Empty Nest (1988) s04e15 Episode Script

Thanks a lot for fixing me up, Barbara! That was the worst date I ever had! What in the world made you think we had anything in common? Well, for one, he said he was into causes.
No, Barbara, causeways! He works for the highway department! Oh, it was very romantic.
We spent two hours on the back of a truck dropping rubber cones every 20 feet.
What's your point? You are the worst judge of people in the entire world.
Nuh-uh, I hate you.
I will never again trust anything you say, period.
You have terrible judgment and terrible taste.
You're crazy.
I'm going to the video store.
They're holding ishtar for me.
It's probably just the pool boy.
Coming! - Hi.
- Hello, who are you? I'm looking for Barbara Weston.
Oh, she's not here.
I'm her sister, Carol.
- Is she expecting you? - Sort of.
Four years ago, I told her I'd be back.
Name is Lou, Lou zinni.
- Who? - Lou zinni.
- Lou - Zinni! I've heard that name somewhere.
Last night, details at 11:00.
That prison break.
You're one of the escaped convicts! Pretty smart for a highway worker, aren't you? Oh, my god, a gun.
A convict with a gun.
An escaped convict in my house with a gun pointing at me.
All right, all right.
Shut up, lady, shut up! A rude escaped convict with a gun.
Listen, it's your sister I'm after, not you.
Now, where is she? What do you want with her? Four years ago, she busted me.
I did time.
I wasn't a happy camper.
Now she's going to pay for it.
- You won't get away with this.
- Oh, really, why not? Because we have an attack dog! - Where? - Right there! Dreyfuss, kill! Yeah! Kill, kill, kill! We all love my face! Kill, kill.
Oh, nice attack dog.
Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery One by one - one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine, I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on Lori, what did the snail say when he was riding on the turtle's back? Whee! Stop dawdlin'.
We've got a schedule.
It's Friday, they's traffic.
All right, bye-bye.
I'll see ya.
Take care, my baby, now.
All right, Laverne, I'm ready.
The bag is in the car.
Do you really think a weekend seminar in sarasota is gonna do us any good? "Doctors and nurses, let's communicate.
" Let's don't.
Laverne, it'll be a good experience, help us work out our problems.
We have no problems.
I'm efficient, you're not.
I'm right, you're wrong.
That's exactly what I'm talking about, Laverne, like last week.
Oh, here we go again.
You forget your lady friend's birthday, and then I send her a card, and you complain about it.
Laverne, it was her 50th birthday.
You don't send a sympathy card! It was a joke! I was givin' you a great sense of humor.
Look, Laverne, it's not like I don't appreciate the gesture, but it was an inappropriate choice.
Well, next time, send ya own card.
Well, I mean, I would have, if you'd given me half a chance! Every time I give you half a chance, you take the wrong half.
All right, so what? So maybe I would've forgotten.
The point is, Laverne, you made a mistake, and you just cannot admit that you're wrong.
And I say, once again, I saved your inefficient butt.
Cozy setup, fancy place here.
So, uh, who lives here? Just me, my sister, and my father.
Get real.
Do you expect me to believe two women your age still live at home with daddy? Carol, bad news.
I couldn't get ishtar.
Oh, Barbara, that's criminal.
Well, well, well.
What, what's going on? Who are you? Does the name Lou zinni ring a bell? No.
Lou, I'm Lou zinni.
You put me behind bars, for god's sake.
Are you part of the Lou zinni gang? No, no, no, no.
Louis, new word, zinni.
Money laundering, you remember? - Oh, yeah.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Oh, my god! He's got a gun! I wouldn't try that, if I were you.
You got any other weapons stashed around here? No, that's it.
Kitchen cupboard, third shelf, behind the ho-hos.
- Look, ziddy.
- Zinni! What is it you want from us? Hey, hey, I'm giving the orders around here.
Just sit down and shut up.
Do you mind if I use the phone? It's a local call.
What are we going to do? Don't you have a plan? Yeah, I had a very good plan.
It was behind the ho-hos.
Hello, Connie, it's me.
I'm at this house in Miami, two sisters, one of them's a looker.
Now, look, I've just got to wrap up some business here, and then it's that villa in Mexico, just you and me, babe, just the way we always Lou.
It's Lou zinni.
Jeez, look at your tattoo, for god's sake.
Mr.
zinni, when you made that reference to one of us being a looker shut up.
Before you put me away, I was averaging 22 grand a year.
Not great, but steady.
I figure, for the four years I did time, you owe me 88,000 plus interest.
That's crazy.
I don't have that kind of money.
I'm a cop.
Well, either I get the money, or I can get very unpleasant.
In prison, I was known by the nickname "violent mood swings.
" Oh, my god! All right, look.
I'll get the money.
I've got daddy's bank book.
- That's a good girl.
- You do? Yes.
Daddy gave you his bank book? - Yes.
- But daddy's the only one authorized to sign for withdrawal.
Not really, I have power of attorney.
All right, then, it's all set.
Hold it.
Daddy gave you power of attorney? - Yes.
- But why you? I'm the oldest.
I'm the sanest.
Will you can it, please? You make me yearn for solitary, you two.
Listen, you can't do this.
That's our father's entire life savings.
Oh, a Miami doctor's going to have cash flow problems.
My, my, that really saddens me.
Boo-hoo, boo-hoo! It's all set.
Tomorrow morning, we go to the bank.
By the way, what else is in there? You got a safe deposit box? Yes, but the only thing that's in it is daddy's will.
How do you know about daddy's will? - I'm the executor.
- You're the executor? Shut up! Just shut up! The car wouldn't have broken down if you hadn't been such a rotten driver.
The car wouldn't have broken down, Laverne, if you hadn't been wrong about taking that back road.
You two been married long? We're not married.
We're doctor and nurse.
Well, if you've got 17.
50, you can be whatever you want.
We are doctor and nurse.
Yeah, sure.
You want the room for an hour or a half hour? Listen to me.
Our car broke down.
We are tired.
All we need is two rooms.
Only one room left, doctor.
We can't share a room.
How far is the nearest motel? That ain't as nice.
Don't have bug zingers.
Fine.
Harry Weston, m.
D.
Oh, nice touch! Whoa, hbo.
In prison, all we got was basic cable.
Barbara, you're a cop.
Can't you do something? Take it easy.
When we were in the kitchen before, I left a note for Charley in the refrigerator.
Oh, great, Charley.
He can barely read.
Come on, you've had SWAT training.
Improvise, overpower him.
With what? He's got .
45.
We've got knick-knacks.
Barbara, Lou was desperate for food.
What's another basic urge man has? You'd better be talking about cabinet-making.
Sex.
- Sex? - Not real.
I'll pretend, I'll fake it.
Carol, you lost a husband that way.
Barbara Look, I'll distract him.
I'll start to seduce him, and you grab his gun.
Carol, this is not one of your renaissance fair performers! This is a hardened criminal! Barbara, I can handle it.
This is more than sex.
It's psychological.
The man has been inadequately parented.
Trust me, I know how to push all the right buttons.
Oh, Lou.
Lou, I feel so bad that you were in prison for such a long time.
There, oh, that's better.
My ample breasts felt so contained.
I think he really had the hots for you.
Shut up! Would you look at the size of these bugs? What do they do, nuclear testing around here? Oh, oh, I'm so bushed.
Come on, Laverne, let's get some sleep.
All right, but before we get settled in, they's gotta be some rules.
- Rules? - No sleepwalkin', no snorin', no spittin' tobacco.
Fine, and I won't either, Laverne.
Oh, let's get some rest! Want to watch TV? No, no, no, no, please.
I just want to sleep.
Johnny, arsenio, or Lem? Lem, who's Lem? Local talk show guy.
He's real good.
His sidekick is Roland.
Please shut it off.
I need some sleep.
I want to be fresh for the seminar.
Okay, I'm kind of whooped myself.
Yeah, yeah.
Good night.
Oh, oh.
Oh! I can't sleep! Does that mean I can't sleep, either? Carol, we're in trouble.
I don't have daddy's bank book.
I can't get the money.
You mean, you made up the whole thing? Well, I was trying to buy us time.
Hold it.
Are you saying you can't get the money? Would you wait just a minute, please! So you don't have power of attorney, after all? You shouldn't have lied to me.
You shouldn't have lied to me, either.
Lou, I know your pain.
I knew it.
I knew daddy would never give you power of attorney, or make you executor.
No.
I am executor.
That part is true.
Oh, by the way, you get nothing.
Connie, we've got a change in plans.
We're splitting for Mexico right away.
Pick me up at 1755 Fairview road.
It's a cul-de-sac.
You know, it's one of those streets when you come to the end of it, it's round.
It's round! Just get here, will ya? Oh, and Connie, I won't be alone.
We're going to have company for the ride.
It may be the looker.
I don't know! Ride, what ride? There's this thing called ransom.
My guess is your daddy's going to pay a pretty penny to get his daughters back.
I'm going to pack some things.
Does your father have any golf pants? He's a doctor, isn't he? He's going to take us to Mexico? We need a miracle to get out of this.
That, or a knight in shining armor.
When you're with the flintstones Have a yabba dabba doo time, a dabba doo time It's Charley.
He's going to see the note.
Oh, my god.
Where's the beer? Whoo! That was close.
I'm going to the kitchen to get us some food.
Ah, no beer.
Ah, there it is.
What happened to Charley? Who knows? Dreyfuss, dreyfuss, dreyfuss, dreyfuss.
Dreyfuss to the rescue! Dreyfuss? Are you kidding? Dreyfuss, sit down, boy! Sit down, sit down.
Good boy.
Uh-huh.
Now, lay down.
Lay down, dreyfuss.
Lay down.
Good boy.
Now, dreyfuss, bite the rope.
Bite the rope, dreyfuss! Dreyfuss, bite the rope! Bite the rope, dreyfuss! Dreyfuss! Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na Na, na, na, na, Batman - Who is that? - Our neighbor.
You just let him come in here like that? He's a wacky neighbor.
Hey, you gals still awake? - I'll take care of him.
- No, no, don't hurt him.
We'll, we'll get rid of him.
You better, or I will.
Whoa! Kinky.
I've died and gone to heaven.
Get out, Charley! Oh, I know, three's company, four's a crowd.
Been there.
Love exciting and new, come aboard We're expecting you nice voice.
- Favorite color? - Purple.
Mine's red.
Greatest song ever writ? Hoagy Carmichael, stardust.
Wrong, a boy named sue.
Greatest movie line of all time? That's easy, Casablanca, bogart's line.
"You'll regret it.
" Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, "but soon, and for the rest of your life.
" - Wrong.
- Wrong? Roadhouse.
The movie roadhouse has the best line of all time? Yeah, Patrick Swayze is this cooler.
That's like a bouncer, only better.
And in this scene, he's chewin' out all the other bouncers, and he gets right in their face, and he says, "it's either my way or the highway.
" You think that's better than Casablanca? Casablanca oh, lord.
You just like that movie because Veronica lake's in it.
You've always had a thing for Veronica lake.
No, I, no, I haven't.
And she wasn't in that movie.
It was Ingrid bergman.
I have seen that dopey movie two times, and it was Veronica lake, your honey.
Laverne, the whole world knows it's It was Ingrid bergman.
This is a perfect example of what I'm taking about.
You're wrong, and you won't admit it.
I am not wrong! Well, you think you've never been wrong in your whole life.
Well, that's stupid.
Everybody's been wrong one time or another.
Oh, well, good.
Well, just give me one example.
Aside from comin' to work for you? Yeah, besides that.
Come on, Laverne.
When, when were you wrong? All right.
All right, you want one? I'll give you one A real doozy that's haunted me my whole life.
I was 11.
We were in the state academic grammar school Olympics in little rock.
It was nip and tuck, right up to the tie breaker question, "who invented the steamboat?" And all my teammates kept sayin' "Robert fulton", Robert fulton.
" But I knew they was wrong, and I was right.
I mean, you might not believe it, but I's pretty stubborn at that age.
You're kidding.
Anyway, I was the team captain, so I stood up in front of 800 people and announced that the inventor of the steamboat was Stephen foster.
Now, that whole big auditorium just broke up laughin'.
Well, maybe it was funny to them, but I thought I'd die.
That must have been awful for you.
Well, it was, at the time.
As a matter of fact, doctor, you're the first person I ever told that story to.
But now that I've got it off my chest, it don't seem so bad.
There you go.
You see? I mean, it's not so terrible.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, it's kind of a relief.
I was wrong, big deal.
That's the spirit.
Come on, everybody's wrong now and then.
I've been wrong a ton of times, doctor, and if that's made your life difficult, I do apologize.
Well, I, I, I, I can't say it hasn't, but I want you to know, Laverne, I truly appreciate all that you do for me.
Thank you, doctor.
Well, whoo-wee, it's been quite a day.
I am plumb wore out.
We'd better get some rest if we're gon' make that seminar tomorrow.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe we don't have to go to that seminar, Laverne.
I think we just had ours.
I think you're right.
Good night, doctor.
Good night, dear.
You know, I was wrong another time.
I never should've bought that gremlin hatchback.
You bought a gremlin hatchback? Connie will be here any minute.
Time to go to Mexico.
Oh, he's really going to take us.
Not us.
One of you should be enough to bring your daddy's money.
- Come on, red.
- Me? - Yeah, you.
- He's taking me, Barbara.
Well, wait a minute.
Are you crazy? Don't take my sister.
Take me.
You've never been on a trip with her.
She's a whiner.
She gets carsick.
She has a real small bladder, and you'll never get her to eat at stuckey's! Hey, I call the shots here.
I decide who to take.
Red's going.
You'd be too much trouble, you're a cop.
Come on, red.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! No, no, I can't go to Mexico! All those tortillas and flan! The choking smog in la zocalo.
Thanks for warning me.
I'll gag her in the car.
Oh, brilliant, Connie! Honk, honk! and she's honking the horn.
Okay, red, let's go.
All right, wait a minute! Carol, you're not going with him.
What? Lou, the only way you're leaving here is alone, because nobody is going with you.
What are you, crazy, lady? I'm taking your sister hostage.
Carol, don't listen to him.
Just, just move away from him.
Barbara, but perhaps you've forgotten about bang, bang.
Carol, trust me.
I know this guy's profile.
I know what he's about.
He's not going to shoot you.
Now, come over here.
I'm warning you.
Carol, don't listen to him! Get over here! All right, come on, Connie! Why don't you flash the lights, too? Let's go, red.
Carol, stay put.
He not going to shoot you.
He doesn't have it in him.
Are you sure, Barbara? Yeah, are you sure, Barbara? One hundred percent sure.
Carol, he's bluffing.
I'm not bluffing.
He says he's not bluffing.
- I'm cocking the gun.
- He's cocking the gun.
He's not going to do it, Carol.
- Don't make me do this.
- I think he's going to do it.
Carol, trust me.
Barbara, I told you I would never ever trust you again, but I've changed my mind.
I'm going with my sister.
All right, you leave me no choice.
I'm leaving! But it's my choice.
Wait! Lou, before you go, just one thing.
Yeah? Which one of us is the looker? You'll never know.
Car's all fixed, gassed up, just like you asked doctor.
Thanks.
What's the best way back to Miami? Hey, just head out highway 81.
I know a quicker way.
Laverne, we're not taking that back road again.
You just go up the road about a mile, you make a right at the nuclear power plant.
Hey, there's that guy, look! They caught that escaped convict.
How do you feel about being recaptured, Mr.
ziddy? Zinni! Lou zinni!