The Last Man On Earth (2015) s04e14 Episode Script

Previously on The Last Man on Earth - Do you want to have a baby with Todd? - I'm sorry? - You said no, right? - (TODD SNIFFLES) I want to have a baby with you.
I'm gonna be a dad.
(CHUCKLES) (CLEARS THROAT) Um so how are we gonna do this? First of all, the most important thing here is your comfort.
Okay, so Can I get you some water? Another pillow? Sock slippers? - I'm fine.
- MELISSA: What about the room temperature? Is that fine for you? Because I can make a fire, get you some sock slippers - Guys, I'm fine.
- Back off, Melissa.
(SINGSONGY): She's fine.
- Sorry, Todd.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Just so we're clear uh, we're not talking about actually having sex.
No.
No, no, no, no.
No, no.
Absolutely no.
You know, the we're gonna approach this like a like a business transaction.
- Sure.
Whatever.
- Okay, great.
So-so, my, um c-company (CHUCKLES) is-is gonna, uh uh, manually, uh, produce as-as much, um uh product as-as it can possibly generate.
You know, w-without me passing out.
A-And then my company is going to, mm, deliver, uh, my product to your company's loading zone.
And then your company is-is going to just basically, uh, uh baste the whole store with, uh product.
Yeah, could you stop calling it "product"? Absolutely.
What what's-what's a better word for "product," guys? Uh, "yield.
" - "Overhead"? - "Deliverable.
" - "Output.
" - "Export"? - "Download"? - "Income.
" "Splutter"? - CAROL: "Confetti"? - GAIL: "Bonuses"? TANDY: Or "reams," like paper reams.
(IRISH ACCENT): Top o' the morning to ya, bud! (NORMAL VOICE): Nice, uh, leprechaun skirt.
Healthy airflow for the old, uh, bag and pipe, huh? It's nothing compared to what Erica's got to do.
You know, vitamins, diet, exercise, all that stuff.
So, word on the street is that you're ovulating right now.
(CHUCKLES): I mean, that's not really how it works, bud.
But, yeah, um, Erica's ovulating.
- Erica is Oh, okay, okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
I guess I I'm missing - Ovu ovulating - Women ovulate.
Men don't.
All right.
And, uh I'm assuming you've been refraining from masturbation? - Yep.
- Good.
I mean got to hold on to that self-abuse juice, knowasa? - Huh? - Knowasa? - What? - Yaknowasaa? - I'm sorry, I can't - Do you know what I'm saying? - No, I-I don't.
- No.
That's what I'm saying.
- Oh! - "Do you know what I'm saying?" - Oh.
- Knowasa.
Got it.
Got it.
No, no.
And I have been holding off.
Oh, good, good.
Why waste it in practice? You got to save it for the game, knowasa? (CHUCKLES): I do now, bud.
Well, I better get to it.
Hey, wait, wait, wait, hang on, bud.
'Cause Carol and I have a little surprise for you.
CAROL: Ooh, perfect timing.
- I just finished.
- Well, hopefully that's what Todd will be saying in a few short minutes from now.
Is that a - A masturbatorium? Yes, it is.
- Worked well for us, so we thought we'd pay it forward.
- Ah.
- Let me take you through it.
It's no secret that we could use a few more gentlemen in our world, so I wanted to give you something to help you visualize a male result: images of some of the best traits that mankind has to offer.
Like the genius of Albert Einstein and Benjamin Franklin, the panache of Elvis Stojko, the stature of Robert Wadlow, and the robust presence of William Howard Taft, Grover Cleveland, and Donald Trump, our three fattest presidents.
So when you're masturbating, just picture these men.
Okay.
Thanks, Carol.
Now, in terms of lotion, got a lot of options here for you.
But I've gone ahead and preselected my personal favorite.
A 2012 bottle of Golsten Farm's Shea Butter.
Provides fluidity of motion with just the right amount of purchase.
Goes without saying, it is paraben-free, and she's got one hell of a nose on her.
Here.
Get in there.
Come on.
- Now, get in there.
- Mmm.
- See how she opens up? - Mm-hmm.
Here, dance with her.
Yeah.
That's fine.
Yeah, well, this is my stop.
Oh, sure, sure.
Here.
- (CAROL CHUCKLING) - TANDY: Yeah.
O Captain! My Captain! Oh.
Okay, Todd, well, I'll leave you to it.
Okay.
Thanks, Carol.
Okay, now, the first thing you're gonna want to do is to part your pubic thatch and locate your body's dong.
You got it, bud? Next, you're gonna want to think on some kind of alluring scenario.
Bad pitch: You're walking on a polar ice field, and you come upon a stranded dogsled team.
All the dogs are dead natural causes but Sorry, bud.
C-Could I get a little privacy? Oh, yeah.
You got it, bud.
Everybody, be quiet! Todd's about to masturbate! Right now! - (CLAPPING HANDS) - Quiet! Hey, girl.
Oh.
Hey, Melissa.
What's up? I just wanted to thank you.
- Oh.
- Todd's smiling again.
He's laughing.
He's just he's happy.
And it's all 'cause of you.
- Oh.
- You're - just an angel.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - I'm not an angel.
- You are! You are.
Okay.
Well, thanks.
God, I just feel so close to you! Like, we've been friends for a while now, but I think now it's time for us to be friends friends, you know? - Yeah, I-I guess so.
- 'Cause, like, when's the last time we just dished? Or-or did, like, really silly girly stuff, like lip-synched into a wooden spoon or just, aah, got tangled up in ribbons? (CHUCKLES) Oh, I think, I think - never? - What do you say we boogie down the street, get some candles, burn them down, and make new candles.
Am I right, queen? (LAUGHS) Yeah.
You know, I think I'm just gonna - stay here and fold clothes.
- That is so you! You're so funny.
God, you just you just put me in such a silly mood.
Like, I just want to, aah, like, wear a giant tie.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, I'll see you later.
Yeah, you will.
- Okay.
- Big-time.
- Peaches? - Peaches.
Five.
Green beans? - Mm, zero.
- Oh, good.
Who needs them? Well, the babies, for one.
And Todd, if he's trying to produce some quality product.
How about you guys can divvy up my share, and in return, I'll just take all y'all's rest of your chili.
Speaking chili, what we got? Ooh, bad news on the chili front.
Just this one.
Homestyle beefy with extra beef? Yes, please.
- Mom.
- Hand it over.
Mom.
Look at this gas bulge.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Carol, a big bulge has never scared off Gail Klosterman.
So, I'm-a take my chances.
Yeah, maybe I'm overreacting.
You know, I'm just gonna go pick some fruit.
Ooh, how'd it go, bud? Did you produce? Hot dang, the juice is loose! Hey, give it to me.
I'll go run it over to Erica.
Okay, but be careful.
Ooh, heavy.
Grizzle jizzy, bud.
Great job.
Make way! Spermatozoa coming through! Special delivery for one Ms.
Erica Dundee! Oh, uh, sorry, Gail.
Nope.
I'm sorry, but I'm under strict orders to bring this to Erica.
- Just give me the bag.
- Oh, God.
I hate it, too, Gail.
God, I hate it, but, yeah, I got to follow "procotol" here.
Do you mean "protocol"? People pronounce it in many ways, Gail.
Erica, I got your spermatozoa here! Gail! Gail! Oh, you're such fake news! Sad! (ENGINE RUMBLING) (GROANS) (SIGHS) Oh, my gol.
Oh, hi.
I'm so sorry, Erica.
Did you want to sit next to Gail? Melissa, should we maybe, uh, go? - I'm fine right here.
- Really? I-I mean, I insist.
- Todd, I'm fine.
- Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Well, just wondering if you wanted to (WHISPERING): Psst.
Remember? Isn't this funny? - Mm-hmm.
- TODD: So, uh - How did it go? - Um, fine.
Yeah? That's great.
Do you feel like it, um took? I mean, it's-it's probably too early to tell.
- Way too early.
- But I feel like you're glowing.
I mean, do you feel like you're glowing a little bit? - Todd, please.
- I think she looks like she's glowing.
- I - I'm not glowing.
Wine, please.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm! Huh.
Is everything okay, Todd? Just, are you gonna drink that whole thing? - Why? Do you want some? - No.
I'm-I'm doing, uh, water.
You know, because of our whole, you know, little dealio.
That's great.
Good for you.
Oh, my God.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
I wrote a poem.
(CHUCKLES) "Girlfriends.
" There when we laugh, there when we cry.
Hey, Erica, remember this tie? Nail polish.
Boys.
See-through containers.
Putting paper clips in our mouths - to pretend they're retainers.
- Oh.
You're beautiful and smart, and you have so much style.
I can't wait for you and Todd to produce this 'chile.
'" Thank you, Melissa.
No, I'm not done.
This is the sitting portion.
"Seated or standing, we're never apart, 'cause you'll always have a big piece of my heart.
" - The end.
- Cool.
- More wine, hon? - That'd be a hard yes.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - CAROL: Everyone! Everyone! (PANTING) We've got company.
We've got company? Who? I don't know? I didn't see them.
But all the proof I need is in here.
(SIGHS) - Oh, my God.
- CAROL: Yep.
Is this? A bowel movement.
- Ugh.
- But that's not all.
You want to know the weirdest thing about it? That it's sitting on the dinner table? No.
It's fresh.
How do you know it's not Tandy's? - Did you find this under the "city dump" sign? - No.
- At the base of the water slide? - No.
- Next to the toilet at the youth center? - Gross.
I found it near the orange tree.
(QUIETLY): Orange tree.
Orange tree.
Gang, I cannot, in good conscience, take credit for this booty cigar.
- See? - It's probably just Jasper's.
My gut's telling me it isn't.
I mean, the density, the sheen, the crumb This is an adult.
I'm telling you, someone's out there.
Yeah.
His name's Jasper.
Jasper, huh? Well, at least I know he's eating well.
- Todd? - Huh? - What are you doing? - D-Doing inventory.
You know, of-of the entire house.
And I came across this box of What-what is this? (LAUGHS): Oh, that's right.
Tampons.
So, you know, um, my tampon records show that there were six in the box last week, which also jibes with today's count, you know, also six.
So, um I hate to ask this, but I got to do it.
Is that because none were used or? - Oh, my God! - Hey, what's going on in here? Todd is snooping around, trying to figure out if I'm pregnant yet.
Look, I'm sorry, okay? It's just, it's been two weeks, and I am champing, guys.
Maybe I can help.
Uh, Erica, when pregnant, the female breasts often get tender to the touch.
- TODD: Ah.
- So, using the palm of your hand, - make a cupping motion and just - Oh, God! Look, I am taking a pregnancy test today.
- Oh, great.
- I will let you know the results as soon as I get them.
Until then, could you please stay out of my tampon drawer? - Sorry.
- And don't ask me any questions about the sensitivity level of my breasts.
- I would never.
- And generally just avoid me, okay? Todd, I think this might not be your month, bud.
Sounds like someone's getting their period.
Okay, that's it.
Get out.
- Yeah, okay.
Sorry.
- Thanks for coming.
(SIGHS) (CHIMES JINGLING) What you doing, hon? Well, I'm still not convinced that it was Jasper who left his leavings by the orange tree, so just setting up a makeshift alarm system, you know, just in case.
- Whatever floats your boat.
- Well, you know, at the very least, it'll be a calming presence.
(CACOPHONOUS CHIMING) Yeah.
It's like friggin' Rainforest Cafe.
Mmm.
(TODD EXHALES) Hey.
So? Sorry, Todd.
(QUIETLY): Guess you're gonna go hit the sauce.
Sorry, did you say something? I-I'm just gonna come out and say it.
You know, if I were trying to get pregnant, I wouldn't be guzzling wine at every turn like a teen at a hootenanny.
I've been having one glass at dinner, tops.
I saw you having coffee the other day, too.
You know, and you still haven't used that meditation stone I got you, so Look, could you please stop acting like a crazy person?! Yeah, and could you please stop acting like you want this?! Because it's pretty clear you don't.
Look, if this is a preview of how you're gonna be as a father, we might need to change this from a co-parenting situation to more of a sperm donor situation.
Y-You can't do that.
Look, if I put a baby in you, you better believe I'm gonna be a part of its life.
Then maybe you shouldn't put a baby in me.
(SIGHS) Are you here to get me to have a pillow fight or something? Todd told me the news, so I just came to see how you were.
Well, to be honest, I think I need a little space from Todd and other people.
Look, I'm sorry for being weird.
I-I just haven't had many girlfriends in my life.
It's okay.
But just know that whatever happens, it won't change how thankful I am for you even giving this a shot.
Thanks, Melissa.
I wrote you another poem.
- I'm kidding.
- Oh.
(LAUGHS) Phew.
- Okay, Clancy, come to Daddy.
- (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) Come to Daddy.
Oh, good boy.
Good boy.
Now sit up.
Sit up for me.
Oh, good boy.
Good boy.
Oh, hey, bud.
I got us a dog.
Well, it's a robot dog.
Well, the body's a robot, and the head's a dog.
It's a taxidermy head.
Yeah.
Hey, play dead, Clancy.
Ooh.
There we go.
Good boy.
- Isn't that something? - Hmm.
- So, how's it going, bud? - Test was negative, bud.
Oh, I'm so sorry, bud.
Here.
Clancy, comfort Todd.
Hey.
Pat his head.
- Get in there.
- Hey.
Look, you'll get 'em next time.
- If there is a next time.
- Wait, what do you mean? Well, we got in a fight, and I went a little nuts, and now she might want to pull the plug on the whole thing.
- Well, I thought she wanted another kid.
- She does.
I'm just not sure she wants to have one with me.
I see where you're going with this, okay? But, Todd, rest assured I will never barring your early death have a baby with Erica.
Uh, okay.
Thanks.
I mean that, bud.
Firmly.
- Here, bring it in.
- Yeah.
Now, look, she's not gonna call it off.
Bottom line, she wants a baby, and you're her only shot.
Yeah.
I guess I am.
Thanks, bud.
Hey.
Clancy, got a stick! Go, fetch! Fetch! Clamp onto it.
Come on.
(VEHICLE APPROACHING) (DOOR CLOSES) Who are you? (QUIET SNORING) (WIND CHIMES JINGLING) (GASPS) Tandy.
Tandy, did you hear that? I think someone's in the house.
Look, it's probably just the wind, but I'll go check it out, okay? Hello? Anybody there? Hello? Huh.
(SNIFFING, SIGHING) (WHISPERS): Mike.