Kickin' It (2011) s04e15 Episode Script

(Chuckles) You really think you can intimidate me? I'm not afraid of you.
I'm about to be made sensei of this dojo.
So here's the deal.
No more unicorn stickers on the gym equipment.
I like you, Jack.
(Scoffs) Don't even play your mind games, Lilly.
I'm not gonna fall for it this time.
You have pretty eyes.
(Groans) Take your stickers.
(Jerry grunting) All you, all you.
Come on, push it, Jerry.
- Whoo! - Yeah! You did it.
(Sighs) Whoo! Getting pumped, yo.
Hey, you're the best spotter ever, Milton.
Yeah, 'cause I'm a good motivator? Uh, no.
It's because if I ever needed your help you wouldn't be able to do a thing and I would die.
Which is really good motivation if you think about it.
Guys, guys, I have big, big news.
You're gonna want to sit.
No, no, you're right, it's too exciting to sit.
A TV crew from black belt TV is coming here next week.
I love "dojo divas.
" A bunch of scene-stealing senseis throwing hissy fits you totally belong on that.
(Scoffs) I would never be on "dojo divas" After they rejected me.
But black belt TV is coming here to shoot "a day in the life of a dojo.
" Camera's are going to capture our every move, any questions? They're not going to follow us into the bathroom, Jerry.
Aww.
If they do, just remember the restroom code of conduct.
All: If you sprinkle when you tinkle be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.
Huh, I always forget that second part.
All: We know! Look, the most important thing with these documentaries is to just be yourself.
Hey, Rudy, what's under your jacket? Oh, these are my new fake abs.
You think those plastic abs are going to impress people? Uh, not by themselves.
That's why I went butt shopping.
What do you think? Should I go with Gladiator or buff bull fighter? Don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me And we could have a ball run up the wall - That's just how we do - Come on And no matter how much I chop and punch It's not as cool as kickin' it with you Here we go let's start the party Chop it up like it's karate Everybody Won't you come kick it with me And we could have a ball run up the wall - That's just how we do - Come on And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you! (Piano playing) If you join this academy I think you'll find that I am a Truly gifted sensei.
Now, normally I don't like to toot my own horn but every once in a while I do let a little toot slip out.
Hey, Rudy, when did you put up the suggestions box? (Scoffs) Definitely not this morning.
It's always been there because a truly gifted teacher learns just as much from his students as they do from him.
I love hearing what other people have to say.
Let's take a look.
(Chuckles) Okay, not gonna do that.
This is a horrible idea.
Okay, it is just physically impossible for me to do that with my head.
A great leader trusts his own instincts.
Oh, look who's here, it's Jack.
Hey, Rudy, you remember when you said I could take my sensei test when I was ready? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, I'm ready.
Wha-at? That is so great.
Oh, it is a proud day when your student rises to the same level you are.
(Sighs) Sensei Rudy with sensei Jack.
(Grunts) Just two big, ol' senseis.
(Chuckles) (Sighs) Not one ahead of the other but, um Equal.
(Chuckles) I'm sorry, we just don't have time for your test right now, Jack.
- What? - There is something much more important that I need you to do.
You want me to take over your advanced black belt class? Nope, I need you to take this And pick up the pizza that some jerk dropped behind the radiator.
- (Sighs) - (Door opens) I like to keep my pizza on the radiator so it stays warm.
It also works well with waffles.
(Piano playing) Gah! Jerry, you gelatined my locker.
What makes you think it was me? Milton and I have a very complicated relationship.
You see, I prank him and he takes it.
Actually, it's not that complicated.
Oh, hey, it's 2:30.
Watch this.
(Cell phone rings) Oh, no, that's mother's (Cell phone rings) If he doesn't pick up after two rings, she activates his "come home now" tracker device.
- (Squishing) - (Groans) - (Cell phone rings) - Hold on, mother, don't do it! - (Ringing continues) - (Grunts) Hello? Mother? Mother? Oh, good, she didn't do it.
- (Vibrating, beeping) - (Screams) Mother, hold on, I'm coming! (Screams) (Upbeat music playing) Hey, Rudy Rudy, hey! Where you have you been? I've been looking for you.
And you found me.
(Laughs) You are good.
- Well, see you.
- Wait, Rudy, uh I'm ready to take my test now.
Well (Scoffs) I I Can't think of a single reason not to give you your test.
I literally couldn't think of one reason.
So the test is happening.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I really want Jack to become A sensei, just like me.
(High-pitched) It's gonna be great! All right, Jack, let's start your sensei test That I, your sensei, have personally designed for you, the student.
Now, there's nothing to be nervous about.
I've always trained you to believe that anything is possible.
- What's the first test called? - The test of impossibility.
You must use a dragon spin kick to break all three cinder blocks in one kick.
Now, don't be intimidated by the fact that no one has ever oh, well, I hope you're happy, Jack.
Now I have to rename the test! Hey, Milton, got you a leftover piece of Lilly's birthday cake.
Oh, thank you, that was really nice.
Not falling for it.
Whoa, Milton, relax.
Look, I get it you're my friend it's not fair that I keep pranking you.
Well, thank you, Jerry.
I appreciate that.
I'm gonna go take a shower and relax.
Oh, yeah, you got it, Milton.
Enough is enough.
Enough is never enough.
I replaced Milton's shampoo with this.
Girly curl.
Instant curls for busy girls.
(Milton screaming) (Gasping) Jerry! That's it, your days of pranking me are numbered, Martinez.
Because I, Milton krupnik, am a man of pride and honor and I will not be laughed at (Laughing) Seriously? Are you laughing at me? (Applause) Rudy, that's it.
I've done everything you've asked.
I just did the salmon ladder, I sparred blindfolded against every student in the dojo.
I even went to your house and deloused your mangy, bald bulldog.
I don't have a dog.
I live with my mother.
Rudy, I deserve to be made sensei.
I completed the final test.
You're right, Jack.
You did complete the final test - Thank you.
- Of phase one.
- What? - The world's toughest sensei has to give the world's toughest sensei test.
He has no intention of making me a sensei.
This is classic Rudy.
The cameras are on and he's trying to show off his power, acting like a big man.
I just wish there was a way I could cut the big man down to size.
- (Clattering) - Oh! Grandmaster the teacher who taught me everything I know, who gave me all of my belts, and turned me into the amazing, talented sensei that I am today.
- (Chuckles) - What a most unexpected surprise.
Rudy, you called me and asked me to unexpected surprise! Why are there TV cameras here? Am I on "dojo divas"? No.
No, no, no.
It's a it's a TV show about life at our dojo and since you happened to randomly show up, you can tell everyone about my greatness.
Rudy, we should talk in private about how you earned your black belt.
Oh, no, no, I'm proud about that.
We can talk about that right here.
- Go ahead.
- All right.
Rudy, I'm a fraud.
You're not a black belt.
Don't you think we should talk about that in private? I won a black belt as a prize when I ate a four-pound wonton at the emperor's feast.
I started wearing the belt around, the chicks went wild.
One thing led to another, and I opened a dojo.
Do you have any idea what this means? It means you're a white belt.
And since Bobby wasabi gave me my belts It means that I'm the highest ranked member of this dojo.
(Inhales deeply) Looks like I'm in charge.
But I don't Want you to be Rudy, I'm gonna have to take your black belt.
No no-oo When I found out Rudy invited the grandmaster to make himself look good, it was the perfect opportunity to bring down the big man.
By going to the bigger man.
(Laughing maniacally) You may have stripped me of my black belt, but you will never strip me of my dignity.
Your stomach just fell off.
I really am the grandmaster.
But I wanted to get back at Rudy.
Why? Because once, on April fool's day, Rudy brought me great shame.
He tricked me with a whoopee cushion.
When I sat down, it went like this (flatulence) I didn't know you brought the whoopee cushion with you.
I didn't.
Oh.
- Oh! Oh! - (Laughs) Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! All right, good class.
Let's take a five.
No no no no no no.
I can't do this.
And I can't be a white belt.
Do you know who wears white belts? Losers.
Pathetic losers.
No, no, not you guys.
You guys are great.
Look, Jack, as the highest-ranking member of this dojo, you can give me back my black belt.
Rudy, of course I'm gonna help you get your black belt.
Eventually.
Uh, Rudy, I gotta make a couple quick phone calls.
- Can you do me a favor? - Sure, I can lead the class Lilly, take over.
Get back in line.
Try to keep up, white belt.
(Grunting) Whoo-hoo! Did you see that? Thanks to those special amino shakes you've been making me, I just lifted (Chuckles) Because it was nothing.
I've been replacing some of his weights with these styrofoam ones to make him think he's getting stronger.
Only an idiot would fall for that.
Oh, Milton, I had no idea you were so strong.
Huh.
Jerry, you just lifted more weight than last year's winner of the Mr.
Seaford weight-lifting contest.
If you signed up, you could totally win that thing.
Then I'm gonna dominate.
Gobble, gobble, Jerry.
It's pranks-giving at the Krupnick house and you're the (Gobbles) Oh, I'm known for my holiday bird calls.
Hey, you wanna hear my easter hen? (Gobbles) We have a student who's shown exemplary growth, and he's earned his rightful belt.
Rudy Gillespie, please step forward.
(Laughs) Out of my way, losers! (Clears throat) Thank you, sensei.
I'm so happy to have my black belt back.
Black belt? Oh, no, I'm sorry.
That's just the cover.
(Chuckles) That's better.
What? A yellow belt? You're giving me a yellow belt? You can't give him a yellow belt.
- Thank you, Lilly.
- He's not as good as me.
So this is what it feels like to be on top.
(Knocking, door opens) I'm looking for the man in charge.
Uh, you're looking at him.
What can I do for you? Name's David basso, I'm the assistant mall manager.
Assistant to the mall manager.
Well, yes, technically.
Anyway, my boss needs you to sign this new I-49 uh, your boss? Yes, the mall manager.
Her name is Emily.
She's actually my wife.
Ex-wife.
Also, your license to operate a business has expired.
You'll need to talk to Gary at city hall.
Uh, I don't know Gary.
Emily knows Gary.
Okay.
(Phone ringing) Uh, hello? Jack: Hi, Mrs.
Krupnick.
No, I don't know where Milton is.
Yes, thank you.
I already signed this one.
I'm the plumber.
Whoever's in charge owes me $300.
Wait, wait, wait.
$300? For what? The little girl called me after she flushed her bobo and the terlet started overflowing.
Uh, what's a bobo? He's my panda.
Ex-panda.
(Phone ringing) - You know, I can shut off the water - Yes, hello? I told you, Mrs.
Krupnick, I don't know where he is.
Please don't step on my desk.
(Banging) - Ow! - David: Be careful! (Phone ringing) Please stop calling! (Overlapping shouting) Hey, did you know our toilets are overflowing? Do you know your mother's been searching for you? Oh, no, she's looking for me? No, no! - (Beeping) - (Screams) (Whines) I want my bobo! - Coming, I'm coming, mother.
- I want to talk to your superior.
(Grunts) (Grunts) (Loud thud) (Cheering, applause) All right, Jerry, you're up.
(Jerry sighs) Ah, starting you at 295? You won't even break a sweat.
(Breathes deeply) (Grunts) Oh! (Groans) - Milton? - You have it! - You have it! - I don't have it.
I don't have it! - (Weights clatter) - (Crowd gasps) (Murmuring) Nope, he didn't have it.
I'm never pranking Milton again.
He's a sick man! (Gasps) Sick, sick I tell you! It's amazing what you can do with glue.
Yeah, do you know you can even glue a person's hand to a camera without them noticing? Oh, yeah, you heard me.
Who's laughing now? Goodbye, Lilly.
Goodbye, Earl.
And you I think I'm gonna miss you most of all, Ted.
His name's Steven.
Hey, wait, Rudy! (Kids chattering) I'm leaving, Jack.
You can't go.
I need your help.
I can't run this place.
I'm just a yellow belt, why would you need my help? Technically you're still a white belt.
Not helping, Lilly.
(Sighs) Look, Rudy.
I was upset because you wouldn't make me a sensei.
So I got the grandmaster to come and pretend to be a fraud.
But he's not, he's the real thing and so are you.
I knew it.
It's impossible to eat a four-pound wonton.
Rudy, what I did was wrong.
I know you have your reasons for not making me sensei.
And whatever they are I respect them.
I do have my reasons.
If I made Jack sensei, then he wouldn't need me anymore.
He'd, uh he'd try to fly out of the nest.
That's what baby birds do.
They think they can dig up their own worms.
Well, I wanna be the man to give Jack worms.
Am I afraid I'll lose Jack? Sure, I mean It's just that you know what, I'm sorry, there's something I need to do.
Sometimes you just have to be, uh Strong enough to let the people you care about Grow.
(Cheering, applause) Oh, I feel like I'm about to cry but then my makeup would run.
I mean, if I was wearing makeup, which I'm not.
(Cheering) I'm sorry, we have to cut.
(Groans) Rudy: Sorry about that.
Had to take a quick phone call.
(Groans, sighs) Okay, where were we? All right, guys, we had fun with the pranks but we're all done with them now.
(Chuckles) Except for one more.
(Loud screaming) Ru-udy! Look at my hair! I love it.
(Theme music playing) (Dog growls, barks)