Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007) s04e15 Episode Script

Remember, folks, Muslims are just people.
Foreign people who want to change our way of life.
Trust me, one day you'll reach for an ice cream and the only flavour they'll have is curry.
Not even sprinkles will save us.
Yeah.
Imagine that, huh? Turban ripple.
Camel nuts.
Fred has really outdone himself this time.
That didn't offend you? He's completely against Uh, rational thought? Common sense? Decaffeinated coffee? Yeah.
And you're not threatened by that? Blowhards like Fred, they take everything to the edge and then over it.
Oh, I get it, I get it.
So by comparison, he makes Muslims seem reasonable.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
- No, hang on.
We are reasonable.
- Hm? I can take it no longer! We must drive these dogs from our town! Ah, what "dogs" are you complaining about now? Skateboarders, jaywalkers, single moms? By dogs I mean dogs.
They are "Islamically" and literally unclean.
My shoes are ruined.
So Islam would ban man's best friend? Ban tsk, tsk, tsk, is a very harsh word.
Yes, I would ban them! Long-legged, panting rats with wagged-y tails.
Baber, there is no need to shout your views to the whole world.
Or is there a need? Yes, perhaps the world deserves Baber's insights.
Isn't the world hurting enough? Now, if only there was a way we could broadcast your soothing voice into people's homes.
Like Fred Tupper.
But no, that clearly can't be done.
You are a fool.
I know the perfect way.
I shall buy a megaphone! Right! Okay.
Yes, I suppose that's better than the radio.
You are a fool again.
The radio is much, much better! What a fool you are.
No, the radio.
You can't possibly Good point.
Yes.
They'd never let a Muslim on the air.
They would and they will! Radio, here I come! Thanks a lot.
Season 4 Episode 15 Radio Silence Why should I put the most radical Muslim in town on my show? - You'd look open-minded.
- That's death in talk radio! Come on.
There must be some way to change your mind.
Brain transplant.
Literally change Fred's mind? - I like it.
- Forget it, guys.
Fred thinks Islam is the epitome of evil.
Right, Fred? Well, actually I'd say that leap years were the epitome of evil.
February 29th? Nice try, Pope Gregory.
But Muslims are a close second.
Now, Fred, hear me out, okay? Every superhero needs a villain.
You calling me a villain? No, you're the superhero.
Baber would be the villain.
I don't want to be a villain.
- Though they often have better costumes.
- Hmm.
Triumph over evil could be seen as a positive.
Evil? Look at him.
Yeah, you're right.
He's terrifying.
Siddiqi, be at my studio at 11:00 tomorrow.
I will be there! I'm very punctual.
And it's official.
I'm supplying you concrete.
And I am supplying you money.
Hardly seems fair.
Concrete weighs so much more than money.
Oh, this is so great.
You are really helping me out of a tough spot.
We just started two new jobs.
I never expected to be this busy.
That's the curse of owning your own small business, huh? Actually having to do business.
Yeah, I'm just filling in for my husband while he's away.
However long that is.
So I just got shaken down by a temp.
Embarrassing, no? Nah, I'm kind of a temp, myself.
My brother started the business.
I'm just filling in until he gets back from vacation.
Ah, what a coincidence.
- When did he leave? - 1987.
He should have quite a tan by now.
Indeed he should.
Well, listen.
I've got some time before my next appointment.
Would you like to grab a coffee? Oh, thanks.
But my husband's going to be phoning me any minute.
Ah.
You know, one day they're going to invent a phone that you can carry with you.
A "mobile", if you will.
But I'm a dreamer.
All right, sure.
Let's go.
Reverend, the schedu Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had company.
Well, the Reverend has invited us to listen to Mr.
Siddiqi on the radio.
Oh! An AM radio listening party.
Do you do that often, Reverend? Well, I do love the crackle.
Besides, these ladies are very influential members of my church.
And I think they should know what's in the minds of our Muslim tenants.
One of our Muslim tenants.
Baber does not speak for all of us.
Sure.
Uh, oh, it's about to start.
Why don't you pull up a chair, Amaar.
There's no more chairs left.
Standing room only.
Good turnout for AM radio.
Welcome, folks, to the third hour of the Fred Tupper Hour brought to you by Mercy Siding: "If you've got woodpeckers in your wall, give us a call".
And my guest today is an actual Muslim.
Muslim, Muslim, Muslim One of this town's most radical elements, Muslim crackpot, Baber Siddiqi.
Thank you.
I am very pleased to be here.
Let's dive right in, shall we, Ali Booboo? Now, my listeners know that I favour a 50% cut to immigration.
I do not favour this.
Oh, of course you don't.
- Cut it 75%! - What? I suppose you like the riff-raff of the world taking our jobs? No, no Well, then which 50% are you keeping, the riff or the raff? Well, when you put it that way And you would have them sponging off our generous government programs? Those programs are for Canadians, pal.
Ah-ha! So you are in favour of government handouts! Fred Tupper is a liberal! No! I'm a conservative.
I am a conservative! You know what? You are all talk.
Well, th-that's the station format.
CFR Well, I have never heard Fred so flustered! I know, and Baber made some very good points.
Yeah.
I think we have the gist.
Oh, but I think the ladies are enjoying it.
Yes.
Yeah, but we should get back to work.
Well, part of our work is to be informed.
Oh, what a shame.
It's broken.
Oh, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: the Japanese know nothing about electronics.
Well, who knew Mr.
Siddiqi had such good ideas? You know, I have to say, I feel I know the Muslims better than ever! Mm-hmm.
I never realized we all had so much in common! I'm so glad you invited us to listen.
Ah me too.
I hate direct deposit too! Well, here's to paying by cheque.
Still no call.
What, is it noon already? Yeah, that sounds about right.
Do we pay at the counter? - No, I'll get it.
- Oh, thank you.
As long as you let me pay for the next one.
- Oh.
- Are you here every morning? Yes, isn't that pathetic? My kind of pathetic.
Well, thanks, Robert.
This was just the break I needed.
No, it's my pleasure.
Hm.
Bye! You laughed very loud with that man.
It interfered with my baking.
Oh, it did not.
How much do I owe you? Less than usual because you did not have your cinnamon bun.
Perhaps you did not want your date to know you eat pastries? My date? He's a concrete supplier.
That better be all he supplies.
Oh, Fatima, please.
It's just business.
That better be all of the business.
Oh! Yasir? Oh no, sorry Hamoudi Construction.
That better be all you're constructing! Oh, Reverend! Ah, what a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and plots to discredit the Muslims are backfiring.
Does this moment feel good, Amaar? Yes.
Yes, it does.
What can I say, Baber really held Where are you going? Fred, may I have a word? As long as it isn't about today's show.
I'm not putting that nut job back on the air.
Why not? Baber was great.
Really? You bet.
He was a natural.
He left Fred crying on his console.
I had something in my eye.
- Defeat? - I see.
So you're saying that Baber's good enough for his own show? - Am I? - Yeah.
I guess I am.
Man, I am one bright bulb.
I'd better snap him up before Mercy Public Access discovers him.
- Yes.
- Gentlemen.
Mark my words, Stan.
A Muslim show in this country is ratings poison! Nice work.
Now it's going to be all Baber all the time, thanks to you.
Yes, he can only rein in his inner Ayatollah for so long.
And then the members of my congregation who favour your little mosque will see it in a whole new light.
Does this moment feel good? Thought so.
And that's when I moved to Odena.
- Ah.
- Took over the business.
And, uh started to raise tigers.
Who are a lot harder to milk than you'd think.
Oh.
That's nice.
Sarah.
I don't raise tigers.
Oh well, don't give up.
It's your dream.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just I get it.
He still hasn't called, right? - No.
- I'm sure it's nothing.
You're right.
I am putting this down.
So, tell me about this tiger farm.
Who's Sarah talking to? He looks like a big slice of: thanks-a-lot-seconds-please.
What? Yum yum man-burger with a side of hunk-tato salad.
Why are you talking like that? Oh, I'm off carbs.
Really hungry.
But he and Sarah seem to be getting along great.
That's two days in a row that they have been coming here.
- Want to bet on three? - Mm.
Don't be ridiculous.
That's my Mom you're talking about.
Okay.
Hi, Mom! Hi, Rayyan! This is Robert, he's, um - Just leaving, actually.
- Oh.
Well, I'll get that jazz collection for you, Sarah.
And it was a pleasure to meet you.
- You as well.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Jazz.
That's new.
I'm broadening my horizons.
Good for you.
You should hear the gossips over there.
Ooh, I love gossip! Who are they gossiping about? You.
Yeah, they said just because you and Robert have been hanging out for two days in a row, it must mean "something" is going on.
See, this is why I hate gossip.
Oh, how dare they.
Well, I promise you, they'll have nothing more to talk about.
Welcome back to the inaugural sign on to "Siddiqi's Sound Off"! You want conservative? A-ask a Musli-i-im! Siddiqi Sound Off Has Fred Tupper suggested 50 lashes for littering? No, because Fred Tupper is soft on trash! Harsh, but fair.
Well, if you can't take the lash, don't drop the trash.
"Harsh but fair"? Can you believe people actually like this guy? I know! What's it going to take? Somebody's got to push this clown over the edge.
Indeed.
Come with me.
And our next call is from Oh, from Mercy.
Hello.
Yeah, hi there.
Hank Hankson here.
Long time listener.
I'd like to know where you stand on the issues that matter to me.
Like, uh, bingo and, um - Puppies.
- Uh, puppies.
Ha-ha, very simple.
Bingo is gambling, so those who play it are degenerates.
Oh, oh my! And puppies are unclean, they have no place in our society.
Oh wow, the phones lines are suddenly full! Hello, everyone.
Amaar! Why do Muslims hate puppies? And what's wrong with bingo? Uh-oh.
- Hi! - Hi, Mom.
How are ya? Fine.
Oh, so this morning, the gossips missed you at Fatima's.
Well Can you believe just because Dad's away, people would think that you would turn your back on 30 years of marriage.
Ugh.
Fatima You know, I wasn't there because I was here.
I-I just thought I should try the coffee here because they've added cinnamon to it.
Here.
You hate cinnamon.
Right, right.
But I just thought I should get over that.
Mmm.
Mmmm.
Cinnamon-y.
Hmm.
Oh.
I have a house call.
- Okay.
- I've got to go.
'Kay, bye, honey! Oh.
Have you tried this coffee? It's terrible.
What is that, cinnamon? Hm.
Yeah.
Is something wrong? There might be.
Hi, Yasir.
It's me, again.
Third time's the charm.
Or not.
I just really want to talk to you.
Really.
Things at work are getting complicated, so just call me.
It's Sarah.
Sarah, everything okay? Yep.
No.
Sure.
I see.
It's just Let's say you really love strawberry ice cream.
Yeah.
I don't really like strawberry.
Oh, but I do.
I really do.
I love it.
I've loved it for 30 years.
Okay.
And now somebody's taken strawberry off the menu.
And it's just gone.
And I don't know for how long, but all I know is I can't have it.
Ice cream.
Right? And for the first time, I'm noticing vanilla.
Oh.
I see.
Um okay.
Well, when it comes to something as serious as ice cream, I suggest you take time to remember what you loved about strawberry in the first place.
It might help until strawberry comes home.
Thanks, Amaar.
I'm sure it will.
Okay.
I just wish strawberry would call.
You're telling it like it is! You have made radio relevant again.
We broke the record yesterday for the number of calls.
- Ah! - Can I get an Allahu Akbar? Allahu Akbar! Can I get an Allahu Akbar? Not if the world was on fire and that was the only phrase that would put it out.
What an unlikely scenario.
Oh, look.
There's Fred Tupper! The man who used to have the most popular radio show in town.
I'm not listening to you.
You're the only one.
Fred.
Something wrong? Yeah, Blabber Si-Freaky over there thinks he's Allah's gift to radio.
For once, Fred, you and I have the same goal.
Baber gives people the wrong idea about Muslims.
It's bad for the mosque.
I'm not saying he doesn't have his good points.
I just want him out.
You know what? Follow me.
Soon, you will all live by the rules of Islam.
I have information that Muslims make babies at a much faster rate than Christians.
Islam will impose its laws on the West and those that oppose will have their tongues cut out! And your five-day weather forecast is coming right up! Stan, do you really think that Baber should be spewing his extremist crap on the radio? You'd prefer your own extremist crap? Of course! This is Muslim propaganda.
Our research shows that people who like Baber listen 25 minutes a day.
Most people hate him.
Yeah, and those people listen 45 minutes a day! The sponsors like the ratings.
They're happy, I'm happy.
Of course the sponsors.
We don't want to make them unhappy.
Wait a minute, whose side are you on, anyway? You have one new message.
Oh, finally, Yasir.
Sarah, it's Robert.
You weren't at our morning coffee.
Guess I understand but, uh, I will miss our talks.
Loved how you'd stir your coffee in three wide circles counter-clockwise.
And how you pretended to< know who Herbie Hancock was.
Anyway, take care.
Hey, and thanks for using concrete.
To erase this message, press seven, to re-play this message, press four.
Sarah, it's Robert.
You weren't at our morning coffee.
Guess I understand but, uh, I will miss our talks.
Loved how you'd stir your coffee in three wide circles counter-clockwise Did you hear what they said about the Muslims having more babies? Oh! Why didn't I have more kids? Because your husband had that "secret" vasectomy.
Well, at least I have a reason.
Your husband's shooting blanks.
Ladies, ladies, ladies! Now, I know Baber's rants have upset you.
Yes.
Yes, me too.
But now is the time for Anglicans to be strong, to stay vigilant to the radicals who have infiltrated our church.
And whatever you do, keep listening, hm? We'll listen like hawks.
Hm.
Hawks don't listen, they watch.
How much longer are you going to throw that ornithology degree in my face? Ladies.
- Oh.
- Oh.
No, I know, I know, you're upset about Baber's radio show.
I wish I could call somebody and give them a piece of my mind! Call who, the sponsors for instance? No, not the sp Wh you think the sponsors would be interested in what we have to say? Well, I have no idea, but yes.
Probably.
Ladies Hi, Robert.
Sarah.
I just thought I'd surprise you.
Well.
I'm surprised.
Well, mission accomplished.
Thank you.
I thought you were avoiding me.
No, I was kind of avoiding, avoiding you.
- Ah.
- That was, like, a joke.
- Yes, on several levels.
- Ha-ha! Ah, well, that's great.
I'm glad you're here.
I was afraid we wouldn't be having a coffee again together.
Oh, yeah.
Me too.
So, where are your workers? Uh, they're at the other site.
- Ah.
- Which means we're all alone.
I hope you don't have a problem with that.
No, of course not.
I didn't think so.
Sorry.
The wind pushed me right into you.
Yeah, that's the problem with meeting outside.
Look, Robert, I came here today because our friendship means a lot to me.
Okay, I thought we were a little past friendship, but I'm sorry, I can't do this.
It's not fair to Yasir.
It's not exactly fair to you and I, either.
I mean, don't you think we have something special? I don't know.
But I I do know that Yasir and I have something special.
We've created a life, we've raised a child I've got to go.
So, I guess that means Yeah, I'm going to be getting my concrete from Fat Boys Mud Mix.
Take care, Robert.
Yasir's a lucky man.
No, I'm the one who's lucky.
And that's the kind of bile your ad dollars are paying for.
Yeah, you're in the bile business, buddy.
Ah, ah, I'm in the vinyl siding business.
And I'm afraid there's nothing you can do.
I'll never pull my ads.
Keep this up and my house is going aluminium.
Yup.
Mine too.
I fold.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Hi, honey.
You want to share a coffee? Sure, but what happened to, uh, Robert? I thought that was your thing.
Oh, no.
We don't do coffee anymore.
Oh, why not? Did you tell him you had to break up with him? Mom! No.
Don't worry.
It was just coffee.
Oh, good.
Pretty much.
Mom! No, nothing happened.
Nothing's going to happen.
It was strictly decaf and it's over.
Well, a dark era is over, my friendlies.
"Siddiqi's Sound Off" will now have its sound off.
So long, Baber, wherever you are.
Well, Mercy, it's now safe to turn those radios back on again, huh? Unless, of course, you're in the bathtub.
I miss you too.
Morning coffee just doesn't seem right anymore.
I love you too.
Ugh, no, I understand.
The time difference makes it difficult and well, your mother must be running you ragged.
No, no, no.
Don't apologize.
If anything, I'm sorry.
I'm just so happy to hear your voice.
Let me hear it again tomorrow at the same time, okay? Okay.
Okay, honey.
I love you! Bye! - Hi! - How's Dad? Oh, he seems a bit homesick.
Aw.
Do you want to talk about it over coffee? Sure.
We could make it, like, a regular thing in the morning.
I would love that.
- Hey, do you like jazz? - Not really.
I just don't understand what happened.
You must be very disappointed about your radio show, Baber.
Infidels killed the radio star.
It's like my tongue has been cut out.
Why? They were afraid of the truth, that's why.
"Siddiqi Sound Off" was informing the world! Or a two-mile radius.
Baber, it was nice having a Muslim voice on the radio.
Even if it was a crazy Muslim voice.
Thank you, Fatima.
How could this happen? Amaar, my congregants wanted to thank you for giving them the idea to complain to Baber's sponsors.
Amaar did that? Is this true? Yes.
They can't believe how fast it got you off the air, and they wanted to thank Amaar.
Although I find suppression of free speech to be a little dangerous, myself, but to each his own.
There is a snake in the bed.
It's time to change the sheets.