Get Smart (1965) s04e14 Episode Script

( rings ) Hello.
Operator: Mr.
Maxwell Smart, please.
- Long distance calling.
- I'm drenched.
I have a call from Mrs.
Smart for Mr.
Smart.
Is he there, Mr.
Drenched? No, my name isn't-- Mrs.
Smart, did you say? - That is correct.
- Yes, I'll accept the call.
Please deposit $4.
75.
Right, operator.
( coins dropping loudly ) - 99.
- Hello, Max.
How are you? Gee, I'm sure glad to hear your voice.
Sorry, your time is up.
Look, 99, why don't you call me right back and reverse the charges? - Right, Max.
- ( doorbell rings ) - Who is it? Spiffy Vacuum Cleaner man.
I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in a vacuum cleaner.
Spiffy cleans in a jiffy.
Good for Spiffy.
I'm still not interested.
Look, I'm very busy.
I'm expecting a long distance phone call.
- ( telephone ringing ) - There it is now.
Excuse me.
- Hello.
- Operator: Mr.
Drenched, I have a collect call from Mrs.
Smart for Mr.
Smart.
- I'll accept it.
- Go ahead, please.
Oh, hello, Max.
I miss you so much.
I miss you too.
How's the assignment coming? Pretty well.
I should have it wrapped up in two or three days.
Good.
I can't wait for you to get home.
Things aren't the same around here without you.
Aw, have you been taking care of yourself, Max? - Have you been eating a good breakfast? - Don't worry, 99.
Every morning when I get up, I go down to the lunchroom on the corner, have breakfast and then I run right back to the apartment.
Oh, Max, you shouldn't eat there.
The food is terrible.
Why do you think I run right back to the apartment? Max, I don't want you to eat there anymore.
If you don't feel like cooking for yourself, why not just go to the supermarket and get some TV dinners? I did, 99, but they canceled all my favorites.
Max, I'm late for a contact.
You take better care of yourself.
I'll call again tomorrow.
- Goodbye, sweetheart.
( kisses ) - Bye-bye, love.
( kisses ) ( doorbell ringing ) - Who is it? - Man: Spiffy Vacuum Cleaner man.
I already told you I'm not interested in buying a vacuum cleaner.
Sir, just let me show you the quality of the hose.
I really appreciate this.
You're the first person who even let me in the door.
Yes well, that's all very well and good.
Nevertheless, I have no need for a vacuum cleaner, - so you're just wasting your time.
- It's okay.
When I go back to the office, I have to tell them I had a demonstration.
All right, go ahead.
Demonstrate it.
- Just take a second.
- You're wasting your time.
I'm telling you I don't need a vacuum cleaner.
Wait'll you see it.
You'll appreciate it.
- Is that dirt? - Yes, it is, but it's clean.
It's the first time I used it all day.
I certainly hope this thing can pick all that junk you just threw all over my new rug.
You're not gonna believe when you hear this machine.
- ( silent ) - Huh? How about that motor? - You can hardly hear it.
- I can't hear it at all.
That's because it's not running.
There's a short.
I'll get the-- I have another one, sir, in my car, a new demonstrator.
- Let me get that.
- Don't bother.
- I'll use my own vacuum, clean it up.
- No, don't do that.
That dirt won't come up in your vacuum cleaner.
This is a special kind of dirt.
It'll only work in a Spiffy.
Don't panic.
I'll be right back.
Spiffy in a jiffy.
( hissing ) Gas.
( coughing ) ( theme music playing ) Chief, you'll never believe what just happened to me.
I was gassed by a phony vacuum-cleaner salesman.
And when I came to, my whole apartment had been completely ransacked.
- They're early.
- Who's early? KAOS-- they're looking for Dr.
Canyon.
- Who's Dr.
Canyon? - A KAOS scientist who's invented a formula for invisibility.
Invisibility? Dr.
Canyon defected to this country and has offered to turn the secret over to CONTROL.
- What secret? - The secret of invisibility, Max.
Oh, that secret.
Then that's why they searched my apartment.
- Chief? - Yeah? Why did they search my apartment? Max, this is too vital to discuss on the phone.
I couldn't agree more, Chief.
- Come down here as soon as you can.
- I'm leaving now, Chief.
- And I'll fill you in.
- On what? - Max! - I'm leaving right away, Chief.
- Is there anything I can bring you? - No, thanks, Max.
I've already got it.
Dr.
Canyon's formula for invisibility's really quite simple.
All objects reflect or refract light waves.
The formula changes the absorption ratio so the optic nerve is unable to transmit light impulses to the cerebellum, thus rendering anything it touches imperceptible.
That's easy for you to say.
Max, in other words, it has the ability to cloud men's minds.
Hey, Chief, that'd come in very handy during an election.
It comes in handy right now, Max.
There's something I haven't told you yet.
Brace yourself.
KAOS has stolen the Ginsburg papers.
- Chief.
- Yes? Someone's been putting gum under your desk.
Max, didn't you hear what I said? The Ginsburg papers have been stolen.
You know how valuable they are to our government.
I know.
If those papers fall into the wrong hands-- Max, they are in the wrong hands, - and we've got to get them back.
- How are we gonna do that? Who is the one person who could penetrate KAOS headquarters, get the Ginsburg papers and slip out without being noticed? - ( slaps table ) The vice president.
- Wrong.
Dr.
Canyon.
Of course, Dr.
Canyon.
He could make himself invisible and walk right into KAOS headquarters.
There's only one danger: The formula wears off with very little warning.
If that should happen while he's in there, they'll kill him.
That's the chance we'll have to take, Chief.
I'd rather risk one of our own agents, but until the formula's perfected, Dr.
Canyon won't let anyone else use it.
- When does Dr.
Canyon get here? - He arrived tonight by boat.
You're to meet him at the Golden Frigate Cafe.
- What does he look like? - We don't know.
We don't have a picture of Dr.
Canyon in our files.
But you go to the cafe and he'll contact you.
Now remember, Max, your job is to protect him from KAOS until complete security arrangements can be made.
I'll hide him at my apartment.
KAOS has already searched there.
Good thinking, Max.
Oh, one more thing-- this case is a code Z.
That means you can't discuss it with anyone, not even 99.
- Right, Chief.
- Now, Max, I want you to be very careful.
KAOS will stop at nothing to get at the doctor.
Don't worry, Chief.
They're dealing with a thoroughly experienced, highly-trained, alert and perceptive agent, one who doesn't overlook the minutest detail.
Chief, what was that place that I was supposed to meet him at? ( acid rock playing ) Hello, Chief? Max.
Something's gone wrong.
I've been here for over two hours and no sign of Dr.
Canyon yet.
Invisible, eh? All right, Chief, I'll keep my eyes open.
Wait a minute, Chief.
The door just opened and closed by itself.
I think Dr.
Canyon just came in, or went out.
I can't talk anymore, Chief.
Canyon's here.
And you're right.
He's invisible.
Don't worry, Chief.
He's in good hands.
Dr.
Canyon.
Maxwell Smart Secret Agent 86 of CONTROL.
We've got to be very careful.
Here's the-- Don't worry, Dr.
Canyon.
It's waterproof.
Don't move, Dr.
Canyon.
Two KAOS agents just came in.
We've gotta get out of here.
Follow me.
And try not to be conspicuous.
Now the front door is blocked.
So we'll have to escape through the window of the men's room.
Woman's voice: I'm afraid we'll have to think of another way out, Mr.
Smart.
Come in now.
All right, now I don't want you to go near any windows.
Don't open the door for anybody, and above all, keep your voice down.
I'm a married man, and it'd be pretty hard to explain to the neighbors what a woman is doing in my apartment while my wife is away.
Have you got that? ( knock on door ) Shh.
We may have been followed.
- Who is it? - Dr.
Canyon.
I'm going to bed now, Doctor.
If you need any more blankets, you'll find 'em in the closet.
I'll see you in the morning.
Better make that, "I'll talk to you in the morning.
" ( sighs ) Am I tired.
- ( Dr.
Canyon screams ) - Dr.
Canyon, what are you doing on the sofa? I was sleeping.
You're supposed to be upstairs in the bedroom.
I didn't want to be any trouble, Mr.
Smart.
I'll be fine right here on the sofa.
Nonsense.
I won't hear of it.
( footsteps ) Now I want you to get a good night's sleep.
- What's the matter? - I'm not sure.
I feel dizzy.
I'm afraid the formula is wearing off.
Perhaps I'd better Doctor, Doctor! ( doorbell rings ) Oh, that's just great.
What else can happen to me today? What else? - Who is it? - 99: It's me, Max.
That's what else.
( doorbell ringing ) you open the door? Yes, I will in a minute, dear, but right now I have my hands full.
Aren't you gonna open the door, Max? Yes, dear, in a minute.
What are you doing here? Max, I live here.
Yes, but you're not supposed to live here for two more days.
We got a break on the case, and I wrapped it up right after I talked to you, - so I caught a plane and here I am.
- Good.
- ( thuds ) - Oops.
( thuds ) Excuse me, Doctor.
( doorbell rings ) ( continues ringing ) Max! Oh! I missed you so much.
Oh, it's so wonderful to be home.
Listen, 99, I know you must be famished.
Why don't we run down to Chinatown and get some chop suey? - No, Max, I ate on the plane.
- Ate on the plane.
Max, were you sleeping on the sofa? Huh? Oh, the sofa, yes yes.
As a matter of fact, 99, I was sleeping on the sofa.
You see, I wanted to be next to the phone - in case you called.
- But there's a phone in the bedroom.
A phone upstairs, yes, that phone.
Well, I wanted to be down here next to this phone because you see, this phone is next to your picture.
Why didn't you take my picture upstairs? Your picture upstairs, yes, well, to tell you the truth, 99, I was afraid that I would drop your picture and break it.
- Max, how can you break cardboard? - Cardboard, yes.
That's hard to break, I'll tell you.
I have a tremendous idea.
Why don't we go down to Chinatown, and we'll get a nice bite to eat, maybe some nice chow mein? - Max, you asked me that before.
- No no, I asked you about chop suey.
- I still ate on the plane.
- Egg foo young? Max, it's 4:00 in the morning.
Close the door and let's go to bed.
Look, 99, look, here, this'll be nice.
You can sleep right here.
I'll have this fixed in a jiffy, and you'll just sleep like a baby.
Everything will be just beautiful.
Max, I'm not sleeping on the sofa.
I'm sleeping upstairs in our bed.
Yes, well look, 99, I've got a tremendous idea.
Why don't you fix yourself a nice cup of hot, warm milk, and I'll take your bag upstairs to the bedroom? Good idea, Max.
- Where am I? - Shh, my wife is downstairs.
But I thought you said she was out of town.
She was, but she isn't.
All I can say is it's a good thing that you're invisible because if my wife ever saw you-- Dr.
Canyon, you're visible.
- Max! - Oh, hi, 99.
( gasps ) Now wait a minute, 99.
I can explain anything-- I mean everything.
There's nothing to explain.
It's perfectly clear.
It's not perfectly clear.
You don't even know why I brought Dr.
Canyon here.
I suppose you're gonna tell me she's part of some secret case you're on.
- How did you know that? - Oh, Max, goodbye.
Mrs.
Smart.
I think we owe her an explanation.
Now just a moment, Dr.
Canyon.
This is a code Z case, and I'm not allowed to tell anybody about it, - not even my wife.
- I am not a CONTROL agent.
You see, Mrs.
Smart, your husband was assigned to protect me from KAOS.
- And may I ask why? - I invented a formula for invisibility.
And that's the truth, 99.
When I brought Dr.
Canyon home, I thought he'd be a short, fat, bald-headed, little old scientist.
I never dreamed for one single moment that it would turn out to be this luscious, beautiful, gorgeous woman that you see before you.
I don't think I explained that too good.
I think you explained it perfectly.
- Goodbye.
- Wait.
I can prove it.
I have a can of invisibility spray in my purse.
That's it.
Where's your purse? I don't know.
It's invisible, and I can't remember where I put it down.
It must be around here someplace.
Oh! I found it.
The spray can should be visible because it's inside the purse.
Just reach in and get it.
Now watch this, 99.
Mr.
Smart, I'd rather you wouldn't.
It's all right, doctor.
I just wanna prove something.
( spray hissing ) Max, you're invisible! You were telling the truth.
- Then you forgive me? - Oh, of course I forgive you, Max, but how can you ever forgive me? I mean, I was such a bad person not to believe you when you were telling me the truth.
- Goodbye, Max.
- Where are you going now? - I'm leaving you.
- What for? - I don't deserve you.
- ( doorbell rings ) Oh, hello, 99.
Gee, I'm glad you're back.
You could be a real help on this assignment.
Now I'll fill you in on the details.
- I know all about it.
- Chief: who told you? - She did.
- Who's she? - Dr.
Canyon.
- Dr.
Canyon's a woman? - Max: that's right.
- Who's that? - it's me, Chief.
I'm invisible.
- Max? That's wonderful.
The formula really works.
- What's up, Chief? - We've just learned that KAOS is going to take the Ginsburg papers out of the country tonight.
KAOS has the Ginsburg papers? Unfortunately for the civilized world, yes.
Now we have exactly one hour to penetrate KAOS headquarters and take out those papers.
Doctor, make yourself invisible.
- I can't.
- Why not? Mr.
Smart used up all the formula.
- Can't you make some more? - Yes, I can, - but it'll take me five hours.
- We don't have that much time.
- Max, it's up to you.
- I'll try, Chief.
But I doubt if I could make the formula any faster than Dr.
Canyon.
I don't mean that, Max.
I mean now that you're already invisible, you'll have to penetrate KAOS headquarters and take out those papers.
It'll be a pushover, Chief.
I'll be able to move around KAOS headquarters just like I'm moving around in this room right now.
I won't even have to look out for the guards.
But I'll have to watch out for the lamps.
Hey, how much longer? Another 25 minutes.
Then we can stop worrying about the Ginsburg papers.
Then let's grab a cup of coffee.
- You know we can't leave this room.
- What could happen? There's a guard on every floor.
Double security.
It would be impossible for anybody to get in here.
What was that? The lamp fell over.
Lamps just don't fall over.
This one did.
Ugh, will you look at the dust on that lamp? - ( blows ) - ( Smart sneezes ) - Gesundheit.
- What did you say? - I said gesundheit.
- Oh.
What for? I didn't sneeze.
Well, someone did.
There's someone in this room.
Hey, relax.
We've been guarding these papers so long you're beginning - to imagine things.
- We can't take any chances.
You know what would happen if those papers fell into the wrong hands? Gentlemen, those papers are in the wrong hands.
You're right.
There is someone in this room.
That's right.
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86.
And you're powerless because I happen to be invisible.
So, gentlemen, go ahead and fire your guns if you wish.
It will do you no good because you don't know where I am.
You see, one minute I might be here.
And then the next minute, I might be over here.
And of course, a minute later, I might be here.
It all reminds me of a little poem I once heard.
"They seek him here.
They seek him there.
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.
Is he in heaven, or is he in hell? Ha ha ha ha! That darned elusive pimpernel.
" So you see, gentlemen, the truth of the matter is that I can take the Ginsburg papers anytime I like.
And there is nothing you can do to stop me.
Get your foot off the chair.
Don't tell me I'm not invisible.
You're not invisible.
I asked him not to tell me that.
Do you know what's going to happen to you, Smart? - You're gonna have an accident.
- One 15 floors up.
You're going to fall out of that window, and it's going to look like a suicide.
Wrong, gentlemen, because there is no way in this world that you can make me jump out that window.
Therefore, your plan will not work.
But it's certainly worth a try.
Get out on that ledge.
Now just a moment, gentlemen.
Surely you don't think I would be stupid enough to come here by myself.
- Yes, we do.
- That's where you're wrong.
Because at this very moment, CONTROL Agent Fredericks is standing right behind you.
You don't think we're stupid enough to fall for that trick, do you? Now get out on that ledge.
All right, Fredericks.
Let 'em have it.
Moorpark, is there someone behind me? No.
That's funny.
Someone just tapped me on the shoulder.
Good work, Fredericks.
Fredericks? I don't know anybody named Fredericks.
Boy, am I glad Dr.
Canyon showed up when she did.
Fortunately, with the help of the boys in the lab, she was able to make the formula in less than an hour.
- Lucky break for me.
- Lucky break for the world.
We saved the Ginsburg papers.
- Where are they, Max? - Right here, Chief.
Wait a minute.
These are the wrong papers.
- What do you mean, Max? - These are the Gottlieb papers.
No, Max, those are the Ginsburg papers.
But it says right there "Gottlieb.
" Ginsburg changed his name.
( theme music playing )