Bewitched (1964) s04e15 Episode Script

Tabatha, that's a nice dinner for a nice little girl.
I eated that chicken.
Yes, I know.
Now, if you eat everything on your plate you'll see a picture of a pretty bunny.
That goes for the spinach too, young lady.
Sam, are you still feeding Tabatha? You better get ready.
We'll be late for the Hunt Club Ball.
Sweetheart, I am ready.
Oh, yeah.
Well, then could you help me find my cuff links? What you got in your hand? My cuff links.
I'm sorry, honey.
I guess I'm a little nervous.
But the ball chairman is the head of Chappell Baby Foods.
He's a hot prospect.
Larry thinks we can clinch his account tonight.
- I just don't want to be late.
- Don't worry.
We're right on schedule.
Sure, and your mother's not here yet, that's right on schedule too.
Darrin, it just so happens I have a little surprise for you.
Mother wasn't available, so I made other arrangements.
Other arrangements? What kind of other arrangements? Well, we have a new babysitter.
You'll adore her.
Who? Who am I going to adore? Her name's Elspeth.
And? And she's wonderful with children and very dependable and And? And when I was a little girl she was my nanny.
And she's a witch.
Sam, there's not room for another witch in this house.
The broom closet is full.
Darrin, no one travels by broom anymore.
It's obsolete.
I don't care if she shows up riding on a vacuum cleaner.
You'll have to send her back.
Well, all right, sweetheart.
But we have to have a babysitter.
Let's see.
Oh, I could try and get Aunt Clara.
She does tend to goof up a bit, though, doesn't she? I could try and contact Mother again.
You have a choice.
- That's some choice.
- There's one more.
We could stay home until Tabatha's 21.
Okay, Elspeth can sit for us, but just this once.
You'll like Elspeth.
She's really just plain folks.
She's here.
Elspeth's here.
Elspeth's here.
Hey.
Hello, folks.
Hello.
Hello, love.
Hello, Samantha.
Yep.
She's just plain folks all right.
Let me look at you, Samantha.
Samantha, you are the lady.
And a beauty into the bargain.
Can this be the same little girl who used to scrape up her knees learning to walk through walls? Oh, wasn't I a mess? I remember the first time you made yourself invisible.
You made everything vanish except your pigtails.
So this must be the mister.
How sweet and kind it looks.
Samantha, it needs a bit of fattening.
All skin and bones.
Not to worry.
Now I've come to stay.
Come to stay? Elspeth, I think Tabatha.
I'd know that angel face anywhere.
Oh, hello.
Say hello to Nanny Elspeth.
Oh, we're going to be great friends.
Listen, Elspeth Spinach.
What child could abide the stuff? - Samantha.
- Oh, Darrin, it isn't really ice cream.
It's Elspeth's special spinach sundae.
But, oh, how it fooled us little ones.
Just a taste, love.
That's a good girl.
Isn't she wonderful? Let's just have a talk about that.
- When? - Now.
Sam, she can't stay.
All right, sweetheart.
Anything you say.
I'll break it to her gently.
Tomorrow.
- Sam.
- How could you do it to me? How could you? - You ungrateful children.
- Butt out, Endora.
You're supposed to be unavailable, so unavail yourself out.
You keep quiet, you treacherous clod.
How could you bring a stranger into this house to look after my grandchild? I can see the handwriting on the wall.
I shall become a stranger in my own daughter's house.
- Mother.
- What? Look, Elspeth is just a nanny, but you're Tabatha's grandmother.
Nothing can change that.
You know darn well you're not being replaced.
Tabatha and I are getting on famously.
I've fed her Oh, Endora, how are you? You see? That creature is already worming herself into the child's affections.
All right, my dear.
If you want to play the martyred mother, it's fine with me.
So long, Granny.
Don't call us, we'll call you.
Perhaps a zipper will help to keep that mouth shut.
For shame, Endora.
The mister don't stand a chance against witchcraft.
It ain't sporting.
That baggage has got to go.
She stays till I say so.
All right, Dobbin.
Remember you said that.
Elspeth, welcome to our home.
Thanks, milord.
What are we standing around for? Elspeth, put Tabatha to bed.
Yes, milord.
There.
Now, we'll just go to beddy-bye.
Now, this is what I call a perfect way to spend an evening.
Music in the air and you in my arms.
And no mother-in-law babysitting in my living room.
I feel like a 16-year-old.
For a 16-year-old, you're a very good kisser.
Darrin.
Will you cut that out? What if somebody sees you? Let them eat their hearts out.
The somebody I'm talking about, Darrin is Roy Chappell of Chappell Baby Foods.
I wanna steer him out here to meet you and we can sew up the account.
And I don't want him to catch you playing post office.
He won't catch us.
We'll neck in the bushes.
Do you mind? Darrin, Roy Chappell is a rough, tough, self-made man.
He wants a hard-nosed idea man to give him a hard-hitting campaign.
That lipstick you're wearing doesn't make you look like the man for the job.
Now wipe it off.
Stick your chest out.
And think tough.
Sweetheart, maybe you should run home and change into a lumber jacket.
Don't let Larry frighten you, honey.
I can handle Roy Chappell.
Remember, tonight, I'm a tiger.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
I'm sorry to barge in like this.
But I just had to have you meet a friend of mine.
Darwin, may I present Lord Clive Montdrako of lpswich Elspeth's former employer.
Present employer.
You have stolen my servant, sir.
- You are no gentleman.
- Oh, good grief.
Clive knows all about gentlemen.
He's the only warlock in the House of Lords.
Stolen Elspeth? Sam, what's he talking about? Confound it, sir.
Stop trying to involve your wife in this matter.
Aren't you man enough to stand accountable for your actions? Him? He's not man enough to pull on stretch socks.
He is too.
Well, perhaps I can shame him into facing his obligations.
A tango.
Just the thing.
Oh, Darrin.
Well, at least this time, sir, you rose to the occasion.
You look like Carmen.
If you're going to make a comment, it could be a bit more amusing.
Well So where is this Stephens guy? I'm anxious to meet the man who's gonna sell my baby food.
He's gotta be a real heavyweight.
Don't you worry about Darrin.
He's a man's man.
Hey, buddy boy.
Darrin.
This is a man's man? He's got a rose in his teeth.
Well, sure, he Darrin, why do you have a rose in your teeth? Everybody tango.
I can explain, Roy.
It's very simple.
I can explain.
I can.
I can? And that darn rose was stuck in my teeth till we left the party.
Which was immediately.
I should have known something would happen to foul things up.
You'd better go back to Lord What's-His-Name.
Don't worry yourself about His Lordship, sir.
His bark's far worse than his bite.
Even if that's so, Elspeth you should have told me about Montdrako in the first place.
What? That harmless old stick-in-the-mud? Believe me, you won't see him again.
He wouldn't have come here in the first place if it hadn't been for Endora.
I bet she had to drag him by the ears.
Comfy, sir? Well, yes, thanks.
But listen, Elspeth Elspeth, why didn't you tell me about Lord Montdrako? Because he's got no claim on me, he hasn't.
I give him me notice, I did.
I got plain fed up waiting hand and foot on the old geezer.
Like a blooming baby, he was.
It's so much nicer staying here with a lovely child like Tabatha.
Elspeth, about staying here Such an intelligent child, sir.
Takes after you in that respect.
Martini, sir? Yes, thanks.
She is pretty bright, isn't she? Elspeth, what Mr.
Stephens is trying to tell you is that your staying here is absolutely That's okay, honey.
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Well, it's settled then.
I've got a new home.
There, that's better.
But I hate stuffed fish.
Darrin, Roy Chappell will be here in a few minutes.
And this time I want you to make the right impression.
Don't forget, he's an outdoor man.
A big-game hunter.
So try and look rugged.
Here, smoke one of these.
Listen, Lar Well, sir, are you now prepared to conduct yourself like a gentleman? You're supposed to be back at your castle.
Oh, no.
You won't get rid of me until you've done the proper thing and restored my Elspeth.
Elspeth has a mind of her own.
She doesn't wanna work for you anymore.
She quit.
Only because you lured her here.
Oh, no.
You can't weasel out.
I shall hold you responsible.
Me? Now, look, this is my place of business.
If you want to talk about nannies, talk to my wife.
Oh, dear, still trying to get your poor wife to stand up for you, aren't you? Very well.
If you insist on acting like a spineless weakling, look the part.
This is your last chance to change your attitude.
When next we meet, either I shall get satisfaction or else you shall suffer the consequences.
Sam.
Sam.
Here we are, slugger.
I brought old Roy over to He traded in his rose for a lily.
Nice.
That's it.
That's the last straw.
You got it all wrong, Roy.
There's a great reason for It's a great reason, Roy.
Listen, let's have a little lunch and a few drinkie-poos.
Roy? And I had to hide in the supply room until my clothes changed back from Little Lord Fauntleroy.
That's your harmless warlock for you.
But, sir, he wouldn't have done a thing if Endora hadn't pushed him to it.
I know what Mother did, Elspeth.
What I don't know is what the count may do.
Now, you'd better go back.
Samantha, ain't you being a bit hasty? Hasty, "schmasty.
" Let's put it this way.
You're fired.
Bravo.
There's an end to it.
Elspeth, get your things.
And you, sir, your honour has been acquitted, at least partially.
Well, Elspeth, don't lallygag there.
It'll soon be teatime.
Well, put your own kettle on and stick your head in it for all I care.
I'm not going.
Not going? This is your doing, sir.
Oh, no.
No.
She's going.
Go ahead.
Fly away.
Walk through the wall.
Vanish.
I'm sorry, sir.
I don't want to cause hardship, but I have my feelings.
It seems Endora is right.
You, sir, have no control over your own household.
You're a mere reflection of a man.
A mere reflection.
You have Elspeth, and I shall have satisfaction.
The mister's gone.
It's all my fault.
Oh, please.
What did you do with Darrin? Please.
Don't bother to plead with me.
I detest scenes.
Darrin? Sweetheart? I know you're here somewhere.
Sam.
Here, Sam.
Sam.
Coming, sweetheart.
Sam.
Here, Sam.
Now he is a reflection of a man, and only His Lordship can release him.
What can we do? I don't know, Elspeth, but I'll think of something.
Sam, get me out of here.
It's cold.
Pull yourself together, Elspeth.
Crying won't help.
We must think.
Yes, think, love.
You know, I still can't imagine how Endora got His Lordship to leave the castle.
I can't think that one out.
Elspeth.
You said he was an old stick-in-the-mud.
Always sitting all alone.
Now, were you the only company he had in all the years you worked for him? I should say so.
His Lordship was practically a hermit.
Well, no wonder he wants you back, Elspeth.
You're more of a nanny for him than you are for Tabatha.
You can say that.
Hold the fort, Elspeth.
I'm on my way to the castle.
- His Lordship's castle? - Wish me luck.
All right, now.
You round up that bunch of tourists down the road and do your duty.
Very good, mum.
Wait till I get Stephens on the horn.
He'll explain everything.
You'll see.
Look, Tate, you're loyal to your employees.
That's okay.
That I can understand.
But this Stephens is way over the hill.
They're answering.
Hello? Stephens' residence.
Hello, this is Larry Tate.
Put Mr.
Stephens on the phone, please.
Tell him that Roy Chappell and I are very anxious to speak with him.
Mr.
Stephens can't speak with no one.
He's gone through the looking glass.
Must be a bad connection.
I thought she said She couldn't have said that.
So now he's Alice in Wonderland.
Tate, take me to see Stephens.
To his house? But, Roy Listen, I didn't climb to the top of the baby food pile by letting some practical-joking yo-yo like Stephens put me on for a few laughs.
I want to give him a hunk of my mind at close range.
Come on.
Roy, I'm sure Stephens wouldn't pull a joke like that on anyone.
Well, there now.
Wasn't that utterly fascinating? One of the most valued gun collections in all of England.
Come, come.
Come, come.
Right this way, ladies and gentlemen.
No need to push, plenty of room for all to see.
Now we're in the great hall of the Castle Montdrako.
What's going on? Who's here, I say? Good afternoon, Your Lordship.
You're just in time to meet your first tour group.
My first what? Now, see here, missy If you'll look upwards toward the ceiling, you will notice an ever so And what are you doing standing over there in that ridiculous outfit? Listen.
Legend has it that when strangers enter this hall the ghost of lpswich Downs makes that very tapestry fly up and wave to you.
Oh, look how they run and scream and giggle.
There's nothing like a good scare.
By Jove, what fun.
Standing over there, by the door is the suit of armour worn by the first Earl of lpswich, who, in his time danced his way into the hearts of many a young lady.
Oh, he must be the owner of the castle.
Oh, a real lord.
Now, see here, ladies Your Lordship, you have such a lovely castle.
Oh, yes.
And that haunted tapestry.
How ever do you do it? Madame, I assure you I'll bet you have lots of tricks up your sleeve.
Madame, I assure you.
It's a shame you won't be getting down to London.
We're at the Savoy, room 672.
I'm dreadfully sorry, ladies, but His Lordship is rather busy at the moment.
Would you care to rejoin the tour? Yes, of course.
We'll be in town for two weeks, Your Lordship.
Don't forget to visit the tower.
The enchanted bells are in the tower.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
Follow me.
We will go into the library where I shall show you the collection of armour.
I shall make the bells chime themselves.
Yes, that should tickle their little fancies.
Yes.
I shall make a small spell.
Well, Your Lordship, why not let Elspeth do it? She's ready to come back and work for you.
Elspeth? Why should I want that wench underfoot when I have things to do? They did say the Savoy, didn't they? Oh, Your Lordship.
Samantha, Samantha, you sly puss.
You've let the sunlight in for me.
How can I thank you? Well, you were just trapped behind a wall of indifference.
That wasn't too difficult to tear down.
But you've got Darrin behind a wall of glass.
Say no more.
It is undone.
I'm Sam? Sam? Sam? Sweetheart.
Sweetheart, you're free.
- I'm I'm out of the mirror.
- Yes.
It was cold Cold in there.
I'm freezing.
- Oh, well, I think I can take care of that.
- Yeah.
Warmer? A little.
I'm still cold.
These gentlemen have been waiting to see you, sir.
Well, let them wait.
I'm busy.
Sorry to interrupt, Darrin, but old Roy wanted to talk to you.
Now, look, old Roy.
If you're waiting for an explanation, you're wasting your time.
I'm a pretty good advertising man.
If you want to take advantage of that, it's okay with me.
But you'll have to take me just the way I am, period.
No explanations.
Stephens, I came over here to sock you in the bazoo for putting me on.
But now that I know what your game was, I'm with you.
Shake, pal.
We got a deal.
That's great.
You know what my game is? Oh, good old Larry.
You knew all the time, didn't you, Larry? But I let Elspeth set old Roy wise.
I should have let Mr.
Stephens tell you about how everybody tried to act like the man Mr.
Chappell wanted and nobody had the courage to act like himself.
Nobody except you.
No, sir.
I admire that, fella.
I admit you did some pretty wild things.
Come on, Roy, it takes a pretty sharp idea man to come up with a rose in the teeth, right? Yes, sir.
Darrin, go on with your kissing.
You son of a gun.
- Good night.
- Good night, Sam.
Good night.
Elspeth, you told them I planned? I mean, I'm glad Mr.
Chappell signed.
You told them l? Oh, sweetheart, a good nanny has many talents.
Elspeth, show Mr.
Stephens how you can disappear.
Yeah.
Dis Why? Why should she disappear? I'm old enough to kiss my best beau without a chaperone.
Well, in that case, disappear.
Oh, isn't it loverly.