Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s04e15 Episode Script
It's a Tough Job ...But Why Does My Father Have to
How long has this food been sitting out here like this? Afternoon, Dr.
horschlauer.
Why do you think there's so much diarrhea in developing nations? Is this a quiz? Bacteria multiplies quickly when food is a landing pad for everything with six legs.
This is supposed to be a hospital.
Bad day at the office, doctor? I don't want to talk about it.
So, you think the bulls are going to three-peat? I've got a chickenpox epidemic.
I've got mothers screaming at me about the new hep "b" shot, and now I've got a female resident who's decided that this is a good time for her to get pregnant.
Let me buy you lunch.
Maybe you should think about taking a vacation.
There's no vacation for the head of family medicine.
They find you.
They beep you.
They hunt you down.
Ranitidine.
I'm working on my last yard of healthy intestine.
The chow mein was a mistake.
Great.
That's what I got.
Dr.
horschlauer? Brian? Surprise! Surprise! Happy housewarming, son.
Happy new house.
You He didn't know.
All right.
Doog, cool place, man.
Thanks.
Here's a surgical instrument for you.
It's kind of my den of iniquity to be.
Let's open the champagne.
This is my present.
Mine's here.
Ooh, chateau nonalcoholic, '92.
A stellar year, I'm told.
I thought your father was coming.
The old man doesn't get out much these days, not since the big bust-up.
Vinnie's parents are kind of going their separate ways.
You can say it.
They're getting a divorce.
The big "d.
" The old man's become one with his barcolounger, just sits there watching reality programming.
He's already identified one of America's most wanted.
Dad? Sorry we're late.
Lorre couldn't decide what to wear.
I don't know why.
Everything looks beautiful on her.
Whoa! You've got some real rocks up here.
Are you in construction? No.
I'm a doctor.
Oh, they're the worst.
Has anyone ever talked to you about stretching or yoga? That's it.
Let it out.
She knows all this stuff.
She works for a chiropractor.
That's how we met.
Carmine had knots the size of a poodle.
I had to walk on his back.
You'll like this joke.
When I first met lorre, she walked all over me.
That was a joke, Vincent.
I'm laughing on the inside.
Tell them what else you do.
Pore minimizing? It's just something I do on the side.
I make hats for cats.
Did you ever think about going around to a hospital and giving massages? I'll put in a good word.
That's a brilliant idea.
Do you mind if I just give my card to everyone? Here.
"Lorre mercatanti.
" Lorre.
Oh.
"Massage therapist and voice trainer.
" It's just something I do on the side.
It's amazing she finds time to pick up married men.
Vincent! Why don't you show me doogie's powder room? Look, Vinnie, whatever beef you got, you got with me.
O.
K.
, here's the beef You're pathetic.
Your divorce isn't even final, and you're parading around with some love connection reject.
Don't talk this way.
I think Vinnie's still adjusting to his father's new situation.
Carmine said he's a very sensitive boy.
She's a tootsie! She's got more silicone in her than an IBM compatible! And observant, too.
I'm your father, and I deserve your respect.
Hey! Hey, come back here and say you're sorry! Forget it! If anybody owes an apology, it's you.
You turned our family into a joke! You're a little off your game today, Ben.
My goal was just to be standing at the end.
You work too hard.
Tell me about it.
Of course it doesn't help when your head of family medicine expires on duty.
Oh, yes.
Dr.
horschlauer.
How old was he? Now I'm going to have to find someone with years of family practice experience, whom I trust completely, and who's interested in hospital work and teaching.
Know anyone like that, David? Are you offering me a job? Actually, I'm groveling.
I'm flattered.
I don't want you to be flattered.
I want you to say yes.
You mean until he finds someone permanent.
No.
I'd be it.
I'd take over horschlauer's job.
That's quite a compliment coming from Ben.
Too bad you can't take it.
Why can't I do it? Well, dad, you have your practice.
My practice Bursitis, acne, shin splints.
The most exhilarating experience I've had all year was your calling me in on that child abuse case.
That was one day.
Working at a teaching hospital is not exhilarating on a regular basis.
It's tiring, it's tense, it's stressful.
Douglas, do you have a problem with this on a personal basis? Personally, I think it's a great idea.
You can be honest with me, son.
Douglas, can I see you a moment? In a minute, dad.
That's your father? Is he doing a good job here? Well, it's not terrible.
I just think you should look at this from all sides.
Katherine, do you have any thoughts? Well, I think you'd have a profound impact at the hospital, David.
Yes.
Oh, this is Dr.
Douglas howser.
I'm very pleased to meet you, sir.
I happen to think you're the best chairman the a.
M.
A.
Has ever had.
Our head of family medicine Dr.
David howser.
Oh, this is our patient advocate Mrs.
Katherine howser.
The little woman.
Got her where you can keep an eye on her, huh? But I think doogie's got a good point.
You're not getting any younger, David.
Do you really need the stress? I don't want to see you face-down in a bowl of chicken chow mein.
Do you, mom? God forbid.
You two have given me a lot to think about.
We're just concerned about you, dad.
Yes.
I must be the luckiest man alive to have the benefit of my family's caring, selfless insight.
Really, I'm touched.
Excuse me.
I don't know about that third period professor.
Doesn't look like he's been to the movies in 25 years.
Maybe he doesn't know about senior citizen discounts.
Hey, vin, you coming? I'll catch up later.
O.
K.
Whatever.
Vincent! Cassie, wait up.
What are you doing here? I thought I'd take you out for whatever kids go out for these days.
One of those father-son things.
Which we never did when we lived in the same house.
Vincent, don't take that tone.
I wasn't always there for you.
I'm trying to make up for it.
Lorre taught me you have to live in the now.
Why don't you go live in lorre's now? We got nothing to say.
You got a dozen reasons for being mad at me, but we may never get another chance to work this out.
You should have thought of that before you went to the chiropractor.
Come on.
Stevie, wait up! - I was - Excuse me.
I was hoping we could have a quiet moment to discuss this.
I haven't had a quiet moment since the late seventies.
I want to discuss this job.
I have a problem with the family.
There are two words I don't want to hear problem and family.
They're against me working here.
I just don't feel right going against their wishes.
People, this is a hospital.
Can we have a little decorum? I have to state my position.
I could file a grievance against this hospital.
I'm having a breakdown.
I worked for this? No one's going to have a breakdown before me.
You, speak.
Dr.
canfield, we feel as a group that Dr.
Newman should fulfill her obligations as a member of the team or resign.
You'd rather I risk my baby's life by sucking in anesthesia gases.
You should've sucked in some birth control pills, penny.
Oh, for god's sakes.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to No.
No.
No.
Well, I don't think there's any call for that kind of remark, doctor.
It was insulting and unprofessional.
Who's this? Dr.
David howser, my first choice as the new head of family medicine.
You were saying, Dr.
howser? Well Actually, you seem to be the one who needs to get something off your chest.
A pregnancy during your second year of residency is a little ill-timed.
Obviously, the zygote didn't stop to ask your opinion.
The reality is we are called upon to perform as physicians within the constrictions of real life.
This week Dr.
Newman is pregnant.
Next week you may have an ulcer.
At some point in life, we all need help.
You have chosen the noblest profession, and it requires noble behavior.
Dr.
Briggs, you are obviously in need of some sleep.
Who can cover for him for the next few hours? I finished all my clinic work.
The rest of you make a list of sedentary tasks that Dr.
Newman can perform.
Give her the tedious stuff.
Get her to fill out your tax forms.
As for your ankles, I'm sure you've reduced the salt in your diet.
I will.
David Perhaps this is the time for that quiet moment.
Excuse me.
Vinnie, will you open the elevator? What, do I live here? Aah! Lorre.
Come in.
Hi, Vinnie.
I went to your school and tried to find you.
I figured you'd be here.
You went around my school and said to people I might know, "I'm looking for Vinnie delpino.
" Actually, I couldn't find anybody who had ever heard of you.
I don't know about this venice lifestyle, doog.
Any kook off the street can just wander in here.
- Vinnie.
- It's o.
K.
I understand you don't like me, and that's fine with me.
It's your father I'm worrying about.
He's hurting, Vinnie.
Uh, excuse me.
I'm just gonna go, um To the other side of the room.
Like you can't hear from there? Sit down.
It's hard to think of your father being with someone else.
You don't know anything.
My parents fought a lot, but they had something.
They were married for 34 years.
Now he's just thrown that in the dumpster and started acting like some geriatric lothario.
Your father is still a very attractive man.
Lady, don't even start down that road.
Vinnie, tell me about Janine.
How do you know about Janine? You two went out for a long time, right? I don't want to talk about Janine.
She'd make 10 of you.
You're still fond of her, aren't you? We didn't break up 'cause we didn't like each other.
Maybe that's what happened with your parents.
His dating me doesn't take away from all their years together.
Your father devoted making sure you had everything you needed, Vinnie.
A lot of what you are is owed to him.
Maybe what's easy for you isn't the most important thing anymore.
Think about it.
We're seeing a lot of you lately.
That oven there is functioning, isn't it? Mom invited me.
I made too much pot roast.
How was work? Fine.
I saw three sinus infections.
It was a big mucus day.
Dad You know, David Your turn.
I think doogie has something to discuss with you.
You know, mom, you're better at this than I am.
Go ahead.
Please, someone speak.
Well, dad, um On reflection, um I think you should take the job.
What job? The hospital job.
Oh, that job.
I have to agree with him, David.
The way you handled those residents yesterday was so deft.
Everyone was incredibly impressed.
Douglas What route did your thoughts take? Well, I agree.
You're great with people, and you're really a good physician.
Good? I think you have to be more than good to do this job.
You're a great physician, dad.
You're brilliant.
Well? Oh, I don't know.
I don't want to end up face-down in my lunch.
I was just saying that stuff because Because why? Oh, because we're selfishly thinking about our own needs and completely ignoring yours.
Well, I would've tap-danced a little faster, but that's basically it, yeah.
Well, I don't think you need to worry.
The family is where we get to exhibit our worst sides, knowing that we're going to be loved anyway.
I know.
You've let me do that plenty of times.
So, you want to call Dr.
canfield now? I think I'll have seconds.
You know, sometimes something is so good, you just can't get enough.
You'll be delighted to know, by the way, I made up with my dad.
Yep.
We hugged.
We cried.
We slapped each other on the back.
Really? No, of course not.
I said to him, "it's your life.
You do what you want.
" He said, "thanks.
You're in my chair.
" It was a touching moment as delpino family moments go.
You know, that lorre I guess she's just not your average masseuse cum voice trainer cum cat-hat maker.
Speaking of family moments, I'll be having more than my fair share.
Dad's going to take that job at the hospital.
Oh, man.
Fathers you invest so much faith in them.
In the end, they do just what they want to do anyway.
Yep.
Middle-agers, they're a handful.
Don't you just love Angela lansbury? We're finished.
horschlauer.
Why do you think there's so much diarrhea in developing nations? Is this a quiz? Bacteria multiplies quickly when food is a landing pad for everything with six legs.
This is supposed to be a hospital.
Bad day at the office, doctor? I don't want to talk about it.
So, you think the bulls are going to three-peat? I've got a chickenpox epidemic.
I've got mothers screaming at me about the new hep "b" shot, and now I've got a female resident who's decided that this is a good time for her to get pregnant.
Let me buy you lunch.
Maybe you should think about taking a vacation.
There's no vacation for the head of family medicine.
They find you.
They beep you.
They hunt you down.
Ranitidine.
I'm working on my last yard of healthy intestine.
The chow mein was a mistake.
Great.
That's what I got.
Dr.
horschlauer? Brian? Surprise! Surprise! Happy housewarming, son.
Happy new house.
You He didn't know.
All right.
Doog, cool place, man.
Thanks.
Here's a surgical instrument for you.
It's kind of my den of iniquity to be.
Let's open the champagne.
This is my present.
Mine's here.
Ooh, chateau nonalcoholic, '92.
A stellar year, I'm told.
I thought your father was coming.
The old man doesn't get out much these days, not since the big bust-up.
Vinnie's parents are kind of going their separate ways.
You can say it.
They're getting a divorce.
The big "d.
" The old man's become one with his barcolounger, just sits there watching reality programming.
He's already identified one of America's most wanted.
Dad? Sorry we're late.
Lorre couldn't decide what to wear.
I don't know why.
Everything looks beautiful on her.
Whoa! You've got some real rocks up here.
Are you in construction? No.
I'm a doctor.
Oh, they're the worst.
Has anyone ever talked to you about stretching or yoga? That's it.
Let it out.
She knows all this stuff.
She works for a chiropractor.
That's how we met.
Carmine had knots the size of a poodle.
I had to walk on his back.
You'll like this joke.
When I first met lorre, she walked all over me.
That was a joke, Vincent.
I'm laughing on the inside.
Tell them what else you do.
Pore minimizing? It's just something I do on the side.
I make hats for cats.
Did you ever think about going around to a hospital and giving massages? I'll put in a good word.
That's a brilliant idea.
Do you mind if I just give my card to everyone? Here.
"Lorre mercatanti.
" Lorre.
Oh.
"Massage therapist and voice trainer.
" It's just something I do on the side.
It's amazing she finds time to pick up married men.
Vincent! Why don't you show me doogie's powder room? Look, Vinnie, whatever beef you got, you got with me.
O.
K.
, here's the beef You're pathetic.
Your divorce isn't even final, and you're parading around with some love connection reject.
Don't talk this way.
I think Vinnie's still adjusting to his father's new situation.
Carmine said he's a very sensitive boy.
She's a tootsie! She's got more silicone in her than an IBM compatible! And observant, too.
I'm your father, and I deserve your respect.
Hey! Hey, come back here and say you're sorry! Forget it! If anybody owes an apology, it's you.
You turned our family into a joke! You're a little off your game today, Ben.
My goal was just to be standing at the end.
You work too hard.
Tell me about it.
Of course it doesn't help when your head of family medicine expires on duty.
Oh, yes.
Dr.
horschlauer.
How old was he? Now I'm going to have to find someone with years of family practice experience, whom I trust completely, and who's interested in hospital work and teaching.
Know anyone like that, David? Are you offering me a job? Actually, I'm groveling.
I'm flattered.
I don't want you to be flattered.
I want you to say yes.
You mean until he finds someone permanent.
No.
I'd be it.
I'd take over horschlauer's job.
That's quite a compliment coming from Ben.
Too bad you can't take it.
Why can't I do it? Well, dad, you have your practice.
My practice Bursitis, acne, shin splints.
The most exhilarating experience I've had all year was your calling me in on that child abuse case.
That was one day.
Working at a teaching hospital is not exhilarating on a regular basis.
It's tiring, it's tense, it's stressful.
Douglas, do you have a problem with this on a personal basis? Personally, I think it's a great idea.
You can be honest with me, son.
Douglas, can I see you a moment? In a minute, dad.
That's your father? Is he doing a good job here? Well, it's not terrible.
I just think you should look at this from all sides.
Katherine, do you have any thoughts? Well, I think you'd have a profound impact at the hospital, David.
Yes.
Oh, this is Dr.
Douglas howser.
I'm very pleased to meet you, sir.
I happen to think you're the best chairman the a.
M.
A.
Has ever had.
Our head of family medicine Dr.
David howser.
Oh, this is our patient advocate Mrs.
Katherine howser.
The little woman.
Got her where you can keep an eye on her, huh? But I think doogie's got a good point.
You're not getting any younger, David.
Do you really need the stress? I don't want to see you face-down in a bowl of chicken chow mein.
Do you, mom? God forbid.
You two have given me a lot to think about.
We're just concerned about you, dad.
Yes.
I must be the luckiest man alive to have the benefit of my family's caring, selfless insight.
Really, I'm touched.
Excuse me.
I don't know about that third period professor.
Doesn't look like he's been to the movies in 25 years.
Maybe he doesn't know about senior citizen discounts.
Hey, vin, you coming? I'll catch up later.
O.
K.
Whatever.
Vincent! Cassie, wait up.
What are you doing here? I thought I'd take you out for whatever kids go out for these days.
One of those father-son things.
Which we never did when we lived in the same house.
Vincent, don't take that tone.
I wasn't always there for you.
I'm trying to make up for it.
Lorre taught me you have to live in the now.
Why don't you go live in lorre's now? We got nothing to say.
You got a dozen reasons for being mad at me, but we may never get another chance to work this out.
You should have thought of that before you went to the chiropractor.
Come on.
Stevie, wait up! - I was - Excuse me.
I was hoping we could have a quiet moment to discuss this.
I haven't had a quiet moment since the late seventies.
I want to discuss this job.
I have a problem with the family.
There are two words I don't want to hear problem and family.
They're against me working here.
I just don't feel right going against their wishes.
People, this is a hospital.
Can we have a little decorum? I have to state my position.
I could file a grievance against this hospital.
I'm having a breakdown.
I worked for this? No one's going to have a breakdown before me.
You, speak.
Dr.
canfield, we feel as a group that Dr.
Newman should fulfill her obligations as a member of the team or resign.
You'd rather I risk my baby's life by sucking in anesthesia gases.
You should've sucked in some birth control pills, penny.
Oh, for god's sakes.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to No.
No.
No.
Well, I don't think there's any call for that kind of remark, doctor.
It was insulting and unprofessional.
Who's this? Dr.
David howser, my first choice as the new head of family medicine.
You were saying, Dr.
howser? Well Actually, you seem to be the one who needs to get something off your chest.
A pregnancy during your second year of residency is a little ill-timed.
Obviously, the zygote didn't stop to ask your opinion.
The reality is we are called upon to perform as physicians within the constrictions of real life.
This week Dr.
Newman is pregnant.
Next week you may have an ulcer.
At some point in life, we all need help.
You have chosen the noblest profession, and it requires noble behavior.
Dr.
Briggs, you are obviously in need of some sleep.
Who can cover for him for the next few hours? I finished all my clinic work.
The rest of you make a list of sedentary tasks that Dr.
Newman can perform.
Give her the tedious stuff.
Get her to fill out your tax forms.
As for your ankles, I'm sure you've reduced the salt in your diet.
I will.
David Perhaps this is the time for that quiet moment.
Excuse me.
Vinnie, will you open the elevator? What, do I live here? Aah! Lorre.
Come in.
Hi, Vinnie.
I went to your school and tried to find you.
I figured you'd be here.
You went around my school and said to people I might know, "I'm looking for Vinnie delpino.
" Actually, I couldn't find anybody who had ever heard of you.
I don't know about this venice lifestyle, doog.
Any kook off the street can just wander in here.
- Vinnie.
- It's o.
K.
I understand you don't like me, and that's fine with me.
It's your father I'm worrying about.
He's hurting, Vinnie.
Uh, excuse me.
I'm just gonna go, um To the other side of the room.
Like you can't hear from there? Sit down.
It's hard to think of your father being with someone else.
You don't know anything.
My parents fought a lot, but they had something.
They were married for 34 years.
Now he's just thrown that in the dumpster and started acting like some geriatric lothario.
Your father is still a very attractive man.
Lady, don't even start down that road.
Vinnie, tell me about Janine.
How do you know about Janine? You two went out for a long time, right? I don't want to talk about Janine.
She'd make 10 of you.
You're still fond of her, aren't you? We didn't break up 'cause we didn't like each other.
Maybe that's what happened with your parents.
His dating me doesn't take away from all their years together.
Your father devoted making sure you had everything you needed, Vinnie.
A lot of what you are is owed to him.
Maybe what's easy for you isn't the most important thing anymore.
Think about it.
We're seeing a lot of you lately.
That oven there is functioning, isn't it? Mom invited me.
I made too much pot roast.
How was work? Fine.
I saw three sinus infections.
It was a big mucus day.
Dad You know, David Your turn.
I think doogie has something to discuss with you.
You know, mom, you're better at this than I am.
Go ahead.
Please, someone speak.
Well, dad, um On reflection, um I think you should take the job.
What job? The hospital job.
Oh, that job.
I have to agree with him, David.
The way you handled those residents yesterday was so deft.
Everyone was incredibly impressed.
Douglas What route did your thoughts take? Well, I agree.
You're great with people, and you're really a good physician.
Good? I think you have to be more than good to do this job.
You're a great physician, dad.
You're brilliant.
Well? Oh, I don't know.
I don't want to end up face-down in my lunch.
I was just saying that stuff because Because why? Oh, because we're selfishly thinking about our own needs and completely ignoring yours.
Well, I would've tap-danced a little faster, but that's basically it, yeah.
Well, I don't think you need to worry.
The family is where we get to exhibit our worst sides, knowing that we're going to be loved anyway.
I know.
You've let me do that plenty of times.
So, you want to call Dr.
canfield now? I think I'll have seconds.
You know, sometimes something is so good, you just can't get enough.
You'll be delighted to know, by the way, I made up with my dad.
Yep.
We hugged.
We cried.
We slapped each other on the back.
Really? No, of course not.
I said to him, "it's your life.
You do what you want.
" He said, "thanks.
You're in my chair.
" It was a touching moment as delpino family moments go.
You know, that lorre I guess she's just not your average masseuse cum voice trainer cum cat-hat maker.
Speaking of family moments, I'll be having more than my fair share.
Dad's going to take that job at the hospital.
Oh, man.
Fathers you invest so much faith in them.
In the end, they do just what they want to do anyway.
Yep.
Middle-agers, they're a handful.
Don't you just love Angela lansbury? We're finished.