Empty Nest (1988) s04e14 Episode Script

Good morning, Barbie, Barb! No! No, what? No, whatever it is you want from me.
Barbara, don't you think it's possible that I could come down in the morning and be pleasant, just because I'm happy to see you and have no ulterior motive whatsoever? Nope! You're right.
Let me try another approach.
Please say yes, Barbara! Please, please, please! I'll never ask another thing from you for the rest of my life, please! That's better.
What do you want? I want your old boyfriend, Jerry duval.
Jerry duval.
Oh yeah, the surfer.
Oh, Barbara, I ran into him downtown, and he's changed.
He wears shirts now With buttons, and collars, and everything, and he's just perfect for me.
But you dated him first, so I couldn't go out with him, unless you say it's okay.
Okay.
That's it? You'd give him away just like that? Sure.
I used to be crazy about him, but it's over.
I hope you two will be real happy together.
All right, what's wrong with him? Nothing.
Carol, he's a great guy.
If you want to date him, date him.
I don't care.
Oh, thank you, Barbara, my wonderful, inscrutable sister.
Carol, it is no big deal.
If I decide I want a boyfriend, I can go out and get another one.
Thanks for reminding me.
I'm going to go call Jerry and tell him yes about tonight.
Have a good time.
What's that supposed to mean? He's gay, isn't he? Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all As life goes on we share it all As life goes on ha, ha, ha, ha.
Stop it, lurlene! You're killin' me! Ha, ha! Uh-huh, back at you! Ha, ha, ha! Oh, lordy! Well, pretty good joke, huh? That was just one of them crazy stories from back home.
You've heard me talk about tater Norton.
Ah, yes, the illustrious tater Norton.
How is he? A big nut, just like always.
But now, last week, tater's daughter got married.
Oh, yeah? What's her name? Succotash? Jane, but folks just call her June bug for short.
Tater's daughter, June bug, huh? Anyway, she had this weddin', and it was just pure "d" hickory.
Yeah, a real hickory wedding, huh? When she come down the aisle, the organist played Dixie.
Dixie.
Dixie.
How many possums in the bride's dowry? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Was it a single or a double-barrel ceremony? Ha, ha, ha.
Well, twist the dag-gum knife.
I'm sorry.
Is something wrong? Oh, no, nothin's wrong, except that in one breath, you have managed to insult me, hickory, the tater Norton family, and the entire south.
Laverne, I never said no need to explain, doctor.
I understand the situation perfectly.
I was under the impression that we was equals here, each allowed our small regional differences with no judgment being passed.
But I can see now that I's as wrong as a hog in a I was mistaken.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have tongue depressors to stack.
Come on, wait, wait, Laverne.
I did not insult the entire south.
I live in the south.
Where do you think Florida is? Carpetbagger.
S-t-y-l-u-s.
Stylus.
Heh! Your turn, Carol.
Carol? Honey, are you okay? Well, actually, I'm feeling a slight malaise! We're home! Oh, how was that thing at the civic center? It was great.
Yes, pretty much what they promised.
A lot of trucks with really big tires.
Hi, Barbara.
It's been a long time.
Sure has.
How have you been? Not bad.
How about yourself? Good.
Daddy, you remember Jerry duval.
Oh, yes, Jerry duval! Yeah, the surfer! You used to date, uh, Barbara.
But that's all in the past.
He's traded in his wetsuit for a business suit.
He's Jerry the financial planner now, and he's dating me.
He has a car phone.
Oh, boy, that's real nice for you.
I've got a great dessert I've been experimenting with, just give me five minutes.
I was always crazy about this dog.
Boy, Dr.
Weston, I haven't seen sarge in a long time.
Neither have I.
Jerry, please have a seat.
Can I get you something to drink? - Oh, nothing, thanks.
- Okay.
- Or maybe some coffee.
- Coffee it is.
No, make that tea.
I'm sorry, coffee.
Coffee's good.
I'll put some on.
Carol tells me you ran into each other downtown.
Yeah, we go to the same skin counselor.
So, what do you think of Jerry, daddy? Do you like him? Oh, he seems to have shaped up pretty nicely.
But the important question is, do you like him? Oh, yes, daddy.
I really do.
And he's so bright, and cultured, and aware.
It's hard to believe he ever went out with Barbara.
Maybe he just has a thing for the Weston women.
- Jerry, we can't do this! - You're right.
No! I mean, we really can't do this.
I told Carol it was over between us.
I thought it was! I thought it was, too.
I guess we were wrong.
No, Jerry.
I can't do this to Carol.
We've never dated each other's boyfriends.
It's kind of a rule.
I mean, usually it's not a problem, because I don't go out with geeks.
But but what if I was attracted to Carol, because subconsciously she reminded me of you? What if it was really you I loved all along, but I was living in a state of denial? I don't know.
When you say things like that, it makes me think you should be dating Carol.
Two more minutes! Oh, Jerry.
Jerry, no! We can't do this.
Barbara, Barbara.
What? Look, do you still have feelings for me? Well, I didn't think I did, but - Do you? - Yes, but Jerry I'm having lunch with Carol, tomorrow.
I'll break it off then.
Then, can we see each other? After you break it off with Carol.
Done.
- Okay - "I love you.
" I hope decaf coffee is okay.
Carol won't let me have high octane after 5:00.
Now, daddy, be nice to Mr.
prostate, and he'll be nice to you.
Uh, coffee, Barbara? No.
I'm gonna go to bed.
- So early? - Yeah, tough day.
Goodnight.
Barbara, wait a minute.
Barbara, thank you for giving me Jerry.
Ah, what's the matter with me, dreyf? I never wake up in the middle of the night.
Of course, I never go to bed at 8:00, either.
I usually haven't been kissing Carol's boyfriend.
What are you doing up so late? - Can't sleep.
- Yeah? Weird, usually it's Carol that has those nightmares about being chased by knackwurst.
Charley, I have a problem.
Oh, boy.
Normally, you'd be the last person in the world I'd go to for advice.
And don't think I don't appreciate it.
But this is something I can't talk to daddy about.
It's too weird.
I feel too sleazy.
Weird? Sleazy? Talk to me, babe.
You see, Carol's dating this guy.
Okay, there's the weird part.
Now, let's cut to the sleazy.
Charley, will you shut up a minute and listen? That's better.
You see, Carol's going out with this guy that I used to go out with, and I told her it was okay, but now I think that maybe he and I still have feelings for each other.
Is that terrible? You're going to is sneak around and see your sister's boyfriend behind her back? Ah, I love it.
No, Charley, that's not the way it is.
You see, he wants to break up with her, and then he and I will just happen to start seeing each other again.
That's not so bad, is it? Not at all.
If I was in your place, I'd do exactly the same thing.
Oh, my god! Good morning, Laverne.
Doctor.
Sorry I'm late.
It's your office.
I see you're still not speaking to me.
Don't be ridiculous, doctor.
That might interfere with my ability to perform the duties for which I was hired.
All right.
Wait a minute.
What happened to your accent? What accent? Your accent.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You do, too.
You have a Southern accent.
Now, what did you do with it? As you can hear, doctor, I have no accent.
Well, you used to.
I remember distinctly.
Perhaps that was simply another figment of your bigoted imagination.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I know you have, you have tongue depressors to stack.
No, I have to ring up the apothecary and fill this prescription.
Is Carol back from getting dumped yet? Not yet.
Good, then I didn't miss anything.
Charley, don't touch those.
They're for Carol.
She's going to come home all depressed, and then she's going to stuff her face with all this junk food, and then she going to lapse into a sort of starch coma.
- Hi, everyone.
- Hi.
Oh, junk food.
Thank god.
Oh, what a day I've had.
That rat! What? What a cad.
Oh, come on, Carol.
You don't have to put up a brave front for us.
We're family.
Yeah, we're on your side.
You can tell us if Jerry gave you the old ditch-a-roony.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I had lunch with Jerry just today, and I can assure you, he most certainly did not give me the old ditch-a-roony.
Are you sure? Barbara, at this point in my life, I can sense when I'm being dumped.
Sometimes I can sense it even when I'm not.
Wait a minute, I Are you sure he didn't dump you? Yes.
Anyway, what makes Why you little Indian giver.
Forgive me.
That was insensitive to our native American brethren and sistren.
- Carol! - I get it.
You were hoping Jerry would dump me, because you want him back.
I knew I couldn't trust you! Cat fight, cat fight.
What happened to, "if I want another boyfriend, I can always go out and get one"? But now that Jerry's in love with me, you can't stand it.
Well, tough luck, Barbara, because Jerry is not dumping me! Oh yeah, what makes you think so? I know so! You see this? Jerry gave me this at lunch today, and he told me that he loves me.
So, there! To Carol, all my love forever, Jerry.
That sleaze bag! Nah nahnah nah-nah! How does it feel, Barbara? How does it feel to be the rejected sister? Ooh, I love the way that sounds on you.
Re-jected! Re-jected! He's a stinky, slimy, scum-sucking, little rat! Why? Because he rejected you? He didn't reject me! He told me he loved me, and he was going to dump you at lunch today.
Oh, really, Barbara.
You're going to have to come up with something a little better I'm sorry, Carol, but he was supposed to tell you.
Oh, my god.
This does have a certain ring of truth.
My colon just spasmed.
Barbara, how could you steal my boyfriend? Don't yell at me! He was my boyfriend first! Hey, come on, you two.
Let it go.
The guy's no good.
Now you both know it.
The idiot makes a point.
Thanks.
Anyway, it's not like Jerry and I were married or anything.
I haven't thought about him for years until last night.
I guess I can't really blame you, Barbara.
Who wants a rat like that, anyway? Not me! And yet here we are, sisters at each other's throats.
Do you know who we should be mad at? - The guy! - The guy! Ooh, oh, I've got a better one.
The perfect revenge.
We go to Jerry's house, and we burn every one of his left shoes.
Why don't we just beat him up? Too obvious.
No, I've got it, I've got it.
We tie him to a chair, and we force him to watch the dubbed version of cinema paradiso.
Why don't we just beat him up? No, no, no, I've got it, I've got it.
We sneak into his house, and we force-feed him egg yolk until his cholesterol is way beyond the high normal range! Why don't we just beat him up? Our revenge has to be perfect.
It needs to be something that preys upon his most deep-seated fear.
Carol, we've been through this.
We can't castrate him.
No, Barbara.
I'm talking about something far more heinous and frightening to him: Commitment.
What? We going to hold him at gunpoint and make him go steady? Even better, we get him over here under false pretenses, confront him, and then we force him to choose between us.
Well, what good is that going to do? Then after he chooses, the chosen sister dumps him! - Ha! - Okay.
But what if he doesn't choose? Then we just beat him up! You wanted to see me, doctor? Uh, yes.
Laverne, I, uh, I wanted to clear up this problem we've been having.
You're right, doctor.
I don't think I can go on like this anymore.
Oh, well, what are you talking about? I'm talking I'm talkin' about how I can't keep talkin' without my accent anymore.
It's killin' me! Woo, that felt good! Laverne, nobody wanted you to talk without your accent.
- That was your idea.
- Maybe.
But you're the one that wanted me to deny my ancestral heritage, and the accent just goes along with it.
I never said I wanted you to deny your ancestral heritage.
Well You're the one what thinks all southerners are stupid and go around barefoot, and huntin' possums, and having sex with their underage relatives.
I beg your pardon.
I do not! Well, you do, too.
You just think all them things.
You never thought them all at the same time like that before.
Laverne, I can't believe you think I, I have those prejudices.
Come on, we kid around here all the time, and sometimes, when you're kidding around, you cross a line.
If you were offended, I, I promise you it was totally, totally, unintentional.
Well I guess I am a little over-sensitive.
But when people hear this accent, they start treatin' me like I'm some kind of inbred moron.
Well, doctor, we southerners may talk a little different Okay, in my case, real different.
We may have funny nicknames, and some of us may enjoy the design statement of a car up on cement blocks.
But that don't mean we ain't civilized human beings, with the same hopes and fears as anybody else! If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, will we not die? William Shakespeare, the merchant of venice.
No, tater Norton, the turnip farmer of hickory.
Just kiddin'.
But anyway, just 'cause tater grows turnips don't mean we all do.
Hickory's got a lawyer, and a banker, and a doctor, five cable guys.
- I never said it didn't.
- Well, okay then.
See that you don't.
Woo, I feel a lot better.
I guess I been totin' that emotional baggage around for a month of Sundays.
Well, I'm glad we talked this through.
I was afraid you were going to come in here and, you know, resign.
Now, doctor, you know I'd never do that.
After all, somebody's got to educate you uppity Yankees.
Oh, Jerry, I'm so glad you could make it tonight.
- Mm, where's Carol? - Who cares? You broke up with her.
Now you're all mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! We didn't plan that.
She's improvising, the little sneak.
Hello, it's me, Carol! Anybody home? Jerry, Barbara.
Oh, my god! Carol, I can explain.
Yes, Carol.
You see, once Jerry broke up with you, he discovered it was me he loved all along.
Listen, Barbara, about that but Jerry didn't break up with me.
He told me that he loves me.
- Oh! - Jerry, say it isn't so.
- Well - You lied to us.
No, I never lied to you, Carol.
When I told you I loved you, I meant it.
And, Barbara, when I told you I loved you, and I was breaking up with Carol, well, I meant that too, at the time.
What are you saying? Hey, I'm crazy about you two.
Barbara, when I'm with you, there's nobody else.
I love your energy, your sense of fun, your body.
And I feel the same way about you, Carol.
I loved your intelligence, your insight.
And my body, do you like my body? Let it go, Carol.
You see, Jerry, the point is, you can't have us both.
So you're ing to have to choose, Carol or me? I never meant to cause problems between the two of you.
Don't worry, Jerry.
The love between two sisters is stronger than that of any man.
- Now choose.
- Okay, then.
I choose Carol, no, Barbara, no, Carol.
Carol? Carol.
He picked me! He picked me! Carol? What? - You know.
- Do I have to? You're right.
Look, buddy.
Barbara and I are sisters with a capital "s", and I would never date someone who treated my sister Barbara the way you treated me, Barbara's sister, Carol, and vice versa.
Now, I'm sorry to have to hurt you like this, but it's over.
I can't see you anymore.
Darn.
Barbara? Get real.
Goodbye, Jerry.
Okay, but I still think we could've worked something out.
Hey, who's this? It's our grandmother Nana Weston.
- Cute.
- Out! Well, guess we showed him.
- Sure did.
- He sure was devastated.
Sure was.
Well, actually, he didn't seem so much devastated.
It was more like he - Wasn't fazed at all! - Exactly.
Let's go beat him up! Wait a second, Barbara.
Who cares? Who cares? Something wonderful has happened here.
After years of bickering, we finally stuck together, like sisters.
- Yeah, weird.
- Oh, Barbara.
Remember when we were little, we used to watch white Christmas every year on TV, and then for days, we'd act out that one song? Sisters sisters there were never such devoted sisters Oh, Barbara, let's do it again, with all of the steps, just like we used to! It'll be a bonding thing! I'll be Vera Ellen, and you can be Rosemary Clooney.
Why do I have to be Rosemary Clooney? Well, I don't know, Barbara.
Maybe you just seem more the type to wind up doing toilet paper commercials.
I ought to slug you.
Okay, okay, you can be Vera Ellen.
A five a six a five six seven eight Sisters - sisters both: there were never such devoted sisters Many men have tried to split us up But no one can lord help the mister Who comes between me and my sister Both: and lord help the sister Who comes between me and my man A five a six a five six seven eight Sisters - sisters both: there were never such devoted sisters Many men have tried to split us up But no one can lord help the sister who comes between me and my mister Both: and lord help the sister Who comes between me and my man - I'm sorry! - Aah, Carol!