Hey Arnold! (1996) s04e15 Episode Script
Veterans Day
1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
(DOOR OPENS)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
Now, the main thing is
whatever we do for
Veterans Day,
it's gotta be big.
We've got three
whole days.
All right. How about
we go bowling?
Bowling? Come on, Gerald,
how about golf?
Gold? Arnold,
we don't golf,
that's something you do
when you're an old man.
When you turn 30.
The question is,
what are we going to
do this weekend?
Don't worry,
we'll think of something.
I'll call you later.
Golf?
Well, now that we're all here,
seeing as how
it's Veterans Day weekend,
I think this is the perfect
time to finally tell you all
the story of how
I single-handedly won
the most important battle
in World War II.
There I was on
the battlefields of
Northern Europe
You know, Gramps,
I just remembered I left
my underwear
in the dryer.
I also left my underwear
in Ernie's dryer.
Hey, wait a minute,
where are you all going?
I'm late for
my sewing circle.
Hey, come back here, you,
I'm not finished, I
Oh, I'll never get
to tell my story.
Oh, well,
I'll have my dessert.
Hey, somebody
ate my pudding.
Oskar!
MARTIN: I guess you
and Arnold had the same
ideas as Gerald and me.
Well, Oskar stole my pudding
and I wanted dessert, so
Here we are.
I thought it would be nice
for just Gerald and me
to go out.
I get so busy with work
and everything else,
I don't get to spend
enough time with Gerald.
And they grow up so fast.
You probably feel
the same way about Arnold.
No, actually I spend
plenty of time
with Arnold.
Oh, that kid's
always around.
Everywhere I look,
there he is.
I can't get rid of him.
Sometimes I think
he'll never grow up.
You know how much
I could get for his room?
Look, I love the aquarium
just as much as the next kid,
but I'm not gonna spend
my whole weekend
looking at fish.
Killer clown,
three o'clock.
I see him.
All I wanted to do was
to tell my World War II
stories.
But before I could get
a word out, they're all
getting up
and running
from the table.
I'm telling you.
Nobody respects
Veterans Day anymore.
I know what you mean,
I served in Vietnam,
but nobody wants
to hear about it.
They hold that big
Veterans Day celebration
every year in the capital,
but around here,
you wouldn't know
it was anything
but a free day off work.
Hey, I always wanted
to go to that celebration.
It'd be good for Arnold too,
all these kids
care about today
is a three-day weekend.
They ought to be thinking
of the meaning of the holiday,
you know, the capital's
only a day's drive from here.
That's right, it is.
Hey, Phil, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Arnold, pack your things.
We're going to the capital
for the Veterans Day
celebration.
Huh?
You too, Gerald.
It's a road trip.
We're gonna spend
the whole weekend together.
Just us men,
hit me high, Martin.
Ah!
Phil, you all right?
Got you! (LAUGHS)
Well, at least,
now we know what
we're doing this weekend.
It might be fun.
You know, my dad
was in Vietnam.
He's probably got
some great war stories.
I bet he was a big hero.
I don't know why we
didn't think of this sooner.
I'll tell Gerald
all about my days
in Vietnam.
We'll take the Packard
and rendezvous at 0600 hours,
Private Johannsen.
Ooh, I'm so excited.
I finally get to tell my story
of how I won World War II
all by myself.
And nobody can run out
in the middle of it
because we'll be flying
down the highway
at 90 miles an hour.
Grandpa, the speed limit's 55.
I know. (CACKLES)
I'll tell all about the time
I wrestled Adolf Hitler
himself to the ground
and kicked his patoot.
Grandpa, can I just ask you
one favor?
I don't have any more
Milk Duds, Arnold.
(SIGHS) No, not that.
Can you just for once
tell the truth about
what happened
to you in the war?
Instead of one of your
crazy made-up stories.
Crazy made-up stories?
When have I ever told you
any crazy made-up stories?
Actually, you do it
all the time.
Well, okay, maybe
I stretched the truth
once or twice,
but this story
is completely true.
Every word of it.
Okay.
You wanna drive?
Grandpa.
Oh, all right, I'll drive.
But if I get tired,
you take over, okay?
You boys are gonna
love this,
we'll get to see
all the monuments
depicting famous battles
and there'll be a parade
and even fireworks.
You betcha, Martin.
And it's only 18 hours away.
18 hours?
Let's hit it.
(GRUNTS)
(CRASHES)
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
You didn't see nothing.
I wanna hear about
you, Dad.
Were you a war hero?
Well, the way I look
at it, son,
most everybody that
goes to war is a hero
in some way.
But you were
in Vietnam, right?
In battle.
Well, I was in Vietnam
serving my country.
Did you have a gun?
Did you ever
shoot anybody?
Well, the army
did issue me a rifle.
But being a veteran
is not about carrying
a weapon
or fighting in battles.
It's about service
to your country
and there are
a lot of ways
you can serve.
Hey, wait a minute,
what about my story?
Sorry, Phil,
would you like
to go first?
Well, my story
did happen
before yours,
because I'm an old man,
who knows how much time
I've got left.
I've got a feeling
you got plenty
of time left.
But you go right ahead.
There I was,
on the battlefields
of Northern Europe,
over 50 years ago,
in January 1945.
I was a young GI
with a strong back
and a head full of
brilliant dreams.
(SNORING) Yes, Hedy, oh yes.
Of course, I'll marry you.
Oh, yes, right after
I become a big war hero
and we'll get married
and I'll be Mr. Hedy Lamarr.
Those potatoes
ain't gonna peel themselves,
Private.
(STUTTERS) Yes, sir,
Peeling, sir.
I wasn't sleeping, no, sir,
just thinking about
kicking Hitler's butt,
yes, sir.
I was an assistant cook
in the first army.
All day long, I peeled
potatoes and washed
pots and pans,
but I knew one day
I'd get out of the kitchen
and get my chance
at an important mission.
And then I'd become
a real hero.
Hey, Phil.
GRANDPA: I'm busy.
Colonel wants
to see you.
The colonel?
(DEFECATING)
Oh, boy, it's my big mission.
(GRUNTS)
Medic!
GRANDPA: Even though
I was woozy from my fall
and loopy from the pills
the medic gave me,
I could still understand
nearly half the instructions
the Colonel gave me.
This was it, my big mission.
Seems I was handpicked
to deliver a truckload
of bad Cham
to an undisclosed
Truckload of what?
Cham. Bad Cham.
Cham, what's Cham?
Is that like Spam?
No, it's completely
different.
Spam is a delicious,
nutritious, ham-based product
enjoyed by millions of people
all over the world
for more than 50 years.
Cham, on the other hand,
is a combination of chicken
and ham by-products
randomly packed
in leaky tin containers
and briefly introduced
to the military for
experimental purposes.
(TRUCK HORN TOOTING)
in December of 1944.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
The point is, this Cham
turned out to be bad meat.
And I mean
really bad meat.
Gave you the runs
like there was
no tomorrow.
So, my job was to drive
this truckload of bad Cham
to a dumping ground
somewhere in northern France.
Of course, the exact location
was a closely-guarded
military secret.
The night was dark
and thick with fog
as I started on
my important
and dangerous journey.
I could barely see my nose
in front of my face.
But I was determined
to fulfill my mission.
Inch by inch, I drove on
braving the elements.
The hours passed,
by dawn, the fog
had cleared
and I decided
to pull over and make camp.
Sucking up the fear
that churned in my gut.
I wondered where was I?
How close was the enemy?
Would I ever see
my beloved regiment again?
SOLDIER: Hey, Phil.
Yeah.
You up for poker?
I can't, I'm on
a secret mission.
Oh, yeah, you're dumping
the bad Cham, right?
Right. Hey,
wait a minute.
How did you know?
The whole camp knows.
Well, don't tell
anybody else, okay?
It was at that moment,
I realized my situation
had become even more perilous.
If the whole regiment
knew I was on a secret mission
to deliver bad meat,
there was no telling
who else knew.
Maybe even the enemy,
on top of that, I was only
200 yards from camp
with a long way to go.
And on top of that,
my weenie was on fire.
(BLOWING)
Help, my weenie's on fire!
Medic!
I had to make up time
and do it fast.
So I put the pedal
to the metal,
knowing my mission
was more important
than any traffic laws
or hazard signs.
Late that night,
I got pretty tired and hungry.
Not to mention lonesome.
So I stopped at
a little French farmhouse
to rest,
but the farmer had
gone off to join
the French army
and there was no one left
at home except
his three beautiful daughters.
There was no room
in the farmhouse,
but they agreed
to let me spend
the night in the barn.
Just when I was about
to nod off,
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
there came a knock
on the barn door.
It was the oldest daughter,
Monique,
she was bathed in moonlight,
wearing a figure-flattering,
diaphanous peasant dress.
"Oh, Monsieur Phil,"
she said.
"the war, she has made me
so scared and lonely."
MARTIN: Uh, Phil,
uh, maybe you should
skip on down to
the next part of the story.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
maybe you're right.
I'll tell you
that part later.
Anyway, I woke up
the next morning feeling
like a million bucks
and ready to get back
on my secret mission.
(SOBBING)
I don't know how many
miles I drove,
how many turns I took
on all those zigzagging
backroads.
But I was determined
to accomplish my big mission.
Then it happened.
(TIRE BURSTS)
I don't know how long
it took me to change the tire,
but I worked as fast
as I could
And all the time I knew that
there was a possibility
the Nazis weren't more
than a few miles away.
Little did I know
(SOLDIER SPEAKING GERMAN)
I turned and saw the most
horrible sight anyone
could ever see.
There standing over me
with eyes glowing like
fiery coals,
was the Fuhrer himself.
Adolf Hitler.
Take that, Hitler.
Gonna beat you
red, white and blue.
Nein. (SPEAKING GERMAN)
(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYING)
ARNOLD: Grandpa.
You did not fight
Adolf Hitler,
you're making this all up.
(CACKLES)
Okay, you got me.
I made that part up,
pretty funny, huh?
(LAUGHING)
It was Goebbels.
All right, so it wasn't
Hitler himself,
but it was a whole blockade
of Nazi soldiers,
I stumbled into the midst of
the biggest, most ferocious
German Panzer-Brigade
in the whole war.
GERALD: What happened?
Did they take you prisoner?
Did they torture you?
I'll tell you the whole
terrifying story, but first
we gotta stop for gas.
But, Phil, we've got
half a tank.
I know we got half a tank
in the car, but I've got
a full tank in here
and if I don't get
some relief,
we're not gonna make it.
Ooh, ooh, oooh, ah.
Oh, the relief.
(URINATING)
Wait a minute,
this isn't the men's room.
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
I'm sorry, lady,
it was an honest mistake.
GERALD: Do you mean
you were captured by
the Nazis?
Miles behind enemy lines,
all by yourself?
All by my lonesome.
Surrounded by ferocious
Nazi soldiers.
They were lean,
they were mean,
but most of all,
they were hungry.
They'd just run out of rations
and when they opened
the back of my truck.
They got pretty excited.
I realized they were planning
to eat it.
I yelled out
No, don't eat it,
that's bad meat.
What did you say?
I said that's (LAUGHS)
That tickles.
(CHOKES) I said,
that's bad meat,
don't eat it.
Is it really bad meat?
Or is that what
you want us to think?
That's what I want you
to think, because it is,
it's bad meat.
It's very bad.
Hmm, since you are the enemy,
if the meat was bad,
you would want me to eat it.
So, therefore, logically
you would tell me the meat
was good,
isn't that right, American?
Not sure
it makes sense to me
But, you knew that
I would think that,
didn't you?
Oh, yes, I sure did,
you got me there.
You're smart, it's no
wonder they made you captain.
Major.
Major, yes, oh,
that's much better
than captain,
much better
because (STUTTERS) you're
a major, you can boss
captains around.
You can say,
"Hey, Captain,
go get me a newspaper."
"Hey, clean my boots,
Captain."
Silence. You think
you're smarter than me,
don't you?
Oh, no, sir,
I don't, I, uh
You American,
you think if you tell me
the meat is bad,
then I will think
you're telling me
the meat is bad,
because it is really good.
But I know you are
telling me the meat is bad,
because you know
I will think you are
telling me the meat is bad
because you think
I will think you are
telling me the meat is bad
because it is
really good,
isn't that right?
American?
Meat, bad,
thinks it's good.
Oh, this is hard.
When, in fact,
the meat is really good
after all.
Isn't that right?
GRANDPA: That's when
it hit me.
I realized if I let him think
he was smarter than me,
I could make him do
anything I wanted.
Oh, you're right,
it's true, the meat is good.
Why did I ever think
I could outsmart
a captain?
Major.
Major, right.
You Nazis
are so much
smarter than us.
We can't win the war,
I'm such a dumb,
stupid idiot.
That meat was supposed
to be for General Montgomery
and now you guys
are gonna eat it
and I'm gonna be
in big, big trouble.
You won't tell him,
will ya?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CACKLES)
(BURPS)
No, thanks,
I'm not hungry.
(LAUGHING)
Well, the next morning,
they were all sick as dogs.
(ALL GROANING)
That's right,
I captured the entire
panzer division.
Just me.
No, this is not
a joke.
American, (GASPS)
please help me.
Oof! I have
a bad ache in my tummy.
Hold on a sec.
Aw, you got
a tummy ache?
Ach.
Maybe this will help.
Now look here,
you tell the general
to get a couple of divisions
down here
on the double.
I busted a hole
in the enemy lines
six miles wide.
If you hurry,
you can walk straight
through to Berlin.
That night, the Allies
rolled right through
the gap
I created
in the German lines.
They marched on
to Berlin and won the war.
Because of me,
America achieved victory
and total domination
over the Germans.
(CAR HONKING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Ah, stupid Mercedes.
That's amazing.
So you just about
won the whole war
all by yourself?
(LAUGHS) Well, practically,
of course, other guys helped,
you know, General Patton
and some of the Canadians.
That's, uh,
quite a story, Phil.
Did you ever capture
a brigade of
enemy soldiers?
No, son, I didn't.
But you saw a lot
of action, right?
Oh, sure, I saw
plenty of action.
Did you ever
shoot anybody?
To tell you the truth,
I did.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
MARTIN: I was only 19
when I was drafted.
It was toward the end
of the war and a lot of
young men
didn't believe in the cause.
Some of them ducked out
and went to Canada
on principle.
I thought about that too.
I thought about it
a long time.
Mostly because
I wasn't too sure myself
about what
we were doing in Vietnam.
And partly because
I was scared like
everybody else who went.
But in the end,
I decided my country
asked me to go,
then right or wrong,
I had to oblige.
I had had two weeks
of basic training,
but I missed most of it
because I was out
with the flu.
They sent me on
with my regiment anyway.
Next thing I know,
I'm at rifle practice.
(GUNS FIRING)
And that's when
it happened.
None of us
saw it coming.
Least of all, me.
You got 45 seconds,
Private.
Let me see you
clean that rifle.
Yes, sir.
MAN: Christopher Columbus
on a cracked wheat cracker!
Who discharged
that weapon?
I shot my own colonel.
Now this isn't
the first time I've been
shot in the butt.
That's right, Private,
it's happened before.
But last time
I was shot in the butt,
it was at the hands
of the enemy.
Not one of my own
recruits!
Now what do you have
to say for yourself, soldier?
I was sick with the flu
during most of basic
training, sir.
"Sick with the flu."
You were sick with the flu?
What are you good at,
Private? What can you do
without screwing it up?
MARTIN: I was assigned to
the main office
of the army medical records
department.
As a file clerk.
GERALD: Wait a minute,
you were a file clerk?
That's right.
But I thought you said
you saw plenty of action
when you were in the war.
That's right, I did.
And it happened
when I least expected it.
First thing the next morning
with no warning at all.
227 files were dropped
on my desk.
And my job was
to get them all checked,
organized and filed away
by 1700 hours.
Not one of
those files was in order.
You've never seen
such a mess.
But that was just
at the beginning, right?
I mean, after that,
you got in some battles,
didn't you?
Well, no, Gerald,
actually I spent
my whole tour
in that office,
filing and stamping
and keeping things organized.
But, you mean,
you never saw any battles?
Not really,
I was too busy
with my duties.
Oh.
There was one time
I had to go north
to deliver some records
up near An Loc,
I passed by where
a battle
had occurred
some time before.
There really wasn't
anybody around except
this one kid
who'd been
separated from
his regiment.
I believe his name
was Miller.
He had a wound
of some kind,
I couldn't tell
how serious it was
but there wasn't
anybody else around,
so I thought
I better do what I could.
I didn't have
any bandages.
But of course, I had
my primary files with me.
I took out some papers,
applied some disinfectant,
made a bandage
Sure impressed 'em
with our war stories,
eh, Martin?
I hope so,
I really want Gerald
to understand
what it means
to serve your country.
That it's not about
being a big hero,
but doing your best.
Uh-huh.
Man,
my dad didn't do
anything in the war.
Sure he did.
Oh, yeah? What?
Well, he helped file
and organize all
those papers.
Ah, big deal.
He helped that soldier
with his wound.
GERALD: Arnold, he wrapped
a couple of file papers
around some soldier's leg.
I mean, anybody
could've done that.
The guy wasn't
even hurt that bad,
anyway.
The fact is,
my dad was just
a file clerk.
He didn't even learn
how to shoot a gun.
He didn't win
any battles
or save anybody.
I don't see how it made
any difference that he went
to Vietnam.
I always thought
he was a hero.
But he wasn't.
Your dad's still
a really good guy.
I know.
At least he told you
the truth about what happened.
He didn't make it
all up like Grandpa did.
(INAUDIBLE)
(INAUDIBLE)
ARNOLD: Grandpa,
why are we here?
I told you
I'm looking for the monument.
Eh, it's around here
somewhere.
Eureka! Oh, no,
that's not it.
Oh, oop,
bingo.
Grandpa.
That's you.
Of course, it is,
it's my monument.
It's just like
in your story.
"In honor of Private Steely
Phil. He single-handedly won
the Battle of the Bulge."
I can't believe it.
You thought I was
a big, fat liar,
didn't you, eh?
Thought I was telling you
some crazy, made-up story.
But here I am in bronze.
Private Steely Phil,
it says.
Big hero, and I don't see
a sculpture of you anywhere,
you
(LAUGHING)
Gerald.
Yeah, Dad?
I wanted to tell you
something.
I know how much
you wanted to believe
I was some kind of
big war hero.
But the truth is,
I wasn't.
I didn't carry a gun
and I didn't fight
in combat or anything
like that.
I just tried to give my best
when my country asked me to.
It's okay, Dad,
I know you did
your best.
You don't have to be a hero,
I'm proud of you.
Johanssen?
Private Johanssen?
Yeah.
I knew it was you,
it's Miller.
Private Miller.
Private Miller?
You remember?
Outside of An Loc?
Back in '72.
I remember.
I was sitting
in that rice paddy
for hours.
My platoon
had moved on.
I kept calling out
for a medic, for anybody,
but nobody came.
I didn't know how bad
I was hurt, I just knew
couldn't move.
After a while
when nobody came,
I figured that
was gonna be it.
But then you showed up,
out of the blue.
Private Martin Johanssen.
You had all those
file folders with you.
I wondered what anybody
was doing out in the middle
of a battlefield
with a bunch
of file folders.
You kept looking
at my leg and shaking
your head.
Then you took out
some papers and poured
something out on 'em
out of a bottle.
Then you pressed 'em
to my leg and taped it up
round me like
a bandage.
I must've passed out
because next thing
I knew,
I was in a hospital
in Saigon.
The doctors couldn't
figure out what I was
doing there.
They figured
I should've bled to death.
I tried to tell 'em,
but I guess I was still
pretty weak.
I kept trying to tell them,
it was Private Johanssen.
Private Johanssen.
I've waited over 20 years
to thank you.
I just did
what I could.
Is this your son?
MARTIN: Yes, my son,
Gerald.
Pleased to meet you,
Gerald.
Hello.
Did you know
your father's a real hero?
This is my wife Sharon
and my kids Bobby and Ellen.
This is the man
I told you about.
Martin Johanssen.
The man who saved my life.
It's an honor, sir.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
(DOOR OPENS)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
Now, the main thing is
whatever we do for
Veterans Day,
it's gotta be big.
We've got three
whole days.
All right. How about
we go bowling?
Bowling? Come on, Gerald,
how about golf?
Gold? Arnold,
we don't golf,
that's something you do
when you're an old man.
When you turn 30.
The question is,
what are we going to
do this weekend?
Don't worry,
we'll think of something.
I'll call you later.
Golf?
Well, now that we're all here,
seeing as how
it's Veterans Day weekend,
I think this is the perfect
time to finally tell you all
the story of how
I single-handedly won
the most important battle
in World War II.
There I was on
the battlefields of
Northern Europe
You know, Gramps,
I just remembered I left
my underwear
in the dryer.
I also left my underwear
in Ernie's dryer.
Hey, wait a minute,
where are you all going?
I'm late for
my sewing circle.
Hey, come back here, you,
I'm not finished, I
Oh, I'll never get
to tell my story.
Oh, well,
I'll have my dessert.
Hey, somebody
ate my pudding.
Oskar!
MARTIN: I guess you
and Arnold had the same
ideas as Gerald and me.
Well, Oskar stole my pudding
and I wanted dessert, so
Here we are.
I thought it would be nice
for just Gerald and me
to go out.
I get so busy with work
and everything else,
I don't get to spend
enough time with Gerald.
And they grow up so fast.
You probably feel
the same way about Arnold.
No, actually I spend
plenty of time
with Arnold.
Oh, that kid's
always around.
Everywhere I look,
there he is.
I can't get rid of him.
Sometimes I think
he'll never grow up.
You know how much
I could get for his room?
Look, I love the aquarium
just as much as the next kid,
but I'm not gonna spend
my whole weekend
looking at fish.
Killer clown,
three o'clock.
I see him.
All I wanted to do was
to tell my World War II
stories.
But before I could get
a word out, they're all
getting up
and running
from the table.
I'm telling you.
Nobody respects
Veterans Day anymore.
I know what you mean,
I served in Vietnam,
but nobody wants
to hear about it.
They hold that big
Veterans Day celebration
every year in the capital,
but around here,
you wouldn't know
it was anything
but a free day off work.
Hey, I always wanted
to go to that celebration.
It'd be good for Arnold too,
all these kids
care about today
is a three-day weekend.
They ought to be thinking
of the meaning of the holiday,
you know, the capital's
only a day's drive from here.
That's right, it is.
Hey, Phil, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Arnold, pack your things.
We're going to the capital
for the Veterans Day
celebration.
Huh?
You too, Gerald.
It's a road trip.
We're gonna spend
the whole weekend together.
Just us men,
hit me high, Martin.
Ah!
Phil, you all right?
Got you! (LAUGHS)
Well, at least,
now we know what
we're doing this weekend.
It might be fun.
You know, my dad
was in Vietnam.
He's probably got
some great war stories.
I bet he was a big hero.
I don't know why we
didn't think of this sooner.
I'll tell Gerald
all about my days
in Vietnam.
We'll take the Packard
and rendezvous at 0600 hours,
Private Johannsen.
Ooh, I'm so excited.
I finally get to tell my story
of how I won World War II
all by myself.
And nobody can run out
in the middle of it
because we'll be flying
down the highway
at 90 miles an hour.
Grandpa, the speed limit's 55.
I know. (CACKLES)
I'll tell all about the time
I wrestled Adolf Hitler
himself to the ground
and kicked his patoot.
Grandpa, can I just ask you
one favor?
I don't have any more
Milk Duds, Arnold.
(SIGHS) No, not that.
Can you just for once
tell the truth about
what happened
to you in the war?
Instead of one of your
crazy made-up stories.
Crazy made-up stories?
When have I ever told you
any crazy made-up stories?
Actually, you do it
all the time.
Well, okay, maybe
I stretched the truth
once or twice,
but this story
is completely true.
Every word of it.
Okay.
You wanna drive?
Grandpa.
Oh, all right, I'll drive.
But if I get tired,
you take over, okay?
You boys are gonna
love this,
we'll get to see
all the monuments
depicting famous battles
and there'll be a parade
and even fireworks.
You betcha, Martin.
And it's only 18 hours away.
18 hours?
Let's hit it.
(GRUNTS)
(CRASHES)
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
You didn't see nothing.
I wanna hear about
you, Dad.
Were you a war hero?
Well, the way I look
at it, son,
most everybody that
goes to war is a hero
in some way.
But you were
in Vietnam, right?
In battle.
Well, I was in Vietnam
serving my country.
Did you have a gun?
Did you ever
shoot anybody?
Well, the army
did issue me a rifle.
But being a veteran
is not about carrying
a weapon
or fighting in battles.
It's about service
to your country
and there are
a lot of ways
you can serve.
Hey, wait a minute,
what about my story?
Sorry, Phil,
would you like
to go first?
Well, my story
did happen
before yours,
because I'm an old man,
who knows how much time
I've got left.
I've got a feeling
you got plenty
of time left.
But you go right ahead.
There I was,
on the battlefields
of Northern Europe,
over 50 years ago,
in January 1945.
I was a young GI
with a strong back
and a head full of
brilliant dreams.
(SNORING) Yes, Hedy, oh yes.
Of course, I'll marry you.
Oh, yes, right after
I become a big war hero
and we'll get married
and I'll be Mr. Hedy Lamarr.
Those potatoes
ain't gonna peel themselves,
Private.
(STUTTERS) Yes, sir,
Peeling, sir.
I wasn't sleeping, no, sir,
just thinking about
kicking Hitler's butt,
yes, sir.
I was an assistant cook
in the first army.
All day long, I peeled
potatoes and washed
pots and pans,
but I knew one day
I'd get out of the kitchen
and get my chance
at an important mission.
And then I'd become
a real hero.
Hey, Phil.
GRANDPA: I'm busy.
Colonel wants
to see you.
The colonel?
(DEFECATING)
Oh, boy, it's my big mission.
(GRUNTS)
Medic!
GRANDPA: Even though
I was woozy from my fall
and loopy from the pills
the medic gave me,
I could still understand
nearly half the instructions
the Colonel gave me.
This was it, my big mission.
Seems I was handpicked
to deliver a truckload
of bad Cham
to an undisclosed
Truckload of what?
Cham. Bad Cham.
Cham, what's Cham?
Is that like Spam?
No, it's completely
different.
Spam is a delicious,
nutritious, ham-based product
enjoyed by millions of people
all over the world
for more than 50 years.
Cham, on the other hand,
is a combination of chicken
and ham by-products
randomly packed
in leaky tin containers
and briefly introduced
to the military for
experimental purposes.
(TRUCK HORN TOOTING)
in December of 1944.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
The point is, this Cham
turned out to be bad meat.
And I mean
really bad meat.
Gave you the runs
like there was
no tomorrow.
So, my job was to drive
this truckload of bad Cham
to a dumping ground
somewhere in northern France.
Of course, the exact location
was a closely-guarded
military secret.
The night was dark
and thick with fog
as I started on
my important
and dangerous journey.
I could barely see my nose
in front of my face.
But I was determined
to fulfill my mission.
Inch by inch, I drove on
braving the elements.
The hours passed,
by dawn, the fog
had cleared
and I decided
to pull over and make camp.
Sucking up the fear
that churned in my gut.
I wondered where was I?
How close was the enemy?
Would I ever see
my beloved regiment again?
SOLDIER: Hey, Phil.
Yeah.
You up for poker?
I can't, I'm on
a secret mission.
Oh, yeah, you're dumping
the bad Cham, right?
Right. Hey,
wait a minute.
How did you know?
The whole camp knows.
Well, don't tell
anybody else, okay?
It was at that moment,
I realized my situation
had become even more perilous.
If the whole regiment
knew I was on a secret mission
to deliver bad meat,
there was no telling
who else knew.
Maybe even the enemy,
on top of that, I was only
200 yards from camp
with a long way to go.
And on top of that,
my weenie was on fire.
(BLOWING)
Help, my weenie's on fire!
Medic!
I had to make up time
and do it fast.
So I put the pedal
to the metal,
knowing my mission
was more important
than any traffic laws
or hazard signs.
Late that night,
I got pretty tired and hungry.
Not to mention lonesome.
So I stopped at
a little French farmhouse
to rest,
but the farmer had
gone off to join
the French army
and there was no one left
at home except
his three beautiful daughters.
There was no room
in the farmhouse,
but they agreed
to let me spend
the night in the barn.
Just when I was about
to nod off,
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
there came a knock
on the barn door.
It was the oldest daughter,
Monique,
she was bathed in moonlight,
wearing a figure-flattering,
diaphanous peasant dress.
"Oh, Monsieur Phil,"
she said.
"the war, she has made me
so scared and lonely."
MARTIN: Uh, Phil,
uh, maybe you should
skip on down to
the next part of the story.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
maybe you're right.
I'll tell you
that part later.
Anyway, I woke up
the next morning feeling
like a million bucks
and ready to get back
on my secret mission.
(SOBBING)
I don't know how many
miles I drove,
how many turns I took
on all those zigzagging
backroads.
But I was determined
to accomplish my big mission.
Then it happened.
(TIRE BURSTS)
I don't know how long
it took me to change the tire,
but I worked as fast
as I could
And all the time I knew that
there was a possibility
the Nazis weren't more
than a few miles away.
Little did I know
(SOLDIER SPEAKING GERMAN)
I turned and saw the most
horrible sight anyone
could ever see.
There standing over me
with eyes glowing like
fiery coals,
was the Fuhrer himself.
Adolf Hitler.
Take that, Hitler.
Gonna beat you
red, white and blue.
Nein. (SPEAKING GERMAN)
(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYING)
ARNOLD: Grandpa.
You did not fight
Adolf Hitler,
you're making this all up.
(CACKLES)
Okay, you got me.
I made that part up,
pretty funny, huh?
(LAUGHING)
It was Goebbels.
All right, so it wasn't
Hitler himself,
but it was a whole blockade
of Nazi soldiers,
I stumbled into the midst of
the biggest, most ferocious
German Panzer-Brigade
in the whole war.
GERALD: What happened?
Did they take you prisoner?
Did they torture you?
I'll tell you the whole
terrifying story, but first
we gotta stop for gas.
But, Phil, we've got
half a tank.
I know we got half a tank
in the car, but I've got
a full tank in here
and if I don't get
some relief,
we're not gonna make it.
Ooh, ooh, oooh, ah.
Oh, the relief.
(URINATING)
Wait a minute,
this isn't the men's room.
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
I'm sorry, lady,
it was an honest mistake.
GERALD: Do you mean
you were captured by
the Nazis?
Miles behind enemy lines,
all by yourself?
All by my lonesome.
Surrounded by ferocious
Nazi soldiers.
They were lean,
they were mean,
but most of all,
they were hungry.
They'd just run out of rations
and when they opened
the back of my truck.
They got pretty excited.
I realized they were planning
to eat it.
I yelled out
No, don't eat it,
that's bad meat.
What did you say?
I said that's (LAUGHS)
That tickles.
(CHOKES) I said,
that's bad meat,
don't eat it.
Is it really bad meat?
Or is that what
you want us to think?
That's what I want you
to think, because it is,
it's bad meat.
It's very bad.
Hmm, since you are the enemy,
if the meat was bad,
you would want me to eat it.
So, therefore, logically
you would tell me the meat
was good,
isn't that right, American?
Not sure
it makes sense to me
But, you knew that
I would think that,
didn't you?
Oh, yes, I sure did,
you got me there.
You're smart, it's no
wonder they made you captain.
Major.
Major, yes, oh,
that's much better
than captain,
much better
because (STUTTERS) you're
a major, you can boss
captains around.
You can say,
"Hey, Captain,
go get me a newspaper."
"Hey, clean my boots,
Captain."
Silence. You think
you're smarter than me,
don't you?
Oh, no, sir,
I don't, I, uh
You American,
you think if you tell me
the meat is bad,
then I will think
you're telling me
the meat is bad,
because it is really good.
But I know you are
telling me the meat is bad,
because you know
I will think you are
telling me the meat is bad
because you think
I will think you are
telling me the meat is bad
because it is
really good,
isn't that right?
American?
Meat, bad,
thinks it's good.
Oh, this is hard.
When, in fact,
the meat is really good
after all.
Isn't that right?
GRANDPA: That's when
it hit me.
I realized if I let him think
he was smarter than me,
I could make him do
anything I wanted.
Oh, you're right,
it's true, the meat is good.
Why did I ever think
I could outsmart
a captain?
Major.
Major, right.
You Nazis
are so much
smarter than us.
We can't win the war,
I'm such a dumb,
stupid idiot.
That meat was supposed
to be for General Montgomery
and now you guys
are gonna eat it
and I'm gonna be
in big, big trouble.
You won't tell him,
will ya?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CACKLES)
(BURPS)
No, thanks,
I'm not hungry.
(LAUGHING)
Well, the next morning,
they were all sick as dogs.
(ALL GROANING)
That's right,
I captured the entire
panzer division.
Just me.
No, this is not
a joke.
American, (GASPS)
please help me.
Oof! I have
a bad ache in my tummy.
Hold on a sec.
Aw, you got
a tummy ache?
Ach.
Maybe this will help.
Now look here,
you tell the general
to get a couple of divisions
down here
on the double.
I busted a hole
in the enemy lines
six miles wide.
If you hurry,
you can walk straight
through to Berlin.
That night, the Allies
rolled right through
the gap
I created
in the German lines.
They marched on
to Berlin and won the war.
Because of me,
America achieved victory
and total domination
over the Germans.
(CAR HONKING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Ah, stupid Mercedes.
That's amazing.
So you just about
won the whole war
all by yourself?
(LAUGHS) Well, practically,
of course, other guys helped,
you know, General Patton
and some of the Canadians.
That's, uh,
quite a story, Phil.
Did you ever capture
a brigade of
enemy soldiers?
No, son, I didn't.
But you saw a lot
of action, right?
Oh, sure, I saw
plenty of action.
Did you ever
shoot anybody?
To tell you the truth,
I did.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
MARTIN: I was only 19
when I was drafted.
It was toward the end
of the war and a lot of
young men
didn't believe in the cause.
Some of them ducked out
and went to Canada
on principle.
I thought about that too.
I thought about it
a long time.
Mostly because
I wasn't too sure myself
about what
we were doing in Vietnam.
And partly because
I was scared like
everybody else who went.
But in the end,
I decided my country
asked me to go,
then right or wrong,
I had to oblige.
I had had two weeks
of basic training,
but I missed most of it
because I was out
with the flu.
They sent me on
with my regiment anyway.
Next thing I know,
I'm at rifle practice.
(GUNS FIRING)
And that's when
it happened.
None of us
saw it coming.
Least of all, me.
You got 45 seconds,
Private.
Let me see you
clean that rifle.
Yes, sir.
MAN: Christopher Columbus
on a cracked wheat cracker!
Who discharged
that weapon?
I shot my own colonel.
Now this isn't
the first time I've been
shot in the butt.
That's right, Private,
it's happened before.
But last time
I was shot in the butt,
it was at the hands
of the enemy.
Not one of my own
recruits!
Now what do you have
to say for yourself, soldier?
I was sick with the flu
during most of basic
training, sir.
"Sick with the flu."
You were sick with the flu?
What are you good at,
Private? What can you do
without screwing it up?
MARTIN: I was assigned to
the main office
of the army medical records
department.
As a file clerk.
GERALD: Wait a minute,
you were a file clerk?
That's right.
But I thought you said
you saw plenty of action
when you were in the war.
That's right, I did.
And it happened
when I least expected it.
First thing the next morning
with no warning at all.
227 files were dropped
on my desk.
And my job was
to get them all checked,
organized and filed away
by 1700 hours.
Not one of
those files was in order.
You've never seen
such a mess.
But that was just
at the beginning, right?
I mean, after that,
you got in some battles,
didn't you?
Well, no, Gerald,
actually I spent
my whole tour
in that office,
filing and stamping
and keeping things organized.
But, you mean,
you never saw any battles?
Not really,
I was too busy
with my duties.
Oh.
There was one time
I had to go north
to deliver some records
up near An Loc,
I passed by where
a battle
had occurred
some time before.
There really wasn't
anybody around except
this one kid
who'd been
separated from
his regiment.
I believe his name
was Miller.
He had a wound
of some kind,
I couldn't tell
how serious it was
but there wasn't
anybody else around,
so I thought
I better do what I could.
I didn't have
any bandages.
But of course, I had
my primary files with me.
I took out some papers,
applied some disinfectant,
made a bandage
Sure impressed 'em
with our war stories,
eh, Martin?
I hope so,
I really want Gerald
to understand
what it means
to serve your country.
That it's not about
being a big hero,
but doing your best.
Uh-huh.
Man,
my dad didn't do
anything in the war.
Sure he did.
Oh, yeah? What?
Well, he helped file
and organize all
those papers.
Ah, big deal.
He helped that soldier
with his wound.
GERALD: Arnold, he wrapped
a couple of file papers
around some soldier's leg.
I mean, anybody
could've done that.
The guy wasn't
even hurt that bad,
anyway.
The fact is,
my dad was just
a file clerk.
He didn't even learn
how to shoot a gun.
He didn't win
any battles
or save anybody.
I don't see how it made
any difference that he went
to Vietnam.
I always thought
he was a hero.
But he wasn't.
Your dad's still
a really good guy.
I know.
At least he told you
the truth about what happened.
He didn't make it
all up like Grandpa did.
(INAUDIBLE)
(INAUDIBLE)
ARNOLD: Grandpa,
why are we here?
I told you
I'm looking for the monument.
Eh, it's around here
somewhere.
Eureka! Oh, no,
that's not it.
Oh, oop,
bingo.
Grandpa.
That's you.
Of course, it is,
it's my monument.
It's just like
in your story.
"In honor of Private Steely
Phil. He single-handedly won
the Battle of the Bulge."
I can't believe it.
You thought I was
a big, fat liar,
didn't you, eh?
Thought I was telling you
some crazy, made-up story.
But here I am in bronze.
Private Steely Phil,
it says.
Big hero, and I don't see
a sculpture of you anywhere,
you
(LAUGHING)
Gerald.
Yeah, Dad?
I wanted to tell you
something.
I know how much
you wanted to believe
I was some kind of
big war hero.
But the truth is,
I wasn't.
I didn't carry a gun
and I didn't fight
in combat or anything
like that.
I just tried to give my best
when my country asked me to.
It's okay, Dad,
I know you did
your best.
You don't have to be a hero,
I'm proud of you.
Johanssen?
Private Johanssen?
Yeah.
I knew it was you,
it's Miller.
Private Miller.
Private Miller?
You remember?
Outside of An Loc?
Back in '72.
I remember.
I was sitting
in that rice paddy
for hours.
My platoon
had moved on.
I kept calling out
for a medic, for anybody,
but nobody came.
I didn't know how bad
I was hurt, I just knew
couldn't move.
After a while
when nobody came,
I figured that
was gonna be it.
But then you showed up,
out of the blue.
Private Martin Johanssen.
You had all those
file folders with you.
I wondered what anybody
was doing out in the middle
of a battlefield
with a bunch
of file folders.
You kept looking
at my leg and shaking
your head.
Then you took out
some papers and poured
something out on 'em
out of a bottle.
Then you pressed 'em
to my leg and taped it up
round me like
a bandage.
I must've passed out
because next thing
I knew,
I was in a hospital
in Saigon.
The doctors couldn't
figure out what I was
doing there.
They figured
I should've bled to death.
I tried to tell 'em,
but I guess I was still
pretty weak.
I kept trying to tell them,
it was Private Johanssen.
Private Johanssen.
I've waited over 20 years
to thank you.
I just did
what I could.
Is this your son?
MARTIN: Yes, my son,
Gerald.
Pleased to meet you,
Gerald.
Hello.
Did you know
your father's a real hero?
This is my wife Sharon
and my kids Bobby and Ellen.
This is the man
I told you about.
Martin Johanssen.
The man who saved my life.
It's an honor, sir.
(MUSIC PLAYING)