The Office (US) s04e14 Episode Script

Hello, this is Dwight Schrute.
- Hello? - Hello, this is Dwight.
Hello? Hello? Yes, we do have that.
Hold on one second.
- Jim what are you doing? - And how many would you like? - Hang that up right now.
- I can get that out to you immediately.
It's an imposter.
Don't do business with him, this is not Dwight Schrute.
Dwight left his cell phone on his desk.
So, naturally, I paired it to my headset.
Okay, fine, I'll just let it go to voice mail.
- Hello, this is Dwight.
- Hey, is this Dwight? - Yes, it is.
- Oh, my goodness, you sound sexy.
Thank you.
I've been working out.
You're not talking to Dwight right now.
You're talking to Jim.
Pam, I'm over here.
I'm confused.
Disconnect that right now.
- You give me your earpiece.
- I can't do that.
Unsanitary.
You know what, fine.
I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone.
Done.
This is Dwight.
And I forwarded his desk phone to mine.
Oh, hello, mater.
Good news, I've married.
Tell fater.
Such a nice woman.
Episode 4x14 "GOODBYE, TOBY" (1.
00) Today is Toby Flenderson's last day.
I couldn't sleep last night.
I came in extra early.
So much energy.
There are certain days that you know you'll remember the rest of your life.
And I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.
- Morning.
- Mornin'.
So here we go.
Just a matter of hours now until his horribleness has left the building.
I'm going to set my watch alarm And Good morning, Kelly.
I can't believe this is your last day.
How do you feel? Fine.
Good.
I feel weird.
First thing on the agenda.
Actually, the only thing on the agenda is that status of Toby's going away party.
We have a buttercream cake and a slide show of Toby.
But so far we only have two pictures of him.
Okay, well, this will not do.
Toby is going away forever, and we need to do something very, very special.
In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade, and they have a band.
And people party in the streets.
Do you mean leaves as in dies? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans funeral? If the devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have? - Michael - Like a beach blowout? - Or a toga - No, you know No! - Toga! - You always do this.
We have a nice, modest party planned, and you come in and demand the world.
Let me be clear.
There is simply no money for anything other than a cake, and to develop a few more slides.
Although Toby won't be in them.
I thought that you might say that.
Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for $50.
And lately she has been sending me, like, nine or ten checks a year.
As Nana starts to But I knew I should be saving it for something.
I just didn't know what I should be saving it for.
And then I had an awakening.
Michael, buy a motorcycle.
So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.
I want a party that makes me feel like I'm flying through the air without this ugly weight holding me down.
You know? I want an antigravity machine.
I saw it in a movie.
You drink a potion, and then you just start floating all around.
So how much antigravity potion do you want? No, you know what? This is not a party-planning committee anymore.
And I don't want your foot money, and I feel uncomfortable participating.
Phyllis.
Can you do this? Yes.
- Hi, can I help you? - Hi, yes.
I'm Holly Flax.
I was told to ask for Mr.
Flenderson.
As part of my last day, I'm training the new human resources rep in the ways of the company.
Again, the company has allotted for this training one day.
So this is H.
R.
This is your desk.
I love the view.
Yeah, it's great, isn't it? Hey.
Hey.
What? Guess who just got into the Pratt school of design.
No way! What'd I say? I said that they'd love those sketches.
- Congrats.
- Oh, thank you.
I don't know why I doubted it.
Because I'm so clearly awesome.
Yes.
So when do you start? I didn't read it carefully.
I just saw "congratulations," and skimmed the list.
I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack.
Busy morning.
So you know, it means I have to go to New York for three months.
It's not a big deal.
I'll come visit you.
And you'll visit me.
It's only two hours away.
It'll be fine.
- It's gonna suck, but it'll be great.
- Yeah, it sucks, but it'll be great.
See how easy that is? I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim.
And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn't go then either.
So the timing's perfect.
And that is the first time I've ever used the word "perfect" in here.
Hey, Stanley.
I want to introduce you to Toby's replacement.
So what do we know about her? Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great.
Oh, strike one.
I hate her already.
I hate her too.
Why do you hate her? Because she stinks with her ways and her head.
You know, Dwight, sometimes I don't know, I think you say things just to agree with me.
- Would that be such a bad thing? - Yeah, it would.
Just have a thought.
Have an original thought! Although I will agree that her head is weird.
- You know what we need to do? - What? - We need to sell her an elevator pass.
- But our elevator doesn't require a Exactly.
A little old-fashioned hazing.
Hi, are there any local companies that rent antigravity machines? - Antigravity machines? - That's right, yeah.
What do they do, exactly? They make you feel lighter.
Antigravity Antidepressant? I could put you through to someone on that.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Hey, Michael? - Oh, hey, do you still work here? I'd like to introduce you to my replacement.
- Come on.
- No.
I think I'll pass.
Michael Scott, this is Holly.
- Hi.
- Hi, yeah, right.
Okay, well, they hired a female Toby.
Good for the world.
Thank you, god, for creating two of you.
Here's how things work here.
My job is to make the office fun, your job is to make the office lame.
And we have an eternal struggle, you and I.
And only one of us can be the winner.
Spoiler alert I'm gonna win.
Man, someone doesn't like H.
R.
Yeah.
- What did you do to him? - Nothing.
T No, he tortured me with his awfulness.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I nearly fell asleep when he gave me a tour of the files.
Well, look, I'll let you get back to work, but I really look forward to working with you, Mr.
Scott.
You can p Michael.
Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against human resources.
I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters.
What I failed to consider, though, is that not all monsters are bad.
Like E.
T.
Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe.
Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet.
- The pleasure is all mine.
- Oh, thanks.
I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more - about what you do here.
- Any time.
What do you do here? Excuse me.
What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business.
What do I do? Really, what do I do here? I should have written it down.
"Qua" something.
Qua Quar Quibo Qual Quir Quabity.
Quabity assuance.
No.
No, no, no, no.
But I'm getting close.
Have you been introduced to Kevin? No.
Which one's Kevin? He's here on a special work program.
He's slow, you know, in his brain.
- Oh, good for you guys.
- Yeah Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.
Accounting department, listen up.
Holly, human resources.
- Angela, Oscar, and Kevin.
- Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
What do you do? I do the numbers.
Oh, good for you.
Do you want an M&M? Oh, no, that is so sweet.
But thank you, though.
Yeah, I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.
Well, that is a very safe place for them.
- Yeah.
- Here she is.
Holly.
You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath of her.
So I know.
Sorry.
Question.
Are you real, or are you a Hollygram? Nice.
I've never heard that one before, actually.
- That's good.
- I bet.
Are these guys boring your ears off? No, no, I What is your commute like? How long does it take to get in? You know, I should make you a mix.
Do you have a CD player? Yeah.
- All right.
- Thanks.
Great.
Do you like it? It's a photo of everyone in the office.
So you can take it to Costa Rica.
- You're You're not in it.
- Well, I was taking the picture.
I love it.
I love it.
I would love a picture of the two of us to also take to Costa Rica.
- Sure, do you have a camera here? - No Does anyone have a camera here? No one has a camera here.
I'm gonna I'll go get one.
Stay.
So I just got the fax.
Closing the sale, and it's big.
- It is really big.
- Congratulations.
Don't interrupt.
Congratulations on doing your job.
- You put the sale on the web site? - No, I didn't.
I just logged it in.
Try to be a team player here, Jim.
Log it in the web site.
- Well, it already went through, so - Don't worry about that.
Just re-log it.
Hello? Hike up your skirt a little more Jim? - I am downloading some n3p music - That's not it.
Yeah.
- for a cd mix tape for Holly.
- Close.
And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.
What are the two levels? The two levels being welcome to Scranton and I love you.
Okay, let's start with the "I love you" level.
Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton that made it big? - Was that U2? - Yes.
You don't love Holly.
- I think I do.
- But you just met her.
Well, it was love at first sight.
Actually, it was No.
It was when I heard her voice.
It was love at first see with my ears.
Oh okay, it doesn't work like that.
Well, you're not a romantic.
Actually, I think I am, and I've a little bit of experience in office romance.
- Oh, really? Like, with who? - Yeah.
- We've been through this.
- Pam? Yes, we are still dating.
And guess what.
I took it slow.
Yeah, you took it too slow.
- Well, we're really happy.
- This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.
And that's really sweet.
And you can think that, but you don't say that out loud.
And you definitely don't say it to her.
I don't want her to get away.
I know.
Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that.
Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there.
I mean, first time we joked around was at my desk.
And the first meal we ever had was in the break room, actually.
We were at two separate tables and I remember that.
The first time we kissed even was right outside, and Look.
All I'm saying is that you can get to know someone really, really well, like I did Right here at work.
I was thinking fireworks for the party.
What do you think? Oh, boy, I appreciate your help, but I can't Oh, no.
I just meant I wanted to pay to have fireworks at the party.
Why would you do that? Because I'm gonna miss Toby.
Yep, he's a heck of a guy, and I think we should send him off right.
It doesn't matter.
Here you go.
Really? Well, we all want a good party, right? I'm going to propose tonight.
Holy crap! - Hey, Kevin.
- Hi.
Do you need some help? I can't decide what to get.
Well, what do you like to eat? Well, I like pretzels, but I really like chips.
Well, how much money do you have there? Okay, let's see.
This is a button.
Okay, you have 75 cents.
So that means you could get anything up on the top row.
I am totally gonna bang Holly! She is cute and helpful, and she really seems into me.
Hey, Ryan, it's Jim.
I don't know what you got lately, but you know what, I really don't care because you're trying to get rid of me.
And I bet you think I don't care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you're wrong, because I do, and I will.
So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what I'm not going anywhere.
Damn it! Hello, Holly.
What are you doing? You don't You don't have to do that.
I mean, we have already put-together chairs.
That's how we buy them, actually.
I'm trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby's chair, and that made this up/down lever thing not work.
And then I took the whole chair apart, and that is the story of me on the floor.
It's pretty good, right? I'm gonna sell the movie rights.
And the sequel, woman stands at desk and works.
So, I have no idea how you How you sit like that.
Yoga.
Sit on floor and put together chair we will.
Yo-da.
Pass curvy metal piece you will.
So are you in town this weekend? 'Cause I'm not I'm not I'm not gonna be in town.
I'm going out of town.
So you can't make my orgy? Kidding.
Kidding.
Acting! - Acting! - Acting! Lovitz.
Yeah.
I did it.
- What'd you do? - I talked to her Holly.
Just pleasantries.
Nothing, you know, not like, do you want kids? Or religion or what side of the bed do you want? Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point.
- Okay, so how'd that feel? - It was hard.
I wanted to kiss her.
Oh, I'm so glad you didn't.
Oh, god.
Laying a base.
- Laying a base.
- There you go.
There's plenty of base laying left, right? Yeah.
Hello, Angela.
Phyllis, you look like you're gonna have a heart attack.
Could I get a list of your vendors? - I shredded it.
- Why would you do that? Gosh, I just don't know.
Why do you think? Sorry.
What'd you guys do? Oh, there he is.
Thought you had gone home already.
Why don't you go home and come back for the party? Well, we still have to do the exit interview.
Yes, we do.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
I've been looking forward to this moment.
Very, very much.
I I have been steeped in anticipation.
Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for 12 years, and I am now his cruise director.
And my name is captain Bruisin'.
- Thanks, Michael.
I didn't expect - Can I just say that of all the idiots in all the idiot villages in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend.
- Hello.
- Hey! - Hi, good to see you.
- You too.
I'm just having a little exit interview.
Yeah, I know.
That's why I'm here.
No, no.
This is very boring stuff.
Why don't you take a tour? Have you seen the bailer? No, no, I'll look at it later.
It's part of my job.
Okay.
- Did you need me to take notes? - Hi, Pam.
Stay.
Okay.
All right.
Well then, I will proceed.
I just have some questions that I was gonna ask.
Who do you think you are? I'm Toby.
Yeah.
Correct.
What gives What What gives you the right? I brought the binder.
Do you wanna take a little look? Sure, you know what, that sounds good.
I'll take a little looksie.
- Here we go.
- Thank you.
"What would you improve "about Dunder Mifflin?" This place - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I've got some ideas.
I'm not asking it, I'm just reading it out loud.
Oh, I'd like to hear the answer.
Well, let me see.
I would I'll kill you.
I guess everything's okay.
I made it this far, right? What's the point? Why don't you open your present? This might not be what I think that I don't even know's in there 'cause there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don't know which is which.
"Suck on this.
" - What the hell is that? - Michael What do you mean "Michael"?! That's not even my handwriting.
Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?! - You did.
You made me wrap it.
- No! I thought it was over the line.
I just You know what that is? You know what that is? That is a psyche.
Psyche.
So, that is not my real gift to Toby.
- So what is your gift? - My gift is forthcoming, Pam.
What is it? I am going to give Toby Your watch? Yes, I am.
That was it.
How did you know that? - I just knew.
- How did you know? Oh, that is so sweet.
Well That's my watch.
Thanks.
I'm gonna set it to Costa Rica time.
Hey, that's good.
Hey, it's the kid.
Look, look, look.
It's the temp.
Look.
- Oh, my gosh.
- It's the temp.
- Is that the police? - Yes.
This is what happened.
Ryan's big project was the web site, which wasn't doing so well.
So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice.
Once as office sales, and once as web site sales.
Which's what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders.
Another good term is fraud.
The real crime, I think, was the beard.
Oh, my god.
Ryan.
Oh, my god.
I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison.
I'm gonna wear my hottest track suit and get my hair done.
And then be, like, "Hi, Ryan.
" And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, "Damn! "Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend.
"I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison.
" Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan? Absolutely.
Right to voice mail.
Hey, Ryan, it's Jim.
You know what? Totally disregard that last voice mail because you obviously have your hands tied.
Good luck.
What's protocol on this? Well, I normally do nothing, I guess.
You shouldn't Michael, are you okay? I'm just worried about my friend.
Of course you are.
Just I'm fine.
I'm holding it together.
I have a business to run.
I'm cool.
No, hey, stop.
You can let yourself be upset.
He's your friend.
You know what I usually find? Holly is sweet and simple.
Like a lady baker.
I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here.
She has that kind of warmth.
I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level.
Cool! A bouncy house! Kevin, take your shoes off first.
No anti-gravity machine, huh? Sorry, Michael.
I don't think they're real.
The ferris wheel is pretty cool, though.
Look at our parking lot.
Yeah, who'd have thought? Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn't he? No, he's not.
Is he? Oh, it was a pretty good company, but I just couldn't see a future there.
They kept hiring from the outside.
It was easy to get in, but impossible to rise up.
That's what she A lot of places are like that.
I think it's really cool you hired Kevin.
Thanks.
- You have it? - Almost.
Here we go, here we go.
Put it in.
That that's my car.
What are you doing? - What the hell's going on here?! - Nothing you need to know.
- There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight! - No, there's not.
- Why did you do that? - It was playful hazing.
No, there's no such thing as playful hazing.
Dwight, I want you to look at Holly now.
Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now.
And maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you'll see what I see in her.
And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here.
Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II.
She is the best.
- Take care of that, all right? - It's not rabid.
- Thanks for bringing that up.
- Get it out, come on, get it out.
I'm really sorry.
Michael, thank you so much for saying that.
I feel so welcome here.
I just Excuse me.
Did you see that? Did you see it? Did you see what Well, Jan didn't believe in showing affection, so sometimes I don't know how to react to when a girl touches me.
I like it.
Mrs.
Vance, we're all out.
Kev, I need you to do me a solid and go buy some more barbecue sauce.
Okay.
Cool.
You drive your own car? Yup, this is my car.
Do you drive your own car? Yep, just like you.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
I'm really proud of you.
All right.
Let's hear it for Darryl and his band.
You know what? Let's also give a shout out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh? Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? But the real reason that we are here is to say good-bye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again.
Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter.
Song parody writer.
I have done things like Beers in heaven.
- Classic.
- Or Total eclipse of the fart.
- Not my favorite, but - I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today.
I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby.
Do you know - Goodbye stranger, Supertramp? - Yeah.
It was early morning yesterday I was up before the dawn and I really have enjoyed my stay but Toby must be moving on I'm gonna miss Toby.
He has a nice, calming presence in the office.
Goodbye, Toby it's been nice hope you find your paradise Don't tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute.
Come tomorrow feel no pain Feel no pain Toby's goin' away! See ya! See ya, Toby, see ya! He's outta here.
Goodbye, Toby - Not bad.
- Oh, hey.
Thanks.
Someday I would love to hear Beers in heaven.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Well, actually, too soon.
It's It's very sexual.
Sorry.
Kevin.
Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy.
Yeah, Michael, I'm at Gerrity's.
You have to come down here.
Just pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you get back.
No, I brought my money.
There's something that you need to see.
- What is it? - Just hurry.
- Is he okay? - Yeah, he needs me at the supermarket.
The party, driving to the supermarket It was a big day for him.
Yeah, that's true.
Don't move a muscle.
I will be back momentarily, all right? No, you can Finish your drink and then I'll I'll be back.
- It was good to see you.
- It was great to see you, Jan.
Okay.
- Hello, Jan.
- Hello Michael.
Kevin, really? We're Sorry, we're in the middle of a party.
Is this why you called me? Yeah, Michael, I just I think you kids have a lot to catch up on.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Thanks, Kevin.
I can't believe it! Look at you! - Are you nauseous? - No.
Do you Do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecia or my Accutane? - No, I didn't touch that.
- Good.
Thank god.
'Cause that's Wow, I'm so happy.
I am so deliriously happy.
- Why? - Because you're pregnant.
And because it obviously happened when we were together, and - I am very proud - Yeah, it did happen when we were together.
That's true.
But you are not You're not the dad.
You cheated on me? - When I specifically asked you not to? - No, I did not I did not cheat on you.
I did not.
Well okay.
Okay.
So it's not mine, and it's not somebody else's, so I know the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so I went to a sperm bank.
You did? - When we were going out? - Yeah.
I don't understand.
You always used to be very cautious.
- I'd wear two condoms.
- I know.
You'd rather have somebody else's sperm than mine? No, no, no.
It's not just any sperm bank.
I mean, it's really This is a really, really great place.
It's amazing, actually.
I'm gonna bring you the catalogue.
You should look through it.
It's And it's a fact, it's right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables.
Ihop.
Ihop.
If I was 22 and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a shot at one.
But honestly, I need to make this one count.
That's really good.
I feel so much better.
I just needed to get all of that out onto the table.
I'm glad you told me.
I don't know what you're gonna be doing tomorrow, but I have my lamaze class in Allentown.
And you could come.
I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner.
I've to think about it.
Okay.
My whole life, I have known two things.
I love sex, and I want to have kids.
And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand.
But now, I think it might be one or the other.
Oh, look they're starting.
Well, I hope you had fun today.
'Cause you're never ever throwing a party again.
Can I have your attention, please? I was waiting for the right time to do this, and I can't think of a better time than right now, with the music playing, and all our friends around, and the fireworks going off.
My parents are here Andrew and Ellen Bernard.
Thank you for sharing in this joyous moment.
Miss Angela Martin, will you please join me onstage? Okay, then I will come to you, my flower.
Damn it! Angela Will you do me the honor Of giving me your tiny hand in marriage? Okay.
Into the mike, sweetie.
I said okay.
She said yes! And the crowd goes wild! I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years.
Because you don't know when you're gonna meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right.
And tonight, with the fireworks and the music and everything it was right.
Can I be your bridesmaid? No.
Well It's my own fault.
Tuna! I'm engaged! I know.
That's awesome, man.
That's great.
Mr.
Andrew Bernard.
It's got a nice ring to it.
Hey.
Hey, you know, I just realized I don't have a picture of the two of us.
Oh, yeah - Yeah.
Could we? - Sure.
Meredith, do you mind? - This one right here.
- Okay.
One, two, three.
Oh, let's do it again.
Pam, your smile is weird.
It's digital, so just take as many as you want.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
I don't know, I just I really thought Jim was gonna propose tonight.
- Hey there.
- Hey.
- So, you missed something really big.
- Yeah? Andy proposed to one of your accountants.
I'm not so specific as I can be on my first day, but Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela.
I can also see him proposing to Oscar.
So You know, somehow, after all those ribs, I'm still really hungry.
I don't know, I was thinking of maybe going off-campus somewhere and getting some dessert.
Well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner.
Ask Stanley about that.
He practically lives there.
Okay.
I'll go to the diner with you.
That would be great.
Yeah, we can go eat pie.
I love pie.
- Me too.
- Okay.
- Have a good night.
- Okay.
Good night.
Yeah, it was a good day.
I mean, first day's are always the hardest, right? Well, I should go.
I gotta buckle him in.
Well, this is it.
- I am here to see you off.
- Thanks.
Really, Michael? Sorry, corporate policy.
- It's not.
- You might take something.
- Don't think he's gonna take anything.
- Okay, security guard.
Oh, some kind of alarm.
Okay.
Hi, Jan, it's Michael.
I just I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your lamaze class tomorrow.
And if there is any details you need to fill me in on, like what, exactly, lamaze is, that would be great.
And I will see you tomorrow morning.
I am going to be kind of a daddy.
Party planning's a real high.
Like a runner's high.
- Oh, my god! - What?