Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s04e15 Episode Script

Look, it's falling down! Hurry! Sorry to crash the party, but Cassandra's coming with me.
Party's over.
Quickly! Quickly! Come with me! Hercules! Hurry! Oh, no, I'm blind! I swear from now on I'llsingin the shower instead.
I'll- Who is this, and why are you calling me at Rob.
Rob, it's me, Eric.
Oh, thank goodness you're not dead.
What was your first clue? Well, we heard you had an earthquake last night.
It was all over the news here.
Didn't you feel it? Eric, I'm a producer.
I don't feel anything.
Glad to hear it, 'cause, Rob, apart from the fact that it's still raining, I got some bad news.
What? This'd better be good.
Oh, Rob, I was just thinking about you.
No, my weekends wouldn't be complete without a little taste of Tapert.
What? Get me down! Get me down! Where'd he go? Shut up! Howdy.
Hey, boys.
You can't use traps in paintball.
Paintball ain't just a game, soldier.
It's a metaphor for life.
It's survival of the fittest.
Search and destroy.
Kill or be killed.
These are a few of my favorite things.
Able Baker Charlie Niner Niner.
Identify yourself, c'mon.
Liz.
You on a secure line? Uh-huh.
I'll be right there.
dd Viva Las Vegas dd dddd Snake eyes.
Better luck next time.
Mr.
Bond, your baccarat table is ready.
Mr.
Bond, your baccarat table is ready.
Where's lady luck when I need her? dddd Mr.
De Niro? Call for you, Mr.
Coyle.
Oh, there you are.
Say, I've forgotten my phone number.
Can I use yours? Drop dead, you geek! dd It cost me my very last dime dddd Vinny, I told you please don't call me here.
I'll have the money for you by next week.
I'm sorry.
I just can't get it together.
Oh, Liz, hi.
How are ya? The office? Now? Wait a minute.
I got a better idea.
Why don't you come over to my place? I got a new water bed.
We could play submarine.
Hello? For the last time, Jerry, nobody's bugging the office.
Thatis exactly what they want you to think.
You know who loses with these weekend meetings, people? Me.
But you called the meeting, Rob.
Don't change the subject.
All right, let's get started.
Wait a second.
Who's missing? Melissa, is this thing working? Hello.
Rob, how nice to hear from you.
Coffee? Tea? Prozac? Where the hell are Alex and Bob? I'll find out.
You know that's what I love about you, you're always- beha- Hello.
Rise and shine, losers.
Oh, Melissa, hello.
Everyone's waiting for you in the conference room.
Wha- They need our help? Okay, okay.
We'll be right there.
Bob, wake up! Wake up! Now's the time to show our stuff.
Hi, everybody.
Bob says "Hi" too.
When are you two losers gonna get your own apartment? Hey, this is our first job in Hollywood.
We want you all to know we're here for you 24 hours a day.
- Is that a good thing? - Well, you know, I was just telling Bob that- - Cut it out.
- Shut up, the both of you, and sit down.
Now, I have a fishing trip planned today.
The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can leave.
Now then, we got a problem, people, and it's not pretty.
Our bread and butter, the big cheese, the top banana has vamoosed.
Oh, for cryin' out loud, people, Kevin Sorbo has disappeared.
This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power- Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! What do you mean Kevin Sorbo's gone missing? No star, no show.
No show, no paycheck.
No paycheck, no kneecaps.
I got debts! Well, he was supposed to arrive in New Zealand this morning, but he didn't show.
I propose we send a recon team, Tapert.
Back in Korea, we had a saying: You never leave a man behind.
When were you in Korea? I was there for the Olympics, missy! It was hell.
Melissa, it's Rob.
I told you not to call me here.
Send Davey in here on the double.
You wanted me, boss? Davey, I'm gonna give you one last chance to prove you're not a moron.
Gee, thanks.
I don't care if you have to go around the world, young fella, I want you to find Sorbo and find him quick, you understand? Melissa, book him on the Concorde, but make sure he flies coach.
- Davey, don't screw this up.
- Count on me, boss.
I won't let you down.
He's a dope fiend.
I know it.
And what if he doesn't find him? Then I'm gonna be hobbling all the way to the unemployment office.
Not necessarily.
When the going gets tough, the tough get goin'.
Now, a good soldier always carries an extra pair of socks, a can opener, a cap of cyanide.
But a great soldier- That's right.
A great soldier never gives in, no matter what the odds.
Is he insane, or am I crazy? Which question would you like me to answer first? I suggest we base this story around another character.
Like who? Like Ares- God o' War.
Why, I remember the time Ares framed Hercules for murdering his wife.
The plan was so simple.
It verged on genius.
There he goes! Gotta hand it to you, Strife.
This has worked out better than I could ever have imagined.
It's been fun.
And when all else fails, the God of War is one lean, mean, fightin' machine.
Jerry, great idea.
All right, everybody.
Get to work.
I'm going fishing.
Hey, you are not actually going to listen to that psychopath, are you? - No offense.
- None taken.
All right, Liz, spit it out.
The fish are jumpin'.
Well, why not do a show about a woman we can all look up to? You know, a woman of the '90s.
A woman who takes matters into her own hands.
Oh, wake up, Liz.
We can't afford Margaret Thatcher.
No, I'm talking about Callisto.
When it comes to making Hercules suffer, well, Ares isn't even a close second to Callisto.
And remember that time she poisoned Herc's family? Surprise.
You've never witnessed the effects of Xanthalian venom before, have you? - It affects the mind.
- What do you want? Safe passage through the Labyrinths of the Gods to the Tree of Life.
One bite of the fruit cures any illness.
- And a whole one makes you immortal.
And when it comes to trading blows, Callisto does it with a smile.
Oh, you're gonna die on your birthday.
How convenient.
No! Blow it out and make a wish.
Hey, great idea, Liz.
All right, get to work everybody.
I'm goin' fishin'.
Oh, hey, wait.
Uh, excuse me.
What? What? Um, aren't Ares and Callisto both bad guys? Brilliant.
So? Okay, well, um, don't they need a good guy to fight with? I mean, without Hercules, they won't have anything to do.
Dumb blonde! Hey! You know, I - I hate to admit it, but they got a point.
You know, I am really getting tired of people telling me what I can't do.
Can someone please tell me what Icando? What now? Uh, Bob has to go to the bathroom.
Oh, all right, all right.
Take a break.
And we have confirmed there are, in fact, six people trapped inside the apartment building.
Rescue teams are on the scene- Hey, Melissa, there's something I've always wanted to ask you.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No.
Can I? Paul, I'm wasting my life in a dead-end job, while I watch the rest of the world pass me by.
Now why would I want to make things worse by dating you? I know you don't mean that, baby.
Hey, why don't you let me take you to Vegas? I can teach you how to play roulette.
Make it Russian roulette, you got yourself a deal.
Paul.
Get the hell away from Melissa.
Your shake.
Enjoy.
Ah, no thanks.
You can have it.
I've changed my mind.
Get Eric on the phone, will ya? And fix me something I can chew.
And now with my new army of lava people, Hercules will never screw with us again.
Cut! Cut! Come on! Cut it, everybody! Listen.
I know this ain't Shakespeare, Patrick, but "screw with us"? Come on.
Gimme a break, will ya? Now who's on the script? I'll take mine well done, Melissa.
It's sushi, Rob.
You eat it raw.
Hello.
Ah, Eric.
Any word on Kevin? No, no, nothing yet.
Why are you whispering? Well, I told the crew Kevin's running a little late.
If they find out he's missing, I could have a panic on my hands.
These people have families to support.
Families, schmamlies.
Come on, Eric.
Aren't we all one big family anyway? Well, look, just stall them as long as you can.
- Ah-choo! - Gesundheit.
You're welcome.
Eric, buddy, I don't want you to worry about a thing.
I got the greatest staff in the world working on this problem even as we speak.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
dddd dddd dddd dddd dddd dddd dddd Renaissance Pictures.
Oh! Oh, that's wonderful news! You tell him we're looking forward to seeing him soon.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
Oh, my God! The head of the studio's on his way over here now! The head of the studio's coming! Red alert! Red alert! Gloves! The head of the studio is on his way.
Apron! Estimated time of arrival - one minute, 57 seconds.
Jacket! Rose petals! - Right.
- One minute, 36 seconds.
- One minute, 35 seconds.
- Polish! Dust! Vacuum! Pictures erect! Sparkle! Shine! He's gonna fire us all.
I'm a dead man.
I'm a dead man! Bring him on, baby! Shut up, the both of you! Nobody's getting fired.
The studio doesn't know Kevin is missing, and it is going to stay that way.
Mr.
Hollinsfoffer, it's always a pleasure to have you here, sir.
Say, you're a pretty good liar.
Are you an executive? I'm Mr.
Tapert's assistant.
Come see me in my office Monday morning.
We need more people like you in management.
Oh, B.
S.
, how nice to see you again.
It hasn't been long enough.
What the hell is everybody doing here on a Sunday anyway, huh? Say, is it Sunday? We were so busy, we-we-we didn't even notice.
That's what I wanna hear! Like I always say, weekends are for Communists.
Look what happened to them.
By the way, what's with the rubber pants? Oh, well, they're the new rage, B.
S.
All the kids are wearing rubbers these days.
Isn't that right, Liz? Yeah, yeah.
And if they're not, well, they should be.
Make note to self: Buy 12 pair of rubber pants.
Hmm.
Thanks for the tip, Tap.
Anytime, B.
S.
Say hello to the wives.
Why am I here? Oh! During the earthquake, a chandelier fell down, hit me on the head.
It was then that I had a vision.
A new direction for the show.
Hercules: The Musical! Huh? LikeLa Cage Aux Folles only better, bigger, brighter.
Goes something like this.
You start with your basic damsel in distress.
Stop wasting your time.
You need a partner to enter the contest.
No one's crazy enough to dance with you.
But guess who comes along! I'll be your partner.
Where'd he come from? All we need now is a dance teacher.
The kind of gal who can teach him how to shake a tail feather.
dd Honey, if you try dd d dd I know you'll reach the sky d dd Just learn to spread your wings and fly dddd When it's time for them to strut their stuff, they set the dance floor on fire.
dddd [ Rumba dddd Get them off that dance floor now! Come on! Brilliant.
Real showstopper, B.
S.
You said it.
Yeah, they'll love it in Cleveland.
If they knew what they liked in Cleveland, they wouldn't live there.
Yeah, what is it? Rob, it's Davey.
I haven't been able to find Kevin yet, but, uh- Yeah, don't worry.
I'm on to a new lead on where he might be, you know.
Oh, Davey.
How nice to hear from you.
Thanks for calling.
- Enjoy the rest of your vacation.
- Uh-uh, but, uh- Say, what did he mean, "find Kevin"? Oh, not "find Kevin.
" "Find heaven.
" He's on a religious quest.
- Isn't that right, Liz? - You betcha.
Davey hasn't been the same since he saw George Burns's face on a tortilla.
It's no use.
He knows.
It's true! It's true! Kevin Sorbo's gone missing.
Oh, please, don't fire me! Please! I throw myself on the mercy of the studio.
You lied to me.
I never said Kevinwasn'tmissing.
Oh! You never said hewasmissing.
You're fired! You can't fire me.
I quit.
You can't quit.
I fired you! Oh, come on, guys.
We're all friends here.
I'm blind.
Mommy? You, you, you, you, you and you are all fired! Thanks, Paul.
Well, it was fun while it lasted.
MaybeSinbadis hiring.
Nice poker face, you sniveling coward.
Hey, wait a minute.
That's it - poker face.
We bluff.
What are you talkin' about? Our show may not have a star, but the audience doesn't need to know that.
Earth to Paul.
Once they turn on their TV set, they'll see - no Hercules.
Yeah, but what if that is the story.
You know, like, maybe Hercules is caught up in this- this big vortex.
Remember that vortex that led to a parallel world, where everything was backwards? Ares, this is, uh, a new look for you.
What did you expect? I am the God of Love.
It wouldn't kill you to let it all hang out.
Please, no.
It's not ladylike.
Aphrodite's shy.
Wow.
Nowthatis funny.
What is this? You promised me an execution.
I did, didn't I? And Hercules had to fight his evil twin, the Sovereign.
Run, lolaus! No! Well, why can't we stick Hercules in the vortex too? So, while Hercules is trapped in the vortex, all the other characters have to run around and help each other to- to protect the world from the Sovereign.
You idiot! Kevin Sorbo played the Sovereign.
Where do you think you're going? Hey, Hollinsfoffer just fired us, remember? Good point.
I'm goin' fishing.
- Nice working with ya.
- Right.
See ya.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Nobody's going anywhere.
Somebody has to handle this.
- You're all rehired.
- Whoo-hoo! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to call an emergency meeting with the board of directors.
And I expect this to be taken care of by the time I get back.
Hat! I'm outta here! Eric is on the line.
Yes, Eric, go ahead.
Did Kevin show up yet? I was gonna ask you the same thing.
I think the crew's getting suspicious.
They know something's up.
If they found out I lied to them, I'm dead! Dead! Just keep your pants on.
But for God's sake, don't zip 'em up too fast.
It's a killer.
Somebody's gotta lower that light.
I've got a little problem with one of the extras.
Okay, everybody, that's lunch! Gotta go! Well, fellas, I'm afraid we're gonna have to face the ugly truth.
It's time to find a new Hercules.
What's the matter, somebody's puppy die? Ooh, tall, dark and handsome.
I miss ya, Jer.
A hard man's good to find these days.
Well, I told you, Beth, relationships are for the weak.
A week, a day.
I'll take an hour.
Truth is, I only need a couple of minutes.
How is Captain Happy, hmm? - Have mercy.
- Look.
Can we just get started already? All right.
But don't get your hopes up.
It's not easy to find qualified applicants on such short notice.
Everyone, this is Johnny Pinko.
Say hi, cutie pie.
Shh.
Save it.
Johnny here's my gardener.
He trims my hedges twice a week.
You should see the size of his weed whacker.
Okay, studly? Sure, but I just got one question.
What's my motivation? Let me explain.
Hercules has just met up with his old flame, Nemesis.
And she's got quite a surprise for him.
And you saved his life.
And this would be Evander.
Yes, it would- Evander- our baby.
Shh! Our baby? But Nemesis has a secret, and she's too ashamed to admit the truth.
He's my son.
You don't wanna try me.
But it doesn't matter to Hercules, who promises he'll always look after Evander.
I'll be back to see you every chance I get.
And before you know it, I'll be teaching you how to wrestle.
And throw the discus.
You don't know it now, but one day you'll realize you're different.
And you'll wanna be like everyone else.
But you never will be.
You're special.
You're very special.
I will always be there for you.
Always.
Sock it to us, Pinko.
And make it good.
One moment, please.
Mm-mm-mm.
Evander, I'll be back to see you every chance I get.
Before you know it, I'll be teaching you how to wrestle, how to- how to throw the discus.
Huh? It won't be an easy life to live, but I'll be around to help.
You know? I will be there.
Whoo, yes! Oh, yes! Oh.
Pretty good, huh? Evander, I'll be back to see you every chance I get.
d dd Hey, Evander I'll be back to see you every chance I get ddd d dd Before you know it I'll be teaching you how to wrestle and throw the discus d dd Well, it won't be an easy life to live dddd Well, if we ever make a show calledRejects, we'll know where to look.
Beth, what are you doing to me? I've seen better actors in a puppet show.
What do you expect? You should have told me when you knew Sorbo was missing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's not my fault, okay? It's these damn writers.
I thought they'd have something for me by now.
C'mon, say that again.
Please.
You want a piece of me, tough guy? You'll have to go through Liz.
Ten bucks on Liz, first round.
Come on! Would you guys quit it? I mean, come on! Now, look.
We're all working on a hit show here.
And no matter what happens, nobody can take that away from us.
Except Kevin Sorbo.
Yeah.
We have Davey on line one, and Eric on line two.
Yeah.
Yeah, go ahead, Davey.
Kevin Sorbo's not in Spain, man! Davey, just slow down.
Take a breath.
I can't slow down.
My life depends on it, you know? You see? Now that's the kind of commitment I look for in my employees.
Now, if you folks had been working as hard as Davey here, I'd be fishing now.
Davey, remind me to give you a raise.
- Go ahead, Eric.
- Yeah, the crew found out! Eric, calm down.
I can't understand you.
I tried to pretend I was Kevin, but for some reason it didn't work.
Oh, the horror! Get off me! I made you people! Hey, you tell those idiots down there to behave, or they're all fired.
No! Oh, tell my wife I love her! Tell my son what a great man I was! We lost him.
We're next.
When the board finds out, they're gonna feed us to the mechanical shark in the amusement park.
Somebody's gotta stop this insanity! Liz! Too ugly.
Too blonde.
No.
No.
No.
No.
I brought smelling salts.
No, thanks, Melissa.
I'm trying to cut down.
Oh, hey, while you're here, take an inch or two off the top, will ya? - I'm getting a little shaggy.
- Oh, can I? Well, that would be the frosting on the cake of my day.
Officer, they said they were 18.
What happened? Aftershock.
You slipped and fell on my fist.
Oh.
All right now, people, we're back to square one.
How do we have a Hercules episode without Hercules? - Well, sir- - What about young Hercules? Go on.
Well, he was a teenager once, wasn't he? I mean, when did he first meet lolaus? And what was the first monster he killed? And how long has he been wearing those pants? Hercules has always been a do-gooder, but remember that lolaus was a thief.
Don't worry.
I'll take it.
Mine! Mine! Maybe they weren't always such good friends.
After all, boys will be boys.
And remember, balance is the key.
Ooh! Ooh! Looks like Hercules is a little off-key.
Balance is key! Maybe he was even a little too cocky for his own good.
Guess I beat Ares' security system.
That is a big snake.
It would be just like The Wonder Years, but with giant snakes.
We're saved! Melissa, you're a genius! Excuse me.
I'd hate to be a party pooper here, but we'd have to recast the entire show, and we haven't even found one decent actor today.
Well, Skipper's got a point too.
Oh, but it'll make a great spin-off.
Melissa, remind me to give you next Sunday off.
Coming through.
The board of directors are animals.
They want blood.
If we don't come up with something by 5:00, the show is canceled.
What? Hmm.
Oops.
What? Bernie, speak English.
Are you telling me he'd rather do a hemorrhoids commercial? Fine.
Fine.
Then I'm sure he'll enjoy sticking it where the sun don't shine! Don Knotts won't do it.
Well, keep at it, Beth.
I don't wanna see your face around here until you find me a new Hercules.
What are you gonna do? It's almost 5:00.
Actors.
I wish we could do away with them altogether.
Say, that gives me an idea.
What if we turned the show into a cartoon? Why, we could have a bunch of 'toons doing all the things that made this show the money-making machine that feeds us all.
I never quit! Bah! Now drop him! Cartoons.
It's perfect.
They're never late, they don't complain, and they won't ask for raises.
Hello! Am I the only one in this room getting oxygen? You still need Kevin's voice.
No Kevin, no cartoon.
Well, this is pointless.
We should surrender while we still got our dignity.
We're ruined! I gotta get outta town! Quick! Whoa! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Now, we have an idea.
Go on, tell 'em.
You're gonna love this.
This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one animal dared to challenge their power- Chimpules.
Pretty great, huh? - Let me get this straight.
- Yeah.
You guys sit there like vegetables for six months, and the first idea you come up with is Chimpules? Well, we were saving it for the right time.
How the did they get these jobs? - Liz hired them.
- I used to babysit for them in high school.
I didn't realize they'd turn out to be such idiots.
Okay, okay, look.
We didn't go to film school for nothing.
And we've been working on this idea, day and night.
And frankly, I think- No, Iknowyou guys are jealous of our talent.
And you know what? It's not fair.
It is not fair! Not fair! N- Ow! I've had it with you! Die! Die! Ow, my eye! Get your finger outta my eye! Excuse me.
The board of directors are on the line.
They'd like an answer.
Rob, I've been in this business 20 years.
And I think it's safe to say this is the worst staff in the entire history of television.
I'm gonna gouge your eyes out! Smoke detector.
Please evacuate building in an orderly fashion.
This is not a drill.
That's it.
Little Jerry ain't foolin' around no more.
Oh.
Melissa, get me a towel, will ya? My hair is melting.
Use my diploma, you dummy.
It's not doing me any good! Mr.
Hollinsfoffer, I hope this doesn't reflect negatively on my situation.
No! Like that, huh? Do ya? Ooh! Yeah, I like it! Hi.
Die! Die! Die! Goddamn! Is this a bad time? Oh! This is a great day, indeed.
You said it, Uncle.
Causing that earthquake was a stroke of genius.
I knew my brother couldn't put his show above innocent lives.
Mud slides, fires, earthquakes.
I'll bet he's had quite the busy day.
Oh! Nice.
And now with these mortals about to, uh, kill each other, the show's as good as canceled.
Yes, pretty soon my brother's "legendary journeys" will be but a distant memory, and I'll be able to watch Millenniumin peace.
I missCop Rock.
Oh, I'll sing something for you.
No.
I do not believe this! You can't have rescued everyone in the city by now.
It looks like you've underestimated me again, dear brother.
But then, what else is new? - You are pathetic.
- Pathetic.
Pretending to be a mortal- this-this Kevin Sorbo character? And you know what Dad thinks about actors.
Wait, wait, wait.
Since when did you start caring about what Zeus thinks? Besides, the, uh, world isn't ready for the truth.
This is not over, Hercules.
We'll meet again.
Hmm.
Have your people call my people.
We'll do lunch.
- Kevin Sorbo.
- Kevin! - Am I interrupting anything? - Oh, we're saved! Thank God! We've been so worried.
Kevin, I- You're- Oh, Kevin! Can you ever forgive us? We thought we could do the show without you.
- Boy, were we wrong, huh? - It's been a long day.
It's true.
There's only one Hercules.
You're telling me.
Uh, by the way, Kevin, where in the hell were you all day? Oh, I, uh, I got stuck in traffic.
Hmm.
Hey, after all, I'm only human.
Kevin, we wanna talk to you about- On the brighter side, after one of the most destructive earthquakes in recent memory, we're happy to report there have been zero casualties.
All thanks to a mystery man who performed miraculous rescues throughout the Southland.
If you're watching, whoever you are, the City of Angels owes you a debt of gratitude.
Thank you and good night.