The Cleveland Show s04e13 Episode Script
4APS11 - A Rodent Like This
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
You've got three seconds to tell me where the dirty bomb is gonna go off.
Or your knick-knacks get paddy-wacked.
No! Miss Donna, Rallo's hitting Larry in his leopard nards.
Hi! Rallo, I let you watch one weekend-long Spike TV James Bond marathon and Is that my .
45 taped to your back? Put this back under my side of the bed and leave Cleveland's son alone.
He is a guest in our house.
Thank you.
And, Cleveland, I need you to get these boys dressed, put the leaf in the table, set the table and make some dinner to put on the table because I need well over an hour to get ready.
My mother's coming over.
Again? But I just got the boys dressed, put the leaf in the table, set the table and made some dinner to put on the table yesterday.
My mother was gone for 42 years, Cleveland.
And I'd appreciate you taking on a little extra work so she and I can continue to bond.
James Bond.
My human nards! I gave that baby up, too.
Oh, Mama, you're hilarious.
Now, is there a history of clinical depression in our family? 'Cause lately I Uh, decaf.
Sure, Donna, I'll just get you a new cup.
Oh, Cleveland, could you clean that up? Come on, Mama, you and I can go in the basement.
I want to show you the coats I wear when it's cold.
And I brought this Lego Martin Scorsese for us to put together.
That'll take all night.
Oh, and, Cleveland, do everything.
You can't leave me up here with all the work.
You're not even good at Legos.
You force them! Da na-na-na na-na na-na na-na Watch our for the spy Da na-na-na na-na na na-na He's watching you Secret stuff going on Da na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na I wish I was I was Sean Connery and you were a woman so I could hit you.
Mm-hmm.
I get it.
You're a secret agent, too.
Very funny.
So what's in the briefcase? Come on, Spy Who Loved Pizza.
What's in it? A squirt gun, X-ray specs, extra fat? You got your spy business; I got mine.
Pshh.
Whatevs.
I don't care.
So, Roberta, you know any new dances? Yeah, the Hucklebuck.
Huck, huck, huck, huck.
Huck, huck, huck, huck.
Huck, huck, huck, huck.
Just tell me what's in it! Is it believable that I didn't hear her? Nah, I better go.
Pretty loud.
What? Oh, my God, Mr.
Scorsese.
Oh, I'm your biggest fan.
Shark Tale changed my life.
Cleveland, we saw a rat the size of an all-wheel-drive, wagon-style minivan.
Weirdly specific.
No payoff.
Where? Behind the heating unit.
I hate rats, Cleveland.
I hate their chilly little, third-trimester fetus hands.
Needlessly controversial.
Could have just said little hands.
Just kill that red-ass mouse! Filthy stupid awful lice-ridden varmint.
Please don't let this be toilet water! Did you kill it? Nope.
All right, that's all I need to hear.
I saw Contagion.
You all are sleeping at my house tonight.
Oh, Mama, thank you.
Kids, in the car now! Empty the cheese out of your pockets, everybody.
All of it.
Bonjour.
Uh-uh, you got to kill that rat.
I don't care if you trap it, stab it or put it in a hoodie and sent it to Florida.
Just call me when you got a corpse.
Until then, we'll be staying at my mom's house.
Cheese? Get out of my house.
I bash your skull in, and I get my family back.
My loud kids, my wife and mother-in-law.
Wait on them hand and foot, lose my privacy, having to go to the bathroom while my son's taking a shower asking me a bunch of weird questions about his weird puberty body.
All just as soon as I kill you! Yeah, Donna, I ain't seen hide nor hair of him.
But I know you and the kids won't come back until he's gone.
I'm on it.
I'm not on it.
I'm keeping you alive, but don't tell Donna.
And watch out for that rat poison.
Oh, I guess you'd just call it poison.
Do you do stand-up comedy? 'Cause if you do, that joke is mine.
I mean it! And I put out rat poison for him, and I'm like, he probably just calls it poison.
Too smart for the room.
Well, Dee Dee, I have to tell you, that meat loaf was okay.
But now that I've got a belly full of garbage, I'm going to get home and kill that rat.
The kids and I have been here for two days.
Just call an exterminator.
In this economy?! No.
Besides, if you Google "reasons not to call exterminator," it may say they use harmful chemicals, and Junior's already developed an armpit hand from his antiperspirant.
Cleveland Brown is getting drunk Getting drunk, getting drunk Family's gone, I'm getting drunk With no pants on.
Ah, keys.
What? He's he's waiting for me, like a dog.
Rock Hudson never waits for me.
He's Rallo's dog.
Rallo's my stepson, Donna's son.
Donna's my wife.
Anyway, I was never allowed to have a pet.
Dad, I found a dog.
Can I keep him? You know the rule: if you can beat him in a fight.
Maybe you could be the pet I never had.
I'm going to name you after that Today Show guy.
Rat Lauer.
Because you've got a pointy face, spiky little hair, and word has it you're a real cheese hound.
Bristly.
Roberta's in on it, too.
I need to get a closer look.
Aha! Hey, look at me-- I'm Frederick Douglass.
There is nothing good, great or desirable that does not come by some kind of labor.
Look it up, ignorant kids.
Bah! So, he told you? What's in the briefcase? Rallo, listen up.
I'm only gonna shriek this once.
What's in that briefcase is not a five-year-old's concern.
Drop it now.
I'm gonna go practice my Hucklebuck.
Huck, huck, huck, huck I will find out what's in that briefcase if it kills me.
Or Junior.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Oh! Oh, please, forgive me.
Please forgive me.
Oh, walking a dog? Where'd you get that idea? From everybody? What, you've never seen a black man in a pink robe walking a rat? Morning, Mama.
Look what I rented.
Let's go make people wonder if we're shooting a commercial.
Hey, honey.
Was that this morning we were going riding? Oh, because I just booked two weeks singing at a supper club in St.
Louis, and I've got to leave in five minutes, so you all have got to get out of my house.
But you said we could stay as long Not without me here.
It's like my niece Ernestine used to say: "Let a hitchhiker take a bath in your tub? I don't think so.
" You're leaving me again.
This is exactly what you did to me when I was a baby.
I don't see it.
You are choosing the road over Forget it.
Kids, we're going home.
Get on.
Look, they must be shooting a commercial for black gum.
Round and round, love will hmm, hmm, hmm Just hmm, hmm, hmm Cleveland.
Hmm? Ooh, what reeks? Donna! You're home unannounced.
Well, time to leave, announced.
Donna leaving! Cleveland, is someone in the bedroom? What? No, that's You think I'd Oh Donna I can't keep living a lie.
There is someone in there.
Someone I care about very much.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
But when you two meet, I think you'll love him, too.
Him?! I knew it.
Everyone knew it.
Starting at tailback, wearing number fur, from Mississqueaky State-- trust me, you'll get these when you see him-- cheese welcome Rat Lauer! The rat's on my pillow? Get that disgusting thing out of this house.
I married a "ratsist.
" Like the anchor of the same name, he's gonna poop on your shoulder! Cleveland, call 911.
Operator, my pet rat's been assaulted.
Yes, I do know.
It was Donna Tubbs.
And she's got pot upstairs.
That monster broke the skin.
Now, Donna-- and I am in no way defending Mr.
Lauer's deplorable actions here, but you were coming at him with an extremely negative energy.
I was coming at Now, you listen here.
You done stepped in it, now.
You been lying to Donna Tubbs.
I'm sorry! Now, drive me to the hospital before I drop dead of rabies.
Rat Lauer, want to go for a ride? Maybe we'll find a loose-skinned frog and call him Al Croaker.
And, as for the rabies, we'll find a Katie Cure-ic.
Don't nobody want to get their news from a woman.
Nice ones.
I know! Well, Donna, the good news is it's extremely uncommon for rats to carry rabies.
Oh, thank the Lord.
Let me finish.
But not that uncommon.
You ready, big fella? Once I cut off his head and remove his brain, we'll send it to the lab and have results within a week.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! The hell! Nobody said nothing about cutting heads.
Cleveland, that's the only way to find out.
Dr.
Fist, may I rip the rat's head off with my bare hands and scoop his brains out with a press-on nail while my husband watches? Sure.
Why not? He is a living being.
Donna, how bad could the month-long series of extremely painful stomach injections be? I can think of something else you thought would be "too painful" that I talked you into, which we immediately stopped because it was too painful.
Or, if you drill a hole in his head, I'll suck his brains out with a straw.
Okay, okay, okay.
If we took our chances and Donna did not get vaccinated, but she did have rabies Certain death within days.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
Like to chew on Doctor, I thank you for your time.
My wife and I want to consider all options before I'll do it.
I'll kill him.
But let me take him into the woods so his last breath isn't this putrid hospital air.
Please, Donna, I couldn't have a pet as a child, and that justifies everything Mmm, mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Hop in, Rat Lauer.
I don't want you to see where we're going.
It's a surprise.
A terrible, terrible surprise.
Hmm, that's new.
Hey, Dad? Oh, well.
Where could he? No.
What's in the briefcase? Rallo, stop.
What's in the briefcase? At least let me put some clothes on.
What's in the briefcase?! Don't "Borat" me, bro! Oh, my God.
The briefcase.
Rallo, no! Two-for-one corned beef sandwiches at the Stubby Pickle Deli? That's what all this was about? Well, I guess you know now.
So give that back.
Nah-uh.
Gonna go get my corned beef on.
What is corned beef? Guess I'm gonna find out.
All right, pull over, and let's whack this mole, damn it.
Rat Lauer, I awakened every morning to your incessant squeaking on mostly girl issues, and no one but me ever took you seriously.
You know I just got to look this little guy in the eyes one last time before I do Aah, rabbis! He's got the rabbis! Kill the son of a bitch! Ow! Why would you do that? I'm not thinking clearly.
I have rabies.
Get in the car.
Donna, get my keys.
No.
Well, I've tried everything.
I would like to redeem this coupon.
And, what is the most soup you can give a person? Welcome back, Number 14.
Thank you, Number 53.
You see, Rallo, I'm an operative for a faction of ex-CIA officials deemed too extreme by the Agency.
Four years ago, I was recruited and trained for operations.
Thank you, Morgana.
A local idiot named Cleveland Brown was selected to unwittingly play the role of my father.
Of course, his actual son, the real Cleveland Jr.
, had to be eliminated.
I'm Tiger Woods.
I'm Tiger Woods.
Why? What is this all about? There's a group of people, Rallo, who want to see the American way of life toppled.
They're based in Stoolbend because of proximity to Washington and good schools.
It's just a great place to live.
And I've been taking them down one by one.
This is my next target.
Tim the Bear? That's not his real name.
His real name is Tim the Terrorist.
He's a killing machine.
And you're going to kill him? No, Rallo, you are.
This contains a subdermic explosive capable of blowing you to smithereens.
Which I can detonate by this cell phone at any time.
No, no! Mama! If I can ever get any damn reception.
One, two, three, shoot.
Ah, should've used stronger scissors.
All right.
Scary! Rat! No bite! Ha-ha! No sign of Mighty Mouse.
You should've seen yourself.
You were all He's chewing through the tires.
Donna, this is all my fault.
I'm a terrible husband.
Forgive me.
You mean for giving me rabies? I didn't bite you.
Is he gone? I think so.
Then again, we thought so a number of times now.
He's crawling through the exhaust pipe.
He's in the car! Hell got a rat problem now.
Mama, you didn't leave.
I couldn't.
Not after getting to know you.
So I went by the house, and Roberta told me where you were and where you keep your gun.
That's why I let them know.
Donna, I was tempted, but I swear, I'll never choose the road over you again.
Especially now that I ain't got to do jack, with my ol' whipped son-in-law around.
Where in the world is Rat Lauer? He dead.
Yep, she infected.
Please tell me we got it that time, Lego Martin Scorsese.
Dang, back to one.
Oh, Junior splat corn and I don't care Junior splat corn and I don't care All that crazy stuff was just a dream, right? It had to be.
Nope.
=
You've got three seconds to tell me where the dirty bomb is gonna go off.
Or your knick-knacks get paddy-wacked.
No! Miss Donna, Rallo's hitting Larry in his leopard nards.
Hi! Rallo, I let you watch one weekend-long Spike TV James Bond marathon and Is that my .
45 taped to your back? Put this back under my side of the bed and leave Cleveland's son alone.
He is a guest in our house.
Thank you.
And, Cleveland, I need you to get these boys dressed, put the leaf in the table, set the table and make some dinner to put on the table because I need well over an hour to get ready.
My mother's coming over.
Again? But I just got the boys dressed, put the leaf in the table, set the table and made some dinner to put on the table yesterday.
My mother was gone for 42 years, Cleveland.
And I'd appreciate you taking on a little extra work so she and I can continue to bond.
James Bond.
My human nards! I gave that baby up, too.
Oh, Mama, you're hilarious.
Now, is there a history of clinical depression in our family? 'Cause lately I Uh, decaf.
Sure, Donna, I'll just get you a new cup.
Oh, Cleveland, could you clean that up? Come on, Mama, you and I can go in the basement.
I want to show you the coats I wear when it's cold.
And I brought this Lego Martin Scorsese for us to put together.
That'll take all night.
Oh, and, Cleveland, do everything.
You can't leave me up here with all the work.
You're not even good at Legos.
You force them! Da na-na-na na-na na-na na-na Watch our for the spy Da na-na-na na-na na na-na He's watching you Secret stuff going on Da na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na I wish I was I was Sean Connery and you were a woman so I could hit you.
Mm-hmm.
I get it.
You're a secret agent, too.
Very funny.
So what's in the briefcase? Come on, Spy Who Loved Pizza.
What's in it? A squirt gun, X-ray specs, extra fat? You got your spy business; I got mine.
Pshh.
Whatevs.
I don't care.
So, Roberta, you know any new dances? Yeah, the Hucklebuck.
Huck, huck, huck, huck.
Huck, huck, huck, huck.
Huck, huck, huck, huck.
Just tell me what's in it! Is it believable that I didn't hear her? Nah, I better go.
Pretty loud.
What? Oh, my God, Mr.
Scorsese.
Oh, I'm your biggest fan.
Shark Tale changed my life.
Cleveland, we saw a rat the size of an all-wheel-drive, wagon-style minivan.
Weirdly specific.
No payoff.
Where? Behind the heating unit.
I hate rats, Cleveland.
I hate their chilly little, third-trimester fetus hands.
Needlessly controversial.
Could have just said little hands.
Just kill that red-ass mouse! Filthy stupid awful lice-ridden varmint.
Please don't let this be toilet water! Did you kill it? Nope.
All right, that's all I need to hear.
I saw Contagion.
You all are sleeping at my house tonight.
Oh, Mama, thank you.
Kids, in the car now! Empty the cheese out of your pockets, everybody.
All of it.
Bonjour.
Uh-uh, you got to kill that rat.
I don't care if you trap it, stab it or put it in a hoodie and sent it to Florida.
Just call me when you got a corpse.
Until then, we'll be staying at my mom's house.
Cheese? Get out of my house.
I bash your skull in, and I get my family back.
My loud kids, my wife and mother-in-law.
Wait on them hand and foot, lose my privacy, having to go to the bathroom while my son's taking a shower asking me a bunch of weird questions about his weird puberty body.
All just as soon as I kill you! Yeah, Donna, I ain't seen hide nor hair of him.
But I know you and the kids won't come back until he's gone.
I'm on it.
I'm not on it.
I'm keeping you alive, but don't tell Donna.
And watch out for that rat poison.
Oh, I guess you'd just call it poison.
Do you do stand-up comedy? 'Cause if you do, that joke is mine.
I mean it! And I put out rat poison for him, and I'm like, he probably just calls it poison.
Too smart for the room.
Well, Dee Dee, I have to tell you, that meat loaf was okay.
But now that I've got a belly full of garbage, I'm going to get home and kill that rat.
The kids and I have been here for two days.
Just call an exterminator.
In this economy?! No.
Besides, if you Google "reasons not to call exterminator," it may say they use harmful chemicals, and Junior's already developed an armpit hand from his antiperspirant.
Cleveland Brown is getting drunk Getting drunk, getting drunk Family's gone, I'm getting drunk With no pants on.
Ah, keys.
What? He's he's waiting for me, like a dog.
Rock Hudson never waits for me.
He's Rallo's dog.
Rallo's my stepson, Donna's son.
Donna's my wife.
Anyway, I was never allowed to have a pet.
Dad, I found a dog.
Can I keep him? You know the rule: if you can beat him in a fight.
Maybe you could be the pet I never had.
I'm going to name you after that Today Show guy.
Rat Lauer.
Because you've got a pointy face, spiky little hair, and word has it you're a real cheese hound.
Bristly.
Roberta's in on it, too.
I need to get a closer look.
Aha! Hey, look at me-- I'm Frederick Douglass.
There is nothing good, great or desirable that does not come by some kind of labor.
Look it up, ignorant kids.
Bah! So, he told you? What's in the briefcase? Rallo, listen up.
I'm only gonna shriek this once.
What's in that briefcase is not a five-year-old's concern.
Drop it now.
I'm gonna go practice my Hucklebuck.
Huck, huck, huck, huck I will find out what's in that briefcase if it kills me.
Or Junior.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Oh! Oh, please, forgive me.
Please forgive me.
Oh, walking a dog? Where'd you get that idea? From everybody? What, you've never seen a black man in a pink robe walking a rat? Morning, Mama.
Look what I rented.
Let's go make people wonder if we're shooting a commercial.
Hey, honey.
Was that this morning we were going riding? Oh, because I just booked two weeks singing at a supper club in St.
Louis, and I've got to leave in five minutes, so you all have got to get out of my house.
But you said we could stay as long Not without me here.
It's like my niece Ernestine used to say: "Let a hitchhiker take a bath in your tub? I don't think so.
" You're leaving me again.
This is exactly what you did to me when I was a baby.
I don't see it.
You are choosing the road over Forget it.
Kids, we're going home.
Get on.
Look, they must be shooting a commercial for black gum.
Round and round, love will hmm, hmm, hmm Just hmm, hmm, hmm Cleveland.
Hmm? Ooh, what reeks? Donna! You're home unannounced.
Well, time to leave, announced.
Donna leaving! Cleveland, is someone in the bedroom? What? No, that's You think I'd Oh Donna I can't keep living a lie.
There is someone in there.
Someone I care about very much.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
But when you two meet, I think you'll love him, too.
Him?! I knew it.
Everyone knew it.
Starting at tailback, wearing number fur, from Mississqueaky State-- trust me, you'll get these when you see him-- cheese welcome Rat Lauer! The rat's on my pillow? Get that disgusting thing out of this house.
I married a "ratsist.
" Like the anchor of the same name, he's gonna poop on your shoulder! Cleveland, call 911.
Operator, my pet rat's been assaulted.
Yes, I do know.
It was Donna Tubbs.
And she's got pot upstairs.
That monster broke the skin.
Now, Donna-- and I am in no way defending Mr.
Lauer's deplorable actions here, but you were coming at him with an extremely negative energy.
I was coming at Now, you listen here.
You done stepped in it, now.
You been lying to Donna Tubbs.
I'm sorry! Now, drive me to the hospital before I drop dead of rabies.
Rat Lauer, want to go for a ride? Maybe we'll find a loose-skinned frog and call him Al Croaker.
And, as for the rabies, we'll find a Katie Cure-ic.
Don't nobody want to get their news from a woman.
Nice ones.
I know! Well, Donna, the good news is it's extremely uncommon for rats to carry rabies.
Oh, thank the Lord.
Let me finish.
But not that uncommon.
You ready, big fella? Once I cut off his head and remove his brain, we'll send it to the lab and have results within a week.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! The hell! Nobody said nothing about cutting heads.
Cleveland, that's the only way to find out.
Dr.
Fist, may I rip the rat's head off with my bare hands and scoop his brains out with a press-on nail while my husband watches? Sure.
Why not? He is a living being.
Donna, how bad could the month-long series of extremely painful stomach injections be? I can think of something else you thought would be "too painful" that I talked you into, which we immediately stopped because it was too painful.
Or, if you drill a hole in his head, I'll suck his brains out with a straw.
Okay, okay, okay.
If we took our chances and Donna did not get vaccinated, but she did have rabies Certain death within days.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
Like to chew on Doctor, I thank you for your time.
My wife and I want to consider all options before I'll do it.
I'll kill him.
But let me take him into the woods so his last breath isn't this putrid hospital air.
Please, Donna, I couldn't have a pet as a child, and that justifies everything Mmm, mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Hop in, Rat Lauer.
I don't want you to see where we're going.
It's a surprise.
A terrible, terrible surprise.
Hmm, that's new.
Hey, Dad? Oh, well.
Where could he? No.
What's in the briefcase? Rallo, stop.
What's in the briefcase? At least let me put some clothes on.
What's in the briefcase?! Don't "Borat" me, bro! Oh, my God.
The briefcase.
Rallo, no! Two-for-one corned beef sandwiches at the Stubby Pickle Deli? That's what all this was about? Well, I guess you know now.
So give that back.
Nah-uh.
Gonna go get my corned beef on.
What is corned beef? Guess I'm gonna find out.
All right, pull over, and let's whack this mole, damn it.
Rat Lauer, I awakened every morning to your incessant squeaking on mostly girl issues, and no one but me ever took you seriously.
You know I just got to look this little guy in the eyes one last time before I do Aah, rabbis! He's got the rabbis! Kill the son of a bitch! Ow! Why would you do that? I'm not thinking clearly.
I have rabies.
Get in the car.
Donna, get my keys.
No.
Well, I've tried everything.
I would like to redeem this coupon.
And, what is the most soup you can give a person? Welcome back, Number 14.
Thank you, Number 53.
You see, Rallo, I'm an operative for a faction of ex-CIA officials deemed too extreme by the Agency.
Four years ago, I was recruited and trained for operations.
Thank you, Morgana.
A local idiot named Cleveland Brown was selected to unwittingly play the role of my father.
Of course, his actual son, the real Cleveland Jr.
, had to be eliminated.
I'm Tiger Woods.
I'm Tiger Woods.
Why? What is this all about? There's a group of people, Rallo, who want to see the American way of life toppled.
They're based in Stoolbend because of proximity to Washington and good schools.
It's just a great place to live.
And I've been taking them down one by one.
This is my next target.
Tim the Bear? That's not his real name.
His real name is Tim the Terrorist.
He's a killing machine.
And you're going to kill him? No, Rallo, you are.
This contains a subdermic explosive capable of blowing you to smithereens.
Which I can detonate by this cell phone at any time.
No, no! Mama! If I can ever get any damn reception.
One, two, three, shoot.
Ah, should've used stronger scissors.
All right.
Scary! Rat! No bite! Ha-ha! No sign of Mighty Mouse.
You should've seen yourself.
You were all He's chewing through the tires.
Donna, this is all my fault.
I'm a terrible husband.
Forgive me.
You mean for giving me rabies? I didn't bite you.
Is he gone? I think so.
Then again, we thought so a number of times now.
He's crawling through the exhaust pipe.
He's in the car! Hell got a rat problem now.
Mama, you didn't leave.
I couldn't.
Not after getting to know you.
So I went by the house, and Roberta told me where you were and where you keep your gun.
That's why I let them know.
Donna, I was tempted, but I swear, I'll never choose the road over you again.
Especially now that I ain't got to do jack, with my ol' whipped son-in-law around.
Where in the world is Rat Lauer? He dead.
Yep, she infected.
Please tell me we got it that time, Lego Martin Scorsese.
Dang, back to one.
Oh, Junior splat corn and I don't care Junior splat corn and I don't care All that crazy stuff was just a dream, right? It had to be.
Nope.
=