Cougar Town s04e14 Episode Script

Okay, Big Lou has called the meeting to order.
Thank you, my friend.
Mmm.
Okay, we need to talk about our vacation to the Bahamas.
Can we talk about how we all spend every second together, so it's insane for us to also travel together? All in favor of Grayson not being able to speak anymore? - It passes.
- Yeah, but Zip it.
Okay, we're leaving in three days.
We need to decide whether we're gonna invite Tom.
He is part of the gang now.
On the other hand, he's Tom.
With the combo of our booze intake and our general poor judgment, I think having a doctor around is a pro.
True.
But warning I am horrible at small talk.
You do not want to sit next to me on the beach.
- Sweetie, I'd let other people do the cons.
- Pro he's eager to please, so you know he'll wake up early and get pool chairs.
Con he's Tom.
I know I already said this.
But I think it's worth mentioning twice.
I've always wanted to go to the Bahamas.
Interestingly, for years, the country's principal industry was ship salvaging.
That is some God-awful small talk.
See, there I go.
I got to say, it's a toss-up.
- Yeah, 50/50.
- Not to me.
- Welcome aboard, buddy.
- Yeah, man! - Huzzah! - Cheers.
Nice shoes.
Did you make them? Sit down, have some coffee, then be horrible.
All right.
Dad, we don't need you to stay over.
We just need you to water the plants while we're gone.
Yeah, but I want to stay.
This weekend, Gulfhaven is hosting a Clint Eastwood movie marathon and a soup festival.
There's gonna be old people everywhere.
Aww, so you're gonna be trolling for some old ladies, aren't you, daddy? I hope I get some rest on this vacation.
Lately, I've been sleeping like a baby.
Oh, you poor thing.
Sleeping like a baby is a good thing.
Babies wake up every 10 minutes, hungry and screaming.
That is not restful.
No, no, no, no, don't do that thing where you take a well-established saying and then change it to Where's Ellie? Change approved! What are we looking at? I wish you had a TV in here.
This is awkward.
Yeah, yeah.
This is what awkward is.
What's the big deal? We've hung out on my bed a million times.
Well, now that we've both said that we liked each other, I mean, it's out there.
This is practically our first date.
God, why am I so nervous? You know, maybe we should just watch a movie and hang out like we normally do.
- Good call.
- Thank God.
Hey, and for the record, I wore underwear tonight so you'd think I was classy.
No, you didn't.
I didn't.
Turns out, I don't actually own any.
It's hard to walk around holding a bunch of cakes, so we decided that a "cakewalk" is something that's hard to do.
Someone in a funk, they need to be "slapped out of it.
" And since "slim chance" means that it probably won't happen, "fat chance" means that it definitely will.
Oh, and also you know how getting your ass kicked always sucks? Well, anything that's really terrible "kicks ass.
" - That makes sense.
- It doesn't.
Dad, this is our new neighbor, Anne.
- Oh, hello.
- Hello, back.
Aren't you lovely.
I'm actually staying here all week.
- Dad, she's married.
- I'm having a nap.
Oh, I need to go, too.
I have to pick up a case of whiskey.
Oh, yeah, my girl can party! No, it's for a funeral.
- I feel terrible.
- It was my good friend.
Colon cancer got him.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- That kicks ass.
- Stop.
Thank you.
The sad part is, had he gone to his doctor for regular checkups, they could have caught it.
Bye.
Bye.
What, are you sad because of Anne's friend? No, dummy, she's sad because in the last two seconds, she's decided her dad's gonna die of some terrible disease.
- Right, sweetie? - There's just so much I should have told him.
I know.
I'd be so much of a better husband than you.
You're lucky you have a penis.
Yeah, they're pretty cool.
What are you doing? I'm on autotrader.
com.
You know, they got a lot of great deals on new cars.
Do you have any money? I do not.
You know, I wish they had a half-eaten-sandwich-trader.
com.
You know, I got a slightly-used BLT, and I'd love to get into a Monte Cristo.
Why do you want a car? What's wrong with your golf cart? Oh, you know, it's a little too small for certain things.
I can't feel my legs.
How much further to the ken No, no, no, no! Whoa! Dog Travis will bolt if he hears that we're heading to the K-E-N-E-L.
Think you're giving him too much credit.
This dog is a genius, bud.
They spelled "kennel" wrong.
Aw! My fault for saying it.
Hey.
Got you a Bahama hat.
Cool.
Am I joining a boy band? Hee hee Whoo! Am I too pretty to be the tough one? I never know what the hell anyone's talking about around here.
Why are y'all going to the Bahamas anyway? Nothing to do there but sit around and drink.
Yeah, we'll try to make the best of it.
I always dreamed about going to see Hollywood.
Hollywood bunch of loser wannabe actors, sending out their lame homemade video reels to casting agents who never even call them back.
Dad, someone really close to Anne just recently passed away.
- Her husb - Not her husband.
- Thank God.
- I mean, how hard is it to make one phone call? "Look, your video reel was fine okay? but maybe concentrate on modeling for now.
" I will take that hat back so fast.
Anyway, when is the last time that you went to the doctor and got checked out? Had to be about five years ago.
Good night, June-bug.
Are you already in your crazy place? Yeah.
Is it something that wine could solve? Maybe if it's Big Lou.
But hurry.
Look, just think happy thoughts, okay? Like me in my hat or my boy band, yeah.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Ooh, that could be our first single.
Everything's gonna be okay, girl Girl You were taken too soon, Big Lou.
I'll miss you.
Should we pour some out for our homey? Mm.
What the hell are they doing? - Wineglass funeral.
- Hmm.
It's only weird the first time you see it.
This is like my fourth one.
Yeah, first time as a murderer.
- Ohh! - For Lou.
For Lou.
- Ohh! - For Lou! You all had rings on! Promise me you'll all sock him like that when I die.
Yeah, about that, you need to get a checkup, dad.
Why? All my parts are still working.
I'm able to pee once every six or seven weeks.
That's a joke.
Honey, look, I'm an old man.
If I go to the doctor, they're gonna find something wrong.
I'd just rather skip all that, keep on whistling past the graveyard.
That sound good, June-bug? No.
You tried.
That's all you can do, right? We're gonna get him to the doctor before we leave, or we're not going on a vacation.
Fantastic.
Hey, last night was your first date, wasn't it? How was your first time as lovers? Please don't say it like that.
Well, now I'm only gonna say it like that.
Come on, talk.
Did you guys Slappidy, slappidy, slappidy, slappidy.
Honk-honk.
Bl-bl-bl! You two are having fun, aren't you? - Yes! - Uh-huh, yeah.
Lovers.
Look, I know we all tend to talk about everything, but, uh, we're not gonna discuss our relationship with you.
It was supes awkward, you guys.
Or we are.
I changed my mind.
It's just really hard to go from being regular friends to being "eee-eee, slappidy, slappidy, honk, honk" friends.
Jules and I were friends first.
Of course, my flawless body helped us get over any awkward parts.
- Oh.
- You guys will make it.
I promise.
Or you won't, and you'll be doomed.
Thanks.
Doomed as lovers.
Hey, thanks for watching Dog Trav for me.
No problem.
Thank you for not talking too much about your trip - so I don't get jealous.
- Sure.
You know, it's been hard, because the Bahamas are gonna be awesome! Ando, can you believe that we're going? - No! - Yay! - Oh, I got us these shirts made.
- Ooh, ooh! "Ba-Homies.
" - Ba-Homies! - Whoo! Sweet! - Anyway, Dog Trav can be tough to connect with.
- Dogs love me.
He's not just some dopey nut-licker.
You know? For DT to love you, he must know that you're pure of heart.
Let's start with a trust exercise so he knows that you're not afraid to be vulnerable.
Tell him your most embarrassing secret.
Okay I'm lactose-intolerant.
Well, somebody's clearly holding back.
Come on, try again.
Dig deep.
We can't just drive Chick to the doctor.
We need a fake story.
Like, where's someplace he really wants to go? Thailand.
Right, too far.
Oh, a bikini contest! Right, because we live in a straight-to-video "National Lampoon" movie.
No one's dumb enough to believe we're going to a bikini contest.
Bikini contest? When, where, and how much are the tickets? And if they're too pricy, is there some sort of hole-in-the-fence situation where we can watch for free? I don't know how much the tickets are, but they can't be too much, can they? Wait.
Is this contest real or made-up? We're taking Chick to the doctor.
Can I still go to the bikini contest? Well, I'm sure we can stop there after the doctor's office.
There is no bikini contest! Slap out of it! Baby, you're sounding just like us.
Yes, you've made me dumber.
Congratulations.
I hope dad's not too mad when he finds out where we're taking him.
Quick hint when Dog Travis ran away at the kennel, he would have come back if I had a biscuit.
So just make sure you keep some of Chick's favorite treats in your pocket, just in case he bolts.
You're insane.
And this is coming from someone who just made up, and then forgot she made up, a fake bikini contest.
I know my dad hates the doctor, but he's not a dog.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Dad, wait! I have treats! Werther's! Show me.
Damn it.
Did you ever think about how our first kiss would go down? A million times.
Tell me.
I think I'd rather show you.
Okay.
So, a few years ago, I shot a video of you and Smith kissing in the plaza.
I imported it into after effects and digitally removed Smith which, if you've ever rotoscoped before, you know this a nightmare.
All I got to do is step up here to the old green screen.
Uh, just keep watching the monitor.
Okay.
Just slide right in here, and kiss you.
And I just now, this moment, am realizing how creepy this is.
No one's ever made me a stalker video that I didn't have to see in a courtroom first.
I love it.
You know, maybe, um maybe you should tell me how you thought our first kiss would go, and, uh, I'll make it happen.
I thought we'd be all dressed up.
I thought we'd be out under the stars.
And then we would hold each other and lean in.
And then I would notice all your weird roommates staring at us.
Seriously, Garrett? When I saw my dad in New York, ice-skating with that same woman and her kids, I asked him point-blank, "Dad, do you have a whole other family that mom and I don't know about?" Oh, that means, "Thank you for sharing.
" Hey, dummy.
The other one.
We have to leave soon.
You haven't packed for me yet.
We have to get Dog Travis and Riggs to fall in love.
And I need to stop betraying my mom with my silence.
I can't help you, but I can speed you two geniuses up.
Dogs can't feel love.
That giant thing has a tiny, tiny pea-brain.
Oh, Ellie.
You're so smart with human stuff, but you're so dumb with dogs.
Game on.
Call your dog.
Show me your love for each other.
Come on, buddy! Come give me a face full of kisses, you big, beautiful bastard.
Hey, dumb animal steak.
Dog Trav, no! Who held your paw when they took your nuts? I mean, what we have is real! He loves me.
This sucks.
We need to leave for the airport in a few hours, and we haven't even packed yet.
Calm down.
We're gonna find him.
We just need to look for something with gray hair and a sweater.
What the Eastwood.
Soup.
Right.
Hey, Grayson, what did you do today? "Oh, me? Not much.
Just waded through 10,000 geezers, searching for an insane old man who turned into a dog when he saw a doctor's office.
" All right, that's it.
Listen up, old people! Uh, Mr.
Eastwood would like to speak! What are you doing? Just go with it.
Make my day.
Hello, Chair.
Thank you.
Listen, dad, I know you're here, and I know what you're wearing! You got to help me.
She wants to take me to the doctor.
I have werther's now! If you're standing near my dad, would you please raise your hand! I'd have made the same choice.
- Did Grayson ask you to tend bar while he's gone? - No.
We have to get some plane drinks in us before we get our plane drinks.
What can do you for, her-dee-der? How about a true friend? Or a love that I can believe in? You have that behind the bar? You did this.
Are you happy? I literally cannot stop smiling.
My best friend in the world only cares about his own needs, man.
He was just using me for food and after-dinner butt scratches.
You and Andy have an intense relationship.
He was talking about Dog Travis.
But I've walked in on those two doing weirder stuff.
- No, you haven't.
- No? Should I describe the time I walked in and you guys were re-enacting the pottery scene from "Ghost"? I've told you, we've never even seen that movie.
He just wanted help making a vase.
You guys want to sit over there? No, we're fine holding him.
Let's just get this over with.
Check me out, sawbones.
Of course, Chick, but I'm not sure why we're doing this.
You were here last month for a full physical.
Remember? - Oh, that's right.
- We talked about how you were starting to have some memory problems.
I told you they'd find something.
- All right.
- Mmm.
- I'll see you in a few days.
- Yeah.
All right, I'm leaving now.
Going on my trip.
You know, I could die out there, you know? Jet-ski accident, a booze-cruise fire.
My heart could explode from a too-tight banana hammock.
This could be the last time you see me.
Fine.
Whatever, dog.
Later.
Oh, you think you can fix it just like that, huh? Aww, I love you, you son of a bitch! Old friend, come back home even though you always were alone you had to push against the fates Yeah, I love you, too.
I love you, too.
What are we gonna do with us? Just to make it, make it through the gate Hey.
- You all packed? - Yeah.
I can't believe we're going on vacation with the stupid first-kiss thing still hanging over our heads.
Maybe we should just make out right now and get it over with.
Turn around, Garrett.
I don't even care if they watch.
You know, I once made out with a girl in front of like a hundred dudes.
But, in my defense, one of them had bought me a shot.
No one's ever paid me for kisses except for my mom.
But, uh, you know, end of the month, rent's due, sometimes you just got to pucker up and Shut up.
I'm coming in.
Old friend come to me Everything I was, I used to be Grandpa has Alzheimer's? Yeah, he's in the early stages.
You know, I always thought it was actually called "old timers' disease"? I mean, it makes more sense.
Change approved.
All right, look.
Let's not be sad, okay? Dad and I talked it out.
We hugged a lot.
We cried a whole lot.
And, yes, old timers' disease can take you like that.
But he could also be around for another 10 years.
As a family, we decided that we're gonna stay positive.
Since you're all a part of my family, I just ask that we're there for each other and we cherish whatever time that we have.
Other than that, nothing changes.
It seems like it doesn't matter now, but are we still going on this trip? Oh, right.
One thing changed.
When I believe in you Los Angeles! I can't believe we're actually here! Yeah, just like our beaches at home, except for with smog and weird people.
We can do this.
Smiles for dad, y'all.
- Yay! - Yeah! Hollywood! Hey, Jules, it's Tom in the beautiful Bahamas, uh, leave me a message because I can't find you guys.
I, uh, talked to the hotel clerk.
He said that no one's checked in and the rooms were canceled, so, if you're running late, no problem.
I'll, uh I'll see you soon.
Uh, if you guys played a trick on me and you're not actually showing up? Good one.
I love when you play gags on me.
Um, call me back.
Uh this is Tom.
Uh, Bahamas Tom.
Uh, Tommy-Bahammy.