Everybody Loves Raymond s04e14 Episode Script

- Give it to me! - Stop it, it's mine! Everybody, that's enough.
We're going to church.
All right, here, turn that off.
How come Daddy never has to go to church? I don't know, why don't you ask Daddy? Daddy has to work, honey.
See? He's eating his business lunch.
I am working.
There's a big game on today.
I thought it didn't start until 1:00.
Okay, yeah, but there's a pregame.
Look, I don't tell you how to do your job, right? All right, everybody, let's go.
Church time, chop-chop.
You usually hide upstairs until we leave.
A little more brazen in your blasphemy.
Don't tell him how to do his job.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, I don't know why God put church and football at the same time.
As a matter of fact, bring that up today! Wait up, wait up, kids.
Unwashed, unshaven, scratching himself.
All my love, all my caring I poured my heart into this boy.
This is my one regret as a parent.
I'm the one going to church! Oh, did you do that yourself? They're coming! Hey, Ray.
Hey, Debra, look at this.
- What? - You're in jail.
Going on 10 years now.
Honey, show Daddy your picture.
Oh, did you draw this? That's beautiful.
You're quite the little artist.
- Tell Daddy what it is.
- No no no, let me guess.
Uh, that's a big orange wall.
- It's fire.
- Fire, yes, of course, it's fire.
It's a big wall of fire, and that must be the fireman.
Actually, Ally told me it's a picture of hell.
You mean heck, right? Right, Ally? So is that the devil? Nope, it's you.
Me? L-I I'm Why am I in heck, sweetie? Because that's what Grandpa said.
Grandpa said that? Grandpa told you that I'm going to heck? He said hell.
Really? Why did Grandpa say that? 'Cause you don't go to church.
Grandpa said that? Where were you? I was in church.
Okay, I'm gonna go across the street, 'cause if I'm going to go to heck, I'm taking him with me.
- Marie! - Go ahead, Frank.
She is good for something.
Mmm.
All right, Dad.
- Why did you tell Ally - You want some cake? - No.
- Good.
See this picture, Dad? It's a picture of me in hell.
My seven-year-old daughter drew it because her grandpa told her that's where her father's going to hell! What kind of a mind does that?! Mmm, this cake almost makes marriage bearable.
Hey! Why did you tell her that? I never told her you were going there.
She asked me what happens to people who don't go to church.
I said, "They go to hell, sweetie.
" She must have put two and two together.
Smart kid.
Go over there right now and tell her that I'm not going to hell! You know, I would love to, but I don't make the rules.
Oh, you know what? Whipped cream! Hey, you really think that I'm going to hell? I try not to think about it.
I don't care what you think, all right? I don't want you talking to my kids about this anymore.
- You got that? - Since when do you give me orders? Since you crossed over the line! Hi Raymond, you hungry? Have some cake.
I don't want any cake! We have whipped cream.
How about this, Marie? Your son doesn't want me talking to my own grandchildren.
- Oh? - That isn't what I said.
I'll talk to anyone I want any time I want.
Unfortunately, Raymond, this is America.
- Mom, I don't want him telling - Hey hey hey, what are you doing? - Are you talking to my wife? - What? Don't talk to my wife.
All right, all right, Dad, don't be cute.
Hey hey hey hey, you wanna be like that? You don't talk to her.
Only I talk to her! Hello, sweetheart, how are you? Oh, I'm fine, but I have a thing with my Oh, stop it, Mom! He doesn't care how you are! Hey! You're talking to her.
Stop talking to her.
No, it's all right, Frank.
He can talk to me.
Unless you wanna talk to me some more.
I liked it.
I was just making a point.
Dad told Ally that I am going to hell.
Frank! He never goes to Mass, Marie! - It's an open-and-shut case.
- You see, Ma? You should go to Mass, Raymond.
I don't wanna go! Why do you hurt me? Look, I don't mean to hurt you, Ma.
Stop hurting your mother! Go to church! - No! - Ooh, ooh.
Look what you're doing to her! Go to church! No no! I don't feel like it.
"I don't feel like it.
" That's the problem with you kids today.
Everything has to feel good.
Do you think World War II felt good? You think Korea felt good? In my day, nothing felt good! Why don't you go back to your day and stop ruining mine?! down the toilet.
Go to church! Frank, you can't just scream at someone to go to church.
hasn't worked.
I need more time.
Look, I all I'm saying is, from now on, if Ally asks you something about religious stuff, or government, or minorities, please refer her to me! How do you think I feel? It's embarrassing.
I'm in church, people are saying, "How come Ray is never here? Didn't you raise him right?" - They say that? - Shut up.
Look, I'm not going just to make you look good.
- Go to church! - No! Then thou art doomed to suffer the fires of eternal damnation! See, now, I would never scream at you like that, Raymond, because I know that your failures are my fault.
That's right, the whole thing.
You married a man.
Yeah, but don't worry.
I'll be burning it off in hell.
- Okay, I'm going up.
- Okay.
I kind of understand how your father feels.
- Okay, good night.
- No, Ray, wait wait wait.
You still consider yourself Catholic? What are you talking about? Yeah, I'm Catholic.
You can't change that.
It's like being Italian, or, or sexy.
So why don't you go to mass? Come on, look, it's not like I never go, right? And you go all the time, and according to this married thing, we are one.
Okay.
I'm not trying to make a big thing.
I was just thinking about you and your father, and why you got so angry about it.
Because it's none of his business! Why don't you go to church? I don't know.
It's because of the kneeling, really.
It's just you know I have bad knees.
You know, God can hear you right now.
Let me finish.
All right? That's not the only reason, that's one of them.
All right, listen, when I go there, I should be thinking about God, right? Instead, I'm thinking about some column I'm working on, "What's up with this guy's scalp?" "Oh, that lady sneezed, I'm not shaking her hand.
" I'm not focused.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions, and that's not respectful, right? Yeah, you're right.
You shouldn't go if you're just going through the motions.
What are you doing? What? I'm agreeing with you.
No, you're trying to make me feel guilty.
- No, I'm not.
- You're just like my mother.
Why do you have to insult me? We're talking.
Besides, you're the one that had to eat a whole pint of ice cream.
If you're feeling guilty, it's not because of me.
Let me tell you something.
I practice being a good person every day.
Okay? I'm a decent fellow.
I do good things.
I always leave a big tip.
If a squirrel runs in front of the car, do I not swerve? I'm considerate of people's feelings.
Remember the plumber who came over with the big eye? I treated him like a completely normal person.
Okay? So so so why do I have to go to church every Sunday to prove my goodness? I'm living it! Well, since you are so good during the week, maybe on Sundays we should have everybody come over here and sit around you.
Okay, all right.
Why do you go, Miss Holy Moly? - Why do I go? - Yeah.
I go you know, to thank God for you and the kids, and to pray for the strength to get through another week with you and the kids.
Okay, all right.
No no, really.
I go to get re-energized, to be part of something that's bigger than me and my little problems.
It reminds me that I'm not the be-all and end-all.
There's something out there that's greater than me.
Why do you have to have an answer for everything? And you know what else? I like the feeling of community, the tradition.
And I think that's what's bugging your father.
He wanted to pass his faith onto you.
It's probably the only valuable thing that he thinks he can give you, and you've rejected it.
Okay, I need more ice cream.
You know, a lot of people would have made fun of that plumber, okay? Big Muppet-eye guy.
Hey, you working the church carnival next weekend? Yeah, my wife signed me up for the dunking booth again.
She loves seeing me wet.
Hey, Ray is here! And also with you.
What are you doing here? Nothing, going to church.
How come? I just felt like it.
Yeah, well, we don't need you part-timers dropping by whenever you feel like it.
Screws up the parking.
I'm thinking of making this - a regular thing.
- Yeah, right.
No, I'm serious.
You wanna come every Sunday? Do they have it every Sunday? Yeah, every Sunday.
Yeah, until your mother's guilt wears off.
No no, it wasn't her.
Look, you wanna know the truth? It was you.
I wanna set an example for my kids.
You know, like you did.
What are you, being a wise guy? No, I mean it.
Oh yeah? Yeah.
Look at you.
Us Barones, we clean up pretty good, eh? Hey, it's the Offertory, people, where are my ushers? Let's go, let's go.
Get the lead out.
Come on, come on, go go go go go! Father Hubley, good news.
Raymond my son is coming back to the church.
Really? Every Sunday.
Welcome back, Raymond.
Frank, are you waiting for an engraved invitation? Come on.
Well well well, the prodigal son returns.
Of course, no one applauds the faithful son, because the faithful son never leaves.
The faithful son has nowhere to go.
So what's your angle, Raymond? Nothing.
I was thinking about Dad Oh, you're coming back because of Dad? Yeah.
Every Sunday, that's right.
You're gonna sit in the pews and be with the family? Hey, if Dad can do it, I can do it.
Yeah.
What? - Dad doesn't do it.
- What do you mean? I do it.
Mom, Debra, the kids do it.
Dad, he's an usher.
- So? - So that means he spends most of his time out here, not in there.
Back here he doesn't have to listen to all the as he puts it mumbo-jumbo.
Blessed are You, Lord, God of all creation.
That's right, Ray.
Oh yeah, occasionally he'll go down the aisle with the collection basket, wink at the pretty ladies, then he hustles back to count the money and clocks out.
It's a beautiful setup.
Mom can't get on his case for not going to mass.
He's here every Sunday serving the Lord.
He's just doing it from the first-class lounge.
Oh my God.
Debra told me this was the best part of him.
Ah well I knew there was no best part of him.
Oh, and I just promised, in front of God and everybody All right, boys, count 'em up.
Hey, Frank, get a load of Rosa and Kelly today? With the low-cut thing? I almost gave her a dollar.
Praise the Lord! Looks like I'm ahead here, boys.
Ooh, look at this, a $50 bill.
Someone did something to somebody! Hold it, hold it.
This is it? This is what you do - every Sunday? - What? This, this, laughing and talking about women and betting on who collected the most money? Isn't this where Jesus is supposed to come in and turn this table over? Since when did you start wearing sandals? You're so full of it, Dad, you know? Acting all high and mighty, telling me I'm gonna burn in you-know-where.
This is what you want to pass on to me? Your little sportsmen's lodge? Forget it, I'm not going to church, okay? 'Cause I don't need your hypocrisy.
- Hypocrisy! - Oh, hypocrisy! Who are you to judge? There's no hypocrisy.
I made a commitment to the Lord, and I'm here every Sunday helping.
You want to break your commitment to your family, to Father Hubley and to God, go right ahead.
Don't worry, it's a dry heat.
Fine, all right.
I'm not gonna break my commitment.
I said I'm coming every week, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Not only that, I would like to volunteer to be an usher.
- What? - I wanna be an usher.
Come on, Dad.
That would be great.
You and me, we could usher together.
You wanna be an usher like your old man? What? What? What's so funny? You know how long the waiting list is? It took me 20 years to become an usher! Oh, well, I could be a fill-in guy, for when somebody gets sick.
You don't look so good.
Sorry, kid, I promised that to your brother.
Oh, I hate that guy.
Look, you've already missed half the mass here.
Come on, you'd better get back in there if you want this one to count.
- All right, but - Hey, look, I got a lot of work to do here, son.
Go and join your family.
All right, I'm here.
Anybody watch the Knicks game last night? - Yeah! - It was great.
- What? - Nothing.
This is nice.
Wa-wa-wa-wa.
Raymond.
Peace be with you.