Raising Hope s04e15 Episode Script

Maybe my best dessert ever.
I call it Mount St.
Millens.
See, the chocolate a the strawberry sauce is supposed to be the lava after the big explosion.
I'm pretty sure people died on Mount St.
Helens.
Duh.
What do you think the screaming gummy bears are for? This is a lot of work, Mom.
You should have saved some of this for your anniversary.
Oh, yeah.
Are you guys gonna do anything big? Nah, we're just going to do what we always do-- give each other homemade coupons.
Ooh.
That's it? But you could do that any year.
Come on, this is your twenty-fifth.
Yeah, don't you want to do something special? You know we're not flashy people.
Okay, everybody stand back.
It's time for the humungous dessert explosion! Oh.
Huh.
Must have put the firecracker too close to the gooey lava center.
Well, in that case, let's dig in.
How is it, Jimmy? Good.
Thanks for asking.
Whoo! Here we go So, what are we talking about here? Six to one? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm Mm-hmm! Well, I wish I was looking at better odds here.
Hey.
Who are you talking to? Wrong number.
Plus, I was ordering a pizza for next week.
You ready for bed? Me, too.
Yawn! Jimmy, we got a problem.
Your father's gambling again.
What? He was hiding in the hot tub, and I heard him talking on the phone about odds, and when I asked him about it, he over-explained.
He gave me the double excuse.
That doesn't mean he's gambling.
You want to bet? Every time he's ever given me the double excuse, it was to cover up his gambling.
Oh, come on, just stay within three points.
Just stay within three points! Burt, are you betting on sports again? No.
The remote just fell under the coach.
And I'm trying out Islam.
No, not for me.
Too tough on the knees.
Burt, are you playing poker? No.
This is a friendly game of Crazy Eights.
And we're a book club.
Mixed Whiskey and Toy Run, Silver Charm! Run! What are you doing? Nothing.
Why do you have a racing form? I took this from a kid on the playground to stop him from gambling.
And I thought it was a Chinese food menu.
Uh, moo goo gai pain, por favor? Hey.
Well, if he's gambling again, we got to confront him.
No.
He's just gonna deny it twice.
We got to find someone really smart to catch him in the act.
I could set a trap for him at Howdy's.
Yeah, that's probably better.
We don't have time to find someone really smart.
Price check on "He just walked in.
" It's a new romance novel.
It's about a guy who just walked in.
Hey, Burt.
Uh, my lottery guy accidentally gave me some extra scratchers.
What do you say I loan you a nickel, and we rub off some dreams? Oh, no, I gave up scratching the silver squares, Barney.
Come on.
I'll do it for you.
Oh, 25 bucks! Ah, keep the streak going, baby! Lady Luck's your bitch right now! Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not call her any names.
I might be facing some long odds, and I kind of need Lady Luck on my side right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just so keyed up about your success.
Maybe we should, uh, go to my office and calm me down.
Uh Well, what do we have here? Who wants to play a little B-I G-O? B-I G-O.
Oh, guys, I'm too tired to Aah.
I understand where you're coming from.
I respect that.
I 21.
Standard rules, boys.
No blackouts.
Got to pay to play.
I really don't want to play.
Hey, be cool.
Be chill.
B five.
Hey, I got that one! I knew it.
You're gambling again! What the hell? What are you talking about? They dragged me in here for a game of bingo.
It's a gateway game.
Admit it.
You have a problem.
Fine.
I admit it.
I do have a problem.
I have a lump on my testicle.
Oh Oh-ho O, 72.
Why didn't you call the doctor right away? I did call Dr.
Tim's radio show.
Dr.
Tim is a love and relationship doctor.
Well, I don't know about you, but I have a very loving relationship with my testicles.
But your mother found me before Dr.
Tim could tell me what to do.
I'm sure it's nothing.
I found a lump once.
Turned out to be no big deal.
Do you remember what it felt like? I'll never forget.
What do I need a doctor for? I got Barney.
You're an expert.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Burt, I'm not a doctor.
It doesn't matter.
You remember what yours felt like.
If mine feels the same, I know I got nothing to worry about.
I'm not qualified and you're definitely not Jewish.
You're a grocer whose hands are trained to handle ripe fruit.
Come on, Barney.
I'm desperate.
Okay.
Um let me find some plastic gloves.
You used gloves when you felt yours? No, I did not.
Well, then you shouldn't use 'em with Burt.
It should be the same feeling.
Thank you for that, Frank.
Okay, um, uh, which one is it? Uh, Starsky.
And which one's Starsky? Obviously, one on the driver's side.
For accuracy's sake, you're probably gonna want to be in the same position you were in when you felt your lump.
Why are you two here? Because if we weren't, you two would be doing this totally wrong.
I think they're right, Barney.
Okay, um, let's Oh, this is definitely bigger than mine.
No, don't-don't worry about that.
I am taller than you No, the lump is slightly larger than mine and rounder.
Mine was oblong.
Yeah.
Now, texture-wise Oh! Ooh, don't press it like that! You might dislodge it.
Then we'll never find it in my body.
Burt, I don't think that's the way the body works.
What do you know? You're just a grocer.
Well, I wish you would have had that attitude before you asked me to fondle your giblets.
Dad, you're going to the doctor.
Fine.
I hate those guys, but it's the right thing to do.
Just don't tell your mother about any of this.
I don't want to ruin our anniversary.
While you're doing this, Barney, you ever get any hemorrhoids? When you said homemade coupons, I didn't expect them to be so elaborate and beautiful.
Let me see.
"Good for one toenail clipping.
" Bet you never saw that written in calligraphy before.
Shouldn't these be for something romantic, like sex or back rubs? Coupons for sex? What am I, a whore? Good.
You're back.
How'd it go? Great.
He's not gambling.
Well, if he's not gambling, then, what took so long? Freak sandstorm.
Plus, a family of ducks were crossing the road.
What? Mm-hmm.
Either one of those excuses alone would have been perfectly good.
Mm-hmm.
But together, I smell something fishy.
Oh, yeah.
When Jimmy uses a double excuse, it means he's lying about something.
I'm gonna find out what's going on.
Good.
You two are married now.
Lying and being deceitful to get information out of him is your job, not mine.
So, uh, you made that appointment for the doctor yet? Oh, yeah, I called, but, uh, he's all booked up for the next couple of weeks.
And he's on vacation in Bermuda.
Interesting, because I made you an appointment for Friday afternoon.
You had no right to make an appointment for me.
Obviously, I had to.
And why are you so afraid of the doctor anyway? 'Cause doctors always give you bad news.
Promise you'll go to the doctor on Friday.
Okay, fine I'll go.
Hey.
What'd you hear? Okay, so, it was a little hard to hear over all the noise, but I was able to make out a few words.
Anniversary, jewels, and something about a dangling pair.
Oh, my God.
I'm getting diamond earrings for my anniversary! You're getting earrings! They're diamond earrings! I bet you they're not just earrings, either.
I bet they're nanny earrings.
Nanny earrings? What nanny? America's nanny: Fran Dress-cher? Burt must have heard me saying how much I loved the diamond-style earrings she was selling on the TV shopping channel.
Experts do actually say that even though diamonds may lose their value, that diamond-style earrings stay exactly the same for all of eternity.
Man, Burt has really upped the ante on this one.
How am I supposed to give him a coupon to clip his toenails after he's just given me jewelry created by the world's top diamond scientists.
Well, what is something that Burt has always wanted? To be on Circus of the Stars.
Is that show still on? No.
Now, if you want to see stars, you have to watch 'em dance, dive or go to rehab with Dr.
Drew.
You know what? I think I have a better idea.
Frank, call the number! You really want to keep playing? Yes.
I'm used to hearing this more than saying it, but this is getting very uncomfortable for me.
You may have won all my money, my grandmother's lucky keychain and my burial plot, but my luck is about to change.
Call the ball! I-18.
Bingo.
No! Impossible.
One more game.
You haven't got anything left that I want.
I bet there's one thing.
I'm the new manager! Everyone's gonna get laid! I mean, sale on eggs.
Whew, I gotta say, Virginia a long, bumpy blindfolded drive around town? You really nailed this anniversary gift.
But I'm glad we're home.
No, Burt.
We are at a dude ranch! Happy anniversary! Now you get to finally be a cowboy.
W wow.
Thanks, honey.
Cowboys and cowgirls, welcome to the Bar None Ranch and simulated Western experience.
Now here's your wagon master, the fastest gun north of the Mississippi: Colt Palomino.
Whoa.
Howdy.
Welcome to the Bar None.
I'm Colt Palomino.
Let's get you city slickers into some authentic Western wear so you can have a real frontier experience, right after you sign these rootin' tootin' disclaimer forms.
There, there, and there.
Yee-haw! Oops, uh initial there.
Yee-haw! Let's do some dangerous crap.
Sabrina! Huh? Uh, can you cover me for about an hour? I gotta go do something with my dad.
Where are you going, anyway? Ice-skating.
And giving myself a haircut.
Really? Don't double excuse me.
What's going on? My dad doesn't want my mom to worry on their anniversary, but he found a lump on one of his family jewels and he's supposed to go to the doctor this afternoon.
He's not going.
Your mom took him to some dude ranch.
I gotta go pick him up! No! You can't just leave me here.
Frank's gone crazy with power.
Wheel me to my condiment aisle.
I need to see if my mustards will pass muster.
As you wish.
While Mom was hoping to have the time of their lives, Dad's ball lump had him hoping there was still time left in his life.
Perfect.
Okay one, two, three: pork and beans.
Pork and beans! Here's your souvenir photo.
Here.
Oh, an instant photo.
Oh, this is like getting in a time machine and going all the way back to 1983.
Well, thanks for everything.
We'll tell our friends.
Whoa, there, partner.
What's your hurry? You got a rattlesnake in your boot? We got a whole lot more cowboying to do.
Yeah.
It's our anniversary, so I got us the Big Buckaroo package.
That's right.
A full day of ranch-workin', cow-pokin', hat-wearin', spur-janglin' cowboy work, culminating with you birthing a realistic-lookin' calf from a real cow.
A full day, huh? All right, What's next? First thing you gotta learn before you go out on the range is how to handle Holy hell! Where'd you learn to shoot like that? Blasting weeds, mi amigo.
What's next? Okay, what's next? Whoo-hoo, I did it! What an anniversary.
Thank you, Virginia.
Thank you, Colt.
Yippie-ki-yay.
Uh, happy trails.
Hi-ho, Silver! Bonjour.
Hold your horses, partner.
The day ain't over.
Yeah, Burt.
What's your hurry? We still haven't done the best part the trail ride.
Yeah, you finished the chores so quickly, we got an extra hour to ride all the way to Ball Buster Canyon.
Ooh Name sounds nicer in Navajo.
I would love to do that with you, Colt, but we really gotta leave.
Hey, Burt, what is going on? I planned this whole day for our anniversary and it seems like you're not into it at all.
Where else do we need to be? Well, I left a popsicle out.
I forgot to set the VCR to record Columbo.
Stop it.
You've been in a hurry all day and we're here in the most romantic spot on Earth: the Bar None Dude Ranch.
Much obliged, little lady.
I hope you'll share that review on duderanchfinder.
com.
Virginia, I can't explain why.
You just have to trust me.
We gotta leave right now.
Okay.
Nobody's going anywhere.
Aw, balls! You stabbed our truck! Yeah because I've been working real hard on the finale.
I poured my heart into the campfire song and no one ever stays to listen to it.
Can you imagine anything worse? Yeah, I can.
I got a lump in my testicle.
Touché.
What?! Starsky or Hutch? I'm afraid it's Starsky.
Oh, my God, he's my favorite.
Yeah.
Are you gonna be all right? You should really see a doctor.
Well, I was trying to.
Then you stabbed our truck! I got a doctor's appointment in 20 minutes.
I didn't want to worry you or ruin our anniversary.
Well, let's just call Jimmy and have him pick us up.
Well, there's no cell reception up here.
That's why we call it the Bar None.
But don't you fret, ma'am.
We'll ride you into town and we'll make that doctor's appointment with time to spare.
I am not getting on a horse named Wrecking Ball.
There's always Nut Cracker, but she's a little feisty.
Don't worry, Burt.
We'll get you there.
Hang on there, honey! Now I know why they call it dead-man style.
'Cause you wish you were dead.
I had to ride that way for an entire day on an episode of Bonanza.
You're an actor? Yes, ma'am.
Started when I was nine, on an episode of Bonanza.
What else were you in? Did I mention I was on an episode of Bonanza? I was nine.
Been a bit of a dry spell since then.
But I just got new headshots.
Give it up, Barney.
I already won everything you own.
Not everything.
You don't have my soul.
Hmm.
I've always wanted to have two souls.
Okay, you're on.
Aha! I knew it! Oh, all right, fine.
I'm wearing a magnetized bracelet.
But I did this for you.
What?! I know you've got a gambling problem.
I figured if I kept you from winning, you wouldn't start again.
The only thing is, turns out I've got a cheating problem.
I love it.
Ow! Burt, you were smart not to ride this way.
I don't even have testicles and this is no picnic.
Neither is this.
Did you know horses poop while they walk? Oh We got company.
Aw, don't worry.
The Indians around here are friendly.
Mr.
Patel, thanks for the vindaloo.
It's hard to get those cumin levels just right, but you nailed it.
Swadisht.
Ah, told you I'd get you here.
Okay, we're just in time for the appointment.
Let's get inside.
You know what, I don't think I need to go in.
The horse fixed my lump.
And I just made the whole thing up to get attention.
No more double excuses and no chickening out.
Come on, let's get inside.
Colt Palomino saves the day.
You take your time.
I'm going to mosey across the street and get some water for the horses and a double soy half-caf macchiato with a touch of cinnamon for me.
Come on, boys.
This has to be the place.
It's kind of giving me the creeps.
Me, too.
Doesn't even seem like anybody's here.
Hello? Cowboys and cowgirls welcome to the Bar None Ranch What the hell is this place? Now here's your wagon master Jimmy They murdered your parents' tire.
north of the Mississippi: We gotta get out of here.
Colt Palomino! Come on! While we thought we about to die, my parents found out that Starsky's lump was just a fatty deposit.
To celebrate that Dad's Big Buckaroo package was fine, they let Colt put the finishing touches on his.
Some day When I'm a TV cowboy In the Hollywood Hills I'll sleep under the starlets And take lots of pills I'll wear alligator boots and designer jeans Lasso through the roof of my limousine I'll be the grandest cowboy on the silver screen Yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay I'm glad Starsky's okay.
I wonder how he got that fatty deposit.
I blame Hutch, he's always been jealous.
I wish you would've told me sooner.
I hope I didn't ruin our anniversary.
Of course not.
Just knowing you're okay, that's the greatest gift I could get.
I'll find a special lady And at night we'll ride The only gun shootin' blanks will be at my side well, she'll be my Dale and I'll be her Roy we'll ride together on the trail to eternal joy 'cause you have sex with a partner when you're a TV cowboy yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay Yee-haw! Thank you.
A cowhand told me you wanted this.
I thought Sabrina told you.
It's cowboy-speak.
Oh, right.
Howdy, pilgrim.
I like beans.
Yeah.
Oh, my god! Mm-hmm.
It's the Fran Dress-cher earrings.
The way the fire reflects off them, they almost look like real diamonds.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
Well, she'll be my Dale and I'll be her Roy we'll ride together on the trail to eternal joy 'cause you're never lonely when you're a TV cowboy yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay yippie-ki-yippie-ki- yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay.