Ghosts (2021) s04e15 Episode Script

1
How're we hanging?
- Oh, hey.
- Hey, what's up?
Is that Pete? Is Pete back?
- Is that Pete?
- SAMANTHA: No, Jay.
- It's just Thor.
- [GROANS]
Just? Thor not love that.
SAMANTHA: Jay's a little anxious.
He's waiting on some big news.
Last week, a critic from the
Hudson Valley Gazette
came to review the restaurant.
A couple of us ghosts sussed it out
when we overheard him
talking on his cell phone
in the parking lot when he was leaving.
Anyway, we sent Pete to
the Gazette offices
to spy on the reviewer
and find out in advance
if it's a good review or a bad review.
You know, I don't even care.
Reviews aren't important.
What matters is whether or
not I'm proud of the food.
[CHUCKLES]: Which I am.
So I think we just tell Pete
to call this whole thing off.
Hey, gang.
Hey! Pete's back.
What did he say? Did he like it?
Am I ruined? Am I a star?
Babe, come on here, I'm drowning.
He hasn't said anything yet.
Well, let the man speak. Geez!
Okay, I'll get right to it. It's a rave!
The critic loved Jay's restaurant.
- He loved it, babe.
- Oh, what a relief.
This is huge!
Man, it feels good to spread joy.
This must be what Johnny
Appleseed felt like.
You get an apple tree.
You get an apple tree.
You get an apple tree!
Where is this going, Pete?
I don't know. Sometimes it
just feels good to make noise.
- [SCREAMS]
- [GROANS]
That was pretty fun.
See? He gets it.
♪
Who's this guy?
That's Chris, the
dinosaur-loving stripper
that Sam previously hired to dance
in front of an empty chair
at Isaac's bachelor party.
No, I know. I meant this guy.
- I'm Isaac.
- Oh, right on. Cool pants.
CHRIS: Excited to be back, Sam.
Now, will I be performing
for an empty chair
while you watch again?
That wasn't for me. That was
Well, you see, the reason
There's really no good explanation.
You'll be performing for a bachelorette
party full of living humans.
I mean, people.
Smooth.
Well, then let's talk price tiers.
There's the simple "here's your
pizza, extra sausage" package.
- That sounds pretty good.
- Then you've got
your "fireman with a hose,"
your "plumber with a pipe,"
and then the big boy,
our premium package known
as "It's Raining Men."
- Yes, please.
- ISAAC: Samantha.
Can you request that he reprise
his erotic Dilophosaurus
clicking routine?
That's a crowd-pleaser.
Uh-uh, this is not your party.
This is my great-grandniece's
bachelorette party,
and she's not into dinosaurs
'cause she's an adult.
- So just back off.
- SAMANTHA: Oh, perfect timing.
Here comes the bride-to-be.
Alicia, this is Chris.
We're discussing his package.
- Chris, great to meet you.
- Sorry.
I don't want to be
rude, but it's bad luck
for the bride to see the stripper
before the bachelorette party.
Oh, that's not true.
Carol saw her stripper
before the Oh, my God.
Oh, uh, sorry, I wasn't aware
of that particular tradition.
CHRIS: Oh.
Yeah, at least I have my pants on.
Otherwise, the whole
weekend would be cursed.
Uh, Alicia,
I will see you tomorrow night.
And who knows, it may
just be raining men.
Hallelujah.
[CLEARS THROAT] Thank you.
So, are you excited for the big weekend?
Very. There's a rumor
CCR's gonna do a secret set.
ALICIA: I am. [CHUCKLES] Oh,
it's so amazing to be here.
And I know it sounds woo-woo, but
I really can feel Alberta's presence.
[CHUCKLES] I'm right here, sweetie.
Ask about the guy, Sam.
Tell me about your
fiancé. His name's Derrick?
Yeah. He's pretty great. We
actually met on the subway.
And it's really weird
'cause the night before,
I had a dream I was gonna
meet someone on the subway.
And there he was.
He stood up to give me his seat.
He sounds like a gentleman.
Oh, he goes to church.
He's nice to his mom.
Oh, loving all of this.
Tell me, what does he do for work?
He's a musician.
Mm-mm. Hell no.
- Like, professionally?
- ALICIA: Yeah.
He's a guitarist.
Tell her to walk away, Sam!
Being with a musician is signing up
for a lifetime of heartache.
I'm very happy for you.
I can confirm, musicians are no bueno.
Speaking as an oboist.
The bad boys of the woodwind section.
Two reeds, twice the trouble.
[LAUGHS]
You see anything?
- MARK: Give me a sec.
- THOR: Very dangerous.
That's how Sylvia Plath kill herself.
TV was on PBS, and Trevor
not there to change it.
Looks like it's just the pilot light.
I'll take care of it.
Oh, by the way, the Hudson
Valley Gazette
is publishing a review of Mahesh.
And a little birdie
told me it's a rave.
Tweet tweet. I'm the little birdie.
MARK: Dude, that's amazing.
I say we celebrate with some mortadella.
You know that stuff's
like $20 a pound, right?
Yeah, that's why I don't
have it at my house.
Not to gloat, but I may have
played a hand in that review.
Or more accurately,
played a finger in it.
Ugh, whatever you're talking about,
you did not need to say it like that.
Once we figured out that
that guy was a critic,
I used my power to pose as an investor
and sent him a little cash-ola
in exchange for a good review.
What? Why would you do that?
Because I owe Jay.
I would've lost my finance job
if he hadn't pretended to be me.
But Jay wouldn't want to
get a good review that way.
It's a win-win.
Jay gets what he wants,
and his hands are clean.
Thor wish he would've
died with clean hands,
but alas, Thor eat onion
right before lightning strike.
[SNIFFS, GROANS]
Trevor, I think what you did was wrong
and we need to tell Sam.
Okay, I will not be
lectured to by a Boy Scout
like I'm some kind of sleazeball.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go spy on
this bachelorette party
and see what kind of
talent we're working with.
[SIGHS] Don't.
Yeah.
To our girl, Alicia.
I would wish you the best,
but you already settled for Derrick.
- So let's get drunk!
- [LAUGHTER]
- [WHOOPING]
- ALBERTA: See?
Even they know Alicia can do
way better than a musician.
Geez, what are you, the grandma in Coco?
ALBERTA: Trust me.
I know from experience.
Musicians only care about
themselves and their music.
When push comes to shove,
they'll leave you high and dry.
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
I'll count the minutes
until I see you again.
I'll count the seconds. I love you.
And I love you.
You're my everything. My entire world.
And I can't imagine
my future without you.
I never saw that man again.
Mm. I'm so sorry, Alberta.
SASAPPIS: Me, too.
But that doesn't mean
that all musicians are bad.
I think what Sass is
saying is that he's a virgin
and so his situation is
way worse than anything that
happened with you and that guy.
That's not remotely what I was saying.
Oh, okay.
Delivery for the most
beautiful girl in the world.
Ooh, Derrick! Oh, my God.
Yeah, this guy seems
like he's the worst.
Oh, sweetie, they're gorgeous.
Thank you. I cannot wait to marry you.
Run, Alicia. Save yourself.
- I'll go put these in some water.
- Go, go.
I don't want to interrupt.
Have a fun weekend,
but not too much fun.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, the flowers are kind of nice.
Hey, you left your
sweatshirt at my house.
What's this now?
Just bring it when you
come over this week.
Alicia's out of town
Wednesday and Thursday.
Are you down for a little night sugar?
Uh-oh.
Hold on, maybe there's
an innocent explanation.
Aren't you worried
Alicia's gonna find out?
We're getting pretty
good at keeping it secret.
- Never mind. They're hooking up.
- All right. Thursday then.
- Thursday.
- [LAUGHS]
I knew it! Derrick's
a low-down dirty dog.
Yeah, this doesn't look good.
Oh, Sass, "night sugar"
probably refers to sex.
- Which is like a special hug that adults share
- Please stop.
They're doing it, Sam.
Alicia's fiancé is having
a torrid affair with her maid of honor.
I told you musicians were no good.
Even if that's true, I'm just not sure
what you want me to do about it.
Tell Alicia what's going on.
Ooh, do that thing you do
where you butt in
where you're not wanted,
but this time you're actually wanted.
FLOWER: Just throwing this out there.
What if we bring back Creepy Todd?
He and Alicia did connect,
and he's unlikely to cheat
due to lack of opportunity.
Alberta, I just don't know
how I can get involved.
I mean, it's not like Alicia
and I are super tight friends.
SASAPPIS: It's true.
Sam hinted heavily that she
would like to join them for brunch
and was met with stony
silence and averted eyes.
- It was sad.
- SAMANTHA: I think that was
just because there
weren't enough bagels.
Oh, Sam.
Alberta, I understand that
you care deeply about Alicia,
and I agree this is
a horrible situation,
but I just don't feel
comfortable getting in
the middle of things. I'm sorry.
Fine. If Sam won't get involved,
then we'll have to
tell Alicia ourselves.
SASAPPIS: I agree.
And I know exactly how
to get her the message,
loud and clear.
[GASPS] Skywriting.
No. I'm going to go into
her dreams and tell her.
Yes! You can skywrite in her dreams.
Yep. [SIGHS] That is what I meant.
Oh I just got an
email from the critic.
He wants me to fact-check the review
before he posts it online.
I'm so nervous to read it.
Didn't you already hear that it's great?
Yeah, but there's a
difference between, like,
"good food and ample parking" great
and "the tikka masala
saved my marriage" great.
Thor never tried tikki masala, but
I think Jay setting
bar a little too high.
- Okay, here goes.
- PETE: This is killing me.
Jay deserves a great review,
but Trevor tainted it.
This review has Trevor's
taint all over it.
This is incredible.
In one sentence, he calls Mahesh
a revelation and a triumph.
Holy crap, this restaurant
might actually work.
There's nothing I love
more than a joyful Jay,
but not when it's based on a lie.
Wait. What? "Now that
we have an exemplary
Indian fusion restaurant,
it feels like the only thing
missing from the Hudson
Valley culinary scene is
an upscale breastaurant."
What's an upscale breastaurant?
JAY: It's kind of like a Hooters but
"even classier."
Huh. Is that, like, an
industry term I should know?
No. There's only one other
person I've ever heard use it.
Ugh. I didn't mean for him
to mention breastaurant in the review.
I was separately riffing
about great business ideas.
Okay, this isn't great, but apparently,
Trevor bribed the critic
to give you a good review.
- What? Why would he do that?
- I think he was trying
to help you out because, you
know, you were there for him
with the whole work retreat thing.
Exactly. It was a hero move.
Like when I bribed the
bouncer at Surf Lodge
into letting in my
cousin with the weird eye.
It was the best night of his summer.
Tell him.
He says it was a hero move.
[LAUGHS] Well, thanks a lot, Trevor.
You know, this review meant a lot to me,
but now I'll never actually
know if he liked the food
or if he really was
mesmerized by the ambience.
Well, there's no way he wasn't.
I mean, the sconces are undeniable!
ALBERTA: Are you in her dreams yet?
- Shh! It takes a sec.
- [SIGHS]
♪
- To think this is where it all began.
- Mm.
CONDUCTOR [OVER P.A.] :
Next stop: Marriage-ville.
Mm, you hear that,
honey? We're almost there.
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING]
Not so fast, this
guy's not being true ♪
The real deal is ♪
Derrick's cheating on you ♪
What?
About this marriage
you should be afraids ♪
'Cause Derrick is doing it ♪
With one of your ♪
Bridesmaids. ♪
That is not a good song.
Look, when you can
enter people's dreams,
then you can criticize.
[GASPS] Hey.
What are you two doing in here?
Sam, this is highly inappropriate.
You're breaking into a guest's
room in the middle of the night.
I heard you singing.
Just stop it. Get out of her dreams.
Sam?
Wh-what time is it?
Um
2:18 a.m. [CHUCKLES]
You asked for a wake-up call, right?
- What? No.
- Okay.
Is this officially snooze,
or are you hitting stop?
Can you please get out of my room?
Yep. Going.
ALICIA: Jazmin,
- I got to talk to you.
- What's wrong?
No. Jazmin's the last person
you should be talking to.
She's the other woman.
I had a dream that
Derrick was cheating on me.
No.
Like you don't know, lady.
Oh, she's good.
Did the dream get into
who he was cheating with?
She asks guiltily.
- One of the bridesmaids.
- Look,
I know you put a lot of
stock in dreams and stuff,
but you have to know,
my brother loves you.
He's not a cheater.
Oh, Derrick is her brother.
Oh, no. Uh, I-I mean,
good, but oh, no.
ALICIA: I want to believe you.
I just don't know.
I mean, I was already
thinking this whole thing
was too good to be
true. Maybe it's a sign.
Maybe this marriage is a mistake.
Leesh, slow down. You're spinning out.
I got to go think.
[SIGHS]
Hold on. Her brother?
What about all the "night sugar" talk?
What about Night Sugar?
Don't tell me what happens
in the latest episode.
I haven't seen it yet.
- Night Sugar is a show?
- Mm, it's a guilty pleasure.
It concerns a family candy dynasty.
It's sort of like Succession
meets Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,
- except everybody's hot.
- ALBERTA: So, we ruined
a woman's engagement because her fiancé
was watching crappy TV with his sister?
Oh, I can't believe this.
What did I do?
FLOWER: At least Derrick's
not doing it with anyone.
Oh, Sass, "doing it" is another term
for two adults sharing a special hug.
I hate this.
Hey, Alberta, just checking on you.
Hetty told me what happened.
[SCOFFS] You mean how I
ruined Alicia's marriage
before it even got started?
"Ruined" is strong.
Placed in jeopardy
through gross misconduct.
I got this one, Hetty.
No, she's right.
I got carried away with this idea
that musicians can't be trusted.
That's because you
were hurt by a musician.
That's not exactly true.
Don't forget me.
I could never.
ALBERTA: New York City, here I come!
So, you were the
musician who hurt someone.
ALBERTA: Yes.
We were engaged,
but then I got caught
up chasing my dreams,
and I never looked back.
Well, you were so young, Alberta.
I broke a good man's heart,
and I've never forgiven myself.
I've been carrying that
guilt for a hundred years.
Things don't always work out as planned.
Well, regardless, I took that guilt
and dumped it on Derrick and Alicia.
And now, from beyond the grave,
I've ruined another engagement.
Here's the good news:
you have four seasons of
Night Sugar to catch up on.
I really envy her. It's delectable.
JAY: Hey, thanks for
meeting with me, Ron.
[CHUCKLES]: I just wanted to apologize.
I think one of my investors
got out a little over his skis.
And if he had spoken to me
before reaching out to you,
I'd have told him not
to offer you the bribe.
Mm, right. Your investor.
Look, if you're asking
for the money back,
I've already spent it
on a pretty spicy weekend with
my girlfriend in the Poconos.
TREVOR: Poconos?
That was Cabo money at least.
Funny story, when I was alive,
you know what we thought was on
the other side of the Poconos?
China.
I don't want the money
back. It's just that
the bribe was a mistake.
I'm asking for a do-over review.
Mm, that's not really how we do things
in the world of restaurant reviews.
Oh, of course. Ron is suddenly
a fountain of integrity.
I don't want an unearned review.
I want you to write about
your authentic experience,
even if there's some
things you didn't like.
[SIGHS] Fine.
I got to say, in all
my years of doing this,
you're probably the most honest guy
I've ever accepted a bribe from.
Eh, it's middling praise, but praise.
But
I just want you to know
that I really do think
you were onto something.
The Hudson Valley
truly could use an upscale breastaurant.
Yes. See?
- Thank you, Ron.
- RON: And
it should be called
Mountains of the Valley.
Okay. We are investing in that.
[SIGHS]
Oh, come on, Alicia,
and fall asleep already
so Sass can go into
your dreams and fix this.
And to ensure that tonight's striptease
goes off without a hitch.
Not that that's the most
important concern right now.
I just think it's very
unlikely that she's gonna take
a nap right after she finishes packing.
It's just a very weird thing to do.
ALBERTA: It could happen.
- [STAMMERS]
- Is that a yawn?
It kind of looked like a yawn.
I don't think so. She
just downed a cold brew
- 20 minutes ago.
- [SIGHS]
I know my ghost power must
seem godlike compared to yours,
but I don't stand a
chance against cold brew.
ALBERTA: But when she's all
packed up, she's gonna leave
and end her engagement,
and it will all be my fault.
Really? Nothing?
No one's gonna jump in
with some encouragement?
I'll try.
Great summary. Devastating
in its accuracy.
[ALICIA SIGHS]
I just don't know if
he's cheating or not.
I wish there was some sort of sign.
Ooh, should I get Trevor? Maybe
he could text her or something.
Oh, we don't have time for that.
I got this.
[HUMMING]
[HUMMING ECHOES]
What is that?
You can't ask for a sign and
then be surprised by a sign.
[HUMMING CONTINUES]
Alberta? Is that you?
This is incredible.
So, does this humming mean
that he is cheating or not?
Seriously?
Sort of on her for not
asking a more clear question,
but nevertheless, here we are.
Quick, hum a lullaby,
and once she dozes off,
- then I can tag in.
- I told you, I got this.
[HUMMING]
Oh, what is this? I recognize this.
[HUMMING]
I know for certain the one I love ♪
I'm through with flirting ♪
It's you that I'm thinking of ♪
Ain't misbehaving. ♪
[EXHALES]
So he's not cheating.
Oh, thanks, Alberta.
[WHISPERS]: Anytime.
I don't stay out late ♪
Don't care to go ♪
I'm home about 8:00 ♪
Just me and my radio ♪
Ain't misbehaving ♪
Saving my love ♪
For you. ♪
[LAUGHS] Oh, I did it.
Take that, everyone.
Berty's power saved the day.
Cold brew ain't got nothing on me. Ha!
And the striptease is saved.
A-as is the marriage. Huzzah!
What on Earth are we
doing out here, Samantha?
The latest episode of Night
Sugar starts in five minutes.
We've got to find out who pushed
Dmitri into that vat of caramel.
I think you'll be very happy
with what I have planned.
Oh, and Alberta, I did some digging,
and I found Walter's obituary.
Oh, no, did he die of heartbreak
when he realized I wasn't coming back?
"Walter Boyd, 84, died
peacefully in his home
surrounded by loved ones."
Aww, that's nice.
He lived to be 84?
What was he, a sorcerer?
"He is survived by five children,
16 grandchildren and
his loving wife Osceola."
Only one wife? That's so sad.
See, Alberta?
He went on to have a pretty happy life.
Wait a minute. Osceola Buford?
That was my best friend.
Oh, Walter, you snake.
[LAUGHS]
But good for him. Thank you, Sam.
[LAUGHS]
SAMANTHA: Ooh!
Right on time.
Hey, is it just me or
is the humidity rising?
- What?
- Yep.
The barometer's getting low.
Okay, what the hell are
you talking about, Sam?
I'm talking about that.
[ENGINE PASSING]
Is that a bird?
It's a plane.
No. It's a stripper.
[GASPS]
- It's raining men! ♪
- [LAUGHTER]
Hallelujah! ♪
ALICIA: Did you hire that stripper
to parachute into my bachelorette party?
Yes, I did.
He said it's called the
"It's Raining Men" package.
He's getting pretty close.
Shouldn't he open his chute?
I think that he's delaying
it for dramatic effect.
Uh, he's cutting it
kind of close, isn't he?
SAMANTHA: Oh, my God.
Guys, the review's up.
What does it say, Chef?
"Innovative
surprising in the all the best ways
a game changer."
He barely changed a word. He loved it.
- Yes.
- TREVOR: See?
It all works out.
- [LOUD CRASH]
- [DISTANT SCREAMING]
What the heck was that?
Oh, my God.
Crikey. You guys see that?
That was gnarly.
Can't believe I survived.
Dude.
You didn't.
Oh.
Bugger.
- That makes sense.
- Yeah.