Abbott Elementary (2021) s04e14 Episode Script

I know you're standing behind me.
Hey. So, did you see my e-mail
about asking for a water heater
at the district meeting
so that we can start actually
washing our hands in hot water
and I can regain the color
in my fingertips?
Ugh! Get those cold paws out of my face.
I don't read e-mails before 1:00 p.m.
Tomorrow is the annual
district budget meeting,
where schools plead
their case to the school board
to receive funding, blah, blah, blah.
But thanks to the golf course,
or should I say thanks to me
and my black belt in blackmail,
we actually have what we need
for a change.
So now we get to ask
for the finer things in life
like hot water.
Look. It's really
not that big of an ask.
Just one late bus twice a week
for my Goofballs and the step team.
- Yes.
- Ava, the kids need two-ply toilet paper.
And I don't want to say why,
but we all know why.
Okay. No. Ava. Some of the
kids, they've never seen a live fish,
so we need to a-carry-them
to the aquarium.
Yeah, but you're wasting your time.
Yeah. School board
says "no" to everything.
Sometimes there's a school
they say yes to.
Remember when they gave Franklin West
all those double-sided erasers?
That was huge.
- The Great Erasening
- Mm-hmm.
It's a crapshoot.
You never know what's
gonna get them to say yes.
Well, this year,
my presentation is on point,
so I'm asking for all of it.
I did the Ed Talk for them,
and whilst doing
that very gracious favor
that they owe me for,
I learned how to speak
fluent District.
Mm! "Equity. Action item."
Hm.
"Deliverables.
Academic rigor. KPIs."
What the hell's a KPI?
Let's "circle back" on that.
- Ohh!
- BARBARA: Impressive.
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
Oh, are you two lovebirds
making plans for the holiday tomorrow?
Oh. T-Tomorrow. What is tomorrow?
Is it President's Day?
Hm. What's tomorrow, Gregory?
GREGORY: You know, I'm not sure,
but you tryin' to kick it, my guy?
I don't know. It's an
ordinary day to me, playboy.
We're kidding.
Yeah, we know it's Valentine's Day.
Didn't buy tickets.
Don't want to see the show.
JANINE: Well, it's our
first Valentine's Day
together as a couple.
We usually go hard for our holidays.
But for some reason,
the school board decided
to schedule the district budget
meeting on the same day.
Yeah, and we're gonna be exhausted,
so we figured we'd just chill
at my place for V-Day.
- Watch a nice rom-com.
- Yeah. Low stakes.
No steaks. Although,
I would like a burger.
[CHUCKLES]
We can get you a burger.
Aww.
He's such a provider.
So, what improvements to society
did the second Industrial
Revolution bring about?
RJ, hit me.
Better ways of communicating.
Yes! Great!
Also tech advances. Railroad expansion.
[JACOB EXHALES SHARPLY]
Are you crying?
[BELL RINGS]
Um, have a great rest
of your day, everyone.
[CHATTER]
Hey, Mr. C. That's cool
you started a club for RJ.
Well, thank you, Andrew.
But I want a club for me.
Yeah. RJ's not the only one
with problems at home.
I want a club, too.
Okay. That's alarming, but fair.
Um, well, w-what are you interested in?
Gardening, hopefully.
I don't know. You tell me.
Isn't that, like, your job
to figure out what I like?
No. My job is to teach history.
That's your whole job?
I will see what I can do.
Then get on it.
Chop chop, bitch.
What did I say about calling me bitch?
- Shh
- BARBARA: Alright.
District bingo, anyone?
- Yes.
- The boxes contain
district platitudes
and Abbott certainties.
JANINE: Oh.
"We'll do our best to accommodate."
Yeah, you really nailed
that district B.S.
Just reading it makes me want
to slap the hell out of somebody.
Oh. "Melissa threatens violence."
Hey. I've got that.
- I got one.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
Ohh! Hey, yo!
Watch it, Stick Stickly!
What are you
looking at, SpongeBob?
- Ohh!
- Hey. Hey!
He was teacher of the year.
Not last year, but, like,
a couple years ago.
- JANINE: Yeah.
- Can it, Tommy Pickles!
- JANINE: Oh, my God!
- MELISSA: Okay.
Why does she watch so much Nickelodeon?
Oof. It is tense in here.
Uh-oh! The Big Teagues!
Hey, Manny.
It's Gregory Eddie!
I hear you two are an item now.
I love that. You have my blessing.
Ohh.
Jacob Hill! Come on, man!
[LAUGHS] Mrs. Howard.
- Ms. Schemmenti.
- Oh, this is gonna take forever.
Um, I'm gonna go get
a smoothie from next door.
Okay. Can you get me an "Apple
A Day Keeps The Doctor Away"?
Oh, and get me one
of the strawberry ones
with the coco puffs.
- Cacao nibs.
- Right.
Yeah.
Crystal Ruh-Ruh-Ruh-Riley!
CRYSTAL: Ohh! [LAUGHS]
Oh! well, well, well! Look who's here!
- Well.
- Hey, soror.
You sound surprised for
someone who just texted me,
"See you soon, soror,"
but, okay. Hey, girl.
Mwah! Mwah!
Enough with the pleasantries.
I am clocked in at
the locked-in factory,
and I'm about to take all
of the district's money
for Liberty Rings.
Well, how will you get anything
when I'm gonna get it all
for Abbott? [LAUGHS]
Make it make sense.
[LAUGHS] Honestly, truly,
I am rooting for you.
I sincerely hope there's something left
for dusty old Abbott after I go
seventh.
[ONLOOKERS GASP]
That's right.
That's right. We got the best spot.
Lucky number seven,
the one right before
the 15-minute break.
They always throw someone
a bone in that spot
so that people will come back
with a little bit of hope.
Well, I don't need hope
because I'm locked in
at the clock factory.
And guess what. There's no key.
[Beep] WOMAN: Attention. What?
The meeting is starting
in one minute.
- Oh! Alright.
- Let's go.
[CELLPHONE DINGS]
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Hold on.
I got a voice note from Gregory.
Might be a smoothie emergency.
Because you know what?
I'm not allergic to apple.
Bye.
But I've kind of got this
thing where my tongue
GREGORY: Hey, so, the smoothie
you ordered has a different name.
What was in it again?
You know what?
Never mind. I'll just, uh
I'll surprise you.
I gotta go. I'm up. Okay.
I love you
Did he just tell me
he loves me for the first time?!
In a voice note?
So if you could please consider
our request for windows.
I miss the sunlight,
and the children do, too.
WOMAN: We'll have to examine that.
- Ava Cole
- Stop.
I heard Liberty Rings
got the seventh spot
even though I volunteered
to do that Ed Talk,
not out of the kindness of my heart.
Look, the district really
appreciated that talk,
and we know that it's been a while
since Abbott's walked out
with anything at these meetings,
so, between you and me,
the superintendent
set aside a nice chunk of money for you.
You could sleepwalk up there
and wake up with a bag.
SPEAKER: Possibly get some textbooks
that make it past the Civil Rights Era.
I feel like it might help with some of
the racial tension in the school.
We'll take a look at that.
Ha! "We'll take a look at that." Got it.
Are you cheating?
How am I cheating?
You made these.
You know, people say
you can't be good at bingo.
Tell that to my cards.
What are you smiling about?
Well [CHUCKLES]
Hm
[SIGHS]
Ohh! Hello.
Hi. Oh, my God. What, this?
Call me Scrappy-Doo 'cause
I got a mystery on my hands.
Do you mind listening to this voice note
that Gregory left me while
he was getting smoothies
and tell me what you think
he says at the end?
- Okay.
- Gotta go. I'm up.
Okay. I love you
Sounds to me like
he said, "I love food."
Mm-hmm.
Sure. Yeah. For sure.
Um, it just I thought
it sounded like he said, "I love you,"
but that'd be weird
to say for the first time
in a voice note, right?
Yeah, that would definitely be weird.
Although, that young man
notoriously does not love food.
No, he doesn't.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Right?
Maybe he said, "I love boots."
What kind of footwear does he sport?
Um, I'm trying to think,
but I-I honestly can't
remember anything
about him below the knees.
- Ooh! That reminds me!
- What?
- Oh-oh-oh!
- What?
"Janine needs help
with something silly."
Ha! I got the corners, baby! Yes!
Right. If we could focus on this.
I just want to know what you think.
- Oh. Hello, ladies. You don't know me.
- WOMAN: Hi.
But would you mind
weighing in on a voice note?
Of course, we don't need sporks,
but it doesn't hurt to ask.
Or I guess it does.
"Principal cries."
Yeah, people are really
starting to lose it.
And I'm not gonna lie
it feels good to not
have to worry this year.
I know. I can't believe Manny told Ava
- that they set aside money for us.
- I know.
You know, I was actually
thinking about asking Ava
if we could request money
for more clubs.
What do we need more clubs for?
You and Gregory got big plans
to help two to six more students?
Actually, yesterday, some of the kids,
they were asking me if I could help them
find something they're passionate about,
you know, kind of like I did with RJ.
Okay. So who's gonna
run all these clubs? You?
That's like another full-time job
on top of your already full-time job.
It's like an overtime job.
- It's too many jobs!
- Yeah, I
Please! We must have absolute silence
and be respectful to the people here.
Request denied.
Next up, looks like we have
Liberty Rings Elementary.
CRYSTAL: Excuse me.
Hm. Ah.
Watch and learn, soror.
Good luck, babe!
You know, I always thought
he would tell me he loved me,
like, using a plant or something.
But using his words?
H-He's such a wild card.
Did you happen to catch anyone
saying "low-hanging fruit"?
It's a critical square. [DOOR OPENS]
- No.
- Okay.
So, apparently they
changed all the names
for Valentine's Day, so
hopefully I got this right.
- Here is your "Apple Of My Eye."
- Thank you.
Here is your strawberry and cacao nib
"I Love You" with
extra love, a.k.a. nibs.
Um, aren't those festive names!
More like confusing. Took
me a second to realize
"Be Still My Beeting Heart"
was my go-to.
Ironically the opposite of
what beets do for the heart.
Yeah. No. Super confusing.
BARBARA: Yeah. [GREGORY SIGHS]
Oh. Hey. You're full-time now?
For almost a year. We were just venting
- about how terrible the district is.
- Yeah.
Seems like nobody gets what they want.
Seriously. Five years ago,
our school's roof caved in.
Instead of fixing it,
they had a counselor
come in once a week to deal with
the emotional burden
of not having a roof.
Apparently, they were like, "I
know you feel a dank draft, kid,
but how does that dank draft
make you feel?"
Uh, dank! The hell?!
Yeah. Wow. That's That's interesting.
Wait. So the counselor came once a week?
Our school turned into a drop-top.
That's what you're focused on?
No. Yeah. That is Pfft. That is wild.
[CHUCKLES]
District sucks!
Sorry.
So, with that, I ask the board
to grant us these basic necessities.
And to quote Amanda Gorman,
"For there is always light
if only we're brave enough to see it
if only we are
brave enough to be it."
[APPLAUSE]
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, wasn't that lovely?
- That was good.
- Corny ass.
Hm. That was an impressive presentation.
But highly unlikely.
We'll circle back.
Let's reconvene in 15 minutes.
Oof. Wow.
"Highly unlikely"
and"we'll circle back."
- That's a double whammy.
- Yeah.
And also double squares. I'm one away.
- One away!
- You got one?
Hey. So, about that counselor
that you mentioned.
Oh, my G You know, you
Abbott people are weird.
All the teachers talk about it.
Right. Right. Well [CHUCKLES] Unh!
Anyways, um, can you tell me
more about, like, how it works?
She comes once a week, which is nowhere
near enough to get anything real done.
The line is always out the door.
And the district would
never pay for more days.
Yeah. That's, um
Awesome! Good talk!
[LAUGHS] Liberty Rings got smoked!
[LAUGHS]
I'm gonna go kick Crystal
while she's down.
RICHARD: I'm really sorry,
but it's okay.
We will get them next year.
That's what we've been saying
for the last three years.
- I know. I'm trying to stay positive.
- They are up there
hoarding resources
while our kids are sharing books,
taking turns doing the homework.
I don't know how I'm gonna
go back into the school
and tell everybody I didn't
get anything for the kids.
[SIGHS]
I just I really thought
we had it this time.
If it helps, you know,
no one really got anything.
Watch out for the Ava-lanche
rolling through,
getting resources, knocking down houses.
Come on!
Hm. You know what I love?
I don't use this word often.
I love when they add
just a pinch of salt
to balance out the flavors.
- God. I just love that.
- You love that.
That's great. That's good stuff!
JACOB: There you are! Hey.
What do you think about
asking Ava for a counselor?
Oh. Is this instead of your request
for a Pan-African flag?
Well, in an ideal world,
we would get both,
but, yes, yes.
I really think a counselor,
like, 2 or 3 times a week,
you know, giving
individualized attention,
it could change the trajectory
of some of our students' lives.
I mean, don't you think
that's worth pursuing?
I mean, I could use some
support with the Goofballs.
I know they look up to me, but I
don't have all the answers they need.
The world is so different
from when I was a kid.
Yeah. The older girls
who come talk to me,
they got some real stuff
they're dealing with,
and I don't know what half
the words they're saying mean.
Gyatt?
See? Melissa gyatts it.
No. Just No.
Yeah, but a counselor
that many times a week
would be almost as expensive
as our entire list,
so Ava's not gonna go for that.
- Yeah. No. She'd kill you.
- JANINE: Yeah.
Maybe we'll get lucky next year.
Guys, guys, so much
can happen in a year.
Haven't you seen "Rent"? Okay?
We can't sit on our hands.
This This is our year.
I'm sorry, man, but
I just don't know what else
we could do at this point.
Well, on the bright side,
we can all mark off
"Jacob gives an impassioned speech."
JANINE: Oh, yeah. Nice. Okay.
I already marked mine when
I was still set on the flag
and I was explaining what the
colors black, green, and red represent.
- Was it to a Black person?
- Yes.
Barb, you should have put
"Jacob explains an element
of Black culture" on here.
[GASPS] Maybe next time.
Hey. Ava.
Jacob, not now.
No. Totally. But, um
Oh, hey, actually, do you think, um,
I could give the presentation for you?
I would love some face time
with the district.
And, uh, it's in the bag,
right? So what's the harm?
Before we hear from the next school,
a reminder get to the point.
Less pomp, no circumstance.
Okay?
Yeah. Go ahead.
- Wait. Really?
- Yeah.
They said we could sleepwalk
up there and get the money,
so march your squirrel ass up there
and go get our nut.
Okay.
AVA: It doesn't even matter
what you say up there
or what you need
or how much you prepare.
Just how much the district
decides they like you that year.
Next up, Abbott Elementary.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hello. distinguished
school-board members.
My name is Jacob Hill,
and I am a teacher at Abbott Elementary.
Um
I'm gonna cut to the point.
We don't need currently
some of the material things
that the other schools
are asking for today.
The students at our school
are each facing issues
outside of the classroom,
and these things are impacting
their lives in school.
Now, we do our best, but as teachers,
we just don't have the
bandwidth to give them
the one-on-one attention that they need.
So I am asking for Abbott
to get a counselor three days a week.
[ALL GASP]
That is a very big ask.
It would be our entire request.
MAN: Oh.
Then it's granted.
Oh, no. Ava's gonna kill him.
I can't look. I can't look.
Ohh. You have love for the boy.
I have love for the rent
he pays me, Barb.
A counselor? I love that for you,
But you're leaving, like,
25 grand on the table.
JACOB: And your generosity. Yeah.
I guess I didn't even
really need these cards.
Um, wow. And you all look fantastic.
So, again, just thank you. Yeah.
[GRUNTS] Why?!
Um
Actually, Abbott has another request.
Proceed. We would also like to ask
for computers, new history books,
and we could use
some discretionary funds.
Approved. Can we move on now?
Of course. But one more thing.
Oh, my God! Sit down!
I'm gonna need for those things
to be divided between
the three Title I schools
that came before us and were denied.
Oh. My bad.
And now I'm done. Thank you.
Fine. We'll divide it
amongst the schools.
Which we would have done eventually.
You were just putting a pin in it.
I knew y'all would circle back
after you ran it up the flagpole.
KPI.
Yeah! Whoo!
[CHUCKLES] I should have known
you'd pull out some theatrics.
Well, the spotlight finds me.
I don't go looking for it.
But thank you.
For what you did in there.
Of course.
But when you kill it as hard as I do,
it's easy to share the wealth.
I just want others to experience
what I experience on a daily basis.
- Well, I appreciate it.
- Hm.
Although, I did find it so interesting
what your teacher said
about Abbott already
having material things.
Bye, girl.
Mwah!
That was incredible. [GASPS]
Jacob, you lied to me.
Interesting choice.
You know, ever since I did
a nice thing 10 minutes ago,
I've been looking for
a new person to destroy,
to restore order.
Ava, none of that was on my bingo card.
This has a whiff of a long con
of which we do not yet know
the ramifications.
Why do y'all act like I can't do
something nice every once in a while?
I've told you since the
beginning, I had this covered.
MANNY: Abbott Elemen!
So, hey. That was awesome in there.
Very cool, very rad.
But the school board is super pissed.
Like, I've never seen them
this mad before.
So I would mind your
P's and Q's going forward
because they're about to be on yo' ass.
Hey.
The school board.
GREGORY: Pretty cool move by Ava.
- Mm-hmm.
- I kind of loved it.
Ohh! Gah! What don't you love, Gregory?
Okay. What's going on?
Am I missing something?
[SIGHS]
GREGORY: I'll surprise you.
I gotta go. I'm up.
Okay. I love you
I see. [SIGHS]
I know you were just
ordering a special smoothie,
but I kind of
I thought that you said
you loved me, so
- 'Cause I did.
- It's just a loaded drink name, but
Wait. What?
Yeah, I wasn't ordering
when I said that.
I said, "I love you," to you.
Must have just slipped out.
Oh.
But it was an accident.
Yeah
but it slipped out
because that's how I feel.
I think it all the time.
I was gonna say it tonight over dinner,
but apparently I couldn't wait.
Because I love you.
Sick, sick, sick! [LAUGHS]
[BEEP]
I love you, too.
[MESSAGE SENDS]
[CELLPHONE DINGS]
- Do you want to go to Bone Town?
- Hell yeah.
Welcome back. Let's get settled.
Next up on the agenda, public comment.
First up, we have
I can't make out the first name,
but the last name is Johnson.
Greetings, board.
Sister Sloss. Looking good.
I'd like to file a motion
that the district give me
$50 and a sandwich.
- Yes! Bingo!
- Oh, come on!
"Mr. Johnson says some Mr. Nonsense!"
Damn it! You gotta be kidding me!
How am I bad at bingo?
- Request denied.
- Okay, then.
Just give me the $50,
and I'll starve to death.