Rescue Me s04e13 Episode Script
Yaz
Previously on rescue me This is gonna sound so screwed up I saw a guy making a save.
It was all smokey and everything, but I caught the name on the jacket.
Jimmy goddamn keefe.
I want a divorce.
Things have gotta change around here, or I want a divorce, ok? You want a divorce? I'll give you a divorce.
You're sleeping with your new boss, and you don't want me coming around beuse you don't want him comparing himself to- - Hey.
- Hi.
Uh, bob, this is my ex, tommy gavin.
Tommy.
How you doin'? What are you-whoa, whoa, come on! My daughter's credit card, ok, and throw down $5,000? You are not going to marry my daughter, you understand? I'm not going to marry your daughter.
What are you talking about? - Listen! - Wait, wait - what? - I got her- I bought the ring for janelle here.
That's awesome.
I have to go away, just for a week or so.
I've got some interviews lined up in chicago.
Can you look after richie for me? Richie loves you.
I know he doesn't feel comfortable with anybody else.
Yeah, well, then he can stay at the center.
I would, but he's been talking about wanting to marry that barbara girl, the one in the wheelchair.
I'm worried that they're gonna run off together.
catholic school and you can't remember the shortest prayer they wrote.
All right.
I'm gonna go get her number.
We need to have a little chat.
No, we need to chow down and get it on.
I'm having some trouble with this, latrina.
Hey, if you can't, you can'T.
- Well, what are you doing? - Cleaning up this mess.
Well, wait a minute! Don't do that! I don't throw it away, what you gonna do for me? After we've done it about 10, 12 times, you know, after that initial I'll just get a little bored.
So you're basically sayin s that this relationship is kind of doomed? Well, aren't they all? Hey, give me a whiskey that big.
Jimmy, where the hell did you go, man? We're trappeover here! Jimmy, I'm coming.
I'm coming right now.
Hey! What? You want another soda? No, no, no, I'm good.
M good.
So, what about the ball game? TheAll game? Yeah, I wanna go to a ball game.
Me and you, teddy.
A yankees game? Yankees? I want to see a minor league team, single "a" ball.
You want to go to a minor league baseball game? They got a whole amusement park - right outside the outfield wall.
- Yeah, I know.
- With a rollercoaster.
- I know.
So you want to go to a minor league ballgame? Yep.
All right, I'll get tickets to a minor league game, all right? How's the not drinking thing going? It's going fine.
Good.
- You? - Horrible.
All I think about is booze and drugs.
Well, maybe if you weren't hanging arnd in a place all day that's full of both of them, you'd be better off.
You know what they say, keep your friends close- Keep your enemies closer.
Yeah.
All right.
I pray that I may live each day as though it were my last.
I pray that I may live my life as though it were everlasting.
Even though it ain'T.
Hey.
Hey! Hello? Hey.
Firefighter Awarded FDNY's Top Honor For Heroic Rescue Oh, jesus christ! yes in the back, yes.
I'm derek.
I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict.
Hi, derek.
I screwed up at work last night.
this goddamn program.
past bags of coke, half-smoked joints, full glasses of chilled vodka.
I work in a nightclub, every goddamn night for years.
and last night some chick drops a bag of blow on the bar.
Instead of saying something, I pick up the bag of coke and I grab a drink off the bar, someone's double vodka, and I slam it.
I grab another drink, go into the bathroom, and shove the whole bag up my nose.
The next think you know, I'm banging this girl.
She had an ass.
God, you had to see this girl's ass, it was perfect.
It was a michelle pfeiffer, jennifer lopez combo platter ass.
Nice.
and you know what? It was great.
It was goddamn spine-bending.
And I felt like I was in control, man.
And the way she was, moving ainst me, felt like she would have done anything I wanted.
It was the best I felt in a long, long time.
Powerful, engaged.
I was ready to goddamn roll, man.
Anywhere.
And then she came.
And that made me feel awesome, like a master, like the homerun king, you know? And just when I was about to explode I don't know.
I suddenly felt exactly the way I feel right now- low.
Lower than a snake.
The sex and the booze and the drugs, it's all just a dead-end.
I want a real goddamned thing, you know? A girlfriend, a relationship.
I want to feel the way I do about booze.
I want to get that fix from another human being.
Anyway, that was my week.
Hey, guys, I ordered some pizza, it's waiting up in the kitchen.
Mike, do me a favor, I've got to hit the head.
Would you run a slice up to my office? Yeah, sure thing, chief.
You know, I love a false alarm as much as any other firemen.
No dead kids, no burnt up grandmas, no playing peek-a-boo through the smoke for lost family pets, but I really gotta be honest with you.
I was kind of praying to the god of all pizzas thate'd have a really ripping fire so that we could get another, you know, jimmy keefe ghost sighting.
Um, I guess I'll just put it on his desk, right? Yeah, you know, guys, I've heard the rumors, you know.
And all I can say is I mean, come on.
This is not the sixth sense.
There are no ghosts roaming the halls.
Hey, lou, I saw what I saw.
No, you saw what you think you saw.
And you know, ever since I've been doing doubles with youopes, I've been watching you put away the booze, ok? Now I didn't say shit, ok, because you're still getting the job done, all right? And whatever it takes to get through the day sane is ok with me.
Now what I need to know now is who has seen the ghost of jimmy keefe? So far? The both of us and larry.
But we've each seen him a couple of times.
Yeah.
I just saw him in the bathroom, just last night.
All right, look, you know, obviously sanity has gone right out the window here, all right? So I need you guys to collect every bottle of booze thatyou've stashed away in this house and pour it down the goddamned drain.
- Do you hear me? - We did that already.
Nther one of us have had a drop in 3 days.
What? We just saw jimmy keefe in the hallway outside chief's office.
- See? - Clear as day.
Said "keefe" right on the jacket.
Ok, well, then someone's gonna have to run out, get us another bottle.
Hey!What the hell's going on here, huh? I got goddamn pizza all over my shoes.
What kind of a bullshit rookie prank is this, huh? I buy you guys pizza, this is the way you pay me back?Huh? Lou, come on in the office, now.
- Chief, wait.
- What? It wasn't a gag.
What then? - D't tell him.
- Tell me what? All right, look, chief, let's go in, ok? T was all my stupid idea.
It wasn't goddamn funny.
Look at my shoes.
- I'm sorry.
- Wait, wait, chief.
It was a ghost.
What? There's-we've all been seeing jimmy keefe's ghost.
They've seen him here in the firehouse, they've seen him on jobs.
Working inside the jobs.
You, uh you all have seen him? Lou? No, no, not yet.
Although, to be honest with you, I'm kind of looking forward to, you know, running into him.
You guys ever hear of section 8, which means you're alnutsl hmm? Never brought a guy up on a charge like that before, let alone the whole goddamned crew.
Now there's gotta be an explanation, no such thing as ghosts.
Unless of course I see jimmy keefe, in which case all off us hop into the suburban, head down to H.
Q.
, And turn ourselves into the psychiatric board.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh! The pizza's getting cold down here.
That's 6 messages I lef for her today.
How many goddamned job interviews did she have? None.
What? There's no job in chicago.
The guy she's been seeing? The ashton kutcher artist shitbag? He lives there.
So she's gonna go there for a week to see if she likes it enough to move.
I told her, "I'm not going to chicago.
I don't care what you say, natalie.
I'm gonna stay here and marry barbara and have sex with her.
Right after it's official.
" She lied to you, franco.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
that's all I owned here? And, uh, this.
- Shit.
- Thanks.
Um, I may need this for the gig tomorrow night.
You know, my dad paid for everything else, tony, including your new girriend's wedding ring.
It's an engagement ring.
- Engagement.
- Whatever.
That that ring could have been for you.
What? I - I want to get hitched.
I dig that whole, you know, let's tribe up and have kids thing, but your old man, col, he scares the shit out of me.
So my dad is the reason we're not getting married? Yeah.
That and the fact that I met this other chick.
But that would have never happened if your dad wasn't such a pain in the ass.
Oh, my god, I'm already going through little elvis withdrawal.
Ok, speaking of which, you gotta drop the elvis thing, ok? Why? Because janet's calling him something else, and I'm starting to get confused, and it's just going to lead to trouble.
Well, why? What's she calling him? She's call him wyatt.
- Not my idea, ok? - Wyatt? That's so stupid! What is he, a rodeo clown? Wyatt, as in wyatt earp, as in kevin costner's wyatt earp.
You know what a big fan of costner she is.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Did you see dancing with wolves? Did 3 of the greatest baseball movies ever made, ok? Field of dreams, classic.
Bull durham, classic.
And then- what the hell's the name of the other one? But his girlfriend tt was unbelievably hot, - she was john travolta's wife.
- That's it, ok? The best movie that kevin costner has ever done- Oh, I know exactly what you're going to say, - message in a bottle.
- Waterworld.
- Waterworld? - What-are you- He was tan, he was buff, he was delicious.
He did have a vagina in his neck, but I can take it.
Ok, so jet skis and neck vaginas, this is your idea of a great kevin costner movie? You're out of your mind.
You know, just because he looks tan and buff.
Such a chick thing.
Listen, let me just- in theory, let's just say that I was gonna give elvis a little earring.
What's the worst that could happen? Janet wou shilda turkey dinner, ok? So then we'll wait till right before thanksgiving.
All right, see you later.
Yeah? Come in.
Storage Yeah? Hey.
I'm sensing a little confusion about our situation here, so I thought it would be helpful if we got everything on the table.
The situation.
Listen, I don't want a husband.
I already had one of those, and he was a real pain in the ass.
I think, by the end, he was even wearing my underwear.
Oh, he sounds perfect.
I don't know.
I don't know what happened to men and women and good old-fashioned sex.
It's like all this intimacy bullshit and this talk about our feelings and bitching about our needs and blah, blahblah, blah, blah.
I'm sorry, it just doesn't work for m Uh-huh.
You're old school.
You want to know the truth, a little hair pulling and a little ass slapping every now and then Ok, you know what, I haven't even had time to think about pulling your hair, ok? And-and-and as far as spanking goes, we're months away from spanking, so I don't know what to tell you.
Listen, all I'm saying is this- what works for me now is one guy who will do whatever I want whenever I have the urge.
No whining, no dinner, no seeing other people.
Right.
Well, that's not really going to work for me, though.
I'm a man, I want a woman.
I finally figured i out.
That's what I want, ok? I want to come home to a woman.
I don't want you to tell me what to do.
I want you to tell me how to make you happy in bed and what's broken in the house that you need me to fix, ok? That's my deal, all right? So good luck with the urges and the no, you know, whining at all, and the underweabeing worn by the guy.
All right? I mean, it's been nice knowing you, though.
- Hey.
- He's sound asleep now.
So everything's going all right, then? Yeah.
- Yeah, it's good.
- Yeah? Yeah.
So everything'S - with bob? - Bob? - Yeah, it's great.
- Good.
So are you seeing anyone? No, no, no.
Not now.
Look, we're, um, bob's coming over for dinner.
Oh, ok.
That would explain the dress, I guess.
That'S must be going good.
Yeah.
It's good.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
You know, he reads actually the same books that I read.
He actually goes to the opera, which I didn't know I like.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
He helps around the house and with wyatt.
Let's be honest, I mean, it's always been the kid thing.
Not spending enough time with the kids, that was always the big problem.
Which is funny now.
I spend half my time driving the kid between you and colleen, so It was a bunch of things, but, tommy, you didn't learn how to change a diaper until- - Ok, because I was working- - Until katy was almost 2 years old.
We've been through this.
Ok, you're right.
You're right.
It's going nowhere.
All right.
I - I mean, you know, whatever else you want to say, I pe that you realize this it's just now th I'm starting to understand how much money I make.
Even the stuff I made under the table, I gave to you, you know, so you could buy - everything for the kids.
- Tommy, you were always generous.
Right.
What was it, the chinese guy with the designer shoes? - Jimmy choos.
- Yes.
There are certain things that you carry away from a relationship.
That's one of the things I will never begrudge you.
My jimmy choos? Yeah, because I'll tell you something some of those - just the way that they made your ass and your legs look.
I mean, if you were wearing a pair of those shoes with this dress in particular-uh I gotta go.
I hear people speak about one night stands I used to dream about one night stands, 'cause that implied actually having spent the night with someone.
What I was having was quickies.
In the morning, in the late morning, in the early afternoon.
Mega-ultra quickies.
Like, I'd order breakfast and I'd have sex with the delivery guy.
Or I'd oer up lunch and I'd go down on the delivery guy.
Different restaurants, by the way, and I never ordered from the same place twice.
Except for the mexican joint.
They had this young delivery guy who looked like erik estrada.
And then over the holidays, forget it.
You know, I went down to the corner to pick out a tree and they had these really cute young guys who'd deliver them for you.
Needless to say, my living room looked like a goddamned pine forest bythe time christmas day rolled around.
Maggie.
Maggie, wait, will you listen to me for one second? You are not an alcoholic.
Oh, no? Well, Yeah? Yeah, I went to a bar and I got shitfaced, ok? And I ended up taking home this woman who I thought looked like julianne moore, and I banged her brains out all night, ok? And I woke up the next day, and you know who she actually looked like? Tawny kitaen.
No, lucille ball.
Wait a second, tawny kitaen, she's the girl who used to go out with the guy from whitesnake and all the music videos she's like on the hot rod and all that lingerie? Yeah, that's her.
Oh, god, yeah, she's so hot.
I wish.
- Wait, why are you smiling? - I'm happy for you.
You're happy I slept with lucille ball? No, I'm happy that you had sex with someone.
I felt so guilty after all these months of not wanting to sleep with you.
So she wasn't tawny kitaen, big deal, at least you got laid! And you know what, sean, the only reason why you slept with her was to prove to me that you're a drunk, which you're not.
Because a real drunk either wouldn't have remembered doing it or would have been so ashamed and afraid, he'd do anything possible to cover up what he did, including lie through his teeth to his wife to keep her from finding out.
We are all good.
I love you, I always will.
But it's time to move on.
Bye.
You mean like really move on, or, likejust, a temporary good-bye? Hey, kid, I want to ask you something.
'Cause, you know, I respect your opinion about shit.
Yeah, sure.
What do you think of latrina? You mean the, um, heavyset black woman who's pretty much kind of moved into my apartment? Yeah, her.
What do you think? She's ok, I guess.
I don't know, she's been acting funny lately.
I'm starting to get the feeling like she don't like me anymore.
Look, mike, I, uh, did a bad thing.
What, did you piss yourself? No, no, not yet.
Oh.
No.
But you know how we were supposed to bury the hatchet over the teresa thing? I didn't really bury it as much as I kind of kicked some dirt over it.
And, you know, being The emotional I decided rather than to discuss it with you, iould go and have sex, revenge sex, with latrina.
Oh.
But I thought you don't even like black chicks.
- I made an exception.
- Yeah.
And I thought you liked them a lot slimmer than latrina.
I was really, really angry.
Ok.
Hey, pal, 2 more here.
2 more.
Wait a minute, that's it? You're not angry? You're not gonna throw a punch? Hey, it had to happen sooner or later.
It's all right.
Wait a minute.
You you asked latrina out because you knew I was gonna hit on your first girlfriend.
This one's for you, pal.
Devious 362 pound bitch that you are.
Sorry, calista flockhart.
So she finally got to you, huh? What was it, the old bedonka-donk? No, it was the triangle ravioli and the goddamn chocolate pizza.
Xcuse me? Well, she seduced me with that chocolate pizza.
One bite, I was putty in her hands.
I saw the face of god.
Boy, you think you know somebody! That lying bitch! That's a shame.
You should have tasted that pizza.
I talked to lori cunningham at rite-aid, she told me everything! She told me how the other crew's been seeing him on the rig, how he pulled someone out of a fire! - Stop, stop, stop! - No! Get off me! Stop! You goddamned liar! You're a goddamned liar! Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me? I knew this was going to happen.
Now stop.
Ok? Will you stop swinging? Ever-everybody's been seeing him! Hey, shh! Ok? The guy's shitfaced.
The whole crew's been shitfaced.
They've been seeing his name on the back of I don't know whs coat.
It's bullshit.
There's no one else in this house with that last name.
There's no one else in a house and not from manhattan wh that name, and all of his things disintegrated! I don't even have any of his damn things! Ok, ok.
Have you seen him again? Have you seen him again? No, I haven't seen him again.
I'm telling you, these guys are shitfaced.
Ok?This is why - I knew this was gonna happen.
You know? What? You need to be on medication.
I'm telling you.
This is why I didn't tell you, ok? I just want to know one thing.
- Is it because I'm a bad person? - You're not a bad person.
Because I know I've done stuff, I know I did a lot of crazy, bad things.
And what I did to you, I'm so sorry.
Stop it.
But I did it because you were the closest thing to him.
You were a version of him, and I-I wanted him.
I'm owed a visit! Even it's so I can say I'm sorry for what I did.
So I can explain.
Are you done? I'm gonna just st here.
I'm gonna stay right here until he shows me his face.
What's with all the freakin' dog bones? I'm here between-for like a week-between places.
You're staying here? Yes.
I have the dog there.
Tommy, have you seen him again? ladder You know, do it if you want.
Battalion What? Gentlemen, the winning ticket says there's an elevator stopped between floors 15 and 16.
There's 2 people trapped, and the super can see the car visible from the doors on 15.
Start there, please be careful.
- I hate these things.
- Yeah.
Guys, we got no access to the elevator shaft.
We're gonna have to go up, we're gonna have to smash a hole into the blind shaft.
- You got that, slaggy? - Yeah, I got it.
All right, good.
Let's go make a mess.
It's 15 flights up, by the way.
- What?! - You're kidding, right? Yeah.
Do I look like I'm kidding? - Tighter.
- Ll right, it's tight.
Tighter.
Last time I had thisuch rope near my balls, I was aring a leather mask, gettin' my ass paddled.
Oh, yeah, s&m club? No, it's thanksgiving about 5 years ago.
Easy.
Here we go.
Easy, easy, easy.
Got him, got him.
Wanna grab the groceries? Of course, the groceries.
Ok.
Oh.
All right.
Wow.
Holy it.
You want to go again? Must you be such an asshole? What's a matter with you? You're not afraid of heights.
No, claustrophobia, remember? Oh, yeah.
My dad here? Oh, uh, no, I haven't seen him.
Should I leave a message or something? Yeah.
Tell him he ruined my goddamned life.
I hate his guts.
I hope his soul rots in hell.
Are you gonna write this down? I'm pretty sure I ain't gonna forget this.
Ruined your life, rot in hell, hate his guts.
Yeah, I got it.
Anything else? Yeah.
Ok, tell him never, ever, ever, ever, ever to call me ever again! You sure about that? Sorry.
Bastard really gets under your skin, don't he? You have no idea.
Oh, I think I do.
Thanks.
See you around.
What are you doing here? Excuse me.
I thought that you said that we weren't seeing each other anymore.
Why don't you just make yourself right at home?Come on in.
Hey! Hey, excuse mewhat do you thk you're doing? What, are you kidding me? I don't go to your house and throw your shit all over the place.
Are you look - why don't you tell me what you're looking for? - You know what? - What are you doing? Put that one on.
These are really nice shoes.
I'd really prefer you didn't - what? Put those on.
I'll meet you downstairs.
You want to tell me what's going on? I'm hungry.
So? Start cooking.
You want me to cook for you? Yep.
Take your hair down, by the way.
All right.
That's for you to drink.
That's for me torink d there you go.
All right? Once you're done cooking the steaks, and I have eaten, then I'm gonna lay you across this table and make love to you.
I just have one question.
How do you like your meat? There it is, dad.
Just like you asked for.
Minor league baseball at its best.
All right, so we got 3 up here and then we got 2 more down there.
So me and my old man will take the 2 down there, all right? Me and your old man will sit down there, you guys take these three.
What are you talkin' about? Well, why do you get the good seats? What do you mean, why do I get the good seats? - Seniority.
- We're old.
And fat.
Hey, you're no swimsuit model, either, you know.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
All right, you know what? This is a special day for me and my dadok? , 'Re gonna - it's like a field of dreams thing, right, dad? We're gonna sit down there, me and him,like, like, uh, uh, kevin costner and james earl jones, we're gonna have a field of dreams bonding thing.
- Ok, you do that.
Have fun.
- All right? Right, dad? - Hello.
- Hey, nat, it's me.
Hey.
I've been meaning to get back to you.
It's just been crazy here.
- How's richie? - Oh, he's great.
You know, we're having a great time.
Everything good in chicago? Franco, I haven't been, uh, 100% honest with you.
You're there with your new boyfriend.
I know.
You know? Yeah, richie let it slip.
It's cool.
It's cool? I mean, hey, you know, you need some time to figure things out.
I understand that.
I've been there.
Last thing I want to do is pile on the pressure, so I don't know.
You know, I love you, natalie.
I want you to have all the space and time you need to make the decision that's right for you, so stay in chicago as long as you need to.
Do whatever it is you gotta do.
And, you know, when you get back to new york, if you still want me, I'll be waiting.
Ok? Wow, franco.
That's, um that's the sweetest, dearest thing you've ever said to me.
So, um yeah, I guess I'll just keep an eye on richie and talk to you when you get backyeah? Give him my love.
And take somfor yourself, ok? And, fnco.
Ra Thank you for being so understanding.
Hey, whatever it takes, babe.
All right, bye.
- Nice ballpark.
- I know.
- Who needs brooklyn, right? - Yeah.
Ah, come on! Beer here.
Jesus, what are these, the midget seats? My god, now I know why they call yankee stadium the house that ruth built.
Those seats are big enough for giant fat asses like mine.
This is a minor league seat, I got a major league ass.
Beer here.
These guys are killing me.
Hey, pal, will you give it a break? I'm an alcoholic! So am I.
Go call your sponsor.
I know what you're doing, jesus.
You're testing me, right? Surrounding me with temptation just to see how I'll respond? I'll show you.
I can be strong.
I can do it.
Beer here.
Ah, hell! Hey, you.
Over here.
How many? How much for the whole tray? It's a bk teuc Tell you what.
I'll give you 200, you stay the hell out of this section.
Deal.
Beers for everyonE.
Pass it around.
Thanks, ted.
Everybody, everybody.
Everybody but me.
Look at the size of that screen in left field, dad, huh? It's probably as high as the, uh, green monster in fenway, right? Yeah.
Makes me think of yaz.
Yeah.
- Carl yastrzemski - Carl yastrzemski, the man they call yaz, - we love him - We love him - That song sucked.
- Yeah.
Horrible song.
Who invented that song? I think it was probably yaz's mom.
You know the only thing I hate about watching games live? Going to the men's room? Yeah, ok, well, 2 things.
It's just so slow, you know? It's like you're sittin' there half the time just waitin' for something to happen.
It's ridiculous.
It's like work.
It's like life.
Actually, baseball's the perfect metaphor for life.
I read something like that in a book once.
You read a book? Well-well, no.
It was one of those hbo documentaries.
Bob costas hosted it.
- He's a midget.
- Is he really? Well, close to it.
He could fit 2 of his asses in tse shets.
Anyy, bwaeball and life, one and the same.
Everyby saod that life is too short.
Bullshit.
Life, unless you get cancer or hit by a bus or set on fire, it takes forever.
Just like baseball.
It's a series of long, mind-bogglingly boring stretches of time where absolutely nothing happens.
So, you take a nap.
And then, after a little while, when that crisp crack of a bat hitting the ball, so crisp you could almost smell that wood burning, jolts you awake and you open your eyes to see something so exciting and intricate and possibly very, very meaningful has just happenedbut you missed it because you were just so goddamn bored in the first place.
You know, a couple of hot dogs, throw in some beers, the occasional blow job, and that's that.
What happened? You know, these guys got a couple more runs, - it's basically over.
- Yeah, I know.
It was all smokey and everything, but I caught the name on the jacket.
Jimmy goddamn keefe.
I want a divorce.
Things have gotta change around here, or I want a divorce, ok? You want a divorce? I'll give you a divorce.
You're sleeping with your new boss, and you don't want me coming around beuse you don't want him comparing himself to- - Hey.
- Hi.
Uh, bob, this is my ex, tommy gavin.
Tommy.
How you doin'? What are you-whoa, whoa, come on! My daughter's credit card, ok, and throw down $5,000? You are not going to marry my daughter, you understand? I'm not going to marry your daughter.
What are you talking about? - Listen! - Wait, wait - what? - I got her- I bought the ring for janelle here.
That's awesome.
I have to go away, just for a week or so.
I've got some interviews lined up in chicago.
Can you look after richie for me? Richie loves you.
I know he doesn't feel comfortable with anybody else.
Yeah, well, then he can stay at the center.
I would, but he's been talking about wanting to marry that barbara girl, the one in the wheelchair.
I'm worried that they're gonna run off together.
catholic school and you can't remember the shortest prayer they wrote.
All right.
I'm gonna go get her number.
We need to have a little chat.
No, we need to chow down and get it on.
I'm having some trouble with this, latrina.
Hey, if you can't, you can'T.
- Well, what are you doing? - Cleaning up this mess.
Well, wait a minute! Don't do that! I don't throw it away, what you gonna do for me? After we've done it about 10, 12 times, you know, after that initial I'll just get a little bored.
So you're basically sayin s that this relationship is kind of doomed? Well, aren't they all? Hey, give me a whiskey that big.
Jimmy, where the hell did you go, man? We're trappeover here! Jimmy, I'm coming.
I'm coming right now.
Hey! What? You want another soda? No, no, no, I'm good.
M good.
So, what about the ball game? TheAll game? Yeah, I wanna go to a ball game.
Me and you, teddy.
A yankees game? Yankees? I want to see a minor league team, single "a" ball.
You want to go to a minor league baseball game? They got a whole amusement park - right outside the outfield wall.
- Yeah, I know.
- With a rollercoaster.
- I know.
So you want to go to a minor league ballgame? Yep.
All right, I'll get tickets to a minor league game, all right? How's the not drinking thing going? It's going fine.
Good.
- You? - Horrible.
All I think about is booze and drugs.
Well, maybe if you weren't hanging arnd in a place all day that's full of both of them, you'd be better off.
You know what they say, keep your friends close- Keep your enemies closer.
Yeah.
All right.
I pray that I may live each day as though it were my last.
I pray that I may live my life as though it were everlasting.
Even though it ain'T.
Hey.
Hey! Hello? Hey.
Firefighter Awarded FDNY's Top Honor For Heroic Rescue Oh, jesus christ! yes in the back, yes.
I'm derek.
I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict.
Hi, derek.
I screwed up at work last night.
this goddamn program.
past bags of coke, half-smoked joints, full glasses of chilled vodka.
I work in a nightclub, every goddamn night for years.
and last night some chick drops a bag of blow on the bar.
Instead of saying something, I pick up the bag of coke and I grab a drink off the bar, someone's double vodka, and I slam it.
I grab another drink, go into the bathroom, and shove the whole bag up my nose.
The next think you know, I'm banging this girl.
She had an ass.
God, you had to see this girl's ass, it was perfect.
It was a michelle pfeiffer, jennifer lopez combo platter ass.
Nice.
and you know what? It was great.
It was goddamn spine-bending.
And I felt like I was in control, man.
And the way she was, moving ainst me, felt like she would have done anything I wanted.
It was the best I felt in a long, long time.
Powerful, engaged.
I was ready to goddamn roll, man.
Anywhere.
And then she came.
And that made me feel awesome, like a master, like the homerun king, you know? And just when I was about to explode I don't know.
I suddenly felt exactly the way I feel right now- low.
Lower than a snake.
The sex and the booze and the drugs, it's all just a dead-end.
I want a real goddamned thing, you know? A girlfriend, a relationship.
I want to feel the way I do about booze.
I want to get that fix from another human being.
Anyway, that was my week.
Hey, guys, I ordered some pizza, it's waiting up in the kitchen.
Mike, do me a favor, I've got to hit the head.
Would you run a slice up to my office? Yeah, sure thing, chief.
You know, I love a false alarm as much as any other firemen.
No dead kids, no burnt up grandmas, no playing peek-a-boo through the smoke for lost family pets, but I really gotta be honest with you.
I was kind of praying to the god of all pizzas thate'd have a really ripping fire so that we could get another, you know, jimmy keefe ghost sighting.
Um, I guess I'll just put it on his desk, right? Yeah, you know, guys, I've heard the rumors, you know.
And all I can say is I mean, come on.
This is not the sixth sense.
There are no ghosts roaming the halls.
Hey, lou, I saw what I saw.
No, you saw what you think you saw.
And you know, ever since I've been doing doubles with youopes, I've been watching you put away the booze, ok? Now I didn't say shit, ok, because you're still getting the job done, all right? And whatever it takes to get through the day sane is ok with me.
Now what I need to know now is who has seen the ghost of jimmy keefe? So far? The both of us and larry.
But we've each seen him a couple of times.
Yeah.
I just saw him in the bathroom, just last night.
All right, look, you know, obviously sanity has gone right out the window here, all right? So I need you guys to collect every bottle of booze thatyou've stashed away in this house and pour it down the goddamned drain.
- Do you hear me? - We did that already.
Nther one of us have had a drop in 3 days.
What? We just saw jimmy keefe in the hallway outside chief's office.
- See? - Clear as day.
Said "keefe" right on the jacket.
Ok, well, then someone's gonna have to run out, get us another bottle.
Hey!What the hell's going on here, huh? I got goddamn pizza all over my shoes.
What kind of a bullshit rookie prank is this, huh? I buy you guys pizza, this is the way you pay me back?Huh? Lou, come on in the office, now.
- Chief, wait.
- What? It wasn't a gag.
What then? - D't tell him.
- Tell me what? All right, look, chief, let's go in, ok? T was all my stupid idea.
It wasn't goddamn funny.
Look at my shoes.
- I'm sorry.
- Wait, wait, chief.
It was a ghost.
What? There's-we've all been seeing jimmy keefe's ghost.
They've seen him here in the firehouse, they've seen him on jobs.
Working inside the jobs.
You, uh you all have seen him? Lou? No, no, not yet.
Although, to be honest with you, I'm kind of looking forward to, you know, running into him.
You guys ever hear of section 8, which means you're alnutsl hmm? Never brought a guy up on a charge like that before, let alone the whole goddamned crew.
Now there's gotta be an explanation, no such thing as ghosts.
Unless of course I see jimmy keefe, in which case all off us hop into the suburban, head down to H.
Q.
, And turn ourselves into the psychiatric board.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh! The pizza's getting cold down here.
That's 6 messages I lef for her today.
How many goddamned job interviews did she have? None.
What? There's no job in chicago.
The guy she's been seeing? The ashton kutcher artist shitbag? He lives there.
So she's gonna go there for a week to see if she likes it enough to move.
I told her, "I'm not going to chicago.
I don't care what you say, natalie.
I'm gonna stay here and marry barbara and have sex with her.
Right after it's official.
" She lied to you, franco.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
that's all I owned here? And, uh, this.
- Shit.
- Thanks.
Um, I may need this for the gig tomorrow night.
You know, my dad paid for everything else, tony, including your new girriend's wedding ring.
It's an engagement ring.
- Engagement.
- Whatever.
That that ring could have been for you.
What? I - I want to get hitched.
I dig that whole, you know, let's tribe up and have kids thing, but your old man, col, he scares the shit out of me.
So my dad is the reason we're not getting married? Yeah.
That and the fact that I met this other chick.
But that would have never happened if your dad wasn't such a pain in the ass.
Oh, my god, I'm already going through little elvis withdrawal.
Ok, speaking of which, you gotta drop the elvis thing, ok? Why? Because janet's calling him something else, and I'm starting to get confused, and it's just going to lead to trouble.
Well, why? What's she calling him? She's call him wyatt.
- Not my idea, ok? - Wyatt? That's so stupid! What is he, a rodeo clown? Wyatt, as in wyatt earp, as in kevin costner's wyatt earp.
You know what a big fan of costner she is.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Did you see dancing with wolves? Did 3 of the greatest baseball movies ever made, ok? Field of dreams, classic.
Bull durham, classic.
And then- what the hell's the name of the other one? But his girlfriend tt was unbelievably hot, - she was john travolta's wife.
- That's it, ok? The best movie that kevin costner has ever done- Oh, I know exactly what you're going to say, - message in a bottle.
- Waterworld.
- Waterworld? - What-are you- He was tan, he was buff, he was delicious.
He did have a vagina in his neck, but I can take it.
Ok, so jet skis and neck vaginas, this is your idea of a great kevin costner movie? You're out of your mind.
You know, just because he looks tan and buff.
Such a chick thing.
Listen, let me just- in theory, let's just say that I was gonna give elvis a little earring.
What's the worst that could happen? Janet wou shilda turkey dinner, ok? So then we'll wait till right before thanksgiving.
All right, see you later.
Yeah? Come in.
Storage Yeah? Hey.
I'm sensing a little confusion about our situation here, so I thought it would be helpful if we got everything on the table.
The situation.
Listen, I don't want a husband.
I already had one of those, and he was a real pain in the ass.
I think, by the end, he was even wearing my underwear.
Oh, he sounds perfect.
I don't know.
I don't know what happened to men and women and good old-fashioned sex.
It's like all this intimacy bullshit and this talk about our feelings and bitching about our needs and blah, blahblah, blah, blah.
I'm sorry, it just doesn't work for m Uh-huh.
You're old school.
You want to know the truth, a little hair pulling and a little ass slapping every now and then Ok, you know what, I haven't even had time to think about pulling your hair, ok? And-and-and as far as spanking goes, we're months away from spanking, so I don't know what to tell you.
Listen, all I'm saying is this- what works for me now is one guy who will do whatever I want whenever I have the urge.
No whining, no dinner, no seeing other people.
Right.
Well, that's not really going to work for me, though.
I'm a man, I want a woman.
I finally figured i out.
That's what I want, ok? I want to come home to a woman.
I don't want you to tell me what to do.
I want you to tell me how to make you happy in bed and what's broken in the house that you need me to fix, ok? That's my deal, all right? So good luck with the urges and the no, you know, whining at all, and the underweabeing worn by the guy.
All right? I mean, it's been nice knowing you, though.
- Hey.
- He's sound asleep now.
So everything's going all right, then? Yeah.
- Yeah, it's good.
- Yeah? Yeah.
So everything'S - with bob? - Bob? - Yeah, it's great.
- Good.
So are you seeing anyone? No, no, no.
Not now.
Look, we're, um, bob's coming over for dinner.
Oh, ok.
That would explain the dress, I guess.
That'S must be going good.
Yeah.
It's good.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
You know, he reads actually the same books that I read.
He actually goes to the opera, which I didn't know I like.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
He helps around the house and with wyatt.
Let's be honest, I mean, it's always been the kid thing.
Not spending enough time with the kids, that was always the big problem.
Which is funny now.
I spend half my time driving the kid between you and colleen, so It was a bunch of things, but, tommy, you didn't learn how to change a diaper until- - Ok, because I was working- - Until katy was almost 2 years old.
We've been through this.
Ok, you're right.
You're right.
It's going nowhere.
All right.
I - I mean, you know, whatever else you want to say, I pe that you realize this it's just now th I'm starting to understand how much money I make.
Even the stuff I made under the table, I gave to you, you know, so you could buy - everything for the kids.
- Tommy, you were always generous.
Right.
What was it, the chinese guy with the designer shoes? - Jimmy choos.
- Yes.
There are certain things that you carry away from a relationship.
That's one of the things I will never begrudge you.
My jimmy choos? Yeah, because I'll tell you something some of those - just the way that they made your ass and your legs look.
I mean, if you were wearing a pair of those shoes with this dress in particular-uh I gotta go.
I hear people speak about one night stands I used to dream about one night stands, 'cause that implied actually having spent the night with someone.
What I was having was quickies.
In the morning, in the late morning, in the early afternoon.
Mega-ultra quickies.
Like, I'd order breakfast and I'd have sex with the delivery guy.
Or I'd oer up lunch and I'd go down on the delivery guy.
Different restaurants, by the way, and I never ordered from the same place twice.
Except for the mexican joint.
They had this young delivery guy who looked like erik estrada.
And then over the holidays, forget it.
You know, I went down to the corner to pick out a tree and they had these really cute young guys who'd deliver them for you.
Needless to say, my living room looked like a goddamned pine forest bythe time christmas day rolled around.
Maggie.
Maggie, wait, will you listen to me for one second? You are not an alcoholic.
Oh, no? Well, Yeah? Yeah, I went to a bar and I got shitfaced, ok? And I ended up taking home this woman who I thought looked like julianne moore, and I banged her brains out all night, ok? And I woke up the next day, and you know who she actually looked like? Tawny kitaen.
No, lucille ball.
Wait a second, tawny kitaen, she's the girl who used to go out with the guy from whitesnake and all the music videos she's like on the hot rod and all that lingerie? Yeah, that's her.
Oh, god, yeah, she's so hot.
I wish.
- Wait, why are you smiling? - I'm happy for you.
You're happy I slept with lucille ball? No, I'm happy that you had sex with someone.
I felt so guilty after all these months of not wanting to sleep with you.
So she wasn't tawny kitaen, big deal, at least you got laid! And you know what, sean, the only reason why you slept with her was to prove to me that you're a drunk, which you're not.
Because a real drunk either wouldn't have remembered doing it or would have been so ashamed and afraid, he'd do anything possible to cover up what he did, including lie through his teeth to his wife to keep her from finding out.
We are all good.
I love you, I always will.
But it's time to move on.
Bye.
You mean like really move on, or, likejust, a temporary good-bye? Hey, kid, I want to ask you something.
'Cause, you know, I respect your opinion about shit.
Yeah, sure.
What do you think of latrina? You mean the, um, heavyset black woman who's pretty much kind of moved into my apartment? Yeah, her.
What do you think? She's ok, I guess.
I don't know, she's been acting funny lately.
I'm starting to get the feeling like she don't like me anymore.
Look, mike, I, uh, did a bad thing.
What, did you piss yourself? No, no, not yet.
Oh.
No.
But you know how we were supposed to bury the hatchet over the teresa thing? I didn't really bury it as much as I kind of kicked some dirt over it.
And, you know, being The emotional I decided rather than to discuss it with you, iould go and have sex, revenge sex, with latrina.
Oh.
But I thought you don't even like black chicks.
- I made an exception.
- Yeah.
And I thought you liked them a lot slimmer than latrina.
I was really, really angry.
Ok.
Hey, pal, 2 more here.
2 more.
Wait a minute, that's it? You're not angry? You're not gonna throw a punch? Hey, it had to happen sooner or later.
It's all right.
Wait a minute.
You you asked latrina out because you knew I was gonna hit on your first girlfriend.
This one's for you, pal.
Devious 362 pound bitch that you are.
Sorry, calista flockhart.
So she finally got to you, huh? What was it, the old bedonka-donk? No, it was the triangle ravioli and the goddamn chocolate pizza.
Xcuse me? Well, she seduced me with that chocolate pizza.
One bite, I was putty in her hands.
I saw the face of god.
Boy, you think you know somebody! That lying bitch! That's a shame.
You should have tasted that pizza.
I talked to lori cunningham at rite-aid, she told me everything! She told me how the other crew's been seeing him on the rig, how he pulled someone out of a fire! - Stop, stop, stop! - No! Get off me! Stop! You goddamned liar! You're a goddamned liar! Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me? I knew this was going to happen.
Now stop.
Ok? Will you stop swinging? Ever-everybody's been seeing him! Hey, shh! Ok? The guy's shitfaced.
The whole crew's been shitfaced.
They've been seeing his name on the back of I don't know whs coat.
It's bullshit.
There's no one else in this house with that last name.
There's no one else in a house and not from manhattan wh that name, and all of his things disintegrated! I don't even have any of his damn things! Ok, ok.
Have you seen him again? Have you seen him again? No, I haven't seen him again.
I'm telling you, these guys are shitfaced.
Ok?This is why - I knew this was gonna happen.
You know? What? You need to be on medication.
I'm telling you.
This is why I didn't tell you, ok? I just want to know one thing.
- Is it because I'm a bad person? - You're not a bad person.
Because I know I've done stuff, I know I did a lot of crazy, bad things.
And what I did to you, I'm so sorry.
Stop it.
But I did it because you were the closest thing to him.
You were a version of him, and I-I wanted him.
I'm owed a visit! Even it's so I can say I'm sorry for what I did.
So I can explain.
Are you done? I'm gonna just st here.
I'm gonna stay right here until he shows me his face.
What's with all the freakin' dog bones? I'm here between-for like a week-between places.
You're staying here? Yes.
I have the dog there.
Tommy, have you seen him again? ladder You know, do it if you want.
Battalion What? Gentlemen, the winning ticket says there's an elevator stopped between floors 15 and 16.
There's 2 people trapped, and the super can see the car visible from the doors on 15.
Start there, please be careful.
- I hate these things.
- Yeah.
Guys, we got no access to the elevator shaft.
We're gonna have to go up, we're gonna have to smash a hole into the blind shaft.
- You got that, slaggy? - Yeah, I got it.
All right, good.
Let's go make a mess.
It's 15 flights up, by the way.
- What?! - You're kidding, right? Yeah.
Do I look like I'm kidding? - Tighter.
- Ll right, it's tight.
Tighter.
Last time I had thisuch rope near my balls, I was aring a leather mask, gettin' my ass paddled.
Oh, yeah, s&m club? No, it's thanksgiving about 5 years ago.
Easy.
Here we go.
Easy, easy, easy.
Got him, got him.
Wanna grab the groceries? Of course, the groceries.
Ok.
Oh.
All right.
Wow.
Holy it.
You want to go again? Must you be such an asshole? What's a matter with you? You're not afraid of heights.
No, claustrophobia, remember? Oh, yeah.
My dad here? Oh, uh, no, I haven't seen him.
Should I leave a message or something? Yeah.
Tell him he ruined my goddamned life.
I hate his guts.
I hope his soul rots in hell.
Are you gonna write this down? I'm pretty sure I ain't gonna forget this.
Ruined your life, rot in hell, hate his guts.
Yeah, I got it.
Anything else? Yeah.
Ok, tell him never, ever, ever, ever, ever to call me ever again! You sure about that? Sorry.
Bastard really gets under your skin, don't he? You have no idea.
Oh, I think I do.
Thanks.
See you around.
What are you doing here? Excuse me.
I thought that you said that we weren't seeing each other anymore.
Why don't you just make yourself right at home?Come on in.
Hey! Hey, excuse mewhat do you thk you're doing? What, are you kidding me? I don't go to your house and throw your shit all over the place.
Are you look - why don't you tell me what you're looking for? - You know what? - What are you doing? Put that one on.
These are really nice shoes.
I'd really prefer you didn't - what? Put those on.
I'll meet you downstairs.
You want to tell me what's going on? I'm hungry.
So? Start cooking.
You want me to cook for you? Yep.
Take your hair down, by the way.
All right.
That's for you to drink.
That's for me torink d there you go.
All right? Once you're done cooking the steaks, and I have eaten, then I'm gonna lay you across this table and make love to you.
I just have one question.
How do you like your meat? There it is, dad.
Just like you asked for.
Minor league baseball at its best.
All right, so we got 3 up here and then we got 2 more down there.
So me and my old man will take the 2 down there, all right? Me and your old man will sit down there, you guys take these three.
What are you talkin' about? Well, why do you get the good seats? What do you mean, why do I get the good seats? - Seniority.
- We're old.
And fat.
Hey, you're no swimsuit model, either, you know.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
All right, you know what? This is a special day for me and my dadok? , 'Re gonna - it's like a field of dreams thing, right, dad? We're gonna sit down there, me and him,like, like, uh, uh, kevin costner and james earl jones, we're gonna have a field of dreams bonding thing.
- Ok, you do that.
Have fun.
- All right? Right, dad? - Hello.
- Hey, nat, it's me.
Hey.
I've been meaning to get back to you.
It's just been crazy here.
- How's richie? - Oh, he's great.
You know, we're having a great time.
Everything good in chicago? Franco, I haven't been, uh, 100% honest with you.
You're there with your new boyfriend.
I know.
You know? Yeah, richie let it slip.
It's cool.
It's cool? I mean, hey, you know, you need some time to figure things out.
I understand that.
I've been there.
Last thing I want to do is pile on the pressure, so I don't know.
You know, I love you, natalie.
I want you to have all the space and time you need to make the decision that's right for you, so stay in chicago as long as you need to.
Do whatever it is you gotta do.
And, you know, when you get back to new york, if you still want me, I'll be waiting.
Ok? Wow, franco.
That's, um that's the sweetest, dearest thing you've ever said to me.
So, um yeah, I guess I'll just keep an eye on richie and talk to you when you get backyeah? Give him my love.
And take somfor yourself, ok? And, fnco.
Ra Thank you for being so understanding.
Hey, whatever it takes, babe.
All right, bye.
- Nice ballpark.
- I know.
- Who needs brooklyn, right? - Yeah.
Ah, come on! Beer here.
Jesus, what are these, the midget seats? My god, now I know why they call yankee stadium the house that ruth built.
Those seats are big enough for giant fat asses like mine.
This is a minor league seat, I got a major league ass.
Beer here.
These guys are killing me.
Hey, pal, will you give it a break? I'm an alcoholic! So am I.
Go call your sponsor.
I know what you're doing, jesus.
You're testing me, right? Surrounding me with temptation just to see how I'll respond? I'll show you.
I can be strong.
I can do it.
Beer here.
Ah, hell! Hey, you.
Over here.
How many? How much for the whole tray? It's a bk teuc Tell you what.
I'll give you 200, you stay the hell out of this section.
Deal.
Beers for everyonE.
Pass it around.
Thanks, ted.
Everybody, everybody.
Everybody but me.
Look at the size of that screen in left field, dad, huh? It's probably as high as the, uh, green monster in fenway, right? Yeah.
Makes me think of yaz.
Yeah.
- Carl yastrzemski - Carl yastrzemski, the man they call yaz, - we love him - We love him - That song sucked.
- Yeah.
Horrible song.
Who invented that song? I think it was probably yaz's mom.
You know the only thing I hate about watching games live? Going to the men's room? Yeah, ok, well, 2 things.
It's just so slow, you know? It's like you're sittin' there half the time just waitin' for something to happen.
It's ridiculous.
It's like work.
It's like life.
Actually, baseball's the perfect metaphor for life.
I read something like that in a book once.
You read a book? Well-well, no.
It was one of those hbo documentaries.
Bob costas hosted it.
- He's a midget.
- Is he really? Well, close to it.
He could fit 2 of his asses in tse shets.
Anyy, bwaeball and life, one and the same.
Everyby saod that life is too short.
Bullshit.
Life, unless you get cancer or hit by a bus or set on fire, it takes forever.
Just like baseball.
It's a series of long, mind-bogglingly boring stretches of time where absolutely nothing happens.
So, you take a nap.
And then, after a little while, when that crisp crack of a bat hitting the ball, so crisp you could almost smell that wood burning, jolts you awake and you open your eyes to see something so exciting and intricate and possibly very, very meaningful has just happenedbut you missed it because you were just so goddamn bored in the first place.
You know, a couple of hot dogs, throw in some beers, the occasional blow job, and that's that.
What happened? You know, these guys got a couple more runs, - it's basically over.
- Yeah, I know.