The Mindy Project s04e14 Episode Script

1 I think you'd have to say that this past year was pretty amazing.
My boyfriend proposed to me, and he gave me a huge ring.
Will you marry me? It's real.
I checked.
Then I gave birth to the world's cutest baby I love you, Leo Castellano.
And got my bikini body back, like, overnight.
Yeah.
Even my new fertility practice started to take off, turning frozen eggs into that dollar-dollar bill.
Yep, in many ways, it was the best year of my life that also contained some of the worst moments of my life.
- You are bullying me.
- We agreed! Now you're changing your mind? I thought we could just go one day without talking about this.
I'm just saying I'd like more kids.
- Oh, this is a betrayal? - It's a betrayal.
And as for this year? Let's say that so far it's been interesting.
[Stevie Wonder's "We Can Work It Out".]
Try to see things my way Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on? While you see it your way Run the risk of knowing That our love may soon be gone We can work it out We can work it out Think of what you're saying You can get it wrong and still think That it's all right Think of what I'm saying We can work it out and get it straight Or say good night We can work it out We can work it out Life is very short And there's no time For fussing and fighting, my friend Hey-ey, I have always thought That it's a crime So I will ask you once again Hey Try to see things my way Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong While you see it your way There's a chance that we might fall apart Before too long We can work it out We can work it out Hey-ey-ey [elevator bell dings.]
This has nothing to do with you, okay? - Yep.
- This is about Mommy and Daddy.
With you, nothing changes.
It's okay.
- It's not you.
- No, it's not your fault.
- What did I do? - It has nothing to do with you.
Why did they do this? We can work it out Got a feeling Yeah [knock at door.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Work it out with me, baby Work it out with me, baby Ahh, life is very short And there's no time For fussing and fighting Peter! What the hell, Peter? I'm sorry.
I was trying I'm trying to paint here.
Oh, God.
I have always thought That it's a crime So I will ask you once again Hey Try to see things my way Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong While you see it your way There's a chance that we might fall apart Before too long We can work it out We can work it out Hey-ey-ey We can work it out Oh, we can work it out Can you work it out, baby? [hip-hop music.]
They were mean to Rosie Perez.
- I like her.
- I had no opinion.
Morning, everyone.
- Shh.
- Hey.
What? Oh, nothing, it's just normally when you come in, you burst into tears when you walk past Dr.
C's old office.
Morgan, what did we say about mentioning you-know-who? She asked me.
What am I supposed to Why are we still getting Danny's Italian "Men's Health?" He hasn't worked her for months.
Oh, didn't mean Danny.
I mean "Daddy," Leo's daddy.
Damn it.
Please don't cry.
Guys, it's fine.
I appreciate you being so careful about the breakup.
Things are okay now between me and Danny.
We're on good terms.
Does that mean he's up for grabs? No, Beverly.
I wouldn't like that.
Are you sure you're okay? 'Cause a month ago, I liked a picture of Dr.
C on Instagram, and you poisoned my plant.
And I also said, "You're a traitor; you're fired," the comment that I have since deleted.
I'm cool now.
In fact, give me his mail.
I'm gonna see him later tonight.
Are you sure that's a good idea? Yes, I'm just dropping Leo off.
Relax.
It's not like we're gonna get in some big fight where I call him a greaseball and throw his protein powder out the window; I already did that.
Can I tell you something right now? I'm proud of you, all right? Thank you, Morgan.
And when you're ready to get back out there, cousin Lou met some great guys on jury duty.
- Okay.
- It was jury duty for them.
He is a murderer.
Alleged murderer.
Alleged, alleged.
I can't believe that it is finally time for Later Baby Spring Break.
I can't believe you actually convinced a bunch of college girls to give up their spring break so you guys could just poke at their private parts.
Why not? Instead of passing out at a foam party and waking up with a pot leaf tattoo, these girls can spend eight medically supervised days enjoying The Big Apple, topping it all off with a simple procedure to freeze their eggs.
Giving them the reproductive freedom to date a string of losers until their late 30s.
And on my end, I have set up a tour of the quarry for the girls, and if we're lucky, we might see the scuba team discover a body.
Colette, would you be a dear and go start some toast for me? [scoffs.]
Oh, fine.
But I might take a couple bites.
Bye.
- Uh, Morgan.
- Yep.
I'm afraid you can't be a part of Later Baby Spring Break.
You're a convicted felon.
It just wouldn't feel right.
- Oh, it wouldn't feel right? - No.
Unfortunately for you, it's Lahiri Fertility Clinic, all right? So there's one lady I answer to.
Tell 'em, boss.
I'm sorry, Morgan, you can't be part of this.
Dr.
K, can you please reason with her? This is the guy that has a history of seducing college girls.
I've never seduced anyone.
I've told you that many times.
I'm reformed now.
I no longer dabble in coeds.
The last woman I slept with was a paralegal in her 40s.
Afterwards, I played Xbox with her son.
That doesn't really prove anything, I think, maybe.
I'm sorry.
It's already done.
Why am I helping? This is worse than jail.
We are so excited to have you here.
This week is not just about freezing your eggs.
It's also about learning sizzling life hacks from a sexually active young career woman.
Now, don't worry.
For your safety, we have issued each of you a whistle and handkerchiefs for blotting this city's very greasy pizza.
Yeah, and get ready for a week of good, clean fun.
I'm talking the Museum of Poverty.
I'm talking a tour of New York's female statues.
I've even arranged an autograph session at the M&M's store with the green one.
And look who's got tickets to Broadway's biggest sensation, "Hamilton.
" Damn.
Can I sell my ticket? - It sounds boring.
- What? You're not interested in the early history of the U.
S.
Treasury Department? No, I thought this was supposed to be spring break.
Jody, can't you take us out? I want to go to the club where Lil Wayne woke up from his coma.
[chuckles.]
Well, it's Dr.
Kimball-Kinney, and no, I cannot.
I'm sorry, "Shh-lo.
" It's not gonna be that kind of spring break.
Actually, alcohol is not permitted on this trip.
It's really not good for your procedure.
Now, take it away, Tamra.
[whistle blasts.]
All right, I'm your chaperone, Nurse Webb.
I ain't never had no power before, and I do plan on abusing it.
Now, let's get into some gowns for your initial exams.
Come on, "Shh-lo.
" Hustle up.
Hazing, hazing, hazing! Let's get these pap smears crackin'.
Come on, ladies.
[jazzy music.]
Now, don't forget.
You're chaperoning with Tamra tonight.
You've got to be at the Richard Rogers by 7:30.
If you're late, they won't let you in till after the Revolutionary War.
Chill, man.
I've been to a play before.
I've seen "Thunder From Down Under" like, nine times.
I just have to drop Leo off at Danny's first.
[elevator bell dings.]
[clears throat.]
[exhales.]
[clears throat.]
[clears throat.]
Do you want to say something to me? It's just I've noticed that you and Danny are spending an awful lot of time together for a couple that's broken up.
Okay, all right, we share a son.
And if he spends all of his time with Danny, he's gonna turn on me.
The other day, he knocked a Dorito out of my hand and said, "Mama, no.
Just chill it.
" A lot of time.
That's all I'm saying.
We can be broken up and still spend time in the same room.
Danny and I are having a modern uncoupling, like Coldplay in "Goop.
" [quirky music.]
[knock at door.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, there's my little guy.
[in Donald Duck voice.]
Oh, hello, Leo.
How are you today? He's like a duck [mumbling.]
Yeah, he loves the duck.
He loves it.
You love it too.
[speaking in Donald Duck voice.]
How's he doing? - Really good.
- [laughs.]
Yeah, he saw Hillary on TV the other day, made a little fist.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
That's my boy.
Hey, come on in.
Let's go.
Thank you.
Oh, some mail came for you at work.
Oh, great.
Thanks, appreciate it.
Whoa, is that a lasagna I smell or one of your weight-loss candles? That is the real deal right there.
Hey, why don't you come in? Wanna have some and, I don't know, maybe stay for story time with Leo? I ca mm.
Come in.
Uh, okay.
- Okay.
- Great.
All right.
- Good night, pal.
- Good night, sweetheart.
Sleep happy.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
Can I just say you are a captivating storyteller? Thank you.
It's fun to read a children's book to someone who's always surprised by the end.
Hey, you want to stay for another? You know, just make sure Leo's asleep.
I'll let you turn the pages.
[quirky music.]
[phone buzzing.]
[quirky music.]
- Hello, Mindy.
- Oh, my God! My bear claw.
You cannot scare me like that.
You know my doctor says that I have the heart of an 80-year-old coal miner.
How was "Hamilton" last night? - It was great.
- Is that so? It was my favorite musical I've ever seen.
How was the music? Why don't you sing me a few bars? Sure, I would love to.
My name's Al Hamilton, I'm here to say That is not in "Hamilton" what you're doing right now.
Admit it.
You didn't even go to the show.
Okay, you're right.
You're right; I didn't go to see "Hamilton" last night.
I was hanging out with Danny.
But, Jody, he plied me with lasagna.
He wove me these amazing tales of a bear that lost a button, a hat guy, and a monkey.
One thing led to another, and I told you this would happen.
He's still got his hook in your mouth.
He just gave you a little extra line so he could reel you back in.
I am not a fish, Jody.
I am a woman, who, yes, one time ate a worm to pledge a sorority.
But what's the big deal anyway? Wasn't Tamra with the girls? It was horrible, Dr.
L.
They were drunk before Hamilton had even proposed the national bank, which I still think gives the federal government too much power.
They got kicked out of the theater, then they ran around the city cutting dogs loose from their leashes.
They cut who from their what? Morgan, just give us a moment.
Okay, I'll go, but these girls are sick, and if I had come with you, none of this would have ever happened.
It's the new teen bad behavior trend, "leashing," and I ain't never even heard of it until last night.
Oh, no.
Am I old? It gets worse.
Check this out.
They leashed some pretty prominent dogs.
I'm sorry, if I could just take a quick moment.
Frisbee, if you're listening, I miss you so much.
[gasps.]
I can't believe that our last conversation was a fight.
If you come back, I won't ever run the vacuum cleaner around you ever again, because I know you hate that, and as for you, New York, please join me in wearing a gray ribbon until Frisbee is found.
Stay strong, Frisbee.
Stay Frisbee-strong, everyone.
We'll be right back with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
I saw dozens of those gray ribbons on the subway.
I thought it was to prevent old people from driving.
Get your asses in here.
Sit down.
You girls are out of control.
And this is coming from a girl who got so drunk, she fell out of the basket of a hot-air balloon.
Your parents sent you here to freeze your eggs, not wild out.
What's "wild out" mean? Is that like "slaying" from the early 2000s? [laughter.]
Okay, okay, okay, okay, Tamra, it's not worth it.
I knew it, I knew it; this city has corrupted these girls.
It's corrupted them all.
It's not a surprise, really.
It happens to everyone.
Just the other day, I ate with my elbows on the table.
This is supposed to be spring break.
One of my friends is already missing in Aruba.
When you guys came to my college, Jody led me to believe this trip would be a lot more fun.
Hey, it's not Jody.
It's Dr.
Kimball-Kinney, which, yeah, is hard to say.
But if we have to say it, so do you.
I'm sorry it's come to this, but I think it's time to implement a lock-in right here tonight at this practice.
Tamra will gather your personal effects from the hotel.
What's a lock-in? Is it like a sleepover? - Sort of.
- Yes.
I'm great at sleepovers.
I will do any dare in a Truth-or-Dare.
One time, I snuck upstairs, touched my friend's dad's penis while he was sleeping.
- What? - All right.
Dr.
Lahiri, I think you can you can take the night off.
I didn't, like, rub it or anything.
I just touched it.
Your priorities have been made clear.
I'm sorry.
Are you trying to kick me out? I'm just suggesting Absolutely not, Jody.
You know why? This is my business.
These are girls are my everything.
They all idolize me.
- Come on, squad.
- Whoa.
Okay, I stepped in a trash can; it's fine.
- You okay? - Come on, girls.
Come with me.
We want to stay with Jody.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, you do, do you? Mindy.
Well, that's fine.
I have cool plans myself.
I'm gonna take a trash can off my foot.
[quirky music.]
In other news, it's now been almost two days since Frisbee Meyers was leashed.
As the city rallies behind Seth, one can't help but lose hope.
What? Oh, my God.
This is bad.
If you have any information on the whereabouts of Frisbee Meyers, please call this number.
There is a $250,000 reward.
Oh, for God sakes.
Oh.
Eggplant? Whoa, Danny.
Yeah, that makes more sense.
All right, all right, this is a good old-fashioned lock-in, which means no one can come in or out.
And why would you want to? We have such an exciting evening in store.
I have ordered authentic New York-style pizza, and we have two classic movies starring other people who like to break the rules, "Gran Torino" and "Ulee's Gold.
" Yes, Tracy? Where's Chloe? Chloe? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is not happening.
There is a clause in the application that says no girl shall vanish into the night.
Tamra, you and I shall go find her.
Jeremy, you shall take over.
Unbelievable.
Hey, you see this building right here? All my friends are working all night, and I have to go home.
Eh, forget it.
Hey, you see this dog? If I find this dog, they will freak out and have to accept me.
My friend, you were a big help to me.
I got a headline for you tomorrow.
Tell your buddies.
Ready for this? "Man helps man.
" Leo's asleep.
He won't hear any noise.
God.
Ugh, I just feel so marginalized at work these days.
I mean, like, I know I'm not perfect, but it's my company.
They're treating me like I'm Donald Sterling.
If anything, I'm V.
Stiviano.
Okay, I'm taking off my pants.
Which way do you want to face? Honey, I'm trying to talk to you about something.
What? Yeah, okay, let's just do missionary, and then I'll face the headboard when we really get going.
Great plan.
I love it.
Okay.
[quirky music.]
Oh, thank God.
There you are.
Oh, now, lookee here, young lady, no more.
That bourbon's not for you.
This is for my adult associates and for parents when they have a male child.
It's so funny hearing girls call you Dr.
Kimball-Kinney when I know you as Jody.
It's such a hot secret.
It is not a hot secret.
Lots of people call me Jody.
Doris the cleaning woman calls me Jody.
- Are you sleeping with her too? - No.
I'll kill her.
You and I are not sleeping together.
We slept together once months ago while your roommate was at rehearsals for "Noises Off.
" But you shared my extra-long twin with me.
You ate all of my gummy vitamins.
You know, my mom sent me those in a care package.
Did that mean nothing? It was a mistake.
I don't do this anymore.
That's what you said last time.
Ohh.
- Uh.
- Come here.
No.
- No.
- Look who I found.
Dr.
K "Shh-lo?" - Hey.
- Oh, uh This is not what it looks like, Morgan.
[quirky music.]
Hey, are you using my toothbrush? No.
Hey, I think my refractory's over.
Yep, it is.
Whoa, baby.
[quirky music.]
Son of a bitch.
You ready for round two? Whose lipstick is this? It's not mine.
[sighs.]
Are you sleeping with other people? Uh, I don't know what you want me to say to that.
I cannot believe you, Danny.
You're just letting some skank into your bedroom doing all the skanky things that I do to you? Did she do my signature move? No, of course not.
No one volunteers to do that.
I don't even like it that much anyway.
- Oh, you don't? - No, I don't.
- You don't like it? - It's okay.
Oh, you like it.
You liked it all over the bedspread.
How could you do that? I'll tell you how.
You left.
Remember? I was stifling you.
And you chose your job over us having a happy family.
Does that ring a bell? That is a very one-sided description of what happened.
Either way, did you think I was never gonna be with someone else? Well, I never thought it would be this soon.
I never thought I'd be single again.
Fine.
Meanwhile, I could never picture being with someone else.
The idea of it makes me sick.
Yeah.
Come on.
Don't do that, okay? Just you should feel no pressure at all to have sex with anyone ever again.
It's different for women.
You know, you could I mean, I'm a guy, so we have needs, and so we do things, but you could go, like you're gonna probably go the rest of your life never having sex with anybody, right? [laughs.]
[laughs.]
- I'm gonna go.
- Don't go.
And I'm taking this with me, okay? 'Cause it's nicer than the brand I use.
Bye.
Good night.
[phone chiming.]
- Hello.
- Dr.
L, it's Morgan.
I'm here with Dr.
K.
It's about Chloe.
Is that how it's pronounced? I know.
I was just as surprised as you.
Anyways, I was right about this guy.
He's a complete pervert.
I caught him getting gross with Chloe.
- Yes, I did.
- What? That is not true.
Jody, are you out of your mind? I made one indiscretion months ago, but I have not done anything wrong since.
This girl has a powerful crush on me.
You know I would do that to our practice, Mindy.
You know what, Jody? I believe you.
Because if I was a 19-year-old idiot, I'd probably try to hook up with you too.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm a dog hero.
How come no one wants to sleep with me ever? Morgan, I don't have time for this, okay? Can you please put her on the phone? I want to talk to her.
Oh, you want to talk to Chloe? Oh, where's Chl Chloe? Chloe? Oh, right.
That's right.
She's gone.
She's probably in the cargo hold of a ship right now.
[in Russian accent.]
You want to be famous actress in Ukraine, then crawl into actress cage.
[stammers.]
Morgan! - That's on you, Jack.
- Hey, Morgan.
Really bad time to test out a character on me, okay? - What? - Wait.
I have an idea.
I think I know where to find her.
Where? We'll meet you.
Where are you? Dr.
L? [quirky music.]
These are my favorite.
Chloe, it's me, your cool egg doctor.
Hey! Who are you talking to? Get out of here, stupid greasers.
Do you know how fertile you are right now? You could get pregnant from a handshake.
What are you doing here, Dr.
"Lame-hiri"? - [gasps.]
- How did you even find me? I found you because I remembered that you wanted to go to the club where Lil Wayne woke up from his coma.
Turns out that happened at six different places, so I've been all over town.
At this place, Calvin Harris called me a loser and told me to leave.
Don't laugh at that.
It was very hurtful.
Sorry.
[scoffs.]
Jody told me what happened.
I told him things I'd never told anyone before, like how much pressure I feel to dress cute, because I'm pretty.
But now he's acting like nothing ever happened.
Breakups are the worst.
Yeah.
I am beginning to feel like the only way to truly get over someone that you cared a lot about is to start a new chapter.
How do I do that? He's all I think about.
He looks like all the old trees on my campus.
You're already starting a new chapter.
Yeah, you're freezing your eggs, which is gonna give you time to find the right guy.
Now all you have to do is make a clean break with the old one.
I do have my eye on my English professor.
That's one option.
You know, I would look at the undergraduate population first and then townies and then professors.
[laughs.]
[quirky music.]
We'll miss you, Dr.
Reed.
We couldn't have done this without you.
What are you talking about? I'm a dog hero.
You all could have gone to jail.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thanks.
I can't believe we did it.
No one was too traumatized.
We retrieved all those eggs.
Two girls fell in love.
And the best part is, they got to spend a week with a strong role model.
Yeah, Bev really has survived a lot of diseases.
No, Mindy.
You're the role model.
[indistinct chatter.]
[gentle music.]
Oh, my God.
[laughter.]
[knock at door.]
[exhales.]
Is everything okay? It's the middle of the night.
It's almost 10:00.
What's going on? I don't think we should sleep together anymore.
Okay, keep your voice down, okay? I don't want you to wake the neighbors; come inside.
- Let's talk about it.
- No one's asleep.
The sun just set.
There's more.
Just let me finish.
I also don't think we should see each other anymore, more than we absolutely need to.
It's just too easy for me to slip back into thinking that things are the way that they were.
Well, things aren't so bad, are they? No, they're not.
No.
But they're not good, either.
Good-bye, Danny.
[sighs.]
[quirky music.]
[chuckles.]
[computer chimes.]
Dr.
L, I did something pretty cool.
Click this link.
- Okay.
- Dr.
L, come quick.
Dr.
Reed left his breakfast calzone in the kitchen.
It's a feeding frenzy! [gasps.]
Ladies and gentlemen, our next guest is a nurse at Shulman & Associates, a woman's health clinic downtown.
He's also the man who found my dog, Frisbee.
Give a warm welcome to Morgan Fairchild "Ransom" Tookers.
Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful? Isn't she precious? - Uh - I've already committed.
I already committed.
Sorry, yep, yep.
Please take a seat.
Wow.
Thank you so, so much for being here.
Thank thank you for having me.
It's great to to be here.
Um, what's new with you? Oh, that's not how this is not how that works.
I would ask you, "What's new with you?" - [laughter.]
- Uh So you very much wanted to come out here.
You made that very clear to me, and I was happy to oblige because of finding my dog.
What now, you're a nurse.
Yeah, a nurse practitioner.
Okay, gotcha.
Now, what's the difference between a nurse and a nurse practitioner? Basically, a nurse is oh, shh Okay, that's never that's never happened to a guest.
Please help me up.