Grounded For Life (2001) s04e15 Episode Script

Mom and Dad never let us use these words.
That one's not even a word.
Sure, it is.
The blank stand for "hole.
" A blank can only be a letter.
Hey, guys who fight about Scrabble don't get any of this.
Hey, who's winnin'? Ew! Gross! Which one? All of them.
I thought the words were at least supposed to connect.
It's the European rules.
Where'd you get this tree? It's not a tree, it's a bean sprout.
I'm growin' it for my science project.
Uncle Eddie's helpin' me with it.
It's nothing.
Just cultivating a soy bean.
Any urban farmer could do it.
We're raising it in my closet using liquid nutrients and grow lights.
It's called "hydrophonics.
" No, it's called hydroponics, dumb-ass.
Your folks are home.
Hey, Dad! Hey! Hey! Claudia, Sean.
How was your anniversary? Delightful.
Hey, it's gettin' late.
Why don't you kids go on up to bed.
All right.
Not you, Brad.
Love you, Uncle Eddie.
Hey, right back at you.
Great kids, man.
Yeah, they are.
I'm gonna kill you.
Why? What did I do? You're a filthy piece of scum.
Can you be a little more specific? Let me ask you somethin', Ed.
Have you ever had people over at this house while we were away? Not that I recall.
Let me help you recall.
Oh, my God.
Whoo! Happy Anniversary, baby.
Ohh, screw-top wine and corn nuts.
Just like our honeymoon.
Nothin' but the best.
Mmm Mmm Sweetie, why is there a menu of adult movies on our TV? Huh? What? Oh, wow! Whoa, I must have just sat on the remote.
Oh.
Accidentally pressed Mm-hmm.
Now that it's there, we might as well watch one.
It's such a special occasion.
Oh Come on, baby.
Or, like, we can at least watch a sexy movie on cable.
Come on.
If we're gonna do this, let's get nasty.
Yeah! Yeah! Ooh, I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
Yeah! Whoa! This is a special occasion.
[mimics funky music.]
Yeah! Never.
Ew.
Oh.
Suburban Heat.
** [background.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! What?! What, baby? Does that look familiar to you? It's been a while, but-- Not what they're doing, where they're doing it.
I think that's our living room! Come on, relax.
A lot of living rooms look similar.
There's a picture of Henry on the table! Oh, my God! All right, Ed, So, what do you have to say for yourself now? You got Claudia to watch porn? Get out! Excuse me.
This is it, Eddie.
I've put up with your crap for too long.
Get out.
All right.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
No, no, no.
Do not come back tomorrow.
Do not come back.
I never want to see you set foot in this house again.
Sean? Go.
O-Okay.
I can take a hint.
Baby, I know you're upset.
I'm upset, too.
Okay? Let's just take a deep breath and just try and get through this thing.
Okay? I'm trying.
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! ** Sean.
What's up? Well, my brother shot an adult film in my house.
My wife's furious.
That's what's up.
She's still on that? Yes, she's still on that.
You know? And she's right.
I can't even defend you on this one.
What the hell were you thinking? Sean, it was a couple of years ago and I needed the money.
You and the kids were out of town.
It seemed foolish to let a perfectly good porno set go to waste.
It is not a porno set! It is our home! If you had waited until the end credits, you would have seen that you were thanked.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Henry.
What are you doin' here? I couldn't get into the house.
I tried pryin' open the window, kickin' down the door, climbin' onto the roof.
Did you try your key? Well, yeah.
That was, like, the third thing I tried.
Okay.
All right.
Hold on.
Give me a few minutes.
I'll take you home.
Hey, Uncle Eddie, my soybean is looking kind of stringy.
You gotta check the pH level on your water.
Can you show me how? UhHenry, Eddie's not allowed over anymore.
How come? He did a very bad thing.
What kind of a bad thing? Well, he, uh, shot a bad movie at our house? How bad? Very bad.
Like Bicentennial Man bad? Uhsimilar.
Similar but different.
Can I see it? No.
No, you can't.
Henry, here.
Go play some video games.
When I get the chance, I'll come over and I'll check out the plant.
Thanks, Uncle Eddie.
Ed, why? Why do you tell him that stuff? You know you're banned from the house.
I know, I know.
But come on.
How long is this gonna drag on? I think Claudia's gonna take this thing to the grave.
Can you believe him? In our house.
Our house! I know.
On our couch.
On our coffee table.
I yell at the kids for not using coasters on that coffee table.
I know.
Ohh! Of all the perverted, disgusting selfish things to do in our house! I know! We sleep in this house, we eat in this house, our children eat and sleep in this house.
Yeech! I feel dirty even being here.
Is that your hand? No.
Okay.
All right.
So, what do I gotta do to make this right with her? Well, it probably wouldn't hurt if you apologized.
All right.
I'll tell her I'm sorry.
Not just that.
Okay? You gotta let her know that you understand her feelings.
That her anger is legitimate.
That you've learned somethin' from all this.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, yeah.
So, what have I learned? Not to shoot porn in our house.
Oh, yeah, right, porn.
No porn.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
What are you doin' here? My key doesn't work, and neither does Jimmy's.
Okay.
You know what? I'm gonna call your mom, see what's goin' on.
Jimmy, what happened to your shirt? Oh.
Nothin'.
It just got caught on something.
Jimmy got beat up by a girl.
What? No, I--I--I didn't get beat up.
Okay? It's just this girl-- Courtney--has her locker next to mine.
Sorry.
It's cool.
So.
Does he ever fall off? Who? The hedgehog that lives in your head.
I get it.
I've got unconventional hair.
If "unconventional" means "stupid.
" Nice shirt! What's your problem?! Get off of me! Make me! Aah! Ooh, that's harsh.
It's not harsh.
She likes you.
She attacked me.
Well, yeah! That's what girls your age do.
They--They hit you because they don't want to admit that they like you.
Wait.
Courtney Daniels likes me? Trust me.
I was once an eighth-grade girl.
Oh, man! What? Don't you remember when we were in junior high? Sorry! Uh, That--That-- That's okay.
Aah! O-ow! Ow! Ow! I can't believe it.
It's all so obvious now.
You liked me that whole time.
What's your point? I already had you.
I mean, I shouldn't have been trying so hard.
Should've been playing hard to get.
[snickers.]
Well, let me tell you something.
Now we're dating.
So when I hit you, it means that you're annoying.
Or it means you really want me.
[chuckles.]
Which one's this? Ahhh! Annoying? Oh, hey, baby.
I was just tryin' to call you.
The kids are in the game room.
They couldn't get in the house.
Oh.
Sorry.
I was tryin' to beat 'em home.
I had all the locks changed this morning.
Oh.
So we're not moving.
Not yet, anyway.
Hi, Mom.
Hey, guys.
I have new keys for you.
Ooh.
Mmm.
Here you go.
Henry, Lily, andJimmy.
You are the reason I changed the locks.
Can I talk to you for a minute? We have nothing to talk about.
Please? [sighs.]
Okay.
I'm sorry about what I did.
You should be.
Yes.
I know it was wrong.
And your anger is completely justified.
Oh, yes, it is! And I understand that now, and there's somethin' else.
Feelings.
I understand your feelings, and I feel like I've learned somethin' from all this.
What exactly is that? Just to respect you and to respect your house and--and to understand that--that you have a thing about people shootin' porn there.
"A thing"? Like a pet peeve.
[laughs.]
Oh.
Yes.
Yes.
A pet peeve.
That's my pet peeve.
Really peeves me when somebody brings naked people over to my house to do it on the couch! And I understand that now.
Eddie, you defiled my home in the filthiest possible way.
Hey, these people made sure to leave the place cleaner when they left than when they found it, which, by the way, was not very hard.
Frankly, I was kind of embarrassed at how messy it was.
You are unbelievable! Well, at least I'm not a hypocrite! What? You like your porn if it's filmed somewhere else "not in my backyard.
" Ohh! Hey, hey.
What happened? I apologized.
She didn't accept.
Eddie, you can go to hell.
You can keep your key! I wasn't giving you one! [door slams.]
That's some complex woman, Sean.
Mmmhh! [rattling.]
[rattling.]
Come on in, Sean.
Eddie, what the hell are you doin' here? You're not supposed to have a key.
Well, for some reason, my old Datsun key, it fits a lot of locks.
Don't you get it? You were banned from this house.
Well, I-- I miss the kids.
What's the harm? The harm is that Claudia's gonna kill you.
Then she's gonna kill me.
That's the harm.
But I apologized to her! You know, this isn't one of your standard Eddie screw-ups.
It's not like you just spilled soda on the carpet.
No.
That was one of the crew guys.
Yeah.
I mean, all I'm saying is, fair warning: You're taking your life in your hands by being here.
Come on, man.
She's at school tonight, right? We can hang out for a little while.
They got Scarface playin' on channel 11.
Scarface? Scarface is on, the edited-for-television version.
We never miss it.
I don't know, Ed.
I don't know if it's a good idea.
[impersonating.]
Forget you, man.
[impersonating.]
Forget me? Forget you! Forget you, man! Forget you, man! No, forget you, man! Okay.
All right.
You can watch the movie, but you gotta split as soon as it's over.
[impersonating.]
Or else Claudia's gonna rip your forgetting head off, my friend! Hey! Uncle Eddie! Hey.
How's the bean sprout comin' along? It's the biggest one in my class by, like, 3 feet.
Sister Margaret asked me what my secret was.
Ooh.
What'd you tell her? "None of your freakin' business.
" That's my boy.
I'll show it to you.
All right.
So.
Let's watch the movie.
Yeah, there's about five minutes left on Runaway Bride here.
Ahh Mr.
Finnerty.
[chuckles.]
Ask him what happened to his shirt.
Lily, stop it.
Brad, what happened to your shirt? It's funny you ask.
Ahem! I heard you were picking on Jimmy Finnerty.
Maybe.
Well, cut it out! Why? You like him? He's my brother.
All I'm saying is that when you mess with him, you mess with me.
And you don't want to mess with me.
Listen, she don't mean to curve your swerve, but she got her bro's back.
You know what I'm saying? What is your problem? I'm just keepin' it real.
I'll see you after social studies.
A'ight.
Word up.
So.
What's your name? Um, Brad.
Was that your girlfriend, Brad? Yeah.
She dropped that.
Hey.
[snickers.]
Very mature.
Yeah.
Hey.
No, wait, g-gimme that back! Why don't you take it? I'm not gonna ta-- Hey! Get off! That's school property! What are you gonna do about it? Lily! Li--Aaaahh! Lily! Aah! Purple! Purple! Oh, my What was I supposed to do? I can't fight a girl.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're lucky she didn't come at you with her "Hello, Kitty" lunchbox.
I'm sorry.
I'm a gentleman.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna ice down my nipples.
Ooh, it's on.
[television plays.]
It's on.
Ohh Forget that Gaspar Gomez! Forget the Diaz Brothers! I am Tony Montana! You funnin' with me, you funnin' with the best! Ha ha ha! Uh, I'm gonna get a beer.
You want a funnin' beer? Yeah, I want a beer! Hey, Tony, don't kill me, don't.
You want Elvira, you can have Elvira, Tony.
[faking sobbing.]
Tony, Tony! [sobbing.]
[Claudia.]
Mmm.
Tony, no! Sexy.
Oh, my--no.
What are you doin' home? I was just drivin' to school, andI just started thinking it's really not fair the way I've been taking this whole Eddie thing out on you.
Oh, no, baby, it's okay.
No.
No.
It's really not.
Andyou know what? We never really got to celebrate our anniversary.
Ohhoh.
Well, but no.
Seriously, you-- you should you should go to school, baby.
You wanted to go so badly.
Oh, it's only Art History.
Only Art History? Art is the fabric of our society, and history tells us when it happened.
[laughing.]
What are you talking about? Nothing! Now, go! Go! Go! Go find out when the art happened, baby.
We'll do this later, huh? Hey, you wanna play rough? You wanna play rough, huh? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I read in the TV Guide Scarface was on today.
I shoulda known.
I understand you're upset, baby.
Yes.
How am I supposed to feel? We agreed on this! He's banned from the house! Hey, maybe I should go.
You think? Okay, but understand this.
If I leave, I'm not comin' back.
I understand.
thank you.
Ohhh Leave the beers.
Ohhh Baby, come on.
Uhh Baby, wait.
Wait.
Come on! How's it goin'? Good.
I had a little talk with Courtney today.
Told her to leave you alone.
Yeah, well, she didn't.
What? Are you okay? I think so.
[exhales sharply.]
Ooh! Ohh! Aah! ** [suspenseful.]
** [magical, romantic.]
** [dramatic, romantic.]
Jimmy, youstud! Yeah.
Tomorrow, I'm gonna knock over her lunch and see what happens.
Ahh! Ha ha.
Get her.
Baby, we were just gonna watch one movie.
Then after it was done, he was gonna leave.
He would've been gone by the time you got home.
That's not the point.
The point is, I thought we were together on this.
We are! You let him in the house! Well, uh, actually, he let me in.
[sighs.]
But, baby, come on! Look.
Is he perfect.
No.
No, no, no.
Far from it.
But at some point, you're gonna have to forgive him.
Yes.
That's what deathbeds are for.
Hey, is Uncle Eddie here? No, he's gone.
Aw, man, I have something to tell him.
I wanna show him my bean! Henry, your Uncle Eddie's no longer allowed in our house.
He's not? Why? Yeah.
How come? Because he did something completely unforgivable.
What? It can't be worse than when he shot the porno film in the house.
My God! How did you know about that? UPS guy won't stop talkin' about it.
What does porno mean? It--It means bad, Henry, very bad.
Either way, he's worn out his welcome.
What, so he's never coming back? Not even on my birthday?! I'm afraid not, honey.
If he can't come over on my birthday, that's gonna be porno.
Yeah, man.
Christmas is gonna suck, too.
Wait.
What about when you two go out of town? I can't be expected to baby-sit the whole time.
[Jimmy.]
This sucks! Thanks a lot, Mom.
Yeah, good job, Mom.
Wait! How did I become the bad guy? You made Uncle Eddie leave.
Now I'm gonna have a porno birthday.
Wow.
[chuckles.]
Thanks for the backup, Sean.
You gotta understand somethin', okay? He--He--He's my brother.
I know that.
Think about it.
Baby, we are the only family he has.
That's true-- And you saw how much the kids missed him.
Right? Give them their uncle back, not for me, but for them.
I'm not the one! He's the one who-- I know.
[sighs.]
Fine.
Fine.
Whatever.
God, yes! I love you! Oh, come here.
Come here.
Mmm.
No.
Not on this couch! Never again.
Come on, baby.
He put a sheet on it.
[laughing.]
Hey, just go.
Go tell your brother the good news.
Me? What? Don't you think it would be better if you told him? Ohhhman! This is funnin' bullsheep! Eddie.
Claudia.
Look.
Uh, I've been thinking.
And in spite of everything, I've decided to let you back in the house.
Thanks but I don't think so.
What? Well, Claudia, a lot of things were said.
There's a lot of bad blood.
What? Wha--Wha--Wha-- What is it? What do you want from me? Well, an apology would be nice.
Are you out of your mind? Ohfine.
[laughing.]
Oh, my God! This is beautiful.
You shoot pornography in my house, and I'm supposed to apologize to you.
No.
You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do.
All right.
All right, fine.
I'm sorry.
Even though you're the biggest slimeball on the planet, I'm sorry! I accept.
You know, you're worse at apologies than I am.
Mm-hmm.
But I want you to know that I'm sorry, too.
Oh, come on, Eddie, you're never sorry about anything.
I am.
You're the mother of my niece and nephews.
You're the wife of my brother.
And I like you.
And it bums me out that I upset you all the time.
Well, you do.
I know.
I mean, you're constantly using up all my stamps.
Terrible habit.
And I hate that you use my electric toothbrush.
I got this itch on my back.
I can't reach it, so And then of course, this whole thing with well, you know.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I'll try not to let that happen again.
[chuckles.]
I'd appreciate that.
All right.
Here's your key.
Ohreally? Thank you.
You know Sean's a lucky guy.
AndI just hope I'm that lucky someday to have a girl like you.
That's really sweet.
Well, if I'm really lucky, she's she's gonna like the porn as much as you do.
Gimme back the key.
It's too late.
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA