The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e13 Episode Script

***********Richard,you go grab us seats up front.
I dot want to sit up front.
That's where all the kiss-asses sit.
Yeah,well,you know what? From now on,that's us.
So go grab three seats,and we'll pucker up.
Why are you being such a nerd? Because tonight's the night we get all the information for Ritchie to start junior high next year.
It's all new teachers,it's a new principal,it's a new opportunity for us to impress.
Then you might want to untuck your skirt from your underpants.
Ritchie's gonna need all the help he can get.
We can't be responsible for giving him a bad name.
The kid's middle name is "Mortimer".
He's going to get teased before he sharpens his pencil.
Hey,you know,great Uncle Mortimer was tough.
He was a World War II hero.
For the Germans.
Well,let's not pick sides,okay? Hello,Campbells and company.
Welcome to Seventh Grade Survival Night.
Here are your packets and name tags.
"Mrs.
Richard Campbell"? "Ex Mrs.
Richard Campbell".
We take pride in such different things.
Where's,uh,where's my name tag? Oh,sorry.
We never know which members of your ragtag band of misfits are gonna show up.
What,what is wrong with her? Oh,uh,Lindsay's retaing a lot of fluid.
Her fingers are so swollen she can hardly function.
Look at her.
She has Mickey Mouse hands.
It hurts.
Not to mention her hemorrhoids.
Yes,I saidnotto mention my hemorrhoids! Oh,wait,Matthew,Matthew.
I'm going to sign up for some of these volunteer positions.
Wait.
How are you going to find time to serve on all these committees? You're a working mom and a part-time alcoholic.
I know.
That's why I'm signingyouup.
Welcome,everyone.
My name is Principal James Merrow.
And if you could please take a seat,we can begin our presentation.
Seventh grade marks the beginning Yeah,Principal Merrow? Yes,uh,is there gonna be a summer reading list? I'll be getting to that.
Yeah.
But we do recommend three books over the summer.
Oh,okay.
Three books over,uh,summer.
All the information is in your packets.
In the packet.
You don't have to take notes.
Don't need to take notes.
proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ of Old Christine Season04 Episode13 We are going to take a short break.
If anyone needs to use the restroom,you can see me for a hall pass.
Thank you.
Principal Merrow,uh,first of all,hilarious.
I'm,um,I Christine Campbell.
My son Ritchie's gonna be entering the seventh grade next year,obviously,and Oh,uh,I,uh,I brought a,uh,photo of him for you, along with two gift cards to a coffeehouse.
Courtesy of the Campbells.
Oh,this is my ex-husband Richard,and this is my brother Matthew,Ritchie's uncle.
You know,this evening is all about helping the kids and the parents get through this transition we call "junior high.
" You know,it can be pretty tough on kids.
Yeah,your body grows,your confidence shrinks, and suddenly no one's afraid of the light saber you claim to have in your pocket.
It's not very often you get to learn so much about a new family without asking.
Excuse me.
Well,we did great.
We're not gonna fall through the cracks this year.
No,I'm pretty sure you're already on some kind of list.
I'm doing this for Ritchie.
Christine,we see what you're doing.
I'm not doing anything.
You're kissing up to Principal Merrow to get preferential treatment for your kid.
Oh,yeah,I'm doing that.
And it's working.
Oh,you didn't need to tell us it works.
Our kids still rea at a second-grade level, yet they've been alternating students of the month since preschool.
Yeah,it's kind of sad they can't even read the bumper sticker.
Who's that? Oh,that's Todd Watski.
He's a new parent.
Wow,it's amazing how you see divorced men when nobody else can.
It's like the sixth sense.
No,I know that guy.
I went to school with him.
Oh,he's poor.
Excuse me.
Hey,you guys,Todd Watski's here! - Oh,my God,you're kidding! - No.
Who's that? He ruined my life in seventh grade.
Is that our neighbor who used to pay you three dollars to run through the sprinklers? No,that didn't ruin my life.
That paid for my ski trip.
No,no,no,Todd Watski.
He ruined my life.
There was this dance in seventh grade and Todd Watski asked me to go,and I said no.
Because he didn't have three dollars? Shut up.
No,I was afraid to dance 'cause I had warts all over my hand.
Remember,Mom wouldn't take me to the dermatologist to get them burned off? No,she had the vet take a look at them when Jumbles got mange.
He said you were making them worse by chewing on them.
Well,I wasn't gonna wear that cone he gave me.
******he told everyone he touched my boob.
And I got the reputation for being easy.
But youareeasy.
NowI'm easy.
Probably because of what he did to me.
God,that nickname followed me all the way through high school: "C-cup Kimble.
" So he's also an exaggerator.
Shut up! Lookit,he's going into the computer lab.
I'm gonna go get him.
Wait.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind! Oh,not the last one.
Shut up! I am a grown woman and I can stick up for myself.
It's about time he heard what I have to say.
Oh,come on,It was a thousand years ago.
- It was ten years ago.
- It was 50 years ago.
All right,I'll give you 25.
Hey,hey,Todd Watski! Hold up.
Well,well,well.
Surprised? Come on.
Don't you recognize me? Think back.
Edith C.
Baker Junior High.
I went to Edith C.
Baker.
Yeah,I know.
So did I.
Oh,my God,we you my English teacher? No! I'm Christine Kimble! Right! Mrs.
Kimble from the cafeteria! No! How could you not remember me? We were in the same class.
I'm sorry.
It was a long time ago.
But it was nice to see you again,Kathleen.
No,no,no! No,it's Christine with a C! As in C-cup! I'll give you a B.
Yeah,I'll take it.
Barb,hey,Barb.
Hey,Christine.
You gonna see this movie,too? Mind if I join you? Oh,I'd love that.
Sort of like we're friends.
Sort of.
Hey,did they just cut us? They're the third people who've done that.
It's so rude.
And you didn't say anything? No,I did.
I told them,"You can't just walk in front of somebody and take cuts.
" I said they'd better take their place in line before I call the manager.
Good.
And what did the manager say? Nothing.
When I'm arguing things out in my head,I don't know how to make the other people speak.
I'll take care of this.
What are you gonna do? I'm just gonna explain that it's not polite to cut into a line, and there's sort of a social contract that we all must abide by in order to maintain a polite society.
I wish I'd said that in my head.
You know what? I'm gonna say it now.
That was good.
Hey,jackass,you cut us and now the movie's sold out.
I don't know.
Some old lady.
Yeah,he's gonna have to call you back.
I'm sorry.
I just need to explain to you that it's not polite to cut into a line, and there's sort of social contract that we all must abide by in order to maintain a polite society.
What does that mean? It means that you're gonna give my friend your tickets, or this old lady's gonna be waiting for you ass in the parking lot.
Thank you for abiding by the social contract.
And I didn't like it either! You guys,you are not gonna believe this.
- He had no idea who you were.
- He had no idea who I was.
- I don't believe it.
- I know.
How could that be? It was such a big event.
Most people don't remember what happened to them in seventh grade.
I don't even rember who I took to the prom.
You took me.
Yeah,it doesn't ring a bell.
Maybe it's you that's forgettable.
If I could ask everyone to please take your seats again.
I wanted to go over the seventh grade sex education curriculum with you.
And,and I know what all of you are probably thinking.
"My child is not mature enough to deal with topics like body development" intercourse masturbation.
Are you gonna be okay? I think so.
- You need to take a moment to gather yourself? - I think so.
It's a tricky time for kids because their bodies are changing at different rates.
Some more than others.
- What? What did you just say? - Nothing.
I'm just trying to listen.
Kids these days have a lot more social interaction.
They're hanging out at the malls,movie dates.
School dances.
- What? - What? Kids are much more sexually active than we were at this age.
I was rounding second in seventh grade.
Oh,my God,youdoremember me! Is there a problem? I don't have a problem.
C-cup? - I know what you're doing,Todd Watski.
- Christine,let it go.
- No,he lied! - Who cares? No,he does remember me! If you parents could please take your private conversations somewhere else, I'm about to run the film on menstruation, and I'm already about as uncomfortable as I could be.
All right,come with me,Todd Watski.
Hey,what's the name of her kid again? Uh,Jeffrey.
Puberty man It used to be Pubertymanoski,but when they got to Ellis Island I knew you rembered me.
Of course I remember you.
How could I forget? We went to second base.
I was just having a little fun.
Like when we went to second base.
You're a liar! You never got to second base.
Did,too.
I have a kid.
I've gone all the way.
No,I'm talking about with me.
You lied! And you ruined my reputation! - And you're still upset about it? - Yes! You owe me an apology.
- You're kidding.
- No.
All right,if you need an apology,I am sorry you think I didn't go to second base.
You didn't! And for your information,I don't need an apology,okay? I have overcome a lot of my insecurities to accomplish a lot in my life.
I own a gym,I am a mother,I'm divorced.
I-I don't have a boyfriend.
And I'm I'm a part-time alcoholic.
Wow,you're like Mary Tyler Moore.
Okay,I've struggled,but my struggles made me a winner.
What haveyoudone,Todd Watski? Where's your attitude gotten you in life? I was the CEO of a startup company.
Oh,nice.
Wasthe CEO? Of a startup? I sold it for half a billion dollars.
Halfa billion dollars.
I'm,I'm still a winner,you know? I mean,between you and me,I'm a distant second.
Overall,you know,I'm a Very good.
I feel good,you know? How often do you get to go back in time and right a wrong? I mean,not that I live in the past.
but you know,he did say I reminded him of Mary Tyler Moore.
Why is everyone staring at me? Maybe they're waiting for you to throw your hat.
So,Christine,everyone's talking about what happened between you and Todd Watski last night.
Yeah,well,I thought he had it coming.
Oh,Christine,we don't need to know the details of your sexual escapades.
What? What are you talking about? We heard you slept with him last night.
What? I didn't sleep with him.
That's what people are saying.
What people? Well,Todd Watski told us,and then we distributed it via the earthquake phone tree.
Yeah.
And you'll be glad to know that in the event of an emergency, the entire school can be notified in under eight minutes.
But I didn't sleep with him.
He was lying.
You have to call back the earthquake phone tree and tell them the truth.
- Oh,no,Christine,that's only for emergencies.
- Yeah,come on.
Oh,my God,he did it again! All,right,well,if Todd Watski wants to go old school on me,I'm gonna go old school on him.
Really old school,old ladies' school.
Nursing home school.
Shut up! All right,you have to stand guard while I'm in the men's bathroom.
I'm gonna show him.
Show him what? He's not gonna ruin my reputation at another school.
I'm gonna to do something I should have done 15 years ago.
Celebrate your 40th birthday? Would you stop it with the old lady jokes? I can only fight one man at a time.
Let's see how he likes it when I spread a rumor about him.
We're gonna get in trouble.
No,we're not.
We don't even go to this school.
All right,now you stand guard here.
Don't let anyone in.
What do I do if somebody's coming? - The code word is "chicken butt.
" - What? Why? 'Cause that used to be my favorite joke.
- Oh,guess what? - What? Chicken butt.
That is not a joke.
Yes,it is.
It has the word "butt" in it.
What's going on here? Uh,nothing.
It's cool,sir.
Just hangin'.
Don't you have somewhere you need to be? I don't know,sir.
Is there something you want to tell me? - Guess what? - What? Chicken butt.
That's good.
Busted.
You guys,I had the most exciting day today.
Christine,can it wait until afterDr.
Phil? He's got a whole group of housewife hookers,and they're giving them makeovers.
It's amazing what a little lip liner and no self-esteem can do.
Too bad.
I'm standing up for myself like Barb taught me.
I didn't teach you to turn off the TV.
Anyway,I was thinking about how I've been assistant at the firm for over five years, and I've never been promoted.
So instead of being ignored,I went into my boss's office demanding a promotion.
And I did it just like you,Barb.
Well,not exactly.
I changed the word "jackass" to "joker.
" Just to make it my own.
So what happened? I got fired.
Fired? Fired? Oh,no! Oh,no! Thanks a lot,Barb! I didn't tell her to get fired.
Richard,it was about time I spoke up.
I've been sitting there silently every day answering phones, validating parking,opening mail,getting my butt slapped by every partner in the firm.
What? You said you couldn't validate my parking! I mean,they slapped your butt? Except I kept a journal of all the butt slaps.
When I told my boss about that,he gave me the promotion.
And I got myself a raise.
A raise? A raise? Hooray! Hooray! Thanks a lot,Barb.
And you'll be expected to clean up the mess you made.
Why should I have to clean it up? He should have to clean it up.
He started it.
What's wrong with you,Mrs.
Campbell? You're a grown woman.
The rumor isn't true,you know? I didn't sleep with him.
Does it matter if the rumor's true or not.
But it does matter because it isn't true.
You know,I was really trying to make a good impression so my son would have an easier time making the adjustment.
And where does Todd Watski's teeny weenie fit into that plan? You just said,"Where does his weenie fit in?".
Mrs.
Campbell,stop it.
Stop! What you need to do is to express to Mr.
Watski how you felt when he said those things about you.
He's just so mean to me.
Boys can be difficult at his age.
Be patient.
Hey,Todd Watski.
C-cup.
Somebody wrote something terrible about me in the bathroom.
Oh,really? That's rude.
Almost as rude as someone saying terrible things about me at my son's school.
At least mine was a compliment.
Yours was a lie.
How is sleeping with you a compliment? I think we see me differently.
Look,I didn't mean for this to happen.
Marly and Lindsey assumed we slept together for some reason,and I just didn't deny it.
I'm new here.
I panicked.
Well,it hurts,okay? And what you spread about me in seventh grade hurt,too.
It may have hurt you,but it made me a superstar.
How so? Because in seventh grade,everyone thought I copped a feel from the hottest girl in junior high.
Yeah,well,that may be,but Hottest girl? As if.
Are you kidding? Every guy had a crush on Christine Kimble.
And then here I am,brand-new at this school,trying to fit in, and suddenly everyone thinks I slept with the hottest mom at Westbridge.
Hottest mom? Whatever.
I'm sorry.
I should have corrected them,but it felt good to be popular.
Can I buy you a cup of coffee? I don't know.
Can you? God,Todd,don't just stand there staring at me.
Well,there won't be any more rumors spread about me at the school.
I approached Todd Watski like an adult,and we talked it out.
We really connected.
Oh,God,what did you do? I let him touch my boob.
- That's all? - Yeah.
I told him if he wanted more,he'd have to buy me something.
Look at you.
You're gonna make it after all.