The Last Man On Earth (2015) s04e13 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Last Man on Earth I want you to have a baby.
- Let's do this.
- Whoa! Easy there.
I'm not having a baby.
There's a serious biological impediment here.
Not necessarily.
We have a question for you.
Um, oh, oh, okay.
Um Sorry.
You know, I-I can't do it.
- Then I'm gonna do it.
- No, I think I should do it.
- Then do it.
- Okay, fine.
God.
Mm.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, um, Erica As-as you know, I, um I-I real really want to have a child.
Uh, very clear on that.
Okay, great, and as you also know, Melissa does not want to h-have a child, so Yeah, I don't.
Clear on that, too.
So, um, you already have a-a child.
Is-is that fair to say? I think I feel comfortable confirming that.
And, uh, do-do you like your baby? Eh, I don't know.
She's all right, I guess.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, Todd, I'm kidding.
I-I love her.
Cool.
It's very, very cool.
Do you want to have a baby with Todd? - I'm sorry? - TODD: Oh, we have our answer.
You know, this was a fool's errand, and I am a fool.
Thank you very much, Erica.
You've been nothing but gracious throughout this entire ordeal.
I-I didn't say "no.
" Oh.
Oh, my God! I'm gonna be a dad! What?! Really?! Whoa, no.
I mean, I I didn't say "yes," either.
R-Real roller coaster here, I got to tell you.
Well, Todd, this is, like, a huge thing.
Can I have a little bit of time to think about it? Yeah.
No.
Of course.
Of course.
Absolutely.
I mean, you-you take your time.
Um, yeah.
Todd? Is it a more than a few minutes situation? More than a few minutes situation.
(WHISPERING): We should go.
Okay.
Let's go.
Oh.
Who just got her bath? You did.
You did.
And who just did a huge poop? That's right.
Daddy did.
Oh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Oh, hey, Care Bear.
Didn't see you there.
Don't mind me.
Just do your thang.
(CHUCKLES) You want Daddy to put you to bed? Huh? Huh? (GASPS SOFTLY) Stop right there.
(CHUCKLES) You like what you see, huh? Your lower back hair is catching the light in the most beautiful way.
It's like I'm seeing it for the first time.
Must be some residual push sweat.
I don't know if you heard, but I just took a pretty aggressive dump.
I did hear.
Whatever you're doing, keep doing it, 'cause Mommy likey.
Well, Daddy aimsy to pleasey.
Spin for me.
Slowly.
Ooh.
Stop right there.
Now raise the baby.
- Mmm.
- Yeah, that's right.
Get lost in it.
Why don't you come over here and give me a little taste? Your wish is my command.
- Did somebody order the special? - Hmm.
Ooh.
- My compliments to the chef.
- Careful.
I don't want to spoil your dinner.
Lucky for you, I have a tapeworm, and he skipped lunch.
- Oh, Carol.
- Tandy.
(BOTH MOANING) Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You just gave birth.
I mean, isn't it too soon for sex? Well, just 'cause the doggy door's busted doesn't mean we can't look through the peep hole.
Oh, Carol.
(BOTH MOANING) (LAUGHS) A baby? You you said no, right? I didn't say anything.
I was too in shock to be honest.
- Oh, you got to shut this down.
- Yeah, I-I know.
I-I just I feel bad.
I mean, Dawn is the light of my life, and by saying no, I'm denying Todd his only chance at this experience.
It's pretty cut and dry, Shug.
"Aw, Todd, you're so sweet, but no way in freaking hell, and my smoke-show of a wife supports me in that.
" You're right.
I got to be direct.
I'll just pull him aside after dinner.
Ugh.
He's gonna be crushed.
He knows it's a long shot.
I'm sure he hadn't gotten his hopes up.
(FIRE CRACKLING) (CAROL AND TANDY LAUGHING) Sorry we're late.
Tandy and I were engaged in a spirited petting session.
- (CAROL AND TANDY CHUCKLE) - MELISSA: Ugh.
With outercourse like that, who needs intercourse? JK.
I do, and hopefully soon.
(CHUCKLES) Todd, uh, please pass the garbanzo beans.
Todd? Oh.
I'm-I'm sorry.
- Here.
Coming at you.
- (CAROL CHUCKLES) (WHISPERS): I'll get it.
- What you thinking about, bud? - Nothing! God! - Sorry.
I'm-I'm - No.
It's just, I-I wasn't thinking about anything in particular.
And I answered your question to the best of my ability given the available knowledge at the time.
You were saying something interesting about garbanzo beans? You okay, bud? Uh, okay, you know, I'm just gonna come out and say it.
Melissa and I have asked Erica to have my baby.
- (CAROL GASPS) - No way.
That is so exciting! Oh! No, but, guys, please just leave no, leave her alone.
She's taking some time to-to think about it.
Isn't that right? - Oh, my God, have you decided? - Oh, uh maybe we should talk about this later.
Actually, um, later doesn't work for me.
Uh, I'm-I'm real busy in all my later time slots.
Could you just tell me now? - In-in front of everyone? - Oh, yeah.
What was I thinking? W-We should do this in the other room.
- Come on.
- (SIGHS): Okay.
Wish me luck, everybody.
(CHUCKLES) - (CAROL AND TANDY CHUCKLE) - M-Melissa, c-come on.
- I don't really want to go.
- Please.
Oh, you have a bean in your beard.
Oh, that's embarrassing.
Where is it? Oh, no, no, no.
I got it.
(BOTH MOANING) (TANDY CHUCKLES) Your bean, sir.
(BOTH MOANING) TODD: No! No! - Did you get it? - Got it.
(BOTH MOANING) So? CAROL: Mom.
We need to ask you something.
As you know, Tandy and I recently had twin baby girls.
Can we agree on that? - Yeah.
- And both births came via the traditional birthing causeway.
- The female vagina.
- Mm-hmm.
Can we agree on that? Uh, yeah.
As we alluded to at dinner, Tandy and I have begun dabbling in the sensual arts again.
(PANTING) And despite powerful, even violent urges on both sides, our liaisons have been anything but dangereux.
Could y'all just cut to the chase, please? Gail, Carol and I would like your medical blessing to pork.
What has it been? Like, less than two weeks since you gave birth? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Look, the normal waiting time is four to six weeks.
- (GROANS): Oh.
- No.
But your birth experience was anything but normal, so maybe your freak show of a reproductive system can handle it.
Mom, are you saying that Tandy can release the hounds? I will never say that, and I would request that you never make me hear that again.
But the answer I think you're looking for is yes.
- Oh, thanks, Mom! - (LAUGHS) Release the you-know-whats! - (CRYING OUT) - (HOWLS) (BOTH MOANING) MELISSA: Oh! Look who rolled over.
So I went and got some fun stuff at the mall.
I got some board games, cat puzzle, uh, a couple joke books.
- Doesn't that sound fun? - No.
Pretty funny.
"What does a vegan zombie eat?" "Grains.
" (CHUCKLES) Okay.
Got one of these guys.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Uh-oh, it's a dance-off.
You better bring it.
(WHOOPS) - (HIP-HOP MUSIC STOPS) - (MELISSA SIGHS) Fine.
Well, there's a bunch of other crap in here.
So, if you get in the mood Look, I know Erica's decision was hard to hear.
But you're gonna get through this.
What? What is? Oh, you like that train set, huh? Great.
This is good.
("YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR HA ON" BY JOE COCKER PLAYING) Baby, take off your coat Real slow Take off your dress Yes, baby, yes Yeah But you can leave your hat on Yeah, you can leave your hat on You can leave your hat on Are you ready? Balls have never been cleaner.
Sweated them up a little bit in the dance, but You want to take a little whiff-ski? I'm gonna save that for dessert.
Then shall we doink? May I stop you to say that this may be the most romantic thing of which I've ever been a part? - You may not.
- Oh.
Oh, no, table four says the meat is undercooked.
- Throwing it back on the grill.
- Table six has a nut allergy.
Keep those cashews away from the stroganoff.
I got to plate this, Carol.
I got to plate it! But the whole party hasn't arrived yet.
I'm plating it! - I'm plating it! - God! - CAROL: Oh, God! - (TOY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS) Hey, bud.
Hey.
I know the whole "Erica not having your baby" thing is a real bummer.
So, if you ever want to babysit, just say the word.
You know, Carol and I just got the go-ahead to start plowing again.
E-Excuse my French.
Ramming.
Uh, it's been a little weird with the babies in the room.
- I mean, not that weird, but still just - Tandy.
Can I talk to you? Stop talking to him about babies.
That's the last thing he needs right now.
Sorry.
I'm just trying to help.
By rubbing your babies in his face? - I - I've got this handled, okay? Just leave him alone with his trains, and he'll be fine in a few days.
(TOY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS) TANDY: Nice caboose.
(CHUCKLES) The train's not bad, either.
CAROL: Hi, Todd.
I'm just here holding a box of general miscellany.
So, how's it going with you, bud? MELISSA: He's fine.
Can I help you? We need to talk.
(QUIETLY): We have to tell him.
- It's not the right time.
- It's never the right time.
W Just give him a little bit longer.
I can't keep lying to him.
It's killing me.
Yeah, and I can't keep this up forever.
(SIGHS) We'll tell him, just not now.
Well, this baby's not going to wait.
You got two months, tops.
I would like to propose a toast to Gail Congratulations on six months of sobriety from red wine.
I did it, y'all.
(TANDY CHUCKLES) Goodness gracious, where, oh, where am I gonna hang this dartboard? - Todd's not here, Carol.
- Oh, thank gol.
GAIL: This is ridiculous.
You can't go on hiding that pregnancy forever.
Well, tell that to the conductor's wife.
MELISSA: I'm doing the best I can.
At least Todd's out of bed now, and he's eating again.
He hasn't mentioned babies in months.
He's a grown-ass man who spends 18 hours a day playing with trains; that's just not right.
He's making improvements every day.
(TOY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) I stand corrected.
I've tried everything.
I don't know what else to do.
Look, don't worry, Melissa.
I think I have an idea.
And, as usual, I will handle it with grace and "aplobm.
" Carol, can you join me? Ooh, I'm involved! Hey, thanks so much for joining me, bud.
And, look, I got to be honest, the real reason I brought you here was not to help me dispose of dirty diapers.
But be prepared, 'cause what I'm about to say is a real shocker.
I hate having kids, bud.
It's the worst.
I mean, they cry all the time, always begging for food.
This diaper thing is so disgusting.
Oh, God, I wish I could go back in time and just be married without kids.
Oh, I'm so jealous of you and Melissa.
You gals got it made in the shade with lemonade.
With ice in it.
(GROANS) Tandy, I have something to say, and it cannot wait until we're alone.
- Everything okay, Bear? - Afraid not.
Good God, what is it? This is bad news.
Stay for this, Todd! (HISSES) I'm pregnant.
(HIGH-PITCHED SHRIEKING) Oh, this is exactly what I don't want! Oh, I can't think of worse news! And to come out of the blue so suddenly! Oh, God! Oh! - The burden! - Incredible onus! (TANDY WAILING) (TOY TRAIN CHUGGING) (SHOUTS) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) Oh, Dawn.
Look at this.
You wore this when we were running from a nuclear explosion, remember? It's hard to believe you were ever this tiny.
(WHISPERS): I think we'll just keep this one.
Okay.
- Aw.
- (DAWN COOS) Dawn, look at this.
Look.
Look, that's Mummy.
And these are your grandparents.
And that's your Uncle Ethan, Mummy's brother.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (SHRIEKS) Gol! Gol, gol, gol, gol, gol, gol, gol, gol! (SHOUTS) (BLOWING VUVUZELA) Aw, did someone score another goal? Yes, I did.
Unassisted.
(WHOOPS) Wait, where are all the trains? I don't know.
You know, I came in here this morning, and they were just all gone.
(TANDY SCOFFS SOFTLY) Hey, bud.
Yeah, I, um I put, I put 'em all away.
- I, uh I got you a little something.
- Oh.
It's a congratulations for being pregnant.
GAIL: Well, look at you.
I'm-I'm glad you're all here, 'cause I have something I want to say.
Um Um, so just Excuse me, I'm sorry.
- Please, just bear with me.
- (CLEARS THROAT) "Sometimes a guy's got to hit rock-bottom to realize what's truly important in life.
Todd Dimas Rodriguez was born in the tiny enclave of Mills Glen to parents who he" I want to have a baby with you.
Who was that to? Wait, uh, did you-you Who was that to? Todd, I've decided; I want to have a baby, and I want to have it with you.
- (CHUCKLES) - Really? Yeah, really.
Wait.
No, wait, no.
I Erica, I-I can't.
Okay? I-I can't let you give me a pity baby.
Yes, you can.
Todd, listen.
I've thought about this.
And Gail and I have discussed it, and this is what I want.
- But you just said that you - Stop talking! You made a sale.
Look, Dawn is the best thing I've ever done.
And I would love to give her a little brother or sister.
And you promise you're not doing this for me? I'm doing this for me.
And I'm thrilled to have a guy like you to go through it with.
(CRYING): I'm gonna be a dad.
(CHUCKLES) I'm gonna be a dad! (LAUGHS) - Aw! - Oh! (CHUCKLES)