Ghosts (2021) s04e14 Episode Script

1
You can go home, Mike.
I'll finish closing up.
Fortunately, there's not much to do,
since there were barely
any customers tonight.
PETE: Sure, things have slowed down
a little since the restaurant opened.
And maybe they did get some bad press
from briefly becoming the Hudson
Valley's top Mafia hangout.
But on the bright side
[STAMMERS]
Oh, no. Pete can't find a bright side.
Hmm, this is bad.
I don't get it.
I'm serving great food.
Meanwhile, Connor's place
is packed every night.
They just did a write-up on
him in New York Magazine.
Connor is this guy Jay
hates from culinary school.
I bet he hired a publicist.
- What a douche.
- Jay, you're a great chef.
You just need to focus on you.
As much as I hate to admit it,
I agree with Samantha.
The truth is, my own
life is a tragic tale
about how an obsession with a nemesis
can derail one's own promising career.
I'm of course referring
to my infamous rivalry
with Alexander Hamilton.
SAMANTHA: Can I be honest, Isaac?
I've never really understood
what Hamilton actually did to you.
Weren't you just kind of jealous of him?
I've never shared this with
you because I was embarrassed,
but that man ruined my chance
to become someone history remembers.
'Tis a painful story to tell.
But since it might help Jay,
I'm willing to share it.
Ooh. Dinner and a show.
I like it.
Buckle up.
For tonight, I shall tell you the tale
of why I hate Alexander Hamilton.
♪
The year is 1776.
- It is?
- No, in the story.
Oh.
Our tale begins
at a men's haberdashery,
where I'd gone to pick up a ruffle,
an ornamental but
obligatory garment I needed
for an important event I
was to attend that evening.
Earlier in the week, I
had received an invitation
from my mentor, John Jay,
to attend a dinner party
at his Manhattan estate.
But this was to be no regular soirée.
- 'Scuse me.
- I'll be with you shortly.
[GROANS SOFTLY] This infernal wait.
Give me service or give me death.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, my God.
Beatrice, look.
It's Alexander Hamilton.
We met at James Madison's Easter party
and had the most thrilling
exchange of ideas.
Alexander, hello!
Yeah, I've-I've already been helped.
Um Oh, no, no, no, no, it's me.
It's me. Isaac Higgintoot.
We met at James Madison's Easter party.
Right. Of course!
You were the talk of the event.
- Oh. Mm.
- Oh. Really?
Oh. Yes! Yes, you ate
that rotten pork pie
and yakked in his carriage.
[LAUGHS] He couldn't get the scent out.
It was a total write-off.
Well, um, I will see
you at dinner tonight?
Oh. Yeah, I-I don't think so.
No, I'm-I'm going to John Jay's house
to discuss a-a very important matter.
- Yes. I will be there, too.
- Really?
- [CHUCKLES]: Yeah.
- Oh, I
I kind of assumed it
was an exclusive event.
It is an exclusive event.
Huh.
You're sure you're not thinking
about Albert Jay's party?
I heard he's hosting a chili dump.
Maybe Is that is that
- the party, maybe, you're attending?
- No.
John Jay's. To discuss the
Declaration of Independence.
Hmm. Well!
Excellent! Ha!
Well, you shall be the
voice of the common man.
I'll see you there.
Now, how can I help you?
Yes, Isaac Higgintoot,
picking up my shirt ruffle.
Unfortunately, we're all out.
What? I reserved mine two weeks ago.
Well, it's not here.
It's possible that
someone else picked it up.
But it was under my name.
I-Is there one at another store?
I doubt it. It's sort
of peak ruffle season.
Now, I could order one in.
It would take at least a week.
But I'm going to John
Jay's house tonight.
I heard that was an exclusive
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] event.
It is.
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week
for an ice-cold elimination on
- It's Getting Hot in Here.
- [TREVOR STRAINING]
Cannot believe Victoria
P. sleep with Austin,
then send him home same night.
Victoria P. is going to hell.
[GASPING, SHOUTING]
[SINGSONGY]: I'm back.
- Oh, my God!
- Oy gevalt.
Not again.
Elias, what are you doing here?
Come now, Henrietta,
that's no way to greet your husband.
Greet you? [SCOFFING]
Last time you visited,
you tried to drag Peter to hell.
Never mind all that.
I come to you today
with an opportunity!
We not interested in
anything you have to say.
Now, now, hear me out.
You see, my boss was very impressed
that I returned to hell voluntarily.
There's not a lot of that,
what with all the flaying
and the burning and the bad Wi-Fi.
So now I am on the management track.
And I am one soul shy
of a big promotion.
Oh, and you expect
one of us to volunteer
- to give you our soul?
- I do.
If you accept my offer and
commit your soul to hell,
you will join me on
the management track.
Instead of having your
toenails pried off daily,
well, you could be doing the prying.
Or supervising the prying.
You wouldn't even have
to return with me now.
We could work out a
time, even years from now,
that your cushy sentence could begin.
But refuse my deal
and risk an eternity
of pain and suffering.
Elias, it's a no from us.
So why don't you go try
to peddle your nonsense
on some other ghosts.
Oh, I specifically came
to talk to you four.
You see, we've kind
of had our eyes on you.
Well, I don't like that.
TREVOR: I'm going to be fine.
I'll have you know, when I was alive,
I gave a lot of money to charity.
[QUIETLY]: Charity
was a dancer at Scores.
ELIAS: One last thing
this offer expires at midnight.
So, the only question is
are you willing to roll the dice?
SAMANTHA: Jay, pay attention.
JAY: I can't hear or see him.
Anyway, as I was saying, that evening,
I journeyed to John Jay's house,
eager for the opportunity
that lay before me,
but terrified by how my
ruffle-less chest would be received.
I get it. Neckwear was very important
to us Pinecone Troopers.
Although, given a second chance,
I would've gone with Kevlar
and not your standard
cotton neckerchief.
So, what happened when you
got to John Jay's house?
We're still not at John Jay's house?
As I wassaying,
I entered the residence hoping my peers
would focus more on my ideas
than my garments.
That hope was quickly dashed.
What the hell is wrong with you, Isaac?
I can see the whole naked bib
of your shirt. It's disgusting.
It wasn't my fault.
There was a mix-up at the shoppe,
and then it's like, trying
to find a last-minute ruffle
in Manhattan in March
[CHUCKLING]: I mean, while I'm at it,
why don't I just look
for the Northwest Passage?
You are my protégé, Isaac.
When I invited you to this dinner,
I was sticking my neck out for you,
and you didn't have the decency
to decorate yours for me?
Look who's here.
Thomas Jefferson.
Ben Franklin. Sam Adams.
I will not have you
embarrass me in my own house.
I don't know what to say.
If you want me to go, I'll-I'll go.
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
I-I think I have a spare.
It's not quite the current
style, but it-it'll suffice.
Come with me.
[QUIETLY]: Yes.
Oh, that's nice of him.
So, everything worked out.
Yes, Samantha. I'm
telling you this story
because everything worked out.
- Geez.
- ISAAC: Let's just say
that this particular ruffle
turned out to be worse
than no ruffle at all.
My God, Higgintoot,
what are you wearing?
It's a loaner.
I know it's not the
delicate, finely pleated ruffle
that's currently all the rage.
It looks as though you're
being attacked by a swan.
[CHUCKLING] It's enormous.
[CHUCKLES] It's a wonder
you're not toppling over.
[LAUGHTER] I mean, you're more top-heavy
than Catherine the Great.
[LAUGHTER]
You seen paintings of her?
- Oh!
- [CHUCKLES]: Oh. It's nuts.
[CHUCKLING] Are you kidding?
[CHUCKLES]: I can't get enough of them.
You know me I love looking
at a nice set of plump
duckies.
But what I love even more is
the fine tailoring at
Henry's Haberdashery.
Which is why I had
reserved my ruffle there.
I'm talking very normal-sized
modest, even with a
fine, handsewn center pleat.
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh. Sort of like Hamilton's.
JOHN: Alexander, you made it!
Happy to be here.
ISAAC: There he was,
Alexander Hamilton.
And he was wearing my ruffle.
[GASPS]
Did you just gasp at your own reveal?
I did.
I am so confused. How did you
even know it was your ruffle?
Are you serious? I ran
into him at the haberdashery
just when my ruffle was
supposed to be ready.
And then he shows up
wearing one that's identical
to the one I reserved?
He must have given them my name
because he wanted the trendy ruffle.
I could not just let
this injustice stand.
I mean, Angelica is
definitely the prettiest.
- Yeah. Sure.
- You know. But Eliza just
She just seems so gettable.
SAM: Mm, man, a Schuyler sister.
- I wonder if I could get one.
- I mean,
perhaps Peggy.
[SAM AND ALEXANDER LAUGHING]
[SHUDDERS]
[LAUGHS] Right?
[SAM AND ALEXANDER LAUGHING]
Good evening, Alexander.
Lovely ruffle.
You must have reserved
it quite some time ago,
what, considering how
slammed all the haberdasheries
have been this ruffle season.
Yes, yes. Ruffle season
certainly has been hot, hot, hot.
[CHUCKLES] Which is why I reserved
mine with Mr. Henry two weeks ago.
[CHUCKLES]: Oh. You know,
funny thing I also reserved mine
with Mr. Henry two weeks ago.
But when I showed up today,
mine had gone missing.
And yet here you are,
wearing an identical piece.
How interesting.
And another interesting fact
I had my ruffle monogrammed
on the inside of the collar.
Monogrammed, you say?
Indeed.
Gentlemen. Let's convene the meeting.
I'd like to polish off the
rest of this draft tonight,
so we can get on with the signing.
The signing.
Hot stack of johnnycakes,
you really were gonna sign the
Declaration of Independence!
- It really looked like it.
- So what happened?
- So, let's talk about these unalienable rights.
- Mm.
So far, I have life and liberty.
But it feels like
there should be a third.
Mm.
What about beer?
Thank you, Sam. Uh, I'm
not gonna write that down,
but that doesn't mean
that it was a bad idea.
Either way, we need to make
it clear that these rights
were given to us by God
I think Hamilton took it.
[WHISPERING]: Took what?
My ruffle.
The one I reserved at Henry's.
Who cares? We're founding a nation.
Just drop it, man.
JEFFERSON: Now,
the people should
have the right to alter
or even abolish government, if abused.
But at the same time
Do you think he bribed him?
Bribed who?
The haberdasher.
- Are you not listening?
- I am trying to listen.
- To Jefferson. Just leave me alone.
- Okay.
JEFFERSON: And we can no longer
tolerate the forced boarding
of foreign mercenaries in our homes.
FRANKLIN: Mm-hmm.
It's just, the timing is so suspicious.
JEFFERSON: what it is that they
John.
John.
- John Jay
- Higgintoot!
- Yeah
- Did you have something
that you would like to contribute
to this particular concept?
I, um
Yeah, I like it. It's good.
And what was it?
I don't know.
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
Man, you are blowing this.
ELIAS: There are many benefits.
Sometimes I even get to come
to Earth as a living human,
otherwise known as a demon.
While here,
I'm wining, I'm dining,
I am tricking innocents
into selling me their souls.
[CHUCKLES] It is a blast. And
all on the underworld's dime.
Honestly, it sounds a lot like
my time at Lehman Brothers.
Any of you could be having fun like me.
All you have to do is accept my deal.
A simple handshake will do.
Oh, get that hand away from me.
I ain't taking the deal.
Nor should any of us.
Aside from possibly Thor.
What Thor do?
"What Thor do?"
Didn't you kill, like,
thousands of people?
Yes, but only to pillage the land
for resources and treasure.
Also, must remember,
most of those were Dane,
so Thor think Thor in clear.
Danes are people, too, Thor.
ELIAS: She's not wrong,
my wolf-urine-soaked friend.
You see, in the eyes of hell,
all nationalities are seen as equal.
[GRUNTS]
I was surprised, too.
But Thor kill many, many Dane.
And also, eat best friend
Oskar, who was squirrel.
See, the equating of those
two things also isn't great.
ELIAS: Think I have a live one.
What do you say we make it official?
- [GRUNTS]
- ALBERTA: Oh, that's enough, Elias.
He doesn't want your
deal. None of us do.
So open up a hole and go
back down from where you came.
Well, you all have
another hour on the clock.
If you change your
minds, I will be around
looking for Livings to
walk through and make horny.
Okay, that guy sucks,
but you got to admit,
that ghost power rocks.
- Men?
- I do believe
that we have done something
important here tonight.
And now it is time to sign.
- ALL: Huzzah!
- [LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]
There I was,
mere inches away
From signing the
Declaration of Independence?
From the monogrammed
collar of my ruffle.
I know it's you.
- You stole my ruffle.
- [SCOFFS]
I don't know what you're talking about,
and we're kind of in
the middle of something.
Well, let me see the collar.
- What?
- No, let me see it.
- No. No.
- Let me see it.
What is wrong with you?
Isaac, what are you doing?
[SCREAMING, HOLLERING]
- Put it out!
- My God, man!
Uh, I can save it.
No, no
ALL: No!
My beer.
Phew. That was close.
You destroyed it, Higgintoot.
No, no, I-I mean [CHUCKLES]
Honestly, we were gonna
have to do it over anyway,
'cause all those S's look like F's.
Oh, my goodness.
You destroyed the
Declaration of Independence?
Just the first draft, but yes.
So you destroyed the first
draft of the Declaration
and squandered your own shot at history.
At least there's a silver lining.
Damn it, Pete, don't start
one unless you got it.
I spilled a glass of wine on
Paul Simon's white couch once.
Took Garfunkel a week
to get the stain out.
JAY: Oh, man,
Timothée Chalamet's eating
at Connor's restaurant.
I'm sorry, is he even
listening to my story?
Jay, Isaac wants you to focus up.
I am focusing, but there's a
lot of downtime between updates.
Where was I? Ah, yes.
Fine, not my finest
moment, but all is not lost.
Jefferson, you seem to have a
pretty good handle on things.
How about you take
another run at the draft?
And then we'll all meet back
here, same time next week
for some beers and sign-aroonies?
I'm sorry, Higgintoot,
but, uh, you're out.
Me?
If anyone should be out,
surely it's Hamilton.
And why is that?
Because he stole my ruffle.
He's spiraling. He's totally lost it.
Who invited this guy?
I think he just showed up.
JEFFERSON: Higgintoot
it is time to leave.
Fine, I'll leave,
but not without regret.
Nothing would have made me happier
than to contribute to this great cause.
But alas, Alexander interfered
with my pursuit of happiness.
Because of the whole ruffle kerfuffle.
Get out!
Adding insult to injury,
Hamilton volunteered
to lead me to the door,
saving for my exit one
final twist of the knife.
I'm sorry things didn't work out.
Oh, and, um, Higgintoot?
You were right.
I stole your ruffle.
Hamilton admitted to
stealing Isaac's ruffle.
So Isaac was right. Hamilton did do it.
Yes, Jay.
But the truth is,
that's not what matters.
The only thing that matters
is that my blind
obsession with proving that
caused me to miss out on
being a part of history.
Jay, this restaurant is
your shot at making history.
Don't let it pass you by.
Isaac's saying he
should've just let it go
and not worried about it,
because he missed his
chance to make his mark.
[SCOFFS] Isaac's right.
I need to stop sitting
around and complaining
and start doing everything in my power
to make my restaurant a success.
FLOWER: This might be way too late
to be asking, but what is a ruffle?
Honestly, I got to say,
I knew hell was bad,
- but it sounds really bad.
- Totally.
Except for the constant
playing of Chumbawamba,
- which is objectively awesome.
- [GASPS]
So, do we have a deal?
Thor, no.
You don't want to do this, Big Guy.
[SIGHS]
But Thor may be going to hell anyways.
Why not take deal and make
things little more comfortable?
Trust me, he does not want
to start on the ground floor.
I mean, for one, that
floor is made of snakes.
Thor, think about it,
you've been here a long time.
If you were gonna go down on us,
don't you think it would
have already happened?
- What you mean?
- I'm saying yes,
you've done some bad stuff,
but you've been making efforts
- to improve yourself.
- Mm.
And maybe the universe is taking note.
You remember two years ago when
Bela's boyfriend Eric was electrocuted
and you saved his life
using your ghost power?
Yeah, Thor, that's one life
back in the plus column.
You do that a couple
more thousand times,
you're pretty much even.
Don't listen to them.
We're hell buddies.
And you remember all those
years as a ghost when you watched
over me as a young girl?
Comforting me in my times of need.
Maybe we've all been
given a chance to learn
from our mistakes and
become better people.
And no one's done that more than you.
Sorry, Elias [EXHALES]
but Thor decide
to take Thor's chances.
Fine, but know this: I will not rest
until I reap one soul from this house.
Believe me when I say,
you have not seen the last of me.
Morons.
That is the cue.
That is always the cue.
You have not seen the last
- I get knocked down, but I get up again ♪
- Ooh.
TREVOR: I get knocked down ♪
But I get up again ♪
You're never gonna keep me down ♪
God, it's such a good song.
PETE: Isaac.
Something you said got me thinking.
Did you ever actually
read the final version
of the Declaration of Independence?
As a matter of fact, no.
Once I blew my chance
to be a part of it,
I couldn't bear to look at the thing.
Right, 'cause there's a
phrase you said in the story.
"Pursuit of happiness."
Yes, it was something I said
in the heat of the moment.
They can't all be winners.
Well, they used it.
Right at the beginning
of the Declaration.
What? Really?
"Certain unalienable rights.
Life, liberty and the
pursuit of happiness "
They used my words.
So I guess you did make your mark
on history, in kind of a big way.
I guess I did. What
about "ruffle kerfuffle"?
Did that make it in?
Uh, I'm pretty sure no.
Okay. Well, still,
Isaac: one, Hamilton: zero.
Well, I mean, he's on
the ten-dollar bill.
Yeah, okay, then it's a draw.
Which is the best Hamilton's
ever done in a duel, am I right?
Yeah, h-he died.
[LAUGHS]: Yes, he did. The wimp.
Whereas I am immortal.
My words live on.
I have to tell the others.
Everyone? I'm famous!
Whereas Hamilton
bled out in a field in New Jersey.
I bet he was really ruffled about that.
Can't endorse the
pettiness, but love the pun.
If I'm being honest,
part of me isn't sure
about hiring a publicist.
I know I'm a good chef.
Shouldn't that be enough?
Everyone needs a little help sometimes.
I don't know, it kind of
feels like I'm selling my soul.
I completely understand.
You know what?
I'm gonna have to think about it.
Take as much time as you need.
And when you've made your decision,
you know how to get in
touch with me. [LAUGHS]
- [CACKLES]
- [LAUGHS]
I get knocked down, but I
get up again, you're never ♪