Mad About You s04e14 Episode Script
Fertility
Sweetie, Did you write a check to the gas co * tell me why * * i love you like i do * * tell me who * * can stop my heart as much as you * * let's take each other's hand * * as we jump into * * the final frontier * * i'm mad about you, baby * * yeah * * i'm mad about you * * whoo-Hoo * So? I'm getting it.
Are you sure? Know how you feel it coming? Of course.
You feel it? I'm getting it.
Well, just don't.
What are you wearing? Pants.
Pants? Yes, pants.
Those aren't pants.
Are those pants? They're cute.
They're pajama bottoms.
What, so pajama bottoms are not pants now? Aren't you filming the pandas at the zoo today? I am.
Yes.
You're going out in public? Yes.
In your pajama bottoms? That's right.
Will the crew respect a director Who runs around in his pajamas? You ever seen my crew? They got their pants halfway down their ass.
They're going to look up to pajamas.
Here it comes.
You feel it? Yes, i feel it coming.
Maybe this time it won't come.
And here it is.
Put some pants on.
Every month it's like this.
The truth is, they're not really periods.
They're more like exclamation points.
Poor kid.
Are you all right? Yes.
She's getting depressed.
I keep telling her it's only been four months.
Just relax.
You can't tell someone to just relax.
It's the worst possible advice ever.
That's what i was hoping to do.
My plan was give her the worst advice possible.
I'm making an appointment with dr.
Stein.
Who? Dr stein.
The fertility guy? Why? Don't.
I have to.
He won't see you until after six months.
So i'll lie.
You can't lie about that.
Why? Why can't i say i've been infertile for two years? You Yeah, exactly.
How are they going to check? It's on the honor system.
All right, fran, i'm ready.
Oh, that.
I didn't realize what a bad day it was.
It can wait.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm fine.
Tell me.
Are you sure? Yes.
Of course.
All right.
Mindy bressack is having twins.
See? No, no.
Are you kidding me? Mindy bressack is having twins? We are failures as breeders.
We are put here to breed.
We have failed.
That's a leap.
It's true.
We've tried.
We failed.
That's a little bit harsh.
Yes.
Have we tried? Yes.
Have we failed? O.
K.
, we've tried and failed.
I never should have told you this story.
You asked.
Fran, it's fine.
People get pregnant.
People have babies.
That's just the way it is.
We just haven't gotten lucky.
Mindy bressack's husband is practically a eunuch.
I've told you, you really just have to learn to What? To what, relax? I wasn't going to say that.
To be as upset as you want.
I can't just wait another two months.
We've got to do something.
It's making me crazy.
You know what mark and i did? It sure was fun.
Nobody's going to say "what?" What? What? We rented a room at a fancy hotel.
We ordered room service and champagne.
That sounds like fun.
Room service, champagne.
Room service, champagne.
Good.
I got to go to the zoo.
In your pajamas? Yes, in my pajamas.
Know what you should do? Come on! What? What? Thank you.
You should talk to mark.
We will talk to mark.
Pandas, they get paid by the hour.
Morning, everybody.
Good morning.
How you doing? What? Nothing.
They're practically the same as pants.
All right.
Hey, is that the new light meter? Yeah.
Isn't it a beaut? Yeah.
Can i see it? Well, all right.
Look, be careful.
I had this custom-Made for me in japan.
I just want to see the thing.
Whoa! Whoa! Not my fault.
Not my fault.
Whose fault was it? We'll climb down there.
I'm not climbing down.
You dropped it.
Somebody has to go and get it.
Yeah.
You got any ideas? Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing? Just working.
Working, huh? Trying to get a light reading.
So you haven't shot anything yet? Haven't shot, no.
What are you writing? Nothing.
By the way, where the hell are the bears? They're in there.
Uh-Huh.
You sure? 'Cause i don't see them.
They're probably just a little nervous with the lights.
They'll come out.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
I think there's a problem here.
I'm calling the office.
Say, is that your new phone? Sure is.
Just got it.
Can i see it? This doesn't work.
I've been reading this same issue of tennis Since i've been coming here.
What is so humiliating about this? You don't see it? No.
I would like to watch tv like this.
Hey, mark.
How are you? Your last exam was three months ago.
We're just here to chat.
My little bride is concerned.
It's been four months.
We're not pregnant.
I understand fully your anxiety.
However, clinically, it's too early To draw any conclusions.
So there's nothing we can do? Well, people will tell you just to relax.
Anybody who says that is an idiot.
How can you relax With all that tension and anxiety? So there must be something we can do.
There's lots of things.
They're a little unconventional, And how effective they are is debatable, But i've seen them work.
Like what? Like what? Like, uh, i don't know, For instance, uh, yams.
Yams? Yams have been known to raise the estrogen level.
So yams, as opposed to sweet potatoes? Sweet potatoes good for nothing.
Worthless little tuber, but yams So, yams, yeah.
And then there's chi.
Chi? Chi is an energy.
Asians believe infertility is caused By a blockage of the spleen flow.
What does the spleen do? Nobody knows.
I thought so.
There's a health-Food store on 6th Great, great store, They have organic herbs and tonics, And they have a whole section related to fertility.
The corner of 6th? Yeah.
Then, of course, the fur people believe The fur people? The fur people.
It's a tribe in the sahara.
They have this tribal fertility dance.
Fertility dance? Believe it or not, They have the highest recorded fertility rate in the world.
Seriously? I'd like to see a little of the actual dance.
I bet you would.
Before we sign on.
Show us a little bit.
It's very complicated.
Show us a little bit.
To the sun, you know, And to the earth, And the fire, you know, And the rain, wind, and sun, And the earth and the fire And the wind and the fire.
You watch it on tape.
You'll see.
Look at all this stuff.
Where do you begin? Look at the labels.
Maybe they specify for fertility.
Senility.
Sterility.
Irritability.
Fertility.
Here we go.
Wild yam root.
That's the root of the actual wild yam.
It says "take with meals.
" Take that with meals.
Blessed thistle.
Thistle? Thistle.
That's the blessed thistle.
It's not regular thistle.
That's the blessed thistle.
I wish they had regular thistle.
I get a little bloated from the blessed.
"Take on an empty stomach.
" This is empty.
That's full stomach.
Remember full.
I'll remember empty.
I got full.
You got empty.
Full stomach, full stomach, full stomach.
You ever eat cramp bark? I've always wanted to.
Look, honey.
Dong quai.
What is it? Dong quai.
Dong "ki.
" Dong quai.
"Ki.
" Quai.
"Ki.
" Dong "ki.
" Quai.
How do you know? Let it be "ki.
" I just can't.
Grow up, would you? You can steam it, You can roast it, you can steep it like a tea.
You can take it three times a day.
Or take it six times a day.
You can not take this at all and it still helps you.
That's the kind of miracle herb this is.
Fertility recipes.
Do we have a pressure cooker? Sure, we do.
Put this stuff into the pressure cooker And make a stew.
We've been doing it all wrong.
Apparently, babies come from stew.
The spleen point connects to the lung point, And then the kidney, You get the express to west broadway.
Wow.
Smell this.
Ooh! Ow! Do we eat that Or lob it into a room full of anarchists? Don't make fun.
I have to eat it.
We're going to go rub you, unblock your spleen.
We'll get so much chi, we'll have to clean it up.
You know, i've read That sperm counts have mysteriously declined 50% In the last 75 years.
You know why? Fluoride.
You have to get checked.
I will, But first, let's rub you.
Come on.
the last 75 years.
So my father would have a better chance Of getting you pregnant than me? Yes.
Statistically, yes, he would.
A little frightening.
Here we go.
Don't look.
You're relaxing.
O.
K.
, so it's point "b," "b-1.
" And "gv-26.
" You know something? I think i feel something.
Foolish? I may very well be feeling my spleen unblocking.
Really? It's wild.
O.
K.
, this connects to the spleen, And then this connects to your fax modem.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe i'm getting worked up over nothing.
Maybe i just have to relax.
It's ironic, though, isn't it? I mean I'm the only boy in my family.
I only have sisters.
Yeah.
So, technically, i could be the last buchman.
Honey, i wouldn't worry about that.
No.
I'm not worried about it.
It's just You know, if you think about it, There's a whole lot of buchmans.
If it stops with me, Suddenly i could be the very last one.
Honey.
That's wild.
Who'd follow in my footsteps? I'm the last buchman.
I'm sure somebody would.
That's a wild thought.
Hi, paul buchman.
I'm the last one.
Say hello.
There are no more.
Can i have the number for buchman? There are none.
I'm the end of the line.
Get a hold of yourself.
I felt my spleen block up.
It'll be o.
K.
Just relax.
[Explosion.]
My god.
What was that? That was my spleen, i think.
Oh, god.
Did you follow the instructions? Yes.
"Cook until food explodes.
" I just thought i'd ask.
God, it stinks in here.
God, it's overwhelming.
Did you call the hotel? Yes.
Come on.
What about murray? Welcome to the slackton Flagship property of the transpacific, five winds, Merman family chain of hotels.
Would you like a brochure? Sure.
Here you go.
This highlights our 400 transpacific, five winds, Merman family chain of hotels worldwide.
I'm sorry to trouble you, But my aunt will be traveling soon.
Do you have another brochure? Of course! Here you go.
Can i interest you in our transpacific, five winds, Merman hotels membership club? Is there a form? Yes.
I've got one here somewhere.
Here you go.
Each time you check into a transpacific, Five winds, merman family chain of hotels, You build up valuable bonus points, Which could lead to free stays At specially selected participating Transpacific, five winds, merman family chain of hotels In the continental united states And belize.
Do you have a pen? Right here.
Thanks.
Oops.
Allow me.
Aah! Whoa! Hi.
My wife had to, uhsomething.
We just want to check in, please.
Do you have a reservation? Sure do.
Buchman.
Buchman with a "k"? Uh, "ch.
" [Germanic pronunciation.]
ahh, buchman.
It's buchman, actually.
[Germanic pronunciation.]
buchman.
It's buchman.
[Germanic pronunciation.]
buchman, buchman, buchman.
Buchman, buchman, buchman.
[Germanic pronunciation.]
buchman.
Are you german? No.
Buchman.
It really is.
Buchman sounds german.
Yeah.
It's not.
Oh, did you know english is germany's second language? Did not.
Yeah.
Can i be totally honest with you? Oh, of course.
Just sign here.
Here are your keys.
Thank you.
My wife and i were I almost forgot.
Can i interest you in discount passes To our transpacific, five winds, Merman family chain of hotels breakfast buffet? Here is the thing.
They're in the back.
I'll be right back.
O.
K.
Hey, you.
Know what? I was doing a lot of thinking in there.
I was thinking about this "last buchman" thing.
I knew you would care.
[Knock on door.]
Who is it? Room service.
Oh.
Hey.
I just couldn't see spending $49 for a piece of fruit.
Wow, paul.
Pretty swanky digs.
Who are you, the bowery boys? You know something? I've never been in one of these fancy hotels.
Nice, huh? Very nice.
Oh, paulie, jamie's sleeping.
When she sleeps, she's dead to the world.
What? Ha ha.
Let me try.
It's not even sleep.
It's like a medical condition with her.
Hey, hey, hey, we talked about this.
Hey, knock it off.
I should go, huh? Stick around.
We're good.
Wow.
Oh, hey, you got the porno channel? You know what? I don't know.
Oh, hey, here we go.
Forrest hump.
That's disgusting.
I didn't write it.
I just watch it.
Let me ask you something.
Does it bother you to know That if we don't procreate soon, That it is the end of the buchman dynasty? Dynasty? Yeah.
The mings had a dynasty.
The buchmans got a puppy and fish in the freezer.
We are it.
If we don't produce an heir, it's all over.
If we are it, it deserves to be all over.
It doesn't bother you? No, it doesn't bother me.
We're the last buchmans.
Paulie, so what? So what? You see any little shakespeares running around? You ever hear of michelangelo junior? The father of our country, George washington, had no kids.
Moses had no kids.
Will the world be poorer Because you haven't produced an heir? That is no reason to have kids.
It's pure ego.
A child should be the product Of the natural, organic love Between two committed people.
Now, please, Can we watch the porno channel? Moses had no kids? I don't know.
Hi.
Sorry i'm late.
You're 14 minutes late.
Yeah, all right.
I did some reading.
These bears aren't coming out.
Well, they have to.
This is their mating season.
Pandas mating.
Super.
Let's get some of that.
They won't do it under these conditions.
Why not? It's just too much.
Everybody's looking.
It's too much pressure.
Pressure? If we don't get some footage of pandas pronto, We're packing and pulling the plug.
Do you get my point? Do you know how much you just spit on me? You're the director.
What if they don't come out? I'll buy you a balloon and some nuts.
I don't know.
Let me just think about this.
Let's take five minutes.
Everybody, take five.
That's great.
Uptight pandas.
You don't have this with trained animals.
They mate on cue.
They're in heat three days a year.
Three days? That's it? That's such a Such a little window of heat.
Little window of heat.
Who was in that? This was melissa gilbert and george peppard, i believe.
Hey, hey, hey.
There they there they are.
You bet.
They're moving.
They're not just moving.
They're mating.
How will we get this? The crew's on five.
I'll get it.
You and me.
Ooh, hold my camera one second.
This is unbelievable.
This is unbelievable.
Grab my belt.
All right.
If i'm like Give me the camera.
Aah! Want to get my phone? It's right over there.
Listen to this.
Shh.
Hi.
What happened to you? I fell in the panda pit.
Oh, god.
Are you all right? Let me tell you what happened.
The bears mated.
They mated? It was the most amazing thing.
The crew was on a five, So nobody's around.
And you could see these bears They're from another country.
They're on the verge of extinction.
They could be the last pandas.
Still, with all that pressure, They just kind of went "the hell with it.
" Was it romantic? Yeah.
Interestingly, actually, The male panda, he puts his paw On the woman's shoulder, And then he like, he pulled her to his lap.
And then funny he takes off her sweater.
Wearing a sweater, was she? She was wearing a little panda sweater.
And then he just The male panda said he said, uh, "We just have to relax.
" By the way, i'm awake.
So, you're a german shepherd? German short-Haired pointer? Schnauzer? Dachshund? Affenpinscher? Rhine terrier? Bavarian munchhound?
Are you sure? Know how you feel it coming? Of course.
You feel it? I'm getting it.
Well, just don't.
What are you wearing? Pants.
Pants? Yes, pants.
Those aren't pants.
Are those pants? They're cute.
They're pajama bottoms.
What, so pajama bottoms are not pants now? Aren't you filming the pandas at the zoo today? I am.
Yes.
You're going out in public? Yes.
In your pajama bottoms? That's right.
Will the crew respect a director Who runs around in his pajamas? You ever seen my crew? They got their pants halfway down their ass.
They're going to look up to pajamas.
Here it comes.
You feel it? Yes, i feel it coming.
Maybe this time it won't come.
And here it is.
Put some pants on.
Every month it's like this.
The truth is, they're not really periods.
They're more like exclamation points.
Poor kid.
Are you all right? Yes.
She's getting depressed.
I keep telling her it's only been four months.
Just relax.
You can't tell someone to just relax.
It's the worst possible advice ever.
That's what i was hoping to do.
My plan was give her the worst advice possible.
I'm making an appointment with dr.
Stein.
Who? Dr stein.
The fertility guy? Why? Don't.
I have to.
He won't see you until after six months.
So i'll lie.
You can't lie about that.
Why? Why can't i say i've been infertile for two years? You Yeah, exactly.
How are they going to check? It's on the honor system.
All right, fran, i'm ready.
Oh, that.
I didn't realize what a bad day it was.
It can wait.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm fine.
Tell me.
Are you sure? Yes.
Of course.
All right.
Mindy bressack is having twins.
See? No, no.
Are you kidding me? Mindy bressack is having twins? We are failures as breeders.
We are put here to breed.
We have failed.
That's a leap.
It's true.
We've tried.
We failed.
That's a little bit harsh.
Yes.
Have we tried? Yes.
Have we failed? O.
K.
, we've tried and failed.
I never should have told you this story.
You asked.
Fran, it's fine.
People get pregnant.
People have babies.
That's just the way it is.
We just haven't gotten lucky.
Mindy bressack's husband is practically a eunuch.
I've told you, you really just have to learn to What? To what, relax? I wasn't going to say that.
To be as upset as you want.
I can't just wait another two months.
We've got to do something.
It's making me crazy.
You know what mark and i did? It sure was fun.
Nobody's going to say "what?" What? What? We rented a room at a fancy hotel.
We ordered room service and champagne.
That sounds like fun.
Room service, champagne.
Room service, champagne.
Good.
I got to go to the zoo.
In your pajamas? Yes, in my pajamas.
Know what you should do? Come on! What? What? Thank you.
You should talk to mark.
We will talk to mark.
Pandas, they get paid by the hour.
Morning, everybody.
Good morning.
How you doing? What? Nothing.
They're practically the same as pants.
All right.
Hey, is that the new light meter? Yeah.
Isn't it a beaut? Yeah.
Can i see it? Well, all right.
Look, be careful.
I had this custom-Made for me in japan.
I just want to see the thing.
Whoa! Whoa! Not my fault.
Not my fault.
Whose fault was it? We'll climb down there.
I'm not climbing down.
You dropped it.
Somebody has to go and get it.
Yeah.
You got any ideas? Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing? Just working.
Working, huh? Trying to get a light reading.
So you haven't shot anything yet? Haven't shot, no.
What are you writing? Nothing.
By the way, where the hell are the bears? They're in there.
Uh-Huh.
You sure? 'Cause i don't see them.
They're probably just a little nervous with the lights.
They'll come out.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
I think there's a problem here.
I'm calling the office.
Say, is that your new phone? Sure is.
Just got it.
Can i see it? This doesn't work.
I've been reading this same issue of tennis Since i've been coming here.
What is so humiliating about this? You don't see it? No.
I would like to watch tv like this.
Hey, mark.
How are you? Your last exam was three months ago.
We're just here to chat.
My little bride is concerned.
It's been four months.
We're not pregnant.
I understand fully your anxiety.
However, clinically, it's too early To draw any conclusions.
So there's nothing we can do? Well, people will tell you just to relax.
Anybody who says that is an idiot.
How can you relax With all that tension and anxiety? So there must be something we can do.
There's lots of things.
They're a little unconventional, And how effective they are is debatable, But i've seen them work.
Like what? Like what? Like, uh, i don't know, For instance, uh, yams.
Yams? Yams have been known to raise the estrogen level.
So yams, as opposed to sweet potatoes? Sweet potatoes good for nothing.
Worthless little tuber, but yams So, yams, yeah.
And then there's chi.
Chi? Chi is an energy.
Asians believe infertility is caused By a blockage of the spleen flow.
What does the spleen do? Nobody knows.
I thought so.
There's a health-Food store on 6th Great, great store, They have organic herbs and tonics, And they have a whole section related to fertility.
The corner of 6th? Yeah.
Then, of course, the fur people believe The fur people? The fur people.
It's a tribe in the sahara.
They have this tribal fertility dance.
Fertility dance? Believe it or not, They have the highest recorded fertility rate in the world.
Seriously? I'd like to see a little of the actual dance.
I bet you would.
Before we sign on.
Show us a little bit.
It's very complicated.
Show us a little bit.
To the sun, you know, And to the earth, And the fire, you know, And the rain, wind, and sun, And the earth and the fire And the wind and the fire.
You watch it on tape.
You'll see.
Look at all this stuff.
Where do you begin? Look at the labels.
Maybe they specify for fertility.
Senility.
Sterility.
Irritability.
Fertility.
Here we go.
Wild yam root.
That's the root of the actual wild yam.
It says "take with meals.
" Take that with meals.
Blessed thistle.
Thistle? Thistle.
That's the blessed thistle.
It's not regular thistle.
That's the blessed thistle.
I wish they had regular thistle.
I get a little bloated from the blessed.
"Take on an empty stomach.
" This is empty.
That's full stomach.
Remember full.
I'll remember empty.
I got full.
You got empty.
Full stomach, full stomach, full stomach.
You ever eat cramp bark? I've always wanted to.
Look, honey.
Dong quai.
What is it? Dong quai.
Dong "ki.
" Dong quai.
"Ki.
" Quai.
"Ki.
" Dong "ki.
" Quai.
How do you know? Let it be "ki.
" I just can't.
Grow up, would you? You can steam it, You can roast it, you can steep it like a tea.
You can take it three times a day.
Or take it six times a day.
You can not take this at all and it still helps you.
That's the kind of miracle herb this is.
Fertility recipes.
Do we have a pressure cooker? Sure, we do.
Put this stuff into the pressure cooker And make a stew.
We've been doing it all wrong.
Apparently, babies come from stew.
The spleen point connects to the lung point, And then the kidney, You get the express to west broadway.
Wow.
Smell this.
Ooh! Ow! Do we eat that Or lob it into a room full of anarchists? Don't make fun.
I have to eat it.
We're going to go rub you, unblock your spleen.
We'll get so much chi, we'll have to clean it up.
You know, i've read That sperm counts have mysteriously declined 50% In the last 75 years.
You know why? Fluoride.
You have to get checked.
I will, But first, let's rub you.
Come on.
the last 75 years.
So my father would have a better chance Of getting you pregnant than me? Yes.
Statistically, yes, he would.
A little frightening.
Here we go.
Don't look.
You're relaxing.
O.
K.
, so it's point "b," "b-1.
" And "gv-26.
" You know something? I think i feel something.
Foolish? I may very well be feeling my spleen unblocking.
Really? It's wild.
O.
K.
, this connects to the spleen, And then this connects to your fax modem.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe i'm getting worked up over nothing.
Maybe i just have to relax.
It's ironic, though, isn't it? I mean I'm the only boy in my family.
I only have sisters.
Yeah.
So, technically, i could be the last buchman.
Honey, i wouldn't worry about that.
No.
I'm not worried about it.
It's just You know, if you think about it, There's a whole lot of buchmans.
If it stops with me, Suddenly i could be the very last one.
Honey.
That's wild.
Who'd follow in my footsteps? I'm the last buchman.
I'm sure somebody would.
That's a wild thought.
Hi, paul buchman.
I'm the last one.
Say hello.
There are no more.
Can i have the number for buchman? There are none.
I'm the end of the line.
Get a hold of yourself.
I felt my spleen block up.
It'll be o.
K.
Just relax.
[Explosion.]
My god.
What was that? That was my spleen, i think.
Oh, god.
Did you follow the instructions? Yes.
"Cook until food explodes.
" I just thought i'd ask.
God, it stinks in here.
God, it's overwhelming.
Did you call the hotel? Yes.
Come on.
What about murray? Welcome to the slackton Flagship property of the transpacific, five winds, Merman family chain of hotels.
Would you like a brochure? Sure.
Here you go.
This highlights our 400 transpacific, five winds, Merman family chain of hotels worldwide.
I'm sorry to trouble you, But my aunt will be traveling soon.
Do you have another brochure? Of course! Here you go.
Can i interest you in our transpacific, five winds, Merman hotels membership club? Is there a form? Yes.
I've got one here somewhere.
Here you go.
Each time you check into a transpacific, Five winds, merman family chain of hotels, You build up valuable bonus points, Which could lead to free stays At specially selected participating Transpacific, five winds, merman family chain of hotels In the continental united states And belize.
Do you have a pen? Right here.
Thanks.
Oops.
Allow me.
Aah! Whoa! Hi.
My wife had to, uhsomething.
We just want to check in, please.
Do you have a reservation? Sure do.
Buchman.
Buchman with a "k"? Uh, "ch.
" [Germanic pronunciation.]
ahh, buchman.
It's buchman, actually.
[Germanic pronunciation.]
buchman.
It's buchman.
[Germanic pronunciation.]
buchman, buchman, buchman.
Buchman, buchman, buchman.
[Germanic pronunciation.]
buchman.
Are you german? No.
Buchman.
It really is.
Buchman sounds german.
Yeah.
It's not.
Oh, did you know english is germany's second language? Did not.
Yeah.
Can i be totally honest with you? Oh, of course.
Just sign here.
Here are your keys.
Thank you.
My wife and i were I almost forgot.
Can i interest you in discount passes To our transpacific, five winds, Merman family chain of hotels breakfast buffet? Here is the thing.
They're in the back.
I'll be right back.
O.
K.
Hey, you.
Know what? I was doing a lot of thinking in there.
I was thinking about this "last buchman" thing.
I knew you would care.
[Knock on door.]
Who is it? Room service.
Oh.
Hey.
I just couldn't see spending $49 for a piece of fruit.
Wow, paul.
Pretty swanky digs.
Who are you, the bowery boys? You know something? I've never been in one of these fancy hotels.
Nice, huh? Very nice.
Oh, paulie, jamie's sleeping.
When she sleeps, she's dead to the world.
What? Ha ha.
Let me try.
It's not even sleep.
It's like a medical condition with her.
Hey, hey, hey, we talked about this.
Hey, knock it off.
I should go, huh? Stick around.
We're good.
Wow.
Oh, hey, you got the porno channel? You know what? I don't know.
Oh, hey, here we go.
Forrest hump.
That's disgusting.
I didn't write it.
I just watch it.
Let me ask you something.
Does it bother you to know That if we don't procreate soon, That it is the end of the buchman dynasty? Dynasty? Yeah.
The mings had a dynasty.
The buchmans got a puppy and fish in the freezer.
We are it.
If we don't produce an heir, it's all over.
If we are it, it deserves to be all over.
It doesn't bother you? No, it doesn't bother me.
We're the last buchmans.
Paulie, so what? So what? You see any little shakespeares running around? You ever hear of michelangelo junior? The father of our country, George washington, had no kids.
Moses had no kids.
Will the world be poorer Because you haven't produced an heir? That is no reason to have kids.
It's pure ego.
A child should be the product Of the natural, organic love Between two committed people.
Now, please, Can we watch the porno channel? Moses had no kids? I don't know.
Hi.
Sorry i'm late.
You're 14 minutes late.
Yeah, all right.
I did some reading.
These bears aren't coming out.
Well, they have to.
This is their mating season.
Pandas mating.
Super.
Let's get some of that.
They won't do it under these conditions.
Why not? It's just too much.
Everybody's looking.
It's too much pressure.
Pressure? If we don't get some footage of pandas pronto, We're packing and pulling the plug.
Do you get my point? Do you know how much you just spit on me? You're the director.
What if they don't come out? I'll buy you a balloon and some nuts.
I don't know.
Let me just think about this.
Let's take five minutes.
Everybody, take five.
That's great.
Uptight pandas.
You don't have this with trained animals.
They mate on cue.
They're in heat three days a year.
Three days? That's it? That's such a Such a little window of heat.
Little window of heat.
Who was in that? This was melissa gilbert and george peppard, i believe.
Hey, hey, hey.
There they there they are.
You bet.
They're moving.
They're not just moving.
They're mating.
How will we get this? The crew's on five.
I'll get it.
You and me.
Ooh, hold my camera one second.
This is unbelievable.
This is unbelievable.
Grab my belt.
All right.
If i'm like Give me the camera.
Aah! Want to get my phone? It's right over there.
Listen to this.
Shh.
Hi.
What happened to you? I fell in the panda pit.
Oh, god.
Are you all right? Let me tell you what happened.
The bears mated.
They mated? It was the most amazing thing.
The crew was on a five, So nobody's around.
And you could see these bears They're from another country.
They're on the verge of extinction.
They could be the last pandas.
Still, with all that pressure, They just kind of went "the hell with it.
" Was it romantic? Yeah.
Interestingly, actually, The male panda, he puts his paw On the woman's shoulder, And then he like, he pulled her to his lap.
And then funny he takes off her sweater.
Wearing a sweater, was she? She was wearing a little panda sweater.
And then he just The male panda said he said, uh, "We just have to relax.
" By the way, i'm awake.
So, you're a german shepherd? German short-Haired pointer? Schnauzer? Dachshund? Affenpinscher? Rhine terrier? Bavarian munchhound?