NewsRadio (1995) s04e14 Episode Script

Once you're outside, you can't get back in unless you have this with you-- your key card-- which works like so.
[ Buzzes, Clicks .]
Oh, it's a security door.
I thought they were building a big terrarium to keep Matthew in.
Bill, why don't you just leave Matthew alone for once, okay? Ah, come on.
He's not even here.
Oh.
[ Laughs .]
Terrarium! Anyway, this should help to solve the problem we've been having with petty theft in the office lately.
Isn't that a lot of trouble to go through just to hide the fact that you misplace things? Yeah.
Dave, you gotta get off this paranoid thing.
- You really don't wear it well.
- Look.
I'm not paranoid.
Things have been stolen from my desk.
Th-They have.
- Nothing's been stolen from my desk.
- You don't have a desk.
Not that you know about.
This'll never work.
Why not? Because you can get through this thing without a key card.
No, you can't.
Would you like me to demonstrate? Please be my guest.
Fine.
Give me your key card.
All right.
Stand right there.
Mm-hmm.
Good.
Now try to open the door.
- I can't.
- What do you know? You were right.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Dinging .]
Great.
Good one.
Bill? Hey, Dave.
What's goin' on? Locked out.
Oh, how-how'd that happen? Oh, it doesn't really matter.
Did you try knockin'? Just about to give that a shot.
Oh, well.
You, uh-- You let me know how that works out for ya.
I will, sir.
- [ Shouting .]
Hey, Dave, you got a minute? - Sure.
Said, "Dave, you got a minute?" [ Shouting .]
Sure! All right.
Fine.
I'll just wait till you got a minute.
Um, Mr.
James, I-- W-W-Watch out! Just be careful, would ya? Those cost me $50,000.
- Fifty thousand? - Yeah, that's right.
I get A.
M.
and F.
M.
Okay, what? What were you doing listening to WXYP anyway? That's what I want to talk to you about.
That other news station is stealing our ideas.
They're-They're rippin' us off wholesale.
- Really? How so? - Oh, well, for starters-- You ready for this? Traffic reports from a helicopter.
- And? - And we started doing that two years ago.
Sir, news radio stations have been doing traffic reports from helicopters for years.
Right, two years now.
And they're stealing our catch phrases like-- Uh-huh.
"More news after this.
" Well, I guess, uh-- I just hope they don't steal our idea of doing weather reports, you know? Oh, they haven't, have they? No.
No, they-they didn't do that, Dave.
Oh, well, that's a relief anyway.
Okay.
We'll see ya.
- Okay.
- [ Chuckling .]
Ah, just didn't have the heart to tell the poor son of a bitch.
[ Sighs .]
Okay.
Listen up, everyone.
This door is to be kept closed at all times.
All right? We have a security system for a good reason, and I don't want people circumventing it.
Dave, we're not circumventing it.
We're just trying to get around it.
[ Sighs .]
Guys, all I-- Bill, what are you doing? Taping this damn door so it doesn't lock behind me when I go use the can.
Just take your key card with you.
Oh, I don't know.
Can't you just wait here at the door for 30 seconds or so? Do you really expect me to hold it for you? Thanks for the offer, Dave, but I'd rather have you out here taking care of the door.
What? Oh, never mind.
I didn't realize relieving myself was gonna turn into the Danish Inquisition.
What you're about to hear goes no further than this desk.
Okay.
You have my word.
I've been offered a television commercial.
Is it for a scented douche? What? No.
Well, what's the big secret? Well, I want you to help negotiate the actual deal for me.
Isn't that something your agent should do? Technically, yes, but I don't have an agent anymore.
What happened? I don't know.
He died or retired or something.
Anyway-- Which one is it? Well, what does it matter? Either way, he's not returning my phone calls anymore.
So you think you can help me out? Act as my agent on this one? Bill, I have no idea how to be an agent.
Oh, it's easy.
You just negotiate my salary and look out for my image as a newsman-- you know, making sure that I don't have to do anything silly or embarrassing.
What's the commercial for? Blue jeans.
That's silly and embarrassing.
Lisa, these are European blue jeans.
Oh, well, that's different.
Italian? Even better-- Czechoslovakian.
Wow.
I'm still not qualified to be your agent.
Sure you are.
You've got just what it takes.
You're cold and logical and heartless and emotionless-- almost more of an automaton than a human being.
Thanks, Bill.
That's flattering.
But I-I don't think so.
Oh, please, Lisa.
I'll even give you the standard one-percent commission.
I believe agents get 10%.
[ Laughing .]
Not in show business, they don't.
You must be thinking of retail hi-fi sales.
[ Chuckles .]
Okay, you got me.
I can't put one over on-- See how smart you are? Five percent.
Six.
Seven.
Deal.
[ Intercom Chimes .]
Uh, okay.
Just ask them who they are.
If they have a legitimate reason for being here, buzz them in.
- Dave, I know how it works.
- Of course.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
[ Chiming .]
- Beth, don't you want to check? See who it is.
- No, I don't have to.
When Matthew hears the chimes, he gets up from his desk and lets whoever it is in the door.
No! No, no.
Can't you see that defeats the whole purpose of having a-- having a, uh, security door in the first place? - Can I help you, gentlemen? - We're looking for Bill McNeal.
Ah, well.
This is my office, and he's not here.
Oh, he's not? I'm sorry, guys.
Why don't you just wander around out there? I'm sure he'll show up.
Matthew.
Yeah? Who the hell are those guys? I have no idea.
- Then why did you let them in? - Because they didn't have key cards.
That means they don't belong here.
Dave, do any of us belong here, really? Think about it.
[ Chiming .]
Oh, I'll get it.
I'll get it! I can't tell you how happy we are to have you aboard.
Glad to be of service.
Well, he's not exactly on board yet.
There's just one or two things I think we need to discuss.
- Why, of course.
- In principle, we're very excited about your offer.
Very excited! Yeah.
I've read over the contracts, and I think there are just-- I'll do it.
- Bill.
- What? Okay.
We just need to make sure that Bill won't be asked to do anything that might negatively affect his public image.
Unless that's the kind of thing you're looking for.
What we really need is some assurances that the concept will be executed tastefully.
[ Chuckles .]
Don't worry.
There won't be any nudity involved.
[ Chuckling .]
That's a relief.
But if you were to decide that nudity was vital, I'm game.
I mean, as long as I get some time to prepare.
I think what Bill is trying to communicate is our shared desire to arrive at terms that would be beneficial to all parties involved.
No.
What I'm trying to communicate is that I'm willing to do nudity, no extra charge! Bill, shut up.
She drives a hard bargain.
But just remember, I will do this for basically whatever you guys want to pay me.
No, you won't! I would rather not wear a sombrero.
Bill! Okay! On second thought, let's try the sombrero.
Dave, we have to get rid of that security door.
- No, we don't.
- Yes, we do.
A little bird just flew into the glass and died.
Really? That's terrible.
Yeah.
Poor thing.
[ Sighs .]
Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.
Doesn't it just make you want to cry? [ Groans .]
You didn't even bother to defrost it.
Dude, you know, if somebody wants to steal your wallet, that door's not gonna stop 'em.
Thank you.
And my credit card.
Thank you.
That proves nothing.
Now will you please leave me and my door alone? [ Sighs .]
Something's wrong with Bill.
I mean, yeah, I know, obviously.
But it's more than that.
You know, we started negotiating for this thing, and he turned into this sniveling coward, which ordinarily would amuse me, but-- Silence.
Silence.
Somebody at the security door.
Isn't that Beth's job? Yes.
But Beth cannot be trusted to maintain the integrity of the system.
[ Chimes .]
WNYX.
Who is it? [ Chimes .]
WNYX.
Please state your name and business so I can buzz you in.
Dave, maybe I'll just go see who it is.
No! They chime.
I ask them, "Who is it?" They tell me.
I buzz them in.
[ Chimes .]
WNYX.
Who is it? Please state your name and business so that I can give you access to these premises.
Dave, why don't you just look through your window? No! Are-- Are you-- They chime.
I ask who it is.
They tell me.
I let them in.
That's how it works.
That is the system.
The system will be followed.
[ Chimes .]
In God's name, who are you? [ Groans .]
[ Shouting .]
Hey, Dave, you gotta get this buzzer fixed.
I mean, I've been ringing it for five minutes.
Okay, I understand.
I understand that the security door is new and strange, and it challenges our outdated notions of who we are and where we belong.
If you'll give me your attention, I can show you that it can be a door, if you will, to a better office.
Okay, uh, here we have the security door.
And as you can see, it is closed and locked, keeping out intruders.
We can work without fear.
Here, on the other hand, someone has propped the door open with a chair.
A thief has entered.
We are all in danger.
Hey, hey, wait a minute.
I've seen that guy around.
Hey, what if there's a fire? We'd be stuck inside and burned alive, like those people on the Titanic.
In the event of fire, these smoke detectors are hooked up to the security door, so when the alarm goes off, the door will be opened automatically.
What if there's a fire on the other side of the door and the only way to escape is back through the office? If that happens and you don't have your key card with you, then you will all be burned to death.
Which is why it's very important to always have your key card with you.
- What about an earthquake? - Ah, well, in the event of an earthquake, the entire building will collapse, and the security door will really be the least of your concerns.
But it's important to remember that most earthquake activity is clustered around the so-called Ring of Fire in the Pacific Rim.
- Any questions? Yeah? - Yeah, I have a very serious question.
Of course, Matthew.
In the event that a wizard casts a spell on us while we are-- Wait a minute.
Where are you going? Where do you think you're going? Uh-- Lisa was having trouble with her key card earlier.
I was just gonna give her a few pointers on proper use.
Ah.
Then good.
That's the stuff.
Huh? Hmm! No, Bill, I have work to do.
I'm not going to the commercial shoot with you.
But you're my agent.
You made me look stupid today.
Well, that's because I was afraid they'd make me look stupid.
You're playing a father and your only line is, "Pipe down, you two.
" But what if they make me wear a cardigan? I look stupid in cardigans.
Okay, well, if they try to do that, just tell them no.
I can't do that.
I can't tell them no.
I can't tell anyone no.
Can't you see? Okay, okay.
Just take it easy.
I tried to tell you earlier, but you just wouldn't listen! But you don't seem to have trouble throwing your weight around in here.
Ah, Lisa, this is radio.
If they fire me, so what? I can get a job scraping gum off the sidewalk.
It's a lateral move.
But television-- Bill, I am not going to go with you.
I'm not going to go, because I think this is something you need to do on your own.
Yeah, but I-- Ah-ah-ah! No buts, mister.
[ Sighs .]
You're gonna go, and you're gonna be great.
And you want to know why? Because you are Bill McNeal.
The most pompous, overbearing, self-centered, cocky bastard I have ever met in my entire life.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
[ Beth .]
Hey, Dave.
Hey.
What, uh-- What're you doing? Watching to make sure the door closes.
- Dave, it's closing.
- It's not closed until I hear it click.
It didn't click.
Maybe it did.
Maybe we just couldn't hear it over all the chatter.
[ Clicks .]
There.
Now it's closed.
Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for Bill McNeal.
Bill McNeal? Yeah, he's one of the actors.
He's playing the father.
I'm his agent.
He said there was some emergency on the set.
[ Bell Rings .]
Okay.
They're gonna do another take, so have a seat.
[ Man #1 .]
And rolling sound.
[ Man #2 .]
And action.
Hand 'em over! They're mine! No, they're not! Pipe down, you two! You wore them last time.
They're mine! Take it easy, you two.
For a limited time only, Blue Genie's Blue Jeans is offering a 50% discount on young woman's and petite sizes at participating stores.
So we can both get our own pair? That's right.
And while you're at it, why not slip into a brand-new fit with our outrageous Lady Capri hip huggers? [ Girls .]
Thanks, Blue Genie! Now, has anyone seen my lamp? [ All Laughing .]
[ Man #2 .]
Cut! [ Bell Rings .]
I'd like to know who rigged the door so that it would break when I touched it? Wow, I didn't believe it, but I think that maybe you guys are right.
No, they're not! Right about what? About the fact that somebody's gettin' a little P-A-R-A-- noid.
No.
I am not paranoid.
'Cause I can say, without a trace of irony, you're all out to get me.
Oh, really.
Nobody's going anywhere.
I know.
That's why I'm closing this door.
No one leaves this room until I hear a confession from the person or persons who sabotaged the door so that it would shatter, and I would be made to look foolish.
Okay, uh, Dave, actually the reason that we're all here is that we are not going anywhere until you admit that you've become very, very paranoid lately.
Very.
What? [ Beth .]
Dave-- Dave, I wish so hard that you could see yourself the way that we see you-- as a ranting, raving, crazy, little man with a-- with a monkey head.
I'm pretty paranoid myself, but even I don't turn on my closest friends like this.
Don't play their game.
It's just what they want you to do.
Also, I love you.
- I love you too.
Matthew? - Oh, yeah, Dave.
I wrote you a little song.
It's called "Frodo, the Paranoid Gnome.
" Oh, excellent.
Frodo was a paranoid gnome This is not what we agreed to.
It isn't.
It isn't! Why didn't you put your foot down? Well, I started to.
I went to talk to the director.
And what happened? Well, he said, "Yes, Bill, what is it?" And then I panicked and asked for a pay cut.
Oh.
All right.
You know what? Let me take care of this for you, okay? Hey, hotshot! You.
Yeah.
Just a second.
No, let me do this.
If I want to be treated like a spoiled baby, it's time I acted like one.
Okay, guys, what exactly is the problem? [ Scoffs .]
What's the problem? What's the problem? [ Chuckles .]
The problem is, there's no fruit in my dressing room! That's the problem? I know! Outrageous, isn't it? There's supposed to be a whole fruit basket in there.
Well, there isn't! [ Shouts, Indistinct .]
I did it.
[ Exhales .]
Yeah.
This was a big step for me.
I know.
[ Sighs Deeply, Laughs .]
[ Sighs .]
Bill.
Yeah? I-I thought you were going to be playing the father.
I was.
So, how did you end up playing the Blue Genie? Well, the actor who was going to do it called in sick, so I lucked out and "aca-badabra!" You're fine with it.
Oh, yeah.
Lisa! The Blue Genie has three times as many lines as the father.
Of course.
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
If my guys had installed that glass correctly, it would never have shattered.
Yeah, well, no harm done.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Okay.
Great.
Yeah.
See, Dave? Wasn't sabotaged.
He's in on it.
In on what? He's in on the whole plan to-- Okay, I don't know what the plan is, but I'm pretty sure he's in on it.
When was the last time you had a vacation? One thing we do know-- Someone somewhere wants me crazy.
Okay, that's it.
I'm gonna give you a ride home.
I'm gonna tuck you in.
You had enough for today.
Go get your stuff.
Go on.
Attaboy! Was that what you wanted? That was perfect.
I hate to ask you to lie to the little guy, but it'll help him sleep better tonight.
He's feeling a little paranoid.
[ Chuckles .]
Here you go.
So what-- what was the real reason this thing broke? I think someone must have sabotaged it, so it would break and make him look foolish.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
What was that about? Huh? What-- What was what about? Well, you know, what was-- Why did he-- What-- Never mind.
Never mind.
You're right.
You're right.
Obviously, uh-- It's just, uh-- Just need a good night's sleep.
Yeah.
So I guess we should go.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, where is my-- where is my briefcase? I just put it right-- What did I say, Dave? I just put it down.
That's enough for today.
We're goin' for a little ride.
But I-- Get in this room right here.
You're gonna be just fine.
Go on.