Melissa & Joey s04e14 Episode Script

Joe.
How do I look? You look zipper-popping good, baby.
I was angling for a simple "lovely," but I'll take it.
So is all this for me, or is this, uh, to make your old college boyfriend jealous? I would never do that.
But you want to bring your a-game when you're having dinner with an ex.
I only have an a-game, sweetie.
So how did you and Doug reconnect again? He just friended me out of the blue.
But it's been great seeing his pictures.
His wife, his kids, his breakfast, his lunch, his dinner.
Oh, he's one of those guys who posts all the pictures of his food? I hate that.
It's cute.
No, it's really not cute.
So how long did you and, um Food poster boy go out? Oh, we spent a semester together in Mexico, and after six months, I was completely fluent in Tequila.
Why'd you break up? Well, sometimes things are just too hot to last.
I mean, unless you're married.
And then they're just so hot You just Help me out here, Joe? No, this is fun for me.
Sync & Corrections by Darcade Deb and I threw Stevie an amazing 10th birthday party.
Here's the pizza, here's the hot dogs, here's the cake.
Any pictures of Stevie? Um don't be silly, Mel.
You can't eat the kid.
Plus, you know, the food doesn't say "oh, dad, don't take my picture" aren't I right, Doug? Exactly.
Want some more coffee? Oh, no thanks.
Half a cup is all my body can handle these days.
Really? I remember when your body could handle half a keg.
Oh, man.
I miss being young and dumb.
Well, I've got to get back to the hotel.
The insurance conference starts tomorrow, and I signed up for a 7:00 am seminar.
Wow, you're still a wild man, Diablo.
Diablo.
No one's called me that in a long time.
Hey, speaking of Diablo, do you still have that little present I gave you down in Cabo? Cabo, whoo, those were crazy times.
Well, you tell Deb and the kids we say hi.
Great meeting you, Joe.
Thanks again for dinner.
I'll be posting pictures of your sirloin.
I'm honored.
Bye.
Diablo? Doug was kind of a bad boy.
That was what we called him.
Back in those days, he could down an entire cup of coffee.
I don't know if you noticed, Mel, but I've been working on my third cup here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It is so cool watching these auditions for "Cassandra.
" If we get the right actress, this could be a great little film.
Oh.
Then this film's gonna suck.
A certain grad student producer, Ivana, has already made the choice for us.
Oh, McKenna Cedestrom.
Apparently Cedestrom is Swedish for "ruin your film.
" Hold on.
I saw her audition, she was awful.
Totally wrong.
You know, Cassandra is snarky and edgy.
This girl read the part like she was some sort of Cheerleader.
"Special skills: Cheerleader.
" Our movie's doomed.
It's doomed.
No, I'll just explain things to Ivana.
She'll understand.
I'm sorry, where do you think I've been the last 90 minutes? Trying to talk Ivana out of this.
I bet you were being whiny.
When you argue with people you always get whiny.
Why would you say that? Yeah, I just heard that.
So why didn't you tell me that when we were dating? Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now I don't care if you get all pouty.
Okay.
Yeah, see? I don't care.
Ivana, hey.
It's Lennox Scanlon.
I was wondering if we could talk about the choice for Cassandra? Look, McKenna is a peppy little actress, but she's not right for this.
Yes, exactly.
We all want to make the best movie we can.
Yes, yes.
We do have to be on the same team.
Good, great.
Thank you.
It's McKenna or she's pulling the plug.
Turns out McKenna is her little sister in kappa nu gamma.
That must be Greek for "ruin your film.
" So, um Melly, just curious.
What was the, um, present thing that Diablo was talking about? Well, first of all, he goes by Doug now, and you know what? - I can't remember.
- Really? Well, Diablo seemed to remember.
And then things got awkward and you tried to change the subject.
I don't do that.
Hey, did you know that Benjamin Franklin was our first postmaster general? He discovered electricity, he's on the 100 dollar bill.
That is some resume.
Wow.
What was the gift? Puka shells.
Yeah, it was a necklace.
I didn't want to tell him I threw it out.
Puka shells, seriously? That was his idea of a special present? No wonder I dumped him, huh? Come on, everyone who wants to have sex, follow me.
Ooh! Oh, Mr.
Longo.
I have a delivery for you.
Well, put it right over here, please.
Oh, I forgot to light a candle.
Oh, no no, Mr.
Longo.
Stay right there.
You're still a wild man, Diablo.
Speaking of Diablo Do you still have that little present I gave you? Oh, boy.
Those were crazy times.
Crazy times.
Gave you.
Diablo.
Your tattoo.
That's what he gave you.
Nobody fondly remembers puka shells.
You know what? I now recall this is what Doug gave me.
Thank you for jogging my memory.
Anyway, where were we, Mr.
Longo.
We're nowhere.
Diablo's the name of your ex-boyfriend.
And there he is right there.
You always liked the little devil.
Yeah, before I found out it was some other guy's logo.
- Are you jealous? - No.
No, I am not jealous.
I am very aware I'm not the only guy you've ever been with, all right? But I didn't think any of your ex-boyfriends would be here with us in our bedroom.
Waving the little pitchfork at me.
It's part of my past.
It's behind me.
May be behind you, but it's right in front of me, baby.
Joe, why are we talking? Why aren't we Because there's another guy in the room with us now.
If it's bothering you that much, let's just turn out the lights.
Ew, turn out the lights? Who am I, my grandpa? Come on! I like looking.
Looking is part of the whole experience.
Okay, here's a better idea.
Stop thinking about it.
All right.
I'll give it a try.
Nope.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Because I'm either gonna be looking at it, or I'm gonna be holding onto it.
Well, enough of the sweet talk.
I am no longer in the mood.
You think? And even though Ivana has forced us to cast her fellow sorority airhead as Cassandra, I will continue to fight.
Because that's what artists do.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
You know what? I'm gonna sit this McKenna person down and tell her everything she did in the audition was wrong.
Yeah, people love to hear that.
I mean, in a nice way.
And I will explain to her who Cassandra is.
What drives her.
I truly believe I can save this film.
And prove Zander wrong which is always a plus.
Seriously? Can you not see me banging pots and pans up here? Hoping you'll ask me what's wrong.
Oh, I thought you were mad on my behalf.
No.
When did you stop taking hints? Did you suddenly become a man? You and Joe had a fight.
Oh, is this about your old boyfriend who came over? It wasn't really about Doug, it was about another guy.
- Who? - Satan.
You know my little devil tattoo? I try not to think about it, but yes.
Well, I got it as a tribute to Doug on the spur of the alcohol soaked moment.
It's a good thing I ran out of pesos, otherwise I'd have a snake down the side of my neck.
Anyway, now that Joe knows Diablo is Doug, to him it's like having another man in the bedroom.
And not in a good way.
Can you believe that husband of mine? Completely.
I know, right? It's completely Wait, what? You agree with him? Whose side are you on? Uh, the side of your marriage.
Try to see it from Joe's point of view.
From Joe's point of view? It looks fantastic.
Aunt Mel, be serious.
To Joe it's like you took Doug's old love letters and glued them to your ass.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Shred my butt? Well, you can get rid of the problem.
I just married him.
Have you ever thought about laser tattoo removal? What makes more sense here? Having agonizing butt surgery, or having my husband get over it so he can have sex with his hot wife? Me! Okay, aunt Mel, they don't cut you open.
It's It's like a facial for your tush.
Thank you.
You've just ruined facials for me.
I am so, so happy to be in your movie.
The moment Ivana told me about the part of Cassandra Cassandra.
That's what I said, Cassandra.
Cassandra.
Right, Cassandra.
Oh, boy.
Why don't we just talk about the character? Of Cassandra? She's basically The smartest person in the world.
She's very perceptive.
She's able to see the abundance of mediocrity in humankind.
She tries to be amused, but it's always a struggle.
I can do my own makeup.
You know what? Why don't we just start with the script.
Here, Cassandra has just found out that her old boyfriend has turned into an annoying hipster.
So read the first line.
"I knew this would happen.
" That was so Bubbly.
Bubbly's one of my special skills.
It's what people like about me.
That's why I wanted to try acting, so more people would like me.
And it's kind of like cheerleading, except you get to say more than "hey, hey, don't get down, "you can still turn it around.
" We've been saying that a lot this year.
Try the line again, and this time, be very, very judgmental.
"I knew this would happen.
" Oh, boy.
I can supply my own wardrobe.
I can't imagine you'd have anything that Cassandra would wear.
She doesn't dress like you.
She dresses Well, like me.
You know what, maybe if you wore this, you would feel more like her.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't feel like a cheerleader until the first time I put on my outfit.
- Funny story - I doubt it.
Okay, now.
Slouch.
Keep your voice low.
And think.
I know it's hard.
But think about how rotten the world is.
"I knew this would happen.
" Again.
"I knew this would happen.
" Keep going.
"Look at you, Sergio.
"Where'd you get those skinny hipster jeans? "From some organ grinder's monkey?" She's got it.
I think she's got it.
What upset me the most, Nate, was that Mel didn't understand why I was upset.
She didn't understand that I don't want to see a reminder of some other guy when I'm in bed with my wife.
You know what I mean? It keeps It keeps my morale Low, if you know what I mean.
Joe, you love Mel, right? Yeah, I'm crazy about her.
And she makes you happy in the bedroom? Yeah.
Many, many times a week.
Then you, my friend, are out of your hot tempered mind.
You should be high-fiving that little devil.
And every other little devil that's made Mel who she is.
You're getting the benefit.
- Nate, listen - Shut up for one second.
Imagine there's an amazing restaurant that serves whatever you want.
And it's open 24 hours every day, even Christmas.
But suddenly you decide you don't want to patronize the place because somebody carved their name on a stall in the bathroom.
But it's my favorite stall, Nate.
I mean, it's the only stall I can relax in.
How am I going to relax? You don't know how good you have it.
You know the most fun I get to have in my bedroom? Pretending to be asleep when the baby cries.
"Sergio, you think I like knowing more than everybody else? "Actually, I do.
"It's the only thing that makes me this cheerful.
" It's uncanny.
She's perfect.
Well, we're gonna need another work session tomorrow.
You know, there's still a lot of work to do.
I can't wait.
I am so, so happy about this.
- Stay in character.
- Or whatever.
That's good.
I have to say, I am delighted that you changed your mind.
Yeah, honey, I realized I was overreacting, so I'm over it.
Good for you, amigo.
So, what made you come around? You know.
I just had to do some thinking.
Well now, let's do some kissing.
Oh, okay.
Kissing it is.
Yeah.
Hey, get your hands off of me.
Mm.
That's more like it.
Do you know how many guys she said that to? Joe, Joe.
- Joe.
- Mel! don't talk.
Ooh.
Boss me around.
She's on top of me.
I can't breathe.
I can't do it.
I'm sorry.
I can't concentrate.
What's the matter? Diablo, all right? He's in my head.
I don't want him in there, but he's in there.
God, it's like I need a sexorcist or something.
Really, Joe? Is this the way it's gonna be the rest of our lives? I'm staying right here.
- Hey.
- Oh, honey.
I've been doing some research on tattoo removal, and even though it's painful and takes hours and hours, and in most cases leaves scars, I have decided that for you, I am willing to go through with it.
Oh, honey.
That is such an amazing sacrifice.
I know.
Thank you for doing it.
What? You actually want me to go through some crazy procedure where they shoot hot lasers at my butt? They could turn it up too high and take off a whole cheek.
You just offered to do it? You were supposed to say no.
don't you know an empty gesture when you hear one? You know, like "do you need help moving?" Or "I'd be happy to walk your dog.
" Nobody actually wants you to take them up on it.
Yeah, I don't think I'm being unreasonable.
How would you like it if I had an ex-girlfriend's name tattooed on my private parts? Be my guest! From what I remember, it hurts like hell.
Go ahead.
Have all your ex-girlfriends names put down there.
And their phone numbers too.
I've got plenty of room for it.
Okay, remember, all of your wardrobe belongs to me.
So take good care of my clothes.
Do you want me to salute you or is a simple bow okay? She's so great.
Okay, why don't you two review the final scene.
I'm still looking for some props.
Okay.
So last scene, I'll read Sergio.
So let me just set the scene for you.
So Sergio is Cassandra's on again off again boyfriend.
A very, very talented artist.
It's not based on anybody by the way.
"Cassandra, I think we should get back together.
" "Sergio, if we get back together, we're just gonna break up again.
"Face it.
You and me are never ever gonna work.
" You know what? Something's not quite right.
I could be grumpier? - More negative? - No, no.
No, it's not you.
It's the script.
Yeah, it's just Just needs a little tweak.
Okay.
Start it from there.
Sure.
If we get back together, we're just gonna break up again.
Are you sure, Cassandra? Now that you mention it, Sergio, I was wrong to ever leave you.
It's so obvious we should be together.
We have always belonged together.
Oh, God.
I would totally see this film.
Hey, aunt Mel.
Can I borrow the fondue set for the movie? Why am I just now learning that I have a fondue set? I mean, sure.
What are you doing? Trying to remove my tattoo the natural way.
Brown sugar and olive oil are an excellent exfoliant.
I figure if I scrub it several times a day, the little devil should be gone in about You know that's not gonna work? Yeah, but I want Joe to think I'm trying.
I offered to have it removed professionally, you should have seen how happy he was.
Okay, aunt Mel, give me that.
We can bake cookies later.
The sooner you get this taken care of for real, the happier you and Joe are gonna be, okay? It's so irritating when you're right.
Well, I guess I gotta have it removed professionally.
No matter how much it hurts.
Hey, sometimes love is just a pain in the ass.
Really? You went there? Hey, where's your aunt? I thought she didn't have any appointments today? Well, she just made one.
At a place that does tattoo removal.
What? Yeah, she said "I gotta do this for Joe, "even if it hurts.
" Then she ran out of here.
And then she ran back in, took three shots of Tequila, and called a cab.
Wow, she She would do that for me? She'd do anything for you.
All right, so we've decided that McKenna should stay in character 24/7 until after we finish the shooting.
Oh, I like your commitment.
Thanks.
You gonna throw me a fish? Nice.
I might use that one for myself.
Oh, wait.
What is this? Oh, I just made a couple little tweaks to the final scene.
Wait, Sergio and Cassandra can't get back together.
You missed the whole point of the film.
Her entire journey is towards independence.
She doesn't need a man to complete her, and they certainly don't "belong together.
" I thought it worked.
- Zander.
- Fine, we'll change it back.
Your ex is a wee bit cranky.
Yeah, I mean You thought the changes worked, didn't you? Of course.
And I am Cassandra.
The smartest person in the world.
Yeah, that works too.
Ow! What are you doing to me? Wiping the area with a cotton ball.
Dial back the pressure a little, will you? Are you sure you wanna do this? Yes, and I'm doing this for love, so can you pick up the pace and zap me? Mel! don't.
Here we go.
Third time today.
Listen, Lennox told me what you're about to do, and you don't need to do it.
No, Joe, I've already made up my mind, okay? I don't want anything to come between us.
And nothing will.
I'm gonna get over it.
No, you tried that, and it didn't work.
Look, we'll figure something out, all right? I promise.
Ooh.
He didn't say anything.
That's a very good start.
Who didn't say anything? Don't worry about it.
This is all so very sweet.
But you've still got to pay for the session.
Wow.
You sure got over it.
Two times.
Yeah, I'm ready to make it three.
Well, usually, slapping a band-aid on a problem doesn't work.
The thing is though, honey, you need to have a band-aid that's large enough to cover the entire problem.
Well, if you're ready to go again, gentleman's choice.
Gentleman's choice.
Oh my goodness.
Well, let's see.
What do we have here? You know what? I'm good with either Spider-man or bacon.
Either one of those is cool with me.
Make it one of each.
- Let's do this.
- Let's do it!