All In The Family s04e14 Episode Script
Archie is Cursed
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Oh, my.
I'll never get over how smart she is.
Who? "Dear Abby.
" She gives me a pain in the neck.
She's so clever.
She knows the answer to every question.
In all the years I've been reading her, not once did she ever say, "I don't know.
" Or even, "Let me think about that.
" She ain't so smart.
She sets herself up with them things.
You don't think she picks them letters out of the mail at ransom, do you? What do you mean? I mean she takes the easy ones, like, for instance, I seen, uh, "Dear Abby, I'm a young girl nuts about a guy.
"I want to marry him.
"My mother says yes, my father says no.
What should I do? Signed, Unhappy.
" Oh, my, that's a hard question.
I wouldn't know how to answer that one.
Jeez, I would.
I'd say, "Dear Unhappy, "do what your old man tells you.
"He knows what he's talking about.
That's how he got to be your father.
" I wonder what Dear Abby does when she has a problem.
Who cares, Edith? Maybe she writes to Ann Landers.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Now, whoever that is, I don't want somebody in here on my day off.
Oh, hi, Irene! Hi, Edith! Ooh, hello, Archie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I bet that means, "Who needs her around on my day off?" Oh, Archie didn't mean that, did you, Archie? Don't ever argue with a guest, Edith.
That was a shot, wasn't it, Archie? Yeah, that's right, Irene.
One of my sad expressions.
Listen, Edith, as soon as Frank gets ready, we're going to the Museum of Natural History.
You wanna go with us? No.
Oh, I'd love to go.
I ain't been there since the sixth grade.
I'll go up and change.
You sure you don't wanna come along, Archie? Ah, what for? Go all the way into the city to see a bunch of dead bones standing around doing nothing.
I don't get you, Archie.
Don't you have any interest in learning about the past? Certainly I have interest in learning about the past, like, for instance, right here I'm reading Sports Illustrated.
Why do you think I'm doing that? This is full of the past here.
I'm looking over last year's batting averages, all the records of championship teams.
All of that is what you call "histororical" matter.
Pretty good magazine.
You oughta read it.
Only lately they've been giving over too many pages to women in sports.
And why shouldn't they? Because women ain't important in sports.
What about all the women who won gold medals at the Olympics? Oh, don't talk about them, will you? I seen them dames on TV.
They look more like a bunch of lumpy men.
I thought they looked very attractive.
Ah, come on, will you, Irene? Even the judges couldn't figure them out.
They had to give them What do you call, hermone tests.
They found out most of them had more hismones than hermones.
That's like my saying that all men are idiots because one of them says so many stupid things.
All I'm saying is that women shouldn't be messing around with men's sports, because a man could beat a woman any old time.
You mean like Bobby Riggs beat Billie Jean King? I don't even think that tennis is a man's sport.
When I think of a man's sport, I think of a sport where you get some bones broke.
Like football.
That's right.
I think getting bones broke is stupid.
Hey, Irene, ain't you got no love for your country? I must have missed something.
I thought we were talking about football.
Football is your country! Football is the only sport the commies ain't stolen from us.
It's why you can travel all over the civilized world and you won't find an all-American any place but right here in the good old U.
S.
of A.
Tell me, Archie.
What manly games do you play? Well, I used to play a little football.
I played a lot of baseball.
I still bowl in the men's league.
I shoot pool.
Pool? That's right, pool.
You any good at it? [LAUGHS.]
I hold my own.
Do you think you could beat a woman? With one eye closed, one hand tied behind my back and a bad case of the flu.
Okay, I challenge you.
You challenge me? You're crazy, Irene.
I'm serious.
Oh, come on, will you? Anyway, a gentleman don't play pool with no woman.
I got $10 says I can beat you.
You're on! Ten bucks puts a whole different complexity on the situation, Irene.
Just let me call up Kelsey's bar and see if that pool table is free for a little action.
Oh, not right now.
We're going to the museum in a few minutes.
Oh, come on.
You said you'd play me for 10 bucks.
Don't be copping out now.
Nobody's copping out.
We'll go to the museum later.
Yeah, all right.
Kelsey? Yeah, Archie Bunker here.
Hey, is the table gonna be free down there? Oh, it is.
Ah, great.
I got a pigeon I gotta pluck for about 10 bucks.
Yeah, a lady pigeon.
What you call a pigeoness.
No, no.
She challenged me.
[LAUGHS.]
Kelsey's hysterical on the line here.
No, no, no.
You know her.
Frank Lorenzo's wife, Irene.
Oh, hold on.
I'll ask her.
Kelsey wants to know if he can have $5 worth of the action.
Tell him I accept.
Hey, Kelsey, you just won yourself five bucks.
Yeah, we'll be right down.
Come on, Irene.
Let's go.
I'll be back in a few minutes.
I just want to change my shoes.
What, are you gonna play with your feet? Well, I could.
And I think I'd still beat you.
Oh, Irene, I'm still waiting.
Aren't we going to the museum? Later.
I got a date to shoot pool for money.
No kidding? Who's the pigeon? Minnesota Fats over there.
Archie, are-- Are you really gonna play Irene? Yeah.
What are you laughing about? [LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
Okay, come on.
Don't-- Don't poke me, huh? Yeah, I'm gonna play Irene.
It's gonna cost you a little dough.
The 10 bucks she bet with me and five bucks with Kelsey.
Ooh, is that all you're betting? She let you off easy.
Ah, get out of here.
She don't stand a chance.
Archie, she's good.
She even beats me.
So what? You're only a cook.
You wouldn't know a rack of balls from a bowl of zucchini.
Archie, she's played a lot of pool and beat a lot of people.
Yeah? Well, I'll tell you something, Frank.
I'm gonna beat the pants off of her.
And you ought to thank me for that because then you can start wearing them again.
What's that supposed to mean? I only mean that she's a woman who spends all day at home banging nails into the walls and messing around with the plumbing and challenging me to shoot pool.
She's more manly than womanly.
You take that back, Archie! Because where I come from, if a man talks like that about another man's wife, he don't talk again for a long time! Jeez, what are you gonna do, gag me with your apron? You-- You talk about Irene behind her back, but I'm gonna say this to your face.
If you have any doubts about my wife being a woman, it's because you're worried about yourself being a man.
Hey! you're talking to a veteran of WWII over here.
I don't care who you are.
Take back what you said about my wife.
All I'm saying is that your wife ain't satisfied with being a woman, she wants to be a man too.
That's it! You insult me, you insult my family.
You insult my family, you insult my honor.
Take this! Malocchio! What the hell is that? A Sicilian curse, the evil eye.
Malocchio, malocchio, malocchio! Well, I'll just give you a New York curse, the waving fingers.
What's going on? Hey, hey, hey.
You got any questions about me being a man, ask my witness, ask her.
Ask me what? Oh, stay out of this.
Hello.
I'm surprised at you, Archie.
You call yourself a man? A man? And that's the way you talk about your neighbor's wife? All right, Frank, don't get excited! If it'll make you feel better, I'll admit it, Irene is a--- A woman.
All right! That's better.
Yeah.
Is that what you wanted to know, Archie? I could've told you that.
Yeah, so could I.
You're not very observant, Arch.
Oh, get lost, will you? Where is Irene? We was going to the museum.
She'll be right back.
Yeah, but before she goes to the museum, she's gonna shoot a game of pool with me for 10 bucks.
Ohh! I didn't know Irene played pool.
Well, she says she does.
But I'm gonna teach her a lesson.
After this, she'll keep her big yap shut.
Malocchio! What, again? Yes.
The malocchio is on again.
Oh, gee.
What's supposed to happen? I don't know, but something will.
The malocchio works like a knuckleball.
You never know what it's gonna do.
Voom! Can you imagine this guy believing in that kinda superstitious bunk? Sure, Arch.
A lot of people believe in magic spells.
I mean, there's even magic in the Bible.
Aw, shut up, you atheist, you.
You know nothing about the Bible.
The Bible is full of miracles, no magic.
God would never fool around with no magic.
What about the story of Sodom and Gomorrah? I mean, didn't God turn Lot's wife into a pillar of salt? That's right, because when she was running away from them two dirty cities, she stopped to take a look at her behind.
Okay, I'm ready.
Let's go, come on.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
Oh, Edith, about the museum-- Oh, yeah, I've heard.
You and Archie are gonna play pool.
I'll go along and watch.
Are you ready, Archie? Hey, hey, hey.
Ah, what's this? Irene, I didn't know you played the clarinet.
Hey, that ain't the clarinet.
It's a carrying case for a private pool cue.
See that? You put them two together.
I didn't know you had a private pool cue, Irene.
Sure.
Don't you? No.
I remember, I saw Paul Newman carry one of them in The Rustler.
Oh, no.
That was called The Hustler.
Hey, Arch, I'll bet you a buck she can take you.
Save your money.
Just because her old man can afford to buy her a private pool cue don't mean she's no pool shark.
He didn't buy it for me.
I won it.
Huh? Yeah.
Look at that plaque.
"To Irene Lorenzo, first prize, Hudson Billiard Academy.
" Archie, you wanna make that two bucks? Get outta here! You're gonna lose.
Okay, let's shoot pool.
Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, Archie.
Yeah, all right, all right, yeah.
Go ahead.
Yeah, go ahead, all of you.
I've just gotta get my hat here.
I just, ah-- [SCREAMS.]
Archie, what's the matter? Oh! Oh! Somebody better pick up my hat for me.
What's wrong? I can't bend over.
Archie, it's your back again.
The back is out.
The curse is on.
And the game is off.
I just can't get it through my head, Ma.
Daddy actually claims that his back hurts because he was cursed? Yeah.
By the evil eye.
Yeah, it's more like an evil cue stick.
I heard that, Meathead.
And let me tell you something, I got a real pain here in my back.
Now don't give me another one where I sit.
Easy.
Easy, Edith.
Easy, now.
Don't hurt me.
You're hurting me! I said, "Don't hurt me!" Daddy, if the pain is that bad, maybe you oughta go see a doctor.
Oh, a doctor ain't gonna do me no good.
Well, how do you know that, Archie? He would examine you and take X-rays.
Edith, the curse don't show up on an X-ray.
Arch, you're not cursed.
You're just faking it.
I ain't faking it.
This is a real pain here.
Nn-nn! Can't you hear that? Maybe the pain is, um-- Oh, are you thinking it's psychosomatic? Yeah.
It's all up here.
Oh, cut it out.
I ain't got nothing up here.
It's all down here.
I can't argue with that.
Who asked you? Daddy, why don't you just admit you're afraid of losing a game to a woman? Why is my daughter always against me? Daddy, I'm not against you.
I'm trying to show that you don't have a curse on you.
How do you know what I got on me? How do you know that, uh, maybe you could have put one on me? How do you know that? What? That's right.
You were out walking around on the sidewalks yesterday.
Maybe you were stepping on all the cracks.
Oh, no, Archie.
That's, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back.
" That's for sons.
For sons.
Daughters want to break their father's back.
Arch, that's crazy.
How long have you been believing in curses? How long you been living here? I know a very good cure for your back, Archie.
Holy Jesus.
But the butcher's shop is closed today.
What? If it was open, I'd go right down there and get some brown paper.
Yeah, my mother used to do that when my father's lumbago started acting up.
She'd take a piece of butcher's brown paper and put it on his back and then run an iron over it.
She'd put it at the cotton setting.
The linen setting was too hot and made him holler.
I think your mother must have inherited her brains from you.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, there's someone at the door.
"Someone at the door.
" It's the first thing she's said today that makes sense.
Oh, hi, Frank.
Come in.
Hi, Mr.
Lorenzo.
Hey, Frank.
How you doing? Good morning, everybody.
Good morning.
Oh, jeez.
Here he is.
The duke of lasagna.
What do you want? Well, it's such a nice day, I thought we'd all take a nice walk down to Kelsey's and watch you and Irene shoot a little pool.
How am I gonna shoot pool? I'm in pain here.
My back don't work.
Yeah, but the hands look like they're doing a good job there.
Dry up there, will you? What I mean is, how am I gonna shoot pool when I can't bend down to the table? Maybe they could raise the table.
Don't help me, will you? Just look at me here, Frank, in pain.
My back is on your head.
What? That's right, because you put the whammy on the back.
Look at me.
I can hardly move.
I can't sit in my own soft chair.
I gotta sit in Edith's lousy chair.
[GROANS.]
Arch, maybe if you're real nice to Frank, he'll take the evil eye off you.
I can't do that.
I never learnt that part.
I only know how to give it.
But I do know someone who can take the curse off.
Well, it don't make no difference, Frank.
The pool match is off, and that's that.
Hello, operator.
Long-distance, please.
Who you calling long-distance? My uncle in Sicily.
Hey, get off the phone! Get off the phone! Oh, Archie.
Come on, will you? There's no evil eye.
I'm only kidding.
Yeah, well, I ain't.
I can't play the pool match.
That's all there is to it.
Well, then, you forfeit the game and you owe Irene What do you mean "forfeit"? If anybody owes anybody anything, Irene owes me, because you're the guy that put the whammy on my back.
Oh, all right.
All right.
I'll go home and tell Irene that the game is off.
But first I'm gonna stop off at Kelsey's and I'm gonna make a big announcement to tell everybody that Archie Bunker's not showing up because somebody put a curse on him.
Then, after they all stop laughing, I'll tell them the truth.
That you are afraid to play a woman.
Wait a minute there.
Wait a minute there, Frank.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Okay.
You're gonna get your way.
I'm gonna play the match.
I'll be in Kelsey's in an hour.
And you bring Irene there on time.
Bravo! Bravissimo! Did you hear that? He laid another curse on me.
[CASH REGISTER RINGS.]
Hi there, Kelsey.
How are you? Hey.
Hiya, Arch.
You're a little early.
Pool table won't be open for another 15 minutes.
Yeah, I thought I'd come down and kind of loosen up, you know? Hello, Bunker.
Oh, hi there, Jefferson.
I didn't know George Jefferson come in here.
Oh, yeah.
He's been coming in regularly.
Hey, Bunker.
I wanna talk to you.
Yeah, go ahead, Jefferson.
I heard about your pool match.
I wanna get some of the action.
Well, Frank Lorenzo will be here any minute.
He'll cover your bet if you wanna bet on me.
I don't wanna bet on you.
I wanna win.
Hey, Jefferson, don't you think Arch can take her? No! Talk's all over the neighborhood.
Lorenzo put the Sicilian hex on him.
Sicilian hex? Oh, come on.
Come on.
What's this all about? That's right.
That's right.
Frank Lorenzo put the Sicilian evil eye on me so his wife Irene would beat me.
The evil eye.
That's some mighty heavy stuff.
[KELSEY LAUGHS.]
That's crazy! ARCHIE: What are you laughing about? You never heard of the hex before? These people know a lot about that voodoo-de-o-doo-doo.
Tell us some more.
Oh, yeah.
We famous for that in my family.
Goes all the way back to my great-great-great-granddaddy, Mumbulu.
Mumbulu! Pfft! What was his first name? George.
Bunker, if you wanna get rid of the hex, you need a good luck charm.
Arch, come on.
You don't believe all this baloney, do you? What are you talking about, baloney? Don't you see a lot of Jewish guys going around in their cars with Christopher's medals.
They don't believe in them things.
But they figure, "What harm? Why take a chance?" Say some more, Jefferson.
Well, look, if you really want to win, what you need is Mumbulu voodoo.
First you make a circle with the bones of a dozen fried chickens.
Then, inside the circle, you form an X with the rinds of two watermelons.
Then you send for the witch doctor.
Where the hell are you gonna get a witch doctor in Queens? In the Yellow Pages.
Thanks for helping me out with my bad back, Jefferson.
KELSEY: Hey, Arch, your table's open now.
So look, Bunker.
I don't have time to stay around for the match.
Look, do you want a bet? I got 20 bucks says Irene Lorenzo beats you.
You got 20 bucks that says that that dame beats me? That's right.
Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do with you, Jefferson.
I'm gonna take a dollar of that.
Now, let's see you sharpen up the old eye here.
Pull up this one up there.
[SIGHS.]
Holy cow.
I missed an easy shot like that.
[GROANS.]
Oh, jeez.
KELSEY: He's right in there, Mrs.
Lorenzo.
[GROANS.]
Look at him.
He can't wait to get started.
Neither can I.
What do you mean I can't wait? I ain't in no condition to shoot a pool match here.
I can hardly bend over.
Rack 'em up, Archie.
Why are you asking me to rack up, Irene, the way I am? Why don't you ask Frank to do that? All right, all right, I'll rack 'em up.
Okay, I'll shoot you for the break.
Okay.
Go ahead.
There's your cue ball.
No, no.
Gentlemen first.
Okay.
All right, the nearest to the back cushion with the cue ball don't have to break, right? Okay.
All right.
Are you ready down there, Frank? Shoot! Let me see if I can do this.
I don't know if I can get over there.
Oh, Jeez, it's going through me like a knife.
[GROANS.]
Oh, look at that! Miscued! I ain't done a thing like that in 20 years.
Now you see the kind of competition you're gonna have today.
I can't do it, Frank.
I can't take advantage of a sick man.
Oh, come on, Irene.
After what he said about you, he deserves it.
Look at the man.
He can't even bend over.
[GROANS WEAKLY.]
I just can't do it.
You gotta play him.
Besides, I think he's faking.
I ain't faking, Frank, and she don't gotta do nothing.
You don't gotta play me, Irene.
You can wait two, three weeks.
My back will be better then.
I'll play you a fair game.
I'll still take your $10 off you.
Bless you, Archie.
You're one of a kind.
And thank God for that.
Come on, Irene.
Let's go.
I'll buy you a drink.
And I'll buy you one too, Archie.
All right, Frank.
Don't mind if I do.
[GROANS.]
Oh, uh, Archie, is that your dollar? Yeah, that's mine.
He can bend! He can bend! I told you he was faking! Okay, Archie.
Okay.
Let's shoot pool.
He lost.
Clam up, you.
EDITH: Oh, Archie.
Frank Lorenzo just called.
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
I hope you thanked Irene.
For what? For fixing your back.
She didn't do that.
Oh, that's funny.
Frank said she straightened you out.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All In the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
I'll never get over how smart she is.
Who? "Dear Abby.
" She gives me a pain in the neck.
She's so clever.
She knows the answer to every question.
In all the years I've been reading her, not once did she ever say, "I don't know.
" Or even, "Let me think about that.
" She ain't so smart.
She sets herself up with them things.
You don't think she picks them letters out of the mail at ransom, do you? What do you mean? I mean she takes the easy ones, like, for instance, I seen, uh, "Dear Abby, I'm a young girl nuts about a guy.
"I want to marry him.
"My mother says yes, my father says no.
What should I do? Signed, Unhappy.
" Oh, my, that's a hard question.
I wouldn't know how to answer that one.
Jeez, I would.
I'd say, "Dear Unhappy, "do what your old man tells you.
"He knows what he's talking about.
That's how he got to be your father.
" I wonder what Dear Abby does when she has a problem.
Who cares, Edith? Maybe she writes to Ann Landers.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Now, whoever that is, I don't want somebody in here on my day off.
Oh, hi, Irene! Hi, Edith! Ooh, hello, Archie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I bet that means, "Who needs her around on my day off?" Oh, Archie didn't mean that, did you, Archie? Don't ever argue with a guest, Edith.
That was a shot, wasn't it, Archie? Yeah, that's right, Irene.
One of my sad expressions.
Listen, Edith, as soon as Frank gets ready, we're going to the Museum of Natural History.
You wanna go with us? No.
Oh, I'd love to go.
I ain't been there since the sixth grade.
I'll go up and change.
You sure you don't wanna come along, Archie? Ah, what for? Go all the way into the city to see a bunch of dead bones standing around doing nothing.
I don't get you, Archie.
Don't you have any interest in learning about the past? Certainly I have interest in learning about the past, like, for instance, right here I'm reading Sports Illustrated.
Why do you think I'm doing that? This is full of the past here.
I'm looking over last year's batting averages, all the records of championship teams.
All of that is what you call "histororical" matter.
Pretty good magazine.
You oughta read it.
Only lately they've been giving over too many pages to women in sports.
And why shouldn't they? Because women ain't important in sports.
What about all the women who won gold medals at the Olympics? Oh, don't talk about them, will you? I seen them dames on TV.
They look more like a bunch of lumpy men.
I thought they looked very attractive.
Ah, come on, will you, Irene? Even the judges couldn't figure them out.
They had to give them What do you call, hermone tests.
They found out most of them had more hismones than hermones.
That's like my saying that all men are idiots because one of them says so many stupid things.
All I'm saying is that women shouldn't be messing around with men's sports, because a man could beat a woman any old time.
You mean like Bobby Riggs beat Billie Jean King? I don't even think that tennis is a man's sport.
When I think of a man's sport, I think of a sport where you get some bones broke.
Like football.
That's right.
I think getting bones broke is stupid.
Hey, Irene, ain't you got no love for your country? I must have missed something.
I thought we were talking about football.
Football is your country! Football is the only sport the commies ain't stolen from us.
It's why you can travel all over the civilized world and you won't find an all-American any place but right here in the good old U.
S.
of A.
Tell me, Archie.
What manly games do you play? Well, I used to play a little football.
I played a lot of baseball.
I still bowl in the men's league.
I shoot pool.
Pool? That's right, pool.
You any good at it? [LAUGHS.]
I hold my own.
Do you think you could beat a woman? With one eye closed, one hand tied behind my back and a bad case of the flu.
Okay, I challenge you.
You challenge me? You're crazy, Irene.
I'm serious.
Oh, come on, will you? Anyway, a gentleman don't play pool with no woman.
I got $10 says I can beat you.
You're on! Ten bucks puts a whole different complexity on the situation, Irene.
Just let me call up Kelsey's bar and see if that pool table is free for a little action.
Oh, not right now.
We're going to the museum in a few minutes.
Oh, come on.
You said you'd play me for 10 bucks.
Don't be copping out now.
Nobody's copping out.
We'll go to the museum later.
Yeah, all right.
Kelsey? Yeah, Archie Bunker here.
Hey, is the table gonna be free down there? Oh, it is.
Ah, great.
I got a pigeon I gotta pluck for about 10 bucks.
Yeah, a lady pigeon.
What you call a pigeoness.
No, no.
She challenged me.
[LAUGHS.]
Kelsey's hysterical on the line here.
No, no, no.
You know her.
Frank Lorenzo's wife, Irene.
Oh, hold on.
I'll ask her.
Kelsey wants to know if he can have $5 worth of the action.
Tell him I accept.
Hey, Kelsey, you just won yourself five bucks.
Yeah, we'll be right down.
Come on, Irene.
Let's go.
I'll be back in a few minutes.
I just want to change my shoes.
What, are you gonna play with your feet? Well, I could.
And I think I'd still beat you.
Oh, Irene, I'm still waiting.
Aren't we going to the museum? Later.
I got a date to shoot pool for money.
No kidding? Who's the pigeon? Minnesota Fats over there.
Archie, are-- Are you really gonna play Irene? Yeah.
What are you laughing about? [LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
Okay, come on.
Don't-- Don't poke me, huh? Yeah, I'm gonna play Irene.
It's gonna cost you a little dough.
The 10 bucks she bet with me and five bucks with Kelsey.
Ooh, is that all you're betting? She let you off easy.
Ah, get out of here.
She don't stand a chance.
Archie, she's good.
She even beats me.
So what? You're only a cook.
You wouldn't know a rack of balls from a bowl of zucchini.
Archie, she's played a lot of pool and beat a lot of people.
Yeah? Well, I'll tell you something, Frank.
I'm gonna beat the pants off of her.
And you ought to thank me for that because then you can start wearing them again.
What's that supposed to mean? I only mean that she's a woman who spends all day at home banging nails into the walls and messing around with the plumbing and challenging me to shoot pool.
She's more manly than womanly.
You take that back, Archie! Because where I come from, if a man talks like that about another man's wife, he don't talk again for a long time! Jeez, what are you gonna do, gag me with your apron? You-- You talk about Irene behind her back, but I'm gonna say this to your face.
If you have any doubts about my wife being a woman, it's because you're worried about yourself being a man.
Hey! you're talking to a veteran of WWII over here.
I don't care who you are.
Take back what you said about my wife.
All I'm saying is that your wife ain't satisfied with being a woman, she wants to be a man too.
That's it! You insult me, you insult my family.
You insult my family, you insult my honor.
Take this! Malocchio! What the hell is that? A Sicilian curse, the evil eye.
Malocchio, malocchio, malocchio! Well, I'll just give you a New York curse, the waving fingers.
What's going on? Hey, hey, hey.
You got any questions about me being a man, ask my witness, ask her.
Ask me what? Oh, stay out of this.
Hello.
I'm surprised at you, Archie.
You call yourself a man? A man? And that's the way you talk about your neighbor's wife? All right, Frank, don't get excited! If it'll make you feel better, I'll admit it, Irene is a--- A woman.
All right! That's better.
Yeah.
Is that what you wanted to know, Archie? I could've told you that.
Yeah, so could I.
You're not very observant, Arch.
Oh, get lost, will you? Where is Irene? We was going to the museum.
She'll be right back.
Yeah, but before she goes to the museum, she's gonna shoot a game of pool with me for 10 bucks.
Ohh! I didn't know Irene played pool.
Well, she says she does.
But I'm gonna teach her a lesson.
After this, she'll keep her big yap shut.
Malocchio! What, again? Yes.
The malocchio is on again.
Oh, gee.
What's supposed to happen? I don't know, but something will.
The malocchio works like a knuckleball.
You never know what it's gonna do.
Voom! Can you imagine this guy believing in that kinda superstitious bunk? Sure, Arch.
A lot of people believe in magic spells.
I mean, there's even magic in the Bible.
Aw, shut up, you atheist, you.
You know nothing about the Bible.
The Bible is full of miracles, no magic.
God would never fool around with no magic.
What about the story of Sodom and Gomorrah? I mean, didn't God turn Lot's wife into a pillar of salt? That's right, because when she was running away from them two dirty cities, she stopped to take a look at her behind.
Okay, I'm ready.
Let's go, come on.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
Oh, Edith, about the museum-- Oh, yeah, I've heard.
You and Archie are gonna play pool.
I'll go along and watch.
Are you ready, Archie? Hey, hey, hey.
Ah, what's this? Irene, I didn't know you played the clarinet.
Hey, that ain't the clarinet.
It's a carrying case for a private pool cue.
See that? You put them two together.
I didn't know you had a private pool cue, Irene.
Sure.
Don't you? No.
I remember, I saw Paul Newman carry one of them in The Rustler.
Oh, no.
That was called The Hustler.
Hey, Arch, I'll bet you a buck she can take you.
Save your money.
Just because her old man can afford to buy her a private pool cue don't mean she's no pool shark.
He didn't buy it for me.
I won it.
Huh? Yeah.
Look at that plaque.
"To Irene Lorenzo, first prize, Hudson Billiard Academy.
" Archie, you wanna make that two bucks? Get outta here! You're gonna lose.
Okay, let's shoot pool.
Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, Archie.
Yeah, all right, all right, yeah.
Go ahead.
Yeah, go ahead, all of you.
I've just gotta get my hat here.
I just, ah-- [SCREAMS.]
Archie, what's the matter? Oh! Oh! Somebody better pick up my hat for me.
What's wrong? I can't bend over.
Archie, it's your back again.
The back is out.
The curse is on.
And the game is off.
I just can't get it through my head, Ma.
Daddy actually claims that his back hurts because he was cursed? Yeah.
By the evil eye.
Yeah, it's more like an evil cue stick.
I heard that, Meathead.
And let me tell you something, I got a real pain here in my back.
Now don't give me another one where I sit.
Easy.
Easy, Edith.
Easy, now.
Don't hurt me.
You're hurting me! I said, "Don't hurt me!" Daddy, if the pain is that bad, maybe you oughta go see a doctor.
Oh, a doctor ain't gonna do me no good.
Well, how do you know that, Archie? He would examine you and take X-rays.
Edith, the curse don't show up on an X-ray.
Arch, you're not cursed.
You're just faking it.
I ain't faking it.
This is a real pain here.
Nn-nn! Can't you hear that? Maybe the pain is, um-- Oh, are you thinking it's psychosomatic? Yeah.
It's all up here.
Oh, cut it out.
I ain't got nothing up here.
It's all down here.
I can't argue with that.
Who asked you? Daddy, why don't you just admit you're afraid of losing a game to a woman? Why is my daughter always against me? Daddy, I'm not against you.
I'm trying to show that you don't have a curse on you.
How do you know what I got on me? How do you know that, uh, maybe you could have put one on me? How do you know that? What? That's right.
You were out walking around on the sidewalks yesterday.
Maybe you were stepping on all the cracks.
Oh, no, Archie.
That's, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back.
" That's for sons.
For sons.
Daughters want to break their father's back.
Arch, that's crazy.
How long have you been believing in curses? How long you been living here? I know a very good cure for your back, Archie.
Holy Jesus.
But the butcher's shop is closed today.
What? If it was open, I'd go right down there and get some brown paper.
Yeah, my mother used to do that when my father's lumbago started acting up.
She'd take a piece of butcher's brown paper and put it on his back and then run an iron over it.
She'd put it at the cotton setting.
The linen setting was too hot and made him holler.
I think your mother must have inherited her brains from you.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, there's someone at the door.
"Someone at the door.
" It's the first thing she's said today that makes sense.
Oh, hi, Frank.
Come in.
Hi, Mr.
Lorenzo.
Hey, Frank.
How you doing? Good morning, everybody.
Good morning.
Oh, jeez.
Here he is.
The duke of lasagna.
What do you want? Well, it's such a nice day, I thought we'd all take a nice walk down to Kelsey's and watch you and Irene shoot a little pool.
How am I gonna shoot pool? I'm in pain here.
My back don't work.
Yeah, but the hands look like they're doing a good job there.
Dry up there, will you? What I mean is, how am I gonna shoot pool when I can't bend down to the table? Maybe they could raise the table.
Don't help me, will you? Just look at me here, Frank, in pain.
My back is on your head.
What? That's right, because you put the whammy on the back.
Look at me.
I can hardly move.
I can't sit in my own soft chair.
I gotta sit in Edith's lousy chair.
[GROANS.]
Arch, maybe if you're real nice to Frank, he'll take the evil eye off you.
I can't do that.
I never learnt that part.
I only know how to give it.
But I do know someone who can take the curse off.
Well, it don't make no difference, Frank.
The pool match is off, and that's that.
Hello, operator.
Long-distance, please.
Who you calling long-distance? My uncle in Sicily.
Hey, get off the phone! Get off the phone! Oh, Archie.
Come on, will you? There's no evil eye.
I'm only kidding.
Yeah, well, I ain't.
I can't play the pool match.
That's all there is to it.
Well, then, you forfeit the game and you owe Irene What do you mean "forfeit"? If anybody owes anybody anything, Irene owes me, because you're the guy that put the whammy on my back.
Oh, all right.
All right.
I'll go home and tell Irene that the game is off.
But first I'm gonna stop off at Kelsey's and I'm gonna make a big announcement to tell everybody that Archie Bunker's not showing up because somebody put a curse on him.
Then, after they all stop laughing, I'll tell them the truth.
That you are afraid to play a woman.
Wait a minute there.
Wait a minute there, Frank.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Okay.
You're gonna get your way.
I'm gonna play the match.
I'll be in Kelsey's in an hour.
And you bring Irene there on time.
Bravo! Bravissimo! Did you hear that? He laid another curse on me.
[CASH REGISTER RINGS.]
Hi there, Kelsey.
How are you? Hey.
Hiya, Arch.
You're a little early.
Pool table won't be open for another 15 minutes.
Yeah, I thought I'd come down and kind of loosen up, you know? Hello, Bunker.
Oh, hi there, Jefferson.
I didn't know George Jefferson come in here.
Oh, yeah.
He's been coming in regularly.
Hey, Bunker.
I wanna talk to you.
Yeah, go ahead, Jefferson.
I heard about your pool match.
I wanna get some of the action.
Well, Frank Lorenzo will be here any minute.
He'll cover your bet if you wanna bet on me.
I don't wanna bet on you.
I wanna win.
Hey, Jefferson, don't you think Arch can take her? No! Talk's all over the neighborhood.
Lorenzo put the Sicilian hex on him.
Sicilian hex? Oh, come on.
Come on.
What's this all about? That's right.
That's right.
Frank Lorenzo put the Sicilian evil eye on me so his wife Irene would beat me.
The evil eye.
That's some mighty heavy stuff.
[KELSEY LAUGHS.]
That's crazy! ARCHIE: What are you laughing about? You never heard of the hex before? These people know a lot about that voodoo-de-o-doo-doo.
Tell us some more.
Oh, yeah.
We famous for that in my family.
Goes all the way back to my great-great-great-granddaddy, Mumbulu.
Mumbulu! Pfft! What was his first name? George.
Bunker, if you wanna get rid of the hex, you need a good luck charm.
Arch, come on.
You don't believe all this baloney, do you? What are you talking about, baloney? Don't you see a lot of Jewish guys going around in their cars with Christopher's medals.
They don't believe in them things.
But they figure, "What harm? Why take a chance?" Say some more, Jefferson.
Well, look, if you really want to win, what you need is Mumbulu voodoo.
First you make a circle with the bones of a dozen fried chickens.
Then, inside the circle, you form an X with the rinds of two watermelons.
Then you send for the witch doctor.
Where the hell are you gonna get a witch doctor in Queens? In the Yellow Pages.
Thanks for helping me out with my bad back, Jefferson.
KELSEY: Hey, Arch, your table's open now.
So look, Bunker.
I don't have time to stay around for the match.
Look, do you want a bet? I got 20 bucks says Irene Lorenzo beats you.
You got 20 bucks that says that that dame beats me? That's right.
Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do with you, Jefferson.
I'm gonna take a dollar of that.
Now, let's see you sharpen up the old eye here.
Pull up this one up there.
[SIGHS.]
Holy cow.
I missed an easy shot like that.
[GROANS.]
Oh, jeez.
KELSEY: He's right in there, Mrs.
Lorenzo.
[GROANS.]
Look at him.
He can't wait to get started.
Neither can I.
What do you mean I can't wait? I ain't in no condition to shoot a pool match here.
I can hardly bend over.
Rack 'em up, Archie.
Why are you asking me to rack up, Irene, the way I am? Why don't you ask Frank to do that? All right, all right, I'll rack 'em up.
Okay, I'll shoot you for the break.
Okay.
Go ahead.
There's your cue ball.
No, no.
Gentlemen first.
Okay.
All right, the nearest to the back cushion with the cue ball don't have to break, right? Okay.
All right.
Are you ready down there, Frank? Shoot! Let me see if I can do this.
I don't know if I can get over there.
Oh, Jeez, it's going through me like a knife.
[GROANS.]
Oh, look at that! Miscued! I ain't done a thing like that in 20 years.
Now you see the kind of competition you're gonna have today.
I can't do it, Frank.
I can't take advantage of a sick man.
Oh, come on, Irene.
After what he said about you, he deserves it.
Look at the man.
He can't even bend over.
[GROANS WEAKLY.]
I just can't do it.
You gotta play him.
Besides, I think he's faking.
I ain't faking, Frank, and she don't gotta do nothing.
You don't gotta play me, Irene.
You can wait two, three weeks.
My back will be better then.
I'll play you a fair game.
I'll still take your $10 off you.
Bless you, Archie.
You're one of a kind.
And thank God for that.
Come on, Irene.
Let's go.
I'll buy you a drink.
And I'll buy you one too, Archie.
All right, Frank.
Don't mind if I do.
[GROANS.]
Oh, uh, Archie, is that your dollar? Yeah, that's mine.
He can bend! He can bend! I told you he was faking! Okay, Archie.
Okay.
Let's shoot pool.
He lost.
Clam up, you.
EDITH: Oh, Archie.
Frank Lorenzo just called.
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
I hope you thanked Irene.
For what? For fixing your back.
She didn't do that.
Oh, that's funny.
Frank said she straightened you out.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All In the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.