The Cleveland Show s04e14 Episode Script

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Uncle Sam's black dwarf nephew says, "Donna Tubbs for School Board.
" "A vote for Tubbs is a vote for Donna Tubbs.
" Here's another How many do you have left? Isn't it kind of against your cause to keep us out of school to do this? I don't want to hear your complaints about being tired, poor or yearning to be free.
I have waited 16 years for this board seat to open up.
There is no position in a small town that gives you more power than the school board.
Your dreams is small.
"Are," Rallo, "Are.
" A school board member cannot have children who speak ungrammatically.
Our family must and shall exude sophistication.
Look what I found: A pancake somebody ran over.
A vote for Tubbs is a vote for Donna Tubbs.
It's a waffle.
I found a waffle.
Cleveland, what did I tell you about putting our best foot forward when I'm running for school board? Now, my hands are sticky from the syrup, and as you'll notice, I've broken free from my boxer shorts.
Can a brother get a tuck? Cleveland, this election is very important to me.
I found another waffle.
Oh, my God! Look, just behave yourself.
At least until the election's over.
But of course.
If you'll excuse me, I have now broken free in the back.
Gentlemen, I present to you the Hurt Locker game.
Okay, that cardboard box over by the Dumpster contains a C4-loaded IED plastic explosive.
Which one of us is going to try to defuse it first? Lester? Mm-mm.
Tim? Mm-mm.
Holt? Mm-mm.
Franklin, the 49-year-old bankruptcy lawyer we just started hanging out with this week? Hells, yeah, I'll do it.
Cleveland, you've really made me feel like part of the gang.
I look forward to years of misadventures with you.
As us also do we.
Duck for cover! Whoa! Wow! - Awesome! - Holy! Franklin, that was so cool.
Better luck next time, buddy.
Franklin, do you copy? Franklin? Big Brown, this is Muscle Milk.
Over.
I think something's wrong with Franklin's headset.
Oh, God.
Guys, it's Gus.
Those hot wings you ordered are ready.
Hope this isn't a bad time.
Over.
No, Gus, you were right to tell us.
This would be a good example of what I was talking about when I told you to behave.
Going to a funeral? Causing the funeral by blowing up some guy outside a bar.
When did you get so uptight? I'm gonna go sit up front.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Donna Tubbs for School Board.
Look at y'all.
Do I need to find Dracula's coffin and remove the stake from his heart to see a decent sit-up around here? The utensil that goes both ways.
I see you've forgotten your gym clothes for the third time this week.
You have surpassed the maximum allowance of 90 gym class absences per semester, and will fail P.
E.
Isn't there anything I can do to save my future? Yes, you can receive the credit by signing up for a sport.
Any sport.
Celebrity poker? That is no longer offered at this school since David Spade impregnated the volleyball team.
Wah.
Wah.
This is as tall as I'm gonna get.
So, you think the diving team, huh? Well, how would I get up there? Would a crane lift me? Or does the board lower to get me or No, you would have to climb the ladder.
Ehh.
But everything else is just falling.
Falling on purpose? I'll give it a shot.
Good work, Ernie.
Hi.
Cleveland Brown, Jr.
I've got to sign up for some stupid sport.
Fine.
Go for it.
May God have mercy on the pool.
Give him a chance.
Four eyes, full gut.
Can't lose.
I haven't seen a tuck that good since Silence of the Lambs.
You're on the team.
Hooray.
My GPA is saved.
Congratulations, Junior.
Welcome aboard, son.
Here's your uniform.
Okay, that'll hold one of my nards.
What about the other one? That's your entire uniform.
I knew I shouldn't have eaten all that food.
To Franklin, who never saw it coming.
And apparently never saw Hurt Locker.
To Franklin.
Anyway, I told Donna I am who I am and I'm going to behave like I am going to behave.
Is that why you're not at the school board candidates' dinner tonight? Candidates' dinner tonight? Oh, God, she probably told me about it and I wasn't listening.
Wait a minute.
How do you know about it? I follow Donna on Twitter.
It's a very serious, solemn, unfunny account.
That's her.
She always retweets medical scares.
I got to get to that dinner.
Gus, a suit.
You got it! Excuse me.
I'm looking for the boring dinner.
Well, let's see: there's the seminar on pet insurance, the Harry's Law Fan Fiction Convention and then, worst of all, the School Board Candidates' Dinner.
Thanks.
And he realized then and there, it was truly Harry's law.
You never even saw the show, did you? No, but was I close? Yes.
Donna's dinner! Next, please welcome Candidate Donna Tubbs and her husband Just in time.
Cleveland Brown.
Oh, my God.
Donna's replaced me? Or what if that is me up there and I've stepped through a break in the time-space continuum? It's me, Future Cleveland.
I've come to tell you that that's not what happened.
She did replace you.
Aw.
Thank you for coming.
My well-behaved husband, Cleveland, and I appreciate your support.
Hi, I'm Cleveland.
I hope you had a good last weekend, and I hope you have a good weekend this weekend.
Well, thank you and thank you.
Isn't he pleasant? Thank you for coming.
My well-behaved husband, Cleveland, and I appreciate your support.
Hi, I'm Cleveland.
Nice to meet you.
Cleveland, is it? What an awesome name! What's going on, Donna? I demand an explanation! And some of those small sandwiches! I never got to work my way over there! Turkey! If they're out, roast beef! No tuna, obviously! It doesn't travel well! You know what I like! I'm mad at you! Fell asleep.
I was gonna do a whole "stewing husband sitting in the dark" thing, but the old lids got a little heavy.
Can we try again? Well, well, well.
How was the candidates' dinner? Or should you be asking me, since I was the one there with you? Cleveland, I'm sorry you had to see that, and that security threw you through your car windshield.
That was from earlier in the evening.
I hit a rare eagle on the way to the event.
Who was that man, Donna? That was Ebert Williams, the man I hired to be my campaign husband.
I just can't risk having you embarrass me before the election.
So, there it is.
Go on.
No, I'm done now.
Oh, okay.
So, there it is.
How could you replace me, Donna? How did you? Did you clone me? Did you use stem cells? What are stem cells? I'm against stem cells.
Actually, your dad recommended Ebert.
He's been using him for years.
Welcome, Freight Train and Cleveland.
You're team number one.
Please accept this traditional Croatian woman as your reward.
Man, we gonna bust her up.
Cleveland, I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, but if I win, I'll be only the 19th black woman to be on the school board.
We're talking about history here.
But what about my dignity? I want you to break up with your fake husband! And you didn't bring me any sandwiches.
I did.
Tuna.
No! That's worse than bringing nothing.
You didn't listen.
Ernie, could you please walk faster? Nope.
Osteoporosis.
Let me tell you something.
Swim team's had six practices, and you've missed all of them.
If you don't want an incomplete, you will be at that meet Saturday in your Speedo and nothing else.
Although, you'll want to wear jeans or sweats to the match.
But don't wear the same color sweatshirt and sweatpants.
It's just it's just not a good look.
Okay.
Bye.
Junior, you love them textbooks.
It's over, Johnny! My academic career is over! I am a fat kid! And I cannot get up in front of the entire school with Papa Smurf's hat on my ding-dong! I'm not sure you're thinking clearly.
I've never had more clarity.
Goodbye, Stoolbend High, forever.
I'm off to my new life as either a plus-sized hand model or a day laborer, whichever I can find first.
Good-bye, Ernie.
Silly osteoporosis.
And I'm only 17.
So, Cleveland threw a temper tantrum and wants me to fire you.
And maybe it's the right thing to do.
Doesn't matter to me.
I clear 12K a year being Cleveland for Freight Train.
In fact, he's trying to book me tomorrow so he can read me a bedtime story.
On the other hand, the debate is tomorrow, and I just know that Cleveland will show up in a pirate hat, making fart noises, wearing a T-shirt that says "Master Debater.
" It's gonna cost you either way, Donna, because I have a 24-hour cancellation policy, and your insurance will probably only cover half of it.
Screw it.
You're right.
I've come too far.
This is my time, and the school board is just a steppingstone.
Before you know it, I'll be the port commissioner, then comptroller.
And then, that's it.
I'm telling Cleveland you're not fired.
Yeah, your last check bounced, Donna.
So it's cash from here on in.
Thanks for coming to Gustavo's, Donna.
Welcome to the Broken Stool, Donna.
Sorry, Gus.
No time for your weirdness.
Make time! Uh - Uh - Donna! Oh, power lunching at Gustavo's, huh? So did you do it? Did you talk to your fake husband? Uh, yes.
Yay! Our lives are reset.
And I've decided he's gonna stay on as my campaign husband.
He projects the kind of clean-cut, responsible, not gonna blow up his friends playing The Hurt Locker game image I need to get elected.
In my defense, we were gonna play Human Centipede.
It's not just The Hurt Locker game, Cleveland.
You cause a funeral every week.
Sometimes real, sometimes fake.
You're always wearing dresses.
Or burkas.
And look at yourself.
You're not even wearing pants.
Holt is wearing them as a shirt.
Fits perfect, bro.
That's funny, Donna.
That's a grown little man with his head sticking out of my zipper.
Why are you not laughing? Cleveland, all I'm trying What's happened to you, Donna? When did you turn into such a this? You don't even laugh at the E Trade baby anymore.
You used to be fun! What happened to Dynamite Donna? Remember her? Where's Dynamite Donna? I'm peeing! I remember that night.
That was the first time I wore Robert's pants on my head.
That's not funny.
My lip! The point is, you were awesome, and lately, you're this stick in the mud.
Because I'm a grownup now, and I'm running for office.
Well, good luck, 'cause no one's gonna vote for you.
People want to vote for someone they can have a beer with, and right now, I don't think anyone in this bar would have a beer with you.
That's not true.
You're right.
I guess it wouldn't hurt to have just one.
To Dynamite Donna.
To Dynamite Donna! Well, there goes my New Year's resolution.
Blacked out on a Tuesday.
Where in the world is Timbear Sandiego? Motor oil and Kellie Pickler? We must be at the Richmond International Raceway! The debate's in an hour, and we're four hours from home! Uh-oh! What happened last night? How did we even get here? And where did we get all this money from? I'm peeing! That explains this scraped knee.
So we drove to Richmond blackout drunk? No, we Bugs Bunny'd our way in.
Cleveland, this is hopeless.
I'll never make that debate.
The election is as good as lost.
No, it's not.
You just need a stupid, irresponsible gesture.
Let Cleveland be Cleveland.
Caution! Caution! Hey, what the heck are you doing, buddy? You could get killed.
My wife's running for school board, and there's a debate in an hour.
Why didn't you say so? Nothing is more important to NASCAR than education.
Tony Stewart! What's going on over there? We're trying to have a race.
This lady's gonna be late for a school board debate.
Guys, we got a school board emergency.
My mom was a member of the school board.
Her name is Tammy.
All right, I'll get you there, Tubbs.
How'd you know my name? I didn't.
Let's go.
I'll get her there faster.
Oh, you want to race? Climb in.
Buckle up.
Shift to D for drive, and Wait a minute, with Dale and Tony gone and the rest of the cars wrecked, I can win this thing just by driving sensibly.
Oh, nuts.
Well, let's see if I can wrap my fat hands around a hammer.
I'm kidding, man.
Grab a hammer and get to work.
Gracias.
This isn't half bad.
Hot day, man.
On, no! Really hot day.
Oh, come on! Huh, that kid must have body issues.
Hey, don't worry.
We're in shape because we're so gay.
Uh-oh.
We're out of gas.
Where are the six guys? What? I need tires and gas and I'm getting loose in the corners.
It's self-serve.
All is lost.
The hell it is! Go, go, go! Aah! So which one of us won? the children of Stoolbend because there's nothing more important than a public debate about the issues confronting educators in a shrinking economy.
You want to do doughnuts in the parking lot? No, I want to go read a book.
Of course I want to do doughnuts in the parking lot.
Oh, Cleveland, what am I doing? I can't go up there like this.
You don't have to because I'm going to do to you what I and cats have been doing for years: a tongue bath.
Thank you, Cleveland.
What about you? There's no time, and I have no more saliva.
Besides, your husband's already up there.
And I want you to win.
Oh, Cleveland.
Go! We'll start with opening statements.
Ms.
Tubbs? I'm so glad to be here tonight with my with my husband, Cleveland Brown.
Sit down, Ebes.
That's my husband.
I got my spit back! Yes, my husband embarrasses me sometimes, but who's never been embarrassed? If people were scared of being embarrassed, we would have no Adam Sandler movies or politicians.
You think Newt Gingrich cares that everybody knows he had two failed open marriages? And do you think his current wife cares that everyone knows she's the whore who cheated with a married man while his wife was battling M.
S.
? No, because it was fun.
And so is my husband.
I'm proud of him.
And education can be fun, too.
Miss Donna was right.
I've got nothing to be embarrassed of.
And that's my stepson, who never misses a school board meeting.
Send me the minutes.
Yes? It's the results.
I see.
Yes, thank you.
You lost by four votes.
Oh, no.
But the margin was small enough that it triggered the state's automatic recount provision! There will be a recount! Next week, on The Cleveland Show My mama's gonna win.
You'll see.
You'll all see! I want back in.
Thank you.
The recount is in.
You lost.
Pretend you didn't see that last clip and tune in next week to find out what happens on The Cleveland Show.