How are you doing? Uh, whatever.
I'm fine.
Um, how are you? Well, as you may know, Millicent Gergich ended our relationship last night, which was disappointing.
But here's why it may be the greatest thing that ever happened.
Yeah, good point.
Hadn't thought about it that way.
Um, here.
Take these tickets.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Y-you earned them.
They're movie tickets, Chris.
They're, like, 8 bucks.
It's a gesture.
There are three of them.
I thought there were only two.
Yeah, I know, I bought another one because I thought that maybe you, me, and Andy could go to the movies sometime.
Just take the stupid tickets.
I'm just trying to be nice.
- Thank you.
- There you go.
Okay, bye.
Leslie, are you going to fire Ben Wyatt? Are you going to suspend your campaign? I'd like to first start by saying thank you for coming.
And on behalf of Ben Wyatt and everyone involved in my campaign, I'm very sorry for what happened at the rock n' roll bowling alley last night.
You know what? No, I'm not.
- I - I'm not sorry.
This guy was drunk, and he was aggressive.
And he was rude, and he was foul-mouthed.
And he called me by my second least favorite term for a woman, and my campaign manager punched him.
I do not condone violence, but I have to be honest, it was awesome.
And my campaign manager and I made out a lot afterward.
Ah, I probably shouldn't have said that.
But that's what happened.
Derek hates me, and I don't particularly like him.
So what's the point, right, Derek? I feel like you're being kind of a bitch right now.
See? So I'm not going to apologize.
And if people won't vote for me because of that, well, there's nothing I can do about it.
But you should be warned.
If you do not vote for me, my boyfriend might beat you up.
Now if anyone has any questions about the issues facing our city, I'm right here.
Okay, what are your overall impressions of this woman? What do you like about her? What don't you like about her? - I like her.
- What do you like about her specifically? I don't know.
She's tough, I guess.
I just like her.
I like that that one guy punched that other guy, and then I like that she stood by him.
See? People vote with their gut.
Yeah, that guy said he didn't like my earrings.
Go punch him.
Sure.
Here you go.
Lane eight.
No, Lane 22.
The one at the very end.
Son of a bitch.
Hey, perfect game.
What's your name? Put it up on a wall.
I was never here, and you will never speak of this again