In Living Color (1990) s04e14 Episode Script

Come and listen to the story'bout a man named Bill Hick Razorbackwith a destiny to fill But 20 years beforehe would take the oath and creed He dodged Vietnamand he toked a little weed Reefer, that is.
MaryJane.
Didn't inhale.
Well, the next thing you knowBill's the head of Arkansas Fiddlin'with the budgetand a honey from Hee Haw They said, hey, Billyou should be the chief exec - So he balanced off the ticketwith another redneck - [Whistles.]
Gore, that is.
Senator.
Tennessee.
The Capitol Hillbillies! So now it's time to say good-byeto Bush and all his kin So take that dog and Millie too'cause Bill's a-swearin'in He'd better work some miracleson this economy And not do to the countrywhat he does to Hillary Jennifer too.
Take your clothes off Y'all come again, now, ya hear? [Ends.]
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another oneof those funky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin'listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go Hey! How y'all doin'? It's me.
.
.
Benita Butrell.
Mm-hmm.
I'm just here gettin' my annual checkup.
Oh, don't worry about me, 'cause I'm the picture of health.
That's 'cause I start off every day with a big glass of prune juice.
Mm-hmm.
Miss Benita's got more movements than Beethoven's fifth symphony.
Well, lookee here.
If it ain't Gretchen Kabunkie.
Hey, girl, I don't know why you're here.
You're in perfect health.
You got a figure any woman would die for.
That's 'cause if they had a figure like that, they'd kill themselves.
That woman's so skinny, they had to tie knots in her legs to make knees.
Mm-hmm.
People in Somalia are sending her food.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
Well, lookee here.
It's Dr.
Fletcher.
How you doin', Dr.
Fletcher? What a wonderful doctor you are.
You got the best practice in the entire world.
Malpractice, that is.
Mm-hmm.
He's made more vegetables than theJolly Green Giant.
The man's so mean, he gives a rectal exam with a Freddy Krueger glove.
Why, lookee here.
If it ain't Mr.
Fisher.
Mr.
Fisher, I'm sorry to see you in pain.
Oh, boy.
I know your wife must be besides herself.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
That's 'cause she caught him sleepin' with someone besides herself.
That man wears a steel-belted condom.
Mm-hmm.
Last time she caught him cheatin', she messed up his face so bad.
.
.
it looked like you oughta dip some Doritos in it.
Oh, here comes Jan Young and her brand-new bundle.
Let me get a peek at the precious little thing.
Oh, he's cute as a bug in a rug.
More like a maggot in a diaper.
They can't let that baby play in the sandbox, 'cause the cat keeps burying it.
Oh, Miss Abbot, look at you.
You still got your jaws wired shut? Ooh, I really admire that.
You got a whole lot of guts.
Got a whole lot of guts, a whole lot of butts, and a whole lot of chins.
Mm-hmm.
If she's on a liquid diet.
.
.
that woman must be juicin' Bundt cakes.
She's so fat, after sex, she smokes a turkey.
Doctor! Doctor, come quick! My-My grandmother! What's happenin'? What's happenin'?Who is it? I think she passed out.
That's Miss Jenkins from the Hopkins projects.
[Screaming.]
Oh, Lord! Oh, no! Don't let nothin' happen to Miss Jenkins! Oh, don't let nothin' happen to Miss Jenkins! Take me! Take me! Take me! No, you don't wanna take her now! Oh! Look, I think she'll be all right.
Let's get her to the hospital.
- Come on.
- Oh! Whew! Whew! We almost lost Miss Jenkins, honey.
That was a close shave.
Oh! And, speaking of close shaves, she could use one.
That woman's got so much facial hair, she looks like Chewbacca with a weave.
But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard that from me.
Hi.
I'm Amy Fisher.
You know, the Long Island Lolita.
- And this is Joey Buttafuoco over here.
- Hey! Joey Buttafuoco over here! Hey, girls, are you a whore? Are you good with a handgun? Do you like to have sex in a car? Are you as dumb as dip, but you still wanna make a lot of money? Then take Amy's special Bang For Your Bucks seminar.
- Tell 'em, princess.
- Three simple steps.
One, you get yourself a really sexy guy.
Hey.
Joey Buttafuoco over here.
But to land yourself a really sexy guy.
.
.
first you gotta get yourself a whole lot of hair.
Anything less than two feet ain't really sexy.
- Right, Joey? - Joey Buttafuoco over here! Step two: You get yourself a gun, and you find this guy's wife.
Then you just point and shoot.
Bada-bing, bada-bang! Step three: You sell off your movie rights, your paperback rights.
Then you look for the new sitcom on Fox.
.
.
The Buttafuocos Over Here! Hey, sure, I'm gonna spend a couple of years in the slammer.
.
.
but I'm already eligible for parole in '95 over here.
And all this money spread out with three years in the clink.
.
.
that works out to, per year.
.
.
Oh, she's workin' it out! I gotta put somethin'.
.
.
Well, a whole lot of money.
So, take my seminar.
Yeah, right.
I took Amy's seminar, and nobody bought my rights.
All I did was go straight to jail.
Oops.
I almost forgot the most important step.
Step number four: Make sure that you're white.
Yeah, 'cause Hollywood only buys stories.
.
.
about white people killing each other over here! Hey, duh! Now, give me a kiss here, Joey! You come here, you! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Hey, Joey! What are you kissin' that whore for? Hey, MaryJo.
I wasn't kissin' her.
I was, uh, givin' her C.
P.
R.
Over here.
- Give me a break.
- That's myJoey.
.
.
always trying to help people over here.
All right, everybody break it up.
Visiting day is over over here.
So dial 555-LO-LITER.
I'll get you more bang for your buck.
Bada-bing, bada-bang.
It's just that simple.
Call me.
- [Whispering.]
Over here? - Over here.
[Hip-hop.]
[Man Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
[Siren Wailing.]
[Creaking.]
What's up? Yo, yo, yo, what's up? Good evening, ghetto boys and ghouls.
[Cackling.]
And welcome to my crib.
Horror you doin'? I kill me! Get it? Kill? I'm just dying to bring you another story.
.
.
from the blackest depths of terror.
Now, some folks turn white with fear.
Others Hiss-panic.
Panic! Hispanic! [Cackling.]
Some even suffer from hallucin-Asians.
Hallucin-Asians! I'm a riot.
Not my African-American brothers, though.
They're always chilling.
.
.
like my good friend.
.
.
Vanilla Ice.
Just as cold as his record sales, huh? That's for that corny-ass movie.
Tonight, I scared up a tale of fright.
.
.
that isn't your usual Hollywood Nightmare on Cracker Street.
This monster-piece of a fright was made by brothers.
.
.
for brothers, salaam alaikum.
So lock your doors and turn off the lights.
.
.
and prepare to get curdled.
.
.
blood.
Blood! [Screaming.]
[Thunderclap.]
- Oh, I'm so excited.
- I am too, baby.
Come here, girl.
Lookee here, girl.
Home, sweet home.
Honey, I just can't believe that we got this place so cheap.
- This is nice.
We can really fix this place up.
- I think so.
Make it real nice.
.
.
Hey, hey, hey.
- But, first, we gotta get this damn door fixed.
- [Man Groans.]
Did you hear that? I think we got some freaks livin' next door to us.
- You know, I was gonna tell you.
.
.
- [Woman Groans.]
- We got some super freaks up in here.
- Whoo! I hear that.
[Man Howling, Cackling.]
- Hey, maybe it's James Brown.
- You crazy.
- [Pounding.]
- There's somebody at the door.
- [Voice.]
Kill him.
- Look, man, we didn't order no Ginsu knives, man.
You need to get yourself right up off my porch.
I can't even get in my own house! - You know what I'm sayin'? - Calm yourself.
Calm yourself.
It's all right, honey.
I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna hang up my coat.
[Roaring.]
No, you won't! [Whimpering.]
You know what, girl? One thing about this place.
.
.
the rats sure are smaller.
A lot smaller.
[Rumbling.]
[Man.]
Get out of my house! - This is my house! - The hell it is! We took out a V.
A.
Loan and borrowed $3,000 for the down payment.
Then feel the burning fires ofhell! No, what you do is, you prepare to get your butt kicked.
- [Shouting Continues.]
- Yeah, yeah.
Keep it up.
Keep it up.
I'll give you somethin' to holler about.
Keep it up! You know what? Martin is comin' on in two minutes.
You need to hush up so I can see some Sheneneh.
- Shut the hell up! - [Shouting Stops.]
- My house.
- Aw, heck.
I guess we can find another houseto be our gateway to hell.
Come on! [Chuckling.]
That was.
.
.
That was fright.
.
.
That was frightfully brief, wasn't it? But, then again, my people don't fear nothin' that goes bump in the night.
.
.
unless it's comin' through the window with a shotgun.
[Cackling.]
Join me next time for another terror-ific story.
.
.
when I bring you Friday the First: Day of the Rent.
[Laughs.]
Peace! And they would've been counting those positions against our administration.
.
.
those bean counters who were doing that.
.
.
if I had appointed white men to those positions.
I'm back! Thought you could shake me, didn't ya? Well, let me ask you this: How you gonna inaugurate yourselves a new president.
.
.
if good old Ross Perot done bought up all the airtime? And that's just what I done right now.
Go ahead.
Flip the channels.
See if I ain't lyin'.
I predict a big doo-doo storm coverin' this whole dang country.
.
.
unless somebody finds me a government job but quick! [Humming.]
I'm still here.
Say, folks.
.
.
you ever notice how there's no blacks, noJews, no Puerto Ricans on TheJetsons? Future looks pretty bright, don't it? - [Crowd Booing.]
- Now, come on, now.
I don't tell you people how to dig ditches.
It's just common sense.
I got charts to prove it.
I'll come.
.
.
I'll come out there! Hello, caller.
You're on the Ross Perot Love Line.
Why don't you tell me what you're wearin'.
I'm all ears.
Now, that's downright sexy.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yep, I can almost feel you right now.
Drill for oil.
We're gonna need rented air to cap this one.
You wanna know my favorite position? Well, I'll tell you.
It's a cabinet position, dag nabbit! [Hip-hop.]
[Rapping.]
It's just that simple.
D.
J.
Ross in the house! See? I can get down with you people.
But, I'm warning ya, when I come back from this commercial.
.
.
I'm still gonna be here.
I'm gonna be all over you like Mike Tyson at a beauty pageant.
Now, "shamon.
" "Shamon," now.
[Needle Scratching Record.]
[Rapping.]
- [Theme.]
- [Announcer.]
Welcome to You Bet Your Career.
.
.
the show that gives airtimeto former stars.
.
.
with big egos and badjudgment.
For example, here's your host, Bill Cosby! [Applause.]
Thank you.
Yes, yes, yes.
Okay, cut that.
.
.
Stop! Cut that.
.
.
Thank you.
Now, you know the rules of the game.
I come out and I make silly faces.
.
.
while the contestants suck up to me.
.
.
while I make silly faces, or else I shoot 'em.
[Gibberish.]
No, I'm just kiddin'.
Now.
.
.
let me introduce to you my assistant, Mr.
T.
[Applause.]
- Hey, fool! - How you doin'? - Now, correct me if I'm wrong.
- I will, fool.
Okay.
Now.
.
.
But didn't you once have a top-rated TV series? You had your own cartoon, and you had gold around the neck.
- That's right, fool.
- Well, what happened? I was a fool.
No argument here.
Now.
.
.
let's greet our contestants for tonight.
Let's give it up for Delta Burke and Sinbad.
- [Theme.]
- [Applause.]
Bill! Man, I just gotta say one thing, man.
It is crazy out there, man! How come every time you get on an airplane, they give you them little old pillows, man? I said, " Hey, man, this ain't no pillow.
This is a tampon!" And that little baby.
.
.
That little baby be cryin', man! That little baby cryin' loud! I ain't lyin'! - Baby got a big old butt.
- Sinbad.
Sinbad, how many times do I have to tell you? You don't have to shout to be funny.
You just have to make silly faces, you know.
There you go.
Make a silly face.
Now, Delta, why in heaven's name.
.
.
did you leave Designing Women? Well, my costars thought I was gettin' a big head.
Oh, it ain't your head.
It's your big old butt! Big old greasy butt, man.
You know, what is the difference between Delta Burke and Delta Airlines, man? Twenty pounds, man! I ain't lyin'! I ain't lyin'.
Sinbad, you know, you're the only man who shampoos his hair with Tang.
Now, stop the badgerin' and the arguin'.
Now, tonight, you two will be playing.
.
.
for the walk-on part of the TV show Major Dad.
- Pick me! Pick me! I'll start the warm-up! - Pick me! Now, our category, as always, is "Bad Career Moves.
" Now, listen to the question.
This star made an awful career move when they left a popular TV series.
- That would be me.
- [Buzzer Sounds.]
- Oh! It's gotta be me.
- [Buzzer Sounds.]
No, you're both wrong.
It's me.
[Gibberish.]
Just kidding.
Now, next question.
Whose career went down the toilet this year? - Vanilla Ice.
- [Buzzer Dinging.]
That is correct.
And whose career ended this year? - Uh, Dennis Miller.
- [Buzzer Dinging.]
You are correct again.
Now, here is the bonus question.
Whose career is going to be washed up next year? - Oh! - [Together.]
Tom Arnold.
- [Buzzer Dinging.]
- You are correct again.
Now, I'm glad to say that.
.
.
Hey, what is.
.
.
What is going on, Filth, Flyin' and Floren? Can't you see that we're doin' the show here? We're repossessing this stuff, Mr.
Cosby.
How many times do I have to tell ya? You've been canceled.
What do you.
.
.
What do you mean, I've been canceled? I'm the most beloved father on television.
You don't know nothing.
I did all the voices for Fat Albert.
[Imitating Fat Albert.]
Hey, hey, hey.
Let Bill stay.
[Gibberish.]
- What are you doin'? - Need a hand? - How does 20 bucks sound? - Deal, fool! - Hey, man, let me get some of that action.
- Me too! Sinbad, Delta, how could you do this to me? - Hey, work is work.
- I don't care.
I can.
.
.
I can buy this network.
I don't need you to cancel me.
I got money.
Look at this here.
I can't be canceled! Hi.
I'm Jennifer, and this is Arthur.
.
.
and we're here to introduce Uptown/M.
C.
A.
's recording artist Father M.
C.
- [Singing.]
- All right! [Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]