Glee s04e14 Episode Script
I Do
Thanks for coming to meet me.
I half-thought that Brody guy was gonna be with you, and I didn't think you'd want to spend your first Valentine's Day apart.
Yeah, it's actually a little bit of a point of contention between the two of us.
He was I don't know, weirded out, about going to a stranger's wedding, and so I Okay.
Okay, cool, cool.
So I-I don't really need to hear about your new boyfriend that you're living with, all right? Finn, what's going on right now? You look like you slept in those clothes.
And you won't even look at me.
I kissed Miss Pillsbury.
Did she kiss you back? No, she was totally freaked out by it.
I don't even know how it happened.
We've been spending all this time together, and then she was there, and I just felt the need to And I kissed her, and I Does Mr.
Shue know? I don't I don't think so.
I don't think she'd tell him, but maybe I should.
No.
Don't.
Just don't.
Okay? Remember how you felt about Puck when you found out about him and Quinn? You kicked a garbage can.
I'm the worst person in the world! No, you're not.
What you did, it wasn't great, but I get it.
You're confused, and and lonely.
I'm sure that just knowing about Brody and I living together, it-it set you off.
Not everything has to do with you.
Look, I don't know what to do.
You always wanted to be an actor, right? So here's your chance to play the role of the supportive best man.
Um Oh, God I'd feel a lot more comfortable if this door stayed open.
The whole wall is glass, and there's like I don't have time for this, Finn.
Seriously, this seating chart is like a giant sudoku.
Will wants his mother as far away from the bar as possible, and all of you Glee kids have dated so incestuously that I can't even remember who can tolerate who anymore, so Look, I'm-I'm worried about not being able to do this.
Being able to look Mr.
Shue in the eyes.
I Look, I'm really sorry that I don't have a pamphlet handy for you right now, but I'm pretty sure if I did, it would say something like, "Get Over It," okay? My therapist says that I use my OCD to control the uncontrollable.
Ever since I was a little kid, I would plan and plan and plan all my birthday parties but never actually went through with any of them because they were never ready by the time my birthday actually rolled around.
I just wanted to help you.
Look, when I get on that altar, and I make my solemn vows for the second and, I hope, the very last time, standing right behind my husband will be his best man.
That's you the guy who thought it was okay to kiss me a week before my wedding.
The guy who is forcing me to lie to my fiancé.
And if you really want to help me, then just keep a wide berth and keep your mouth shut.
How's my nervous little bride doing? Um, good, I just, I just really could use some help with this seating Right after Glee practice, I promise.
Okay.
Come on, Finn.
Okay.
Glee Club! Mr.
Shue, how was D.
C.
? D.
C.
was great, but now I am back to stay.
Holla! And so, for my first order of business, I want to give a big shout-out to the guy who made sure I had something to come back to Mr.
Finn Hudson.
Now for this week's assignment I hope it's Britney again.
Oh! Ha, ha, ha! Miss Pillsbury and I are finally getting married.
Yeah! Which makes me the happiest, luckiest man alive.
Now, Emma has been handling all the prep, so to help out, I thought I'd take charge of the entertainment for the reception.
And though this goes against tradition, it would mean the world to me and to Emma if, instead of giving your best man's speech, Finn, you sing for us.
What do you think? Uh uh, yeah, of course.
Perfect.
For everyone else who isn't out with Asian bird flu It wasn't me.
it's a Valentine's Day wedding, which means, we need some great romantic love songs at the reception.
Wait.
You want us to be your wedding singers? That is so Awesome.
We'd be honored.
Great.
I have some great ideas.
Oh.
So, her name is Betty.
She's gonna be sitting next to you.
She's my niece, she's blonde, she's an amazing singer, and she has um, very large, uh Feet? Boobies.
Oh.
Oh, my.
Uh, Miss Pillsbury, are you okay? What, me? Yeah, I'm fine.
Your locker's not, though.
It's flu season.
I can practically see the virus growing in here.
I'm sorry.
It's just a little bit of residual wedding stress.
Nothing that any bride wouldn't feel this close to her big day, though.
Right? So, I know it's not Valentine's Day yet, but I wanted you to open this now.
They're cuff links.
I made it myself from this old typewriter my mom and I found at a garage sale.
I just wanted you to have them early so you could wear them to Mr.
Shue's wedding.
These are so cool, but I can't wait to give you your gift.
You're gonna love it.
I love it already, I don't care what it is.
I'll meet you after Spanish class, okay? Dude, you did get her something, right? Not yet, but I've got some ideas.
I've been brainstorming with my brother.
You said she has some kind of eating disorder thing, right? Yeah.
Take her out to dinner.
Save a bunch of cash.
Then you can use that extra money to buy a ton of different lingerie.
Have her put on a fashion show.
Chicks love fashion.
Dude, I know you're, like, related to that guy, but he's kind of creepy and currently dating a sophomore.
All right, I'm not letting you do any of that.
Dude, I don't know about this stuff.
Okay, those are the only ideas that I had.
You want to do something romantic.
Something she's gonna remember for the rest of her life.
Well, it's not like I can afford diamond earrings or a Bentley.
It's not how much money you put into it.
It's about how much of you you put it into it.
Well, you got some ideas? A bunch, which is why you're going to forget about Valentine's Day and make it Valentine's Week.
Genius.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Say hi to Mrs.
Sanchez for me.
Okay.
Where have you been? I asked you to come, like, an hour ago.
I was getting a spray-tan.
Mr.
Shue asked me to sing him a song as my best man toast.
So far, I've narrowed it down to "Confessions" by Usher, "My Best Friend's Girl," and "Lyin' Eyes" by the Eagles.
I can't I can't go through with this.
You're gonna be fine, all right? I'll sing with you.
We can do a duet.
I'll take the lead, and you can just sway in the background.
Right.
Well, I think the real issue here is, whether or not you can handle singing with me.
I mean, we do have some pretty dangerous musical chemistry.
I think I can control myself.
Although, I will admit, you do look very cute right now.
I've been dieting.
I'll pick out a song.
So eagles sit at the top of the food chain.
Their lifting power is about four pounds.
It's like a small baby.
Okay, what is going on with you? Did you buy more of those Because there's a reason they're illegal in Canada.
Nothing's going on.
What could be going on? It's history class.
All right.
Jacob, you've got the floor.
Hello.
This is kind of embarrassing, but Jake, what are you doing?! Are you really standing up in front of everyone and singing to prove your love for Marley? Yes, Ryder.
Yes, I am.
Wow.
That's so crazy and emotionally vulnerable.
I had no idea.
Oh, wait.
Yes, I did.
Yes, I did.
Marley, I know this is one of your favorite songs, so this is for you.
You're all I need To get by I, I You're all Like sweet morning dew I need I took one look at you To get by And it was plain to see I, I You were my destiny You're all With arms open wide I need I threw away my pride To get by I'll sacrifice for you I, I Dedicate my life to you Oh, oh I will go where you lead Come on, baby Always there in time of need Oh, oh, oh, and when I lose my will You'll be there to push me up the hill There's no, no looking back for us We got love sure enough, that's enough You're all You're all I need To get by You're all I need Yeah, yeah To get by Oh, yeah I, I Ooh, ooh-ooh Listen.
You're all Like an eagle protects his nest I need For you, I'll do my best To get by Stand by you like a tree I, I And dare anybody to try and move me You're all Darling, in you I found I need to get by Strength when I was torn down Don't know what's in store I, I But together we can open any door Oh, baby Just to do what's good for you Come on, darling, oh, oh And inspire you a little higher I know you can make a man Out of a soul that didn't have a goal 'Cause we, we got the right foundation And with love and determination You're all All the joys under the sun wrapped up into one You're all, you're all I need You're all I need You're all I need Oh, to get by All right You're all I need you, darling Oh, oh You're all I need to get by.
That was amazing.
You like it? Oh, my God.
She liked it.
That was so romantic.
It is a Carrot Top convention.
I am so over this, and it hasn't even started yet.
I'm clearly the hottest bitch in this lousy joint, but I'm all alone, stuck here sitting with you.
Do you want me to slap you again? I hate weddings, and I hate Valentine's Day.
They were invented by breeders to sell cheap chocolate and false hope.
Do you know what I hate? Men.
Every single one of them is a pig, except maybe Mr.
Shue and Al Roker.
And you know what? You were right.
I do let men define me, but not anymore.
Like Gloria Steinem said, "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
" Al Roker is disgusting, by the way.
Whatever.
Hi.
Betty? Yes? Oh, God.
What? Did I beat you to the last handicap spot? Sorry.
I'm Artie.
Miss Pillsbury said I should look out for you? Hell, no.
Uh No.
Uh No.
Wheel away.
Wheel the hell away.
My aunt told me she was fixing me up with someone good-looking, so that was a lie.
Oh.
I mean, some people think I'm kind of nerdy-hot, so No, no, no.
Andrew Garfield is nerdy-hot.
You are Stephen Hawking's younger brother.
Miss Pillsbury didn't tell you I was in a wheelchair, did she? Um, obviously not, because I don't date losers in chairs.
But you're in a wheelchair.
Yeah, I'm also blonde, captain of the cheerleaders at my high school, and I've got this going on.
You first.
Thank you, sir.
Yep.
Oh, my gosh, Jake.
Are these for me? Yes? How did you know I love peonies? They're the queen of flowers.
Because you mentioned it in the choir room once, and Jake remembered.
Right, dude? Right.
Yeah.
I love them.
And you.
Thank you.
Had I known I was gonna get groped in the back of a Prius, I would've brought a change of clothes.
I'm gonna go in there looking The Morning After.
What am I doing? I'm sort of dating somebody in New York.
Uh, you're not in New York.
And it's not exclusive, right? You in this fey boy-tie it's my Kryptonite.
Wait, this doesn't mean that we're back together, right? No, no, no.
It's-it's cool.
I know, I know.
It's-it's This is just bros helping bros.
I love it when you talk fratty.
Tell me that's not Tina again! Hey, can you two wrap it up? The wedding is about to start, and I need my arm-gays.
Oh, my God.
You do realize how trashy blasphemous this is, right? Mercedes, everyone hooks up at weddings.
Mm-hmm.
Let's go.
This outfit needs an audience.
Oh, my God.
What are you wearing? What? This old thing? Why, it's an exact replica of your wedding dress.
Why would you do that? To get back at Will Schuester for handing a teaching position to a flabby 19-year-old.
Um Sue, I feel really scared.
I feel really overwhelmed.
I feel like I can't think straight.
I'm just really, really worried that this isn't gonna work.
Well, of course it isn't going to work.
You're a weird bird-lady with a hollow pelvis and OCD, and Will Schuester is a weepy man-child whose greatest joy in life is singing with children and whose best friend is 19.
It's just, the last time was such a disaster.
You know, I-I turned into somebody that I didn't even recognize.
If I'm wrong again, I won't survive.
Well, don't say that to Will Schuester.
He'll have you singing a stripped-down acoustic version of "I Will Survive" in front of a choir room full of teenagers with meaningful looks on their faces.
God, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
I don't feel like there's any air in here.
Today is for Emma Emma, I give you the rest of my life To cherish and to keep you To honor you forever Today is for Emma My happily soon-to-be wife Emma, we're really getting married.
Pardon me, is everybody there? Because if everybody's there I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding I'd appreciate your going even more, I mean you must have Lots of better things to do, and not a word of this to Will Remember Will, you know, the man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not 'cause I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is But I thank you all for the gifts and the flowers Thank you all, now it's back to the showers Don't tell Will, but I'm not getting married today Bless this day, tragedy of life Husband yoked to wife The heart sinks down and feels dead This dreadful day Emma, I can't find my good cuff links.
They're on the dresser.
Right next to my suicide note.
Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're Waiting for, a wedding, what's a wedding, it's a prehistoric Ritual where everybody promises fidelity forever Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard And which is followed by a honeymoon where suddenly he'll Realize he's saddled with a nut and want to kill me, which He should, so thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married Go have lunch 'cause I'm not getting Married, you've been grand, but I'm not getting married Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married, and don't Tell Will, but I'm not getting married today Go, can't you go? Look, you know I adore you all Emma, Emma, I give you But why watch me die like Eliza on the ice? The rest of my life But perhaps I'll collapse in the apse right before you all To cherish and to keep you So take back the cake, burn the shoes and boil the rice To honor you forever Look, I didn't want to have to tell you, but I may be coming Down with hepatitis and I think I'm gonna faint So if you want to see me faint I'll do it happily, but wouldn't it be funnier to go And watch a funeral, so thank you for My adorable wife The 27 dinner plates, 47 paperweights, One more thing I'm not getting married Softly say But I'm not getting married With this ring Still I'm not getting married I thee wed See, I'm not getting married Let us pray that we are getting married today! Oh, yeah.
Nice to see you all.
Hey, what do you think? Nice, huh? Thank you for coming.
Oh, look, it's all the Glee kids.
Sue.
What are you doing? I'm trying to stop this from becoming an utter fiasco.
Emma's left the building.
So, did she give you any idea why she might do this? I mean, like, leading up to today, did she tell you anything or She didn't have to tell me anything.
I left her with all this stress and planning.
She was losing it and I kept telling her that it was her usual obsessiveness.
I Yeah, but she left you at the altar, man.
I mean, that's pretty hard-core.
You think there is something else? Do you think there's do you think there's someone else? I have been chosen, probably because I'm numb to other people's feelings, to come here and ask what you would like to do, Mr.
Shue.
About what? Uh, about the reception.
Miss Pillsbury's parents say they paid for the whole thing, so we might as well go ahead and have the party and if you ask me, they seem pretty happy about what happened.
We can't have a reception now.
Sure you can.
All of you came back, you should be together.
Just because I ruined my Valentine's Day doesn't mean I have to ruin all of yours, too.
I'm gonna go see if I can find Emma.
Let's go.
We all should've known that a Valentine's Day wedding was just asking for a disaster.
Love stinks.
Sorry, ladies, can I see some I.
D.
? I'm 25.
Name's Rosario Cruz.
I might be related to Penelope.
You? Emily Stark.
Barely legal.
Well, that's good, 'cause I hear your professors are into that.
You know, we always were two ends of the same bitch-goddess spectrum.
Maybe that's why we love each other so much.
And slap each other.
You know, I have to say, Rosario, you are killing it in that dress.
Thanks.
Those romantic saps.
You know, they may have love, but you know what we are that they are not? Flawless.
I said Dance hall, dance hall I'm gonna go dance.
Dude, you are like some kind of love genius.
Do you spend all your time watching Lifetime? Marley has a wicked case of Puckerman fever, and I just need one more act of romantic awesomeness to make the condition fatal.
Do you think maybe just one of these gifts should be your idea? No, my ideas suck.
I mean, I tried to write her a poem, and the only words that I could come up with to rhyme with Marley was "barley" and "gnarly.
" Here.
It's a heart pendant from the jeweler at the mall.
It's pretty but it's not too expensive, so she won't think you stole it.
Okay, I'm going to ignore the subtly racist overtones of that comment because you are my hero.
And this is perfect.
I am so getting laid tonight.
What? Well, I mean, Marley has wanted to take things slow, and we have, which is fine, but I mean, all this romance is like nitrous.
I got us a room upstairs just in case, but I think it's gonna happen.
She's not ready for that.
She's she's just a sophomore.
She's still getting over her eating disorder.
She's not like other girls, okay? I think I'm in love with her.
And I think she's finally letting her guard down enough to love me back.
I promised you I wouldn't hurt her, right? Well, I keep my promises.
Especially to friends who are putting whatever feelings they're having aside to make something special happen for me.
When I'm with you, baby I go out of my head And I just can't get enough, and I just can't get enough All the things you do to me And everything you said I just can't get enough You know that what happened today isn't your fault, right? How do you know? Because I've seen every runaway bride movie that there is, and I know that when the bride runs away, it's never because of a random kiss, all right? It's because she knew, deep down inside, that it wasn't right.
Well, look, it's not everyday that we're in the same city, so let's dance.
And I just can't seem to get enough of We walk together We're walking down the street And I just can't get enough, and I just can't get enough Every time I think of you I know we have to meet And I just can't get enough I just can't get enough It's getting hotter It's a burning love And I just can't seem to get enough Oh, my God.
Did you not get it before? Yeah, I did.
More than you know.
You're mean and you're awful because you're angry because you're in the chair, I understand.
Wow, could you be any more reductive and handi-centric? I'm fine with my chair.
What I'm not fine with is suffering fools.
If you think that makes me mean and awful I do.
However, I find you oddly compelling, so will you dance with me? I'm pretty legendary for my dance moves.
All right, fine.
One dance.
That's all I ask.
And when it rains You're shining down for me And I just can't get enough, and I just can't get enough Just like a rainbow You know you set me free And I just can't get enough And I just can't get enough You're like an angel And you give me your love And I just can't seem to get enough of I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough Oh I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough Oh I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough It's getting hotter It's a burning love And I just can't seem to get enough of.
I'm gonna get some punch, do you want anything? Uh, yeah, I'll take a cup.
But just remember, we're not Dating, we're just here as friends, I know.
Ooh, big cupcakes.
I don't like the way you treat Blaine.
There, I said it.
You're here, you're in New York, you're at vogue.
com, you're at NYADA who are you, Kurt? Meanwhile, Blaine is here, lonely, and yes, he cheated, and we're all human, Kurt, we all deserve to be loved back, Kurt.
Okay, Tina.
I say this with total love, but the moment we all saw coming is finally here.
You're a hag.
You're hagged out, you're in love with Blaine, and it's creepy.
Stop.
What do you know about love? You just come and go.
Who's been here to support him? Me.
Who took him to Sadie Hawkins? Me.
Who put him in bed when he got sick and rubbed vapor rub on his little muscled chest while he slept Wait, what? Do you huh? What? No, I didn't mean This isn't about me, Kurt! I have to go.
Did you vapo-rape my ex-boyfriend? Don't walk away from me, Tina Cohen-Chang! Today is the day we honor Saint Valentine, a man publicly beheaded for defying his government, by exchanging candies and chocolates to nonsensically render the objects of our affection more fat and less attractive.
And in other nonsensical traditions, Emma left behind her bouquet as she fled the scene, leaving it to somebody else to toss these soon-to-be-dead flowers under the mythical belief that whoever catches them will magically become the next person to get married, or, more than likely, to sprint from the altar.
So gather round, single ladies, and allow me to be the one to enable your false dreams and ridiculous expectations.
That's weird.
See, traditionally only single girls line up to catch the bouquet.
She loves me.
I am single.
You live with a guy.
She loves me not.
Have you been drinking? You know, you were the one who told me to stop moping around and being such a sad sack.
She loves me.
A-And it got me thinking about Will and Emma.
About how relationships are a lot like flowers.
If you find the right seed, put it in good soil, give it water and sunlight Bam, perfect bud.
She loves me not.
And then comes winter and the flower dies.
But if you tend that garden, spring will come along and that flower will bloom again.
She loves me.
Are you telling me that you want to be a gardener? I'm asking you how you can live with a guy but still be single.
She loves me not.
Come on, it's New York, okay? Haven't you ever seen Sex and the City? Brody and I had a very mature conversation.
We just decided that we're not gonna, you know, put any labels on anything or worry about what we are.
She loves me.
So, do you really believe all that stuff you tell yourself about, you know, labels and mature conversations, Sex and the City, really? She loves me not.
You think I'm lying to you? I think you're lying to yourself.
She loves me.
And I think that the reason you can't really commit to Brody is because you're still in love with someone else.
She loves me not.
You? You and I both know how this thing ends.
I-I don't know how or when, and I don't care where you're living or-or what dope you're shacked up with, you're my girlfriend.
We are endgame.
I know that and you know that.
We got to go sing our duet, so Yeah.
I know it's late I know you're weary I know your plans Don't include me Still here we are Both of us lonely Longing for shelter From all that we see Why should we worry? No one will care, girl Look at the stars, now So far away We've got tonight Who needs tomorrow? We've got tonight, babe Why don't you stay? Deep in my soul I've been so lonely I've never slow-danced with a girl before.
All of my hopes are fading away I like it.
And I've longed for love Like everyone else does I know I'll keep searching After today So there it is, girl We've got it all now And here we are, babe What do you say? We've got tonight Who needs tomorrow? We've got tonight, babe Why don't we stay? I know it's late And I know you're weary I know your plans don't include me Still here we are Both of us lonely Both of us lonely We've got tonight Who needs tomorrow? Let's make it last Let's find a way Turn out the light Come take my hand now We've got tonight, babe Why don't we stay? We've got tonight, babe Why don't we Stay Tell me now that we're not back together.
I mean It was fun, but Don't.
I'm not gonna let you minimize this, Kurt.
It's no accident that we were together on Christmas and again on Valentine's Day.
And we're going to be together for many, many more, no matter how much you pretend that this doesn't mean anything.
I'll see you downstairs.
Okay.
So that's why college girls experiment.
And thank God they do.
You know, it was fun, and I've always wondered what it would be like to be with a woman, but, uh, I don't know.
I think for me it was more of a one-time thing.
Look, you don't have to worry.
I'm not going to show up at your house with a U-Haul.
So what happens next? Well, you could walk out first.
Or we could make it a two-time thing? Was it good for you? I don't know.
You? No idea.
I'm sorry.
Eh, don't be.
But you spent so much money on this room.
No, I didn't.
I just snagged a key card from the maid's cart and tried every door till one opened.
Are you serious? No.
Come on.
Can we at least make it back downstairs for another dance? Let's go.
Hello? My God.
This is amazing.
Just a little something I threw together.
Only took two whole days, but you're worth it.
Thank you.
I felt bad about us not being together on Valentine's Day, but since, uh, Kurt and Santana are out until tomorrow, I thought we could take advantage.
Did you kiss somebody else when you were away? You're kissing differently.
What if I did? I thought we were in a modern and open relationship.
Yeah, we are.
But, I mean, the key is that we are honest with each other with everything that we do.
So, did you see Finn? Finn's fine.
He lives in Ohio.
And I live here with you.
Cool? Like a cucumber.
Thank you for being honest with me.
Well, speaking of being honest, what about you, huh? Mm-hmm.
Who did you see? Who did you do? Sure there are a lot lonely girls in New York City on Valentine's Day.
I stayed at home and watched weightlifting videos.
Well, thank you for being honest with me.
Care to join me in the bedroom? Is it okay if I pass tonight? I have airplane belly.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course.
I am kind of worn out from the night before you left.
Okay, so, couch time and Yes! I will get some popcorn.
I'm glad to have you back.
I genuinely missed you.
Before you say anything, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I attacked you at the reception.
It's just, I saw you up there, singing with Blaine, and I saw the old, legendary chemistry.
I saw two soul mates rediscovering each other, and I was jealous.
Why couldn't that be me? Why can't I have that with someone? You will, just not with me.
I'm sorry that I've been throwing myself at you, making a fool of myself, hoping for something I know can never be.
It's okay, Tina.
The truth is, we've all experienced unrequited love before, and we've all done things that we wish we didn't, and we all just want to get back to being friends.
And that's just what we are.
I mean, we're just friends.
Um, well, we're going to the double feature of All About Eve and Showgirls at the revival house if you want to come with us.
Wow.
Mystery solved, Hagatha Christie.
I'm gonna be a third wheel for the rest of my life.
First of all, that's not even remotely true.
Starting right now, I'm gonna help you get a boyfriend.
And second of all, when I called you a hag, I was bringing attention to the fact that you are honoring the noble and proud tradition of hagdom.
Ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, and I, for one, am psyched that my very first hag was someone as kick-ass as Ms.
Tina Cohen-Chang.
Hey.
Sorry I didn't get to see you after the party.
I wanted to say thank you.
Uh, for what? Come on.
Jake is awesome and everything, but he's not capable of that.
Any of it.
I know it was you whispering in his ear like Cyrano.
Like who? Anyway, it was sweet.
And romantic.
And whenever you do that for someone for real, she's going to be the luckiest girl on the planet.
It was for real.
I'm sorry.
I should probably go.
Yeah.
Uh, that was a fresh cup.
Clearly it's not working.
You're sitting there looking half-asleep.
What has gotten into you, Finn? Everything.
The whole situation it sucks, and it's time to fix it.
No one ever felt better sitting around, moping, feeling sorry for themselves.
That's what Glee Club, and you, have taught me over the years.
Never shy away from a challenge, never back down.
And-and no matter what, do not give up.
I am not giving up.
I I just need time to process.
Look, there's no time to process, Mr.
Shue.
Somewhere out there right now there's a Miss Pillsbury running around who should already be a Mrs.
Schuester.
Emma needs her husband, and the New Directions! Need both of their coaches.
I'll be right by your side.
I'm your best man.
We're going to go and win nationals again together.
And together, we're gonna find your wife.
And we're gonna make things right.
Okay.
Thank you.
Surprised to see me? No.
I saw you two minutes ago.
You took forever wheeling up here.
Before I went home, I wanted to apologize for being so bitchy at the wedding.
When I get nervous, I get kind of mean.
Kind of mean? You were like Idi Amin mean.
I know, I'm working on that.
Anyway, thanks for putting up with me.
And thanks for You're, like, the best I've ever had.
And I've had a lot.
Oh, me, too.
I mean, my sexual prowess is legendary throughout the Great Lake states.
Give me your digits, woman.
Why? 'Cause this Saturday I'm taking you out.
Like on a date? Yes, definitely a date.
We'll grab some dinner, maybe see a movie Or we could just skip the dinner and movie, and Charter a private jet, fly to Paris, dance under the Arc de Triomphe in the Champs-Elysées? Yo, when you're rolling with Artie Abrams, anything can happen.
Stripped to the waist, we fall into the river Cover your eyes so you don't know the secret Yeah, since we found out Since we found out That anything could happen Anything could happen, anything could Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh After the war we said we'd fight together Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh I guess we thought that's just what humans do Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh But now I've seen it through And now I know the truth That anything could happen Anything could happen, anything could Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh Baby I'll give you everything you need I'll give you everything you need, oh But I don't think I need you Stripped to the waist, we fall into the river Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh Yeah, since we found out Since we found out That anything could happen Anything could happen, anything could I know it's gonna be I know it's gonna be I know it's gonna be I know it's gonna be I know it's gonna be I know it's gonna be All right Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, oh, yeah, oh, yeah Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Oh, yeah, ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh But I don't think I need you Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh Anything could happen.
I half-thought that Brody guy was gonna be with you, and I didn't think you'd want to spend your first Valentine's Day apart.
Yeah, it's actually a little bit of a point of contention between the two of us.
He was I don't know, weirded out, about going to a stranger's wedding, and so I Okay.
Okay, cool, cool.
So I-I don't really need to hear about your new boyfriend that you're living with, all right? Finn, what's going on right now? You look like you slept in those clothes.
And you won't even look at me.
I kissed Miss Pillsbury.
Did she kiss you back? No, she was totally freaked out by it.
I don't even know how it happened.
We've been spending all this time together, and then she was there, and I just felt the need to And I kissed her, and I Does Mr.
Shue know? I don't I don't think so.
I don't think she'd tell him, but maybe I should.
No.
Don't.
Just don't.
Okay? Remember how you felt about Puck when you found out about him and Quinn? You kicked a garbage can.
I'm the worst person in the world! No, you're not.
What you did, it wasn't great, but I get it.
You're confused, and and lonely.
I'm sure that just knowing about Brody and I living together, it-it set you off.
Not everything has to do with you.
Look, I don't know what to do.
You always wanted to be an actor, right? So here's your chance to play the role of the supportive best man.
Um Oh, God I'd feel a lot more comfortable if this door stayed open.
The whole wall is glass, and there's like I don't have time for this, Finn.
Seriously, this seating chart is like a giant sudoku.
Will wants his mother as far away from the bar as possible, and all of you Glee kids have dated so incestuously that I can't even remember who can tolerate who anymore, so Look, I'm-I'm worried about not being able to do this.
Being able to look Mr.
Shue in the eyes.
I Look, I'm really sorry that I don't have a pamphlet handy for you right now, but I'm pretty sure if I did, it would say something like, "Get Over It," okay? My therapist says that I use my OCD to control the uncontrollable.
Ever since I was a little kid, I would plan and plan and plan all my birthday parties but never actually went through with any of them because they were never ready by the time my birthday actually rolled around.
I just wanted to help you.
Look, when I get on that altar, and I make my solemn vows for the second and, I hope, the very last time, standing right behind my husband will be his best man.
That's you the guy who thought it was okay to kiss me a week before my wedding.
The guy who is forcing me to lie to my fiancé.
And if you really want to help me, then just keep a wide berth and keep your mouth shut.
How's my nervous little bride doing? Um, good, I just, I just really could use some help with this seating Right after Glee practice, I promise.
Okay.
Come on, Finn.
Okay.
Glee Club! Mr.
Shue, how was D.
C.
? D.
C.
was great, but now I am back to stay.
Holla! And so, for my first order of business, I want to give a big shout-out to the guy who made sure I had something to come back to Mr.
Finn Hudson.
Now for this week's assignment I hope it's Britney again.
Oh! Ha, ha, ha! Miss Pillsbury and I are finally getting married.
Yeah! Which makes me the happiest, luckiest man alive.
Now, Emma has been handling all the prep, so to help out, I thought I'd take charge of the entertainment for the reception.
And though this goes against tradition, it would mean the world to me and to Emma if, instead of giving your best man's speech, Finn, you sing for us.
What do you think? Uh uh, yeah, of course.
Perfect.
For everyone else who isn't out with Asian bird flu It wasn't me.
it's a Valentine's Day wedding, which means, we need some great romantic love songs at the reception.
Wait.
You want us to be your wedding singers? That is so Awesome.
We'd be honored.
Great.
I have some great ideas.
Oh.
So, her name is Betty.
She's gonna be sitting next to you.
She's my niece, she's blonde, she's an amazing singer, and she has um, very large, uh Feet? Boobies.
Oh.
Oh, my.
Uh, Miss Pillsbury, are you okay? What, me? Yeah, I'm fine.
Your locker's not, though.
It's flu season.
I can practically see the virus growing in here.
I'm sorry.
It's just a little bit of residual wedding stress.
Nothing that any bride wouldn't feel this close to her big day, though.
Right? So, I know it's not Valentine's Day yet, but I wanted you to open this now.
They're cuff links.
I made it myself from this old typewriter my mom and I found at a garage sale.
I just wanted you to have them early so you could wear them to Mr.
Shue's wedding.
These are so cool, but I can't wait to give you your gift.
You're gonna love it.
I love it already, I don't care what it is.
I'll meet you after Spanish class, okay? Dude, you did get her something, right? Not yet, but I've got some ideas.
I've been brainstorming with my brother.
You said she has some kind of eating disorder thing, right? Yeah.
Take her out to dinner.
Save a bunch of cash.
Then you can use that extra money to buy a ton of different lingerie.
Have her put on a fashion show.
Chicks love fashion.
Dude, I know you're, like, related to that guy, but he's kind of creepy and currently dating a sophomore.
All right, I'm not letting you do any of that.
Dude, I don't know about this stuff.
Okay, those are the only ideas that I had.
You want to do something romantic.
Something she's gonna remember for the rest of her life.
Well, it's not like I can afford diamond earrings or a Bentley.
It's not how much money you put into it.
It's about how much of you you put it into it.
Well, you got some ideas? A bunch, which is why you're going to forget about Valentine's Day and make it Valentine's Week.
Genius.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Say hi to Mrs.
Sanchez for me.
Okay.
Where have you been? I asked you to come, like, an hour ago.
I was getting a spray-tan.
Mr.
Shue asked me to sing him a song as my best man toast.
So far, I've narrowed it down to "Confessions" by Usher, "My Best Friend's Girl," and "Lyin' Eyes" by the Eagles.
I can't I can't go through with this.
You're gonna be fine, all right? I'll sing with you.
We can do a duet.
I'll take the lead, and you can just sway in the background.
Right.
Well, I think the real issue here is, whether or not you can handle singing with me.
I mean, we do have some pretty dangerous musical chemistry.
I think I can control myself.
Although, I will admit, you do look very cute right now.
I've been dieting.
I'll pick out a song.
So eagles sit at the top of the food chain.
Their lifting power is about four pounds.
It's like a small baby.
Okay, what is going on with you? Did you buy more of those Because there's a reason they're illegal in Canada.
Nothing's going on.
What could be going on? It's history class.
All right.
Jacob, you've got the floor.
Hello.
This is kind of embarrassing, but Jake, what are you doing?! Are you really standing up in front of everyone and singing to prove your love for Marley? Yes, Ryder.
Yes, I am.
Wow.
That's so crazy and emotionally vulnerable.
I had no idea.
Oh, wait.
Yes, I did.
Yes, I did.
Marley, I know this is one of your favorite songs, so this is for you.
You're all I need To get by I, I You're all Like sweet morning dew I need I took one look at you To get by And it was plain to see I, I You were my destiny You're all With arms open wide I need I threw away my pride To get by I'll sacrifice for you I, I Dedicate my life to you Oh, oh I will go where you lead Come on, baby Always there in time of need Oh, oh, oh, and when I lose my will You'll be there to push me up the hill There's no, no looking back for us We got love sure enough, that's enough You're all You're all I need To get by You're all I need Yeah, yeah To get by Oh, yeah I, I Ooh, ooh-ooh Listen.
You're all Like an eagle protects his nest I need For you, I'll do my best To get by Stand by you like a tree I, I And dare anybody to try and move me You're all Darling, in you I found I need to get by Strength when I was torn down Don't know what's in store I, I But together we can open any door Oh, baby Just to do what's good for you Come on, darling, oh, oh And inspire you a little higher I know you can make a man Out of a soul that didn't have a goal 'Cause we, we got the right foundation And with love and determination You're all All the joys under the sun wrapped up into one You're all, you're all I need You're all I need You're all I need Oh, to get by All right You're all I need you, darling Oh, oh You're all I need to get by.
That was amazing.
You like it? Oh, my God.
She liked it.
That was so romantic.
It is a Carrot Top convention.
I am so over this, and it hasn't even started yet.
I'm clearly the hottest bitch in this lousy joint, but I'm all alone, stuck here sitting with you.
Do you want me to slap you again? I hate weddings, and I hate Valentine's Day.
They were invented by breeders to sell cheap chocolate and false hope.
Do you know what I hate? Men.
Every single one of them is a pig, except maybe Mr.
Shue and Al Roker.
And you know what? You were right.
I do let men define me, but not anymore.
Like Gloria Steinem said, "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
" Al Roker is disgusting, by the way.
Whatever.
Hi.
Betty? Yes? Oh, God.
What? Did I beat you to the last handicap spot? Sorry.
I'm Artie.
Miss Pillsbury said I should look out for you? Hell, no.
Uh No.
Uh No.
Wheel away.
Wheel the hell away.
My aunt told me she was fixing me up with someone good-looking, so that was a lie.
Oh.
I mean, some people think I'm kind of nerdy-hot, so No, no, no.
Andrew Garfield is nerdy-hot.
You are Stephen Hawking's younger brother.
Miss Pillsbury didn't tell you I was in a wheelchair, did she? Um, obviously not, because I don't date losers in chairs.
But you're in a wheelchair.
Yeah, I'm also blonde, captain of the cheerleaders at my high school, and I've got this going on.
You first.
Thank you, sir.
Yep.
Oh, my gosh, Jake.
Are these for me? Yes? How did you know I love peonies? They're the queen of flowers.
Because you mentioned it in the choir room once, and Jake remembered.
Right, dude? Right.
Yeah.
I love them.
And you.
Thank you.
Had I known I was gonna get groped in the back of a Prius, I would've brought a change of clothes.
I'm gonna go in there looking The Morning After.
What am I doing? I'm sort of dating somebody in New York.
Uh, you're not in New York.
And it's not exclusive, right? You in this fey boy-tie it's my Kryptonite.
Wait, this doesn't mean that we're back together, right? No, no, no.
It's-it's cool.
I know, I know.
It's-it's This is just bros helping bros.
I love it when you talk fratty.
Tell me that's not Tina again! Hey, can you two wrap it up? The wedding is about to start, and I need my arm-gays.
Oh, my God.
You do realize how trashy blasphemous this is, right? Mercedes, everyone hooks up at weddings.
Mm-hmm.
Let's go.
This outfit needs an audience.
Oh, my God.
What are you wearing? What? This old thing? Why, it's an exact replica of your wedding dress.
Why would you do that? To get back at Will Schuester for handing a teaching position to a flabby 19-year-old.
Um Sue, I feel really scared.
I feel really overwhelmed.
I feel like I can't think straight.
I'm just really, really worried that this isn't gonna work.
Well, of course it isn't going to work.
You're a weird bird-lady with a hollow pelvis and OCD, and Will Schuester is a weepy man-child whose greatest joy in life is singing with children and whose best friend is 19.
It's just, the last time was such a disaster.
You know, I-I turned into somebody that I didn't even recognize.
If I'm wrong again, I won't survive.
Well, don't say that to Will Schuester.
He'll have you singing a stripped-down acoustic version of "I Will Survive" in front of a choir room full of teenagers with meaningful looks on their faces.
God, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
I don't feel like there's any air in here.
Today is for Emma Emma, I give you the rest of my life To cherish and to keep you To honor you forever Today is for Emma My happily soon-to-be wife Emma, we're really getting married.
Pardon me, is everybody there? Because if everybody's there I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding I'd appreciate your going even more, I mean you must have Lots of better things to do, and not a word of this to Will Remember Will, you know, the man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not 'cause I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is But I thank you all for the gifts and the flowers Thank you all, now it's back to the showers Don't tell Will, but I'm not getting married today Bless this day, tragedy of life Husband yoked to wife The heart sinks down and feels dead This dreadful day Emma, I can't find my good cuff links.
They're on the dresser.
Right next to my suicide note.
Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're Waiting for, a wedding, what's a wedding, it's a prehistoric Ritual where everybody promises fidelity forever Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard And which is followed by a honeymoon where suddenly he'll Realize he's saddled with a nut and want to kill me, which He should, so thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married Go have lunch 'cause I'm not getting Married, you've been grand, but I'm not getting married Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married, and don't Tell Will, but I'm not getting married today Go, can't you go? Look, you know I adore you all Emma, Emma, I give you But why watch me die like Eliza on the ice? The rest of my life But perhaps I'll collapse in the apse right before you all To cherish and to keep you So take back the cake, burn the shoes and boil the rice To honor you forever Look, I didn't want to have to tell you, but I may be coming Down with hepatitis and I think I'm gonna faint So if you want to see me faint I'll do it happily, but wouldn't it be funnier to go And watch a funeral, so thank you for My adorable wife The 27 dinner plates, 47 paperweights, One more thing I'm not getting married Softly say But I'm not getting married With this ring Still I'm not getting married I thee wed See, I'm not getting married Let us pray that we are getting married today! Oh, yeah.
Nice to see you all.
Hey, what do you think? Nice, huh? Thank you for coming.
Oh, look, it's all the Glee kids.
Sue.
What are you doing? I'm trying to stop this from becoming an utter fiasco.
Emma's left the building.
So, did she give you any idea why she might do this? I mean, like, leading up to today, did she tell you anything or She didn't have to tell me anything.
I left her with all this stress and planning.
She was losing it and I kept telling her that it was her usual obsessiveness.
I Yeah, but she left you at the altar, man.
I mean, that's pretty hard-core.
You think there is something else? Do you think there's do you think there's someone else? I have been chosen, probably because I'm numb to other people's feelings, to come here and ask what you would like to do, Mr.
Shue.
About what? Uh, about the reception.
Miss Pillsbury's parents say they paid for the whole thing, so we might as well go ahead and have the party and if you ask me, they seem pretty happy about what happened.
We can't have a reception now.
Sure you can.
All of you came back, you should be together.
Just because I ruined my Valentine's Day doesn't mean I have to ruin all of yours, too.
I'm gonna go see if I can find Emma.
Let's go.
We all should've known that a Valentine's Day wedding was just asking for a disaster.
Love stinks.
Sorry, ladies, can I see some I.
D.
? I'm 25.
Name's Rosario Cruz.
I might be related to Penelope.
You? Emily Stark.
Barely legal.
Well, that's good, 'cause I hear your professors are into that.
You know, we always were two ends of the same bitch-goddess spectrum.
Maybe that's why we love each other so much.
And slap each other.
You know, I have to say, Rosario, you are killing it in that dress.
Thanks.
Those romantic saps.
You know, they may have love, but you know what we are that they are not? Flawless.
I said Dance hall, dance hall I'm gonna go dance.
Dude, you are like some kind of love genius.
Do you spend all your time watching Lifetime? Marley has a wicked case of Puckerman fever, and I just need one more act of romantic awesomeness to make the condition fatal.
Do you think maybe just one of these gifts should be your idea? No, my ideas suck.
I mean, I tried to write her a poem, and the only words that I could come up with to rhyme with Marley was "barley" and "gnarly.
" Here.
It's a heart pendant from the jeweler at the mall.
It's pretty but it's not too expensive, so she won't think you stole it.
Okay, I'm going to ignore the subtly racist overtones of that comment because you are my hero.
And this is perfect.
I am so getting laid tonight.
What? Well, I mean, Marley has wanted to take things slow, and we have, which is fine, but I mean, all this romance is like nitrous.
I got us a room upstairs just in case, but I think it's gonna happen.
She's not ready for that.
She's she's just a sophomore.
She's still getting over her eating disorder.
She's not like other girls, okay? I think I'm in love with her.
And I think she's finally letting her guard down enough to love me back.
I promised you I wouldn't hurt her, right? Well, I keep my promises.
Especially to friends who are putting whatever feelings they're having aside to make something special happen for me.
When I'm with you, baby I go out of my head And I just can't get enough, and I just can't get enough All the things you do to me And everything you said I just can't get enough You know that what happened today isn't your fault, right? How do you know? Because I've seen every runaway bride movie that there is, and I know that when the bride runs away, it's never because of a random kiss, all right? It's because she knew, deep down inside, that it wasn't right.
Well, look, it's not everyday that we're in the same city, so let's dance.
And I just can't seem to get enough of We walk together We're walking down the street And I just can't get enough, and I just can't get enough Every time I think of you I know we have to meet And I just can't get enough I just can't get enough It's getting hotter It's a burning love And I just can't seem to get enough Oh, my God.
Did you not get it before? Yeah, I did.
More than you know.
You're mean and you're awful because you're angry because you're in the chair, I understand.
Wow, could you be any more reductive and handi-centric? I'm fine with my chair.
What I'm not fine with is suffering fools.
If you think that makes me mean and awful I do.
However, I find you oddly compelling, so will you dance with me? I'm pretty legendary for my dance moves.
All right, fine.
One dance.
That's all I ask.
And when it rains You're shining down for me And I just can't get enough, and I just can't get enough Just like a rainbow You know you set me free And I just can't get enough And I just can't get enough You're like an angel And you give me your love And I just can't seem to get enough of I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough Oh I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough Oh I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough It's getting hotter It's a burning love And I just can't seem to get enough of.
I'm gonna get some punch, do you want anything? Uh, yeah, I'll take a cup.
But just remember, we're not Dating, we're just here as friends, I know.
Ooh, big cupcakes.
I don't like the way you treat Blaine.
There, I said it.
You're here, you're in New York, you're at vogue.
com, you're at NYADA who are you, Kurt? Meanwhile, Blaine is here, lonely, and yes, he cheated, and we're all human, Kurt, we all deserve to be loved back, Kurt.
Okay, Tina.
I say this with total love, but the moment we all saw coming is finally here.
You're a hag.
You're hagged out, you're in love with Blaine, and it's creepy.
Stop.
What do you know about love? You just come and go.
Who's been here to support him? Me.
Who took him to Sadie Hawkins? Me.
Who put him in bed when he got sick and rubbed vapor rub on his little muscled chest while he slept Wait, what? Do you huh? What? No, I didn't mean This isn't about me, Kurt! I have to go.
Did you vapo-rape my ex-boyfriend? Don't walk away from me, Tina Cohen-Chang! Today is the day we honor Saint Valentine, a man publicly beheaded for defying his government, by exchanging candies and chocolates to nonsensically render the objects of our affection more fat and less attractive.
And in other nonsensical traditions, Emma left behind her bouquet as she fled the scene, leaving it to somebody else to toss these soon-to-be-dead flowers under the mythical belief that whoever catches them will magically become the next person to get married, or, more than likely, to sprint from the altar.
So gather round, single ladies, and allow me to be the one to enable your false dreams and ridiculous expectations.
That's weird.
See, traditionally only single girls line up to catch the bouquet.
She loves me.
I am single.
You live with a guy.
She loves me not.
Have you been drinking? You know, you were the one who told me to stop moping around and being such a sad sack.
She loves me.
A-And it got me thinking about Will and Emma.
About how relationships are a lot like flowers.
If you find the right seed, put it in good soil, give it water and sunlight Bam, perfect bud.
She loves me not.
And then comes winter and the flower dies.
But if you tend that garden, spring will come along and that flower will bloom again.
She loves me.
Are you telling me that you want to be a gardener? I'm asking you how you can live with a guy but still be single.
She loves me not.
Come on, it's New York, okay? Haven't you ever seen Sex and the City? Brody and I had a very mature conversation.
We just decided that we're not gonna, you know, put any labels on anything or worry about what we are.
She loves me.
So, do you really believe all that stuff you tell yourself about, you know, labels and mature conversations, Sex and the City, really? She loves me not.
You think I'm lying to you? I think you're lying to yourself.
She loves me.
And I think that the reason you can't really commit to Brody is because you're still in love with someone else.
She loves me not.
You? You and I both know how this thing ends.
I-I don't know how or when, and I don't care where you're living or-or what dope you're shacked up with, you're my girlfriend.
We are endgame.
I know that and you know that.
We got to go sing our duet, so Yeah.
I know it's late I know you're weary I know your plans Don't include me Still here we are Both of us lonely Longing for shelter From all that we see Why should we worry? No one will care, girl Look at the stars, now So far away We've got tonight Who needs tomorrow? We've got tonight, babe Why don't you stay? Deep in my soul I've been so lonely I've never slow-danced with a girl before.
All of my hopes are fading away I like it.
And I've longed for love Like everyone else does I know I'll keep searching After today So there it is, girl We've got it all now And here we are, babe What do you say? We've got tonight Who needs tomorrow? We've got tonight, babe Why don't we stay? I know it's late And I know you're weary I know your plans don't include me Still here we are Both of us lonely Both of us lonely We've got tonight Who needs tomorrow? Let's make it last Let's find a way Turn out the light Come take my hand now We've got tonight, babe Why don't we stay? We've got tonight, babe Why don't we Stay Tell me now that we're not back together.
I mean It was fun, but Don't.
I'm not gonna let you minimize this, Kurt.
It's no accident that we were together on Christmas and again on Valentine's Day.
And we're going to be together for many, many more, no matter how much you pretend that this doesn't mean anything.
I'll see you downstairs.
Okay.
So that's why college girls experiment.
And thank God they do.
You know, it was fun, and I've always wondered what it would be like to be with a woman, but, uh, I don't know.
I think for me it was more of a one-time thing.
Look, you don't have to worry.
I'm not going to show up at your house with a U-Haul.
So what happens next? Well, you could walk out first.
Or we could make it a two-time thing? Was it good for you? I don't know.
You? No idea.
I'm sorry.
Eh, don't be.
But you spent so much money on this room.
No, I didn't.
I just snagged a key card from the maid's cart and tried every door till one opened.
Are you serious? No.
Come on.
Can we at least make it back downstairs for another dance? Let's go.
Hello? My God.
This is amazing.
Just a little something I threw together.
Only took two whole days, but you're worth it.
Thank you.
I felt bad about us not being together on Valentine's Day, but since, uh, Kurt and Santana are out until tomorrow, I thought we could take advantage.
Did you kiss somebody else when you were away? You're kissing differently.
What if I did? I thought we were in a modern and open relationship.
Yeah, we are.
But, I mean, the key is that we are honest with each other with everything that we do.
So, did you see Finn? Finn's fine.
He lives in Ohio.
And I live here with you.
Cool? Like a cucumber.
Thank you for being honest with me.
Well, speaking of being honest, what about you, huh? Mm-hmm.
Who did you see? Who did you do? Sure there are a lot lonely girls in New York City on Valentine's Day.
I stayed at home and watched weightlifting videos.
Well, thank you for being honest with me.
Care to join me in the bedroom? Is it okay if I pass tonight? I have airplane belly.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course.
I am kind of worn out from the night before you left.
Okay, so, couch time and Yes! I will get some popcorn.
I'm glad to have you back.
I genuinely missed you.
Before you say anything, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I attacked you at the reception.
It's just, I saw you up there, singing with Blaine, and I saw the old, legendary chemistry.
I saw two soul mates rediscovering each other, and I was jealous.
Why couldn't that be me? Why can't I have that with someone? You will, just not with me.
I'm sorry that I've been throwing myself at you, making a fool of myself, hoping for something I know can never be.
It's okay, Tina.
The truth is, we've all experienced unrequited love before, and we've all done things that we wish we didn't, and we all just want to get back to being friends.
And that's just what we are.
I mean, we're just friends.
Um, well, we're going to the double feature of All About Eve and Showgirls at the revival house if you want to come with us.
Wow.
Mystery solved, Hagatha Christie.
I'm gonna be a third wheel for the rest of my life.
First of all, that's not even remotely true.
Starting right now, I'm gonna help you get a boyfriend.
And second of all, when I called you a hag, I was bringing attention to the fact that you are honoring the noble and proud tradition of hagdom.
Ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, and I, for one, am psyched that my very first hag was someone as kick-ass as Ms.
Tina Cohen-Chang.
Hey.
Sorry I didn't get to see you after the party.
I wanted to say thank you.
Uh, for what? Come on.
Jake is awesome and everything, but he's not capable of that.
Any of it.
I know it was you whispering in his ear like Cyrano.
Like who? Anyway, it was sweet.
And romantic.
And whenever you do that for someone for real, she's going to be the luckiest girl on the planet.
It was for real.
I'm sorry.
I should probably go.
Yeah.
Uh, that was a fresh cup.
Clearly it's not working.
You're sitting there looking half-asleep.
What has gotten into you, Finn? Everything.
The whole situation it sucks, and it's time to fix it.
No one ever felt better sitting around, moping, feeling sorry for themselves.
That's what Glee Club, and you, have taught me over the years.
Never shy away from a challenge, never back down.
And-and no matter what, do not give up.
I am not giving up.
I I just need time to process.
Look, there's no time to process, Mr.
Shue.
Somewhere out there right now there's a Miss Pillsbury running around who should already be a Mrs.
Schuester.
Emma needs her husband, and the New Directions! Need both of their coaches.
I'll be right by your side.
I'm your best man.
We're going to go and win nationals again together.
And together, we're gonna find your wife.
And we're gonna make things right.
Okay.
Thank you.
Surprised to see me? No.
I saw you two minutes ago.
You took forever wheeling up here.
Before I went home, I wanted to apologize for being so bitchy at the wedding.
When I get nervous, I get kind of mean.
Kind of mean? You were like Idi Amin mean.
I know, I'm working on that.
Anyway, thanks for putting up with me.
And thanks for You're, like, the best I've ever had.
And I've had a lot.
Oh, me, too.
I mean, my sexual prowess is legendary throughout the Great Lake states.
Give me your digits, woman.
Why? 'Cause this Saturday I'm taking you out.
Like on a date? Yes, definitely a date.
We'll grab some dinner, maybe see a movie Or we could just skip the dinner and movie, and Charter a private jet, fly to Paris, dance under the Arc de Triomphe in the Champs-Elysées? Yo, when you're rolling with Artie Abrams, anything can happen.
Stripped to the waist, we fall into the river Cover your eyes so you don't know the secret Yeah, since we found out Since we found out That anything could happen Anything could happen, anything could Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh After the war we said we'd fight together Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh I guess we thought that's just what humans do Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh But now I've seen it through And now I know the truth That anything could happen Anything could happen, anything could Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh Baby I'll give you everything you need I'll give you everything you need, oh But I don't think I need you Stripped to the waist, we fall into the river Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh Yeah, since we found out Since we found out That anything could happen Anything could happen, anything could I know it's gonna be I know it's gonna be I know it's gonna be I know it's gonna be I know it's gonna be I know it's gonna be All right Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, oh, yeah, oh, yeah Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Oh, yeah, ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh But I don't think I need you Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh Anything could happen.