Abbott Elementary (2021) s04e15 Episode Script

1
ALL: ¡Imbecil!
¡Creíiste que me robabas
la herencia de mi madre,
pero tenemos la misma madre!
¡Y nuestro padre es Diego!
¡El lechero!
Okay, then. What does that mean?
You fool!
You thought you were stealing
my inheritance from my mother,
but we have the same mother.
And our father is Diego! The milkman!
Nice!
If you have a second language
when applying to high schools,
they are more likely to accept you.
But we don't have a Spanish
class, so I got creative.
I am teaching my students
through telenovelas,
or as I like to call it,
inmersión.
Okay, who wants to try
on their own? Yes.
A veces me siento como Dios
cuando quiero alguien muerto,
mueren el mismo día.
Translate.
Sometimes I feel like God.
When I order somebody killed,
they die the same day.
Some of the kids
prefer watching "Narcos."
Whatever works.
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
Alright, class, can anybody tell me
what number we are celebrating tomorrow?
ALL: 100!
That's right.
We will be celebrating
100 days of school.
The 100th day of school
is a big to-do nowadays.
In order to beat the
"when is summer break" blues,
the students dress up as 100-year-olds
and have a parade.
It's a less scary Halloween.
Now, 100 pennies is a
ALL: Dollar!
BARBARA: A dollar.
100 years is a
Long time.
Close, but we call it a
ALL: Century!
That's right, a century.
[DEVICES RINGING]
Mrs. Howard, it's ringing.
Yes, it is ringing.
That's ringing, too.
That is ringing, too.
You know what? I'm sorry, class.
My daughter is calling me.
And I, uh
Okay, okay, so now
how do we turn on the video
and turn off the ringer?
Help me, Jesus. Help me, Jesus.
I'm Margaret. [RINGING STOPS]
Thank you, Margaret.
You're welcome.
Taylor, sweetheart,
why are you calling me
on every device in the world?
- What's wrong?
- TAYLOR: Nothing's wrong.
We have some good news.
We're pregnant.
Aah!
Class, I'm gonna be a grandmother.
[STUDENTS CHEERING]
Oh, my gosh, sweetheart.
And we're moving back to Philly
so we can be near you and Dad.
Oh! I have been praying so long
for that to happen.
Yes, God is good.
I can't wait to see you
with our little bundle of joy
every single day.
Every day?
Every day.
Well, wow.
Well, what what should I
be called as a grandmother?
I mean, um, Gigi.
Hm. Yaya. [GASPS] Baba!
No, Lady Baba.
Yes!
Oh, but tell me this.
Did I miss the wedding?
Uh, you're cutting out.
Okay. I love you, Mom.
I love you too, baby. [SMOOCHING]
Oh, class,
we are dancing for 100 seconds of joy.
[CHEERING]
"Possums" can be spelled
with an O or a P,
depending on where the animals live.
Dia, if I find out you're lying
Please let me go back to work.
Morning, ladies. Got a few tickets.
Uh, for one of them, under
"reasons," you just put "flood."
One of Gregory's students
poured water on his computer,
hoping to make it grow.
[LAUGHS]
That's kind of adorable.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay, well, you know
where Gregory's room is.
Oh, yeah. Uh, I'll get right on it.
Ughhh! He is so annoying.
Why is he so annoying?
First, you're nosy.
Second, he stays in my phone,
but he hasn't asked me out.
He keeps asking me about my
interests and hobbies and stuff.
- Sounds awful.
- Watch your tone.
I'm just used to
a more forward man, you know?
I don't want to talk about
my favorite movie.
I want to talk about
what you're gonna do to me.
You gonna [BLEEP] me? [BLEEP] me?
[BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] me.
But it's okay, 'cause it's mutual.
I'll [BLEEP] you, too.
You know what I'm saying?
Just so you know,
I am slowly building my case.
So? Your turn.
Hey, Ava, what time
is the parade tomorrow?
Yeah, wondering if the whole
afternoon is a wash
or if we have time to teach one thing.
- 1:30.
- TOGETHER: Wash.
Hey, Jacob, can you
hand me an apple, please?
Thank you. No! One of the organic ones.
I can handle the pesticides,
but it's for Sweet Cheeks.
I gotta watch out
for his sensitive tum-tum.
Yeah, totally, it's not like
he eats his own poo.
He did that one time, and it
was 'cause you frightened him.
And that's probably
why he's been lethargic
and not using his wheel.
Or it could be because
he's a pea-brained rat.
Oh. "Rat" is crazy.
Run.
Count to 10.
Everybody, I have big news!
You're getting married.
No, I'm already married.
My inversion table has arrived.
- No.
- Janine pregnant again?
My baby is having a baby!
I'm going to be a grandmother.
Oh, my God! Yes! Yay! Finally.
Finally!
Gregory, how does it feel
now that your girlfriend,
Barb's fake daughter,
is gonna be a fake aunt
to your ex-girlfriend's baby,
which makes you a fake uncle
to your could-have-been child?
What's wrong with you?
Oh, Barbara,
you are going to be
such a great grandmother.
I wish I had met my grandmas.
I wish I had more time with mine.
You two are a match made in heaven,
constantly sucking the air
out of the room. Damn.
Aw, thank you.
I had two amazing nonnas.
One had eyes like a hawk.
She could spot a wire
under a wool sweater.
The other one
hearing like a wax moth.
She could hear the rustle
of a wire under a silk blouse.
Um, are all of your grandmothers dead?
Oh, no, one of mine is still alive.
She doesn't remember who I am,
but it doesn't matter,
because she has the two things
that every good grandma needs,
hypertension and a muumuu.
A muumuu?
You'll never find one in my closet.
But every grandmother worth
her weight in salt has one.
It's a dress, a blanket,
and a napkin all in one.
I long for that kind
of efficiency in a garment.
- Uh, Barb is too young for muumuus.
- Thank you.
One grandchild does not
mean it's muumuu time.
GREGORY: I mean, the male body
can withstand a muumuu.
I wouldn't mind a menmuu.
Hey, you got to stop
pitching the menmuu.
We talked about this.
- It's an untapped market.
- No.
Good instinct, but, um,
that usually only works
on small electronics.
Yeah. Okay, well, it's worth a try.
I told you teachers,
keep your hands off my grains.
[P.A. BEEPS]
AVA: Attention,
Abbott Elementary.
I need to drink more water,
and it would be nice if you all
helped me with that
moving forward.
That is all. For now.
[LAUGHS]
She's hilarious.
- Is she?
- Yeah, man.
I think she's cute.
I'm gonna ask her out.
What? Oh, my God. Finally.
I've been waiting for this moment
ever since I saw you two
in my classroom.
- Where did you come from?
- Forget where I came from.
Where are you gonna go with Ava?
Uh, dinner.
Oh, okay, you want to take Ava
to a restaurant.
- Okay, yeah.
- Alright.
You know, just make sure
it has Michelin stars, plural.
And if you're thinking about
going to a movie after,
she's said on multiple
occasions premieres only.
Mm-hmm, and if you're thinking
mini golf [CHUCKLES]
don't be an idiot. Gigantic golf.
Thanks. Alright, I'll try
to keep all this in mind.
Maybe she'll like a nice gigantic walk
in the park or something.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, nice walk in the park.
Oh, God, he's gonna crash and burn.
- We have so much work to do.
- Yeah.
- Clear your schedule.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Oh! What are we doing?
Look, I'm sorry I snapped yesterday
and called Sweet Cheeks a rat.
In my culture, people
have been whacked for that.
Well, as an apology,
um, I know you were concerned
about his cardiovascular health,
and so I researched, and
[GASPS] Ohh!
Jacob, that is so sweet.
But don't touch him or his cage again.
- Capisce?
- Yeah.
Okay. Look at you.
He actually jumped in there
himself like a duck takes to water.
[LAUGHS]
Look at him. He's having a ball.
Yeah. You know, I'm really sorry
I get so dramatic
about this little stinkpot.
He's just like a light in
my life when I needed it most.
And if anything ever happened to him,
I might run into traffic, you know?
[CHUCKLES]
Aw, did you run out of gas
already, bubba?
Oh, he's probably just, uh, tired.
Like you said, he's not
used to all that exercise.
Jacob. Jacob, what did you do?
Oh, boy. Okay. Don't worry.
Oh, my God. How fast could he run?
Six miles per hour,
twice as fast as a human can walk,
especially if that human
has two broken knees.
Uh-huh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Everybody stay still. Stay still.
[CHIRPING]
Sweet Cheeks.
Good morning, old ones.
Yes, all of you centenarians.
Well, be careful of that back, now.
My arthuriasis are acting up.
Your arthuriasis.
Ooh, I love your muumuu.
Now, that is an appropriate use
of a muumuu, on a 100-year-old.
Thank you, Mrs. Howard.
You're welcome.
Oh, little miss Margaret.
Girl, you look fabulous.
Thank you. I'm you.
You who?
I'm dressed as you.
Well, why would you be dressed as me?
'Cause you're 100 years old.
[GASPS]
I am not 100 years old.
But you're the oldest person we know.
You said you're a grandma.
Okay, first of all, the oldest
person you know is Mr. Johnson.
And secondly, grandmothers can be young.
You're way older than my grandma.
You're even older than Ms. Teagues,
and she's like 50.
Ms. Teagues is neither 50
nor a grandmother.
- Mrs. Howard.
- Yes?
Don't be sad.
You look great for 100.
Sure do, Barb.
You gotta tell me your secret.
I want to look that good
when I'm your age.
She's younger than me?
Damn. There I was trying to be nice.
Oh, no.
I am so sorry I lost
Sweet Cheeks, Melissa.
I don't want to hear it right now.
The only thing that's important
is finding Sweet Cheeks.
Everyone knows that
finding a missing guinea pig
in the first 48 minutes is critical.
We need a picture.
What does he look like?
What do you mean,
what does he look like?
He's a guinea pig brown fur,
white spots, whiskers.
You don't need to be nasty.
Last time I saw him,
he was wearing a red wig
and a pleather jacket.
How am I supposed to know
what his drip is gonna be today?
Okay, I got to take my kids
down to the library
for their 100th Day photos.
I'll look in there.
You take the teachers' lounge.
- Okay.
- I'll take my closet.
Anyone else will get lost in there.
Okay, search party on.
Meet you in the cafeteria in 30 minutes.
Sweet Cheeks!
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Hey, Ava. [CHUCKLES]
Hey, just out of curiosity,
do you have a favorite place
you like to go?
- The bank.
- Oh, okay. Interesting.
And do you have, like, a favorite thing?
- Money.
- Hmm. Alright.
And what's something
you like to do for fun?
Take my money to the bank.
Now get away from me, Janine.
Okay, girlfriend.
- Hey, so I have some intel for you.
- Hey.
I'm just working on something right now.
- On places where you can take Ava.
- Okay.
Have you ever heard of the
Department of the U.S. Treasury?
BARBARA: And you would not believe it,
but she came dressed as me
because she thought I was 100 years old.
Barb, these kids have no idea
how old any of us are.
Watch. Andrew, guess our ages.
Not touching that. Smart kid.
Stevenson, how old
do you think we all are?
49 years old.
Pretty close.
37 years old.
Spiritually, yeah.
And you're 19. Well, thank you.
See, no idea how old we are.
[GASPS] Why?! I'm poreless.
I don't know,
your cardigan, your pearls,
the way you wear your phone
around your neck.
It's practical.
Also, the way you
[AS BARBARA] talk like this.
[GASPS] You have a
diction from an olden time.
You know, you're
a mighty fresh young man.
And that doesn't mean
I like your outfit.
- Hey, man.
- Yo, yo, yo.
So, about this Ava thing, huh?
You sure you want to do this Ava thing?
You know she did date Andre Iguodala.
She still might be.
Well, you know, if she is,
then she'll say no.
But if not, maybe she'll say yes.
Yeah. Okay. Um
Hypothetically speaking,
do you think you could secure a boat
or, like, a yacht?
In Philly?
Yes.
Aha!
Man, what are you doing?
I was looking for Sweet Cheeks.
Thought he might be under there
in a "Ratatouille" situation.
Man, I don't need no damn rodent
to help me clean.
Anything? I thought I had found him,
but it turned out to be a mirage
and/or an astigmatism.
I got nothing. I can't believe this.
Jacob, you're dead to me,
and I mean it this time.
Okay, I am I'm so sorry, okay?
But we will find him, alright?
We can't lose hope.
You better hope that we find him soon,
because there's about
to be a parade of kids
stomping through here.
No guinea pig should have to
face Timberlands, Jacob.
Timberlands.
[MELISSA CRYING]
Hello, Ava.
Ooh, what are you drawing there?
Marlon Brando as Vito Corleone.
Wow, that's actually very good.
What's up, Barb?
Well, Ava, you know, you dress so well,
youthful, really.
You sound like
you're trying to borrow my car.
What's going on, Barbara?
I need a makeover. Help me, please.
Oh. I've been waiting
for you to ask me for a makeover
since the moment we met.
It's time to throw out
those pearls, Barb.
Oh, no, these pearls
will be placed respectfully
in my pocketbook
right next to my peppermints.
Thank you.
But I was thinking,
why don't I stop by after work
so I can have a styling session?
No. Follow me.
Because why go to my place
when the clothes can come to you?
Just got this bad boy installed.
Another "gift" courtesy
of Miles Nathaniel
- and the team at Girard Creek.
- Wow!
Ooh, I'm going to
"Miss Congeniality" you.
Yes.
- No, "Princess Diaries."
- Ooh!
- Ooh, no, "Love & Basketball."
- Ohh!
Ooh, "White Chicks."
- Oh, wait. Sorry. Wrong movie.
- Mnh.
- Unless?
- Oh, no, no, no, not that movie.
Those Olsen twins, oh, they scare me.
Oh, no, that's
[CHUCKLES] Let's get to it.
Look over there. [CHIRPING]
Sweet Cheeks, baby. [CHIRPING]
Come here. [CHIRPING]
Melissa, you sound ridiculous.
It goes like this.
Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-
bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk.
My God, there's a parade
about to start soon.
- Chirp, chirp, chirp.
- And my little stinker's out here alone
with terrible depth perception.
What are you doing, Jacob?
Uh, it's the Ellis method.
It's used by lifeguards.
It's the most efficient way
of scanning a
Oh, no. I'm making myself dizzy.
Oh, my God. You found him?
No, I see two sweet cheeks,
but it sure ain't your boy.
Oh.
Hello, everybody.
Um, I-I'm so sorry that we are late.
Wow.
Alright, class, remember,
when the music starts, so do we.
Hey, Barbara. Hey, you okay?
- Yes. I'm fine.
- Okay.
In more ways than one.
Yes, you are.
["FOREVER YOUNG" PLAYS]
I see you, Mrs. Howard. Okay, look.
Thank you, Krystal.
Do you really
want to live forever? ♪
MR. JOHNSON: There you are,
you little bugger.
We've been worried sick.
Oh, you found him?
I did.
Mr. Johnson, that is not Sweet Cheeks.
I know that.
You're not the only person
that loses things, Jacob.
Bad news. Something chewed
through these cables.
You guys might have mice.
- Let me see that wire.
- Yeah.
That's not a mice bite.
That's a guinea pig nibble.
[SNIFFS] And it's fresh.
Sweet Cheeks is around here somewhere.
Now a special surprise
the Abbott Elementary
Step Team performing
to Kirk Franklin's "Stomp."
Um, okay, don't freak out.
They're gonna stomp him.
No stomping, for the love of God!
MELISSA: Stomp carefully.
Glory, glory ♪
Whoo! ♪
- They should make an announcement.
- Yeah, okay.
Stop stomping!
It's fine. He's probably
not even in this room.
Okay? Um
Going through something
that's really got me down ♪
I love this song.
Look at their moves.
Stomp carefully. No!
Stop it! Sorry, sorry.
To help me come and ♪
Barbara looks, uh, super fly.
Dressed to kill, as some would say.
Oh, um, was she wearing that earlier?
No, and I don't even know
where she got that outfit.
Avalicious Clothing Company,
where comfort comes second.
She said she wanted a makeover.
JANINE: What? Why?
I don't ask why.
I just change lives like "Queer Eye."
Not everyone gets into
everybody's business, Janine.
- Well, I'm gonna look into it.
- Of course you are.
Are her heels lopsided, or is
she bearing left for balance?
Alright. Whoo!
We're never gonna find him.
This is what I get
for opening my heart to love.
Look. [GASPS]
Wigs don't have legs.
Ah! Oh, my God. Oh!
Oh, I'm so sorry I lost you, buddy.
Jacob, gimme, gimme, gimme.
You should have told me
he was wearing a wig.
I could have found him earlier.
Oh, Lord. [GRUNTS]
Hey, Barb.
Just wanted to pop by and say
how much I love your new look.
Thanks, Janine.
Out of curiosity, what inspired it?
Just wanted to try something new.
Ava gave me these jeans.
Said a man named Florida
wrote a song about them.
Ah, yes.
Well, you are certainly gonna
be the coolest-looking grandma
this side of the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
And there's that word again.
- "Turnpike"?
- "Grandma."
Oh, yeah.
Is that what's getting to you?
[SIGHS]
Taylor's moving back home,
and she's gonna want me
to watch the baby all the time.
Isn't that a good thing?
Obviously, yes, it is a good thing.
But what if it becomes my whole life?
I mean, what if I'm retired,
sitting at home in a muumuu,
watching my grandchild
before I joineth the Lord?
Damn, Barb, not joineth.
I'm just not ready
to be that old that fast.
Well, you don't have to do it that way.
And you can set boundaries with Taylor.
And you get to decide
what kind of grandma you are.
By the way, you could never be
one of those muumuu-wearing grandmas
because you're cool and you're glam.
You're a glamma. [CHUCKLES]
Janine
you have gotten much better
about giving advice.
Well, I have this wonderful
mentor in my life
who taught me about the
importance of setting boundaries.
And that person's name is Jacob.
Just kidding. It's you. It's you.
Glamma.
- Glamma.
- Right?
You know that has a nice ring to it.
Yep.
Yeah.
I'm gonna call Taylor
and have a nice little chat with her.
Okay.
Where's your phone?
- I have no idea.
- Oh.
You know, I do not know
how you young people do this
without phone necklaces.
- Honestly, we drop a lot of phones.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, you might be onto something.
- Mm.
- Oh, but I got my gloss.
- Oh, good.
- Yes. Come on, now.
- Still need a phone.
Glamma, baby. Glamma.
So he rents out the out
the theater and the red carpet.
She thinks it's a private premiere.
GREGORY: We can get a carpet
from anywhere.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- How you doing?
- Good.
- So we have been talking.
- Uh-huh.
And we have figured out
the perfect date proposal.
You will need
- a helicopter.
- A helicopter.
Uber Blade.
Because she loves helicopters
and she loves "Blade."
Try to make it seem
like it's not a rideshare.
How would he pretend
it's not a rideshare?
We talked about this, by pretending
to find something expensive
of his on the ground.
But, like, what expensive, though?
- We didn't
- Because he's gonna say,
"Oh, my God, my expensive watch."
You want to go on a date with me?
- Yes.
- Alright, I'll text you.
I know, I know. I'm saying it can
be anything. It's not about that.
Like a whole chandelier?
Like the whole thing?
- I'm just throwing out opt
- Like take it down?
- Hey, oh, whoa. What happened?
- Hey, hey, what happened?
Did she say yes?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Took all your wonderful advice.
Thanks, guys.
We slayed that.
Yeah. We
Say "slay."
did. Yeah.
She's gonna eat him alive.
- I know.
- Mm-hmm.
You look really pretty, Mom.
Just something I'm trying today.
Sweetheart, I'm so excited
about your big news
and becoming a grandmother.
And your father and I,
we want to watch the baby,
but we can't provide
full-time childcare.
Of course, Mom. We get it.
And don't worry.
Paul's parents said that they
want to watch the baby, too.
Now, wait a minute. That's my glamchild.
Your what?
Oh, I would like to be called Glamma.
Um, see, Paul's mom
is actually going by that.
The hell she is!
- Yes?
- I heard what you did for Barbara.
I was wondering if you
could give me a little zhuzh.
I only have women's clothes.
Well, I'm game.
Hold this.
Hey, is this me?
Yeah, sure.
Here, try this.
Ha.
Holy Cowboy Carter. I look incredible.
Yee and allow me to stress haw.
Ah! Yeah.