Kickin' It (2011) s04e14 Episode Script

Thanks for helping me study for my entrance exam.
If I don't make it into Oxbridge university, I could end up like I'd better make it into Oxbridge.
My cousin Chuy is DJ'ing a frat party at Oxbridge.
We should all go.
Oh, yeah.
It would totally give you a chance to relax, Milton.
Relaxation does increase brain function.
Yeah, I think that's true.
My brain relaxes so hard it takes naps on me all the time.
Hey, Joan, looking good in your new security uniform.
Oh, I love this new job.
And check out my fancy utility belt.
Is that where you keep your hand cuffs and walkie-talkie? Oh, no.
My chicken niblets, and my dipping sauce.
Mmm I got my sun tea brewing on the back porch.
Hey, you guys hear the wharf is displaying Luke Skywalker's original lightsaber from the movies? I'm in charge of guarding it.
I love those movies, but is anyone gonna get that excited about a lightsaber? I mean, it's just a movie prop.
I am Rudy-Wan Kenobi.
Remember, nothing is impossible when you use the force, Jack.
Aah! Except maybe walking down stairs in a robe.
Guys, this is the skull and bones frat house, one of America's most prestigious fraternities.
Do you realize that one of the future presidents of the United States is probably in this room right now? I ate too much cake! I'm gonna hurl! Yeah! If it's him, he's got my vote.
Dude, my cousin chuy said that they have an antique Cannon in the backyard that they blast chocolate pudding out of.
- Let's go check it out! - How sick is that?! No, guys, don't leave me! Gah! Wow, look at all these trophies.
These guys are impressive.
Whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh! - You doing okay there, buddy? - Yeah, just whoa! You might want to take that off.
That's J.
P.
's hurling cup.
Oh! Get it off me, get it off me! Tom Buchanan, president of the skull and bones.
And you're Milton Krupnick.
I've heard of you.
You have? Junior astronaut, assistant to famed inventor Derek Tanner, accepted into Biltmore Academy.
Oh.
You're leaving out that I learned to whistle in the womb.
You know, we're always looking for skull and bones prospects.
That could be you.
My dad's the Dean of admissions here at Oxbridge.
Your dad is Arthur Winslow Buchanan, yachting expert and bird-watching enthusiast? Some boys like sports I like deans.
Relax, have a good time.
I take care of my friends.
Jack! Jerry! I'm ready to party! Pudding Cannon! Hey, so what are you doing for Kim's birthday now that she's in Japan? Well, the Otai aAademy is really strict.
They only allow one phone call a month to keep their students focused on their studies.
Kim's saved her call and we're gonna facetalk tonight.
Oh-ho, cool.
Yeah, I thought about sending something to Kim.
But you didn't? Why would I? It's the thought that counts.
- Dude, check it out.
- Whoa! Whoo-hoo! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oooh! Whoa! Sorry, you lose! Who else thinks they can finish the "extreme road trip challenge"? Just survive the trip from California to New York, and you win this Yamasuki dirt bike! But if you fall off the bike, you lose.
Oh! I'm up for the challenge, my friend.
Let me show you how a real man rides a hog.
Aah! Sorry, you lose.
Why'd that hog have to be so loud? All right, it's a lightsaber.
Take a quick look and move on, people.
Or the empire won't be the only thing striking back! That nerd got it.
Hey! Would it be all right if I took a picture? Well, it's against policy, but I guess one photo wouldn't hurt.
I call this one, uh shady lady.
You're welcome.
Tom, I have horrible news.
I stayed so late at your party, I fell asleep during my college exam, before I even finished writing my name.
Milton, relax.
Your exams don't matter, my dad's gonna get you in.
Soon you'll be one of us.
Oh, I don't know how I'll ever thank you.
I wish you could help me get a picture holding that lightsaber.
I'm never gonna get one with that crazy security guard here.
Well, it is almost time for her dinner break in her office.
That's perfect.
You go in there and turn off the security system, I get a cool picture, and then I put it right back.
Come on.
Help a future brother.
Well, I guess I can distract her for a minute.
It'll be tough, though.
Since she was made chief of security she takes her job very seriously.
I call this pose "the naughty kitten.
" Bad kitty! I'll see what I can do.
Oh! Granny down! - Thanks for trying, Nana.
- Whoo! Jack.
Jack, you gotta win this bike for me, man.
Oh, help me, Jack, you're my only hope.
I'd like to help you, Jerry, but I can't miss my birthday facetalk with Kim, or I won't be able to talk to her for another month.
Well, you at least gotta try.
Give me your phone.
If she calls you, I'll let you know and you can just hop off the bike.
- Fine.
- Oh! You're the man! Awesome! You start at the desert! This isn't so bad.
Uh-oh, looks like trouble.
There's some kind of storm brewin', but what kind is it? I'm gonna go with sandstorm! Yeah! You got this, Jack! Whoo! Road's about to get bumpy! Hang on there, Jack! Hey, Joan.
To celebrate your new job, I got you a little something from the stud muffin bakery.
Oh! Whoo-wee! That's a good-looking muffin! Oh, and he brought snacks.
Well, let's give your pumpkin muffin a little nibble, shall we Carl? Mm Cute guys, terrible muffins.
Oh! Oh, dear! Oh, okay, well! Look who's dropping by for another surprise inspection, the mall manager.
Well, don't you worry, I have had the lightsaber under video surveillance the whole time, and never have I taken these eyes off - Holy Hannah! - It's gone! You! You stole the lightsaber! Whoa whoa whoa! Nobody addresses our president without first greeting him with the secret handshake.
You! You stole the lightsaber! - You used me! - No, you helped me.
That's what brothers do.
Every president of the skull and bones has to steal a valuable trophy for our legacy room in this house.
- The legacy room? - It's a hidden chamber that contains awesome, one-of-a-kind collectibles.
It's also a cool place to go if you need to do something in private.
You know, like cry, rip one, crochet J.
P.
! The only trophy we don't keep in there is our Muhammad Ali alarm clock.
Muhammad Ali's alarm clock? So you stole the lightsaber to put in the legacy room? I did.
But that was before I found a buyer that'll give me twenty thousand dollars for it.
And with the money, I'm flying us all to Cancun on spring break.
Spring break! Ooh! I'm not going to Cancun.
I'm going to the police.
You got my friend Joan in trouble.
Okay, Milton.
You go to the police, and you tell them that you're the one who turned off the security system.
Or This skull and bones ring is a symbol of brotherhood.
You put this ring on, and my dad will get you into Oxbridge and your future will be set.
- What do you say? - I do.
Just one more mile and we win the bike.
I thought you told me this contest was impossible to win! I'm not giving away that bike! Let's hit him with the tornado! Whoa! - I can't hold on! - No, you got this, Jack! Use the force, Jack.
- But it's impossible! - I said use it! - Yes! - Oh! - We won! - Yes! Looks like we have a winner.
I couldn't be happier.
Thank you.
- Dude dude, we won! - Bro! That was incredible.
How did you do that? You're not going to believe this, but I think it was The force.
All right, people, new rule, okay? From now on, no one can use the force.
Are you kidding me? Kim called fifteen times and you didn't tell me? You seemed busy.
"Guess you can't talk.
Maybe next month.
Going to bed.
" Jerry, you knew how important this call was to me.
- I thought you were my friend.
- Whoa whoa, Jack, wait! Look, I can't let you walk away like this.
You have the keys to my bike.
Milton, you gotta help me, man.
- Joan was fired.
- What? Joan was fired? Yeah, and she can't pay her rent, so she moved in here with her cat.
- That's a loud cat.
- That was Joan.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
My boss took away my badge.
She took away my taser! But you know what I hated losing the most? Your dignity? My utility belt.
Without it I'm just some sad woman walking around with ranch dressing in her pants.
Since I made you miss your birthday facetalk with Kim, I got her sensei to make an exception and I set up another one.
Really? Kim? Jack, are you there? Kim, I can hear you, but I can't see you.
What is up with your computer? - Is that better? - Kim! Kim, what you're here! How are you here? Jerry sold his motorcycle and bought me a round-trip ticket from Japan.
You're my friend, Jack.
And what I did was wrong.
Well, you made up for it, Jerry.
Well, guys, I just met with Tom's dad.
And it's official After I graduate high school, I'll be accepted to Oxbridge.
Yeah! Hello? Oh, you're pulling up now? You're early.
No no no, that's fine.
That's fine.
That's the buyer, he's here for the lightsaber.
This guy is the biggest "Star Wars" memorabilia collector in the world, and nobody knows his identity.
How does he keep his identity a secret? Let's make this fast.
Yes, sir, I know you're a busy man.
No, I had a large Mexican breakfast and it's a living nightmare in here.
Hair, freeze-bags! I mean, freeze, hair-bags! It's a trap! To the death star! I mean, my mini-van.
You're not going anywhere, wheezy.
Joan, what are you doing here? Oh, you think you're so smart.
You shut off my security cameras, but you forgot about Phil's.
Gah! Guys, I'm sorry.
And when the cops see the footage on this flash drive, you all are going to jail! No no, we can't go to jail! Our tickets to Cancun are non-refundable! Tom, I have an idea.
She doesn't make much money.
I think I got a way out of this.
Just do whatever it takes, man.
Okay.
Uh, Joan.
How about $20,000 and we forget this whole thing? Are you trying to bribe me for $20,000? I have dedicated my life to upholding the law.
What about 25,000? I'm in.
Tom, we don't have another $5,000.
Yes, we do.
Pick something out.
This room is full of things the skull and bones have stolen over the years.
Did you hear all that, president Mcintyre? I certainly did.
Nice work, Milton.
- What's going on? - What's going on is you just got hustled.
That's not the buyer.
That's my sensei, Rudy.
Oh, I'm like a Dutch oven with a cape.
And this flash drive, nothing on it.
As president of the university, I'm banning the skull and bones fraternity from the Oxbridge campus forever, and returning all of this stuff to their rightful owners.
Hmm, looks like you boys are going to jail.
Oh, please tell me that jail is in Cancun.
Rudy, you've had that lightsaber for ten minutes.
Let someone else hold it! A powerful jedi like me can never be separated from his lightsab Aah! Take it, take it! Sorry, I'm late, I had to escape imperial forces that had me trapped in quadrant seven.
Is that code for some bullies locked you in the dumpster behind the alley? Affirmative, master Jerry.
I gotta get going.
It was good seeing you guys.
- You too.
- We'll miss you.
Next time bring gifts.
- Can't you stay one more day? - I'm sorry, Jack.
You know how it is.
Hey, even though we're like six thousand miles away, I never stop thinking about you.
I feel the same way.
Yo, Rudy, can you teach me to use the force? So I can win more stuff? The force isn't for winning stuff.
It's a a spiritual power you feel deep inside you when you've got something to fight for.
I'm sorry, I couldn't stop them.
Just hang on, I'm coming for you.
- They're too strong.
- No.
Not if we're together.
But we're not.
It's too late.
Forget about me, Jack.
No! Drop your weapon! Aah! Uh! Give it up! You'll never save her! Where is she? Join us, and I will take you to her.
Never.
Then suffer the consequences.
Aah! This is pointless.
She's already one of us.
Liar! Uh! I'm coming for you.
Jack! Jack, my flight just got cancelled! I don't leave until tomorrow! Oh, my! Whoa!