Black-ish (2014) s04e14 Episode Script

1 DRE: For any great parent, one good look is all you need to tell what your kids have been up to.
- [SNIFFING.]
- [MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV.]
Ah, really? I just changed you at half time.
Sometimes, you barely have to look at all.
Uh-uh-uh! Did you wash your hands? - Yep.
- Uh-uh-uh! Lick your fingers.
Caught in a lie.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, thought so.
Other times, things require a more careful eye.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Show me both of your hands at the same time.
Slowly.
[SIGHS.]
Would you believe I'm defending your honor? No.
And then, there are times when you can't believe what you're seeing is true.
Yeah Yeah - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Bow.
What? Did you see that? See what? [BREATHES SHARPLY.]
Junior's [bleep.]
.
I be strokin' [LAUGHING.]
How do you know he's active? Did he tell you? He didn't have to tell me.
There's only one thing that will make a boy walk like that.
[GASPS.]
My baby boy! Oh, my gosh! We need to celebrate.
Make a turkey, Bow.
I don't know why, but it just feels right! I have so many questions.
When did this happen? As soon as she said yes.
Where did this happen? The same place she said yes.
I can't believe he didn't tell me.
Junior talks to me about everything.
Not this.
It's just not something that boys bring to their mothers.
Mama! Guess what! Yeah! I can see it in your walk! Ha ha! Let Mama make you a turkey.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, at least his first time was with someone that he's in a long-term relationship with.
- I mean, even if it is Megan.
- My man.
Ew.
Dre.
- What? - This isn't a "my man" moment.
This is the ultimate "my man" moment.
It's his rite of passage.
- Y You know what? - Hmm? We need to focus on what's important.
That is That is a very healthy way of looking at this.
Like what sides we're going to have with the turkey.
Can you forget the turkey, please?! Hey.
Those scarves aren't from that Harry Potter heresy, are they? The only boy wizard I want to know about was born in a manger.
It's okay, Grandma.
It's not blasphemy.
Our friend Mason's grandmother, Nana Jean, made them for us.
Yeah.
She is so fun.
She knits, does crafts, and her food is amazing.
[RAPIDLY.]
Wait a minute.
Who is this Nana Jean food, now? It's nice to finally have authentic Korean, not some sorry excuse from a food truck.
Oh.
Do you want to try some bulgogi? Do I look like I want to try some bulgogi? What do you kids need this stranger for? You have one grandmother! That's enough! Um, you're forgetting Mom's mom, Grandma Alicia.
Am I? Okay, so you have one good grandmother.
So don't be bothering with this Nana Jean anymore.
Wait a minute.
What's that? A soy-scallion marinade? [SNIFFS.]
Smells stupid.
I told Bow I wouldn't celebrate Junior's news, and I didn't where she could see me.
[GROUP CHEERING.]
- Opa! - [LAUGHTER.]
Dre, I could tell by the way you walked in here today - Mm-hmm.
- that your son was having sex! - [LAUGHTER.]
- I am so proud.
You know, is is it wrong to celebrate? Because Bow acted like it was wrong.
- No! - No, it is not wrong! [LAUGHS.]
Celebrating your son's deflowering is one of the true joys of fatherhood.
Hey, I remember when Connie manned up.
Boy.
Yeah, we had to fire the nanny and get a new pool table, - but, my God, was I proud! - [LAUGHING.]
- Yeah.
- Good for Junior.
Eustace, he still gets nervous around girls.
And horses.
The horses I can understand, because they're people who have been put under spells.
But girls? - They're just people.
- Mm.
To Junior.
For making it happen.
- Yeah.
- Yeah! Yes.
Congratulations, Dre.
I hope it was as satisfying for the girl as it is for you.
Oh, my God, Lucy! We're talking about the man's son losing his virginity.
It has nothing to do with women.
Well, yes, it does.
When Junior has sex, the girl has sex, too.
Obviously, Lucy, women have sex.
Not a concession.
Hard fact.
You know, but I think a guy's first time can only be understood by another guy.
- That's true.
- Yeah.
DRE: Like, the first time I bought condoms.
I was so nervous that I put half of the store on the counter as a distraction.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- And only a guy can understand how my first time was all about my father.
See, my father was cheating on my mom with the nanny, so I slept with the nanny and got her fired.
And I see the cycle that I'm in.
I remember my first time.
Oh, for God's sakes, Lucy! No one wants to hear about how you gave it away.
Now, come on.
- Let's really celebrate, huh? - All right.
[WHISPERING.]
Put that away.
And if Grandma asks, you were at the library.
Library, huh? What book did you check out, Jack? Uh the Bible.
Literally could have said any other book.
This is grandma lipstick.
I thought we agreed we were done with this Nana Jean character! But today we made piggy banks out of recycled coffee cans! What kind of sicko buys coffee in a can? [WHIMPERS.]
Now, I can't see why a grown woman with no legal obligation wants you two around.
Now, don't get me wrong.
You're You're my grandbabies, and I love you, but you're real boring company.
But Nana Jean says she likes seeing the world through our young eyes.
Yeah, she finds us interesting.
You two? What's interesting about you two? You just had to get that goodbye kiss, didn't you? - Hey.
- Hey.
I'm just finishing up what we should cover with Junior.
Uh [CHUCKLES.]
What's there to talk about? Our son is sexually active.
We need to make sure he's going about it the right way.
Then we're all set, babe.
I already had the sex talk with him.
I appreciate all this advanced dating advice, - but there's other stuff.
- Mm.
Okay.
I heard some kids talking about "oral"? I would stay away from that.
You know kid like you with wheat allergies.
Junior having sex is proof that my talk worked.
Okay.
Not to take away from the effectiveness of your talk - Which clearly worked.
- Yes.
But there's a difference between theory and practice, Dre.
And we want to make sure that Junior is okay, that he is using protection because for all we know, Megan is trying to trap him.
Only a guy can understand where Junior is, Bow.
Trust me, it's not a conversation a boy wants to have with his mom.
You tell me you used protection, I'll bake you a pie.
Mm-hmm.
It's a wonder you can function at all, Dre.
JUNIOR: I'm headed over to Megan's.
- See you guys later.
- Okay.
Okay, okay, I will let you have this one, Dre, but you got to warn Junior about gonorrhea, super gonorrhea, and gold diggers.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I got it.
I got it.
- Okay, okay.
N Oh, hey.
There he is! [CHUCKLES.]
My man! [CHUCKLES.]
So you good? Yeah.
Huh.
Wrapping it up? Yep.
My man.
That's it? Bow, that was the best conversation that Junior and I have ever had.
Dre, you didn't say anything.
So, our son is having sex.
Boys will be boys.
Boys will be boys? I'm not gonna come down hard on him just because he's getting it in.
You might be right, Dre.
Mm-hmm.
- Boys will be boys.
- Mm-hmm.
And girls will be girls.
Why did you say that? No reason.
[GASPS.]
Oh! Maybe we should get a turkey for Zoey.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why would we do that? Because she earned it.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
Wait.
What? Zoey's [bleep.]
.
[GASPS.]
Going to the Sunken Place didn't get you out of grocery shopping, and it's not gonna get you out of this conversation.
Maybe she's pranking you.
You know, college kids, they they love pranking.
It's not a prank.
She and I have spoken several times.
- Several? - Zoey is having sex! - [LAUGHS.]
- [WHIMPERS.]
We should celebrate! [LAUGHS.]
Give me a high five, Dre! Come on! Get the champagne! She da man! Zoey Is Da man - Huh! Huh! Huh! - Stop it! Ahh.
- She's my little girl! - [SIGHS.]
Why didn't she tell me this? She talks to me about everything.
Would you have wanted to have this conversation with her? No! But I wanted her to believe that at least she could.
- Mm-hmm.
- And if she ever brought it up, I would pretend to get an emergency work call.
Who is this guy, anyway? Huh? Are they in love? Because if they're in love, then they'll get married, and there won't be another guy.
I think I can live with that.
- Well, they were serious.
- Okay.
But they broke up since then.
And he left her on the side of the road like a busted old water heater? Zoey is not a water heater.
She is a sexual being.
No, she's not! She's my daughter! I'm a sexual being, and I'm someone's daughter.
And I would hope your father would have had the decency to be disgusted by that.
[SIGHS.]
My little girl she's gone.
Diane?! No.
Zoey.
She's she's been with a man.
- [GASPS.]
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Dre.
You know what? Take the day, the week, whatever you need.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh! - Okay.
- Hi.
Yeah.
Quick question.
Might you be overreacting? I mean, Zoey taking control of her body is actually a good thing.
- What? - You whore.
We are talking about the man's daughter! [SOFTLY.]
When my candle company takes off, I am so out of here.
What Dre needs right now is some way to salvage his daughter's soiled reputation.
Mm.
So, we talking time machine.
I know a guy, but he sold it.
Maybe I can buy it back from the guy he sold it to, go back in time, and then borrow it from my friend.
You know what, Dre? Forget your daughter.
- She's damaged goods.
- Yeah, tappin' out.
Hey, do us a favor.
Bring us back some kettle corn, will you, sweetheart? Die in a fire.
Thank you.
[KNOCKING.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[MUFFLED.]
Did you come in here to eat your feelings about your daughter having sex? 'Cause I'm eating my feelings about being called a whore at work.
Again.
It was so much fun talking about my son having sex.
It's ruined now that I know that Zoey's doing it, too.
Oh, 'cause seeing it through your daughter's eyes made you realize that women are people? Exactly.
It's so weird! What I think is weird is how men only seem to care about a woman's point of view when they suddenly remember they have a daughter.
I do care about women.
All I was doing was celebrating my son.
And what about the father of the guy Zoey was with? Can he celebrate his son? Where is that son of a bitch? I'll celebrate him.
I know that sounded festive, but I meant it as a threat.
Uh-huh.
How about you help me kill this cake instead? You know, I never realized that every girl is somebody's Zoey.
Yeah.
That's why getting through the day is so hard here.
[SIGHS.]
The way the men in that conference room talk about women? It's so demoralizing.
It's like they're monsters.
Hey, hey.
Wait a minute.
I'm in that conference room.
Am I a monster? You're like monster adjacent.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- I'll take that.
- But you don't have to be.
And neither does Junior.
Junior.
I've told him all the wrong stuff.
- I got to go.
- Yeah, oh You Or you could stay here and help me change the culture Ah, forget it.
This is what I get for voting for Trump.
Nana Jean means well.
Please don't drag her into the street.
Don't you worry about your only grandmother.
She hasn't shown you all the tricks up her sleeve.
- It's punching.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
The trick up her sleeve is punching.
Jack! Diane! And you must be Ruby.
I've heard so much about you.
Wonhung-i habachuln-i peonchi, Nana Jean.
The sounds you just made were not Korean, and I found it incredibly offensive.
Please, come in.
I understand you wanting to be protective of Jack and Diane.
Grandchildren are a precious gift.
Mm-hmm.
So, you're just a kind, old grandma who spends time with children and thinks they have good things to say.
Well, I smell a rat.
Where's the real Nana? [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Nana Jean? We're bored.
Can we make gingerbread houses? - Please? - Gingerbread? That's a December craft.
There's no wrong time of the year to make a memory.
This bitch - Grandma? - Uh-huh? Can we stay and make memories? Please? Well, if you stay, you're gonna miss my famous Double-Bacon Mac-n-Cheese.
Well, we prefer lighter Korean flavors now.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay.
- Let's go.
- All right.
- Bye.
- All right, kids.
Why don't you join us, Ruby? Because I know when somebody's trying to steal my grandbabies.
And I'm pretty sure it was you who held a gun on me during the riots, Jean.
You had your shot, and you didn't take it.
But I took your TV.
- RAINBOW: Hey! - Hey.
So, I just wanted to You know, - you usually talk to me about stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
And your father's talk was, um brief.
[LAUGHS.]
So I-I just wanted to make sure that you and Megan felt like Oh, don't don't worry about that.
Megan and I broke up.
What? What do you mean, you broke up? You just had sex.
Yeah, but we were Junior, does that feel right to you? To use her for sex and then dump her like a busted water heater? Water heater? That poor Megan! You hate Megan.
This isn't about Megan, Junior.
Mom, you don't understand.
It was mutual.
It is never mutual.
She just said that to save face.
That poor girl! My God, she must be devastated.
You took her flower.
Junior, Daddy made you a monster.
- Wha - Yeah.
Yes.
- You know what he did? - What? He dumped sweet Megan as soon as he got what he wanted.
Yeah.
That is not how it went down.
You have to fix this! What am I supposed to do? You're gonna act like any honorable man, and you're gonna get back with her.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Strictly for appearances.
She is not an object, son.
- She is a girl.
- Yeah.
Well, now she's a woman - Oh, my God! - thanks to him.
What is happening? I'll tell you what's happening, Junior, is that you are going to beg Megan - for her forgiveness.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you have any idea how Megan's dad is feeling right now? - Rob? - Yes, Junior.
Your actions affect more than just you! You know what? I'm gonna need Rob's address.
Yeah, and I'm gonna send him some Omaha Steaks to make up for the terrible things we said at work today.
You talked about this at work? Does he have a nickname? Robbie? Robbo? This is crazy.
- You are going to call Megan - Yeah.
and make it right, you monster.
Now get out.
But this this is my room.
Get out of here! Why's there so much kimchi in our refrigerator? DRE: Hey.
Hold on! Did you call Megan? Did she accept our apology? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
I called her.
Good.
And she did not want to get back together.
- [SIGHS.]
- Oh.
Which was not a surprise, because she's the one who dumped me.
- What? - What? Wait.
Junior.
- You said it was mutual.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I lied to save face.
But I got more information about why she dumped me, so, you know, worth it! - What happened? - What happened? It was just college-acceptance sex.
She got into Northwestern and wanted to lose her virginity before she left.
Also, apparently I'm clingy.
- Yeah.
That's your fault.
- I know.
Hey, Junior.
Why didn't you tell us, sweetheart? Because getting dumped after having sex for the first time isn't a great feeling.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Of course not.
Did you hear that, Bow? - Yeah.
- You blew it.
I - Oh.
- Grandma! - We're in trouble.
- What? Nana Jean sent us on a rock hunt.
And we found this great throwing rock.
Then we shattered Janine's car window.
Kind of by accident? [SIGHS.]
I didn't think I'd throw it that far.
Nana Jean says we have to be honest and take the consequences.
Oh, she does? Ruby, one of these kids shattered my window.
The little Asian boy did it.
Face your consequences, kid.
Well, then your parents are gonna have to write me a really big check.
I'm gonna make an example out of you.
J-Janine, wait! Mason Also drew the nipples on your garden gnomes.
The whole point is that they're nonsexual! Oh, you're gonna fry for this, young man! - Wait! You guys, no! - Bye.
Nana Jean says always be loyal! Grandma.
The way you sold him out? Psh.
I'm learning from the master.
We're sorry we turned our backs on you for exotic food and off-season crafts.
Oh, I know you are, babies.
Now, how many grandmothers do you have? - One.
- One.
That's right.
Give me a big hug.
Are we still friends with Mason? No, baby.
He's dead to you.
Cool.
Babe taking a step back, I realize that we handled our conversation with Junior poorly.
We were calling him a monster, and we were the monsters.
We were.
I know I'm supposed to say that I treat my son and my daughter, when it comes to sex, equally, but I can't.
I thought I could.
Then I heard that Junior and Megan broke up right after they had sex, and I was brought back to high school, where it was all about reputation.
I called virginity a "flower.
" - Oh.
Yeah.
You did.
- Ugh! How are we supposed to end this double standard if I, one of the most enlightened people in the world, still has it? Okay, babe.
Well, we may not be able to end the double standard - in the world - Mm.
but we could do a little better in our house.
Mm-hmm.
Say something more to Junior than "wrap it up.
" Yeah.
I'm gonna come with you this time.
- Good call.
- Yeah.
'Cause "wrap it up" was all I had.
We got to be gentle with Junior.
He just got dumped by a monster.
- Mm.
- Aah! I've got to cancel those steaks.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Oh.
Hello, Ruby.
Are Jack and Diane home? It's 10:30.
They're still at school.
Good.
Because I'd hate to have them see me drag their grandmother into the street.
There it is! I knew it! You think it's cool to sell out my grandson to that sad divorcée? Then I got bad news for you.
And I do remember you from the riots.
I should have taken the shot.
Come for me, bitch.