Remington Steele (1982) s04e13 Episode Script

This is most exciting honor, to visit office of Remington Steele.
He's got the airplane, a 707- crash.
- Sure the kids are all right? - They couldn't be in better hands.
- Pizza! - Holy Pete.
- And these must be the Hibachi brothers.
- Yes, indeed.
American car chase! - Bless you! - We are not P.
I.
's for nothing.
- Homework? - Check.
- Homework? - Check.
- No homework.
- Check.
Donald? - We're leaving for carpool.
- All right, sweetheart.
- Now you take it easy today.
Okay? - Oh, I-I'm fine.
- Everything is just fine.
- That's my girl.
Oh, honey, don't forget to dump the garbage.
- Have I ever let you down, Frances? - No.
Bye-bye.
- Thank you, Mrs.
Piper! Bye! - Okay.
Thank you.
Bye-bye, honey.
- I love you.
Bye, Mom.
- Bye.
- Holy Pete! - What is it, Daniel? - I forgot my lunch.
- I handed it to you in the kitchen.
- What happened to it? - I don't know.
All right.
All right.
Go on to class, and I'll just drop it by later.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Okay.
Okay, keep that tooth up, honey.
- Yes? - I- Oh, my God.
! - We're off, Mildred.
- 'Fraid not, hon.
Your sister.
Again! - I just left.
- Ah, now, Laura- I know.
She's my sister.
But she has called every hour on the hour since she came to California.
- It's only been three weeks.
- The longest three weeks of my life.
The woman can't go to the grocery store without creating a crisis.
Laura, I really think you're being a bit unfair about all of this.
Really? Does your sister see U.
F.
O.
's at midnight? Does your sister mistake sparrows for vampire bats? To the best of my knowledge, I don't have a sister.
- That isn't the point.
- Well- I gotta go with Miss Holt on this one, chief.
Honest.
- Frances is a kook.
- Look, there are 500 criminologists waiting to hear you deliver the keynote address at the East-West Convention, and I will not have my sister's neuroses get in the way.
Look, she's merely having trouble adjusting to Southern California.
Uh-huh.
You want to fine-tune Frances.
Terrific.
I've run out of patience.
The limo is leaving in two minutes with or without you.
Hey.
Laura.
Hey, look.
Oh.
Ah, hi.
Frances? Yeah, it's me.
Mr.
Steele.
Um- She's- She's- She's detained at the moment.
- Can I be of any assistance? - There's a dead man in my kitchen.
Uh, really? Anyone you know? Um, I-look, where are you now? Okay.
Well, uh, we'll be right over.
Okay.
Sit tight.
Don't worry.
Yes.
She's just a little bit upset.
That's all.
- What about the convention? - Uh, yeah.
Good thought.
Ah, the convention.
Ah, Mildred, ah- I'm afraid you'll have to stall them.
Okay? You got it, chief.
- This is a strange route.
- Just a brief detour.
Fred, turn left up here, mate.
- That station wagon is awfully familiar.
- Mm-hmm.
Benedict Arnold.
- I don't know if I can take this.
- It's all right, Frances.
He's- He's right over here.
He- Oh, my God! Now stay calm, Frances.
It was here! There was a body on my kitchen floor.
And there was fl-flour everywhere.
Was that before or after the U.
F.
O.
landed? - Well, you believe me, don't you, Mr.
Steele? - Oh, absolutely.
Laura? Laura? - Frances- - We are talking about a real live, dead person, who was in my kitchen half an hour ago.
I saw him.
He was here.
The move to California has been very difficult for you, Frances.
The move to California has nothing to do with it.
I'm over that! I know how important the teaching position at USC is to Donald.
Even though it meant giving up my- my beautiful home in Connecticut and all my friends at the, uh, Junior League and scarring the children emotionally.
Sacrifice.
That's what being a wife is all about.
And I am completely well-adjusted to it.
Now get me out of this house! - Oh.
- Frances.
This is most exciting honor to visit office of Remington Steele.
Don't mention it, fellas.
Right this way.
Here we go.
The martian's coming on, and he's got the airplane, a big Boeing 707- - Oh! - Crash! Oh, my God! Boss? Ah- Oh.
Yes, Mildred? Uh, w-what is it? Just doing a little developmental psychology work- Oops.
There you go.
- Boss, I would like you to meet Mr.
Harimoto- - Ah-ha.
Mr.
Itazuru and Mr.
Takahomo.
- Hi.
- Three leading criminologists ofJapan.
Great, ha.
Ah! Yes, the convention.
Mildred Krebs delivered most exciting speech.
Uh-huh? I thought I told you to stall.
Well, how long can you stall, chief? I was not aware she solved Hapsburg Dagger case.
- Most impressive.
- Yes.
Something must have gotten lost in translation.
However, not as impressive as the case of the Maltese Cross.
Mildred Krebs, you are one clever P.
I.
Seems a great deal got lost in the translation, eh? Oh, boys, would you like to see Mr.
Steele's office? So, come on.
Follow me.
Here we go.
- Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
Okay? - Here we go.
- Shh.
- Most educational tour.
Oh, ah, distraught client.
Follow me, fellas.
Mildred, hey.
Frances.
I'm sorry.
This is the supply room! Come on.
Here we go.
Here's the water cooler and the copy machine.
Ah! Toshiba! - What- M-Mildred, what in blazes! - Oh, boss! They're big fans of yours.
And they were dying to see your office.
I couldn't say no after all the wonderful things I said about you and Miss Holt.
Oh, that's very gracious of you, Mildred.
Hey, gentlemen, gentlemen.
Operative Krebs here has graciously offered to personally host your grand tour of the City of Angels.
- What about that, eh? - Mildred-san- - Yeah.
Mildred! - Mildred.
Oh, wait a minute! What am I gonna do with them? - You're the clever P.
I.
You'll think of something.
- But boss- Good day, guys.
Bye.
Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty.
- Ah.
- Come along, children.
We are going home.
- Frances.
- Ah, splendid, you got her to calm down.
- She means Connecticut.
- Oh.
- Danny, grab your tooth.
Let's go.
- Frances, honey, be reasonable.
I am reasonable.
It is California that is unreasonable.
Frances, you're tired.
You're upset.
Don't patronize me, Laura.
I am your older sister.
- I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
- Don't apologize.
No need.
I- I'm sure it's just temporary.
You know, we need time together, alone, away from the kids and- I just- I don't know how we can swing it right now.
Ladies, ladies, listen.
Hold up a second here.
Hold up.
I have a proposition to make.
Here we are, just you and me.
It's kinda nice, having an evening alone for a change.
Don't you think? No kids.
No worries.
- I never should have agreed to this.
- Frances, the kids are fine.
- They're fine.
- That house is not safe, Donald.
Remember? Remember what happened the last time we stayed here? - Don't touch me, Donald! - Hah? Frannie.
Now, now, Frances.
- You don't believe me, do you? - Of course I believe you, lamb chops.
If you say a man died in our kitchen, a man died in our kitchen.
You're just saying that to make me feel better.
No.
There are much better ways of making you feel better.
- Like what? - Like, uh- Donald, you are an animal! No, and you love every minute of it, you little vixen! - Come here.
- Are you sure the kids are all right? They couldn't be in better hands.
Ouch! Danny, put your sister dow- Dan- Put your sister down, will ya? Put her down.
Thank you.
Here.
Mm! Would you kindly remind me what we are doing here? Huh? Well, to put it simply, Miss Holt, unless we can convince Frances beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing's amiss in Tarzana we might have to start a day care center here on a permanent basis.
- Why this sudden concern about my family? - Huh? I just want to help.
That's all.
- Here you go.
- Dinner's ready! Do you have to shriek like that the whole time? Here we go, chaps.
All right.
Sit down.
Look what Auntie Laura has made for us.
Doesn't this look scrumptious, eh? Eh? - Holy Pete! - Danny, don't play with your food.
Mommy's spaghetti doesn't look like this.
Ah, that's because this is special spaghetti.
Here you go.
Let me have a mouthful of this, hmm? Mmm.
Mmm.
- Oh, yummy, yummy.
- I think I'm allergic to special spaghetti.
- Me too.
- Me too.
- What's for dessert? - What about, um, pizza! Yeah! Aah! Pizza! Here we go.
What kind of pizza? - Pepperoni! - Sausage! - Pineapple! - Pineapple.
Okay.
Pepperoni, sausage and pineapple! - Anything for you, Miss Holt? - I think I'll have my spaghetti, thank you.
I think I'm allergic to toast.
Oh! All right.
Then you can have some cereal! Yea! - I hate cereal.
- It's good for you.
It has fiber! - Can I be excused? - Me too? - All right, but we leave in five minutes.
- Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
- So good of you to join us, Mr.
Steele.
- Oh, thank you.
I slept like the proverbial baby.
Ah, the charred remains of breakfast, I see.
You're the gourmet cook.
Why didn't you get up at the crack of dawn and fix breakfast? Ah, it's all spelled out in the master plan.
Morning chores: Mummy cooks breakfast; Mummy drives carpool; Daddy dumps the garbage.
Mustn't confuse the role models, Miss Holt.
Children at that tender age.
All right.
I'll take the children to school.
You dump the garbage.
Then we're getting out of this zoo.
Danny! Come on.
- Bye, children! - Bye.
Bye-bye! Bye-bye.
Holy Pete! Oh, I knew all we needed was a little time alone a little time to talk things over, a little time to- Ah, Frannie, Frannie.
Oh, my God! I leave you alone for five minutes, and look what happens.
Mmm.
Frances, it appears that someone, most likely the killer trailed the victim and dumped him in your trash.
Killer? You're saying that there was a killer in my kitchen? Only long enough to clean up, Frances.
If we're right, it would be mere coincidence that the dead body ended up in your house.
Precisely.
The man was shot nearby and merely chose your linoleum to expire on.
You probably have nothing to worry about.
Oh, that's easy for you to say, Laura.
How can Donald teach at a time like this? - You insisted he go! - Well, he didn't have to listen to me.
- No word yet on the dead man's I.
D.
- Hi.
Mildred, what are they doing here? I thought I'd take 'em to the Polo Lounge for lunch before they catch their plane.
Admirable sentiment, Mildred.
You know, hands across the sea and all that.
But we're gonna need you to find out who this dead man is.
- Try Felix Melcher.
- Bumpers? - Krebs! - Oh! - What are you doing here? - I'm at headquarters now on special assignment.
- Oh.
- Mildred, who-who is this man? - Ah, Harrison Bumpers.
- I.
R.
S.
fraud squad.
Krebbie and I go way back.
Well, we're very delighted for both of you, but, uh, what about this dead man? His name was Felix Melcher.
He was on a deep-cover assignment trying to nail a snake by the name ofTed Warner.
The same Ted Warner that used to operate on the East Coast? Good memory, Krebbie.
Why, uh, you haven't lost a step.
Who is this Ted Warner? King of the pyramid schemes.
Always folds his tent before the government moves in.
- What is he doing out here? - He surfaced a year ago with an outfit called Bright Age Cosmetics.
And this time, he got greedy.
He didn't fold when he should have.
We slipped Melcher in as an accountant, hoping to find evidence - for tax evasion, at the very least.
- Obviously he found something.
Yeah.
Melcher called me a couple of days ago.
We were supposed to meet.
- He didn't make it.
- How did he end up on my sister's floor? Your guess is as good as mine.
The sales force for Bright Age is composed entirely of housewives.
You don't happen to work for Bright Age, do you, ma'am? Housewives in Connecticut do not sell cosmetics.
We give bridge parties.
Uh-huh.
Uh, we believe that, uh, Warner's keepin' two sets of books.
Maybe that's what Melcher was onto.
You can certainly count on the Remington Steele Agency on this, Mr.
Bumpers.
- We can? - Absolutely.
- We can? - Absolutely.
Gentlemen, come in, come in.
Ah.
Mr.
Warner.
Watney Chambers, investment counselor.
Well, pleased to have received your call, Mr.
Chambers.
- And these must be the Hibachi brothers.
- Yes, indeed.
These gentlemen jetted in this morning to discuss the possibility of launching Bright Age in the Orient.
And, uh, how many zeros does this possibility have? Mm, half a dozen, but these chaps are rather finicky.
They like to examine an investment from the bottom up.
Mmm.
Gentlemen.
What do you say we take a tour of the facilities to set the ball rolling? A most welcome invitation.
- Coming, Mr.
Chambers? - No, I don't want to horn in.
These gentlemen are used to only dealing with the head honcho.
Understood and appreciated.
This way, gentlemen.
Oh, my God.
You're slipping.
You're slipping.
- Well? - These books are cleaner than I remember 'em.
It's a dead end, boss.
From these figures there's nothing wrong with Bright Age Cosmetics.
You mean, we went through all that for nothing? Oh, no problem, Mr.
Steele.
It was a fascinating tour in a thoroughly modern facility.
- Everything tip-top.
- Yeah, thank you.
We all know Felix Melcher wasn't murdered for having clean books.
There has to be something wrong with Bright Age.
- But what? - I tried the back door.
Miss Holt, you try the front.
Wait a minute.
This is a government matter.
The government could use a little help now, Miss Holt.
Oh, come on, hon.
You can't let Uncle Sam down.
Well, since I've been called to colors- Laura, you can't leave me alone.
- All right.
Frances and I will try the front door.
- Mmm.
- Krebbie and I will recheck these numbers.
- Splendid! Meanwhile, I'm just- Could you be an angel and pick up Donald at the university? - His car broke down this morning.
- Mmm.
Be an angel.
Hi! - Hello.
- How do you know all these people? Oh, carpool, P.
T.
A.
, Little League.
It's a full plate, Laura.
Excuse me.
Frances Piper.
We didn't see you in aerobics yesterday.
I had unexpected company.
I'm Laura Holt, Frances's sister.
I'm Judy Bartlett, Frances's next-door neighbor.
So glad you could join our little family.
I- I don't suppose you can make any money doing this? Let me tell you.
We are putting my son through college on my commissions alone.
- Really? - And the best part of it is you don't have to invest a dime of your own money.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Good afternoon, ladies ofTarzana.
I'm Ted Warner.
And this is Bright Age! Do you know why Bright Age is one of the fastest-growing companies in the world today? - Why, Ted? - We have the best sales force in the country! - And you know why? - Why, Ted? Because nobody knows the American housewife better than the American housewife! Give yourself a hand! Now I'd like to introduce Terry Goldblume, your leading Lavender Lady.
So let's give Terry a big Bright Age welcome.
Come on, everybody! She's my other next-door neighbor.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
How did Terry do it? How did she wind up with that brand new car? Well, ladies, I'm here to tell you that I am just like you.
I'm a housewife.
I drive carpool.
I clean the oven.
Do you hear what I'm saying? - I hear ya! - Yeah! Of course, it didn't hurt that she was playing around with the head accountant.
- The one who died? - Mm-hmm.
If I can do it, you can do it too! Let's hear it for Ted Warner! Let's hear it for Bright Age! - We need to talk, Doc.
- Why? I'm running a little late.
- Come back during office hours tomorrow.
- I'm afraid this can't keep.
Just a brief stop to pick up Miss Holt's brother-in-law.
Then we'll be on our way to the airport.
Okay? Get in the car! Slight detour, gentlemen.
- Follow that car, mate.
- All right! American car chase! You're lookin' at one hell of a lawsuit, fella.
In addition to criminal charges you're lookin' at civil damages gonna make your head swim.
Dr.
Piper.
Relax.
We don't care why you took out Melcher.
We just want what he was carrying.
How many times have I gotta tell you? I'm a dentist.
I'm not a- a hit man.
Yeah, and I'm Little Bo Peep.
Let me loosen him up just a little bit, huh? Hey, the doc's a professional man.
- He'll listen to reason.
- The man just happened to end up in my trash.
Is that my fault? Actually, earlier he was on the kitchen floor.
Then my wife went to make a phone call to her sister.
When she got back- Doc! I don't care.
I didn't kill him.
I don't even know him.
- You're confusing me with another dentist.
- Right this way, gentlemen.
- Please.
In you come.
- Hey, what the hell is this? A routine inspection.
Sayonara, gentlemen.
- He had a gun.
- I noticed.
Come on.
Come on, Donald.
Come on.
! Jump.
! - I oughta stuck with the jogging.
- Come on, Donald! Come on! Jump.
Beverly Hills Cop.
Eddie Murphy, Judge Reinhold.
Paramount, 1984.
A wealthy industrialist smuggles bearer bonds concealed in shipping crates.
What are you talking about? Start ripping.
Welcome to the wonderful world of Bright Age Cosmetics.
This is Frances's very first house party so let's give her a big Bright Age hand.
Thank you all for coming on such short notice.
I'm sorry the place is such a mess.
- Oh, we need more cookies.
- Oh, I'll get them.
You go right ahead.
You're gonna do just fine.
Girls, I want to talk to you woman-to-woman about looking good for your man.
It all starts with Lavender Luster Creme.
Is this company really as good as they say? Oh, you better believe it, honey.
- You married? - I, uh- Oh, you're divorced, aren't you? - Well, I- - Hey listen, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
I mean, who isn't these days? My husband? Gone with the wind.
No alimony, no child support.
It is really tough trying to put food on the table and raise two kids.
- I don't know how we do it.
- Bright Age has turned my life around, Laura.
And you'll see, it'll do the same for you.
Ted Warner is a savior for women like us.
I heard what happened to your boyfriend.
I- It must have been a terrible shock.
I guess I'm meant to be on my own a little while longer.
At least, uh, I have my work.
- What have you got? - Mud packs.
- How 'bout you? - Skin cleanser.
No microchips, no bearer bonds.
Just cosmetics.
So much for the smuggling theory.
It was a good idea anyway.
- Oh, gee.
- What's so funny? Besides being scared to death, almost being shot and having no idea what's going on- This is the most excitement I've had since college.
Except this is-This is probably really routine stuff for you, right? One never gets used to the idea of imminent death, Donald.
I see your point.
But still, it must be something.
I mean, being Remington Steele.
Man of action, always in the thick of danger.
- You think so? - Are you kidding? Come on, what a life! The greatest risk I run is being bitten by a patient.
No.
I admire you, Steele.
I really, really do.
You know, the funny thing is - I admire you.
- Me? Uh-huh.
Because you made a commitment to one person.
- Well, to four people, in fact.
- I don't know.
There's days when I reach that freeway off-ramp I wanna just keep right on driving.
But you don't.
And that makes you more of a hero in my way of thinking.
I think we've, uh, reached the end of the line here.
Just act natural.
Quality Control.
Everything appears to be in order.
Carry on, gentlemen.
Don't look back, Donald.
Never look back.
- They're following us.
- In that case, run! That's it.
We've been over this thing a million times.
- Let's go get some dinner.
- Not until we find something.
We were quite a team, weren't we, Krebbie? That was a long time ago.
Well, maybe you better get your books audited again.
Oh! - Anything, Mildred? - Zilch.
What about you? Just a roomful of satisfied customers.
Now I may not be a detective, but I don't think there's anything wrong with Bright Age.
It seems like a perfectly wonderful company to me.
- Tell that to Felix Melcher.
- Don't be alarmed.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
- Don't be alarmed, all right? - Donald, what's wrong? - Where's Mr.
Steele? - Oh, well, he popped home to change.
We took an unexpected tour of West Covina.
- Why? - We had to.
The man had a gun.
- My Donald at gunpoint? - Nah, nah, simple kidnapping.
Nothing to be excited about.
- I thought you were going to the airport.
- This case most engrossing.
And we can always catch another plane.
We must be overlooking something.
A man has been killed, Donald has been kidnapped and there's apparently nothing wrong with Bright Age Cosmetics.
- It's not a pyramid scheme.
- It's not a smuggling operation either.
The men who abducted me-They insisted Melcher was carrying something.
- Evidence, most likely.
- But what? It would help if we could identify the kidnappers.
Excuse me, but we took pictures.
- At the warehouse? - Your One Hour Photo is very fast.
- Bless you, Mr.
- - Harimoto.
- Harimoto.
- We are not P.
I.
's for nothing.
Johnny Carson home very impressive.
Could you, uh- - Whoa, that's him! That's him right there.
- Let me see that.
Vince Delgado.
Hired gun.
- What about that other man? - Alan Hackston.
- What about that other man? - Alan Hackston.
- Top money man for the mob out here.
- You're kidding! - The mob? - In Tarzana? Frances, there's something I want to say.
- I want you to know- - You don't have to say anything, Laura.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
Frances, will you please let your little sister apologize? I'm sorry that I didn't believe you earlier.
- I suppose it wasn't very fair of me.
- No, it wasn't.
- I'm not used to being wrong.
- Especially when I'm right.
Why is it we tend to bring out the worst in each other? We were always competitive, Laura.
I know we were, Frances, but what are we competing about today? - Who's right maybe.
- Right about what? To get married or to pursue a career.
Why does either one of us have to be right? Don't you think I'd like to have a family of my own someday? I'm just like any other woman out there, trying to make the pieces fit.
I thought you had all the answers, Laura.
You always act that way.
Come on, Frances.
That's not true.
You're just so afraid I'll look down on your lifestyle.
You spend all your time with me either complaining how hard it is to be a good mother or trying to convince me I'm missing something.
Well- The fact is, neither one of us has got it all together.
- I don't know anyone who does.
- Really? Really.
What a relief.
- Oh, Terry, come in.
- I was in the neighborhood so I thought I would drop your check off.
- Oh, how thoughtful of you.
- Well, we like to keep our sales force smiling.
I didn't know your sister was here.
I have one for you too, Frances.
Oh! I've never gotten a paycheck before.
There's lots more where that came from.
Just keep up the good work.
I'll see you at the awards ceremony tonight.
- We wouldn't miss it.
Thanks so much, Terry.
- Mm-hmm.
This is terrific! - Laura, I made $200.
- That isn't right.
Oh now, don't be a spoilsport, Laura.
But you didn't sell that much more in cosmetics.
That's right.
It's almost too good to be true! That's it! Congratulations, Frances.
You've just solved the case! I did? Does this mean I have to give the money back? Papa Bear to Mama Bear.
Report.
- Mama's ready.
- Uncle Bear? - Set.
- Baby Bears? Ready to roll, big guy.
Are-Are you sure this is really necessary? Donald, unless you want to look over your shoulder every time you leave the front door we're gonna have to get these chaps right now, okay, so just- pfft! Bandit at 4:00.
Flower truck.
Looks like we've bagged 'em.
False alarm.
He's making a delivery next door.
Well, it's up to you, old man.
Now remember, they can't shoot you unless they've got the evidence.
- Okay? - I don't have the evidence.
You see? You've got absolutely nothing to worry about.
Go get the morning paper.
Go fetch.
Breathe.
To think I risked my life for this rag.
Huh? Oh.
Hmm.
Oh.
Mama Bear to Papa Bear.
I think we got a live one.
All right.
Here we go, mate.
Here we go.
No, wait a minute, wait a minute.
That's not our mailman.
- Are you sure? - Right.
Our guy doesn't come until 3:00.
In the kitchen.
Come on.
Here, take the paper.
Read the funnies.
Ah, Mildred? Mildred, pull out.
Okay? Pull out now.
- Harimoto? - We got him.
Closing in, Steele.
Get him! - Nice try, but we saw you coming a mile away.
- Postage due? Very likely story.
Where's the real postman? He retired.
Yesterday.
I'm the new guy.
Call in if you don't believe me.
Well-Well, uh, welcome to the neighborhood.
We're very possessive about our postal employees.
That's all.
Okay? Here you go.
Have a nice day and take care of yourself.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Bye-bye.
Cheerio! Bye-bye.
Donald, you can come out now! Let me out.
Hey, open up.
! Open up.
! Someone- Laura! All right, back off.
Just a sec-Just a second.
There you go.
Icy calm.
Now, listen.
What's going on here, mate? Bright Age cosmetics launders money for the mob.
- Felix Melcher found out, so you killed him.
- Baloney! I'll admit I was supposed to kill him, but Piper beat me to it.
- I keep telling you, I'm a dentist.
- Go on.
I waited all night for Melcher to show up at his girlfriend's house, but he never did.
- I don't believe you.
- Hey, we're professionals, huh? We take a certain pride in our work.
Nothin' sloppy, no loose ends.
If we made the hit, you think you'd ever find the body? Laura, the man does have a point.
If he didn't kill Felix Melcher, then who did? Thank you.
Thank you all.
And now, it gives me great pleasure to present our Lavender Lady of the Year to our very own Terry Goldblume! I hate to break up the parties, ladies, but this man here is a fraud! Bright Age Cosmetics is nothing more than a front for organized crime! I- I don't know what he's talking about, ladies.
You have been used to launder millions of dollars' worth of illegal activities.
How do you think Ted could afford to keep you so happy? Where do you think those hefty bonus checks come from? You didn't earn them.
You didn't sell enough to earn them.
Warner has been inflating your receipts to account for cash filtered through his books by the mob! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Now wait a minute.
Is there anything wrong with our cosmetics? - Yeah.
! Yeah.
! - Uh, uh, n-no.
Actually, the cosmetics are, uh, first-rate.
Have we done anything wrong? - Well, technically, no, but- - Well, then what's the problem? - Get off the stage! - Yeah! Laura, these ladies are rabid.
They're gonna tear us limb from limb.
All right, so it makes no difference where the money comes from.
Do you care that a man has been murdered? Felix Melcher was murdered in cold blood by none other than your beloved Ted Warner! No! It's ridiculous.
I didn't kill Melcher! That's crazy! Then where were you two days ago when he was killed? He was with me at 9:00! - He was with me at 11:00.
- But he was with me at 12:00! You better come with me.
You're not gonna be safe after this.
Wait a minute.
! Felix Melcher wasn't on his way to see you the morning he was killed.
He was already there! Which would account for why he wound up on Frances's floor.
You're next-door neighbors, if I remember correctly.
He confided in you, told you what he'd found out.
But you didn't react the way he expected.
You react like everyone here tonight.
You didn't want your golden bubble to burst, so you killed him! And then destroyed the evidence, because he was gonna turn it over to the I.
R.
S.
Can't you people make up your minds? First you're accusing Ted, and now you're accusing me.
Do you own a gun, Mrs.
Goldblume? For protection? Can it stand a ballistics test? Next time, keep the body in your own kitchen.
What is she talking about? - Say "sushi"! - Sushi! Yea! Thank you very much indeed.
You've been an invaluable aid to this investigation.
Okay.
Next year, you must come to Tokyo.
Yes.
Yes.
Absolutely, absolutely.
- Sayonara.
- Oh, yes.
Sayonara.
Ha? Sayonara.
They're wonderful chaps, aren't they? Yes.
How 'bout it, Krebbie? What say we become a team again? - But you're in D.
C.
now.
- So? Oh.
It's a tempting offer, but I've gotta pass.
See, I started again, Harrison.
I've got new work and new friends.
This is where I belong now.
Well, I'll just take that as a postponement and not a definite no.
You consider it anything you like.
- I'll see you, Krebbie.
- You bet.
Well, you've done it again, Steele.
And lucky for us that Laura works for such an understanding employer.
- Ohh, glad to be of service.
- Ohh! This whole experience has made me realize that it's time for me to go out and do something on my own.
So, I'm going back to school.
- Hey.
! - Fran, that's wonderful! I'm gonna be a dental hygienist.
That way, we can work together, Donald, just like Laura and Mr.
Steele.
It's a terrific idea, honey.
We'll talk about it in the car.
- Bye, Laura! - Hey, let me kiss sister! - Bye! - Thank you very, very much for everything.
- Anytime.
- Bye-bye.
Take care.
- Okay.
- See ya.
Bye-bye.
Don't you think it's a wonderful idea? We'll talk.
- I don't get it.
- Huh? I thought we wrapped that one up rather nicely.
I mean you.
The Remington Steele that walked into my life three years ago wouldn't care a fig what happened to my family.
Ah, well.
That Remington Steele's gone.
Past.
Pfft! And who's replaced him? Miss Holt, what's life without a little mystery, eh?