The Mindy Project s04e13 Episode Script

Oh! Hold the door, please! Can you hold the door? Oh, I assumed the elevator was empty because I nearly snapped my arm in half.
I don't get the whole holding the door thing.
It rewards lateness.
Should a runner losing the Olympics be like, "Hey guys, wait up"? Yeah, if getting to another floor of a building was a competition.
Not a good analogy.
I didn't mean to start a whole conversation here.
Oh, because you're used to people just shutting up after you say rude things to them? Do I know you from somewhere? Yes.
I was in the news.
I was the woman who climaxed during her TSA pat down.
No, that's not it.
Did you and I ever, uh Ex-squeeze me, sir? There is it, okay, I know where it is.
You and I, we did a couple rotations in residency.
Yeah, you always made us sing that dumb version of "Happy Birthday.
" "You look like a monkey and you smell like one too"? People loved it, and it's hilarious.
Yeah, hysterical.
So what are you doing in the building anyway? Today happens to be my first day at my new job.
Wait, you work here? - Wait, you work here? - Oh, God.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me, I was going first.
Christmastime in New York City is my favorite time of year, because of all the great traditions, any one of which can spiral into an ongoing fight about whether I should keep working or stay home and have more children.
Mmm.
Oh, my God, Danny, these gingerbread men are so good.
I mean, this is the best crotch I've ever tasted.
I mean, I don't know how I'm going to eat this many.
I mean, I can.
I will.
I am, but I shouldn't.
Well, if we had more kids, they'd help you finish them.
Okay, I thought we could just go one day - without talking about this.
- What? I'm just saying more kids would help us finish the cookies.
Yeah, so just make less cookies.
All right, "A Charlie Brown Christmas," I love this.
I love this one.
My favorite part is how those "Peanuts" kids seemed like they turned out fine even though their moms were never around, and they're probably out working.
Charlie Brown's 10 years old, and he's bald and he has no friends.
Yeah, he's doing fine raising himself.
I'm getting a glass of wine and you can just watch it by yourself.
And don't even get me started on Pig-Pen.
"And then the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come said money's not the most important thing.
" You see that, Leo? Scrooge was obsessed with his money and his career, putting his work above his family.
And, yet, if Tiny Tim's mother had worked instead of having 12 kids, maybe her son wouldn't have a sad-ass limp.
I didn't say anything about 12 kids.
That's over-exaggerating, okay? A couple of kids.
Okay, but who's gonna take care of these kids? Don't give me that.
Hey, Danny, what do I do with this lamb I found? Do I just, like, toss him? Just put him in the manger close to Jesus.
Okay.
Oh, Danny, I really like this.
Think of it, Jesus was born in a barn and then he grew up to be the most popular - tattoo for Latino men.
- It's so nice and snug.
- One barn for the whole family.
- Yeah.
And if you notice, Mary doesn't still own her apartment in the West Village.
Okay, well, if Mary had an apartment as cool as mine, then she probably wouldn't be a virgin.
What are you holding on to that apartment for? Are you trying to leave? I am trying to sell it, but no one will meet my price.
Yeah, $10 million? "Celebrity buyers only?" - Yeah, nobody's gonna buy that.
- You know what? Why don't you just decorate the tree by yourself, no.
Whoa, hold on, hold on, come here, come here, come here, come here.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
We've been blowing up at each other a lot, and I don't want to do it.
We should be happy.
We have a lot to celebrate.
Yeah, you're right.
- Okay? - Yeah.
- Hm, that's weird.
- What's weird? Oh, I used to love that shirt.
Whatever happened to it? Oh, I used it to stop a nosebleed, and then I gave it to Morgan.
No, that's not what's weird.
What's weird is that we're smiling in this picture but we hated each other back then.
Yeah, we did.
Remember the time you reported me to hospital HR? Yes, because you told a patient - I was quote "roly poly.
" - It was worth it.
You don't think I'm so roly-poly anymore.
- No.
- I just don't get it.
- Why are we smiling here? - I don't know.
Ah, my first day at a new job.
So much potential everywhere I look.
Who will be my new work crush? Who will be my chatty confidante? Who will be the mentor who inspires me to greatness? Could I see everyone Uh Pardon my muffin.
Could I see everyone for a quick meeting in the conference room? It's showtime, Dr.
Lahiri.
You did very good for your first Sorry, I like to keep the seat next to me empty so it's easy for me to get away.
Well, at least I know now who my workplace nemesis is.
Okay.
I hope you all had a very nice weekend.
I sure did.
Cheryl and I finally finished our jigsaw puzzle.
- Vermont Covered Bridge? - Vermont Covered Bridge.
I knew you two would have fun with that one.
- Thank you for that.
- You're welcome.
I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
And I also very much would like to thank Jeremy.
He got St.
Brendan's to feature us in their hospital newsletter.
Us, in a newsletter.
Bravo.
Well, as many of you know, I can be pretty persuasive.
- He means sex.
- Whoa.
Dr.
Shulman, as you know, Christmas is coming, and I've been working on your annual gingerbread house.
My favorite surprise of the year.
Clue of the day, this year's structure - is a New York landmark - Landmark.
With two statues in the front - Statues.
- And I ain't lying.
The New York Public Library.
Of course, yeah, that's it.
He was supposed to guess.
I'm sorry.
It was just a very obvious clue.
I didn't think it was that obvious.
Okay, I'll scrap it.
Nevermind.
I'll just start over.
I don't know where I'm gonna get gumdrops this late in the game.
I'm sorry, could you stop glaring at me? Just do the Flatiron Building or something.
That's the one I was gonna do! I was gonna do the Flatiron Building.
That's twice you did that to me.
It's all right, I think that pretty much wraps up this meeting.
Oh, Dr.
Shulman, I have an announcement.
- Sure, yep, fine.
Okay.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Now everybody can give announcements? Entertainment.
Hi, everyone.
My name is Dr.
Mindy Lahiri and this is not only my first day at work it's also the beginning of a new chapter in my life.
A couple of weeks ago, I was basically gonna kill myself.
Yeah.
- I had just been dumped on the first day of a very long vacation, but I think it was a sign from the universe that I needed a fresh start.
There are no signs from the universe.
Just the will of our living Christ.
Yeah, okay, same diff.
Since then I got a new apartment, I joined Weight Watchers, I signed up for this really cool new dating site, - it's called Ashley Madison.
- Ashley Madison? And best of all, I got to start working here with all of you great people.
Can you imagine? Me a well-educated Asian American woman in Manhattan, becoming a doctor? - Anyway, in conclusion - Thank the Lord.
I am ready to start my great new adventure, and I think I can speak for all of us when I say that you're pretty lucky to come along for the ride.
So, that's me.
Hi.
Yeah.
Can I talk to you in your office right now? - Um, sure.
- Yeah, yeah, Jeremy, you too.
You seem so upset, Danny.
Do you need some more time off to work things out with your wife? No.
You could use our cabin.
The skunk died.
No, no.
My marriage is fine, guys.
We're going to The Rockettes this week.
I just want to know, why'd you hire this woman? I have to admit that maybe I hired Dr.
Lahiri - by accident? - What? How? I didn't have my glasses on, and I thought I was reading the resume of another doctor.
Do you know Mandy Lahoro? The resemblance is striking.
We could've hired Mandy? Mandy Lahoro? He's great.
He's from Sudan.
Put himself through school acting in "The Lion King.
" I know, but no, no, no.
We hired Dr.
Lahiri.
So, that's that.
We'll just have to fire her.
Danny, the days in which you could fire a young woman of color for no reason are long gone.
At least three years.
Well, she could quit.
Right? You know, like, if she hated it here and found it to be an uncomfortable place to work.
You are describing a hostile work environment.
Exactly.
One of those.
I think you're really gonna love your new office.
Here it is.
It's all yours.
My office is a storage room? Yeah, storage room, fart room.
It's got a bunch of different names.
Is there even a chair? Well, there's a bunch of boxes.
You could sit on one of those.
Okay, do you think, like, maybe you could help me move some of these boxes? Oh, I can't.
I got I got a ton of patients.
Oh, oh speaking of which, I meant to ask you: How exactly do I get patients? Do the doctors, like, give me a couple of theirs? Well, it's kind of every man for himself around here, but hey, you know, with a nice office like this, you'll be fine.
All right, little supply closet, you're not so bad.
Uh help! This website is pretty interesting.
"Cute doctor makes big splash on her first day.
" Oh hey, Jeremy.
Oh, did you come in here to fart? I'm just here to check up on you, actually.
I know first days can be pretty tense so if there's anything I can do to help you, um relax.
Wow, no one has shown me an ounce of kindness.
Oh, you meant, like er-ee, er-ee, er.
No, I'm sorry I can't.
I mean, you're very handsome in, like, a Sunglass Hut model type of way, but I shouldn't get in a relationship at work.
Well look, let me know if you change your mind.
Just so you know, I'm literally always ready.
It's a medical condition.
Oh, thank you for telling me that.
Right now the only DTF I am is down to find patients.
Oh, well just pop your bio online on the hospital website.
You'd have to use a real computer, though.
I'm surprised Danny didn't tell you that.
No, he didn't tell me anything.
Son of a bitch.
How dare you, Dr.
"Castel-lameo" Okay, well, I'm just gonna use his computer.
Ugh, the decor in here sucks.
It's like a principal's office in a porno.
"Petite, young, OB-GYN "seeking new patients.
"If you want a skilled physician with an encyclopedic knowledge of reality television" No, I don't want to have this conversation.
How many times are we gonna have it? Look, our appointment's all set, okay? I just need Jeremy to cover my C-section.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I can't find my glasses.
Wait, what do you mean, you're not coming? Well it can't be couples' therapy if one of us isn't there.
I'll be screaming at an empty chair.
I mean, not no, not screaming, empathizing.
God damn it, where are my Have you seen my glasses anywhere at home? What? No, okay, Christina, look, I need you to come.
Please.
I'm begging you.
I need you to be there.
Please.
Okay, I'll see you there.
I think I found your glasses.
Look, I am very, very sorry.
I just needed to use your computer, and you know what? - I think I fixed them.
- Just get out.
Listen to me, I can help you, okay? Why don't you let me do the delivery and then you can go to therapy.
Dr.
C's in therapy? What a loser.
You want my delivery? I wouldn't let you deliver a sandwich.
Yeah, of course you shouldn't.
I'd be terrible at delivering a sandwich.
Take a big bite out of it, and cover it up like no one saw, but I am a good doctor.
Honestly, I would rather have any other doctor on earth do it.
Wow, I cannot believe that a nice, charming guy like you is having marriage problems.
If I was your wife, I'd be thanking my lucky stars.
Excuse me.
Whoo, Dr.
C's really losing it.
Hey, can you cover a C-section for me tonight? Mrs.
Ramsey? Something important came up.
Oh, he meant Jeremy, not me.
"I'd love to, mate.
Covering for you is a scrummy, brilliant idea.
" "Just taking the piss, "being cheeky 'cause I'm a bit knackered.
Chumbawumba?" Uh.
"Yes, I will cover your patient.
Say, isn't that new Indian doctor cool?" Okay, had to try.
Yes.
Now I just have to get rid of Jeremy.
Jeremy, Jeremy? There you are.
I was thinking about what you said before, and now I am into it.
The work trip to "Wicked"? Fantastic, I bought a whole block of tickets - and no one's signed up.
- No, I hate "Wicked.
" Backstories are stupid.
We don't always need to know how everybody met each other.
No, about the other thing we talked about in my office.
My penis, yeah.
Yeah.
There is a bar near my apartment, a daiquiri bar.
What the hell's going on here? Oh, no.
- What is all this junk? - Oh, my stuff came? - Is that a dresser? - It's an armoire.
It's French for "expensive closet for a chic woman's clothing.
" Well, right now it's French for "it's in everyone's way.
" Right, it's actually neither.
You do know that, right? I mean, it's bigger than my closet at home.
Of course it is.
'Cause you own, like, what? Like, four boring button-downs, a pair of jeans, and a belt? And a black t-shirt.
Listen, part of my professional identity is dressing in a way that is appealing only to women.
I changed my outfit three times today, not that any of you noticed.
Well, it's in the way, sweetheart.
Get rid of it.
Oh, you think it's so hard to storm off? Well, watch this.
Okay.
Hi, Mrs.
Ramsay.
- I'm Dr.
Lahiri, hello.
- Hi.
I will be covering for Dr.
Castellano.
I hope everything's okay.
He had a family emergency, his aunt stabbed him for being a jerk.
- What? - Oh, please don't worry.
I trained with him, and people actually thought that I was cooler, and more funny.
I've been over your ultrasound and test results, and your son, as you know, has his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, which, while very fashion forward, is also a complication.
Yes, that's why Dr.
Castellano has me scheduled for a C-section.
But she's really nervous about going under.
Well, I actually do know a technique that would allow you to give birth naturally.
It's called a "somersault technique.
" Um Oh.
So, when a baby like your son is born, usually, doctors try to pull the cord over his neck, and the baby's like, "Aah! "Stop choking me with my favorite scarf! Get this off me!" - So the trick is actually to pull the umbilical cord down over his shoulders and then kind of flip the baby through it, and voila, you have a baby, and a gymnast.
What do you think? I mean, if you think that that's best.
I do.
I think I can do this.
- You're sure? - I'm sure.
- I know I can do this.
- Okay.
Okay, cool.
Hey, Gayle, is Dr.
Reed still in the OR? - Dr.
Reed? - Mrs.
Ramsay.
The C-section with the nuchal cord complications? Oh, that delivery is done.
Delivery? It's a C-section.
Dr.
Lahiri delivered that baby an hour ago.
Dr.
Lahiri? Are you out of your mind? Did you impersonate Dr.
Reed and do my surgery for me? Hey, how did your therapy session go? - Did Christina show up? - No.
- Ah, man.
- She didn't.
I'm standing there like an idiot.
I've just you know what? It's none of your business, okay? Don't change the subject.
What you did was a total violation.
I have never in my career Doris? Doris, honey, just shut the vacuum off? Doris, honey, you're killing me with the vacuum and I'm trying to have a conversation.
Can you turn it off? Thank you.
Can you give us a second? Hey, man, you don't have to talk to Doris like that.
She's been my best friend for, like, 15 minutes.
You impersonated a doctor, and changed a birthing plan without authorization.
Now I'm gonna get you fired.
Danny, Danny! Stop.
Stop, stop, stop.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please, come back in here.
Just get in here, okay? Please, just keep your voice down.
Look, I get it.
I know that you hate me, but I swear to you I'm a good doctor.
You know we hired you by accident, right? Dr.
Shulman wanted Mandy Lahoro but he mixed up the names.
- Mandy Lahoro? - Yeah.
The one that sat next to Laura Bush - at the State of the Union? - That's the one.
- He's amazing.
- But we ended up with you.
Okay, maybe the circumstances of my hiring were quirky, but I believe that years from now, we will look back at this, and we will laugh as colleagues.
Colleagues? Come on, we're not colleagues.
You're a joke, Mindy.
You know, it was not my fault that I was hired as a mistake.
I'll tell you one thing, I treated your patient like a queen.
Maybe that's why you hate me so much, 'cause you know there's finally a doctor here who's as good as you.
Or better.
Doesn't matter, you can't fire me because I fire you.
I quit.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Ramsay, I want to say I am so, so sorry about what happened, okay? Before you get lawyers involved, let me tell you, that woman has been terminated.
What? We love Dr.
Lahiri.
I was so happy she was able to deliver our son without doing a C-section.
Well, what about the nuchal cord? Oh, she did the somersault technique.
She did the somersault technique? Oh, and when it came time to push she's like "Get out my belly!" Like Fat Bastard from "Austin Powers.
" It's our favorite movie.
Oh, yeah baby.
I love comedy movies.
I love 'em.
I am so grateful that you found somebody to deliver my baby the way I wanted.
All right, well I'm happy you're happy.
Oh, and we are so sorry that your aunt stabbed you.
What? Well, good-bye, little office.
Met you 14 hours ago, but I thought we would spend a lifetime together.
Now I guess you can go back to being the fart room.
Ah, who am I kidding? When you were with me, you were the fart room more than ever.
- Who are you talking to? - Oh, God! Lurk much, stalker? I could've been naked.
The door was open.
Why would you be naked at work? Okay, can you give me a break, all right? I'm just saying good-bye to my office.
I'll be out of here as soon as I can.
I talked to Mrs.
Ramsay.
She was really happy.
Well, doy.
It was a type A nuchal cord, you know, you can wrestle a baby right out of that if you have meaty enough hands.
Which I do.
Look, I'm sorry about what I said.
You know, I think you might actually be better than the guy we were meant to hire.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
And I'm sorry that I said "I know why your wife can't stand you.
" You never said that.
- I didn't? - No.
- Okay, I thought it.
- I understand.
Hey I think you should stay.
No, thanks.
No, thanks? I'm saying I'm not having you fired for your extremely fireable offense.
You could stay and have the job of your dreams.
Yeah, I know what you said, but today was just too traumatizing for me, Danny.
You're a very rude man.
And the culture in this office is so cold and competitive, you know? I need to be friends with people I work with.
I want happy hour and Secret Santas.
I could maybe be like that.
No, you couldn't.
Well, if you want to change things, stay and make them different.
It's not worth it.
I'll just go on welfare.
It's easier.
Hey, Mindy, no, now hold on.
You're great at this, and don't ever let anyone try to stop you from doing what you want.
Not even me.
I don't know, Danny.
You know what we should do? - You see this stupid armoire? - Yes.
If it can fit into your office, take it as a sign from the universe your favorite thing.
Okay, where'd you get those glasses? I bought it to replace the ones you stepped on.
Oh, well, I think they're very cool.
And the color really pops on your face.
They Oh, another feature, that's cool.
Thank you.
All right.
Cool.
Write it down.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Um Put a W next to it.
- Which stands for? - Width.
Yes.
Okay, 78, put an H.
- For height.
- There you go.
I hate to tell you, but it fits.
- Okay, I'll stay.
- Good.
- I don't know.
- It's called caddy corner.
It's a square room.
It's making me nervous.
All right.
Oh, my God.
This looks amazing.
My patients are gonna drop their panties.
I don't know if I like that imagery.
I mean, for their exams.
Okay, great.
Well let's finish it up tomorrow.
Wait, hold on.
I want to commemorate this.
What are you doing? It's called a "selfer.
" It's gonna be huge.
Okay.
Okay, smile.
You know how to smile, right? Yeah, of course I know how to smile.
Put your arm around me.
- Okay.
- Like that.
Just like that.
Guess it's true, I'm not good at a one-night stand But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man These nights never seem to go to plan I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand? Oh, won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all I need This ain't love It's clear to see But, darling, stay with me Why am I so emotional? No, it's not a good look, gain some self control Deep down, I know this never works But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt Oh, won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all I need This ain't love, it's clear to see But, darling, stay with me Oh, won't you stay with me? Cause you're all I need This ain't love, it's clear to see But, darling, stay with me Last Christmas, I gave you my heart But the very next day, you gave it away This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special Last Christmas, I gave you my heart But the very next day, you gave it away This year, to save me from tears