M*A*S*H (MASH) s04e15 Episode Script

The camp's just crawling.
Who's insect officer? - I am, Colonel.
- He forgot to wear his wings today.
We're up to our butts in larvae.
The Empire State Building was sold yesterday for $20 million.
Does that price include King Kong? He wasn't a real ape-person, you know.
They used a model.
- Fay Wray's real.
- Luckily, she's only six inches tall.
- Good little actress.
- You sirs mind if I sit here? You're very democratic, Radar.
Hey, there's a fly in my coffee.
- Probably knows you're insect officer.
- Look at him.
- He's doing the Australian crawl.
- Go Yale! - Radar, is that tomato juice? - This red stuff, yes, sir.
I haven't seen tomato juice in donkey's years.
Reminds me of all the goodies back home.
- Kosher pickles.
- Apple pancakes.
- Escargot.
- What's that? - Snails.
- Oh, ick.
I would never eat a snail.
Nobody would.
That's why they started to call them escargot.
Would you like this juice, sir? My lips never touched the glass.
- No, I'll get some.
- Oh, please, sir.
Take mine.
- You're very kind, Radar.
- Well, it's nice being kind to you, sir.
You know, as captain, I have the power to marry you two.
Dee-lish.
Boy, that takes me back.
Last time I had tomato juice was when I was stationed at Camp Dix.
Mother and I had a house on the base.
It was peacetime.
All I did was take out the odd hot appendix and teach dirty words to our mynah bird.
- Rats! - What? - My fly sank.
- If he doesn't come up in ten seconds, I'm going in after him.
Ahhh.
Thank you, Radar.
That tomato juice was the oyster's ice skates.
- You're welcome, sir.
- If anybody needs me, I'll be sending a latrinogram.
- Did you read the news? - Years ago.
- Thank you.
Thanks again, Radar.
- Yes, sir.
- Shall we? - Radar, we'll be in post-op.
Bill this to my room.
I'm in the cesspool suite.
And tell the cook I'll get him if it takes a lifetime.
What do they want from me? I just serve this barf.
Hey, Klinger, do me a favor? [Speaking Lebanese.]
It's Lebanese.
It means, "If I fail my brother, may my camel lose his hump.
" - What do you want? - Colonel Potter flipped over that tomato juice.
- You wanna make sure he gets it every morning? - No chance.
The juice was a fluke.
We got a can by mistake.
It mostly goes to the brass in the rear.
Helps them from getting too depressed going to the P.
X.
All the time.
Maybe I could get the requisition officer to order some.
Our requisition officer? This spillage is wasteful, soldier.
- Yes, sir.
- You're losing half your applesauce.
- Apples don't grow on trees, you know.
- Oh, no, sir.
- What's your name, fella? - Maxwell, sir.
You're going on K.
P.
, Maxwell.
I am on K.
P.
, sir.
Well, the minute you come off, you're going on.
- Uh, excuse me, sirs.
- Did you bring any fresh flies with you, Radar? - Uh, no.
Listen, you both like Colonel Potter, right? - Very much.
I worship his saddle sores.
- Taking a survey? - Uh, no.
It's just that I like him too - and there's something I want to do for him.
- Very nice.
You do that, Radar.
Just remember, no good deed ever goes unpunished.
- Huh? - What do you have in mind, doing-something-for-him-wise? Well, I want to make sure that he gets tomato juice every morning except Major Burns is in charge of requisition, and I know he'll say no.
Major Burns is not very long on human kindness.
Major Burns wouldn't give a drowning man a glass of water.
- Should you give a drowning man - Major Burns has no heart.
I tried giving him a cardiograph, and it spelled out l-O-U.
- Well, would you guys please talk to him, sirs? - Done, Radar.
Boy, I bet if my little brother had lived, he'd have grown up to be you two.
That's a pretty neat trick.
- What's your hurry, Father? - Oh, I like to get in and get out fast.
- Give the next fellow a chance.
- Oh, take your time.
The nurses certainly do.
Just stand in here and soap their precious bodies all over from top to bottom.
Yes.
Well.
Oh! This cold water is a blessing.
Ah, everyone worth knowing is visiting the baths.
- All of Rome is here.
No offense, Father.
- Be out in a tick.
- Just don't leave it in there.
- Frank, how'd you like to do us a favor? - Take your favor and stick it in your jumper.
- Oh, dear.
Father, these two aren't entitled to any civility.
They stuff lard in my gun belt.
They keep writing nasty things on my shorts.
We like to send threatening underwear.
- Frank, this favor is for Colonel Potter.
- Oh, him.
- Our commanding officer, Frank.
- Your commanding officer, Skeezix not mine.
Last month he said my brain had a charley horse.
"Kick him in the shins," he said.
Give Frank a headache.
He's got no sensitivity for people's feelings.
He said it right in front of two enlisted creeps.
He was making a joke, Frank.
My brain is no joke.
- Hold still, Frank.
- Hmm? - Did you get it? - Get what? Potter's crazy about tomato juice.
We'd like you to requisition some.
Not on your Nelly.
It's too expensive.
Each month I've only got so much to spend.
Frank, stop trying to bring the war in under budget.
You're gonna win the Distinguished Stingy Cross.
I hope you can see your way clear, Frank.
I think the world of Colonel Potter.
He's a good Christian, yet hardly dull at all.
Well, Frank? - Is that a smile? - It's so hard to tell when a man has no lips.
You can have your tomato juice on one condition.
- [Hawkeye.]
What's that? - I need a pair of nylons.
A pair of nylons? - Varicose veins? - They're not for me.
- Of course not.
- And they're not for her either.
- What her is that, Frank? - They're for, uh one of the nurses who's performed well in the O.
R.
Why haven't I ever thought of taking one in there? - We get you the nylons, Potter gets the juice? - That's it, shorty.
Frank, how can we ever thank you? Now, come on.
Get out! Out! Get out of here you crazy Stop that! That is not funny at all! #When I hear that Serenade in Blue # - # I'm somewhere in another world alone with you ## - Hey, Klinger, you got a minute? Where would I get a minute? I'm up at dawn hauling patients in and out of the O.
R.
Then it's over to the hospital, where I know every bedpan by its first name.
Then it's sentry duty.
Over to the kitchen to peel a few hundred potatoes just for laughs.
When am I supposed to rinse out a few things, set my hair, iron a dress? - It's really rough on a guy.
- Who cares? Nobody cares.
You can bet MacArthur doesn't have to rinse out his own nylons.
- How much you want for those? - Forget it.
That's my lucky pair.
- Come on.
- I'm not kidding.
They belonged to my Uncle Bob.
- He wore 'em to get out of the navy in World War II.
- We need 'em for Colonel Potter.
- I need them for my freedom.
- We'll get you a little freedom.
- We will? - Two-day pass down in Seoul.
Two whole days.
That's a stocking a day.
You know, you're a very persuasive person.
You'd have made a terrific hood.
- I'm still young yet.
- Sir, first the pass.
- Are you in, sir? - Wouldn't surprise me at all, Radar.
Uh, sir, I got some stuff here for you to sign.
If you'll just sign it fast, it'll only hurt a minute.
I can't tell you how many times I've written my signature in the service.
Next camp I get, I put in my wife's name.
No need for glasses, sir.
This is just, uh, routine.
- Just need to replace some sutures and - Mm-hmm.
Some, uh, thermometers that got sat on.
- Mm-hmm.
- Nothing important.
What's this? Uh, which "this" is that, sir? Two-day pass for Corporal Klinger? Why? - Uh, "why?" - I asked first.
- Uh, well, he put in for one, sir.
- It's ridiculous.
He's gone AWOL four times this month.
He's forever digging, wriggling, flying, sidling, tunneling out of here.
A pass? He needs a pass to get into the place.
Uh, he's really pooped, sir.
He's worn out to a frazzle.
No, I just got an order from General Barker.
Seoul's crawling with V.
I.
P.
s.
It's election time back home.
There are a lot of congressmen here to check on how to improve conditions at cocktail parties.
Ah.
"All forward units are ordered to restrict recreational leaves indefinitely.
" Aw, poor Klinger.
- He's in bad shape? - I think he's ready to bite a tank, sir.
Okay.
Get me General Bradley Barker in Seoul.
Gee, sir, you sure know how to take care of your people.
I've got a soft spot for Klinger.
He looks a little like my son and he dresses a lot like my wife.
- I'll get you - Get me General Bradley Barker in Seoul, Radar.
Barker.
General Bradley Barker.
General Bradley Barker.
Bradley.
General Bradley Barker.
Bradley Barker.
Hi, Sparky? Uh, yeah, it's Radar.
Listen, Sparky, um, my boss wants General Bradley Barker at, uh, I Corps H.
Q.
Right.
I'll hold.
Hey, listen, uh, Sparky? Thanks a lot for that book you sent me, that, uh, Fanny Hill.
Oh, yeah.
It was great.
The only thing is by the time it got to me, the last chapter was torn out.
I don't know how it ended.
Who did it? Everybody? Hot "churokees.
" Oh, you got him? Okay.
Hold on.
It's General Barker, sir.
Uh, it's his aide, Major Mills.
Uh, the colonel's ready for the general, Major.
- The major's got the general, Colonel.
- Brad? Sherman Potter.
Fine.
Fine.
She's fine too.
How's your lovely bride? Woman's got such a crepey neck, every Thanksgiving she's in danger of being stuffed.
Listen, Brad, I've got a small favor to ask.
I'd like to send a corporal down to Seoul for a couple of days and I'd like your people to stay off his back.
He needs a little rest.
Bug house, you know.
Like you were in Heidelberg slipping into that S.
S.
Uniform every night.
This guy puts on ladies' dresses.
Hmm? No, he's not pretty.
Corporal Klinger's his name, and I'm very grateful, Brad.
Thank you.
What? Yes.
Major Houlihan? Margaret Houlihan? She's still here.
Yes.
When? For this weekend? Well, I'll ask her, Brad.
I certainly will ask her.
I'll let you know.
Right.
Bye, Brad.
General Barker wants Major Houlihan to be his guest for the weekend down in Seoul - and he wants me to arrange it, Radar.
- Yes, sir.
If it works out, maybe I'll get myself a few majors and go into business.
I'm delighted you asked especially for me, sir.
I'm always ready to assist you.
Leg wound.
Just a superficial laceration.
We won't be long.
Oh, I don't mind, Colonel.
I'm completely devoted to my work and consider it a privilege to sacrifice my free time without making any mention of it.
- Clamp.
- Clamp.
I really had something to ask you, Major, but I don't know if I will now.
Sponge.
- What is it, sir? - I talked to Seoul before and I'm really doing a slow burn about it.
- To whom were you talking, sir? - General Barker.
Brad Barker? - General Bradley Barker, sir? - Right.
- I served under him at Fort Ord.
- Suction.
What did the general want, sir? He had the gall to ask me to fix him up with you.
[Sighs.]
Fix him up with me? This weekend down in Seoul.
Some big social do.
- Really? - Said he'd send his car for you.
- Really? - A reception.
Lots of V.
I.
P.
S - wall-to-wall brass.
- Really? He didn't have the guts to ask you direct, so he goes through me, the C.
O.
And figures I'll come crawling on all fours.
I'll call him back and tell him to take his soiree and stuff it.
- Oh, no, sir.
Don't do that.
- Lap sponge.
- Don't trouble yourself.
- It'll be my pleasure.
No, Colonel, really, please.
I'm willing to go.
- Major, you don't have to.
- I know.
Nothing bores me more than a crowd of generals and correspondents from all over the world.
Diplomats just standing around, sipping champagne especially when I could be here helping you drain the puss out of a leg.
But who knows? My presence there might just help the 4077.
Won't mean a thing to us.
We don't need 'em.
I might be able to borrow some plasma beg some blankets, some instruments.
Don't beg 'em for anything.
Sutures.
I'll do it, sir.
I'll do it for the good of the outfit.
You're one hell of a gal.
Not at all.
I'll get some nurse to cover for me, run a quick comb through my hair.
You call Brad General what's-his-name.
Go over the top, soldier.
But why go into Seoul now? If you wait a couple of weeks, we can go together.
Because I have a chance to go this weekend.
I just don't know why you want to go alone and not with me.
Look, I can go alone and then with you.
It doesn't make any difference.
You're certainly anxious to get out of here.
Frank, do you think I want to go? It's hospital business.
I'm doing it for the 4077 th.
Doing what for the 4077 th? Getting supplies.
General Barker has suddenly called me to a meeting.
General Barker? Isn't he the one that once asked you to spank him? - I don't think so.
- You don't think so? Well, I know two General Barkers.
- And this one called you to a supply meeting tonight.
- That's right.
- A night meeting? - Don't ask me why.
- Will there be refreshments? - Probably.
- Why are you taking your pumps? - Why? How do I know? There might be dancing.
A dancing meeting? Why not, Frank? I mean, we're not machines.
A night dancing meeting to discuss supplies? I'm warning you, Margaret, this is the last time you use my heart as a bath mat.
I'm groveling to you to let me keep my self-respect.
Don't go, Margaret.
Oh, Frank.
Stop sniveling.
You have seen my last snivel.
- Let's hope so.
- Are you trying to scare me, lady? - I don't have to scare you, Frank.
- And I don't need this.
- I'm a happily married man, you know.
- Frank! Oh, Frank.
- Major Burns, sir.
- Out of my way, or I'll grind you into the ground.
- I've got something to show you.
- Out, or I'll have your guts for garters.
- But this is something you wanted.
- You know what I want? I want you to go away.
I want Korea to go away.
I want to wake up tomorrow morning in my own bed with my wife sleeping on her side, with her schnauzer between us.
We'd all like that, sir.
- But, Major, in the meantime I got you your stockings.
- My stockings? Your nylons, sir.
Don't you remember? You said if you got 'em, you'd order the tomato juice for Colonel Potter.
If your precious colonel, who is such a doddering old fool he practically has to be glued to the latrine so he doesn't fall off has to have his precious juice stick two tomatoes in his mouth, take him down to the motor pool and press his head in a vise! [Fly Buzzing.]
- What makes him so rotten? - In Frank's case, it's a gift.
He has raised selfishness and pettiness to an art.
- Aaah! - Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
- Sure.
Sure.
- He made a deal, though.
- I mean, that's not fair.
- Radar, what's "fair"? - Being 20,000 miles from home? - Up Korea without a paddle? - I'm so lonely I could kiss a gopher.
- I think I just did.
- [Spits.]
- What does Major Burns see in Major Houlihan anyway? - Mainly she's here.
- While Mrs.
Burns is back in Indiana teaching Frigid One and Two.
- I wish you guys talked English.
- [Yells.]
[Groans.]
They're all they've got, Radar.
Two kind of beat-up people, who, when they get together, barely have one heart between them.
What young Radar needs is for old Margaret to remain here in camp which would allow middle-aged Frank to give her the nylons which, in turn, would result in Colonel Potter's getting the tomato juice.
- Which will never happen.
- Careful, Radar you are throwing down the gauntlet of challenge before Hawkeye Pierce a man raised on the legend of Prince Valiant.
You have an actual idea, Prince? No, but I'm not letting Radar down.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
- He's been like a son to me ever since I found him hungry and cold, half-buried in a box of kitty litter.
He didn't really.
[Fly Buzzing.]
- [Bangs.]
- What the hell is that? - [Knocking On Door.]
- Coming, driver.
One moment.
- What do you want? - Uh - What is this? - Flowers, ma'am.
I can see they're flowers, Corporal.
I've been to the country.
Well, whoever give 'em to me says, "Give these to Major Houlihan the most marvelous person in the whole camp.
" - Anemones.
- Yeah, but he wants to be friends now.
Put them in some water for me, will you, Corporal? - Yes, I will, ma'am.
- Hasn't a staff car arrived for me yet? - A staff car, ma'am? - Yes.
A general's car.
It's picking me up.
A general's car.
- A car with stars.
- A stars car.
No, it hasn't arrived yet, ma'am.
Aren't you gonna read the note? - What? - There's a note with words on it.
Oh.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh, my heavens, yes.
- I was told to wait for an answer, ma'am.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Uh, take this to, uh, the flower person right away, Corporal.
- Good news, ma'am? - Good news? Yes.
Hurry.
Go on.
Go.
Get him.
## [Humming: "The Wedding March".]
##[Slow Jazz On Radio.]
So don't waste any compassion on me, soldier.
If you say so, sir.
Devotion, trust, faithfulness.
These are all wonderful qualities.
Only, be careful on whom you bestow them to because of the old double cross.
- You understand? - I'm doing my best, sir.
Well, take me.
Always leading with my heart - wading in with my mitts down - And getting hit in the choppers.
- Let me finish my sentence, okay, soldier? - Sorry, sir.
And always getting hit below the belt.
That's worse than the choppers.
- Uh, Major Burns, sir.
- What is it, Corporal? Can't I enjoy a little misery in peace? I'm sorry, sir.
I thought you might be interested in knowing I just crossed the compound - I have no interested in the compound.
- He has no compound interest.
- It's just Major Houlihan told me to give you this note.
- Give me that! Oh, this is wonderful.
- Wonderful! - Good news, sir? - "Good news"? - While everything is so wonderful and good, sir - would you please sign this requisition? - Of course.
Of course.
Don't sell romance short, fella.
Have faith.
The drinks are on me, everybody! He's crazier than I am.
He's a major.
- [Knocking On Door.]
- [Frank.]
Margaret.
[Sighs.]
Come in.
- Frank, darling.
- My precious girl.
You didn't have to do it again.
- Again? - Wildflowers from my favorite wild fella.
Oh, Frank.
I'm so proud of you.
So proud of your courage.
Well, courage is just something you can't be afraid to have.
You have a golden tongue.
Margaret, I'm so grateful to you.
- "Grateful"? - For not leaving me tonight.
For not leaving you forever.
Of course.
Forever.
All the way to the end of that.
All the way.
Like in the note it said.
"Yours tonight and always.
Margaret.
" "Let me come to you on my knees to propose.
Frank.
" Frank who? Oh, "Frank who?" Frank you.
- Margaret, dear.
- Yes, darling? Well, no kidding.
Who else do you know named Frank? [Chuckles.]
- [Horn Honks.]
- I'm here for General Barker.
- All right.
- Where can I find a Major Houlihan? You sit tight.
We deliver.
[Knocking On Door.]
- Have a good time, Major.
- We'll look after the nurses for you.
Here you are, Major.
Why do I feel like we're the ugly sisters? - It can't be.
- What's that, Sergeant? She looks like she needs a shave.
She's been on duty all day.
[Engine Starts.]
It says here the population back home is up above 150 million.
Where are they gonna put all of'em? - America may have to open a branch country.
- What do you think Korea is? - Morning, sir.
- Morning, Radar.
- Here you go, sir.
- No thanks, Radar.
The country just can't handle that many.
- Sir? - Having babies is fun but babies grow up into people.
- Sir, that's tomato juice.
- I know it's tomato juice.
Anybody want it? - Don't you want it? - Don't you love it? I do, but it doesn't love me.
I forgot I was allergic to it.
Last glass you gave me, I woke up in the middle of the night with my nose stuffed to the rafters Iooking like I was wearing someone else's face.
I can't touch the stuff.
And it's got a fly in it.
That was a generous and thoughtful gesture, Radar.
- I appreciate it.
- But it was all for nothing, sir.
Kindness is never for nothing, son.
- Only the next time you want to give me a surprise, - I'll tell you what it is.
- Tell me what it is first.
- [Door Opens.]
- Colonel Potter.
- Yes.
General Barker sends his compliments, sir.
- He thanks you for Corporal Klinger's company.
- Thank you, Sergeant.
Great guy, the general.
We had a million laughs.
- General Barker? - Yes, sir.
- He saved from a senator who couldn't keep his hands off me.
- Really? It's like I always say, "The bigger they are, the nicer they are.
"