Scrubs s04e14 Episode Script

Being a great doctor isn't just about medical knowledge.
It's also about people skills.
Wow.
That is the worst broken nose I have ever seen.
- I'm here because I stepped on a nail.
- Of course.
What, are you walking on your nose? Unfortunately, you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer because we admit people by severity of condition.
That was mortifying.
My face! You know, with the face burns, we could probably admit you now.
Laverne? My me-time hand! Friday there's a chamber orchestra playing in the courtyard of the museum.
- You wanna go? - I love Pachelbel.
Carla and Elliot were in their ritual of making plans they would never keep.
We should have dinner beforehand.
Since Turk knew these were fake plans he used the opportunity to score bonus points with his wife.
Classic husbanding.
Baby.
Forget dinner.
I'll make you a homemade picnic basket.
I married an amazing man.
You sure did.
You know what? I've got an even better idea.
Maybe J.
D.
And I could both come, right? We'll wear sport coats and you guys, beautiful dresses.
Oh, my God, I love that idea.
I love it.
It's awesome.
It's awesome.
To be perfectly honest, so did I.
I never get an opportunity to wear my houndstooth sports coat.
Unlike Elliot and Carla, when Turk and I made plans, we kept them.
- It's 10.
00.
You ready? - Let's do it.
But lately for us, our plans rarely involved leaving the apartment.
I wasn't too excited about taking over this spot after you sat in it for 20 minutes.
But I gotta tell ya, it's warm in all the right places.
- How do you like what I left you? - Man, your ass indentation is so deep.
It's like I'm sitting in a giant inner tube.
As Turk and I recuperated from our big chair swap I wondered what other couples were doing tonight.
Did I just refer to Turk and I as a couple? My point is, I'm sure other couples were out having fun.
You look so hot.
- When's the last time we kissed? - About a month ago.
- When was the last time we had sex? - Yesterday.
What do you say we head into the bathroom and lower the health code rating from an "A" to a "B"? What do you say? I guess some people figure, what's the worst that can happen? Well? It's blue.
I'm not pregnant.
You know what's weird? I'm relieved.
I just feel kind of sad because I think about how beautiful our son is and I kind of wish it had gone the other way, you know? Sweetie? She's not pregnant! It came out blue! It's blue! She's not pregnant! It's blue! It came out blue! The epi isn't working.
I still don't have a rhythm.
Transcutaneous pacer isn't capturing.
Pupils are fixed and dilated.
I'm calling it.
Time of death, 9.
17.
I always thought that when I died I'd see a bright light or float above the ground.
It turns out death is pretty mundane.
I guess sometimes the end is just the end.
For the last time, Jerry, you're not dead, OK? Now, go back to your room.
Jerry has Cotard's, or walking corpse syndrome.
The guy thinks he's dead even though he's walking around.
I think I'll try to ask Turk something telepathically.
You wanna do something tonight? Dude, yeah.
Let's hang out and watch some TV.
We got any beer? I used the last of it to make our party ice.
If I accidentally put beer cubes in my orange juice again there's gonna be trouble.
I almost got a DUl.
Dr Mickhead was wondering if you would cover his patient.
The guy was in a bar fight and has been unconscious.
He was brought in by a brother from Ireland.
You mean an Irish brother or an Irish brother? Top of the mizzle to you, me lizzles.
I mean his sibling.
Man.
And you must be the Irish brother.
No, sir.
Ron Peterson, Ohio born and bred.
Yep.
Red-stater and proud of it.
Oh, sorry.
We Only taking the piss outta ya.
Billy Callahan.
Had you going with the American accent, didn't I? Do us a favour.
Any chance I could get one of these filled with Guinness? I have an awful hangover.
We had a late night.
I'm a bit shaky.
Is there any chance? Probably not.
We don't usually do that.
No? OK.
I'm so bummed.
I can't go see the chamber orchestra tonight.
I forgot I have my Cantonese class.
I would totally call and cancel but all I know how to say is, "I'm allergic to peanuts.
" Elliot, I was really looking forward to this.
Really? About five seconds ago you were giddy about going home and taking a bath tonight.
Why would you do that to me? New thing.
I'm busting chops.
So, you just forgot we even had plans? You were flaking on them anyway.
I wasn't.
I have my Cantonese class.
But do you? Do you really? Busting chops.
At least I remembered the plans well enough to flake on them! Well, if I knew you were going to flake on them I would've never made plans to forget in the first place, cos you She's gone, Carla.
It's over.
Where have you been for the last few days? - Fishing.
- You hate fishing.
- With buddies.
- You don't have buddies.
We landed a 200-pound white marlin off the coast of San Diego.
Interesting.
That's 3,000 miles from the habitat of the white marlin.
Perhaps it hopped a train from Cape Cod.
- Why? - I'm busting chops today.
- It's true.
- See? What did you do, and why are you limping? - Perry.
- I got a vasectomy.
Do not tell Jordan.
Welcome back, fisherman! Oh, honey, how I missed you.
- Hi! - Hi! - Billy, just say it.
- For the last time, lads, no.
Perhaps you're not really Irish.
Fine! Pink hearts, yellow moons orange stars, green clovers.
See, I told you.
- Yeah, he's Irish.
- Yeah, he is.
Yeah, he is.
How long you two seeing each other? Oh, no, man, we're just living together.
Not like living together.
I mean like living together.
Hey, that is a cool tattoo, my brother.
Snuck onto a plane.
Thought I was going to Belgium, ended up in Kenya.
I hung out with this tribe.
When the males go through adolescence they get this tattoo.
It means "alias.
" Oh.
Why "alias"? - It's their favourite show.
- Oh.
I'm only kidding.
- Jennifer Garner.
- Oh.
Obviously.
Enough about me.
What about you lads? Saving lives here all day every day.
Out at night, giving it a lash, tearing it up.
You do go out at night? Do you have any sevens? Turk.
You have lots of sevens.
We tear it.
And sometimes lash.
But the hours we work, it's It's less tearing and more folding.
Gently folding.
You'll sleep when you're dead.
Get out in the streets, talk to a stranger.
Drink a beer with breakfast.
Take the ugliest girl home at the party.
Done it! Done that.
That one I've done.
Go travelling to Texas.
Line dance with women that wish they weren't married.
You never know what life will put in your lap when you open your arms.
Be surprised what will fall in your lap when you open up and - Dude.
- Elliot! He said my eyes looked like the Irish countryside after a soft rain.
I should go.
That happened very quickly.
Don't even sweat it.
It's Elliot.
She's desperate.
Dude.
- Baby! - What? What? I wasn't gonna do anything.
He said my hair was curly.
Your hair is curly.
- Baby! - OK.
What did you do around the apartment while I was gone? I turned your office into my pyjama closet.
I threw out everything in the refrigerator that had the word "jerky" or "whiz" on it.
I got rid of all your clothes that make you look like you're 20.
Don't worry, I saved your hockey jerseys although I did move them into my new pyjama closet.
And for some reason none of the remotes work anymore.
And why are you limping? Fishing.
I'm limping from fishing.
- I know that limp.
- No, Bob.
Bob, no.
You just got a vasectomy.
I had mine done back in '68.
Ironically, that was the same year that Enid discovered pasta and I discovered I'm not attracted to enormous women.
I didn't just get a vasectomy.
Come on, soldier.
If I have to force you to drop your pants, I will.
So tell Bobbo was it a hard decision for the two of you to make? Snip it, doc.
Snip it hard.
Yeah, we We really struggled with it.
I don't really care.
All right, love.
Why are you waving? You're married.
So what, married people can't wave now? They can wave like this but you can't wave like this What plans of ours did you flake on to go to that waving seminar? Oh, why are you asking me? Did you forget? You big plan-forgetter.
I don't need to go to a waving seminar to know that this wave is known as "I am a married woman whose self-esteem has plummeted because nobody looks at me anymore, so I'm acting like a desperate hussy.
" Oh, snap.
Did you just call me a hussy? Desperate hussy.
Ladies! Ladies, stop! Continue.
So, Billy, we're gonna need to get your brother's insurance information.
He's not me brother.
I only met the fella last night, God bless him.
In life, we often make assumptions that aren't true.
Whether it's assuming you know how someone's gonna react OK.
Let me have it.
Whatever makes you happy, sweetie.
I'll see you at home.
Or assuming a little girl from Connecticut would never fight dirty.
I'm going in! Most assumptions could be avoided if you asked a simple question in the first place.
If you're not his brother, who are you? Me? I'm the bloke that hit him.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
It was an accident.
He threw the first punch.
Then I hit him, he slipped, hit his head.
Where I come from, you knock someone unconscious you stay around, you make sure they're OK.
Right? So guess what? I won't be leaving.
You'll have to deal with me and my partner.
I mean, like my partner, not like my partner.
Can I talk to you outside for a second? How you doing? Not great, actually.
I'm dead.
Bummer.
How long? Four years next month.
Jeez, that's a nightmare.
I was dead once, for about ten minutes.
Then me mate Danny peed on me head.
- Really? - It's quite a sight to wake up to.
Heard you guys were fighting.
We made up.
No, they didn't.
Chop-busting.
And doc-dusting.
Elliot, you don't look too banged up about it.
You got your arm around Carla.
My hand is stuck in this rat's nest that she calls hair.
Dye-job.
Got it.
But Chopstick, you gonna have to buy a new watch.
Carla, you may want to borrow some of my spray-on hair.
Baby! No, forget them.
We have to deal with Billy.
Should we call the cops on this guy? I don't know.
He seems cool.
He put a guy in the hospital.
That's a felony.
We're supposed to report him.
Are you trying to convince me to do something you already did? This is a decision we both need to make together, as a team, as a unit.
All right, fine, let's call the cops.
- Thank God.
- Hello, gentlemen.
We got a call about a felony from a Dr Turk.
"Turk" is easier to hear over the phone.
"Dorian" isn't hard to hear over the phone but I didn't want to talk about it with Turk.
When you have a problem with someone you tend to talk to everyone except them.
I went behind Jordan's back and got my junk rewired.
She was sweet to me.
Sweet, Bobbo.
What the hell do you make of that? Carla thinks she's so tough.
She's been around the block.
She's from the block.
Enough about the block! It's not my fault my family had an orchard.
For four years I've had to listen to Elliot complain.
"My parents are too rich.
" "I slept with J.
D.
Again.
" "Why can't I gain any weight?" I got problems of my own.
I'm from the block.
I wanted to help her.
I wish she could've heard me.
OK, Jerry, you're out.
Laverne? Can I talk to you? Perry, believe me when I say I'm proud to welcome you to what I like to call the seedless grapes club.
But still I have just one obvious, and hopefully chop-busting question Why the hell are you talking to me about this? I guess I should be talking to her.
Jordan, why aren't you more upset about this? I don't get it.
You'd go to your mother's for a bitch refresher course and then you'd come back here, swinging for the fences.
I'd love to chat, but if we're late for ballet Jack won't get a spot by the bathroom and he'll pee in his tights.
I'm sorry, my son is taking is taking ballet? Jordan, he's already got an overbearing mother and a fairly prominent lisp.
If we stick him in the tights, we might as well just get him a time share on Fire Island.
I haven't decided if I'm gonna make him gay yet.
I see what this is.
This is the payback, huh? I didn't freak out because you and I are two independent people in a relationship and we don't always share our feelings.
I didn't get angry because I'm not surprised.
Let's go ballet.
Do I wish it were different? Sometimes.
But whatever you and I have is working, so I guess I just have to live with it.
Bye, Daddy.
- So how you feeling down there? - Oh, great.
Great.
Reverse it.
See ya, lads.
Man.
I know we feel guilty, OK, but it's over.
It's not like there's gonna be any ramifications.
You have one day to come up with another gorgeous Irishman.
One day.
What? The Todd appreciates hot, regardless of gender.
I'm glad Billy's gone.
He was such a jerk.
He kept calling me Bonnie.
Bonnie means pretty.
My God, I will never love like that again.
You know I wasn't really mad about Billy or the whole flaking thing.
I remember hugging you the day of my wedding.
Even though the other two bridesmaids were my sisters I felt closer to you.
When did we stop being best friends? It feels like it took us so long to get to that point and it's gone away so quickly.
It's my fault.
I've been burying myself in being married.
It was your first year.
I should've been the one to make the extra effort.
- So, what now? - We try harder.
All right.
Who taught you how to fight like that? When you grow up on an orchard, you don't have much choice.
Apple thieves.
- What the hell happened to you? - I got them to reverse the vasectomy.
What an incredibly normal thing to do.
Jordan, let me talk for a second.
I've been trained for many years to take any emotion I feel push it down, and then let it out by drinking way too much and by yelling at the football players on my TV screen.
And I really thought I hit the jackpot when I finally met a woman who was as disturbed and closed off as I am.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Still, now I want more.
I really do.
I want to talk about things.
Not everything.
I don't want to talk about everything.
I don't need to know when you beat up a woman in the park because her purse is the same colour as yours but things that matter.
Things that are important to us as a family.
And I know I know that there are guys who bring flowers and there are guys who write love songs.
But I'm a guy sitting in front of you here with a twice-operated-on penis that says I want to be a couple that communicates more openly.
What kind of guy writes love songs? Guys whose mothers make them go to ballet class.
Fair enough.
- You know how much I love you.
- I love you too.
Now that we're being all open and honest - Yeah.
- I do not want to have any more kids.
- I think you should get the vasectomy.
- Fantastic.
My partner and I Yeah, I said it We had heard that Billy was back and he was mad.
- I warned you! - What the hell happened? - I popped him again.
- Are you serious? You think scaring people's funny? Well, good, cos you're dying.
- John Dorian, you are a doctor.
- He started it.
Sorry about your face.
I threw the first punch.
It was my fault.
Right, then, I'm off.
Supposed to be in Florence by midnight.
How are you gonna do that? Her apartment's two blocks away.
Should be no problem at all.
Hey, we're sorry about the whole incarceration thing.
No worries.
Life's too short to hold a grudge.
You might wanna ask yourselves why you didn't have the decency to talk to me first.
But I shall let you two "partners" figure that out.
By the way, you're a gorgeous couple.
Good luck to you.
See you, lads! When I was alive, I wish I had lived one day like he lives every day of his life.
Dead people don't talk, Jerry.
We weren't really mad at Jerry.
What we realised was that we were jealous of Billy because he was out living life and Turk and I weren't.
I guess it's important not to take life for granted.
Whether it's appreciating your relationships - Let's go for the hat trick, doc.
- Are you sure? Hey, doc, zip it, grip it, and snip it! Or renewing your friendships.
I almost peed.
For Turk and I, it was important to just get out and start living life, period.
Buddy, it is almost 1.
00 in the morning, and we have to be at work at 5.
00.
I know, but how often do we do this? You're absolutely right.
Come on.
Do you have any twos? No.
Go fish, please.
Do you have any Ks? Please go fish.