Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s04e14 Episode Script

1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend I really like all this.
You know, music and theater.
I hadn't done it since this summer camp I went to, like, a million years ago, but I forgot how happy it made me.
AKOPIAN: You loved that play.
Love doesn't have to be a person.
It can be a passion.
When things get tough, it's how I understand the world.
Wow.
Auditions for an Elliot Ellison revue.
"Please prepare 16 bars " I just signed up to audition for a local community theater production.
I'm so excited.
It feels really right.
So, for my big, huge audition, which dress says, "I'm back, theater, and this time I'm staying"? That is a lot to ask from a garment.
But the black.
- Okay! - Definitely the black.
- Okay.
- Okay.
My turn.
Yeah.
Which suit for my interview says, "I am a kick-ass lawyer and I'm gonna work my butt off"? The navy.
You know why? It brings out the sparkle of justice in your eyes.
That's a great compliment.
Kind of want to date you now.
And I would, but there's so much competition.
You and Greg and Nathaniel and Josh? No, I told you, that is all off the table.
They're out of the picture now.
Clearing the path for my true love the theater.
These Elliot Ellison songs are so classic, and they've held such a special place in my heart since childhood.
Paula, when I walk on that stage, it's all gonna click for me.
I j I feel it.
That's great, Cookie.
All right.
Well, I got to go.
Oh, by the way, how's Darryl taking the fact that you're interviewing at other firms? Oh, not well.
Not well at all.
No, he's a mess.
But you know what? He's gonna be okay.
He's gonna be fine.
Now watch my lawyer walk.
Uh Ooh, yes, girl.
I kind of want to date you, too, now.
- Yeah, you do.
- Hey, Paula.
- Hey, girl.
- Hey, Rebecca, what's the emergency? Yes, so which dress for my audition? That's it? You couldn't have sent a text? No, you have to see it in person, okay? This is important.
It's my big, big, big day.
- Wear the black.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Hey last call to audition with me.
I have no interest at all.
Also, I have to go.
Beth said she needs to see me right now.
It's very important.
Also, she just had a coffee with my mom.
So we all know what that means.
She's gonna propose before we go back to New York.
I know it! Oh, wow, oh, my God! So I got to go.
I only have a few minutes to get a Mani, pedi, oxygen facial, and a quick zap at the cryogenic chamber.
Ooh! Bye, good luck.
Should I go to the cold chamber? Nah.
I don't want to ruin my vocal cords.
Meet Rebecca She's the coolest girl in the world, wait Wrong Rebecca It's this one over here She's spunky, she's sweet, a generous friend Oh, but there she looks kind of mean Hmm.
Okay, she's snarky Sarcastic and a What? You know, we're not really seeing a common theme Meet Rebecca She's too hard to summarize So let's go back to Other Rebecca.
I have the Benjamin Button disease.
I'm 70! GREG: My dad was the worst businessman.
Everything's a mess.
Look at these invoices.
"Stuff," "crap," "things," "junk.
" That's exactly how they teach you to do it in business school.
Oh, I love these old-school booths.
Are you reupholstering the leather? Dude, this is just a pop-up for my senior thesis.
I don't need to go full-out.
Vinyl could get me the "A.
" Hmm.
Yeah, I don't know.
When I'm having a nice lasagna, I don't want my thighs sticking to a synthetic.
Okay, for that problem I'm just gonna recommend pants.
You would.
Wait, and why are you doing your thesis here and not in Atlanta? Access to a free restaurant.
And my professor's a sucker for family businesses.
Those are the reasons.
Yeah, no, don't buy it.
You're doing it to be near Rebecca.
What? No.
No, no, no.
You're insane.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
NATHANIEL: I think we have a real shot of getting your charges reduced to manslaughter, - shave off ten years.
- That's great.
Thank you.
Now, tell me why you're really here.
What do you mean? You're telling me you're here for me and not because you want something to talk about with Rebecca? What? (chuckles) We're over.
I mean, yeah, I might've cracked a smile when I found out that she broke up with Greg, but I'm not pursuing her.
No way.
She's turned me down so many times.
Yeah, what a weirdo.
Why would a 7.
5 turn down a 9.
6? I took .
4 off because your breath smells almost too good.
Look, I know you care about our cases, but you also want excuses to talk to your ex.
What? No.
No, no, no.
You're insane.
Your cases have nothing to do with Rebecca.
Oh, okay.
Uh-huh.
Hi, I was wondering, um, a friend of mine is doing your community theater revue.
It's got me thinking, um, you guys need anyone to work backstage? I'm a member of the community and really good at lifting stuff.
Okay, great.
Thanks.
(chuckles) - (water bubbling) - What? (bubbling) What? No.
No, no, no, you're insane.
This volunteer tech stuff has nothing to do with Rebecca.
(bubbling) You okay? Yes.
Totally refreshed, like I just stood in a metal barrel and got sprayed with freezing cold air.
What's up? So I have something to ask you, and it's kind of a big deal.
My answer is yes! I didn't ask you anything yet.
Sorry.
Go ahead.
Hear me out.
Because if we do this, people are gonna think we're nuts, that we're moving too quickly.
Oh, I don't care what other people think.
Never do.
I mean, I did for a long time, but now I don't.
Go.
- Here it is.
- Okay.
Three little words.
Jersey City condominium.
I get it.
You're thinking, "Jersey City.
No way.
" But it's up and coming, and I found a place with a surprisingly cheap mortgage because it's right over an underpass.
I had coffee with your mom.
She's excited.
We have her blessing.
She's co-signing! So what do you think? We have to apply as soon as we get back.
Get back? Oh.
I'm not going back to New York next week.
I didn't tell you.
I'm doing a play.
Here in West Covina.
- A play? - Yep, yep, yep, sorry, I committed already.
Rebecca's doing it, too.
She proposed I join her.
It's a three-night run.
It's gonna be quite an engagement.
I'm sorry, I have to go.
Hey, so, uh, what made you change your mind, huh? Was it something that Beth said? Uh, actually, it was something she didn't say.
I was expecting a ring and I didn't get one, so now I'm not sure if I even want to go back to New York.
Oh.
So, are you kind of having a temper tantrum right now? No, I am not having a tantrum, I'm just doing a community theater musical revue so I don't have to talk to my girlfriend! Okay, okay, well, that's okay.
Well, I'm just happy to have you here with me.
(exhales) This is it, Valencia.
No.
I'm home.
This.
This is where I'm meant to be.
Hmm, you've never actually done this before.
Are you sure it'll be everything you want it to be? Correction, I have done it before.
In camp, in college, and in prison.
But those times were different, because I was doing it for fun not now.
- Now's real.
- Hmm.
And whatever this turns out to be, I think it can make me happy.
Truly happy.
But what if it doesn't? And I'm telling you from experience, sometimes the thing or person you think will make you happy doesn't.
Nah.
Hey, V.
Hey, Becks.
Hey, Josh, what are you doing here? Did I leave something at home? No, I just saw how excited you were about this, and it reminded me separately, of how much I loved doing theater tech.
So here I am! (chuckles) Again, like, separately.
Well, dude, that's awesome.
Oh.
Well, I got to go carry some cubes and paint a little house to make it look like a big house from a far distance.
Theater magic! (chuckles) - That's nice.
- TIM: Alas, poor Yorick! Uh, Rebecca? There's a mentally disturbed man in poofy shorts with chicken legs walking towards us.
Oh, dear.
That's Tim from MountainTop.
- Hi, Tim.
- Greetings, fair maidens.
Be it that "hereforeto" I am his royalty, the knightly prince.
Wait, these are just the auditions.
You already know you have the prince song? (chuckling): No, no, no, no, no, no.
But, uh (whispers): I'm gonna get it.
I get all the best parts at this theater.
(door opens) Ah! Here she comes.
Here comes Connie, our director.
She's the best.
You're gonna love her.
Hello, everyone.
- WOMAN: Hi, Connie.
- (others greet) And welcome to this gorgeous temple we call the theater.
Join me, won't you? As we hop on our magic carpets and fly into the glorious chasm that is the Elliot Ellison songbook.
He's won 14 Tonys, two Oscars, eight Emmys, eight Grammys, and one Kids' Choice award.
The children know.
They certainly do.
Now, to be fair to everyone, I'd like you all to sing the same song.
It's the beloved Elliot Ellison classic "Let Me Be in Your Show" from the seminal play Let Me Be in Your Show.
To the stage! (energetic piano playing) Let me be in your show I wanna be in your show The lights, the curtains, the applause From above and down below! Just like everyone knows No need to assume or suppose How fun it will be for you and me To be In this marvelous Show! - (piano ends song) - (panting) Singing: zero.
Commitment: a million.
CONNIE: Thank you, everyone.
Tim, once again, you are our bulwark.
Our stalwart.
Our Walmart.
We can always depend on you.
That's why the role of the prince goes to (trumpet fanfare plays) I'm sorry.
I-I was just tuning up.
Sorry to interrupt.
You! Halt! Approach.
Hey.
You, sir, must audition.
NATHANIEL: What? No, no.
I'm just here to drop off some legal papers for her.
No, no, but-but you must.
- You must, you see.
- REBECCA: No, no, no, no, no.
He does not want to audition.
Believe me, I mean, he's never even done theater.
That's not entirely true.
In high school, the theater director begged me, so in my sports off-season, I-I did a couple musicals.
Wait, what? Really? Who did you play? You know, I don't really remember, um I think I played Jesus a couple times, if that's even possible.
You played Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar and in Godspell? Guilty.
Please, sing! Sing anything! Okay, um A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I It is done.
You are our prince.
What say you, sir? Oh, word of warning, you will have to completely put your life on hold and spend every waking hour with these people here.
Okay.
I mean, I-I think, since we can all agree that I'm not the driving force here and that someone else is asking me to spend time here with all of you - Sure.
- What? No.
What? No.
We have our prince.
(chuckles) The rest of you, I will post your parts backstage in 15 minutes.
Glorious! (sighs, laughs) This is my space.
This is my time to shine.
If I'm not getting the prince, then I'd better get something good.
Wow, I am so, so happy about Cybil's case.
I can't believe you got her a new trial.
It's amazing.
And I can't believe you are doing a musical.
Yeah, well, I need hobbies.
I stopped shooting ducks 'cause of the whole good person thing, so I got a lot of free time.
It's time! (squeals) I'm squealing! Why am I squealing? Before you examine the list, just know that I gave you the song I felt best suited your skill as well as your essence.
I'll see you all tomorrow for rehearsal at 7:15 sharp.
Or 7:45, or whenever you get there.
(laughs) I'm bound to be late myself.
(laughs) So see you soon! (murmuring) What is it? What is it? What did I get? A character song? An unnecessary, forgettable, cuttable character song? VALENCIA: Oh, my God.
I got a song called "I'm the Bride of a Pirate King.
" (laughs) I'm gonna be a bride! Who needs my size? It's sample.
(groans) Okay.
Oh, my God! I got "Etta Mae's Lament.
" Oh, my God, that's, like, one of his most famous songs.
It's a classic comedy song.
Uh, Ethel Merman sang it, and then Gwen Verdon sang it in the revival, and then Bernadette Peters sang it in the second revival, and then Michelle Obama sang it on Glee.
- Oh - Wow, what an honor.
- Well, what's it about? - Oh, it's about a sad saloon girl in the Old West who just wants to find true love.
- Sounds a little old-fashioned.
- No! No, no.
It's great.
It's just It's a classic.
(chuckles) I really can't believe I got such a great song.
(laughs) (elevator bell dings) How was it? How was your interview? Wait, don't tell me.
It's too painful.
If you liked it better there, I will lose it.
(sniffles) Did you like it better there? Get a hold of yourself.
It was just my first interview.
- First? There'll be more? - Yes.
I was top of my class, I won awards, so, you know, a lot of firms reached out to me for jobs.
But, Paula, you have a job right here with us, forever.
You could be a lawyer here.
Everyone wants you.
Bert, Nathaniel, me most of all.
Okay, look, I-I appreciate that, but I have to see what the official offers are.
Oh.
Oh! I see what you want.
You want an official offer from us, too.
Well, that's how it works.
Right, yeah, okay.
I see the game you're playing.
(clicks tongue) No, I'm-I'm not playing a game.
No, I got it.
Copy that.
- That's just how it works, so - Okay.
Right.
Wink, wink.
I get you.
(whispering): Official offer.
GREG: So I was thinking for the soft opening we do three appetizer and entree options.
It's must more cost effective than doing a full menu.
Serrano! Chris, buddy! Look at you.
Wait, what are you doing here? Well, I was driving by and saw some people in here, so I thought I'd stop in.
- Wait, you drive? - I know, it's disturbing.
He was, like, ten years old five seconds ago.
So tall.
Oh, God, grown-ups are so weird.
Constantly commenting, "Oh, look at how tall you got.
" Yeah, I eat, I sleep, this is what happens.
Aw, I missed you, man.
Look at this place.
This looks cool.
Yeah, getting it ready for a soft opening in a couple weeks.
Oh, yeah, I looked at the calendar.
Turns out our opening is the same night as that super cool revue, so we might have to miss it.
I'm so sad.
I hate musical theater.
People are talking and then they just start singing, and it's always just, like, what? CHRIS: Yeah, so, Serrano, talk to me about your menu.
Ah, you might not like it.
It's not like the Italian chains.
It's authentic and homemade and doesn't come with fries.
Dude, I'll have you know, I'm the food critic for the Daily Covina.
All right, well, then you could try the lasagna, but I got to warn you, we put actual tomatoes in our tomato sauce.
Are they Roma or San Marzano? - They're actually - Wait! Don't tell me.
My taste buds will.
Okay, come on.
So, according to the Broadway message board on Quimblepop, the first step to learning a song for a musical is to memorize the lyrics as a monologue.
- Cool.
- It's so funny, I've been listening to this song since I was a kid, but I've never really studied the lyrics, you know? What a journey.
Huh.
- What's wrong? - It's just, uh, the-the-the lyrics are a little more, uh, retro than I remember.
Oh.
Is that a problem? No, no, no.
It's not.
I'm sure, once I rehearse it, it'll make sense.
Yeah.
(piano playing) Yeah.
(Southern accent): I'm the local lady of the evenin' And though I like My men and my booze I pray to above that I'll find true love But no one wants a lady who's used (chuckles) Oh, can someone Lasso me a husband? I'm nothin' without a husband The menfolk Give me a dollar and a smile But that don't lead to walkin' down the aisle Hey, cowboy, can you lasso me a husband? Though my lover count is over a dozen Yes, the kissin' is fun and the wine is sweet But what I really want at night is to rub - A farmer's feet - Yes.
Get me off of my back And standing up straight So I can be the type of lady That you're not ashamed to date Get me out of the cathouse And into the kitchen I'll wear white and pray to martyrs I'll trade in my guns and garters 'Cause there are only two types of women Me and virgins you commit to Can someone lasso me a husband? Why are you all bein' so stubbin'? (laughs) I'm angry and pleased and a little bit diseased But you can cure My ills with a husband.
Oh! (applause, cheering) Oh! Hilarious! REBECCA: I thought it stunk.
Okay, I get it.
You're maybe not the world's most flawless singer.
I-I can hook you up with lessons with Aunt Myrna.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's-it's-it's not that.
I mean, I know that I'm not a great singer, but All right, I know we shouldn't hold these classic songs up to our modern standards, but, God, this whole song is just so problematic.
You know? It plays right into the Madonna-whore complex and manages to say that a woman belongs in a kitchen.
Huh.
You know, in the musical this is from, Saloon Nights and Injun Fights - It's not actually called that.
- No, yeah, it is.
Anyway, the character who sings this song is a successful madam, all right, so she's a thriving businesswoman, but she says that she'd be willing to give it all up to be walked down the aisle? I mean, what-what kind of messaging is that? But beyond all of that the song just it's kind of dumb.
What if these classic musical theater songs that I've loved for so many years and kind of based my life on are bad? (piano playing) Sir, your Chateau Lamontaine.
Oh, the aught-one.
It's not every day someone orders a bottle of the Lamontaine.
We wanted to see who it was.
It's me.
Yes, I came in especially.
I'm not even working today.
- And what are you celebrating? - Well, hopefully the hiring of someone who already works for me.
Hmm.
- Oh! There she is.
- Oh.
Hi.
Whoa.
- It's a Lamontaine.
- Mm-hmm.
Wow.
I-I always look at that bottle on the menu and I wonder, "Who spends that much on wine?" (chuckles) But, seriously, we're gonna need separate checks.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
This is on me.
All of it.
The wine, the chevre, the tartare, the confit.
Okay, Darryl, what's happening? This is happening.
Is this my offer? I did the calligraphy myself, yes.
Oh, I wanted it to be special and fancy.
Those other firms I'm sure that they've got water fountains just spouting Lamontaine all over the place.
Um, well, okay.
Thank you.
Aw.
And I will compare it with the others that will come via e-mail.
(sighs) Can we just have a normal dinner now? Hmm.
Maybe not.
I got a whole porchetta.
Too much? REBECCA: "I'm the local lady of the evening.
"And though I like my men and my booze " Right, Connie said "booze" was the word to do the funniest.
Okay, "and I like my men and my booze.
" (groans) "I pray to above " (sighs) "I pray to above "that I'll find true love, but no one wants a lady who's used.
" Oh, God.
"I'm nothing without a husband.
"I'm nothing, I'm nothing without a husband.
I'm n " Who's telling her that, though? Is that her saying that's she's nothing without a husband? Huh.
(sharp inhale) (exhales slowly) (mouth full): "But I need mutual respect when I walk down the aisle.
This cowboy, can you lasso me a husband?" "Though my lover count is over " (mouth full): "I could be kiB"tcB"hen.
" Mm-hmm.
Mm, mm, mm.
Yeah.
Okay, that works.
Hey, guys.
Guess what.
- I have huge news.
- Did you talk to Beth? What? No.
Okay, so I was going over this song last night and I wasn't connecting with it and I was going over it and over it and over it.
Then I picked up a pencil and I started to make some notes.
And then I tweaked a few little lyrics.
And I got to say it's like night and day, it's so much better.
Wait, we're not allowed to rewrite the lyrics, are we? I mean, not that I would want to; mine's perfect.
I'm playing a bride.
Actually, your song is also super problematic.
We can talk about that later.
But, no, I didn't really rewrite anything, per Se, I just made little adjustments.
And, really, guys, it's so much better.
- I think Connie's gonna dig it.
- Are you sure? - I mean, she's pretty by the book.
- No.
When she sees these improvements I made, I really think she's gonna love it.
I hate it! Who the hell do you think you are? Elliot Ellison redefined musical theater, and-and oh, oh, oh, you're gonna redefine a redefinement? - Is that it? - (sad trumpet wah-wahs) This damn trumpet won't stay in tune.
Connie, listen, these are just little tweaks to make it a little more modern.
For instance, instead of singing, "But that don't lead to walking down the aisle," - Yeah? - I only sing, "But I need mutual respect when I walk down the aisle.
" It's just little tweaks.
I entrust you with the sacred words of an American musical theater genius and you-you, oh, y-you tweak them?! You will perform it (heavy exhale) as it 'twas written.
Or be banished from the company.
Tickety-tock goes the ticktock clock Round and round and round Every day while our age increases He's tickin' away Yes, the clock never ceases Tickety-tock goes the ticktock clock Tickety-tockety, clickety-clockety Weeks go by and we keep workin' Day after day while the clock's observin' Half past eight, quarter to three Time goes by For you and for me Tickety-tock goes the ticktock clock Round and round again.
JOSH: Hey, everyone.
Everyone, opening night.
Ten minutes until call.
Have a good show.
Hey, you doing okay? Eh.
Following your dream much? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess so.
Hey, I was wondering if you had a minute to sign this old playbill.
- Oh, my God.
- (laughs) This is the actual South Pacific program from Camp Canyon Grove? Look at that.
- Where did you get this? - I saved it this whole time.
Okay, actually, I bought it on eBay.
People sell, like, everything there.
But I thought it'd be a nice thing for you to sign.
(laughing): Really? Okay.
Oh, my God, this is so sweet.
Thank you.
You are really always there when I need someone.
- I guess I'll sign, like, right here? - JOSH: Awesome.
(indistinct chatter) Thanks.
- (exhales) - DARRYL: Oh.
- (chatting indistinctly) - Hi, hey, there.
- Hi.
- Hi, how are you? Um Oh, what's happening? I just want to let you know that I did get another offer.
Oh.
Okay, I see.
Well, thank you for letting me know.
And - was our offer competitive? - Well this is their opening bid.
Holy macaroni.
- Wow, that is, um, some major scratch.
- Yeah.
I know, I mean, money like that could mean so much to my family.
We could get out of debt, could pay off the house.
Tommy wants to go to college.
College.
I mean, our highest dream for him was, you know, like a six-week course in welding, so So, wait, so what are you saying? (sighs) I don't know if I'm gonna work with this exact firm, but it turns out that this is what I'm worth.
(chiming over P.
A.
) Okay, um - I'll see you in there.
- Yeah.
- All right? - (stifling sob): Mm-hmm.
Okay.
It's good to see you.
Thank you.
Good to see you.
(sharp inhale) All right, everyone.
Showtime, showtime! But, you know, break a leg.
Now, Rebecca.
I want you to remember to shimmy, shake, and smile, okay? I want to see both rows of teeth.
Top and bottom.
Where's my tea? Well, where is it?! (sighs) Check this out.
This, like, totally suits me.
(chuckles) Anyone seeing this won't be oblivious anymore.
- Right? - Uh-huh.
Okay.
(applause) When he came to my town Upon his ship He pillaged and plundered and looted "You're mine now," he said With a devilish grin "Submit, or be executed" Yet now that I'm his bride I feel nothing but warmth deep inside I love the Pirate King I sit on his lap And to him I sing - (mouthing) - He calls me his sparrow His lamb, his pet His rough pirate kisses I'll never forget He hits me but he don't mean no harm Those slaps are part of his Piratish charm Sometimes I say "Stop it," but deep down I know If I didn't like it I would have left long ago That pirate sounds like a dick.
I love the Pirate King He calls my name and it means One thing He's craving my touch Warm and deep He takes his pleasure Even when I'm asleep If I die at his hand It won't be a surprise 'Cause my love for the Pirate King Is true and pure And wise.
- (applause) - (whoops) Yeah.
(applause continues) You were great.
You know, if I were a pirate king, I'd kidnap you, too.
And would you marry me? Hmm.
I mean, I'd be a pirate king, so I just would do what I want.
You don't understand anything.
You don't even understand you're not supposed to come back here in the middle of a show.
You know, I think something's going on with us.
You're mad at me.
I can tell from the yelling and overt anger.
Wow.
Amazing.
You're not only a pirate king you're a genius.
(sighs) Oh, God, this next song is a total bummer.
It's one of the ones that just lifts right out.
(applause) Oh, hello there, folks.
I didn't see you there.
My name is not important, but there's something about me that you should know.
I'm an apple man I'm an apple man No other fruit can do quite what an apple can Toss me that apple, Stan 'Cause I'm an apple man They're marvelous in the morning They're lovely late at night They're delectable in the daytime An apple always tastes just right So you can keep your banana In your pineapple cabana I'd never be caught chomping on a kumquat Tell that to your friend Susannah From Tallahassee to Spokane Madagascar to Japan I'm sticking to my one-fruit plan 'Cause I'm a Gala, Red Delicious, Cortland, Fuji McIntosh, Granny Smith, Ambrosia Apple man.
(crunch sound) (cheering, applause) That is it, April.
I'm an apple man.
Paula is my apple, and I need to try new fruit but I can't, because I'm afraid of all the change at work.
Nathaniel came in and Karen left, and then Bert came in and Jim left.
And then he came back and then Rebecca left.
And through it all, Paula has been there, and that's why I'm so upset.
Y-You got all of that from "Apple Man"? Yes, of course.
But you didn't get it from the song, "Good Bosses and Friends Let Their Employees Soar Elsewhere If Need Be"? No, I, I didn't connect with that one.
(applause in distance) Hey.
You ready? I don't think I can sing this song.
I hate my song.
No, I hate everything about it.
I-I hate, I hate what it's about and what it says.
Come on, it's just one dumb song.
Who cares? No, you don't understand.
Loving these songs is a part of who I am.
I don't know, I just, I liked what I wrote, I like the changes that I made.
Then why not sing that version instead? I can't.
You heard Connie.
She hated that.
And I can't even believe that I did that.
I mean, God, I'm not a writer-performer.
I'm not Ike Barinholtz.
(whispers): Hey, Rebecca, you're on.
I don't know, I just wish that the audience could hear the lyrics that I wrote, but I, I can't go out there and sing them.
They should hear them.
And they will.
What? (applause) Hello, everybody, um, instead of singing the prince song, I'm actually gonna sing a different song with a few small changes made by a, uh, a brilliant friend of mine.
(piano playing) I'm the local lady of the evening And though I like my men and my booze - (laughs) - I pray to above That I'll find true love A man who won't say that I'm used - Oh, my God.
- Oh, can someone - Someone else is singing my song.
- Lasso me a husband? It would be nice to someday have a husband (whispers): Close the curtain.
Close the curtain.
(applause) Connie, listen - You're fired.
- What? Both of you, you're fired.
Now get out of my theater at once.
Well, big surprise, no one's coming.
No one in this god-awful town is coming here.
Will you just hold on a second? We don't even open for five minutes.
MAN: Table for two, please? Ah, we've got two.
Two people.
Big deal.
Hi.
Oh, you've got four.
- HEATHER: Hi.
- Hi, welcome.
Hi.
Yeah, you can sit there.
Um, Greg, there are, like, eight people here.
MAN: It's just like the old Serrano's.
Uh, ten top.
Incoming.
Kitchen, start your engines, these people are early.
Why don't you guys sit right there? MAN: Man, I have missed this place.
GREG: I cannot believe it.
If this were a real opening, we would've done huge numbers.
Mm-hmm.
It's like people actually like this place.
Dude, you don't get it.
They always did.
It's just, when your father ran this place, he was a drunk and a terrible businessman and he ran it into the ground.
No, this place failed because West Covina turned their back on this restaurant.
That's one of the reasons why I hated it here.
Yeah, that's not true.
You just wanted to find reasons to hate it because you hated yourself.
Trust me, I dated you.
It was not cute.
- Huh.
- I mean, the good news is, you used that hatred and, parenthetically, your horrible relationship with Rebecca, to get out of town and go to business school.
So maybe now you're ready for this town.
It's always been ready for you.
Wow.
I forgot how profound you are.
That is always a big mistake.
(chuckles) Huh.
Still got it.
Hey, West Covina Thought that I had to break free Well, it took me two years to shake off my fears And see that the problem was me Hey, West Covina We may not always agree But you're okay, West Covina Should I stay, West Covina? What do you say, West Covina? What'll it be? Hmm.
(applause) I am so sorry that I got you fired.
No, it's okay.
If I'm being honest I only did this to hang out with you.
Oh, wow.
Are you really surprised to hear that? Kind of? Nathaniel, what you just did meant a lot to me, really.
It was thrilling to hear my words out loud, even if it was a dumb idea.
I don't think it was dumb.
Really? Uh, we should, uh yeah.
I should no, I should get my stuff.
(exhales) (clears throat) Hey.
(sighs) You need to take one of those great offers, Paula.
- I know.
- It took one of the songs last night for me to realize that.
Was it the one called "Money Isn't Everything Unless It Gets Your Family Out Of Debt And Sends Your Kid To College"? No, I-I didn't vibe with that one.
(sighs): I, I shouldn't have tried to hold you here.
Just because you mean so much to me.
Ah, Darryl, come on.
We are friends.
Real friends, not "work friends.
" And we will be in each other's lives forever.
No matter where we get our paycheck.
Really? Hell, yeah.
Hey.
Thank you for coming.
Yeah.
I have something to tell you.
- Okay.
- (clears throat) I want to get married.
Everyone I grew up with is married.
I've planned a billion weddings for people who love each other a lot less than you and I do and aren't as attractive as we are.
I want this.
I want you to propose, Beth.
And if you don't, then I'm not going back to New York with you.
(door opens) (gasps) Hey.
What are you doing here? Well, since I missed your opening, I wanted to check the place out, and oh, my God.
Greg, this looks amazing.
(chuckles): Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm sorry I missed your theater thing.
- How was it? - Oh, it was terrible.
Yeah, uh, yeah, I got yelled at, I got called an idiot and then I got fired.
Wow.
That sucks.
Yeah, I mean, there were some good parts, there were actually some really good parts, but mostly, I, uh, - I got my dreams stomped on.
- Oh.
But enough about me.
Look at you.
Really.
You look so happy, you're, like, glowing.
I feel pretty good, actually, and I-I decided, um, I'm gonna stay in town and really open this place.
Try to make it work.
Wow.
You're choosing to stay in West Covina? - By choice? - Yes, and when I made that decision, I had to ask myself, was it because of you or because of this place? Because of me? Why because of me? Because I still care about you.
And maybe I did choose to do my thesis here to be near you, but now I really, I, I love this restaurant.
Good.
Well, good, good.
That is, that's good That's good.
That's great.
Wait, are you hungry? You got to try this lasagna.
I was using Roma, but Chris was right, the San Marzano was better, so I switched.
Just, hold on.
You're gonna love it.
(sighs): Oh.
(quietly): Oh, can someone Lasso me a husband? Damn it.