The Ranch (2016) s04e14 Episode Script

1 [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO.]
What the hell was Colt doing out here all alone? He knows better.
It's gonna be okay.
Tell Abby we're gonna swing down by the creek.
Ever since Maggie took him to see Disney On Ice, at the sign of a first freeze, he puts on his skates, then he pretends he's this fucking French candle in Beauty and the Beast.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, despite that, we should probably still try to find him.
I can't believe how fast this cold snap got here.
I'm sure we heard about it last minute 'cause Al Gore and his people want everybody to believe that it's always warm.
You know, Al and his wife came into the Cracker Barrel during the campaign.
I'll never forget it.
I gave him the check, and he said to his wife, "Tip her, Tipper!" Can barely see anything.
I know.
It's so dark and cold out there.
I can't believe she ran off again.
What? Who ran off? Samantha.
She's been doing so good these past months, and now this.
Samantha? Your daughter? She's so rebellious.
I mean, I was too at that age, but I wasn't so dumb.
At least I knew how to hide pot from my parents.
My trick was to put it in my sister's room.
At least until she got sent away.
Joanne, we're looking for Colt.
What? You said we were looking for your daughter, Samantha.
We're looking for Colt.
Oh.
Did I say ? Yeah.
Oh, Beau, I'm sorry.
That's all right.
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just tired.
I know we're looking for Colt.
And when we find him, if he's doing Disney On Ice, we're just gonna keep fucking driving.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold And they'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lone Star belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day If you don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors and lawyers And such Mamas, don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys [WIND GUSTING.]
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- [FEMALE SIRI VOICE.]
Colt, wake up.
[COLT.]
Just let me sleep, Siri.
[SIRI.]
You have to stay awake.
For Abby.
For Peyton.
For beer.
[COLT.]
I hope I'm a good person.
I'm going to Heaven, right? [SIRI.]
I've seen your search history.
[GRUNTS.]
Can't believe I'm gonna freeze out here, and never talk to my family again.
[SIRI.]
Would you like to dictate a note? Yeah.
That's probably a good idea.
[SIRI.]
What do you want it to say? Abby If you got this, it means I didn't make it.
Also means you used my dead thumb to open the phone, so respect.
All I'm thinking right now is about you and Peyton.
[WIND GUSTING.]
[CRYING.]
Don't tell her I was a liar.
Please.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I know I've made a lot of mistakes.
Be as angry as you gotta be.
Always got angry at myself.
And I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you couldn't trust me.
And the worst part is, I never I never got the chance to prove to you that I'd changed.
I love you.
[MUTTERING.]
God, between how dark it is outside and these windows, I can't see anything.
Yeah, I'm sorry, the defroster in this thing sucks.
Damn it.
Colt, where the hell are you? [MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY ON RADIO.]
I was watching the news today about the polar vortex.
They said if the wind chill gets thirty below, you get frostbite in ten minutes.
He could get hypothermia.
- He could die.
- Hey, that's not gonna happen, all right? It's not that cold yet.
In Detroit, we'd fill up the back of a pickup truck, and call this a pool day.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Besides, the freezing point of whiskey? Twenty below! Think how much of that's in his system.
What if we can't find him? What? We're gonna find him.
The guy gets lost in Walmart all the time.
All we gotta do is find the toy section of the east pasture.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
He hates the cold, too.
I mean, after a game, he'd never get in the cold tub.
He'd put one foot in and scream.
God, he's a little bitch.
God.
We gotta find him.
- Hey, let's change the subject.
- Okay.
I talked to Mary today.
Yeah? How's she doing? She's hanging in there.
She's going to a ton of meetings, working her steps.
Step one, try to escape.
Step two, hit a guard, get chained to her bed Check.
[ABBY LAUGHS.]
Well, you know It's gotta be tough just going cold turkey like that.
Closest I've ever come is my friend Monica's wedding.
They didn't serve alcohol.
"We're having mocktails!" Yeah, go fuck yourself, Monica.
They said that they might let her come home for a visit soon.
- That's good.
- That'd be nice.
I'll do everything I can to support her.
No booze.
No drugs, nothing.
I really hope she stays with Heather.
Well, tell her I said hi.
Everyone's thinking about her.
And if she needs a recipe for a virgin Long Island iced tea, I got one.
Oh, no, wait, it's just fucking iced tea, Monica! [EXASPERATED SIGH.]
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- [SIRI'S VOICE.]
Seriously? You're just gonna give up? That's some weak-ass shit.
[COLT.]
What? Siri? [SIRI'S VOICE.]
Guess again.
Cock-a-doodle-doo, motherfucker.
Shit.
Rooster? Is Why do you sound like Siri? [SIRI'S VOICE.]
How the fuck should I know? You're the one dying.
I was just in a hot tub with Dale Earnhardt, Merle Haggard, and Gandhi.
Guess who's got the biggest junk? Spoiler alert me.
I miss you, man.
[SIRI.]
Are you gonna cry? Is that how you wanna go out? When I went off that cliff, I was giving double birds the whole way down.
[LAUGHING.]
Fuck you.
You cried every time they took the McRib off the menu! [SIRI'S VOICE.]
Well, guess what, bro? Up here, you can have a McRib, and a Shamrock Shake, - anytime you want.
- Oh, shit.
Well, you know, they oughta put that in the Bible, I'd go to church every Sunday.
Oh.
Man.
I'm so glad you're here.
I just You know what we oughta do, we oughta hang out and do all the old shit we used to do.
You know, like drinking together and All right, I guess that's pretty much all we used to do.
Oh, God, that'd be fucking awesome.
[SIRI'S VOICE.]
Dude.
We can do that right now.
What do you mean? Just walk into the light.
Oh Is this like that time you told me to grab that bug zapper? [SIRI'S VOICE.]
No, dude, come on.
I'm on the other side waiting with an ice-cold Coors Light.
Up here, the mountains are always blue.
Being dead is awesome.
[SIRI'S VOICE.]
Come on, Colt.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
- [ABBY.]
Colt! - [CAR DOORS SLAM.]
[LUKE.]
Oh, shit! He's pinned behind the truck! [ABBY.]
Oh, my God, Colt! Colt.
- He's freezing.
- I'm gonna move it.
Hey, look at me, open your eyes.
- [TRUCK STARTING.]
- What? No, Colt, come on, it's Abby, okay? Don't you leave me! - Okay, here we go! - Go! It's okay, it's all right.
[ABBY GRUNTS.]
It's all right, I got you.
It's all right, I got you.
[ABBY CRYING.]
Hey.
Where is he? He's in back.
Abby's with him.
They're trying to get his body temperature up.
Is he okay? What did they say? I have no idea, they didn't tell me anything.
What was Colt doing out there by himself? Well we got in a fight.
So I told him he could go check the fences by himself.
Jesus Christ.
You saw the weather coming.
You know how dangerous it is out there.
Yeah, but Colt saw it too.
I didn't make him do it.
He don't listen to me anyways.
If he did, we wouldn't be in the fight in the first place.
'Cause you got your goddamn feelings hurt, you put my son's life in danger? Okay, you know what? I know where you're going with this.
I'm not a polar vortex, I'm not the truck who pinned him against the fence, so you can stop right there.
You're a soldier.
There's no leaving a man behind.
What the fuck is the matter with you? Okay, I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you, Beau.
You never make a mistake.
You never get in trouble.
What's that like? Okay, stop! Stop.
None of this is helping Colt.
If you could fix things by yelling at him, the Broncos would have won last week.
If me and Tony Romo know the play, how come the fucking defense is clueless? [MACHINE BEEPING.]
Oh, Colt, good, you're up.
How are you feeling? Hi.
- Good.
- Yeah.
- You're here.
- Mm-hmm.
I kept pushing this button, but none of the nurses would show up.
Oh, that's the morphine button.
Oh.
Well, that explains why no one came and also why I didn't really give a shit.
Why am I in a hospital? You got stuck out in the cold.
Oh Am I dying? Do I get to make a wish? You scared the shit out of me.
Doctor says that you got some mild frostbite, and some bruised ribs, but you should be able to go home tonight.
Okay? I got some bad news, though.
Yeah, your Nike Dri-FIT compression leggings Yeah? They had to cut them off you, they didn't make it.
Are you fucking kidding me? [GROANS.]
Why couldn't they just cut off my foot? [LAUGHS.]
Meanwhile I'm gonna go let everyone know that you're awake.
Oh, I need your social security number.
- Hey.
- My social security number is - I don't know it.
- Okay.
- It's on my phone.
- Okay.
It's with all of my accounts and passwords on a note that says: "Bad guys, don't read this.
" Okay.
Give me your thumb.
There.
Respect.
What's this? "Abby, if you get this note it means I didn't make it.
" Siri helps write notes.
[WHISPERS.]
Can I tell you a secret? Siri's a bitch.
But I'm whispering because I don't want her to hear it, and then tell the other machines to hurt me.
[CRYING.]
Colt, come on, this is I wanna get one of these for my bed at home.
You know what, I'm gonna I'm gonna go tell the doctor to lower your dosage.
- I'll be back.
- Huh? Abby.
Yeah? Come here.
What? You're wearing a dress.
It was a date.
- Thank you.
- Of course.
You seen Luke since the hospital? No.
And I know you think I was a little hard on him.
Hard on him? No.
You're hard on waiters who ask you if Pepsi's okay.
With Luke, you were downright mean.
I was in a hospital, and I didn't know if my son was gonna live or die and, no, Pepsi is not okay.
Look, with everything you've been through with Rooster, I get it, but you know this wasn't Luke's fault.
Hey, how's Colt doing? Oh, he's asleep.
It wasn't that much different than putting Peyton down.
He whined for a while, so I just rubbed his back until he burped and passed out.
When he was little, I used to tell him the whole country was depending on him to fall asleep, or else the Russians were going to drop a nuke on us.
Worked every time.
Sure, he had some nightmares Hey, Abby, it's getting late.
Why don't you spend the night? Thank you, I'd love to, but I gotta go pick up Peyton at my parents'.
She's been spending so much time over there, I'm starting to worry her first words are gonna be: "Chuck, I thought I threw those pants out!" - See ya.
- See ya.
It's getting late, we should go to bed.
Hold on.
I wanna talk to you about something.
Beau I hope it isn't one of your bedtime stories.
I'm not afraid of the Russians, Beau.
Then they've got you right where they want you.
We need to talk about what happened in the truck tonight.
We don't need to talk about that, I'm just fine.
You're just gonna pretend it didn't happen? What do you want me to say? It's fucking scary.
I mean, I have plenty of experience waking up and not knowing what I've done, but usually my last memory is of me saying: "Ooh, tequila " I'm gonna talk to your doctor about getting some different kind of medication.
I don't want to lie to you, Beau.
I'm not taking it.
What? - Why not? - Because when we talked to the doctor, they said it helped, like, one in eight people, and the side effects are endless.
Drowsiness and insomnia, frequent urination and trouble urinating.
Pick a fucking side, Donepezil! What if you're one of the people it helps, and it delays the symptoms, isn't it worth it? We've just done this, Beau.
You don't get to make these decisions for me.
I wanna live my life the way I am, for as long as I have left.
I wanna enjoy every day that I have left, and I wanna enjoy my time with you.
I get that, and I wanna enjoy my time with you.
Then you have to let me live my life.
It's just like your heart attack.
Your healthy diet lasted about five minutes after we left the hospital.
Who the fuck builds a hospital across the street from an Arby's? - Hey.
- Hey, look who's coming in out of the cold, Vanilla Ice.
[COLT CHUCKLES.]
How you feeling? Yeah, pretty good.
Ribs are a little sore, still can't quite feel my fingers yet.
The doctor said that a weaker man wouldn't have made it.
They didn't say that.
Well, I mean, it was implied when he said I was lucky to be alive.
What's What's going on there? Your calf's dehydrated.
When it's this cold out, they eat so much that their throat gets constricted.
She needs some fluids.
I suppose we can wait, see if she starts taking water on her own, but if she doesn't, we could lose her.
With that constricted throat, we go shoving a tube down there, we could do a lot of damage.
Great.
So, we do nothing, she could die, and if we put the tube in, she could still die.
Not you, we're talking about another cow.
What you wanna do? Me? It's your call.
Shit, I mean, you gonna be a rancher, you're gonna have to make these tough calls.
I know what you're doing.
I appreciate it, but you don't have to do that.
I do.
I shouldn't have been such a dick to you.
It's pretty obvious I need a partner.
I tried to do a two-man job by myself, almost got myself killed.
The way I treated you, I'm surprised you didn't put that truck in reverse and blow me through that fence.
Well, I thought about it but then Abby would've witnessed it, and then I'd have to drive over her too, and plus, the cops were already looking at me for the whole Nick thing.
It just seemed like a real pain in the ass.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Not that I'm complaining, but you fellas do know that I'm paid by the hour, right? All right.
What's your call there, rancher? Go with your gut.
Okay, I think we should wait and see if she drinks.
What would be your second choice? - The tube? - Well, gee, look there, Dale, we got a natural! Why don't you go get that tube? Yep, I gotta go get the tube from the truck.
I hope I don't slip on any of that "Ice Ice Baby.
" What the fuck are you wearing? Laugh it up, friend.
Got it free for signing up for Cricket Wireless.
Well, you paid too much.
Listen.
About the hospital Look, you know, I already squared things up with Colt.
Well, I need to square things up with you.
I was outta line.
No, it's no big deal.
No, it is a big deal.
I was so scared about Colt that I took it all out on you, and I'm sorry for that.
Thanks.
Hey, just between you and me, if Colt and I crashed your truck, and only one of us survived, who would you pick? My truck.
Hey, Joanne.
Hey.
Is he fucking kidding me? I threw those away twice! Wait Is that what happened to my Built Ford Tough sweatshirt? No, just like a real Ford, it fell apart six weeks after you bought it.
I'm glad you're here.
I got a little something for you.
Shit, is it my birthday, and I didn't even know it? No.
Well, maybe.
Just open it.
Oh, my God! Are these tickets to Spain? For right after Christmas.
But there's two of them, who's going with me? A man with a suitcase full of beef jerky, and a wallet full of traveler's checks.
Beau Bennett's going to Spain? I can't believe it! [SIGHS.]
Hey, you know they don't speak English there, right? Yeah.
I won't have to talk to anybody.
This is so sweet, Beau.
Thank you.
Keep saying we're gonna do things, and we don't do it.
Well, I'm done wasting time.
I love you, Joanne.
I love you, Beau.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, when was the last time you flew? It was around the fall of Saigon.
Yeah, well, you should know, these days there's female pilots and male flight attendants.
Very funny.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, here we go, it's cool.
This reminds me of that Halloween where I thought a really cool pirate would wear two eye patches.
Yeah, you gave up on the two hook hands after you dropped your third beer.
Come on, watch out.
Here we go.
[GROANS.]
Boy, that got the rib.
Come on, didn't you play in the '98 state championship with two bruised ribs? Yeah No.
That was just a rumor I made up so I could win MVP.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, here we go.
Happy birthday! Oh, my God.
Dinner.
God, this is amazing.
This I got You know what, I don't even care if I get the new Call of Duty.
No, I didn't get you Call of Duty.
Yeah okay.
Look, we didn't get a chance to have your birthday dinner at Charlie's, so I brought Charlie's here.
Shut up! Oh, yeah, these are the bread rolls! And you got the soup spoon! Oh, my God, the steak knives! I brought a really big purse.
Whoa, you even got me the kids' menu! I can help Charlie the fox get to the steakhouse! I got that for Peyton.
I'm sorry, is it Peyton's birthday? [LAUGHS.]
Okay, do you wanna open your gifts? Uh, I mean, well, I'd say it's your "call," but it would be my "duty" Well, it's my "duty" to tell you, that I "called" GameStop, and they're out.
Wonder who bought the last one.
Not me! Just open them! Here.
Okay Ah.
Hand warmers okay.
That's very funny.
All right.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, gloves.
All right, I'm seeing a theme here.
Oh, my God! It's new compression leggings! Ah! This is not a lame gift.
Look, they're gorgeous.
- [ABBY GIGGLES.]
- Oh! Thank you.
Listen, there's there's one more.
Hmm I wonder what it is.
No, that's That's it.
Oh, it's paper.
That's It's our divorce papers.
Yep.
Okay.
These are gonna be fun to play with.
I never sent them in.
Really? Yeah, they've been sitting in my glove box for weeks.
I don't know, I guess, I was hoping that someday, you know, somehow we'd put this back together, I just didn't know how.
Then I I read the note that you left for me on your phone.
You saw that? Yeah.
It broke my heart.
It just Even though you were stuck out in the freezing cold, you were still thinking about me, and [SIGHS.]
fighting for us.
I love you.
[LAUGHS.]
Always will.
I love you, too.
[MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY.]
[ABBY GIGGLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Happy birthday, Bennett.
By the way, this is a date.
Fuck yeah! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Okay, but seriously, there's no Call of Duty? [ABBY GROANS.]
No! No Call of Duty! It's a hard livin' Tail-kickin' Trip that we're all on But I'm betting We can find a little sunshine In the night It's a backbreaking, soul-taking Road we walk So what are we waiting for? Baby, let's turn off the lights 'Cause, girl There's just not enough love In the world