Raising Hope s04e13 Episode Script

Oh, you're dead.
Over the years, my parents' backyard had been home to rabid raccoons, a hive of killer bees, and a chunk of frozen blue airplane poop that cannonballed into the hot tub.
All these were more pleasant than what was going on here.
It all started because of a bad smell.
What is that? Ooh.
Is that us? You smell like fertilizer.
Mm.
You smell like toilet bowl cleaner.
Well, it's not us.
Oh.
Oh, I think I'm getting warmer.
Ooh, I also think I found the smell.
My eyes are tearing up, look at that.
I think it's got to be the rug.
Or what's under the rug.
Oh, wait.
Are you sure you want to do that? I gotta know, Virginia.
I gotta know.
Why did I want to know? Oh.
Oh, why? You can't unsmell that.
I was curing some nice jerky under that rug.
Well, let's clean it off, take it outside for a couple of days.
This is my house.
No one's leaving me outside for a couple of days.
I'm talking about the rug, maw maw.
Just take it outside.
I hope it doesn't attract any more animals.
More animals mean more jerky.
It's the circle of jerky.
Hey, guys.
Barney's freaking out about his first date with Maxine.
He's asking everybody to go with him for moral support.
But I'm a terrible wingman.
Women can't resist my potent sexual magnetism.
Sabrina, eyes up here.
Frank, your fly's open.
Can't sell if you don't advertise.
What did you tell Barney? I just made up an excuse.
Told him I'm gonna get a perm.
Well, I think we should support Barney.
I'm not going.
It's not because of Barney.
It's 'cause of my aunt Maxine.
It's like she's always criticizing everything I eat and what I wear and how I married a guy who's just completely beneath my wings.
Like the wind.
You can stop.
Hey, Sabr Immy.
You see what I did there? I combo'd your names because you're my favorite couple.
- How would you two like to go on a double date - Oh, we can't.
We have to go to our first fencing lesson.
- Yeah, they're gonna teach us how to build a - Fight with swords.
Wow.
Everyone I've asked said they were busy tonight.
Never realized it would be so hard to arrange a foursome.
Is that how you're phrasing it? Because I think that's a problem.
You know who would love to go on a double date? My parents.
And they're totally free on Tuesdays.
Because their favorite tv show moved to Fridays.
Great idea, guys.
BurGinia.
Did you see what I did there? I combo'd your names because you're my favorite couple.
Oh.
Hey, I like that.
And we'll call you Barn Nobody.
Sorry.
Halfway into that, I realized you don't have a girlfriend.
While that's been true since the mid-aughts, I am now currently in a relationship with Maxine.
Albeit long-distance and mostly virtual.
Well, good for you, Barney.
Does Maxine know? Not only does she know, but tonight is our first in-person date.
And I could not be more terrified.
Would you two please come with? Dinner's on me.
Well, sounds more fun than scraping the dead meat smell out of our floor.
Sure, we'd love to.
Oh, thank god you'll be there.
Because I tend to compensate for awkward silences by stuffing bread in my mouth.
Our reservation's at 7:00.
This place is so fancy.
They give you free soup.
It's lukewarm and a little lemony, but it's free.
That's for your fingers.
Oh, so it's like finger sandwiches, but with soup.
I will never understand the rich.
Welcome to Prairie, Natesville's first farm-to-table restaurant, where all of our meats Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it, we know all the animals had a great life before they were brutally slaughtered, but we're ready to order.
So you don't want to meet your chicken? No.
But the lady will have him roasted in mustard sauce with fingerling potatoes.
And my husband will have the pork shoulder with the roasted red vegetables.
That's exactly what I wanted, but you forgot one thing.
Oh, that's right.
Even though my husband's not having the lobster, he would like the bib.
And I will have Allow me.
My lovely date will have the veal.
- Chick - Bzzt.
Lobst Vealchicklobst.
That sounds better than turducken.
That's okay, Barney, I got it.
And I will have the bison steak.
No gluten, no trans fats, No dairy, no sugar, no salt.
I'll have all her "no's" on the side.
They sound delicious.
And above all, no legumes.
That's nuts.
You said it, not me.
Hello.
My name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
En garde.
Parry, Parry, thrust.
My name isn't Perry, you fool.
Prepare to taste my bendy sword.
- We are so lame, aren't we? - What? What if, instead of just picking up one of these flyers to show to Barney, we actually took one of these classes ourselves? It was then that I realized narrating other people's activities was just disguising the fact that we had none of our own.
I'm kind of upset I didn't meet that chicken.
I want to thank him for being so delicious.
This pig is pretty amazing, too.
I'm kind of surprised they don't eat each other more often.
Mm.
If your shoulder tasted this good, I'd have a hard time stopping myself.
- Excuse me.
- Yes, ma'am? Number one, I don't remember ordering extra attitude.
And number two, this steak is delicious, there's no way it wasn't cooked with trans fats.
Come on, Maxine.
You sent it back three times.
Maybe at this point what you're tasting is the chef's saliva.
Barney, it's a $60 steak, just let me handle it.
I was just trying to defuse the situation.
You don't have to snap at me in front of my friends.
That wasn't snapping, this is snapping.
Now why would you do that? You know the art of snapping has always eluded me.
What are you gonna throw in my face next? The fact that you can fold your tongue or tiptoe? Barney, we are in a restaurant.
I refuse to make a scene.
I refuse to make a scene! So You really can't tiptoe? I was an obese child raised by two lesbians who only wore sandals.
I never stood a chance.
I think it's working.
I knew if we scraped hard enough, we'd get the smell out.
Let's hope this "Angel's whisper" can help us do the rest of the job.
Mm.
Guess that is what that would smell like.
Aah, I got a splinter.
I've got, like, ten of 'em.
Ow.
Welcome to our new reality.
Paradise from the ankles up.
Oh, hello.
Yes, I know it's the middle of the night, I just really, really need your help.
I feel like a fool.
I acted horribly rude at the restaurant tonight.
Like that time you barged into someone's house ugh.
In the middle of the night? Listen, I really like Barney, and I do not want to lose him.
I don't think he's gonna find someone before morning.
In fact, knowing Barney, you probably have five to ten years to solve this problem.
Well, I'm not the kind of person to wait until the morning to solve a problem.
Well, we are.
Sometimes we put things off till the afternoon, or maybe three months later.
Look, I saw the way you two were at dinner tonight.
Ordering for each other, so in sync.
Can Barney and I maybe just watch you for a couple days just to get a feeling for how you do what you do? I'll pay you.
A lot.
Oh, you think we're so desperate for money that we'll be used as guinea pigs in your bizarre relationship experiment? Because if that's what you think we are - The answer is yes.
- Really? We need a new rug to cover this splinter minefield on the floor.
Besides, what's the worst that could happen? That's just what comic strip Cathy says every Monday, then, boom, she can't fit into a bathing suit.
Oh, come on, Burt.
A new rug? I always hear people bragging about how their carpets match their drapes.
You're right.
I want to be one of those people.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
And, full disclosure, I will be recording this for training purposes.
That is not a problem.
I was just about to whip up some breakfast.
While I retrieve the breakfast beverages.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss you more.
I hope everybody likes sticks and scones.
Wait, you made those already? Well, we made the batter last night before we went to bed.
And we got up at 4:00 to put them in the oven.
And then we went back to bed for a couple more hours of cuddling.
We always say, "Love is the most important part of a complete and balanced breakfast.
" If you're not gonna be real, this isn't gonna work.
Exactly.
Listen, we don't need a show, we just need to see how you really live.
Ah, thank god.
Come on out, maw maw.
What's with the spread? Is it Christmas already? I'll be in the bathroom if anybody needs me.
It's okay, she's got a tv tray in there.
Aren't you two taking your Barney excuse a little far? Well, we actually went to fencing lessons.
Turns out our lying might have led us to a real passion.
I get to do my light saber sound.
And when he does that sound, I get to stab him in the chest with a sword.
I actually really love my perm, too.
I'm thinking about keeping it forever.
Oh, you're gonna make your perm What's that word I'm looking for? Always there Not temporary - Tenured - Let's just give him some space.
- Perpetual.
- He'll get it.
- Infinite in its sameness.
- Okay.
No.
Enduring, forever, durable, persistent So, are you guys always about three and a half inches apart when on the couch? I guess.
W-we kind of go where the couch dip tells us.
And, I'm sorry, I-I was kind of caught up watching the lion eat the baby meerkat, uh, but who initiated the hand-holding? Uh Uh, we can't really figure it out.
It just kind of happens on its own.
Guys, please, we're paying you for answers.
Calm down, Maxine.
I'm sorry.
I'm just frustrated because they agree on everything and they never, ever fight.
That's not true.
We used to fight.
Yeah, we weren't always perfect.
All couples fight in the beginning.
You know who saved us? You won't believe this, but it was that former daytime talk show host Sally Jessy Raphael.
Yeah.
SJR says that couples fight over three things: Parenting, sex and being broke.
We were like, "Oh, my god, that's us.
Can she see us through the TV?" It's like she was talking directly to us.
Teaching us that if a cross-dressing skinhead and a break-dancing rabbi can stay married just by not fighting over sex, parenting, and money, then so could we.
But those problems aren't our problems.
Yeah.
Maxine makes a good living and I haven't bought groceries in 20 years.
So cheddar isn't an issue, money or cheese.
And children probably aren't in play because I sold most of my eggs years ago to pay for business school.
So that just leaves sex, which isn't a problem because Barney refuses to make a move.
I'm sorry.
I I get nervous.
Maybe it's because of my ex-wife's pet name for me, "The guy who can't give me an orgasm.
" One year, she even put it on my birthday cake.
Barney, would it help you if I sent you a cake that said "do me anytime"? Is that an invitation? - Be gentle.
- No.
Judging from how Barney shivered when she took his hand, this won't take too long.
Well, I just got kicked out of a three-way in my own bedroom.
Big mistake.
I'm a great utility player.
Wow, these are, like, real rugs.
These are a lot nicer than the ones Jorge sells behind the gas station.
Yeah, I don't think he sells those.
I think he's just showing off how many rugs he has.
You know, I think this may be the first time we've actually bought anything new for the house.
Yeah.
The stuff's either maw maw's or hand-me-downs or "Hey, look, they're throwing that out"s.
It'll be so nice to have a rug that doesn't glow like the milky way under a black light.
Burt, it'll be our special rug.
And I see the perfect one.
Me, too.
That one.
But this one is so luxury.
I could really see myself reading in front of the fireplace on this.
I mean, if I read and our chimney wasn't filled with raccoons.
Every time I look at it, I'm gonna hear the word "Shag" in my head and that's gonna urge me to do my Austin Powers impression Every time, baby.
Yeah! I hate when I do that.
Look at this.
Iental rug.
The correct term is Asian-American rug.
Besides, that pattern is busier than a chinese fire drill.
I still like this one.
But I've heard orange is the new black, but I definitely do not want a black rug.
I mean, African-American rug.
Burt, we could carve pumpkins on this rug, Spill orange juice, give each other spray tans.
The possibilities are endless.
- Name one more thing.
- You name one more thing.
Well, I guess we wouldn't have to worry if we touched it with barbeque chip fingers.
Or cheese puff fingers.
Fine, the possibilities are endless.
But I still want that rug.
Oh, my god.
Are we fighting over a rug? There is no rug fight.
So maybe this is the money fight? No, the money fight is when we're broke and can't afford to buy anything.
Maxine gave us plenty of cash, so it can't be that.
It can't be the sex fight after what we did twice this morning.
Well, that just leaves the parenting fight.
And as happy as it would make me, I can't figure any way we can pin this on Jimmy.
I know.
I had that thought, too, and I got nothing.
That means we've discovered a fourth kind of fight.
That bitch Sally Jessy lied to us.
Is it also possible that baby mamas don't always lead to drama? Uh I don't know what to believe anymore! Burt, we're not prepared for another kind of fight.
Let's just get out of here.
This is Clarence.
Now, not only are you gonna be eating him tonight, but the batter that we're gonna fry him in is gonna be made with eggs from his lifelong partner, Lucy.
There they are.
Natesville's perfect couple.
The love savers.
Do you know that, before you two, I always shied away from public displays of affection, But now Well someone's not getting up to go to the salad bar anytime soon.
We're so happy you could let us buy you dinner as a thank you for all you've done for us.
Sorry we're late.
We were at the rug store.
Oh, what kind of rug did you buy? What's with the third degree? Jeepers, Burt.
My queen just asked you a question.
Are you mad at us? I'm sorry.
It's not you, It's-it's us.
Are you two fighting? You never fight.
What's going on? Drugs? Infidelity? Banned german pornography? I'm just spitballing.
We can't agree on which rug to buy.
Which is crazy 'cause we agree on everything else in our lives, From which animals go to heaven Dogs, cats, bigfoots, elephants.
- to the best kind of ice cream.
- Bubble gum.
Then why do you come in every week and buy a pint of chocolate? Hey.
Whatever happened to grocer-customer confidentiality? The Patriot Act changed everything.
Is this true, Burt? Are you really sneaking around to buy chocolate ice cream? Maybe? See? This is what you get for listening to that Sally Jessy Raphael.
You never take advice from someone with three names.
Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wayne Gacy, Mary Louise Parker-- they're all notorious psychopaths.
- She's right.
- Of course I'm right.
And there aren't just three types of fights.
There's millions, and I think that you two have been avoiding them.
You know, if you don't clear the air every once in a while, stuff builds up until it explodes.
Next thing you know, you're crying in a bubble bath listening to Linda Ronstadt, trying to forget the image of your cousin tongue-kissing your now ex-wife.
That sounds awful.
I don't want to listen to Linda Ronstadt.
I like Linda Ronstadt.
She brings a sassy latin flavor to the adult contemporary genre.
Oh, my god.
We don't agree on anything anymore.
It's like fight dominoes.
You two need a good, healthy brawl.
I think he's right, Burt.
Me, too.
I love you.
I love you, too.
This fight's off to a terrible start.
Okay, name-calling, screaming and dish-throwing are allowed.
Any reference to your opponent's mother is considered a low blow and is encouraged.
Yes.
And, remember, you don't have to be able to take it to dish it out.
Hey! Guys! Barney just texted us and told us you were about to have a fight.
What's going on? You guys never fight.
Apparently that's our problem.
What's the fight about? Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Jimmy, honey, you know we would blame it on you - if we could.
- Okay.
Come on.
Let's get started.
We really don't know how to start.
Why don't you start with something small, like, um maybe he chews too loud.
I like the way I chew.
You said it made you feel safe to know I was snacking nearby.
I was lying.
Okay? I mean, I also said that I like those silly little underwear that you wear in our bedroom.
They're my "manties," and they make me feel virile.
Let me tell you something, mister-- the only part of a man's wardrobe that should have satin is the lining of his smoking jacket! Do you two mind? It's kind of hard for Virginia and I to start a fight with all this tension in the air.
Please don't fight.
Mommy and daddy love each other.
Mommy and daddy love each other.
Mommy and daddy love each other.
Hey, hey.
Hey.
Don't turn away from this, Jimmy.
I'm telling you, it's totally healthy for children to see that their parents don't always agree.
I know what you're getting at, but I still refuse to fight in front of Hope.
My parents fought in front of me all the time and I turned out okay.
You're a rich girl who married into all this.
Something went pretty wrong.
All right.
En garde! Which one of you's gonna pay me the $40 I spent on supplies? Don't anybody give him a nickel.
I'm not paying for this! Now all the tufts of hair on my body will look the same! That's the beauty of it! That's why you get a perm.
Now give me my money! You want to talk about not sexy? How 'bout we start with your o-face.
Not sexy! That's when my parents sneaked back into the house.
They couldn't help but think about Sally Jessy Raphae as they watched the rest of us fight about sex Ooh, look at my ass and my little tiny little underwear.
I look like a child.
Parenting You really want Hope to see this? Yep.
It's gonna empower her when I kick your ass.
and money.
I'm sick of this! I'm spending all day I know how I look! I look good! - I don't want to fight.
- Me neither.
Good.
Burt, if you want chocolate ice cream, then just get chocolate ice cream.
You don't have to lie to me.
I was only lying because, while I like chocolate, I love watching you enjoy bubble gum ice cream even more.
You do? I think that's why I was so upset about the rug.
- What? - Seeing you happy makes me happy so I give in on a lot of things.
I just thought this time I'd pick something.
I had no idea that the rug was so important to you.
We're never gonna be world travelers.
That rug made me feel like I was actually on vacation in Asian America.
The rug you like makes me feel like I'm in my parents' basement.
Oh, my god.
That's why I like it so much.
Burt, do you remember what we used to do on that rug when we were teenagers? We made some real sparks on that rug.
Yes, we did.
Now I totally want that rug.
Oh, wait a minute.
We've got a whole yard full of people out there fighting.
Should we tell 'em we made up? I have a better idea.
You want to take it for a test drive? I think that I do.
Let me know when you two lovebirds are done with the rug.
If this tastes as good as it fights, this is gonna be some great jerky.