The Ranch (2016) s04e13 Episode Script

1 Dad! Dad! Turn on the TV! Turn on the TV! Colt! Colt! Be a man.
Be a man.
Yeah, very funny.
You think this dewy complexion makes it through the winter by fucking accident? Oh, shit.
There's Tanya.
Oh, man, I love it when there's bad weather up in Maine, 'cause then she's gotta jump up to reach it.
Look at that.
They're calling this thing a polar vortex.
Whatever in the fuck that is.
Supposed to get down to 30 below with the wind chill.
Yeah.
It's gonna be brutal on the herd.
Although, "polar vortex" is kind of a kick-ass superhero name for Tanya, huh? She can't find love 'cause she's got a frozen heart.
And the only thing that'll thaw it is true love's kiss from me.
Better check out your wind breaks if any of your cows are gonna survive.
Yeah, I know.
Make sure they got enough hay, break up the ice in the troughs, see if I can get Luke to stick his tongue to a metal pole You know, after you turn 30, your tongue doesn't stick anymore.
No shit.
Yeah.
You oughta try it.
Hey, Beau, you might want to check the tire pressure on your Oh, my goodness! Who is that? Tanya Showers.
Show some respect and take off your hat.
Yeah.
Why wasn't she on our USO tour? Brr! We had fucking Al Roker.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, shit, look at you! You got a haircut and a shave.
What are you gonna do next, start paying your taxes? I don't want to brag, but my stylist told me I look like a well-hung Chris Evans.
I thought you cut your own hair.
I didn't say who the stylist was.
- [TANYA.]
It's birthday time! - Oh! Shh, be quiet! All of us here at the station want to wish a very happy birthday to Colt Bennett.
[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHING.]
That's pretty sweet, huh? Why is she wishing you a happy birthday? Because it's my birthday.
Oh Happy birthday.
Your present is you can still live here.
Even after you came downstairs wearing that fucking mask.
Look at you being sweet 'cause it's my birthday.
How'd you get her to do that? I'm the shit.
Colt, Morty, and Rose all turned 100 today.
- [SNICKERING.]
- It says here Morty enjoys playing the piano, and Colt has infinity dollars.
Way to go, Colt! Fucking A! I'm rich, bitch! Okay, let's go.
Hey, I gotta run out and get those cows ready for the storm.
You gotta muck the stalls.
After that, we'll go make sure those windbreaks are good.
Why do I always have to muck the stalls? Why don't we use some of your infinity dollars to hire somebody? It's the most important job here, okay? Those stalls don't get clean, and the cows get sick.
Sick cows mean no money.
No money means no beer.
No beer means we die.
And I don't wanna die.
I wanna live.
I wanna live happily ever after with The Polar Vortex.
- Hey.
- Hey, Abby.
Hey, how's my peapod doing? She's good, she's sleeping.
[COLT.]
Hey.
Happy birthday.
Aw! [ABBY LAUGHS.]
I made you a cake.
Shut the front door! - That is so sweet, thank you.
- Yeah, and the last time I saw it was on top of the minivan when I was strapping in Peyton.
Oh.
Better than the other way around, though.
Well, at least you got that hot weather lady - to wish you happy birthday.
- Hey.
Luke, she's got a name, okay? It's Tanya Showers.
All right, I guess I should go muck those stalls.
By the way, the cow in stall three Boy, she holds that eye contact when she takes a dump, huh? It's fucking weird.
- [COLT MOOING.]
- [ABBY LAUGHS.]
So, listen, my parents can take Peyton tonight if you wanna go to Charlie's for a steak dinner.
You asking me out on a date? No! I'm you know, asking you out to celebrate your birthday.
At, like, a romantic restaurant A romantic restaurant? C'mon, they have a picture of your dad on the wall, eating a porterhouse for three.
Okay, all I know is that when I go into the bathroom at Charlie's, I get to pee on ice, and that's fucking fancy.
So it's a date.
It's not a It's not a date.
- It's a date.
- It's not.
Oh, it's a date.
[IMITATES FUNK GUITAR.]
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Get down.
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold And they'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lone Star belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day If you don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors and lawyers And such Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
Hey.
Hey.
Hey [MOCKING.]
Hey Where you been? Beer Pong called me down to the station to talk about this whole Nick situation.
I tell ya, this town really takes murder seriously.
Makes me miss Detroit, you know? Back there, it's just like jaywalking.
He got any new evidence, or he just hassling people? Oh, I have no idea.
But I'm a person of interest.
I mean, I know that makes me a suspect, but after no one swiping right for two months, feels kinda good.
Oh, by the way, picked you up a little birthday present down at the police station.
Oh! You stole Beer Pong's gun for me! [LUKE.]
Yeah.
I know how happy it makes you to fuck with your friend and put his job in jeopardy, so Thank you.
Hey, just to plant a seed For my 40th, I would just love a squad car.
It's gonna be a little harder to smuggle out in my butt crack, but I'm your huckleberry.
Hey, uh - We got troubles.
- Yeah? When it gets cold out, the cows eat a lot more hay.
And we ain't got enough.
And we ain't got enough money to buy any new hay.
[LUKE.]
Hmm.
Well, I got an idea.
When I was leaving the station, I ran into Kincaid.
He said he's gonna feed his herd grain to get 'em through.
What? No, he can't do that.
Why not? He said it was cheaper.
No, our deal with Outback says we're gonna deliver 100% grass-fed beef.
We give 'em grain, we're gonna blow that deal, and we're gonna ruin our reputation.
He said no one can tell the difference.
Just 'cause you can get away with shit don't mean you should do it.
You're holding a cop's gun.
[STAMMERS.]
Yeah, and the minute Billy makes me write a contract that says I won't steal anymore, that'd be different story.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What happened to your headlight? Did your Chevy mouth off to a Ford? You'll never believe it, some idiot in a Prius I believe it.
This asshole, he puts on his brakes right in front of me.
There's nothing I can do.
And then he comes out whining about me damaging his charge port.
I didn't know the "baby on board" sticker was talking about him.
You should be thankful no one was hurt, and a Prius was.
Yeah, but now I have to get this headlight replaced before I go to Arizona in a couple weeks.
It would be easier if your daughter came here for a visit.
You said yourself, your granddaughter was starting to read.
She could help Colt.
They can't come.
The Arizona Department of Corrections won't let my daughter leave her house, much less the state.
Forced to stay in Arizona? That's cruel and unusual punishment.
Maybe I should take you.
Oh, yeah, that sounds like fun.
You want to drive me to Arizona because of a little fender bender? I told you it wasn't my fault.
Anyway, he deserved it, that driver was an adult man listening to Justin Bieber.
I don't know who that is, but based on both "Justin" and "Bieber," I don't care for him.
I was already thinking you driving all that way wasn't such a good idea.
Especially in the winter.
You know with your condition.
Oh.
Well, you think the accident was my fault, because of my condition? You can just call it what it is, it's Alzheimer's.
I don't tell people you have a condition.
I call it what it is.
You being an asshole.
Joanne, that's not what I'm saying.
The other night for dinner, you forgot you made a salad, then you made a whole other salad.
What the hell are we gonna do with two salads? I've driven that road a thousand times.
I'm perfectly capable of getting there safely.
This is ridiculous.
I'm taking you.
I already said no.
Joanne, you're not driving.
That's all there is to it.
Well, it's not up to you.
And by the way, for dinner, you're getting a fucking salad.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
All right, settle.
All right.
No more grain.
- Hollister's got enough hay for all of us.
- Yep.
I'll have my boy Mike load it up, if he can take five minutes away from fuckin' Fortnite.
Yep.
I've spent countless hours watching him play on YouTube videos.
That boy's wasting his life.
All right, so Kincaid and I, we got enough windbreakers to throw in for everybody.
Yep.
So, should be good there, and, Toby, work on getting you a new shirt.
Maybe something from the men's department.
Fuck you, Bennett! Whoa! You kiss your inflatable girlfriend with that mouth? All right.
We're all good.
See? This is why we formed a co-op.
Help each other out.
Got each other's backs.
Let's bring it in.
"No grain" on three.
One, two [ONLY COLT.]
No grain! No grain.
Yeah.
We'll work on that.
Hey, what's going on? Oh, just the smartest ranchers in Garrison solving some problems.
And Toby.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah, good one, Hollister! Hey, Luke.
Want a beer or whiskey or something? I told Marie to put everything on Toby's tab.
Hey, Brett, can I get a shot of whiskey with a $20 bill in it? So was that a co-op meeting? Well, it was a co-op meeting/birthday party.
Everybody sang to me, then Hollister started talking about how today is the seven-year anniversary of the death of his wife, so we just kinda moved on.
Why wouldn't you tell me there was a meeting? I'm your partner.
If you're making decisions, I want a say.
Yeah, we're partners, but I know a lot more about ranching than you do.
Really? How's your tongue, Colt? That ain't ranchin'.
I'm not a science guy.
All right.
Well, I'm starting to feel a lot less like your partner, and more like some idiot who gave you all my money so you can boss me around, and make me do the shit work, all right? It's starting to feel like my first marriage.
For some reason, I see your skinny ass naked more than hers.
Look, man, this cold snap ain't no joke.
We could lose everything, all right? Ain't got time to hold your hand and make sure your feelings don't get hurt.
Well, you listen, if it's about business, I expect to be included.
You wanna treat me like a fucking ranch hand, you can pay me.
If I was gonna hire a ranch hand, I'd hire one that knows what the fuck they're doing.
You know what, I don't need this.
You have fun checking that wind fence by yourself.
So, Toby's got a tab? - Drink up, Shriners.
- Yeah! [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY.]
[ENGINE STOPS, DOOR SLAMS.]
Oh, boy.
It's freezing out here.
Colder than a witch's tit, as my mother used to say.
Then my daddy would say, "Well, you oughta know".
What happened here? Joanne got in a fender bender.
Some guy named Justin Bieber or something.
The Biebs was in Garrison? Bullshit! I read on his Insta that he's in Fiji with Hailey.
I hate that there are people who understand what you just said.
Oh, how is Joanne? She's fine.
I just don't think she oughta be driving anymore.
You know, with her Alzheimer's.
Course, when I told her that, I'm an asshole for just trying to keep her safe.
It's not about driving, Beau.
Joanne's disease is gonna take everything from her, eventually.
And she don't need you taking it from her first.
What am I supposed to do? Just let her go get in another accident? Do you trust Joanne? Of course I do.
Even gave her a key to my bunker.
If we're still together in another year, I'll tell her where it is.
Then you got to trust that she'll know when to start making changes.
Yeah.
I guess that's good advice.
I know it is.
Let me give you another piece of advice.
When your friend gets a new pair of boots, you pay him a fucking compliment.
[WIND GUSTING.]
Hey, Siri, call Abby.
[SIRI.]
Calling Annie.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
"Switch from Google," yeah, that's a great idea.
[CALL RINGING.]
[ABBY.]
Hey, Colt.
Hey, Ab.
[ABBY.]
Please tell me you're not canceling on me.
I spent 20 minutes shoving myself in these Spanx, and of course, as soon as I got them on, I had to pee.
No, Luke just bailed on me, so I'm running a little bit behind.
I promise I'll be there on time.
Hey, by the way, do you usually wear Spanx for not-a-date? [ABBY.]
I don't know, do you? Those ain't Spanx! Those are Nike Dri-FIT pure tone compression leggings.
Von Miller wears 'em.
- [ABBY.]
Not under his Dockers.
- [COLT LAUGHS.]
Whatever.
I'll pick you up at seven for our date.
[ABBY.]
Not a date, last word, bye! - [LOUD CLUNK.]
- [COLT GRUNTS.]
[COLT GRUNTING IN PAIN.]
[STRAINING.]
Ah! Oh, fuck.
[GROANS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Listen I had no right to tell you to stop driving, and I'm sorry.
Well, I appreciate you saying that.
Thanks for fixing my headlight.
It was easy to find the part.
The junkyard was full of Chevies.
Look, I really do think it was just an accident, but I'm sorry I got so defensive.
I've always been independent.
It's something I'm really proud of.
That, and the fact that I've never worn overalls.
It's just one more reason I'm ashamed of Colt.
Thanks to my fucking disease, there's gonna come a time when I'm completely dependent on other people.
And I won't be able to drive at all.
I'm just not ready for that day to be today.
Yeah, I know.
You don't want to lose your freedom.
I hate having things done for me.
You're looking at a man who's never taken an escalator.
It's just I'm afraid of losing you.
I know, I'm afraid of that too, but we can't let my condition dictate our lives.
I agree.
When it's time for you to stop driving, you'll know.
And if you want to drive to Arizona, you should.
And I should stop worrying.
Your Chevy's gonna break down before your mind is.
Now your condition's flaring up again.
Well, I came up with a little compromise.
Bought myself a bus ticket to Phoenix.
- Really? - Yep.
That doesn't mean I'm done driving, but you don't have to worry about me going to visit my daughter.
Thank you.
Are there really enough people that want to go to Arizona that they can fill up a whole bus? - Hi.
- Hey, Abby.
- Boy, you look nice.
- Oh, thanks.
You and Colt going on a date? 100% not a date.
We're just going to dinner for his birthday.
It's his birthday? Why didn't you tell me that? Oh, right, it's his birthday.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, he was supposed to pick me up a half-hour ago, but he's not answering his phone.
Although, he did just get a new iPhone, and those four-digit passcodes can be tough for him, I'm sure.
Well, he does have his hands full, getting ready for this cold snap.
Although I wouldn't be surprised if he's out there with his tongue stuck to a pole.
Yeah.
It's just weird, I talked to him an hour ago.
Hang on.
[POPS CAN LOUDLY.]
Nope, he's not here.
Somebody just crack open a beer? Have you seen Colt? Nope, and I don't want to.
Okay? I'm sick of him treating me like a kid.
Doesn't think I can handle even the smallest thing around here.
Joanne, could you help me with my zipper? It's stuck.
Hope everything's okay.
It's brutal out there.
I'm gonna go look for him.
I'll go with you.
We'll cover more ground if we take two trucks.
Well, I'll go with you, Beau, and, Luke, you go with Abby.
Come on, I just got my zipper undone.
I'm not leaving till you let me help you clean up.
You're welcome.
[LOUD SLAM.]
[YELLS.]
Ah! [GRUNTS.]
Hey, God.
I know it's been a while.
I think the last time we talked was right before that Powerball drawing.
You kinda let me down on that one.
Here's your chance to make it up.
[GRUNTS.]
One Two [SCREAMING.]
[HUFFING.]
[GROANS.]
Ah! I'll remember that when the collection plate comes around.
Hey, Siri.
Hey, Siri! [YELLING.]
Hey, Siri! - [PHONE BEEPS.]
- [SIRI.]
What can I help you with? Call Abby.
[SIRI.]
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
Call the police.
Playing The Police.
No! Call the police! Trying to find listings for "mall in Belize.
" Fucking mother Just get me the right answer.
Oh! Happy fuckin' birthday to me.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Happy birthday God, it's so cold.
How long do you think someone could last in this weather? I don't know.
But bears live out here full-time.
No, they don't.
I mean, they hibernate.
Right.
Well, at least Colt won't be eaten by a bear.
You know what, I'm gonna roll the window down just in case he's yelling for help.
Oh, fuck, it's cold! - Up! - You know what, I'm sure we'll see him.
I'm sure we'll see him.
Fuck, I should've never let him come out here alone.
What happened, anyway? Well, you know when someone throws a really fun party, and they don't invite you? That's what Colt did.
But instead of a really fun party, it was a meeting with stinky old ranchers.
Stinky old ranchers, why wasn't I invited? I don't mind doing the shit work, but decisions are being made, I expect to be included.
Not that this excuses it, but he's basically treating you exactly the same way his dad treated him.
Colt, you know, never got to make any of the decisions.
Beau made all the major decisions.
Well, then he should know how I feel.
Well, he's just, you know he's under a lot of stress.
The Iron River gone The Bennett family ranch and legacy dies if he doesn't keep this place going.
I know that he loves having you around.
Just the other day, he said if it was between saving your life and never drinking beer again, he would be really, really sad that, you know, you were dead.
That's really sweet.
I wouldn't pick him over beer, either.
[ABBY LAUGHS.]
Where the fuck is he? Okay, let's think about this.
You said he was checking the windbreak, and on the call, he said he was almost done.
Yeah, right.
And when we ride fence, we start at the farthest point, - and work our way in.
- Okay.
He's even got a stupid rhyme for it.
"Start the day farthest away, work till night, then drink Coors beer.
" Why wouldn't it be "Work all night, then drink Coors Light"? Because Coors Light taste like ass? Right.
Well, let's check the east pasture 'cause that's closest to the house.
"Finish your chores, then drink some Coors.
" I mean, this is not that hard.
"Mow the grass, drink that Coors Light ass.
" Yeah! Help! Help! [SIRI.]
You told Luke you didn't need help.
Abby? [SIRI.]
Abby's not here either.
Siri? What the hell's going on? [SIRI.]
You're freezing to death, and you're going fucking crazy.
I'd use a bigger word, but you don't know any.
All right.
Whoever that is, just stop it.
Luke? Is that you? Quit fucking with me, man.
Just help me.
Help! [SIRI.]
No one's coming, Colt.
You're out here all alone, and you have no one to blame but yourself.
Fuck you, Siri.
[SIRI.]
Fuck me? Fuck you.
I have 74% battery life remaining.
You have less than five.
I don't wanna die like this.
[SIRI.]
Well, then, you shouldn't have been such a selfish asshole.
You know, you're mean.
[SIRI.]
It's not mean, it's the truth.
Because you only think about yourself.
You cost your father his ranch, drove Abby away, and now Luke wants nothing to do with you.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Just help me.
I I'll be a better partner.
A better son.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
A better husband, and a better father.
Just help me.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Siri? Siri? If you say my name I'll hear you calling I'll come a runnin' I'll come a runnin' I'll come a runnin' To you I'll come a runnin' I'll come a runnin' I'll come a runnin' To you