Workaholics s04e13 Episode Script

Welcome to American Gladiate-Ders! Contestant, you will have two minutes to finish the obstacle course without getting shot down by Blake.
Actually, uh, my gladiator name is "Slaybraham Lincoln.
" - Are you wearing my jammers? - Oh, yeah.
Hope you don't mind.
I pimp-my-rided them and kind of souped 'em up.
Not cool.
Okay, so, Adam, you will begin with the slingshot, which will propel you over the table to station one.
At station two, where the stationary bike is, you'll there's three things Whatever.
Go to three, four, five, six, seven, and you will end the course at the doors of destruction, one of which I'll be hiding behind to put you on your ass, boy! Gladiator ready! - Ready! - Contestant ready! I actually didn't hear a lot of what you just said, but get ready to see a man of action! And ready, go! [Whistle blows.]
- Oh! - Got him! Got got you! - No, you're out, that's it.
- Got you, got you! No, that doesn't count.
No, yeah, that counted, for sure.
You're out.
Those are the rules.
Mm, I think I just found some new rules.
Starting now.
Go! What You're out, though, dude! Ooh, pay the Piper! - It's a faulty course! - You're skipping stations.
- Ow! - Now you're dead again.
You're double dead.
- Ow! - Got him! Okay, that doesn't Second life! I've got a second life now.
Ders! He's cheating! - Okay.
Oh, hey.
- I'm coming, Dersey! He's disqualified, so Thank you.
Hey, guys, we got our lease.
You know we've been living together seven years? You know what that means? We're common law married! - We're married! - Married! Okay.
On the right side is where the sporks go, Blake.
The right.
See, I did the left.
And, Adam, if you wouldn't mind pouring some champagne for when we all sign the lease together.
I would love to, my dude husband.
Oh, wow, seven years.
Wow! - I mean, it's - Dude, I love champagne.
- Crazy.
- Whoo! - Oh, hey, oh! - Aah! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Celebration! Dude, we're supposed to save that for when we sign the lease together! Stop it! Yeah, this was supposed to be a nice dinner, I thought.
I'm living a loco life! Come on, guys.
Let's get shmacked, right? We're married dudes.
Married dudes don't get loco.
They have civilized dinners together, duh! Mm, I don't know.
I like my way a little better.
All right, look, everybody relax, all right? - Because I have - I'm relaxed! I have wedding gifts.
- Yeah, okay, sure.
- Yeah.
Ders, you're first up, and tell me how you like it.
I think those are my headphones.
Why are they covered with With well, they're shells and various, uh, - things from the sea because - Uh-huh.
Well, I know how much he likes water.
Blake, I don't want to hear the ocean.
I want to hear Robert Kelly.
I want to hear Ne-Yo.
I want to hear Usher! I don't want to hear the ocean! Jesus.
Wow, he has horrible taste in music.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
This wasn't even the best gift.
I made you the best gift 'cause you're my favorite.
I'm gonna close my eyes.
What do you think? You ruined my [Bleep.]
weight belt.
- You destroyed it.
- Uh, well You glued macaroni on it, and then you put - you love my butthole? - No.
"Blake's favorite tight butthole" is my butthole.
You know, it's kind of big on the Internet right now.
It's called "reclaimed art," so So you claim.
- So I claim, very good.
- Yeah.
Well, I don't see you giving any gifts.
- Here's my gift to you.
- Ooh, ooh, Ders! - You might want to get in here.
- Here's my gift to you.
We have some performance art from the genius.
I'm gonna get so shmacked tonight, and that usually correlates into us having one of the best time of our lifetime times, like that time that we partied - with seven Mary three - It wasn't And that was all because of me and my partying ways! - Okay.
- All right.
All right, all right.
Let's put it aside.
I can I can forget everything.
Now that I'm seeing the KFC, I'm getting excited.
Oh! Kentucky freaking chicken, baby! - Whoa, whoa.
- That's good, okay, I'm back.
- Now I'm back.
- Hey, sorry about that.
Let's dial it back.
We're out of dishes.
This isn't KFC, I just used the boxes and the buckets.
Uh, this is Norwegian food.
Kjottkaker, and then we've got fiskesuppe, and of course the COD tongue.
Wha what? Am I on Off Their Rockers? Is Betty white gonna walk her old ass in here? - What is this? - Okay.
I'm not gonna eat any Swedish fish unless it's actual Swedish fish, the kind that you get in the bag at the grocery store that's delicious, a little gummy treat.
For the 500th time, I'm Norwegian.
- This is Norwegian food.
- Okay.
It's totally different.
For the first time, you shouldn't bring in KFC unless it's actual KFC, - not this - Yep.
[Bleep.]
pig slop! I made all this for you guys.
I slaved all day.
The least you could say is "tusen takk," which is "a thousand thanks" in Norwegian.
- Hmm.
- How about no takks? Zero takks for you! I want real, American, delicious meats! There's Norway I'm gonna eat this! Hey! Norway [Bleep.]
sucks! Kentucky rules! Food fight! [Punk music.]
[All grunting.]
[Yells.]
[All shouting.]
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, well, we're out of food.
Oh! [Grunts.]
- Oh! - Oh! Aah! Why don't you go get shmacked loco somewhere, you bitch? Oh, I will, 'cause if I wasn't getting shmacked, not one loco thing would ever happen to either of you! Ho-ho! Who said we want it, man? Oh! You're lucky I don't shmack the loco out of your face! You know what, if we didn't go to college together, I probably wouldn't even be friends with you now, and I gave you a gift! The gift of my talent.
Talent? [Laughs.]
Please, you bitch! - You're a medium talent at best! - Oh, you're a bitch.
Aah! Yeah, well, I would have new friends.
I'd have friends like Macklemore and Ryan Lewis - if I didn't know you guys! - You know what, Demamp? You should think about quitting drinking.
Yeah, 'cause you're starting to get fat.
- Oh! - No, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I take that back.
You are a legitimate fat dude.
- Yeah.
- You take that back right now.
You are a chubby bitch.
Fat as John candy and not half as cool.
- Suck my lamp! - Oh! Oh! - You tried to murder me! - Yeah, I tried to murder you! Oh, now I'm taking it to the next level! - Aah! - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Okay.
Truce, truce, truce! - Truce.
- Truce.
- Truce.
- Okay.
Uh, that got very real.
- That got pretty real.
- We got out of hand.
If you guys want to start cleaning up, I'll go get dinner.
I'll pay for it.
A couple spicy Italians and a cold cut combo? It's double meat, double cheese.
And what, you think buying dinner's gonna get you out of this? This is your TV.
And, Blake, you tried to murder me.
I think maybe you should be the one cleaning up.
I'm not cleaning up the TV, and a matter of fact, I don't even know if I can stay here tonight because I don't feel comfortable being in the same house as you two.
- Yup.
- I'm out of here.
- No, I-I'm out of here.
- I'm out of here first.
I actually said it back there, and you guys didn't hear me.
- What? - What? No, I said - Yeah, I said it first.
- No, I said it first.
Okay, so we're all out of here.
[Somber music.]
- Come on.
- Ugh, it stinks.
- Yeah.
- Were you making Indian food? Nah.
That's just how it smells.
[Laughs.]
Well, regardless, thanks for letting me crash here.
You know, you've always appreciated me, unlike Ders and Adam.
Honestly, I could use the company.
I had a rough week.
I forgot to pick up Alice's dry cleaning, and she smushed coffee cake into my ear.
There's just some, like, cinnamon crumbles.
Well, you know what always cheers me up? - Huh? - I crack open a cold one.
I turn some Ying Yang twins on the old Pandora station, and I do some artsin' and craftin'.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that sounds like fun.
Oh, show's back on.
Okay.
Here's my bitch, right here.
- Ooh.
- Mm.
I got a lot of money riding on this dog show.
There we go! Go, bitch.
[Laughs.]
Is that my hat? I know that is.
That is my hat, man.
Why you take it from me, man? The park is closed! The park is closed.
Read the sign.
Those are the rules.
Hey, we got a new rule.
Shut the [Bleep.]
up.
[Laughter.]
Oh, sounds like somebody's fluent in the language of cuss.
Doesn't impress me, buddy.
Oh, you just violated the new rule of shutting the [Bleep.]
up.
Okay, well, if that's the rule, then you violated it by telling it to me.
Don't tangle with the king, all right? I know what I'm doing, all right? Now, hand over the beers.
I know you guys are underage.
[Scoffs.]
- Stop slamming.
- [Burps.]
Then I'm taking this one.
I want you guys out of here by the time I'm done taking my night dump, or I'm calling the cops.
Oh, my gosh.
The police? - The 5-0.
- Oh, okay.
All right? Hey, why you walking like that, man? You got something stuck up there? Super dookie! [Laughs.]
- Get out of here.
- [Coughs.]
I'm a quick [Bleep.]
.
Whoa! - What is this, pool? - Yeah.
That's cool.
Felt, wood.
Sticks, balls.
Nice.
You guys want to chug some beers with me? - Free beers? - Yeah, I brought 'em over.
I was like, "these dudes look cool.
"I want to be best friends with them and hang out with them all the time.
" [Glasses clink.]
Chugging beers with my friends.
Whoo! Getting shmacked! Getting loco.
We livin' that loco life.
who I love now and not for my friends who I don't love now.
I love you, dudes.
You guys are cool.
Well, well, well.
Aren't you a rowdy little bear cub? - [Growls.]
- [Growls.]
Rowdy Roddy bear hug.
- Coming at you! - Whoa! - [Growls.]
- [Growls.]
Oh, you're way stronger than I am.
- Hey, buddy.
- You're way stronger than I am.
Hey, you got to bring it down a little bit.
People are trying to watch the game here.
[Mocking deep voice.]
Yeah, okay, no, I will.
Oh, I'll listen to everything you say 'cause - of your imposing voice oh! - All right, you're done.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Watch out, man, come on.
I got beers back at my place.
Yeah, I'm gonna go back to his place.
I don't want to be in this stupid place.
Let's go! Let's go! Come on, you little bitch.
Yummy, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
And here are those fajitas that you demanded of me The Weimaraner? Are you [Bleep.]
me? No! Uh, what's happening? I put 400 bucks on the schnauzer to take it all, and he [Bleep.]
took a dump mid-trot.
- Oh.
- That's gonna cost us the win! - Who does that? - Okay.
All right, all right, all right.
Maybe, maybe Hear me out, maybe this will cheer you up, okay? I made a little something for you to, you know, say thank you for letting me stay here.
You didn't have to do that.
I just arts and crafted something.
- Yeah? - I hope you like it.
[Laughs.]
I kind of made some adjustments in the br-bra area, the chest area.
- That's my favorite dress.
- Right? My Korean mom gave it to me! You ruined it! I wouldn't say I ruined it.
I kind of reinterpreted it.
A lot of girls are doing it on Tumblr.
You just reinterpreted garbage.
Wha whoa! Okay! You reinterpret this, you piece of [Bleep.]
! You touch one more thing in this house, and I will [Bleep.]
cut your hands off.
- Yep.
- I'm going to bed! Yep.
Sweet dreams.
I said no sour cream.
Oh no, no.
Oh.
Tonight you sleep in the tub, like an ass[Bleep.]
would.
Well, it's, uh It's only 6:30.
[Banging on door.]
Occupied! Someone's in here.
- Hey! Hey! Hey! - Hey! Hey! Hey! - Police! - What the hell? New rule! No [Bleep.]
after 5:00! Oh, no, no! Oh, no, no! [Sputtering.]
[Coughing.]
No! Oh, blue dookie! [Gags.]
Somebody take a picture! Dude, take a picture.
[Yelling.]
[Laughs.]
Hey, shut up! We're trying to take a picture! Can't believe you carried me all the way home, man.
You're strong.
- [Groans.]
- Want some bed beer? - Blake loved bed beers.
- Oh, was Blake your partner? Yeah.
He's my partner.
At least he was.
We lived together for seven years.
We were basically married.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
I've been there.
All right.
Oh! Is that your hard dick? [Laughs.]
Yeah.
- Your dick is hard right now? - Yeah, it is.
Wow.
It is 2:00 A.
M.
, and your penis is already hard? You get morning wood this early? That is incredible.
You're like a superhero.
When did you guys break up? [Sighs.]
A couple of hours ago.
Okay, wow.
Uh, yeah, this is a This is a bad idea.
I'm just gonna go jerk off.
- [Grunts.]
- Okay.
Well, you didn't need to tell me that, dude.
That's something you just kind of keep to yourself.
[Planetarian's Swim.]
Only darkness I'm alone with you inside the pond sinking under and the sun flies by meanwhile you're gone Hey, Blake.
[Laughs.]
Sorry about earlier.
I was, you know, being so - Crazy.
- No! I was gonna say "tipsy"! I'm not crazy! What's crazy about me, Blake? Huh? Is this crazy? I meant tips Welcome to motel Jillian! We leave the shower on.
Lights off! [Groans.]
[Buttons beeping.]
[Spits.]
Just buy it.
Just buy it.
Can you not type so loud, dude? I'm not shh, shut up, I'm talking to someone.
Hey, some of the phones are acting spotty, so we have a tech guy coming through to check it out.
That's great to know.
Yeah, and I want you to know that I had probably the best night of my life last night.
- [Scoffs.]
- Yeah, you know? It was full of laughter and funny situations.
It was like living in an episode of Hangin' With Mr.
Cooper.
- Hmm.
- Cool.
I also had one of the best times of my life last night.
It was so much fun! Oh, my God! It was like an episode of California Dreaming.
It's cool that you guys had TV show nights.
I had a movie night.
It was like Bebe's Kids.
Hey, why don't you Quantum Leap back on the phones? That was good actually.
So why don't we just take this lease, rip it up, move out.
- I'd love that.
- Mm, I'd love that more.
Okay, well, fine, then why don't we go back to the house after work? We'll split up the security deposit, and then that's it.
- I'd love that.
- Okay.
I'd love that more.
Well, then why don't you marry it, Adam? Maybe I will this time! Fine, but it's not gonna be very good 'cause you're not a great husband.
I've experienced it.
I can't wait to never see you guys ever again starting now.
Split up our belongings, and then we just - We'll move out oh! - [Yells.]
- What was that? - Oh, my God.
That is a mouse with a rat face and a rat tail.
- Oh! - Ooh.
It's like Fievel Goes Oh, my God! [All shouting.]
Dude, go, go! - Ooh.
- Okay.
- Whoo! - Oh, my God.
You guys, we're not gonna get our security deposit back with those things running around in there.
[All yelling.]
[Heavy metal music.]
Falcon punch! [Rat squeaks.]
[Yelling.]
[Rat squeaking.]
[Yells.]
[Grunting.]
[Rat squeaking.]
[All grunting.]
- [Rat squeaking.]
- Oh! Oh, yeah! All: Dip forward and back and kick and - Yeah.
- Yeah.
[Grunts.]
Aah! - [Rat squeaking.]
- [Grunts.]
Whoo! [All grunting.]
- We are the rat busters! - [Sighs.]
That was awesome.
I was like, aah! The one The one eye popped out, and I saw you, you were like, "kaboosh!" Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just kabooshed it so hard.
- Thank you.
- Ders, you got a squadoosh.
- I saw that.
- Yeah, I did.
That was awesome I love being maniacs with you guys.
Pretty good last adventure.
[Clicks tongue.]
Last one.
- Yeah.
- Yep.
Frickin' hate you dudes.
[Laughter.]
You guys suck.
- Oh, [Bleep.]
you.
- You're a bitch.
- Yeah, you're a bitch.
- You're a bitch too.
If I saw you in the streets, I'd be like, "let's gun this dude down.
I hate him.
" - Shut up.
- I hate you.
- Shut up, bitch.
- You shut up.
[Rat squeaks.]
Another rat! - Final adventure extended! - Okay! - Here we go! - Whoo! [Rats squeaking.]
[All screaming.]
- Oh, okay.
- Ew! Ew! Yep.
No, that is a that's a nest.
That's what they call a rat nest, and it is huge.
They're all just in there just [Bleep.]
, just humping on top of each other.
- What should we do? - Well, let's just, uh, go get shmacked, right, and assume that someone else - will take care of this.
- No! - Hey, look.
- Yep.
This is our problem.
We're gonna step up, and it's gonna happen by Blake coming up with one of your creative, crazy ideas to get those rats out of here and into some kind of box or container.
I don't know, guys.
I just - Come on.
- Oh, I am a freakin' full-grown baby genius.
I got it, yeah.
A pizza suit.
Put a bunch of pizza on this On a suit, and then the rats all come to it and they and they ge - They start eatin' it - Oh, that's good.
And then while they're eatin' it you strip it off and you you put it on the The slingshot from the American Gladiate-Ders, right? - Oh, that's good! - Yes! Ders, yeah.
And then we launch it into space! Yeah, or at least the neighbor's yard.
- Yeah, exactly, you know? - Yeah, yeah.
Now I guess all we got to find is somebody loco enough to get in that suit, right? - Exactly.
- My cousin Danny's loco.
At family barbeques, he'll take his penis out and put it in a hotdog bun and will walk around to my aunt and be like [English accent.]
"Are you hungry for some sausages?" And then he's not even British.
Okay, yeah.
That's loco.
I-I was referring to you though.
- You guys think I'm loco? - Yeah.
- [English accent.]
- Well, I would be honored.
- All right.
- All right.
Don't do the accent, though.
Okay, well, then I would be I would be honored.
- Cool.
- Yeah, okay.
[Grunts.]
[Rats squeaking.]
[Yells.]
[Rats squealing.]
- [Screams.]
- Whoa! - Oh! Oh! - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! They're biting through my suit! I can feel their teeth! - Oh, God! Oh, man! - I can't I can't get to the zipper, man, just Okay, wiggle out! Wiggle out! Oh, I can't! I think my shoulders are too muscular! Oh, God! They're pooping and biting me! Oh, my God, look at His balls are huge! I can't get to the zipper, man! - Oh, God.
- Hey! Whoa, okay! They're biting.
They are biting.
- Oh, God! - If you die in that suit, at least you're shmacked and loco.
You guys are my best friends! Please help me save my life! - [Screams.]
- Look, oh! Look, man, I'm sorry.
I-I missed you guys! I tried to text you last night.
I wussed out.
I wanted to text you too.
I'll admit it.
I'm a bitch-ass who loves my friends! I'm a bitch-ass! - Okay, okay, okay.
- [Screams.]
- I got it, I got it, I got it! - [Yells.]
- Here, put it in the basket! - Ow! Ow! - Get it, get it! Ow! - Get it in! One All: One, two, three.
Three! Oh! [Hip-hop music.]
[Yelling.]
They're mostly gone.
I think we did it.
- No, there's one.
- Huh? - [Grunts.]
- Rat splat! All: Oh! - Oh, direct hit.
- Oh, no! Oh, his melon just - Oh, it just that exploded.
- Rat blood in my eyes.
- Okay.
- That was disgusting.
- Ooh.
- Once again, pretty good last adventure, boys.
Whoo! Killer.
Don't have to make this - the last one though, right? - Yeah.
I think I got a Another dude adventure in me.
[Laughs.]
I'm in.
Let's let's continue being friends until I die of rabies.
All right.
Dude husband.
- Yeah, dude husbands! - Dude husband.
It might be soon.
We might all have rabies.
Yeah, we might all have rabies and die.
- We do.
- First things first.
Dude anniversary dinner.
Okay.
All right, I'm startin'.
[Sighs.]
Anders The Giant.
[Laughs.]
- And Adam.
- Yeah.
You are my Spice World.
- That was a good flick.
- Sure.
And I want you both to know if I ever get a lover, she's gonna have to get with my friends first.
- Hm.
- Zig-a-zig-a! Sporty spice made me wear a sports bra for six months.
- Pretty cool, cheers.
- All right.
- I'll cheers to that.
- I was inspired.
- [Laughs.]
Cheers.
- Also, I was obese.
I was an obese child.
I'll take you any way you are.
- You guys are my family.
- Mm-hmm.
Until, like, I meet a super hot babe and just impregnate her a ton with, like, ten little babies with great hairlines and/or dope titties.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, yes.
All: Cheers.
And may any child who tips over a man in a Porta Potty be publicly executed.
Am I right? - Okay? - Very Iraq-ish.
- Yeah, sure.
- Hey, cheers.
Imagine if it happened to you, though.
Hey, guys.
I'm gonna [Bleep.]
this dude upstairs, so if you guys want to [Bleep.]
down here, that's cool, or if you want to [Bleep.]
upstairs, we can all [Bleep.]
together, all right? We can have a little group thing.
- It'll be fun.
- Cool, thanks, Trevor.
Now get up there! Get up there! - Uh, how'd you meet this guy? - I met him at the bar.
I'm getting kind of a gay vibe though.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[Clears throat.]
[Muffled music.]
- Well, whatever, let's eat.
- Let's eat.
Let's dig in.
[Laughs.]
[Muffled music.]
[Muffled groaning.]
- Oh, that's good.
- Mm, that is good.
All: Mm.